Shownotes
Introduction
- Topic Introduction [00:53]
Main Topics
- The Waiting and the Slowing Down [03:10]
- The Emotional Landscape Can Shift Quickly [04:38]
- Communication Changes in Subtle but Meaningful Ways [06:18]
- The Physical Changes Can Be Difficult to Witness [07:24]
- You May Question Yourself More Than You Expect [08:29]
- There Are Moments of Grace That No One Talks About [09:25]
- There Is No Perfect Goodbye [10:16]
- After the Final Moment [11:09]
- Closing [11:58]
Additional Resources
Transcripts
00:00
until his passing in January:00:38
My mission is to walk beside you as you navigate grief, honor your healing, and rediscover meaning and purpose in the life that continues. You are not alone. This is the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast.
00:53
There are moments in life that change us forever, and the final days of a loved one’s life are among the most profound. They are quiet and heavy, sacred and uncertain, filled with love and often layered with fear. It is a time that many of us are not prepared for, even if we think we are. No matter how much information we receive from doctors or hospice teams, there are parts of this experience that simply cannot be fully explained until we are in it.
01:29
When I walked through the final days with my husband, Dave, I discovered that there were things no one had told me. Not because people were withholding information, but because some experiences are deeply personal and difficult to put into words. There were emotional shifts, physical changes, and moments that felt almost beyond words. And yet, within those moments, there was also a quiet kind of grace that I did not expect.
02:00
Dave was on life support for a week after suffering prolonged hypoglycemia. During that time, the hospital ran test after test to determine whether he would recover. I sat beside him each day, watching, waiting, hoping for something to shift. Then came the moment when the doctors told me that he had suffered permanent brain damage and would not recover.
02:27
There is something about hearing those words that changes everything in an instant. It feels like time pauses, even though everything around you continues moving. You are asked to understand something that feels impossible to fully take in. And at the same time, you are being asked to begin making decisions within that reality.
02:52
In today’s episode, I want to gently share What No One Tells You About the Final Days. My hope is that if you are walking this path, or if you have walked it, you will feel less alone and more supported in what you are experiencing.
03:10
One of the first things that happens in the final days is a slowing down, but what is often not talked about is the waiting that comes with it. It is not just waiting for an outcome. It is waiting inside uncertainty, where time feels stretched and unclear. You may find yourself holding both hope and knowing at the same time.
03:35
During that week in the hospital, I lived inside that kind of waiting. Each day, I sat with Dave, listening to the rhythm of the machines, watching for any sign of change. There were moments when I allowed myself to believe that something might shift, and other moments when a quiet understanding began to settle in.
03:57
This slowing down is not something that needs to be fixed. It is the body’s natural way of preparing for what is to come. Even though it can feel uncomfortable to witness, there is an intelligence within the body that is guiding the process.
04:15
For those of us sitting beside them, this can feel like one of the hardest parts. We are used to doing, helping, and responding, and suddenly there is less to do. What we are left with is presence, and sometimes that can feel unfamiliar. But presence becomes one of the most meaningful ways we can offer love.
04:38
Another truth that is not often talked about is how quickly emotions can change during this time. You may feel steady one moment and overwhelmed the next. You may experience deep sadness, followed by moments of calm or even peace that you did not expect.
04:57
During those days with Dave, I found myself moving through waves of emotion that did not follow any predictable pattern. There were moments of deep grief as I began to understand what was happening. There were also moments of stillness where everything felt quiet, almost suspended.
05:16
Sharing news about Dave’s condition with our family and friends was incredibly difficult. For some, it was hard to take in, especially since they had just seen him the week before when he was doing well. Some wanted to come and visit him, while others found it too painful to see him on life support. I understood that everyone was processing it in their own way, and each person made the choice that felt right for them.
05:42
There is a form of grief that begins before the final moment. It is called anticipatory grief, but what it feels like is grieving someone while they are still physically here. That experience can feel confusing and even disorienting for everyone involved.
06:02
If you are feeling this, please know that it is completely natural. Grief does not wait for a specific moment. It begins when your heart recognizes that something is changing. There is no need to judge how you are feeling or try to manage it in a certain way.
06:18
As the final days unfold, communication often changes. Words may become fewer, softer, or stop altogether. This can feel like a loss, especially if conversation has been a central part of your relationship.
06:33
I remember sitting with Dave, speaking softly to him, even though I did not know what he could hear or understand. I chose to believe that on some level, he could still feel my presence. That love does not depend on full awareness to be received.
06:50
Connection does not disappear when words fade. It shifts into something more subtle. A touch, a quiet presence, or simply being in the same space can carry a depth of meaning that words cannot always express.
07:05
You may also notice moments that feel difficult to explain. Some people describe their loved ones speaking about people who have already passed or expressing things that seem symbolic. These experiences can feel surprising, but they are often part of the transition process.
07:24
There are also physical changes that can be challenging if you are not prepared for them. Breathing may change, becoming irregular or uneven. The body may become cooler, and there may be periods of restlessness or stillness that feel unfamiliar.
07:40
When Dave was on life support, the machines were doing much of the work, but even then, there were visible changes that reminded me that his body was going through something significant. It is one thing to understand these changes intellectually, and another to witness them with someone you love.
07:59
These changes are a natural part of the body’s process, even though they can feel unsettling. It is common to want to intervene or make everything feel normal again. But in many cases, the body is simply moving through its final stages in its own way.
08:16
Having support from medical professionals can be helpful, but it is also important to remember that your presence matters just as much. Sitting beside them, offering comfort in whatever way you can, is enough.
08:29
During the final days, it is very common to question yourself. You may wonder if you are making the right decisions or if there is something more you should be doing. Even when you are acting from a place of love, doubt can still arise.
08:45
I remember asking myself many of these questions. Am I doing enough. Is there something more I should be saying. Does he know I am here. These questions did not always have answers, but they were part of the experience.
08:58
There can be decisions that feel heavy, especially when they relate to care and what comes next. You may second guess yourself, even when you are following guidance and doing your best.
09:09
What I came to understand is that love was guiding me, even when I felt uncertain. Every decision I made came from a place of wanting what was best for Dave. That does not remove the difficulty, but it offers a sense of grounding.
09:25
Amid everything that feels heavy and uncertain, there can also be moments of grace that no one really prepares you for. These moments are often quiet, but they carry a deep sense of peace.
09:38
I experienced moments where the room felt still in a way that was different from anything I had felt before. It was not the absence of emotion, but a sense that everything was gently held.
09:51
These moments do not take away the pain, but they offer something alongside it. They remind us that even in the hardest experiences, there can be something sacred unfolding.
10:03
You may not recognize these moments right away, but they often become clearer over time. They are part of what makes this experience not only difficult, but also deeply meaningful.
10:16
One of the things people often worry about is saying the perfect goodbye. They want to make sure that everything is said, that nothing is left unfinished. While that desire comes from love, it can also create pressure.
10:31
When it came time for me to say goodbye to Dave, there were no perfectly chosen words. There was no moment where everything felt complete or resolved. What was there was a lifetime of love, and in that moment, that was enough.
10:46
Love is not contained in a single conversation. It is built over years of shared experiences, connection, and presence. Even if the final words are simple, the love remains. Sometimes the most meaningful goodbyes are quiet. A hand held, a gentle presence, or simply being there.
11:09
When the final moment arrives, it can feel both expected and surprising at the same time. When Dave took his final breath, there was a stillness in the room that is difficult to describe.
11:22
In the moments that followed, I felt a mixture of emotions. There was deep sadness, but there was also a sense of release. A knowing that he was no longer suffering.
11:33
No one tells you that it is possible to feel more than one thing at the same time. That grief and peace can exist together. That love continues, even as life changes form.
11:46
In the days that followed, I began to understand that those final days would stay with me. Not just as something painful, but as something that shaped how I understand love, presence, and connection.
11:58
If you are walking through the final days with someone you love, or if you have already experienced this, I want you to know that you are not alone.
12:06
There are parts of this journey that are difficult to explain, but there is also a quiet thread of love that runs through all of it. Even in uncertainty, even in heartbreak, love remains present.
12:20
Take a gentle breath and place your hand over your heart. Allow yourself to feel whatever is present, without needing to change it.
12:32
The mission of Healing Our Grieving Hearts is to support women who are navigating life after the loss of a spouse or soulmate, and those who are tenderly companioning their husbands through illness. Through spiritual care, sound and vibration therapies, and reflective practices, I help women find meaning, healing, and renewed purpose.
12:52
For free resources, including tips for coping with grief and rediscovering joy, visit purpose.healingourgrievinghearts.com. You can also connect with me on Facebook at facebook.com/Kay.Fontana.
13:09
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast. Remember, you are not alone in your grief, and your experiences and emotions are valid. Join me next Saturday at 10 a.m. Arizona time as we continue exploring the human experience and When Grief Changes Shape: Noticing Who You Are Becoming.
13:30
Until next time, may you trust yourself in these sacred moments, may you offer yourself the same compassion you give to others, and may you feel the presence of love surrounding you, even here.
