For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Why do so many men feel pressure to be strong, silent or always in control — even when it’s hurting them inside?

In this courageous episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores the emotional “masks” many men wear to survive societal expectations — and how those masks can quietly feed disconnection, frustration, and unchecked anger.

With thoughtful insight from AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, this conversation offers a path toward healthier masculinity, deeper relationships, and the kind of strength that comes from taking the mask off.

Key Takeaways:

Emotional masks start as protection — but can become a prison: Roles like the provider, protector or alpha male may help men cope, but when worn constantly, they block real connection and emotional growth.

Anger is often the “acceptable” emotion — but it’s not the only one: Many men struggle to express fear, sadness, or vulnerability. Reclaiming these emotions isn’t weakness — it’s how real healing and closeness begin.

Letting go of old roles opens the door to authenticity: When you stop performing and start showing up as yourself, you create space for real conversations, stronger relationships, and healthier responses to conflict.

You don’t have to do it alone: Whether through friendship, therapy or support programs, finding people you can open up to is one of the most transformative steps a man can take.

Healthy masculinity means emotional awareness, not emotional avoidance: True strength isn’t about hiding pain — it’s about having the courage to face it, express it, and grow from it.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

You show up.

You hold it together.

You do what's expected.

Stay strong, stay steady, stay silent.

But under the surface, you feel the pressure building.

The frustration, the anger, the loneliness you don't talk about, not even with the people closest to you.

If that sounds familiar, you may just be wearing a mask and you didn't even know you put on.

In today's episode, we're exploring the hidden emotional armor that so many men carry, including the roles and expectations of many men, and how that common male mask, which is meant to protect us, may be the very thing keeping us stuck.

And if you are here listening, know that already says something important.

You're brave enough to question the role you've been playing, and you're ready for something more honest, more connected, more you.

Because this conversation isn't about male weakness.

It's about reclaiming male strength, the kind that comes from taking our masks off and finally being seen.

Hello, and welcome to episode 37 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alastair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.

Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss the masks that men wear and how to take that common male mask off once and for all.

Also, make sure you stick around to the end of the episode and where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to control your anger, master your emotions, and create a calmer, happier, and more loving relationship once and for all.

With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.

Welcome to the Deep Dive.

Today we're looking into something pretty profound, a question that's been asked for, well, forever, really.

What does it actually mean to be a man?

It's a huge question, isn't it?

So much wrapped up in it.

Exactly.

And we're going to approach it from maybe a slightly different angle.

Today we're talking about the idea of masks.

Not literal masks, obviously.

No, more like Personas, ways of being that men often adopt, you know, to deal with what society expects or maybe their own insecurities, the roles they play.

Yeah, like being a partner, a dad, a provider, all.

All that stuff.

But here's the thing that really gets interesting and maybe a bit unsettling.

What if those masks, you know, the ones you put on to cope, what if they stop being helpful and become more like.

Like a prison where you can't take it off anymore.

Yeah.

Or worse, you forget you're even wearing it.

You forget who the person underneath actually is.

That's a really powerful image.

So that's our mission today.

We want to unpack these different masks, try to understand why they get put on in the first place and.

And crucially, talk about how maybe, just maybe, we can start letting them go.

And find a healthier way forward.

Exactly.

A way of being a man that doesn't rely on, you know, anger or controlling behavior or any kind of violence.

It's often tied into managing emotions better, Right?

Absolutely.

Unmasking can be key to that.

Okay, so let's start there.

When we say mask in this context, what are we actually pinpointing?

It's more than just being in a bad mood, right?

Oh, definitely.

It's much deeper than a mood.

Think of it as a sort of default setting.

You adopt a whole way of being.

Like a Persona.

Yeah, Persona facade you construct.

It's a way to hide what's really going on inside your real feelings, maybe your doubts, your vulnerabilities.

You hide it behind what you think you're supposed to be.

What society expects.

Or what you expect of yourself.

Exactly.

It's like a coping mechanism that, you know, can become automatic over time.

Almost like armor that you can't take off.

We see some pretty common ones, especially in, say, Western cultures.

What are some examples that pop up often?

Well, the big one, the classic, is the strong, silent type, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

Stoic.

Never shows emotion.

Right.

He handles everything, never complains.

Definitely doesn't show weakness.

That's a huge one.

But there are others, too, right?

The provider.

The guy whose entire identity gets wrapped up in earning money, sometimes at the expense of actually being emotionally present.

Or the protector feels this constant weight to keep everyone safe, but maybe ignores his own fears or needs.

Then there's the disciplinarian, always the authority, enforcing rules.

Maybe struggles with empathy a bit.

And you mentioned one before, the alpha male.

Oh, yes, the alpha male.

That's definitely a pervasive one.

The need to dominate, to be in charge.

It's quite a list.

Yeah.

And I bet many people listening can already picture these.

Maybe even in themselves or men they know for sure.

They're pretty recognizable archetypes.

What's interesting, though, is that as you List them.

They don't sound all bad, at least not on the surface.

Can these masks actually be useful?

Sometimes.

That's a really important point.

Yes, absolutely.

They're not inherently negative.

Think about a soldier in combat being calm, strong, decisive.

That mask is vital.

Or maybe like competitive sports.

Exactly.

Or even some jobs.

Right.

Where being emotionally reserved might be seen as professional or focused.

So context matters.

Okay, but.

And this is the crucial.

But the problem arises when these become the only way a man knows how to operate.

When the mask is worn all the time, it becomes rigid, you lose flexibility, you can't connect authentically when you need to.

And that's when it turns into that prison we talked about.

It really hinders emotional expression, especially dealing with things like anger in a healthy way.

Okay, so that's where it gets harmful.

Can you give a clearer example?

How does relying too much on one of these, say the alpha male one, actually cause problems?

The alpha male mask is a perfect example because it can become quite toxic.

Men who heavily rely on this often become controlling, aggressive, needing to dominate.

And not just where it might be expected.

Like in business maybe.

No, that's the problem.

It spills over into relationships with their partners, their kids, even friends.

Situations where that kind of behavior is totally inappropriate and frankly, damaging.

Yeah, I can see how that would.

Create tension, huge tension.

And these guys, they often get trapped.

They find it incredibly hard to express any real emotion other than maybe anger or frustration.

Because in that specific worldview, anger can be misinterpreted as strength, as control.

So admitting you're wrong, apologizing genuinely showing vulnerability, that feels impossible, weak.

So they feel they have to be strong constantly.

Constantly.

No cracks allowed.

It's exhausting for them and it's incredibly difficult for the people around them.

It's a major barrier to resolving conflict constructively.

That makes a lot of sense.

It sounds really isolating.

So for someone listening now, maybe thinking, oh, that sounds a bit like me.

What's the way out?

How do you even start to let go of something so ingrained?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

And it's central to getting a handle on difficult emotions like anger.

The very first step, the most critical one, is just acknowledgement, Seeing it for what it is.

Yes.

Recognizing that this way of operating this mask, it isn't actually working for you anymore.

Especially if your go to, for any art argument, is to dominate or control.

That's the starting point.

Okay, so you see it.

Then what then?

It's about exploring other ways, actively looking for more constructive Ways to handle things to be.

And, you know, it might sound a bit surprising, but often men can learn a lot from women in this regard.

How so?

Generally speaking, women are often socialized differently around emotions.

They may model ways of being more open, more vulnerable, better at truly listening without just waiting to jump in.

And expressing things differently.

Yes, Expressing needs and feelings more constructively.

Fostering connection instead of, you know, confrontation.

These are all vital skills for managing emotions, including anger, much more effectively.

That brings up vulnerability.

Again, that seems like the direct opposite of the strong silent mask.

How vital is embracing that?

Especially if you spent your life trying not to be vulnerable.

It's not just vital, it's absolutely fundamental.

For real emotional health, for managing anger better, you have to allow for vulnerability.

It's okay not to be the stereotypical man's man 24 7.

Especially with other guys.

Yes, especially.

Then.

So many men are quietly dealing with tough stuff.

Depression, anxiety, feeling like they're not good enough.

It's healthy to talk about that stuff with friends, family, a therapist, whoever you trust.

I've heard so many stories from men going through hell.

Job loss, divorce, losing someone they love.

And you know what helped most?

What?

Having other guys they could just talk to.

Honestly show the fear, the sadness, the anger.

Without being judged or told to man up.

Just being heard.

Exactly.

But that requires letting go of that alpha mask or whatever mask says I must be strong alone.

It means having the courage to just say, I'm struggling or I need some help.

That vulnerability, that's real strength, and it's a huge step towards emotional control.

Okay, so building on that, seeking help, being vulnerable, how does that connect directly to managing anger?

Because like we said, anger seems to be the one emotion some of these masks do allow.

But often destructively, it connects powerfully.

Look, many guys know their anger is a problem.

They feel it causing damage.

But that same pride, that mask of strength, stops them from asking for help.

It feels like admitting weakness.

Right.

But here's the thing.

When they finally do reach out, whether it's to a mate, a counselor, a support group, the relief is incredible.

First, just realizing you're not alone.

Other guys deal with this too.

That must be huge.

It is.

And second, discovering that there are actual practical tools and techniques out there.

Things like cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, simple, proven methods that help you understand your anger triggers and respond differently.

Quickly too.

So it's not about just bottling it up?

No, not at all.

It's about understanding it and managing it constructively, not letting it control you.

It's about having Choices other than just.

Exploding or shutting down, that sounds so much healthier.

So this new way of being a man that emerges when you shed the masks, what does that actually look like?

What are we aiming for?

It's a masculinity where things like openness, real vulnerability, emotional intelligence, they aren't seen as weaknesses, they're valued.

They're understood as genuine strength.

So being authentic is the goal.

Exactly.

Creating a space both inside yourself and in your interactions where you can be your actual self without fear, without shame, without feeling like you have to perform a role.

Being able to talk about feelings, listen better.

Yes.

Articulating a whole range of emotions, not just anger.

Having empathy, responding thoughtfully instead of just reacting.

You mentioned the impact on others.

Yeah.

And this is maybe the most important part.

When you embody this healthier way of being, you're modeling it for your kids, for younger men, for everyone.

You're showing them there's a better way than the old rigid, often angry model.

A way that embraces strength through connection and self awareness.

Precisely.

Strength through empathy, through knowing yourself, through leading with compassion.

A way that fundamentally reject anger and violence as solutions.

Wow.

Okay.

So today we've really dug into these masks that men wear.

We've talked about what they are, how they entrap us, but also crucially, the freedom that comes from acknowledging them and finding the courage to be more vulnerable.

It's a journey for sure.

And maybe a final thought to leave people with.

What if letting go of these masks isn't just about managing anger better or having better relationships, as important as those.

Are, what if it's more?

What if it's about unlocking a more real, a more authentic you, a version of yourself that's not just coping, but actually thriving.

And in doing that, you become an example, a leader showing future generations what true emotional intelligence and strength look like.

That's a powerful idea to sit with.

And if you listening, feel ready to explore this further, especially around managing anger.

We really recommend checking out Alistair Diz.

Yeah, he's got decades of experience in this field.

Over 30 years helped thousands and thousands of people get a handle on their anger and emotions.

His website is angersecrets.com lots of great resources there.

Definitely there's free training, articles, insights, and you can actually book a free anger assessment.

Call directly with Alistair.

It's a chance to talk about your specific situation and figure out some practical steps.

Really valuable opportunity if you're serious about making a change.

Absolutely.

Angersecrets.com, check it out.

Thanks so much for Tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast, I hope you found this deep dive into the emotional masks men wear and how they impact anger, connection and identity both helpful and thought provoking.

Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to reflect on a few key takeaways from Jake and Sarah's conversation.

Because these are powerful ideas that can genuinely change lives when you start putting them into practice.

Firstly, many men wear emotional masks like the strong silent type or the alpha male.

Not to deceive, but to cope.

These roles can feel necessary at first, but over time they can become walls that block connection, make anger harder to manage and leave you feeling isolated.

Recognizing that you are wearing a mask is often the first and most courageous step toward change.

Second, anger is often the one emotion men feel allowed to express, but when it's the only outlet, it becomes destructive.

Real strength comes from expanding your emotional range, learning to talk about fear, sadness, uncertainty.

That vulnerability isn't weakness, it's where deeper relationships begin.

Third, you don't have to do this alone.

When you start opening up, whether that's with a trusted friend, a partner or a professional, you begin to realize just how many other men are facing the same battles.

And that moment of connection, it's often what leads to healing and finally.

Letting go of these old male roles doesn't mean losing who you are.

It means finally finding who you are underneath the pressure, the expectations and the silence.

Now remember, real change doesn't happen just by listening.

It happens when you take even one insight, one tool, and start using it in your everyday life.

So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it and see what shifts.

Okay?

I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.

This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.

Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type of please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.