Shownotes
Introduction
- Topic Introduction [00:53]
Main Topics
- When Survival Has Been Your Full-Time Job [02:51]
- Rediscovering the Woman Beneath the Grief [04:53]
- Giving Yourself Permission to Want More [07:07]
- Creating a Life That Reflects Who You Are Becoming [09:08]
- Following the Compass Toward What Comes Next [11:23]
- Closing [13:21]
Additional Resources
Transcripts
00:00
until his passing in January:00:38
My mission is to walk beside you as you navigate grief, honor your healing, and rediscover meaning and purpose in the life that continues. You are not alone. This is the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast.
00:53
Welcome and thank you for joining me today! When you lose your spouse or soulmate, there is often a period when simply getting through the day feels like enough. You wake up, put your feet on the floor, take care of what needs to be done, and somehow make it to the end of another day. In those early weeks and months, survival is not a small thing. It takes courage, energy, and strength that you may not even realize you have.
01:24
But eventually, something may begin to shift. It may happen quietly, perhaps so quietly that you barely notice it at first. You might find yourself laughing at something and realizing that the laughter came naturally, or you might become interested in something you used to enjoy. You may even catch yourself wondering what the future could look like, and then immediately feel guilty for wondering.
01:49
That is one of the strange things about grief. We can become so accustomed to surviving that the idea of living again feels unfamiliar, and sometimes even disloyal to the person we love. Yet rediscovering life after loss does not mean leaving your loved one behind. It means allowing the love you shared to become part of the foundation upon which you continue to build your life.
02:15
Today, I want to talk about that transition from surviving to rediscovering. We are going to explore what it means to begin reconnecting with yourself, to become curious about what brings meaning to your life now, and to give yourself permission to imagine possibilities again. This is not about creating a completely new person or erasing who you were before your loss. It is about discovering who you are becoming because you have loved deeply, lost deeply, and continued forward.
02:51
After the death of your spouse or soulmate, survival can become a full-time job. There are practical responsibilities to manage, decisions that may suddenly be yours alone, and routines that no longer feel familiar because the person who was woven into them is missing. Even the smallest tasks can require more emotional energy than anyone around you may realize.
03:17
During this time, your world may become very small. Sometimes the goal is simply to make it through breakfast, another one phone call, pay one bill, walk the dog, or remember to eat dinner. There is nothing wrong with this because grief often asks us to live in much smaller increments of time while our hearts and minds adjust to an enormous change.
03:43
The challenge comes when survival becomes so familiar that we don’t recognize when we are ready for something more. You may have developed ways of protecting yourself from disappointment, change, or additional pain, and those protections may have been necessary for a while. Eventually, however, you may begin to feel an inner stirring that tells you there is still something within you that wants to participate in life.
04:12
That stirring does not mean your grief is finished. Grief does not suddenly disappear because you begin wanting more from your life. You can miss your loved one terribly and still feel curious about the future, just as you can experience sadness and joy within the very same day.
04:30
This is where I believe we can begin to shift our understanding of healing. Healing doesn’t mean returning to the person you were before your loss because that person lived in a different reality. Healing can mean becoming more fully present to the person you are now and gently discovering what this version of you needs, values, enjoys, and hopes for.
04:53
One of the questions I hear from women after the loss of a spouse is, “Who am I now?” When you have shared your life with someone for years or decades, your identities naturally become intertwined. There was a “we” that influenced your routines, friendships, holidays, decisions, dreams, and even the way you imagined the future.
05:16
When that “we” changes, the “I” can feel difficult to locate. You are still you, but you are also someone who has been profoundly changed by love and loss. Rediscovery begins when you become willing to meet this evolving version of yourself without demanding that she be exactly who she was before.
05:38
You might begin by paying attention to what draws your interest now. Perhaps there is something you once loved but set aside years ago, or maybe there is something entirely new that has begun calling to you. It could be creative expression, travel, volunteering, spiritual practice, learning, time in nature, music, friendship, or simply creating a home environment that reflects who you are today.
06:07
Rediscovery does not have to begin with a dramatic reinvention of your life. In fact, I believe some of the most meaningful changes begin with very small questions. What brings me peace? What gives me energy? What am I curious about? What makes me feel connected to myself?
06:27
You may discover that some of your answers are different than they were five, ten, or twenty years ago. That is not a betrayal of your former life or the person you shared it with. Growth is part of being alive, and grief has a way of bringing us face-to-face with what matters most.
06:45
There can also be freedom in recognizing that you do not need to have all of the answers right now. Rediscovery is not a test you have to pass, and there is no deadline for figuring out the rest of your life. You are allowed to experiment, change your mind, try something new, decide it is not for you, and choose another direction.
07:07
Sometimes the greatest obstacle to creating a life after loss is not knowing what we want. It is giving ourselves permission to want anything at all. When someone we love no longer experiences another day, it can feel complicated to acknowledge our own desire for happiness, adventure, connection, or purpose.
07:29
Guilt can appear in surprising ways. You may feel guilty the first time you truly enjoy yourself, the first time you take a trip without your loved one, or the first time you realize you have gone several hours without thinking about your grief. You may wonder whether enjoying your life somehow means you are forgetting them.
07:49
But love is not measured by how much we suffer after someone dies. Your continued sadness is not proof that you loved deeply, just as your moments of happiness are not proof that you have forgotten. The love you shared exists independently of whether today happens to be a difficult day or a beautiful one.
08:09
Creating a life after loss does not require you to choose between remembering the past and participating in the present. Both can exist together. You can carry your loved one in your heart while also allowing yourself to discover experiences they will never physically share with you.
08:29
I think this is one of the places where grief asks us to practice self-compassion. There may be days when you feel ready to move forward and days when you want nothing more than the familiarity of the life you once knew. Neither day represents failure because both are part of learning how to live with loss.
08:50
You’re not required to rush into a new chapter simply because someone else believes enough time has passed. At the same time, you don't have to hold yourself back because you believe moving forward means moving away from your loved one. You are allowed to move at the pace that feels right for you.
09:08
When we hear the phrase “creating a life after loss,” it can sound enormous. It might raise questions about purpose, relationships, career, where you live, or what you are supposed to do in the years ahead. Those questions matter, but creating a meaningful life often begins much closer to home.
09:27
It can begin with creating a morning routine that feels nurturing rather than empty. It might mean returning to a hobby, reaching out to a friend, attending a class, joining a group, spending time outdoors, or exploring a spiritual practice that helps you feel grounded. These small choices begin to send you a message that your life is still worthy of your attention and care.
09:51
You might also begin noticing what no longer fits. Loss changes our perspective, and sometimes things we tolerated before no longer feel aligned with who we are becoming. Certain relationships, obligations, expectations, or habits may need to be reconsidered as you become clearer about how you want to use your time and energy.
10:15
This is where purpose can begin to emerge, but purpose does not always mean finding one great mission. Sometimes purpose is caring for yourself well, showing up for someone who needs you, sharing your wisdom, creating something beautiful, loving your family, caring for an animal, volunteering, or simply bringing kindness into the spaces you enter. Purpose can be quiet and still be deeply meaningful.
10:45
You might ask yourself, “What would make my life feel meaningful today?” Notice that the question is not asking you to plan the next twenty years. It simply invites you to listen to what your heart needs in this season.
11:00
Over time, those small choices begin to create a direction. One choice leads to another, curiosity becomes engagement, and engagement may eventually become a renewed sense of purpose. You may look back one day and realize that somewhere along the way, you stopped simply surviving and began participating in your life again.
11:23
Over the past few weeks, I have been sharing more about Navigating New Horizons: The Compass Rose Framework, the eight-week guided journey I created especially for widows seeking their way after the loss of a spouse or soulmate. The Compass Rose grew from the understanding that after profound loss, we are not trying to find our way back to the life we had. We are learning how to navigate the life we have now.
11:51
This week's focus feels especially connected to the SOUTH point of the Compass Rose, which explores Reconnecting with Identity and Purpose. This part of the journey invites you to look beyond the roles you have carried and gently ask who you are becoming now. It is an opportunity to explore your values, interests, strengths, dreams, and the possibilities that may still await you.
12:17
If today's conversation about moving from survival into rediscovery resonates with you, this is exactly the kind of exploration we move through together in the Compass Rose Framework.
12:30
Through guided reflection, exercises, and supportive practices, you can begin listening to your own inner compass rather than feeling pressured to know exactly where you are going. And here is something I want you to remember. A compass does not give you the entire map of your journey. It simply helps you find your direction, and sometimes that is all we need to take the next step.
12:55
Perhaps your next step is reconnecting with something you once loved. Perhaps it is trying something you have always wanted to experience, reaching out to someone, creating a new ritual, or allowing yourself to dream again. Your next step does not need to make sense to anyone else because this is your life, your healing, and your journey of rediscovery.
13:21
As you move through the coming week, I invite you to notice what makes you feel even a little more alive. Pay attention to moments of curiosity, peace, connection, creativity, or joy without immediately questioning whether you should be feeling them. These moments may be your inner compass quietly pointing toward what wants to emerge next.
13:46
You have survived something that changed the landscape of your life. Now, when you are ready, you can begin exploring that landscape rather than simply enduring it. There may be places you never expected to visit, parts of yourself you have yet to discover, and experiences you can’t imagine from where you are standing today.
14:08
The person you love will always be part of your story, but their death does not have to be the final chapter of yours. You are still here, still growing, still loving, and still capable of creating meaning. You don’t have to know exactly where you are going to trust that another chapter is possible.
14:28
Today’s affirmation is:
I honor the life and love that shaped me, while giving myself permission to discover who I am becoming. I trust my inner compass to guide me toward a life filled with meaning, connection, purpose, and moments of joy.
14:49
The mission of Healing Our Grieving Hearts is to support women who are navigating life after the loss of a spouse or soulmate, and those who are tenderly companioning their husbands through illness. Through spiritual care, sound and vibration therapies, and reflective practices, I help women find meaning, healing, and renewed purpose.
15:10
For free resources, including tips for coping with grief and rediscovering joy, visit purpose.healingourgrievinghearts.com. You can also connect with me on Facebook at facebook.com/Kay.Fontana.
15:27
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast. Remember, you are not alone in your grief, and your experiences and emotions are valid. Join me next Saturday at 10 a.m. Arizona time, as we continue exploring the human experience and “Your Next Chapter: Giving Yourself Permission to Live Again.”
15:49
Until next time, may you honor how far you have come, listen gently to the stirrings of your heart, and trust that each small step of rediscovery is guiding you toward a life that is still beautifully yours.
16:04
Take gentle care of yourself, my friend.
