The autumnal equinox means it's time for fall clean-up and maintenance — basically your house is low-key passive-aggressively mad at you. I'm Haystack, and we rip through a Morning 6-Pack of the top stuff you "should" do to prep for fall, served with sarcasm and zero shame. We roast a few classic moves: buying a pumpkin that starts rotting on your porch, hoarding way more Halloween candy than last year’s trick-or-treaters, and sticking a scarecrow in the yard you’ll jump at for three nights straight. The countdown is fast, dumb, and weirdly relatable — full of small chores and bigger excuses. I’m not spilling the number-one pick here (mystery preserves the drama), but we end on that all-too-familiar homeowner truth: you’ll say you’ll fix it this weekend.

Takeaways:

• I remind you fall means gutters, furnace checks, fresh filters, smoke-detector tests, and other boring but necessary home chores.
• We joke that our houses get passive-aggressive when fall hits, like a silent roommate judging your summer laziness.
• I confess to overbuying Halloween candy for 200 trick-or-treaters even though we only had eleven last year—classic me move.
• We spend cash on fancy chili ingredients and somehow end up with exact canned-chili vibes anyway, no culinary glory.
• I warn you—put a scarecrow in the yard and you'll forget it, then get hilariously startled three nights in a row.

Good morning.

It's haystack, and we're getting close to the autumnal equinox, right?

The official beginning of fall, which takes place, I believe it's September 22nd.

So we're just over a week away.

That means it's time for the kind of the annual American tradition of pretending that we're organized.

I mean, you hear the term spring cleaning all the time, but fall is coming and your house knows it.

And it's time for fall cleaning and maintenance.

The time of year where you're supposed to, you know, clean your gutters, check the furnace, replace air filters, test your smoke detectors each time you do the time change, seal drafty windows.

You know, before long you'll have to drain your garden hoses and prep your lawn.

And you need to clean the dryer vent and make sure your emergency flashlight still doesn't have batteries in it from the Bush administration.

Basically, fall is when your house kind of becomes a passive aggressive spouse.

Oh, you enjoyed summer.

That's cute.

The gutters are about to be full of leaves, the furnace smells like burnt dust, and something in the garage is technically alive.

Your house is so mad at you.

The equinox is a phrase that sounds mystical.

It's the exact balance of night and day.

It's a seasonal transition, ancient rhythms of the earth.

But for homeowners, it's congratulations.

It's time to fight leaves, spiders, mildew, and whatever is growing behind the grill.

The, the autumnal, the autumnal.

The autumnal equinox may mean that day and night are balanced, but your garage is still 90% emotional clutter.

But in addition to the things I've mentioned, here are a few more items that should be on your to do list when it comes to getting ready for the fall.

Well, gather round, folks.

It's the time of day when we laugh and smile in a light hearted way.

Tune in for the giggles and let's kick back.

Here comes the fun.

It's the morning six pack.

Here we go.

The top six things that should be on your get ready for fall list.

Coming in at number six, buy a pumpkin so it can start rotting on your porch.

Now.

Number five, buy enough Halloween candy for 200 trick or treaters even though you only had 11 last year.

Number four, spend $47 at the grocery store on ingredients for a chili that somehow tastes exactly like canned chili.

Number three, put a scarecrow in the yard.

Then spend the next three nights forgetting that it's there and being startled by it.

Oh, yeah, put that there.

Number two, spend an entire Saturday watching football while repeatedly announcing, I really need to get some stuff done today.

Not that I know that one.

And the number one thing that should be on your Get Ready for fall list Locate the leaf blower so you can move leaves from one part of your property to a slightly different part of your property that blows.