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How ADHD Adults Can Stop Waiting and Take Action with the Power of Self-Permission
Episode 6 • 18th November 2024 • ADHD Powerful Possibilities: New and Late Diagnosis & Beyond • ADHD Coach Katherine Sanders
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ADHD Coach Katherine Sanders

Feeling stuck? Are you actually waiting for permission to make a change?

You’re not alone—and this episode is here to shift that.

In this empowering conversation, we explore the transformative power of self-permission and why it’s often the missing piece for adults with ADHD.

Learn how to break free from the external validation trap, the importance of autonomy in making meaningful changes, and practical tools you can start using today to reclaim control of your decisions.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re waiting for a green light that never comes, this episode offers the mindset shifts and strategies to help you move forward.

Episode Highlights:

- What self-permission means and why it’s crucial for ADHD adults

- How external validation traps keep you stuck (and how to break free)

- The surprising link between self-permission and lasting motivation

- Practical tools like “permission slips” to help you get started

- Why rest and failure are essential parts of growth

Common Questions:

- What does “self-permission” really mean?

- How do I stop waiting for external validation?

- How can I give myself permission to rest or fail?

- What practical strategies can I use to build self-permission into my life?


Notable Quotes:

  • Nobody else is coming to give you permission. That green light? It has to come from you.
  • Self-permission is about autonomy, acceptance, and action.
  • Failure isn’t the opposite of success; it’s how we get there.

Full transcript available on my website.

Connect with Katherine here:


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Threads 


Download your free Permission Slips Template: Get it here

- Learn more about my upcoming Permission Ignition Course

- Visit my website for coaching, resources, and more: lightbulbadhd.com

- Follow me on Instagram for tips and updates: @adhd_coach_katherine



Champ, R., Adamou, M., & Tolchard, B. (2022). "Seeking Connection, Autonomy, and Emotional Feedback: A Self-Determination Theory of Self-Regulation in Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder." Psychological Review, 130. DOI: 10.1037/rev0000398

Dekkers, T. et al. (2016). Risky decision making in Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: A meta-regression analysis; Clin Psychol Rev  2016 Apr:45:1-16. doi: 10.1016/j.cpr.2016.03.001.Epub 2016 Mar 4. DOI: 10.1016/j.cpr.2016.03.001

Knouse L  and Mitchell J.T, Incautiously Optimistic: Positively-Valenced Cognitive Avoidance in Adult ADHD; Cogn Behav Pract. 2015 May ; 22(2): 192–202. doi:10.1016/j.cbpra.2014.06.003.

Morsink S et al, Studying Motivation in ADHD: The Role of Internal Motives and the Relevance of Self Determination Theory;  Journal of attention Disorders, 2022 Jun;26(8):1139-1158. doi: 10.1177/10870547211050948.Epub 2021 Nov 19.

Sprich SE, Knouse LE, Cooper-Vince C, Burbridge J, Safren SA. Description and Demonstration of CBT for ADHD in Adults. Cogn Behav Pract. 2012 Feb 1;17(1):10.1016/j.cbpra.2009.09.002. doi: 10.1016/j.cbpra.2009.09.002. PMID: 24379644; PMCID: PMC3874265.

Transcripts

Katherine:

Hey there, my friend it's ADHD, powerful

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possibilities with coach Katherine.

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And this week we are looking

at another game changing shift.

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And how we think.

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And yes, there's practical tools.

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So make sure you stay to the end to

get all of the details for those.

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This is a natural follow on from the

episode we just had about the amygdala.

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motivation and also the one about

productivity if you have time make

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some notes about what comes up for

you during this episode, because I

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feel like this is one that's going to

give you genuine light bulb moments.

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The topic for this week

is self permission.

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So what is self permission?

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It's the act of giving

yourself a go ahead.

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The green light.

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The freedom.

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If you like.

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For many of us with ADHD, but for a lot of

adults, There's this ingrained struggle.

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Which has built on external

expectations and social conditioning.

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Some of us, I'm holding my hand up here.

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I feel like if we're not struggling,

if things aren't difficult.

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We're must not be trying hard enough.

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And the other reason that permission

can be challenging for us.

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It's because those of us who were

brought up to be good girls and boys.

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We were taught that permission

comes from somebody else.

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And certainly through

schoolingthrough different types

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of education and social models?

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We constantly look to other

people for permission.

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For our behavior.

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Um, that's why self

permission is truly magical.

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Because it's about you reclaiming that

power to give yourself permission.

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It either sounds really simple or way too

complicated right now, but stick with me.

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When we give ourselves permission.

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We allow ourselves to live

in line with our values.

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And lane with those things

that are truly who we are.

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And what matters to us.

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I want to share a brief

anonymous story about.

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A few clients have kind of

rolled them into one person here.

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But they were really struggling at work.

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They feel completely stuck,

completely unmotivated.

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Really struggled.

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Everything from getting into work

in the morning to finishing work

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on time, completing their projects.

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And this just felt rubbish.

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They felt they needed external permission.

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Or validation.

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To make changes before they

could do something about it.

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So over the course of our

sessions, we worked on things like.

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Acknowledging their own needs.

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Rather than waiting for

somebody else to say.

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You look a bit tired or,

you know, all those things.

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We wait for other people to notice.

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while, inside, we are struggling on, but

we're not prepared very often to say.

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Actually I'm really tired.

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I know it's 9:00 PM.

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I'm going to bed.

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Things like that really practical things.

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One of my jobs as a coach is to hold up a.

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And the loving, or at least

positively neutral mirror.

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To what you're experiencing.

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And it allows my clients to

see themselves more clearly.

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And also more positively.

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For this particular group of clients.

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Self permission is the thing that

starts the process of change.

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Because it allows us to move

from where we're feeling stuck.

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With maybe so about change for awhile.

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But we're waiting for permission.

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That permission is never going

to come from anybody else.

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There's no big green light.

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That's going to come on.

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Although some of us might think, oh,

well the universe gave us a sign.

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Maybe it did.

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Actually, maybe you gave

yourself permission to see it.

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And I know that it's something

I have done very often and I

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still catch myself doing as well.

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Waiting for external approval before I

make a change or before I start things.

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Because this is part of what I

call the external validation trap.

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And I'm going to bring

in some research studies.

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But I am going to explain them in

a way that I hope will make sense.

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No.

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I'm not the only person

who waits for some kind of.

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outer signal some external

validation, from elsewhere.

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Before.

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I started a new project

before I take a break.

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But when we're in the external

validation trap, It stops us.

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It stops us from making choices

that align with what we really need.

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And what we value and want.

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From the things that are

going to make our lives.

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Really amazing.

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And there's a kind of stuckness

that can come with this behavior.

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It feels like we're in a cycle where we're

always waiting for somebody else to see.

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Yes, of course you're tired.

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Of course you can take it easy today.

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Take the day off or get this

done and then have arrest.

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Spoiler alert.

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Nobody else is going to

come and do that for you.

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There was a study in

:

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And it's amazing because it confirms

exactly what so many of my clients

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say and what I've experienced.

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Which is it?

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ADHD brains, look for connection.

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Autonomy.

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And emotional feedback.

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And yet we're often stuck

in this loop, in this cycle.

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Of trying to meet external expectations.

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And because we're so busy

trying to meet those external.

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Demands.

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That affects how we can regulate ourself.

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This idea that we need

connection and autonomy.

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Is really, really.

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Important, when it comes to thinking

about who you want to meet changes

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in your life, because most people

with ADHD want to make some changes.

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And yet we hold back from doing

what we know would work from us.

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Because we're waiting

for somebody else to say.

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Okay, go ahead.

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Here's your permission slip.

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And the other aspect about

giving yourself permission.

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That people sometimes worry about is if

I give myself permission to do things.

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I'll just lie on the sofa all day.

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I'm never going to do anything.

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If I give myself

permission, I will be lazy.

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So I can't do that.

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That isn't going to happen

because you will get bored.

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Or maybe you just need to proper

rest and you're a bit burnt out.

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No.

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Here is something really important.

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Sometimes.

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When we give ourselves permission

and we think we're being positive

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and working in a way that suits us.

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It can actually be holding us back.

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And this is called positively

valenced, cognitive avoidance.

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Which means we think it's a positive

thing, but actually we are just

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putting things off and avoiding them.

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So we use.

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Overly optimistic, thoughtst and

beliefs about ourself and our capacity.

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As a way to.

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Escape, the uncomfortable emotions.

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Or the reality of a challenging situation.

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We say what I work best under pressure.

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Things like I'll just wait

till I feel in the right mood.

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Can be comforting.

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And that kind of thinking

feels better in the moment.

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It is going to keep us stuck long term.

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We might get a brief moment of relief.

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But it's preventing us from engaging

with the behavior and the changes.

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It's really going to move us forward and

take us where we want to go long term.

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key.

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Is self-awareness and honesty.

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Recognize when we're using . That

permission sounding behavior.

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As a shield.

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Because it's only when we're actually.

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Honest with ourselves about that.

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And what we're really doing

that we can shift them.

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And real permission is one

that's based in acceptance.

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Autonomy and action.

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A lot of the coaching work that I've

been doing is based in something that's.

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From the world of CBT again.

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But not CBT.

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And it's called self determination theory.

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Self-determination theory is a collection

of ideas based around three main thoughts.

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That we all have a need for autonomy.

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For competence.

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And relatedness.

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And according to

self-determination theory.

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True.

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Motivation comes from.

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Internal satisfaction, not for

we're expected to do from these

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external rules and expectations.

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For adults with ADHD.

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And for children and

young people with ADHD.

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This is really, really important.

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Real lasting change.

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And meeting those goals

that we dream of and maybe.

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Not convinced we'll ever reach.

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They can only happen when

we meet those three needs.

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For autonomy.

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Competence.

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And relatedness.

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And that comes from self permission.

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Because we need autonomy.

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To feel satisfied if we never

feel like we're in control.

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If we feel like our lives

are totally spinning.

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Uh, of our control.

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I've never met anybody.

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Who's able to meet a positive lasting

change in that particular circumstance.

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And of course it wouldn't be powerful

possibilities if we didn't give

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you some practical strategies.

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to go away with

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So, first of all, giving

yourself permission.

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The number one thing I

recognize in clients is.

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How hard to is to give

yourself permission to rest.

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And I don't mean.

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Took a couple of hours off and felt

really guilty and sort about work the

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whole time you were trying to rest.

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Not only do we have this.

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In quotes, driven by

a motor type of brain.

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There's this ingrained feeling?

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The rest has to be earned.

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If you're not working hard,

you don't get to rest.

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And when you think about how difficult

it is for most adults with ADHD,

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To feel that the, or working hard

or effectively or efficiently.

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No wonder we struggle to give

ourselves permission to rest.

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And so often I see people working

to the point of exhaustion.

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and, not being productive at all

because of keep going long past

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the point of being effective.

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But here's the truth.

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Resting.

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Is part of productivity.

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Because if you don't get enough of

it, your effectiveness, when you are

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engaged in a task is going to be minimal.

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To have a think about.

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Do I give myself permission to rest.

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And how do I feel about it?

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That's number one.

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The second kind of self permission.

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Is to fail.

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That's really crucial.

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Especially for people who tend

to have higher than average

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levels of perfectionism.

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Failure.

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Isn't the opposite of success.

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There's no way to be

successful without failure.

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For many people with ADHD,

their struggle to get started.

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Is because the fear of

failing is sort overpowering.

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I'm going to give you some of the examples

from my permission, ignition course

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on how we integrate things like more

self permission into your daily life.

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, one of the most effective ones is

to give yourself permission slips.

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, giving yourself permission slips

feels ridiculous for many of us.

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But it's surprisingly effective.

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And here's why.

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First of all, there's the act of

becoming conscious of what we need.

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And then giving yourself permission

to do it, which acknowledges

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that you are in control.

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That autonomy piece is being connected.

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It's also acknowledging your needs

and forcing you to be aware of them.

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You might also want to give yourself

permission to make mistakes.

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If you're going to a new job, if

you're trying a new hobby, if you're

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learning something new, I write it down.

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I give myself permission

to make a mistake.

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Another thing that we use in permission,

ignition are these reflective exercises.

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Where.

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We identify and then reframe

the beliefs around permission.

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For many people, we have a lot of

permission seeking and we hold back

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from what we want to do, what we need.

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Because we're waiting for that.

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OK, go ahead now.

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If you catch yourself thinking I

can't rest until everything is done.

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The exercise would pay to reflect on that.

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Where did that belief come from?

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Is it actually helpful?

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In that example, you might reframe it

as resting helps me to do things well.

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Rather than do them and have a

unsatisfactory result and finally

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give yourself permission to feel.

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One of the most powerful

things you can do.

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Is give yourself permission

to feel your feelings.

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But.

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To feel them without judgment.

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Emotions are part of

our navigation system.

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They're part of a

neuro-transmitter cascades.

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It goes through your body.

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But they don't need to be judged.

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And giving yourself

permission to feel them.

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Permission to cry,

permission to feel angry.

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Permission to feel sad

those feelings are normal.

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And they are part of a wide spectrum

that we should all be able to access.

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If you don't know what they

are, then that's a different

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podcast and we will get there.

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But giving yourself permission to

at least acknowledge our feelings.

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Is really important.

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We often go into spirals of

massively avoidant behavior.

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Because we don't want

to feel that feeling.

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So to get you started on this

journey of self permission.

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I've got a little sheet you can

download of permission slips.

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Very simple printable, actionable tool.

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You can make as many as you like from it.

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And it's a way for you to give

yourself a visible reminder.

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Remember the externalizing

processing our thoughts and feelings.

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Outside is often more effective,

especially if you have ADHD.

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So you might write.

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I give your name.

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Give myself permission to go and rest.

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When I need to today.

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I give myself permission to be

imperfect and learn as I go.

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The reason it's so powerful is because

it's going to anchor your intentions.

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And it helps you to move towards living

in line with your own needs and values.

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If this topic is interesting to you.

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Please check out my

permission, ignition course.

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I'm running it for the first

time in December,:

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It's going to look.

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Quite different.

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I think by January.

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I'm giving people a chance to

join me on this exploratory round.

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We're giving ourselves permission.

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To learn as we go.

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And to discover new things.

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It's going to have a slack group

channel for community chat.

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We can begin with a five day sprint.

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And I would love you to join me.

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Go check it out.

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And I'll include a link in the show notes.

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Of course.

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So wrapping up, I would

love to hear from you what.

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Have you been holding back?

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From giving yourself permission to do.

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Who are you looking for

to give you permission?

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Don't be surprised if you're in your

50, 60 seventies and you're still

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looking for parental permission,

that's incredibly normal, but.

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Isn't it amazing when you give

yourself permission instead

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and remember every small step

we make towards self permission.

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Gets you closer to a life

that you really love.

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If you enjoyed this episode,

I'd be really grateful.

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If you could leave a review.

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Share it with somebody else.

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And of course stay curious.

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stay powerful.

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And take care of yourselves.

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