Spending time with family over the holiday period can be challenging, especially when dealing with difficult family members. These dynamics can quickly bring us back into a state of unconsciousness and disconnect us from ourselves. It's important to find a way to protect our energy and maintain healthy relationships with our family members.

The key is to release the expectation that your family will fully understand and see us for who we are. Accepting that they may never fully comprehend our journey allows us to free ourselves from seeking their validation and protects our energy.

In this episode, Lorin will help you recognise the role you play in your family dynamic, embrace the truth about your family members, and establish healthy boundaries.

If we keep trying to please or be fully understood by certain members of our family, we risk falling back into old patterns and draining our energy. We might feel disconnected from ourselves, experience judgment and criticism, and struggle to maintain healthy relationships. Ignoring these issues can hinder our personal growth and overall well-being.

Remember, it's OK if your family members don't fully understand you. Focus on nurturing relationships that support your growth and surround yourself with individuals who value and respect you.

Mentioned in this episode:

The Deep Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey to unlock the deepest intimacy through masculine & feminine dynamics.

Today's episode is about dealing with difficult family members.

I wanted to record this episode before many of you are about

to spend time with your family.

And even if you aren't, there's most likely going to come a point

in the future where you will spend time with your family.

Family is one of these topics that can be very, very tough in our spiritual

journey as it can quickly bring us back into a state of unconsciousness, feeling

disconnected from ourselves, falling into old patterns of pleasing overexplaining

ourselves, revoking old anger and resentment within us, whatever it is.

In today's episode, I will reveal the wisest and from my perspective, most

powerful approach to dealing with your family so you can protect your

energy and do not fall back into old patterns when you spend time with your

family or day getting contact with you.

And it's not just about learning to protect your energy and

not falling into all patterns.

This also is in alignment with having the.

Best relationship that you can have with your family.

Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics Podcast.

My name is Lorin Krenn and I a relationship coach.

I help you to embody your awakened masculine and feminine

in relationships and life.

Let's dive in.

First of all, we need to understand that in our family we played a specific

role and we might still be playing this role when we fall into it energetically.

This is why it is called family dynamics, and there are is even a whole field, very

interesting called Family Constellation.

So we are, whether we want it or not, we played our role to perfection of

whatever our role was in that dynamic.

And for many of us, that role was an unconscious role, a role.

We don't, we did not want to play trying to appease everyone, whatever role it is.

It could be trying to appease everyone, over explaining yourself,

trying to get seen by certain people.

Whatever it is, we played a certain part of that dynamic.

And what happens when we are in an unconscious dynamic is

that it takes energy from us.

It doesn't allow us to be in our authentic power.

It limits us to this kind of unconscious play and dynamic that we are in.

And you've been playing this.

Role to perfection for many years.

That is why it is so deeply ingrained in you.

And we believe that we escape this role when we move out.

That is why often there is this deep desire to move away, to bring distance

between you and your family, even if it's a very healthy family dynamic.

Even when they love you, this distance is necessary in order to get out of that

role that you played in a dynamic in order to truly find your authentic self

and your authentic role in this world.

Because in family dynamics, that role has been defined for you.

Whereas when you go into the world, you create that for you, which is

of course, authentic and truthful.

So even though when we bring distance to our family, when we create our

own lives and create our own family, that still doesn't mean that we have

entangled ourselves energetically from that unconscious dynamic that

we find ourselves and we family.

And I believe many of you know what I'm talking about because you might

be really feeling really great in your spiritual journey in every

area, most areas of your life.

And then you go back to family or to specific family members and boom, you

fall into these unconscious patterns.

You start to overexplain yourself.

You try to appease them.

You try them to see you for who you are, but they're not seeing you.

It's getting you activated.

You no longer.

Feel like yourself, you disconnect from yourself.

When that happens, it shows that there is still something energetically

that needs to be released that you need to unchain yourself from.

Um, and that of course takes a lot of work because all of this is very unconscious.

Another point is, and as harsh as this sounds, usually our family are not people

we would necessarily choose as friends or our, as our inner circle right now.

This might sound harsh, but there it's really actually not that harsh.

It's your family.

You haven't chosen your, well.

Some people say the soul chooses the family, but, in this life consciously.

Uh, right now, you haven't chosen your family, right?

You came into this life, and later on you might realize that many of

your family members do not share the same spiritual views as you, and you

realize that they might have not been the people that you thought they were

when you were a little child because there was a whole different dynamic.

So this is very important to realize that our family is not the circle, the

conscious circle we have chosen around us when we have, have, have done some deep

healing and really found our path and who we want to surround ourselves with.

So often they don't resemble our values.

Actually, they couldn't be more different than us, most likely.

And that in itself is neither good or bad.

Because if you are waiting for your family to, to understand you and see you

exactly as you are, you might be waiting your whole life because they might never.

Let's talk about this later, because that in itself is something that we

need to free ourselves from, having expectations that our family or certain

family members will see ourselves.,

So.

Here comes already the conflict, right?

Because as children, we saw them in a different light and now we

are met with this resistance.

We are met with maybe realizing that they do not support us unconditionally.

They do not accept and love as unconditionally.

We, we feel their judgments, And you will most likely feel that with

specific family members much more.

That's why this episode is specifically about dealing with your family in general,

but specifically of course with those who very difficult, because those were

very healthy, there is not much to deal with that anyway because it's healthy.

So specifically those difficult family members, what's happening is that you

might be met with a lot of resistance.

There might even be jealousy, specifically between siblings, but

this could be with any family members.

So there, there can really be this sense of jealousy.

And that can even feel as a sort of betrayal for you, because you

have spent all this time with that person, you love them so deeply,

and now they seem to be the opposite of what you thought they were.

It's almost like you had all these ideas of how they are, and then you

spend a few years away from your family, you create your own path.

You go back and you realize, whoa, they're actually not the person I

thought they were, and they might actually not accept me for who I am,

and they're actually not seeing me.

And they might even be jealous, and they might even be resistance.

They might even try to play me down.

Their shadow might be very activated with me.

And that in itself is important.

You need to come to this place where you are confronted with reality, so to speak.

Because as children, we recreate these ideas and fantasy worlds.

But as you grow up, you start to realize this world is not real.

Or it's not real, but that it's just a bit romanticized.

And now you see it in a different way, in a clearer way,

almost like with fresh eyes.

The eyes of a conscious being.

Which leads us to the first step into really learning to deal with

difficult family members specifically.

Where are you still trying to be seen by them, by your parents,

by a specific family member?

And what behavior, energy and dynamics do you engage in as a result of that?

What behavior, energy you go in and dynamics as a result of wanting

to be seen by this specific family member who's not seeing you?

So you might, for instance, you might come to the conclusion that you

will still want to be seen by your mother, brother, sister, whatever.

And as a result of that, you over explain about why you do

what you do, your decisions.

And in that oversharing, you breathe shallow.

You feel like a child, energetically.

It is immensely draining to you.

What's happening is that that inner child inside you is still in that

dynamic of wanting to be seen by them, wanting them to understand you, but

that is not a healthy dynamic because that gives that person power over you.

Now, let's go deep into this.

Most likely they're not wanting to exert power over you

unless they're highly abusive.

We're gonna talk about this as well, right?

That is a, that changes things significantly.

But there is a difference, right?

Between highly abusive.

We had this episode about toxic relationships, you might wanna

listen to that after this one.

Huh.

This is a perfect example of falling back into old patterns and energetically

falling into the same role you played as a child, potentially.

So now you need to become ultra present and aware in order to not fall into that,

no matter how strong you feel the pull is.

And this leads us to the harsh truth that we need to adopt, and perhaps the

most important thing in order to deal with difficult family members, and that

is they, if there are several ones or that one person will perhaps never fully

see me for who I am, and that is okay.

Can say it with me.

They might never see me for who I am, and that is okay.

Because you know what?

It has to be okay because if it's not okay, then you are going to suffer.

That doesn't mean you put up with it and you don't set boundaries, which

you're gonna talk about in a second.

But you have to release that.

You have to release that part inside you that wants to be seen by them.

Otherwise, you give their shadow power over you.

And this is a dynamic that drains you.

Because it's not in alignment.

It's not where you are in your power.

You disconnect from your power you are in these shadow dynamics.

So this in itself releases the burden and the expectation.

And when you embody this energy, your energy's naturally more protected

and you are no longer visiting or speaking to them and trying to get a

need met, you engage from and relate from a totally different place.

Unless it's highly abusive, then you might unfortunately have to cut

contact, in some extreme cases forever.

In some other cases, um, it just means really keeping them at

a distance, but hopefully that won't be the case for most of you.

For many of you, it would just be a difficult dynamic, and by you stepping

into that, you change that dynamic and you naturally have then stronger

boundaries and your energy is protected.

Which also leads us to the second harsh truth.

With family, you relate in a different way than with your

inner circle and your beloved.

Hopefully to start with this with your inner circle, and beloved, you can

really share your deepest heart without being shamed, without being ridiculed,

without being judged, without being taken advantage of in some capacity, right?

But that vulnerable sharing of your deepest heart might not be safe at

all in your family, and that doesn't necessarily mean that then you

can't have a relationship with them.

But again, your family might not be on a spiritual journey.

They might still be the same person they were when they were 16 years old.

Their spiritual development stopped when they were at a specific age,

which is not a judgment, it's just what happens when you don't work on yourself.

These patterns only get worse, worse and worse, and the negativity

accumulates and more emotional pain accumulates and gets projected.

That's why it gets increasingly difficult to family members, because

often what happens is that they are so trapped in their unconsciousness

that it just accumulates and gets worse and worse and worse and worse.

And the more spiritually aware we become, the more we sense that out

of alignment and challenging energy.

So you really have to ask yourself, is this a safe place

to share my deepest heart?

And in most cases, I'm gonna tell you already, it will not be.

And that is okay to a certain degree.

What do I mean by that?

Well, your family members are most likely not highly evolved spiritual

beings who can hold your challenges, your pain, your deepest vulnerability

and fragility with great nuance without judging you, giving unsolicited

advice or judging your partner.

This goes specifically into the danger of oversharing.

Because oversharing about your life when other people's shadows are strong,

activated, and they're very identified with them, will often leads to their

shadow getting active and then eliciting power over you in some shape or form.

Instilling doubts within you and potentially even leading you down

the wrong path, making you consider choices that are out of alignment.

So this goes specifically about sharing about your relationship.

Now, if your relationship is abusive, get help, seek help as quickly as possible.

This doesn't apply.

But if you have a great relationship, if you're deeply in love and you work

through certain wounding, which is naturally in every relationship or

challenges, it's part of it because no matter how deeply you love a

person, you also are in relationship with their wounding, your wounding

and relationship with their wounding.

That's not the expression of who you both truly are at a soul level, but it's

something you both will trigger, expose, and are meant to work through because

the path is evolution through union.

Evolution, not just intimacy and pleasure, but evolution.

And you then start to overshare about these things with family members

who can't hold that nuance, and see you for who you truly are, then

they will say things and that will just feel really out of alignment.

And if you have experienced this, you will notice yourself really not feeling good.

They might judge your beloved.

They might do this and that, and it's, it's not necessarily,

again, because they're bad people.

It's just about seeing things clearly as they are.

They are not highly evolved spiritual beings.

So in the rare cases, unless you've got a family of highly evolved shamans or,.

It doesn't have to be a sha it could be anything, right?

Even then it might not work.

But it, it's just very, very rarely that the family, specifically with all

the unconscious dynamics and shadows at work here, it's just not gonna work.

This doesn't mean don't share anything and just be secretive or anything.

No, no.

But it means keep boundaries around what you share and how much access

they have to your most intimate inner world and challenges.

You are no longer a child.

You don't need to explain to them every single challenge and what you are

going through, you just don't need to.

This is something for your closest people who are safe.

I'm not saying don't be vulnerable in your life.

I'm saying be vulnerable with the right people.

Otherwise, you are going to get hurt.

It's going to create a dynamic that is deeply, deeply draining

you of your energy, and it will just activate people's shadow.

So if your family asks you things you don't want to talk about,

then you need to set boundaries.

And this is where we go into the whole conversation of boundaries.

Because this is really how you deal with a difficult family or

difficult family members, uh, member.

It's really through having healthy boundaries and asserting yourself.

One of the main boundaries needs to be specifically when you're in

a relationship, when you have a new family, um, your soul family

is that you, um, protect them.

And this means you don't allow others to kind of interfere with

that, unless again, it's abusive.

You think it's abusive, or you feel it's very unhealthy and

toxic, then please get help.

I'm not sure if getting help from your family is the wisest approach,

but really that's not for me to say.

That's only for you to, to judge in that moment.

And if you need that help, then seek it as quickly as possible.

But you set a different tone when you are, protecting the sacredness of your

relationship with your beloved now.

But by protecting your, relationship, from sharing too much about your

partner, allowing them to infiltrate, it establishes a much more healthy

dynamic with your family, where it's clear that they are not the number

one priority, but your new family and the way you, uh, the things most

important to you are off limits.

People, they're not allowed to judge that.

or to, to, to give unsolicited advice about that.

That's, that's not something that's going to be discussed.

That's not just what's happening.

You're here to honor your time with your family, but not for them to question who

you are, what you do, and all of that.

That's off limits.

And this relates to boundaries in general, keeping healthy boundaries.

Don't share what you don't feel comfortable sharing with your family.

Don't be always reachable for everything.

You don't owe your family.

If they guilt trip you around, you owing them, that is a wound for them.

Yes, of course you want to be loving to your family.

Of course, you want to give back to them for hopefully all the

wonderful things they gave you, but you don't owe your family.

And specifically if they make you feel like you owe them big time,

that is very toxic, and you have to keep boundaries and protect

yourself fiercely from that, right?

Because that's not okay.

That is an expression of absolutely conditional love.

That's not safe.

I'm not saying don't be reachable to your family, but what I'm saying

is you're not here to owe them.

You are here hopefully to have a great, continue, to have a great relationship

with them, with very healthy boundaries, and you gain their respect by having

these boundaries and by asserting them.

And also this leads is more into the spiritual explanation of family.

Family at a spiritual level is often here to test us, to make us aware

of where we're still unconscious.

So take it as an immensely powerful spiritual training ground for you

to remain centered and also to continue to protect your energy.

It might be difficult, but yet with healthy boundaries and respecting

yourself, you can't have healthy boundaries if you don't honor

yourself and respect yourself.

But then it won't drain your energy.

You will form a new relationship with your family, where they see you

as a very respectable, clear person who is there, who loves them, but

certain things are off limits and there are certain key boundaries,

and that naturally draws respect.

Now of course, going into the topic about extremely toxic family members

where it really gets abusive, I don't know the context, so it's very

hard for me to speak about this, because it's all about context.

It's up to you to decide what you do, but you are allowed to

cut family out of your life.

You don't need to just be with them because it's family, because that's toxic.

You wanna be, if it's somewhat able to, to be in a healthy way, it won't be perfect.

It will never be perfect.

Most likely shadows will be activated.

But by you going having that approach, hopefully it will be in a, at least

in a way that you can protect your energy and you don't feel like

you completely lose your ground.

But if that's not possible at all, then you have to really go at a distance

set, perhaps even fierce boundaries, really have a clear conversation with

them that you're not okay with them.

The difficult thing here is that when you have a problem with

one family member, it might then impact your other family members.

So for instance, if it's your brother and you fall out with your brother,

it'll impact your mother and father if they're still alive, and all of that.

So this is very, very complicated, which also leads us to the next thing.

Pick your battles wisely.

Yes, you need to protect your energy specifically when there is abusive

and highly toxic behavior, but still look at the part within you that might

still be trying to change your family.

That you want them to see the world the way you see it.

You're trying to change them, to reform them to your spiritual views.

If possible, keep healthy boundaries and accept them as

they are with their limitations.

If that is possible, then you will have the best relationship

with them that is possible.

It won't be perfect, but that way you're protecting every other

relationship in the family as well.

And also learning to accept others with their limitations in itself

is a profound spiritual practice.

'cause if you need to change people or tell them, or choose a fight with

a family member just because they see things differently, then you are

just choosing a battle that makes absolutely no sense and will just

cause pain for everyone involved.

Only choose a battle when you are forced to, and that is when it's really toxic

and abusive and really, really unsafe and just in the realm of where it's not

acceptable, the way you are being treated.

And then of course you have to choose that battle because you are forced into it.

I would start with very, very direct boundaries, have a clear communication,

and if that doesn't lead anywhere, yes, then distance might be the

only way to relate to how to relate to that person because they are so

trapped in their shadow that they're just sucking so much energy from you

and just the mere thinking of them or having even a phone conversation

makes you completely ungrounded then yeah, that's not going to serve you.

Which also leads us to a difficult topic, which is you love your family, you love

your mother, you love your father, no matter what they did, because there is

naturally that biological love, that archaic love that is naturally there

for a daughter with her father, for a daughter with her mother, or for a

son with his father and his mother.

It's very challenging.

Again, don't overshare to really conclude here.

Don't overshare.

Keep healthy boundaries.

Protect your new family and make it clear that you have other priorities

and that you don't owe anyone anything.

Look at the parts inside you that are still wanting a certain

family member to see you for who you are, and release that part.

Accept the fact that they might never see you for who you are

and be at peace with this.

This in itself changes totally your energy and naturally leads also to more respect.

It allows you to be in your authentic power.

And see your family as a great spiritual training ground where you are really

actively practicing to really embody the spiritual teachings at the deepest level.

Because if you cook totally unconscious in with your family, then there is

still some embodiment to be done.

There is still certain things to heal, and yes, it's one of those toughest

places, so see it as that and also as the practice if possible, to learn

to accept them the way they are.

And that really, really is a profound practice.

This way, you no longer engage with all these expectations and

this is how it needs to be, you need to see me, none of that.

You release the role of a child that you played unconsciously, and

you establish a new relationship.

That is so much more empowering, ideally, often if it works.

So much more refreshing, so much clearer, so much more honoring.

And that allows you to protect your energy, stay in your power.

So if you're seeing family soon, time to practice.

Time to practice these things.

Not easy, but with time and hopefully if it's possible in your family

dynamics, you will establish a much more empowering relationship.

And if you can't, and if it's absolutely impossible, then release that tool.

Because yes, you are the cycle breakers, but that doesn't mean you

break the cycle for your family.

It's for you and those who you impact.

You break the cycle for that, and if you have children, for your children, but

you can't do that work for your family.

And neither is it your responsibility.

So much learnings here, dealing with family, so much grounded

spirituality here, because love deeply, but also protect your heart.

It's a beautiful paradox.

All serves a purpose.

We are here to evolve.

Thank you for listening.

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Again, thank you so much for being here.

If you are seeing family soon, maybe you can take some notes, re-listen to

the episodes, and then really practice these things to really make sure that

your relationship with your family is as much spiritually aligned with

your path and your heart as possible.

And remember, it's always gonna be imperfect, most of them.

But it's okay.

We can accept the imperfect.

Thank you.