As humans, we are hardwired for connection. With this basic need for connection, subconsciously, we can become emotional sponges, where we absorb and take on other people’s stuff, energetically and emotionally. We start to identify their problems as ours and this is why we want to introduce the concept of setting energetic boundaries, to help ask the question, “Is this mine to carry?”

Listen in as Jen and Jane personally connect with how they have taken on the unnecessary burden of processing their loved ones' stuff for them and how it isn't serving anyone. They discuss what it looks and feels like to have a Saviour complex with your friends and family and how you can get into the habit of always trying to fix things for other people. When we do this we are actually blocking others from learning how to fix or process their own stuff. 

When we take on our own stuff and others, emotions can get trapped in the body, which turns into dis-ease and chronic pain. Jen and Jane explain what an emotional release is and how to implement it into your life when things are starting to get overwhelming. 

When we are able to decipher what is our shit and what is others' shit, we can begin to heal and allow the other to do their own work. It also takes a huge weight off our shoulders.

Additional Resources/Reading:

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
• When the Body Says No by Dr. Gabor Mate
• Permission to Feel by Dr. Mark Brackett
• The Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown

Questions for further guidance: 

• When you are feeling an emotion. Stop and reflect, is this REALLY mine? 

Disclaimer:

On the No Halos Here Podcast, we explore a wide range of topics broadly categorized as well-being. We encourage you to do your own research and make informed choices about your health and wellbeing. The information we provide is never a substitute for qualified advice specific to your individual needs. In listening, you take full responsibility for implementing any suggestions shared on the podcast and you agree to indemnify us completely against all consequences arising directly or indirectly from your choices.

About Jen and Jane

Jen Lang

Jen believes in the power and wisdom of women’s voices. She’s a guide for women who want to tune into and align their inner voice so their outer voice can shine; uniting physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energies into a powerful voice ready to share your message.

Jane Stark

Passionate about energetic alignment and living life from a place of personal power, Jane is a heart-centered leader, certified health and life coach, and marketing strategist.  She leads others to play bigger and feel lighter by helping them see and navigate their blocks and connect more deeply with themselves.

Continue the conversation:

Instagram: www.instagram.com/wearejenandjane 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/WeareJenandJane 

Community: Get the Empowerment Playbook (and access our Community Calls) here: https://www.wearejenandjane.com/playbook 

Thanks for listening!

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This is no halos here hosted by Jen Lang and Jane

Stark, the place to inspire a change in your consciousness to

elevate the world. We're to heart centered business owners

nourishing our inner rebels while growing our respective

businesses.

No halos here is the result of bringing together an

opera singer turn spiritual mentor and a marketing

professional turned well being coached to meditate daily.

Together, we unite physical, mental, emotional and spiritual

energies into a powerful presence to lead, heal and

inspire. We love exploring the shadowed edges of life, the

universe and beyond through honest and thought provoking

conversations. Let's dive in.

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of no

halos here with Jen Lang and Jane Stark. Sharing one

microphone. Hello. Hi. So this is our first episode of the new

year for 2022. And I just happen to be visiting the area where

Jane lives. So we are recording this in her home studio, which

is kind of exciting

and fun. That's kind of cool. It's only the second

time we've ever done this. Yeah. So

we're usually looking each other on screens. And so

it's kind of funny to be like, looking at each other beside

each other on screens. Yeah. Yeah, it's all good. So today,

we wanted to get into this topic of owning your shed more deeply.

And we wanted to look at the aspect of owning your shit, not

everyone else's. And we've been talking about this for a while.

And you might be asking yourself, How is this possible?

Why am I in my own sovereign being I when you're talking

about owning other people's stuff on other people's shit?

Well, I don't know, after the holidays, you might be feeling a

little bit of fatigue, fatigued little bit people, though, yeah,

people doubt and maybe indulged in too much food or drink, which

happens to many activities. But the aspect of this we want to

talk about is actually the people you spent time with, can

also affect how you feel after the holidays. So

yeah, yeah. And I think what we're talking about

here specifically to is, is the energetics. And the stuff. It's

like the subconscious. So if we're talking, we're talking,

and we're talking boundaries. So there's, there's boundaries,

where we can speak out our boundaries, we have our

boundaries, but there's also emotional and energetic

boundaries that aren't talked about so much. But is definitely

been something that I think Jen and I have both been really

working on through this past year, over the past couple of

years. But I know for myself, really taking a deep dive into

what this looks like in my life over the past year. And so that

was what we were we wanted to take our discussion today,

introducing you if this is a new concept to you, or maybe going a

little bit deeper on this idea of energy and energetic

boundaries and emotions and how we typically, especially highly

sensitive people, and empaths. But I would kind of argue that

we all are this way, we tend to be emotional sponges. And so,

you know, we we will subconsciously because we are

we're human beings bred for connection, we will connect

energetically and emotionally with those people that we are

with. And oftentimes we can be taking on the emotions and the

feelings of others. And we don't realize it and so we identify

those emotions as our own. And this is a really important

distinction that we wanted to bring here and that we want to

start to unpack around how do we start? Have bringing more

awareness to what is our own stuff? And what is not our own

stuff? We're chuckling because my daughter's in the other room

supposed to be quiet. So if you hear banging around better, real

life,

real life Blewitt yes, good punctuation for the topic,

I think. Right? Yes. So what is yours and what is not? And it

might be that the feelings, like Jane said, the feelings you're

experiencing, you may fully identify as your own you may

believe and take them on as your own. But how do you start to

discern and know really what's yours and what's not. So we're

going to walk through some processes with you. Basically,

Jane and I both, like Jane said, we've been both been working on

it. But I think about late mid November, we started to unpack a

really big piece of it, where there were these I'm not maybe

unspoken agreements or unconscious agreements for us to

process emotions for our loved ones. And I basically tracked

mine back to my childhood where I had this role in my family to

help others process their emotions. I took them on as mine

and now it's my now with that distinction. I'm able to go

that's not my I can return that to sender or I can let that fall

away from me, so that I only have to manage my emotions and

my feelings. And boy, since I've done that, I My life has felt so

much lighter in so many ways. I felt almost like I've lost

physical weight, but it's been energetic weight has been

dropped. And I've had more space and energy to think about and

focus on other things, which is a really nice refreshing feeling

actually know what it was like for you?

Yeah, definitely. It definitely. For me, it same

thing, it felt lighter, there was more space. But also, it

made me really step more into and realize truly who I am. I

think mine, mine was born out of fight, I look back and I know

that for me, a lot of it is around. I've never been one

likes confrontation. people pleasing. Yeah. And things like

that, like learned behaviors that for whatever reason,

wherever I picked them up, those were the behaviors that I

learned. And so then it started to become, though that if I just

processed everything for everyone, or just take that on,

then I think that I'm helping or I'm doing, you know, I'm doing

something, you know, to be liked or things like that. And so

that's kind of where it came from. The other piece for me, I

think is what I've realized is I definitely had something called

the savior complex, or the rescuer archetype. And that idea

that I can fix everything. And if I just take it on, I can fix

it. And so again, a lot of this was subconscious, I didn't

really realize I was doing it consciously. But as Jen said,

back in November, when we both kind of had this awareness in

our own, in each of our own situations, mine was really

around this idea that like Holy smokes, I have been in the

savior complex for my family, and friends, more so family,

actually, let's, let's retract that for my family. But I have

seen where I've tried to play it out in friendships. But you

know, where all of a sudden, I'm taking on emotions, and I'm

trying to fix things, quote, unquote, that maybe aren't

really mine to fix. And in doing that, I'm also I'm not serving

myself, because I'm actually exhausting myself and making

myself sick, but I'm also not serving them, because it doesn't

then give them the opportunity to go in and do their own

healing work and, and work through what they need to work

through. And so that was sort of a big realization for me.

So I totally agree, because I was living some of

that as well. And the way someone asked me recently about

how that shows up in sort of practical ways in our day to day

lives. And I think Jane and I both came to the realization

that we were doing all this healing work, when we were

doing, you know, going to see practitioners, or diving deeper

on certain topics. And it felt like Groundhog Day. Yeah. I

said to Jen, I had this realization of like, I am

addicted to healing. Like, I am addicted to doing the healing

work. And it's because I was perpetually in this cycle of

just, oh, okay, so something's showing up again. Oh, I better

go. Like, I'll take that on. And I'll go fix it. Because there

is, yeah, there is a very nuanced me, I don't know if

that's the right word. But there is a thing within our space in

the coaching healing self help world, where it's like, this

message of own your shit is strong. But it for me, I kind of

misconstrued it to like, you know, oh, well, if you do when

you do your own healing, it heals everyone around you. So I

bought that as Oh, okay, well, then I'll just keep every time

something came up. Rather than really looking at what part of

this is mine. And what part of this is not mine, I would just

take it on and be like, Okay, I got this, I'll take this to

therapy. I'll take this to my Hypnotherapist. I'll take this

here. And I would go in counseling. Yeah, I would go and

take it, take the whole thing, and try and heal it when really,

there's only a piece of it that I really should have been taking

to those places. And so it became this addiction is what I

felt like. And it was a real like,

whoa, well, the other the flip side of that is us

taking on that something's wrong with us.

And that's exactly how I would sit in these things.

It was like, Oh, I'm broken again. Oh, this must be me.

It's my fault. Yeah. And that's so that's the flip

side. So if you catch yourself in this narrative or this

dialogue with yourself going, Oh, something wrong with me or,

like again, the more sort of uglier side of that would be a

form of gaslighting where those around you are like, what's

wrong with you? It's your fault. Why do you Why are you this way?

Rather than

you know, again, owning so it's really true.

about them owning their part and things and you owning your part,

and you being able to recognize what is yours, and what is not

yours to take on. And I mean, the gaslighting conversation is

a big one. It's really that sort of a more specific topic. But

definitely it shows up in that. And I think you know what you

were saying we to go back, I kind of detract us a little bit,

but how this might show up in people's lives? Like, how can

you recognize you're doing this? So one was you said, sort of

like Groundhog Day. And it's like, that was sort of what was

happening. For me, it was like, I have spent years and years and

years, you know, doing my work and healing. And yes, I've grown

in this, I've changed. And yes, lots of things have shifted. But

the same little patterns kept showing up. It's all the time,

it's a repeating pattern. Sometimes this might

show up for you physiologically. So for example, I've had issues

with my gallbladder for years, and I'm not talking major issues

is just talking like discomfort, and twinging being careful, like

what I ate and how much and when, like standard. I was like,

oh, you know, I'm in my 40s now and like, maybe it's just this

is what comes with the territory hormone or maybe not. And so as

soon as I had released this pattern around, started to undo

this pattern around clearing emotion for loved ones, my

gallbladder twinges disappeared. And I was like, wow, how long

have I been doing this unconsciously? So I'm not saying

it's like, I'm not saying your you, as a listener are going to

specifically have something to do with your gallbladder. But

maybe you will, because it is a place of holding on to

bitterness and resentment. So what if that bitterness and

resentment isn't actually yours to clear, but it's showing up in

you?

Because you're actually holding on to it? It is

your it is needed to be released? Right? We know. I

mean, again, it's proven that stored emotions turn into dis

ease and chronic pain in the body. Like, and so if we look at

this, and if we're storing if we're and so that kind of shows

up in unprocessed emotions and moving those through and there's

a couple of great resources, gamma taze when the body says no

is one. And I never say his name, right. But the body keeps

score. We'll put the link in our show notes. Then I can't

remember his name. He Bestival.

Yeah. Oh Bessel Vander Kolk, thank

you are two great resources on this concept of how

the body and emotion how the body stores emotions. But this

is a big piece of what we're talking about, right? So we know

that stored emotions can often turn into chronic pain and

chronic illness. So that's another that's another hint in

terms of where this may be showing up if you have some of

those types of things. Again, this isn't like a panacea, like,

you know, here's your solution. But these are all the pieces,

this is another piece of that puzzle to start looking at. And

so that so those are kind of the ways that it might show up in

your life. And looking at how then how do we deal with this?

How do we what do we, you know, what's our

so well, there's some tools around you know, emotional

release, sometimes that might actually just might just be

movement. So if you're feeling frustrated and angry, and

exercises an outlet for you, then definitely exercise yoga,

cardiovascular exercise, you have a rebounder, I prefer to do

stretching, I did karate for years, I figured that, honestly,

karate has really helped me manage my anger and like fury

and frustration because it's, it might sound violent, but it's

actually a non violent way to release pent up emotion and move

it through the body. So those exercises are wonderful ways to

move those emotions, the emotional, other other emotional

release tools.

Some of them are a little bit more you need to kind

of like be coached through them. Yeah. But I think the first

piece is even just starting to like tap into your intuition and

start to notice you know, when you're feeling an emotion, see

if you can kind of move outside of that emotion a little bit and

become the observer and ask like literally stop and ask the

question in your head or out loud if you'd like but is this

mine and see what comes through yes or no you'll start to the

more you do it, the more you'll start to like notice that your

intuition will give you that answer. And sorry, I was just

gonna say that you know when you get that you know getting that

intuitive hit and if it's not yours again it's like sometimes

it's as simple as setting that intention to okay just released

this from my body and just be like hey body like let's let

this go.

Oh other practical ways of just along that

especially with emotions, because water is an element

associated closely with emotions. So having a hot bath

or having a shower. Actually, someone I client I spoke to the

other day said that their psychologist told them to every

time they had a shower, imagine the water washing away the

emotions feelings both of the day and anything that's not

yours. So first, the physical Hi And then you have emotional and

mental hygiene.

And that, I think, is what we're talking about

today, right? This is the piece where like emotional and mental

hygiene, we don't do it and don't ever taught it. It's never

taught, it's not talked about. And it's such an important piece

of life, because that resentment

that you may harbor known or unconscious or

unconscious, whatever's happened, that resentment you're

going to hang on to is going to result in some form of disease

that you will take to a traditional practitioner, maybe

your medical doctor, your allopathic doctor, and they'll

run you through all these tests. But rarely, if ever, will you

get a practitioner who will ask, what are the emotions that

you're hanging on to you that you think might be contributing

to this condition? And that's a big question to ask yourself, if

you find yourself with digestive upsets, that's a big one. And

sometimes those are linked to anxiety. And there's, again,

it's a rabbit hole, right? Work with someone work with a coach,

a professional, a naturopathic doctor, you'll have you don't

just need one doctor, you need a team of people who are there to

support you, and to can provide different perspectives on

helping you unpack this another practical tool that we created

his the empowerment playbook, which walks you through a

process to discern whether those emotions and feelings like

what's bothering you in your life? And how can you unpack

that and we give you creative tools to move that through.

We also tie into that we just recently launched

our 321 countdown offer, right, which is all about this, it's

all about looking at, you know, those kind of twofold, it's

about taking all of the information that's out there,

and you know, the information overload that we're in and

helping you unpack that and turn information into transformation.

But the crux of that is, and a huge part of that is, before you

do that, again, you have to we have to be able to identify what

is our own to transform, and what is not ours to actually

transform or do anything with and to just let it go. And I

think another sort of point on this that I just wanted to make

is that we're not just talking this isn't, this isn't just

like, Oh, you got in a big argument with no, you know, your

partner or without your parent or family member or something

like that. And it's like big emotions. This is this is like

Jen said, kind of like hygiene, this is stuff that if you start

to bring this into your practice, daily, ideally, you

it's amazing how much better you'll notice you feel a little

thing, like it's just shifting some of this stuff out. And

rather than keeping it in, because when we when we don't

process this stuff, that is when we have it turns into anxiety

and and then sometimes it turns into something worse, but so it

can just be from being out in the world. It's like our world

is busy, it's chaotic, you know, work for many of us is extremely

busy. And we don't even realize it again, we're emotional

sponges. So we're just soaking up everybody's all spectrums of

the of emotion, right? It's not just

in the grocery store, the exactly the Christmas

shopping you may have done, or the sales after the holidays,

were in, like, it's like, think of this big emotional soup,

you're going to the mall to do the post holiday shopping, and

all of a sudden you're mixing physically with people, but

you're also mixing emotionally, there could

be grief, there could be joy, there could be

anger, there's like every emotion we can think of right.

And so if our tip to you is just starting to pay attention to

this and look at this at a micro level. Like that. And then if

you know, then working with a coach and being able to go

deeper. So again, something like our 321 countdown offer, which

is three sessions, where we kind of dive into this with you,

three sessions with Jen and I, you know, can help really help

to differentiate because it can be hard in the beginning to

really, truly be able to identify what is yours and

what's not, it's not, it's not just super obvious all the time,

like I say, starting to pull into your intuition is helpful.

But really, I mean, I've been doing this work for a long time.

And you know, just a month ago had this massive realization

that I was carrying around some really big stuff that wasn't

mine. And I had no idea I had completely identified it as my

own, you know, continued healing journey to do. And so to be able

to just put that down.

I think it's a lot more common than we think and

like yeah, really, what we are talking about here today is

probably the tip of the iceberg. And when we start to take

responsibility for what's ours and send back to the others

what's theirs, then we will all be better ahead because the

faster you can come into alignment for yourself, the

faster you will get to where you need to be to have a healthy

aligned and abundant life

and if we're constantly taking on everyone

else's stuff, a we're not getting ahead because like you

say we're not in alignment. Be we're not even then giving

people the opportunity to to go and do that work for themselves

because you're trying to fix it. You're taking it on So yeah, we

are just I think you're right, we are just scratching the tip

of the iceberg. But, you know, I, it's, uh, we feel that this

is a really big important conversation to start having.

And, you know, Jen and I have really started talking about

owning your shit. And that's kind of becoming our tagline and

our slogan, and we're all about that personal responsibility

piece. But the reason we wanted to bring this episode to you

today was because I think the second piece of that, that not

everyone else's, is equally as important. Yeah. And that's, you

know, the, the conversation we wanted to bring here and being a

new year, the beginning of the year. And as Jen said, In the

beginning, you know, we're coming off holidays, where we

may have been, you know, the little people though, seeing

more people than we normally would. Now is a time to really

sit and look and reflect on like, how am I feeling after all

of this? And what have I picked up? And

is it yours? Yeah. So use that, that that yes. No

muscle? Is it yours or not? That's a muscle that you have to

just basically exercise to practice. Yeah. And it's not

always going to be clear. And you have to be really okay. And

accepting with that not being clear. So that being said, go

give it a try. Just right after you listen to this podcast, tune

into how am I feeling right now? And is it mine? Is that try and

identify that emotion? The other book we can point them towards?

Is the mark Brackett book.

Oh, yeah. No, got a trickier one. Is it feelings?

It's got permission to feel. But give yourself

permission to feel the emotion. Then ask Is it yours?

Yes. And I have not read it yet. But there's a

fourth book that I do have on my Christmas list is Brene Brown's

new book Atlas of the heart. Yeah, I have not read it. But

like I say, Follow McBurney and follow her work. And this one

from what I understand is all about the you know, emotional

intelligence and emotional language and letting us

understand or helping us to understand which I think is the

other key part of this, we're gonna wrap it I just want to say

that I think this is the other piece and and Mark brackets

book, permission to feel is all about this, that we don't

actually have the language for emotions. Most people will say,

I'm happy, I'm mad, I'm sad. But so as we continue to, like

expand our dialect around that and start to get the words in

the language to describe truly how we're feeling, that is also

a big piece of this and will help you open up so yeah,

definitely check out those four resources that we will put in

the show notes to them Rene's book and Mark brackets around

emotional IQ. And then Gabor Ma Tei and

Bessel Vander Thank you.

Their books are when the body says no, and the body

keeps score. And that will kind of give you that connection from

the health perspective and potentially if you are

struggling with some chronic pieces, what the connection

could be there from an energetic and emotional perspective.

So awesome. Have fun with that. Exactly. Welcome to

the new year starting from practicing a new skill and

practicing something that will make your life lighter, brighter

and easier in the long run. It might feel a bit confusing at

first, we're always here if you have questions you can certainly

reach out to us at Hello at we are Jen and jane.com That's

sometimes just a really easy like, Hey, I listen to this

episode. Question just send us a send us an email.

I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to hear from

you. We really want to keep this conversation conversation going.

So on that note,

have an awesome awesome day, night afternoon

wherever you are in this world and we will catch you next week

on

bye for now, I thanks for joining us for these

conscious combos. If you're ready to dive deeper, head on

over to Dr Jenn and jane.com to continue the conversation. If

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