Dear Listener, if you’ve ever felt blindsided by your strong reactions to dating or confused by how the singles in the dating pool behave, this episode is for you!

We delve into the hidden impact of trauma on relationships. And if you’re thinking, "Trauma? Not me!" you might be surprised to learn that some experts estimate that 70% of adults experience a significant trauma in their lifetime.

During this episode, we break down some common misconceptions about trauma and give specific examples of how unresolved trauma impacts dating and relationships.

Opening your heart again after a trauma can be scary and overwhelming; we offer concrete guidance about reentering the dating world, one brave baby step at a time.

Last, we offer practical advice about how to date well while healing from trauma, including the common pitfalls to avoid.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

04:42 - Trauma may not be what you think it is

09:52 - How does trauma affect dating?

25:26 - How do I start dating after trauma?

35:00 - Common mistakes when dating after trauma

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Quiz: Is Unresolved Trauma Stopping You From Finding Love?

Common Dating Struggles that Trauma Survivors Experience

Ep. 1 - You aren’t crazy, dating is hard (especially for anxious folx)

Exposure Therapy: An Evidence-Based Treatment For Social Anxiety And Dating Anxiety

Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Remember that with unresolved trauma, that's really, uh, something

that changes the lens through which we see the world, right.

So it makes us less open and available for intimacy.

Instead of that cutie who's sitting across from you that you're having a hard time

flirting with, instead of recognizing they're actually still real interested in

you, that cold parent in your unconscious mind might be getting projected onto

them and you just keep seeing all their signals as they don't like me.

From the Relationship Center, I'm psychotherapist, couples counselor and

dating coach, Jessica Engle, and this is I Love You, Too, a show about how to create

and sustain meaningful relationships.

I'm dating and relationship coach Josh Van Vliet.

On today's episode, we're gonna talk about dating while healing from trauma.

We're so happy you're here, and please remember that this show is not a

substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional.

Welcome everybody.

We are so glad that you're joining us here today.

On this episode we're gonna be talking all about dating while healing from trauma.

I'm so excited to be doing this episode with you, Jessica, in particular because

you are such an expert in this area.

You've thought so deeply about how to find love and build healthy relationships

after having experienced trauma.

So this is I think this is gonna be a real a real contribution to folks

who have, who have gone through that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's very sweet.

Before we get started, if you love our show, well, we love you too, and we

wanna be in touch between episodes.

To get more free dating relationship and social anxiety advice, please go to

relationshipcenter.com/newsletter Okay.

On with the show.

Perfect.

As we are headed into this episode, dear listener, we do want to let you know

we will be naming a number of different kinds of trauma during this episode.

So please take good care while listening, and we won't be going into in-depth

descriptions of any kinds of trauma.

But if that brings up anything for you, please take good care while listening.

And we aim for this episode to be, uh, hopefully helpful and even maybe a

little bit uplifting, giving you some possible path forward for the kind

of love and connection that you're looking for in your life, because

that's what this is really all about.

And if you're listening to this right now and thinking about

wanting to connect, wanting to build relationships, that's incredible.

Mm-hmm.

I think we should just start with that.

Yes.

Like it speaks to what a courageous human you are, that you have

gone through something painful in your life and you still wanna

connect with other humans mm-hmm.

And build deep, meaningful, satisfying relationships.

That is courageous.

Mm-hmm.

It points to your huge heart.

So just know that we, we honor you and we're glad that you're with us today.

Yes.

Welcome.

Welcome.

Why don't we just start with why are we talking about this?

Yeah.

So we are very passionate about this.

This is something that we work on a lot with our clients.

And you know, studies show that more than 70% of adults have experienced at

least one major trauma in their lifetime.

I would argue since 2020, that's a hundred percent of us.

Right.

And in, in our experience, unresolved trauma is one of the most common and least

recognized reasons dating is so difficult.

As I'm also a trauma survivor, you know, over the 12 years I've been

working with clients like I know both personally and professionally, the

what can feel like a herculean effort it takes to find healthy love after

experiencing really difficult things.

And I've also seen that it is entirely possible.

So that's the, the hopeful message of this is if you're really struggling and trauma

may be at play, there is a way through.

And I really have seen that when when you take the time and put in the,

the hard work to heal, uh, from past difficult experiences in dating, it

has an effect that goes throughout your life, beyond your love life.

So, you know, healing from trauma is really healing the heart and that is gonna

have a positive impact really everywhere.

Yeah.

That's such a great reminder.

and, and even when I think it can seem like sometimes we're making very

slow or small progress in an area, and to hold that picture, both that

the progress is real and important and that it's rippling out into our lives

in ways that we may not even see or recognize yet is, is really important.

Yes.

So I was thinking let's maybe define trauma a little bit more.

Right.

Um, because I think the trauma can actually be a, uh, misleading

word for some people just because of the sort of stereotypes we

have about what that word means.

Yep.

And so for most people, the word trauma, like when you think Josh about

trauma and think particularly about popular media, what comes to mind?

Yeah.

What I sometimes talk about is like the big T trauma, right?

Yes.

The, the intimate partner violence, the, you know, natural disasters

you know, crime in the streets, like things that are, are, are violent,

are discreet moments in time easy to kind of see in a certain sense.

Yes.

Though not though sometimes very under recognized.

Right.

In terms of the how, how much it impacts people or how many

people are affected by it.

Yes.

Yeah.

The other big one that I think of that I think has been shown the

most in popular media is just war.

Right?

Right.

So that's sort of the original PTSD used to be called Shell Shock, which was the

term they used to describe soldiers coming back from war who were changed forever.

Mm-hmm.

So that was the original form of trauma that our culture really recognized.

So yes, I think you're right on, there are these, big T traumas that our

society typically does acknowledge our damaging, and there are a lot

of other traumas that get missed.

Mm-hmm.

Less obvious forms.

So one example is a relational trauma, like growing up with a

parent who's emotionally unavailable or the trauma of oppression.

So growing up in a racist society as a person of color, for example.

Yeah.

And many people don't realize they are survivors of of trauma

due to that narrow conception of trauma that our, our culture has.

The other piece to remember about trauma is that it is subjective, right?

So in it is inherently an experience that is overwhelming to one's nervous system.

It doesn't have to be inherently life-threatening or

objectively life-threatening.

It just has to be perceived on some level by the body, by the nervous system

as being too overwhelming to process.

So that could even be, if you're a very highly sensitive kiddo, say you're

walking down the street and there's a big scary dog barking at you from

behind a fence, and your nervous system is just attuned to, you know, safety,

to sound, you may experience that as a trauma, uh, even though another

child who's less sensitive wouldn't.

And so the, the key here is that it is subjective.

I think this is important too when we think about dating, because I know there

are experiences people have in dating that some people experience as traumatic.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

And that may be because it's touching on previous experiences that were traumatic,

and it may also just be that it just was overwhelming to, for example, get

close to someone and then they ghost.

Right.

On a nervous system level, on an attachment system level

that can feel threatening.

Yes.

So all of this, I hope is, is helping you dear listener, really feel like

if you're feeling really deeply impacted by something, there's,

there's nothing wrong with you.

Mm-hmm.

There's probably a really good reason for that.

And you deserve care and support if you're having a really difficult time, even with

just what's happening in your dating life.

Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

And I think it's so easy in our society to brush aside the forms of trauma

that are a little bit less obvious.

Mm-hmm.

I know this is certainly true for folks who are, are you know, raised men,

but I think it's also true for, for you know, folks of all genders that we

are kind of taught to be tough, right?

Yeah.

To like brush it aside, it's not a big deal.

It shouldn't bother you just keep going.

If it's bothering you, there's something wrong with you.

Right?

Right.

You're broken in some way and it's like, that is such a damaging message because

it stops us from actually getting the help and healing that we need that would allow

us to have the kinds of connections or experiences in our lives that we'd love.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah.

Well, and one of the things that we know about trauma is that some people

who go through trauma don't develop something like PTSD and anxiety disorder.

And the difference between that person and somebody who does develop

that disorder is they have community support before, during, and after.

They feel seen, they feel safe, they feel witnessed and supported.

Right.

And so just like what you're saying, there is an impulse with trauma

to isolate and to tough it out.

And that is actually the opposite of what is needed to heal.

So ironic.

Yeah.

So just one more, uh, interesting definition of

trauma that you might hold onto.

I've, I've heard some trauma experts refer to trauma as any occurrence, after

which nothing will ever be the same again.

Hmm.

So in that frame, you could actually even hold things like the birth of

a child or a wedding as a trauma, which isn't to say that it was a

bad thing, but that it probably shifted your sense of self forever.

Fascinating.

I haven't heard that definition before.

That's really interesting.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, shall we talk a little bit more about how trauma affects dating?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what are the signs that trauma might be at play?

Yeah.

I wanna jump into signs in a moment, but let's actually do a, a little more

looking at trauma, what we think trauma is and how it can show up more generally.

Okay.

Great.

Okay.

So coming back to that example of war being the big T, trauma that's

kind of most seen in, in popular media and accepted by our culture.

So you've probably seen in a movie on TV somewhere like a veteran who

maybe hears a car backfire or a firework and they go into a flashback,

perhaps they dive under a table or kind of get into a defensive mode.

Right?

So that's kind of what we've been taught a flashback looks like.

Okay.

That happens some of the time for some people, but it's actually not

the most common form of a flashback.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Uh, so trauma expert, Janina Fisher says trauma survivors

have symptoms, not memories.

Okay, so flashbacks aren't usually visual movies of the original trauma

In our mind, they're often just sort of overwhelming, confusing

feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.

Okay, so put another way, Bessel VanDerKolk says, the emotions and

physical sensations that were imprinted during the trauma are experienced

not as memories, but as disruptive physical reactions in the present.

I think that's so helpful to know and be able to to recognize,

because if you're looking for, I'm flashing back to a, like a, you know,

movie in my mind of this moment,

mm-hmm you might miss these other actual signals that something is

going on here that's just confusing, it doesn't, it doesn't clearly like

link to that moment necessarily.

Right.

Right.

It could just be this overwhelming urge to get away.

Yes, yes.

For instance, that may be very confusing and feel like, I don't know

why I'm feeling this in this moment.

It doesn't feel like it makes sense, right, necessarily to what's happening.

But can be very, very painful and very real, very, very scary.

Yeah.

And then that often will lead to lower self image.

Mm-hmm.

There's something wrong with me.

Maybe I can't be in relationship.

Right.

And how painful is that, right?

Right.

So yeah, I mean, let's talk about having a flashback in dating that's

not that kind of movie in the mind, but more of an overwhelming

sense of fight, flight, freeze.

Mm-hmm.

So let's say you go on a date and you're feeling shut down.

Mm-hmm.

You're unable to flirt or really be yourself.

Okay.

And maybe if we were to really look underneath that, what we

would find is an old experience of being bullied as a teenager.

Maybe there's the still to be healed, heartbreak from the

end of your last relationship.

Right.

That left you feeling terrified of getting close to someone else.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe there's growing up with a, a parent who's cold and critical, especially

when you were playful or expressive.

Yeah.

Right.

And you aren't remembering any of this in your explicit memory.

You're just kind of a little shut down.

Yeah.

And so I hope you can already hear dear listener that one of the keys

to healing that is just recognizing that it isn't, that you're just a

shut down, non-flirtatious person who's just not capable of dating.

It's that there's something underneath that that needs to be resolved.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

So just remember that with unresolved trauma, that's really, uh, something

that changes the lens through which we see the world, right.

So it makes us less open and available for intimacy.

Without our conscious awareness, it stops us from trusting others or

accurately assessing the health and long-term viability of our relationships.

So our trauma-based projections stop us from really seeing things as they are.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Instead of that cutie who's sitting across from you that you're having a hard time

flirting with, instead of recognizing they're actually still real interested in

you, that cold parent in your unconscious mind might be getting projected onto

them and you just keep seeing all their signals as they don't like me.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Yeah.

So painful.

Yeah.

So the, the point with all of this is if you've been struggling with dating

and finding your person, you haven't been able to figure out why, really

consider whether trauma's at play.

I do have a quiz for you to assess that, to start to, you know, pull that

thread, it's called, "Is Unresolved Trauma Stopping You From Finding Love?"

we'll include a link in the show notes and you'll go through some common signs

that can come up for trauma survivors in dating, which we are actually

gonna go over some in a moment here.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Any questions, thoughts about any of that before we look at those signs?

I just really appreciated your reminder that even, even a past

heartbreak Yes, can make it hard to date if we haven't had the time to heal and

resolve that so that we're available.

And sometimes the advice is, oh, well just go, go out there, get

out there, you know, get over it.

Uh, which again is some of that similar kind of dismissive messaging

that's, it shouldn't be a big deal.

The only way to move on is to just start dating again.

And for some people that's okay, but for, for some people it really doesn't work.

Right.

It's very painful.

It doesn't give them the space to really be present for the dating that they're

doing and be able to enjoy it, be able to make the connections they're looking for.

So, again, I I love that we're, we're pulling out these details of the

different ways this can show up and the things that may, may contribute to it.

Yeah.

I think it is really, really important to validate that dating

can be traumatic sometimes.

Mm-hmm.

And I think one piece to name in there, it could be heartbreak.

Heartbreak is a trauma.

Another piece that I I like to highlight is, you know, there's a lot of there's

a lot of trauma survivors in the world.

We establish that right at the top of the episode.

That means you're gonna be meeting a lot of trauma survivors in the dating pool.

Right?

Right.

And so some of them may be repeating things that they learned in their

past, relationships that were not healthy, things like, Gaslighting or

love bombing or, you know, any sort of form of unhealthy relating can

really have a very negative impact.

And so, you know, I mentioned ghosting already.

So if you are feeling, uh, shook by your dating experiences, again,

that makes perfect sense to me.

Mm-hmm.

Um, and give yourself the time and space to really process that experience.

And we'll talk a little bit later about, okay, so great, everyone's a

trauma survivor, I'm a trauma survivor.

What, what do we do?

What do we do?

I, I got you.

I've got a list of things that I want you to be looking at with that.

Okay.

But first and foremost, why don't we go ahead and look at what are the signs?

The signs, yeah.

Yeah.

So common struggles that trauma survivors experience in dating.

I'm gonna go over just a few clusters of things.

There's a much longer list on our website.

We will link you to that in the show notes.

Um, but let's go ahead and look at what I refer to as behaviors that

point to a fragmented sense of self.

Okay.

So an example of this might be becoming a different person

in romantic relationships.

Okay.

So, for example, you are powerful at work.

You feel competent, you feel, uh, you know, secure and stable.

And then when you get into romantic relationships, somehow

all of that goes out the window.

You feel lost.

You feel like a maybe a little kid, um, and you're unable

to really stand your ground.

Mm-hmm.

That's a really clear indicator to me of there's something in there

that, that's getting activated.

Okay.

Other examples of this might be feeling out of control when dating, like almost

feeling like you're compelled to relate to certain people even though you know

they're probably not good for you.

Mm-hmm.

So really looking for do I feel like a different person when I'm dating?

And not in a good way, because sometimes we, we, sometimes I feel

like get into a relationship with somebody and it's like, oh, I feel

like they, they get me and I feel so alive and like myself and yes.

But this is like, no, you're feeling small.

You're feeling like, ugh.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Or you know, for some people it may be a swing.

Between feeling really small and then feeling really powerful.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Uh, maybe feeling almost going into the realm of grandiosity.

Yep.

Right.

And, and all of us, when we are falling in love, we, we've got a rush of yummy

chemicals that make us feel more powerful.

It's kind of like being on drugs, right.

But if you, if that grandiosity kind of pushes you to do more extreme things,

for example, get engaged within a month.

Right.

That's, you know, look at that.

Look at what's underneath that.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So another sort of kind of category of traits, uh, or behaviors that can point

to some trauma are boundary issues.

So I just referred to one actually rushing into relationships.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

A pattern of ending relationships abruptly, often blindsiding your partners.

A tendency to date people who are not able to relate to you in a healthy way.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe they struggle with mental illness that is not being treated, they're

emotionally or logistically unavailable, or they're even subtly or overtly abusive.

Okay.

That's a boundary issue and an inability to protect ourselves is often an indicator

that there's some trauma Yeah at play.

So we've got kinda fragmented sense of self.

And boundary issues so far as two of the main signs.

Yes.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Another one I'll name is Difficulties with Vulnerability.

Okay.

Okay.

So difficulties opening up, letting your walls come down.

Like we said earlier, maybe that difficulty like flirting, right?

Being yourself.

Another form of difficulty with vulnerability is feeling turned off or

maybe mildly disgusted even by those who express interest and care openly.

And then on the flip side of that being turned on by those

who are more dismissive or aloof.

Okay.

That's a sneaky one right there.

A real sneaky one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You gotta watch out for that.

Like, am I being a little bit disgusted by people who are kind and interested in me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

One tell for me around that is I often wanna look deeper when some, when

somebody comes to me and says, I am always attracted to people who aren't interested

in me, and the people who are interested in me are never people I want to date.

So it's like a, it's a very black and white thing.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Because there's always, I think, gonna be some experience in dating where it's like,

oh, there's some people who are interested in me that I'm not interested in For sure.

And vice versa.

But if it's an always, that's a red flag, I think for sure.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Another example of difficulties with vulnerability would be something like

feeling uncomfortable around partners who are emotionally expressive or

ending relationships once they reach an intolerable level of closeness.

Mm-hmm.

And why is that?

Is that like the level of closeness is actually a signal of danger

because of our past experiences?

Yes, exactly.

We are, we are wired to seek out close relationships.

Right.

You know, some of us are, have an orientation that is aromantic or asexual.

So it's not necessarily, we're not pulled towards a romantic

relationship, but all human beings are wired to seek out intimacy.

Mm-hmm.

And so to seek out intimacy and then to all of a sudden have an over overwhelming

desire to get away indicates that there's something in the nervous system that

does associate closeness with danger.

Okay.

Let's do maybe one more and then, uh, we can shift.

So another another sign of trauma and dating is anxiety.

Okay.

Now, not all anxiety, but when you, for example, go on a date and you

blush and tremble and sweat and have difficulty speaking, uh, your mind

blanks, you have racing thoughts, uh, that can be a form of dating anxiety.

And dating anxiety can just be sort of genetic and hereditary.

It can also be based in some traumatic experiences.

Okay.

So really looking at your level of distress on dates, it's very normal to

feel a little anxious on a first date.

If it's an overwhelming amount, you, you're gonna wanna look deeper at that.

Okay?

And then another form of anxiety, I think a, a lot of, uh, people are familiar

with, with dating is hypervigilance, for example, monitoring how long

a date takes to respond to a text.

Mm-hmm.

Okay?

Yeah.

So most people who have a little touch of anxious attachment will have some, uh,

like sort of tracking where their love interest is in terms of responsiveness.

If it's to the point where you're sort of crawling out of your skin uncomfortable

and you're having the impulse text them over and over again, I would want you to

look deeper at that too, to see what's underneath that high level of anxiety.

Makes sense.

I heard an example recently of a friend going on a date.

Yeah.

Or I think he hadn't even gone on a date yet, actually.

I think he was just messaging with this person and she messaged him in

the morning and he was working, and I think it was maybe a, a few hours later

she sent him a, a ghost emoji, right?

Yes.

And he was like, do, do you think I'm ghosting you?

Yeah.

because I didn't respond?

And she's like, yeah, ha ha.

And it, it was, uh, I feel like one of those moments of like, there's not quite

enough, I mean, we don't know what's happening really for that person, but

it's a sign that there may be something that's happening that is not quite enough,

uh, spaciousness in her system to be able to tolerate going more than a few hours

without a love interest right responding.

Right.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Well, and it can become this Unfortunate, self-fulfilling prophecy.

Right.

Because as I recall, that story ends with them not going on another date.

Yeah.

Right.

And he was interested in her.

And yeah, so there's yeah, just that, that piece of learning how

to be with our nervous systems in a way that is trauma informed, uh,

which we will get to in a little bit.

Yep.

Through hearing all of this, one might be thinking, it sounds

really hard to have a relationship Yes after having experienced trauma.

Uh, so I feel like the natural next question would be, can

someone who has survived trauma have a healthy relationship?

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I think we named kind of up top that we've seen a lot of people

who have survived some really difficult things, find their person or persons

and get married and, you know, if they wanna have kids, they get, they

have kids and the whole shebang.

So it's absolutely possible.

I do think that knowing that trauma is a factor and having the

right tools and support is key.

Mm-hmm.

And I'll just put a plug in.

If you're listening to this episode and you don't think you've experienced trauma

in your life, You're probably gonna date someone who has given how many people

have experienced trauma in the world.

And so you may wanna listen to this through that lens.

Yes.

Right.

What can I learn about how to be a great partner for someone

who has experienced trauma?

Yes.

And we'll touch on that maybe a little bit as we go here.

Most of this will really be for the folks who have experienced trauma in their life.

But, uh, I invite you to listen through that lens.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Great point.

So we, we, we know some of the signs now that trauma may be at play.

We know it's possible to have a healthy relationship if you've experienced trauma.

The next natural question is, okay, how do I do it?

How do I start dating after trauma and even while healing from trauma, is it

possible to start dating before I've kind of quote unquote fully healed?

Right, right.

Whatever that means.

Right.

Well, I think your quotes are, uh, kind of pointing to the answer to that,

which is healing is an ongoing process.

I think a lot of people do wonder like, is it okay to date if I am,

if I'm healing from something?

And I think that you do not need to heal all of your trauma before dating.

In fact, I, I would argue that's probably not entirely possible.

And we are wounded in relationship.

We heal in relationship.

So remember what I said earlier about the, the key to healing trauma

or to a traumatic experience not turning into PTSD is support.

And so the very thing that you're going to need is to build

caring relationships with others.

Okay.

Now, is there a a point in someone's recovery where it doesn't

make sense for them to date?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Some signs I would look out for, for that is if you're struggling

to take care of the basics of self-care or to relate to others in a

loving, consistent, or self-honoring manner, focus on recovery first.

If dating causes overwhelming reactions that keep you in a state of stress,

most of the time, focus on stabilizing and establishing a foundation

of safety within yourself first.

Okay.

Um, and that said, I think that it's totally a beautiful thing to allow

yourself to date while healing trauma.

And to actually embrace the process as a way to heal trauma.

You know, doing it of course in a way that respects and honors those around you.

But it is actually one of the paths through trauma is to allow yourself to

open up to others and then to process what comes up for you within that.

It strikes me as you're saying that, that it's a little bit similar

to exposure therapy for social anxiety that we, we talk about sometimes in that

when you're in this, this middle zone where you, you kind of, I, as you're

saying, you've established some amount of sense of safety within yourself.

You're taking care of your basic needs and some of these other factors

that you pointed to that it's almost like it's good to get into dating a

little bit perhaps and see what comes up and have support to process that,

whether that's with friends, family, community, therapists, coaches, whoever.

And then do more and see but you're, you're, you're allowing yourself to

modulate how much you're engaging with it.

Yes.

That it's not just, okay, I'm dating, it's on or off, right.

That it's, I either I'm just going on dates all the time and you know,

whatever, or I'm not dating at all, but that there's an opportunity to

step into it in a gradual way that allows you to process what comes up for

you as you go as part of the healing.

Yes.

Such an important point.

And let's just zoom back a little bit because exposure therapy, we might

wanna remind the listener about that.

The principle behind that is that when we have an anxiety disorder, when we have a

high level of anxiety, About something.

Oftentimes the number one symptom of anxiety, including, and

especially PTSD, is avoidance.

Mm-hmm.

And this is also on my list of common signs of trauma being at play when we

see someone avoiding dating, including with the excuse of, well, I just

need to do a little more self work.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Sometimes that's true and sometimes there's kind of a, a, a covert

avoidance underneath that.

Okay.

So, to your point, it's really important to start to slowly but surely expose

ourselves to the thing that is scary.

And with support, start to allow our nervous system to associate

that more and more with safety.

There's this great video that I think just went out in our

newsletter of this baby eating a piece of kiwi cracks me up every time.

The baby like, puts the kiwi in its mouth.

It's like, ugh.

It makes this like, really, like, ugh, that was awful faced.

And then it does it again, like, oh, picks it out.

Does it again.

And in between he is like looking at the kiwi, kinda like, huh?

Kinda like processing it.

Like, oh, it wasn't all bad.

Like there was sweetness there.

There's something That's nice.

Okay, let's try it.

Oh, no.

Still weird.

Oh, let's try it again.

I feel like it's such a beautiful example of exposure therapy.

Yes.

Illustration of it.

Yeah.

Well, and just, I love how it normalizes stepping outside your comfort zone,

especially when you've had a a trauma, you've gone through a trauma, it's

gonna feel weird, it's gonna feel a little threatening and that is normal.

Yeah.

Right.

The key with exposure therapy, which you have named a a bit here, is it has

to be a tolerable amount of challenge.

Uh, and so that's one of the keys here in how to date in a healthy

way after trauma is you're gonna wanna challenge yourself some.

But not too much.

Okay.

You're gonna wanna say, say you have a, a scale of zero to a hundred of anxiety.

We want you between a 30 and a 50 when you're challenging yourself.

Okay?

Above that, you're gonna keep teaching your nervous system that dating

is overwhelming and threatening.

And below that, you're, you may not grow as fast as you want.

Okay?

So keep that one in mind and listen to our first episode for a little

more about the process of balancing challenge with soothing in dating.

Mm-hmm.

Perfect.

The other thing I really recommend is keep in mind as you're going towards

starting dating while healing trauma or reinitiating it's okay to take breaks.

Mm-hmm.

I want you to plan on it.

In fact, Because of this process of needing to balance challenge with

soothing, there's gonna be something that happens in dating that brings up

more trauma material than you can process while still being able to focus on dating.

So there will be moments where you need to step back and give yourself some

time and space to really process through all the things that get kicked up.

So shall we actually talk a little bit more about, how to process things,

how to do this in a healthy way?

Yes, let's do it.

Okay.

So as you're starting to date or resuming dating, I want you to really

make sure you have support in place.

Okay?

So that's, for example, working with a trauma oriented therapist, ideally, one

who specializes in dating or, uh, any other support figure that you really

trust to hold space for you while you're going through this process.

That can be friends, loved ones, coaches.

You, Josh mentioned exposure therapy,

and one beautiful tool for reengaging with dating in this way that kind

of targets that sweet spot of 30 to 50 in terms of that challenge

zone is an exposure hierarchy.

I'm gonna link you to my in-depth article about how to create an exposure hierarchy.

It's basically really listing out what are all the baby steps that I could take

towards my ultimate goal of, say, going on a date and feeling really confident.

Right?

Um, and so you'll identify, you'll break things down into baby steps.

Things like, I'm gonna imagine I'm on a date.

Okay.

I'm going to role play being on a date with my therapist.

So very slowly but surely working your way through and that exposure hierarchy

for you can be a beautiful roadmap for where you're gonna go in this process

and give you a sense of clarity.

I know each step I'm gonna take to slowly bring my nervous system

to a place of more confidence.

One of the things I love about that also is that it, it helps

reassure you that you do have a plan.

Mm-hmm.

That even as you're taking what may seem like very small steps

at times, and your brain may at times be like, I need to go faster.

I, I, I wanna find my partner.

This isn't going quickly enough.

And you might have the thought that you need to rush beyond

where you're really at.

But having a plan, knowing this is part of a step-by-step process

that I'm going through that's getting me where I want to go.

Mm-hmm.

Even if it maybe isn't as instantaneous as I might prefer it to be, can help

reassure your system, be like, okay, we're taking the steps we need to take right

now and we're doing what we need to do to have the relationship we really want.

Yes.

Yeah.

Beautiful point.

And I, I really encourage you to affirm each step forward.

Pat yourself on the back, take yourself out for ice cream.

Whatever it is for you, every step is meaningful.

Um, the other thing I want you to remember is that this kind of exposure

work I find has a snowball effect.

So it can feel very kind of slow going at the beginning,

but it's gonna pick up speed.

Your system's gonna over time become more and more flexible.

So just expect that, that's a great reminder.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

One place I wanna go before we go into a few more tools is to name a couple

of common mistakes that survivors make when dating after trauma.

Okay.

Okay.

So one is called Trauma dumping.

Hmm.

Have you heard of this one?

I have, yes.

What, what's your understanding of it?

When someone who has experienced trauma early on in a new relationship

with somebody, They share all about their trauma and everything they've been

through out of a, I think sometimes it's out of a, either, a worry of keeping it

back is somehow misleading the person or not being open and vulnerable.

Or just thinking like being vulnerable means sharing all of this immediately.

So it's like first date, here's everything that happened to me in the past.

Yep.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

So sharing traumatic experiences with others without their

invitation or consent.

So example of this might be you go on a first date and your date asks you, you

know, about your family, and you share in detail about your father's untimely

death and the devastating unwinding of your family system as a result.

And it's way too much, way too fast.

Okay.

And this is very common also for trauma survivors because a lot

of traumas are about boundary crossings or boundary violations.

Right?

And so there is a difficulty being able to monitor and assess appropriate

pace or appropriate boundaries.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Now of course this has some negative effects.

One is it may discourage people from going on another date.

Right.

If it feels like too much for them.

The other thing that can happen is that, um, two trauma survivors

can bond over a shared trauma.

Mm-hmm.

And they can confuse that bonding for compatibility.

Okay.

Yeah, questions, thoughts about that?

Don't do that.

No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You, you want a relationship that is based on love and care and shared

values and shared vision for your lives, not about a shared past experience.

Right?

Right.

Now, is there a place to share traumas with somebody that you're

building a relationship with?

Absolutely.

In fact, that can be an important part of really getting to know one another.

I think the key here is really noticing have you really asked for consent?

Is it appropriate to the level of relationship that you're at?

And I encourage you to use the share check method, which

we've talked about previously.

You know, share a little bit and check to see what their response is.

Okay.

Do they seem comfortable with even learning about that?

And also are they compassionate and kind in response?

Mm-hmm.

Um, so remember, if you are a trauma survivor whose past traumas include

boundary violations, it may be hard for you to slow down enough to assess

whether the other person is really I about to say worthy of you sharing.

And I think that's a little bit of a complicated word worthy, but that they

have shown enough they've built up enough trust with you to earn your confidence.

Okay?

Yeah.

They've demonstrated they're gonna take good care of you.

Yes.

Uh, or that you have a reasonable expectation that they will.

Mm-hmm.

'cause sadly, the truth is not everyone will be able to in that

moment for all kinds of reasons that we won't, don't need to get into.

But the bottom line is you want to be sharing with people that are very likely

to respond kindly, compassionately, and will give you an experience of safety

and, and trust and true vulnerability.

Yes.

Yes, absolutely.

So in my mind, the opposite of trauma dumping and the kind of mistaking common

trauma for compatibility is pacing.

We have an episode about this.

Pacing your relationships very mindfully, that's gonna include a number

of different trauma healing skills.

Okay?

So it's gonna include repairing your relationship with your body and intuition,

which really gets impacted in trauma.

It includes exposure therapy, it includes, uh, utilizing assertive

communication setting boundaries, and it also includes mindful self-inquiry.

Okay?

So, um, check out that episode.

That is definitely one of the number one tools I would recommend as

you're dating while healing trauma.

Another one that we've already touched on is really embracing dating as your hero's

journey, your heroine's journey, right?

See it really as one of the fastest ways to heal from trauma and become

an even stronger version of yourself.

And in that frame, what I love about that is that it's not that you're

gonna love the sort of sudden reactions that you get in dating, right?

The getting flooded.

You're not gonna enjoy those more with that frame, but you're

gonna see that as useful, okay?

Because that's giving you very important information about

what is left to be healed.

Okay?

Related to pacing, going back a little bit, I also recommend really

getting hip to your trauma symptoms and how they produce repeating

patterns that no longer serve you.

Okay.

So let me give you an example.

Let's say that you grew up with that distant cold parent that we were talking

about previously, and you do a little bit of work with your trauma oriented dating

therapist and you realize, oh yeah, I'm 100% repeating that by going towards

choosing to spend my time with people who tend to be emotionally unavailable.

Okay.

And so with that information, you can now make new choices.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

You can start to go on dates more with the people who do seem a little

bit more emotionally available.

Right.

Or perhaps you realize, wow, I am just 100% avoiding dating

entirely because of a past trauma.

Right now that's gonna tell you, okay, well it's time to very slowly but surely

get back in, in, into the dating pool.

Mm-hmm.

Good.

Is there anything else that is important to share about how

do I start dating after trauma?

Yes.

I want to offer some of those tips and tools around processing

trauma material that comes up.

So when you have a strong response to your dating experience, one that

feels perhaps out of proportion to what's actually happening that's often

an indicator that there is something else that's getting activated.

Yes.

Something from the past.

Okay.

What I recommend is use that moment to process whatever is getting

kicked up by that experience.

Ideally, before you take any action.

Yeah.

So for example this story you told earlier where they sent the ghost emoji, right?

My guess is that came from, that action came from an overactivated

nervous system that, you know, she was worried she was being abandoned.

Yes.

Okay.

And so had she had the support needed to process what was coming up for her,

she may have been able to respond in a way that actually drew him closer.

Right?

So another example might be you feel panicked when the person you've been

dating for a few months starts to talk to you about wanting to move in together.

Mm.

Your impulse is to run.

No, thank you.

No.

And so really allowing yourself, you know, let them know, Hey, I need a

moment to be with myself to really process my thoughts and feelings about

this, instead of disappearing for a day or shutting the conversation down.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So how do you process trauma material?

Number one, as we mentioned already therapy.

Therapy is really helpful for this, especially working with

a trauma-informed therapist.

Another piece to know about working with trauma.

Trauma really lodges in the body, okay.

In the nervous system, as we've mentioned, it's not often or not as frequently

in kind of that memory where you have a movie about what happened, right?

And so what you're gonna need to do is really incorporate your body.

When we go into a stress state, state, fight, flight, or freeze,

which is what happens when we go through a trauma essentially the

body doesn't get to complete the, what's called the stress cycle, okay?

So when we are processing trauma, when it's gotten activated by our current

experiences, it you're, there's gonna be something happening in the body

that is wanting to move through.

And one way to do that is through movement.

Okay.

There's also dance there's somatic experiencing there's Qigong.

Really anything where you can involve the body and allow it to

kind of do the running that it had the impulse to do in that trauma

originally that it wasn't able to do.

Right.

Maybe even do the punching right.

Some, some of my clients do really well with things like boxing or

drama therapy boxing, where you're boxing the air, you know, it doesn't

have to be anything too fancy.

I do, I have had clients who actually have gone out into the

woods and like chopped wood.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

And that has been really, really helpful.

I bet.

Yeah.

Yelling into a pillow.

Right.

So any of these practices that really allow you to express some of the

things you weren't able to express in the original trauma, that's

gonna be really, really important.

Another piece that's helpful in processing trauma material is connecting the dots.

So When I say connect the dots, what I mean is, okay, I'm having this experience

where I am feeling the urge to run because my partner wants to move in with me.

I need to take a moment to really feel into, think about

what could that be connected to?

Could that possibly be connected to and then floating back in my memory.

Again, trauma, it doesn't necessarily show up as memories.

So some of the time you're gonna need to be guessing, okay?

You're gonna need to be putting together the pieces based on

what you know about your life.

One of the tools I like to use for this is when we're in that triggered

moment to ask, how old do you feel?

Mm.

Right.

And so sometimes my clients will say, I don't know why, but I feel

like I'm like four years old.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

And we, we explore, okay.

What was happening in your life when you were four?

Oh, my stepfather moved in when I was four, and he was abusive.

Right.

And so, you know, obviously again, you don't have the memory, but the

key there is to really notice how the nervous system responds when

you put certain things together.

When you say to yourself, oh, my current impulse to run, perhaps

that's connected to that experience of my stepfather moving in.

And just notice if the nervous system has a kind of a resonance with that.

If it relaxes, if it just sends you a signal that says, like, there's

something about that that feels true.

Okay.

So really connecting the dots and what that's gonna do.

It's actually moving it from one part of the system to another, so it's moving

it from the implicit memory where it can kind of take over right, suddenly,

into the prefrontal cortex where we have we have more power over it.

We get choice over how that experience impacts us.

Brilliant.

Connected to that tell your story.

Okay.

So as you're processing these traumatic, uh, experiences, as you're connecting

the dots, it's very important to tell the story of what happened in the past

and how that impacted who you are today.

And you can tell your story to your therapist.

You can write it in your journal.

You can dance it out.

You can make art about it.

Uh, you can share it with loved ones.

You can share it more than once.

Okay?

But the more you're able to share that in a way that balances thinking

and feeling, the more, again, you are gonna have control over it, rather

than it taking over your dating life.

Good stuff.

Good stuff.

Mm.

I know we gave you a lot dear listener today.

And just take what is useful and leave the rest for now.

This is part of the gradual integration process that you can take a piece

of this and that may be enough for right now, and you come back when

you're ready and take the next piece.

So just be gentle with yourself as you're listening to this.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, just find one little place where

you can apply something that we've shared today and go from there.

Yes, that's all you need to start.

All right folks.

That's all for today.

You can find the show notes with links to all the resources we've mentioned in this

episode at relationshipcenter.com/podcast.

Yes, and if you love today's show, go to

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We'll send you a short, helpful email once a month with informative articles,

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