Rebuilding intimacy, God's way is the name of the game today! We're Jeff and Teresa Fields, and we’re super excited to dive into how couples can reignite that spark and feel more connected. Here's the scoop: intimacy doesn’t just vanish overnight; it sneaks away like that last slice of pizza at a party! Life gets busy, and sometimes we forget to check in with each other, leading to feelings of loneliness even when we’re together. But don’t fret—there’s good news! We’re sharing how to nurture your friendship and intimacy through daily habits and a sprinkle of divine guidance. So grab a cozy spot, maybe a snack, and let’s get into it! Let’s chat about intimacy, shall we? In this episode, we dive deep into the nitty-gritty of how intimacy can slip through the cracks in a marriage, even when you’re living under the same roof. Jeff and Teresa, our charming hosts, share their wisdom after 34 years of marriage. They kick things off with the revelation that feeling lonely in a marriage isn’t just about being physically apart—it’s about that emotional connection growing stale. Life gets busy, and suddenly you find yourself having shorter conversations, which leads to a sneaky distance creeping in. But don’t worry; intimacy can be rebuilt! They dive into daily habits that can rekindle that spark, like giving each other full attention (yes, put down that phone!), praying together, and sharing what excites or worries you. They emphasize that intimacy isn’t just about grand gestures but about those little daily moments that stitch your hearts together. By the end, they remind us that the secret sauce to a lasting marriage is selflessness and keeping Christ at the center. Now, who’s ready to get closer?

Takeaways:

• Intimacy in marriage doesn't vanish overnight; it fades gradually, so catch it early!
• Busy lives can mask emotional distance, making it crucial to stay connected intentionally.
• Daily habits, like asking how your spouse really feels, can deepen your emotional connection.
• Friendship is the bedrock of intimacy; prioritize it over grand romantic gestures.
• Expressing appreciation regularly can prevent feelings of unappreciation and nourish your relationship.
• Stay curious about your spouse as they grow; keep the conversation flowing to maintain closeness.

Please pick up a copy of from lonely to best friends again https://inspiringmarriages.aweb.page/transform-your-marriage-devotional

Rebuilding intimacy, God's Way welcome to the Inspire Marriages podcast.

We are Jeff and Teresa Fields.

We are so thrilled to have you join us today.

Our mission is to help Christian couples strengthen their friendship, grow spiritually together, and to experience the marriage God designed.

After 34 years of marriage, one thing we learned is that intimacy doesn't disappear all at once.

Most couples don't wake up one morning and suddenly feel disconnected.

That's right.

Distance usually happens Gradually.

We know life get busy, responsibilities increase, schedules could become incredibly crowded.

How does that happen?

Conversations become shorter and intentional connection gets replaced by routine.

And before long, two people who love each other begin feeling less connected and than they once did.

That's right.

And the good news is that intimacy can be rebuilt.

In fact, God's design for marriage includes emotional, spiritual and relational closeness that grows deeper over time.

Today we're talking about the teachings we did this week on YouTube at Inspired Marriages, where we talk about why loneliness can still exist in marriage, daily habits that create intimacy, and the biblical secret to staying close for a lifetime.

Let's begin segment number one, why you feel lonely even though you're married.

So one of the most painful experiences, Teresa, is in marriage is feeling lonely while living with someone you deeply love.

That's right.

So a lot of people assume you that loneliness only happens when you're physically alone.

Loneliness can happen when emotional connection begins to weaken.

That is so true.

Genesis 2:18 in the New King James version tells us, and the Lord said, it is not good that man be alone.

And we know the story where God caused all the animals to come before Adam and Adam.

And God was waiting to see what name Adam would name.

And Adam named every animal.

But after all the animals had passed, God was showing Adam that there was not a suitable help meet for him.

That's right.

So he would realize that.

So we know that God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took substance from his side, fashioned a woman, presented the woman to him, and Adam said, at last, bone of my bone and flesh in my flesh.

And he said, for this cause shall a man leave his mother and father, and shall be join to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

So God wasn't just merely creating, making Adam not lonely.

He wasn't trying to solve a loneliness problem.

He was creating companionship.

Teresa.

That's right.

And this kind of takes us back to square one.

Becoming a married person rather than single does not cure loneliness in itself.

So we have to know how to have companionship with our spouse.

God wants us to have companionship that's what Adam was missing.

And also partnership.

And another word for partnership is fellowship.

Yeah.

Yes.

Fellowship.

Friendship, connection.

Marriage was designed for a unique type of closeness.

There is no one in this world who's going to be as close to you and be connected to you as your spouse.

That's right.

Not your mother, not your father, not your baby girl, not your baby boy.

No.

Not your brother, not your sister.

Only your spouse has that special connection.

Exactly.

But a lot of couples, when they realize that they're no longer close, they wonder, how did this happen?

And the answer is really simple.

Exactly.

Busy doesn't mean the same thing as being connected.

No, it doesn't.

We can spend an enormous amount of our time today together physically.

But physical proximity is not the same thing as emotional connection, is it, Teresa?

No, it's not.

That's so true.

You can be together and not be connecting.

So you can be doing activities together, like watching tv, riding in the same car, managing different household responsibilities and making all kinds of decisions.

You can attend church together, you raise children together, and at least talk about how you're raising the children.

But that doesn't really guarantee that you're connected, does it, Jeff?

No connection requires intentional engagement.

That's right.

And one of the questions that we ask, occasionally ask each other is, how are you really doing?

Not how was your day or what did you do?

Or what you got planned tomorrow?

But how are you doing?

What's going on in your heart?

What has God been talking you about?

How can I help you?

That's right.

Those type of things open the door to a deeper conversation.

And husbands, guys, you know that one of your wife's basic needs is open and honest communication.

Yes.

Isn't that right, Teresa?

That's really huge for women.

It is, because that says, I love you.

I think more than a lot of other things.

Just having good conversation where you're really sharing thoughts, sharing experiences, talking about feelings or things that you're happy about, things you're sad about, things you're excited about in the future.

That just really becomes a deeper conversation than day to day.

Just talking about schedules and responsibilities.

And those things unresolved.

Hurts create distance.

Loneliness develops is because hurts go unaddressed.

Ephesians 4:26 tells us, do not let the sun go down on your wrath.

So small disappointments, they accumulate.

Small disappointment after small disappointment can become large walls.

They're like stones in a.

In a garden wall.

They can become large if they're ignored.

And over time, spouses will stop sharing because they don't want another argument.

It just worth the hassle.

It just isn't worth the heartache.

Isn't.

I don't like being filled be treated like my feelings don't matter.

I don't like being treated like a second class citizen.

I just, I'll just deal it with myself.

Theresa and it's a way to protect yourself, but it's harming the marriage relationship.

You might feel like I'm not having to deal with that pain over and over, but what you're suffering from then is a lack of communication, a lack of fellowship, like we talked about before, companionship.

You're closing off all these areas of your heart to your spouse and you're pulling away.

So like you said, it literally causes distance.

It might even cause physical distance.

You might start staying in different rooms just to watch TV or do an activity or spend time with your kids and it really starts driving a wedge in your relationship.

And it's a sign of that.

If your spouse spouse stops being vulnerable with you, that is a sign that they are avoiding conversation because they don't want another disappointment.

But the solution isn't avoiding each other not talking about it.

It's there is a solution.

And the solution is a healthy repair.

One of the strongest things throughout our ministry here at Inspiring Marriages is this friendship fuels intimacy.

Many couples focus on improving romance while neglecting their friendship.

But friendship has to be the foundation that supports every form of intimacy.

That's right.

Let me ask you this question.

How would you answer this?

What excites your spouse right now?

What in their life is exciting them?

What are they concerned about?

What are they praying for?

What dreams are on their heart?

Those questions help us stay connected to who our spouse is today.

Now, Teresa and I, we are not the same people we were 34 years ago.

No.

We have different ideas.

We have matured, grown from the word, reading the Bible.

We have just grown.

And how I think about life now is not how I think about life before.

The basics are the same.

So the basics, the character quality is still the basic of the truth of the Bible is still the same.

Oh, yes.

But how I'm applying it to my life is definitely changed.

Exactly.

You can't assume that your spouse is the same person they were when you marry them.

You need to know who they are today.

That's so good.

They may have totally different dreams now.

Totally different things that they are praying for and expecting the Lord to do in their life or in your married life.

And you haven't been talking about that.

You may have two different sets of expectations and not even know it.

Segment number two, Teresa.

Daily habits that create deep intimacy.

Yes.

So one of the biggest myths about intimacy, that it grows through the occasional grand gestures.

It's with just the grand gestures, but the truth.

Intimacy is really, truly built through small daily habits.

Theresa.

Oh, yes.

That's so good.

It's like getting to know your spouse or staying knowing someone for who they are day to day or year to year.

It's those small daily things that you do to connect to, to bless one another.

That is how you're staying close.

God works through ordinary moments.

Couples walking together, sitting together and sharing life daily together is how God works.

Now let's talk about just a few habits that will strengthen empathy.

Habit number one.

This is a great habit.

Give each other your full attention now.

Oh, yeah.

Especially if you're watching, if you're listening to this on your phone.

We live in distracted world.

Very distracted.

There is so much going on when we, Teresa and I are.

We're both in our 60s.

When we wanted to find out something, we had to go to the library and find a book.

We had to use the Dewey decimal system.

Oh, yeah.

To find a book and go to that section, that shelf that.

The row.

The shelf.

There was no computer.

You had a little piece of paper that told you where it was and you had to find it.

Exactly.

And.

But today I have my phone.

I can know what the weather is in Benji in 10 seconds.

It just.

I can find out the scores, real time.

I can find out the history of the biography of George Washington in just a few seconds.

So it's just crazy.

We have television, we have social media.

Our work can be a distraction.

We have notifications all the time.

Bing, ding, ding, ding.

Text message.

So distractions, these.

So these distractions constantly compete for attention.

That's right.

But one of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is focused attention.

That's right.

It is eye contact.

It is active listening and being present, not just being present physically, being present emotionally and intellectually.

That's so good.

That's a part of really active listening.

You're not looking somewhere else.

You're not listening for something else.

You're really tuning in to each other.

Your voices, your facial expressions, your eyes.

You might hold hands.

And this is something that, like you said, in such a distracted world, we lose a lot of that.

A lot of times parenting suffers from that.

Yeah.

Kids are not getting that connection.

And the same thing is causing difficulty in marriages.

People don't know how to connect anymore.

Well, that's so good.

Five minutes intentional time can create more connection than an hour spent disconnected.

Oh, my goodness, yes.

So it's going to take some discipline to put aside all those distracting things.

And like we've said many times before, you know, choose a time that works for both of you where the distractions will not be present.

You won't have to be tending to your kids or some other responsibility.

And you can at least just take five minutes a day and focus on each other.

Habit number two.

Pray together.

Ecclesia.

Together.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Prayer increases spiritual intimacy.

Yes.

Prayer soften hearts.

Prayer reminds couples they are fighting for each other, not against each other.

Oh, yes.

And we often tell people, prayer may feel awkward at first, and that's okay.

Start small.

Remember, you don't have to give the big Shakespearean soliloquy using Elizabethan English.

No, you don't have to do that.

Just talk to God like he's your best friend.

Exactly.

Pray simple prayers, because consistency matters more than perfection.

Pray for one another and talk about a common concern that you both have.

And pray together about that situation, whatever it is, and turn it over to the Lord.

You'll have peace that you haven't experienced before.

It's amazing.

Habit number three.

Express appreciation.

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth.

But what is good and necessary?

Edification.

This is Ephesians 4:29 in New King James.

Many spouses feel unappreciated.

Not because the spouse doesn't appreciate them, because the appreciation is rarely expressed.

That's right.

Is letter writing.

Who writes letters anymore?

We've lost that beautiful art of communication by writing letters, taking the time to handwrite a letter.

And the same thing with expressing appreciation verbally.

We just think, oh, they know I do things for them, they do things for me.

They know that I appreciate it.

Not really.

People still need to hear those words.

It doesn't hurt to say I appreciate you.

That's right.

It doesn't hurt to say, I thank you.

Doesn't hurt to say I noticed what you did.

It doesn't hurt to say, I'm grateful for you.

Oh, yes.

That's so beautiful.

To hear those words.

Oh, my nourishes intimacy.

It does.

It actually nourishes our souls, too.

And that's where a lot of the loneliness is developing is if our souls are just malnourished.

Not hearing these kind words, not feeling appreciated, not sensing closeness.

That's where that loneliness is creeping in.

So don't starve each other for encouragement and attention and appreciation.

Habit for laugh together.

Healthy marriages need joy.

You can come so focused on your schedules and your responsibilities that you can lose joy.

You can stop having fun.

Yes.

Laughter reconnects your hearts and your shared experiences.

Create memories, fun, strengthen friendships.

Do things that you enjoy doing together and makes you happy.

That's right.

Number five, we got to check in emotionally.

You need to ask each other the questions.

What has been on your mind lately?

How can I pray for you?

What's something you're excited about?

These questions and conversations just open up the door to a deeper connection, doesn't it, Teresa?

Yes.

When I think about questions like this, the five minute conversation may not be enough.

So that's great.

You can say I can't answer all of that right now, but let's talk about that tonight.

Let's take some more time and really talk about these things and write down some prayer things to pray about and maybe even read some scriptures together so that you can have things in front of your eyes that will encourage you in these areas for one another.

It gives you a roadmap of how to start helping each other in these areas.

Theresa let's talk about the biblical secret to staying close for a lifetime.

So people ask us all the time, what's your secret?

How can you guys still be so close after 34 years?

And we don't have any magic words.

No, we don't have a magic formula.

But there is a biblical principle, really that is true and continue strengthens marriage.

Ephesians 5:21.

Submitting to one another in the fear of God.

Yeah.

So the world's going to teach you self fulfillment.

Oh yes.

The world's going to teach you go out and grab all the ghost gust codes you can get.

The world's going to tell you look out for number one.

But God teaches a self giving love.

God teaches listness, selflessness.

That's right.

And we got to know that love is a daily choice.

First Corinthians 13, the love chapter.

If reading King James, it's going to tell you charity, but that's really love.

And it's a love agape love.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Love not, does not seek its own.

Love is not simply a feeling.

Love is expressed through daily choices.

We made that choice then.

So we don't.

I don't have to.

I don't.

We don't depend on our feelings of that day.

I love Teresa.

I choose to love her.

I will love her every day of my life.

I choose to love her.

And love is expressed through daily choices.

It certainly is.

You can see it when your spouse loves you and they want to serve you.

They're just thinking about how to bless you.

And they might even surprise you sometimes.

Wow.

You didn't have to do that for me.

Yeah, I want to do this because I love you.

And it's.

That makes marriage so rich, so sweet.

So we know that intimacy thrives when selfishness dies.

One of the greatest threats to intimacy is self centeredness.

Sure is.

Yes.

Healthy managers, healthy marriages continually ask, how can I serve my spouse?

What can I do for my spouse?

Instead of what am I going to get out of this deal?

If I do this for you, then you need to do this for me.

That's not what marriage is about.

Serving one another strengthens connection.

That's right.

And if more and more about your spouse, you'll see ways that you can serve them.

And it's always good to ask the Lord if you don't have an idea of how you can serve them.

But I think as you get to know them, you know what they like, you know what they don't like.

When they want to do certain things or not do certain things, then you can step in and just do things for them that they didn't ask you to do.

And help them in ways that you can see that they need help.

And to be kind.

Not to say I'm taking over, just to be kind and be supportive of one another.

Yes.

Stay curious about each other.

Like we said, people continue to grow throughout their lives.

They change, they mature.

And your the spouse that you married.

They're still growing, they're still learning, they're still changing.

So continue to ask questions.

Continue learning about your spouse.

I remember when Dr. Savelle would share stories about how he would study Ms. Carolyn when they were at it, going through a store, he saw her just pause and look something.

He took notice of that and he would go back later and buy that for her and give her to her as a gift because he was studying his spouse, he was learning what she liked.

So continue learning about your spouse.

Continue pursuing friendship with your spouse.

That's right.

Keep doing things that are fun for both of you.

And we have to keep Christ at the center of our relationship.

Amen.

The closer both spouses grow towards Christ.

The closer they often grow towards each other.

Not that often.

The closer that you grow towards Christ, the closer you will grow to each other.

Colossians 3:14 tells.

But above all these things, put on love.

Christ centered marriages have a foundation strong enough to weather life.

Seasons.

And we know that there are seasons and storms, there are difficulties, there are smooth roads and there's dirt roads and we travel on, on this life together.

And sometimes the road does get rough and the sea does toss us to and fro.

But we know someone who taught us how to calm the storms.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And you learn to stick together through the difficult things, through the times when you don't know exactly what to do or how things are going to work out.

You learn to cling to the Lord and cling to each other.

That's that friendship, that's that selflessness, that's that having Christ in the center.

He'll help you stay close.

Jeff said if you're both pursuing Christ, he will draw you closer together, especially during tests and trials.

Times that are difficult, unexpected things that come up that you may not have realized could happen, a sickness or something happening in fine that those are things where you need the Lord to be strong in your midst and he'll help you get through it together, together and.

Never stop pursuing each other.

You remember how it was when you were dating.

You remember the hours you spent talking, things you plan in time together, you did things on purpose together, you talked and talked and you did things that were fun.

So you pursued each other passionately before marriage.

That's right.

Then life happened, responsibilities increase and your pursuit has slowed down.

Strong marriages continue pursuing you continue dating, continue encouraging you continue listening, you continue dreaming together and you continue building friendship.

The day you get married, you don't just sit down, go, that's over.

Now I don't have to.

I don't have to do all that stuff anymore.

I'm glad I don't have to be nice anymore.

I'm glad I don't have to put up a nice.

Be nice.

I can just be myself now.

No, you don't do that.

It's almost ridiculous when you have a baby and you bring the baby home and say, well, that's my work's done, that's it.

We had the baby and just put it in nursery.

We done.

We did our part.

No, your job is just beginning.

Exactly.

So when you're married, you come home.

Now a lot of marriage, a lot of marriages do really well through the honeymoon.

When you come home from the honeymoon that's when the work begins.

Yes, that's when the work begins.

And you really work with each other and towards each other, helping each other, and you just.

And just.

It's.

And I say work is joyful.

Yeah.

You're building your life together, and that doesn't come from just the romance or just the wedding or the honeymoon.

Building a life together takes a.

All these things.

We're talking about getting to know each other and continuing that pursuit of.

You're the most important person in my life.

Even when children come along, your spouse still needs to be the most important person in your life.

Exactly.

You don't just assume they know that.

They know they're my number one.

That's harder and harder to tell if it's not being expressed, if you're not making time for one another and doing those special things like Jeff said you did before you were married.

And it's actually better when you're married because now it's.

This person really knows me now.

They don't just know me in the dating scenario or in the friendship scenario.

Now they're really getting to know me, my ups and downs and some things that are not so great, and they still love me passionately.

That's awesome.

That is very awesome.

We have a final challenge for you, so sometime this week, look over to your spouse and ask, what helps you feel close to me?

Then listen carefully.

Don't try to defend yourself.

Don't try to come up with excuses.

Don't try to explain yourself.

Simply understand.

Simply listen.

Simply understand.

Because intimacy grows when understanding grows, friendship grows, or intentionality grows.

That's right.

Healthy marriages are rarely built through one dramatic moment.

That built through thousands and thousands of small moments of love, kindness, attention, and connection.

Teresa, that's so good.

Yes, that is so true.

Your daily life needs to be full of these small moments.

If it's a text, if it's a note, if it's just saying, I'm thinking of you or I'm praying for you today, just all of those little things mean so much when they're happening on a regular basis.

That's right.

And we want to thank you for joining us today, listening to this podcast.

If this podcast encouraged you, please share it with another couple who could benefit from it.

And don't forget about our free download from Lonely to Best Friends.

Again, there'll be a link in the description and there's.

You should go to our website at.

@&T.net and you can find our free devotional until next time.

Remember, don't God designed husband and wife.

To be friends for life.