Today’s episode is a collaboration with my friend, Jennifer Delliquadri, and her podcast Raising Happy Teens. We’re diving into the concept of social engineering in parenting and the urge we often feel to shield our kids from discomfort and keep them on the “right” path.

My guest, Jennifer Delliquadri, is a life coach for teenagers and their parents. With over 14 years of experience working as a classroom teacher, Jennifer is an expert at connecting with teens. She’s also a certified yoga instructor with years of experience teaching meditation and mindfulness to all ages. When she’s not coaching, you’ll find her volunteering at a local dog shelter, spending time outdoors, and hanging out with her husband and two teenage daughters.

Join us as we talk about what social engineering is, what it looks like in parenting, why it’s a problem and how to put more trust in yourself and your child. We’ll challenge the idea that discomfort is bad and look at how it actually provides our kids with valuable experiences and opportunities for growth. 

What Is Social Engineering in Parenting?

You may not have heard the term social engineering before, but I bet you’ve seen it (in other families or in your own). Social engineering is purposely orchestrating your child's environment for maximum popularity and success and minimum disappointment.

Social engineering seeks to create a situation where a kid is never put in the position to be hurt or disappointed. The parent tries to inoculate them from social harm. 

It’s kinda like putting bowling alley bumpers on your kid’s life so that they stay in the lane that you want for them and don’t fall into the gutter.

It creeps into academics, athletics, other extracurriculars and even kids’ social lives. And it can cause a lot of problems for kids, even though that’s exactly what parents are trying to avoid. 

Where Does Social Engineering Come From?

There are few common sources of this desire to control and engineer a child’s life, and most are based in fear. Guilt, insecurity and societal pressure often come into play, as well. 

The parents that Jennifer and I see in our coaching practices are often so afraid. They fear that their kids will be uncomfortable, they won’t be in the right social groups or have all the advantages other kids may have. They fear their kids will fall behind and not have access to opportunities. And they fear that others will judge their parenting. 

It’s likely that you’ve experienced some (or all) of these fears, too. 

Between school, sports and other enrichment activities, kids these days are so busy. Parents see what other families are doing and think it’s normal, or even expected. Moms, especially, think they’re not doing enough for their kids. They think they could (and should) be doing more. 

We also want our kids to be successful and happy. So when we see them disappointed, it feels bad to us. If you felt left out or like you didn’t belong when you were younger, you might want to protect your kid from feeling that same hurt and insecurity. Or maybe you want to give your kids things you didn’t have -experiences or opportunities that you felt you missed out on in your own childhood or adolescence. 

Basically, we feel like it’s our responsibility to make sure our kids are okay. And this pressure leads to overparenting. 

Why Social Engineering Is Harmful

There’s an energy in mom culture right now, an undercurrent of anxiety and scarcity. From an early age, we’re already worried about our kids going to the right school, getting good grades and getting into college.  

From working with teens, we’ve seen that even when the path is paved, it doesn’t guarantee that a kid gets into their dream school. The path a parent paves for them might not be their path at all. 

Often, social engineering comes from the parent wanting more for their kid than the kid actually needs or would benefit from. 

We can’t truly know which experiences and relationships are going to be in the best service of our kids. When we over-engineer and manipulate their social circle and activities, we could be denying them valuable experiences.

The deeper problem with engineering the outside is that we’re not actually building them up from the inside. Without the opportunity to explore and find their own way, kids don’t know who they are, they struggle with identity or they’ve worked so hard to achieve that they end up in a mental health crisis. 

When parents do everything for their kids, it robs them of the opportunity to develop a good work ethic and positive self esteem. Confidence comes from overcoming challenges. Good relationships with others begin with a good relationship with yourself. 

What To Do Instead

You cannot orchestrate perfection. And even if you could, perfection doesn’t prevent pain. Your kids are going to go through hard things. They’re going to feel sad, disappointed and lonely at times. 

Supporting Yourself

Supporting your child starts with you being able to handle your own feelings so that you can then hold space for your kid when they are experiencing difficult things.

Start by putting less pressure on yourself and knowing that you are good enough. You can feel sufficient, trust yourself and know that you’re still good enough as a parent even when your kid is misbehaving or they make a poor choice or are not included or don’t make the team or fail a test.

Next, practice pausing. Pause before emailing the teacher. Pause before reaching out to ask another parent why your kid wasn’t invited to the party. And while you’re paused, ask yourself, “How could this circumstance serve my kid?” This will help you calm your nervous system and reframe the situation.

Supporting Your Kid

I believe that the antidote to fear is unconditional acceptance. I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you - just as they are, right now. When you can let go of the expectations of what you thought parenting would be like, what you thought your kid would be like, you can hold space for who they’re actually becoming.

You’ll also need to get comfortable with your kid’s discomfort. Parents often think that something has gone wrong if their child is sad, lonely or disappointed. But if you can come alongside and hold space for their feelings, it lets them know that their feelings are real and valid and gives them time to move through the emotion. 

Embrace curiosity. How might they be feeling? What’s really going on here? Let them problem-solve with you about how to handle a difficult situation.

When you believe that your kid is (and will be) okay, they can borrow your belief. Think of your thoughts and feelings about your kid as a gift that you can give them. This becomes their self-concept.

Supporting Your Family

Step into your role as the leader of your family. Look at the big picture and ask yourself, “What is it that works best for my family? What does emotional well being actually look like? What do my kids really need? What does success in parenting look like for me?” 

Look at it through the filter of what you want to make room for, rather than just trying to keep up with what everyone else is doing.

I define success in parenting as emotional health because I believe that if you are emotionally healthy, other successes become easier. You’re willing to take risks, have good relationships, develop passions and interests, set goals and overcome obstacles. 

The parents we talk to (and we’d venture to say the majority of parents out there) don’t really care about the shiny gold medal. They just want their kids to be happy. 

That happiness isn’t going to come from the outside. It doesn’t come from being invited to all the parties or getting all the recognition. It comes from that feeling that, no matter what, they’re okay.

You’ll Learn:

• What social engineering looks like in parenting, where it comes from and why it’s a problem
• How a Positive Parenting Vision can help you let go of fear and trust that your kid will be ok
• Questions to ask yourself when you think about your child’s future
• Strategies to help you trust in yourself and your kid 

Connect with Jennifer:

• Learn about working with Jennifer at https://www.jenniferdelliquadri.com/
• Follow Jennifer on Instagram @jennifer.delliquadri and TikTok @jennifer.delliquadri
• Listen to Jennifer’s podcast episode on Letting Go Of Expectations: The Key To Better Parenting for Teenagers 

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Alright. Welcome to our podcast. I'm here with

the become a calm mama podcast, and go ahead, Jen. And

I'm here for the raising happy teens podcast. We've done this collaboration

on a different topic, but we have a lot of insights in

common, so why not get together and have another discourse

on Yeah. Kind of thing? Yes. We're our topic

is social engineering and parenting. And

Right before we started recording, I was like, okay. What is our big

picture here? What is it that we're, like, wanting to frame? And

I Close my eyes, and I got quiet. And I was like, the

parents that I work with are so fucking

afraid. Yeah. And then you were like, yeah. And I was like, okay. Let's just

go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's really the the gist of everything that we're gonna

be talking about here is The behaviors that

we see and that happen as a tendency of

parents that comes from fear, And it's that underlying

fear of, I'm going to mess my kid up. Yeah. I'm doing it all

wrong. And so, yeah, we're just gonna be talking about some of the things that

we're seeing, The tendencies, what's coming up,

and that it's fear based. And talk a little bit about what can

be done to Trust yourself a little more.

Yeah. So when we talk about social engineering,

let's first just define What we're what that is

and, like, what how we see it play out a

little bit, and then we'll kinda get into where it's coming from and why it's

harmful and that kind of thing. Yeah. So let me just

explain what social engineering is. And, basically, what it

is is Purposely orchestrating your child's

environment for maximum popularity and success and

minimum disappointment. So it's like putting up the bumpers

on your kid's life so that they don't go off the rails, right,

or also Engineering or constructing

their life for them. Yeah. I almost feel like it's more than just

bumpers that it's like you, like, Figure out who's at the

bowling alley, which lane they're gonna be in,

like, you know, what what they're gonna how they're gonna dress when they go

bowling. Uh-huh. You know? What they're gonna use. Yeah. Well

yeah. Exactly. Like, how shiny it is. I mean, like, I I believe

that bumpers are really helpful Yes. In terms of

scaffolding and guiding and that kind of thing, but what we're

seeing is almost like an intensity

of not only are we gonna let like, we're not gonna even let our kids

bowl unless we know the entire experience

is gonna work for them. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. And in environments

that go beyond just Extracurricular. Right?

Their social life. Their academics,

athletics, whatever area it is. And

Where it really comes from is just that fear, that

parental fear that we were talking about, that fear of them

feeling something uncomfortable or The fear of how it will

make us look if the outcome is

less than ideal. Or the fear

that Our kid won't be in the right groups

or, like, the right like, they're gonna like, all the other kids are gonna have

advantages, and our kid is gonna get, like, get behind. Mhmm.

That they're not gonna have, you know, access and

opportunity to all of these other, like, future things. I wanna get into it a

little more. But I was gonna say an example of the first time that

I don't know if this is the first time that this was true for me

doing social engineering. But My son was

in 1st grade at a new school, and he

had met this older boy who was, like, in 3rd grade. And he was sort

of the naughty boy. And and I put it in

quotes, it's a podcast you can't see, but I you know, I don't he wasn't

actually naughty. He just was rambunctious and, you know, big energy and all of that

on campus. And I my son was drawn

to that energy, and it was, like, 2 grades above,

and It made me nervous. I didn't want him to associate with the

naughty kid. I didn't want him to be with the older bad kid. Like, I

just I felt really scared. And I remember saying to my

friend, what do I do about it? You know? Like, how do

I handle this? And she was like, I just wanna encourage it, but,

like, Allow It. They're in 2 different grades. It'll fizzle out. Yeah.

And it was really good wisdom that she offered to me.

And I think there there are that's a there's truth in that of, like,

just don't encourage it. There are friendships that we don't need our kids to be

in or, like, it's okay to set boundaries and limits our own

groups and friends and things like that. But I think some of the

the reasons we do that, Like, my fear

underneath that behavior for my son was like, oh,

no. He's gonna get wrapped up in with the bad kids. And I would go,

like, kinda all the way. I'm like, that's definitely drugs in the future.

Right. Definitely high school dropout. Yeah.

I I just got really caught up. Right.

And that can show up in their friendships. I know one of

the things this is we're talking a little bit about when they're younger because

that That really is when it tends to start Mhmm. Having

that fear. One of the things that happened when

my Daughters were in school. It's the very, very beginning of the year. You would

get the notification of what class you're kids.

Right? And the district I worked for, it was like, you're in the

class you're in. There's no changing. But the district my kids went to,

you could have, like, up to 2 weeks To change, which to

me was a giant mistake because if so and

so wasn't in so and so's class, The the parent would wanna

move the kid. Mhmm. Or if they're not in the cool

teacher's class or if they're not in the popular kids group class.

Mhmm. They would want their kid to be moved.

Yeah. Be in the better class so that they could associate with these kids and

be with this teacher. And It's really

coming from it the idea is that it's coming from what

the parent is wanting for the kid more than what the kid It is really

needing or what could benefit the kid? Yeah. Yes.

Like, you don't you don't actually know what's in

service of your child. Mhmm. And when we

do a lot of engineering and a lot of, you know, social

manipulation and moving our kids around and making sure they're even

on this soccer team or they're in this dance program and all of

that. We don't know what opportunity we're denying them or

what growth opportunity they're maybe not

experiencing. It's like, yeah, you had all your kindergarten friends. There were

6 of you all together. And then I do see this happen, and I

think it's legitimate where parents are like, my kid

like, all like, the they put 5 girls in one class. And 1,

my my daughter's in the other class, and I don't think they're lying. You

know? I think sometimes that happens. Mistakes get made

in creating classes. And

but we don't know who the other new 6 are

gonna be Uh-huh. Yeah. In that 1st grade class. Like,

we don't know yet, and that that could be their best friend for

life. And we get Scared right at the be it's

gonna be okay, and we wanna, like, jump in. You know? Like,

they we There used to be helicopter parenting, right,

hovering close. And now it's bulldozing,

like, straight up Going in with a giant peep being

a earth mover and, like, making this big path, and that's

what we're really talking about really today. Yes.

Paving the path for your child Mhmm.

To maximize their enjoyment of life. Yeah. And fear

is one of the reasons why this happens. Mhmm.

Also guilt. Yeah. I'm not doing enough. That's

another really big challenge that people, parents,

especially moms, struggle with. Yeah. I'm not doing

enough. I could be doing more. Insecurity can come up

as well. Just thinking back on your life and when you felt left

out Or when you felt like you didn't belong or that you weren't in the

cool crowd or on the team and how

hurtful that could have been and Trying to protect your child

from experiencing that. Yep. Where they could

really benefit and learn and grow From going through that just like you

did. It was hard, yes, but you made it through it,

and there are positive outcomes from that as well. Mhmm.

Yeah. I I I think I wanna talk about the fear for

just a few minutes because it's like

I almost feel that there's an energy in mom world right

now where there's just so much under Current of Anxiety,

like like a scarcity at all levels. So we we

look at from early ages,

Our thought is, oh, I have to make sure they do everything right all

along and be in all the right programs to get to college, which is

funny because we have teenagers and you coach teens and parents of

teens. And, you know, like, even if the path is

totally paved, it doesn't necessarily mean, a, that

they get in. Yep. Like, you can I have no kids with

4.5 GPAs, all the things, and they don't get into their

school of choice? And they Go stay home for a year

to, you know, regroup and go to community college or whatever.

Not a problem. Or maybe they've worked so

hard that they have mental health crisis at the end. Yeah. They don't know who

they are. They have identity issues. Right? So even if we

Orchestrate all of the outside because we're afraid

that they're not gonna be okay. The problem is that we're not actually

building them up from internally. Exactly.

Yeah. And they could walk on this amazing path that we bulldoze

for them and then be miserable. Yes. You realize this

isn't my path. Yeah. I don't like who I am. I don't

like my my environment or anything because they haven't really had that

opportunity to explore. So, So, like, our fear, it

I I wanna validate it as for parents

because It does feel like it's our responsibility.

Like, when we talked about the guilt, it's like, that's because we believe

that it's our responsibility to make

sure our kids are okay. Yeah. And then our so we

have this, like, idea that it's our our job, And then

we misdefine what okay is. Yeah.

Exactly. And then taking it all on as our

responsibility only adds That anxiety Yeah. And that

fear. Yes. And the pressure we have, and then the we become overparenting.

But I see it because I work with a lot of parents of younger kids,

And, you know, they it starts so young. Like

Yeah. In in 5 years old, you know, they're go karate, and then

they're into sports, and then they have a tutor, and then a lot of them

are doing OT, like occupational therapy. Yeah. And and do they

have a lot going on every day? Yeah. And then they go

to school, and there's the pressure. You know? They're trying to be little kids and

things. And then all the other moms are talking about all the things they're doing,

so then you think We should be doing it. And it's like like, a

fish doesn't know it's in water or that it's wet or whatever they say. You

know? Like, a fish doesn't know it's wet. And I think parents oftentimes

think all of this is normal, but they don't realize they're putting it on each

other. Right. And leadership, I

think we're getting into solutions, but, like, leadership is really about,

like, scooting back big picture. What is it that works best

for my family? Yes. What do we really need here?

What does Emotional well-being actually look like?

Yeah. Yeah. That family dynamic. What what do we wanna make room

for? Yeah. But we when we're stuck in that, it's

almost like the rat race or whatever, but with parenting. Mhmm. Like,

Oh my god. We gotta keep up. We gotta keep up. And my kids, you

know, the because then it happens. All these kids are in 1

class, and they go after school to something, and then Your your

kids slowly doesn't get invited, and then they do go to

to the dance, but they're not gonna go to the birthday party after because it's

only for the kids in that one class. It actually happens.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What what you're

explaining is very much keeping up with the Jones the Joneses, but

it's less It's more subtle. Yeah. It's

not, you know, so visible as the house that you have

or the car that you drive. It's The little nuances

of who talks to who. Mhmm. And who

is invited to that thing, and it can

really come To, like,

the awareness more than before

because when and and talking about parenting groups,

It it happens with parenting as well. Your kid's not invited,

therefore, you're not invited or you're not included, and then you're on the outs. So

it's not just happening with your kid. It's happening with you and

really just having the courage to be different

and to not do what everybody's doing and to not Try to be part of

a popular group, not expect your kid to go

to whatever college because it looks good on paper, and it looks makes you look

good. Mhmm. Like, oh my gosh. You are the most successful parent. Your kid's

going to MIT. Yeah. That's not the measure of being a

successful parent And having the courage to be able to define

for yourself what success is and letting your

kid define for themselves as well. Mhmm. So it's

really a win win versus an I'm dictating

what success is you are going to check these boxes.

Yeah. I do think it's

helpful in my work. I do kinda say, like,

hey. Here's what I think is success. Like, I kinda define it

Uh-huh. In my programs because I define it as

emotional health. Mhmm. Like because I believe

that at your core, if you are emotionally healthy,

which then I define as being able to manage and

process all emotion. Yeah. Like, knowing what to do with it.

So that means knowing what to do with loneliness, knowing what to do with disappointment,

knowing what to do with boredom. Yeah. Knowing no how to be

okay with yourself no matter what is happening on

the outside. Mhmm. And then My belief is that when you

have emotional health, then you have other

sick sick other successes become easier because you're willing to take risks. You're

willing to, develop passions and interests

in your yourself. Right? Like, overcome

obstacles, set goals. I mean, all the things that we really ultimately want for our

kids to have good relationships with others. How do you have that if you don't

have a good relationship with yourself? How do you have a good work ethic? How

do you have that if you have a poor self esteem or your mom has

always done everything for you? Yeah. Exactly. And that's

where the confidence comes from. Mhmm. Having the

confidence to feel your emotions. And I know that

one of the fears the parents that I talked to, one of the fears is

that What they're seeing in their teen is out of the

norm. Is this normal? Is this normal? Yes. And that

fear does feed into the kit, and that my teens are like, am I

normal? Is this normal? And it really does start with the parent

being able to Have comfort in

their ability to feel all the emotions. And when they

can, they're able to hold space for when their kid is

having big emotions. Yes. I would say be comfortable be

comfortable with your kid's discomfort. Yes.

And that's the hard part is to visit step back and separate

yourself because you you want them to feel happy. You want them to

be successful. And when you see this appointment, it's like,

I don't want that for you. It's so devastating when you

realize I mean, I have had this myself when

I realized I'm at the park, and I noticed that all the moms

are talking about something they did earlier that day. Yeah. And all of a sudden,

I'm like, holy shit. I was not invited. Like, I

have that. I I feel like

Mom groups, especially, like, young elementary mom

groups, that's when it's really define being defined, these mom groups.

It is like being in high school again sometimes. It is.

And I was like, I'm not

included. I felt I know. In so much pain.

Yeah. And, like, I was talking, like like, yeah, mom

groups are not like, There's my there are mean moms out there. You know?

That's real. But thinking about

What I remember with that group, I was like, oh, I don't feel safe in

this group. I'm not gonna continue to put myself into this

position. Like, I only wanna be around people who like me, so Yeah. I'm not

gonna be around this group. But then I was like, uh-oh. This is almost

also my kids' friend group. Uh-huh.

And so I had to, like, navigate these waters. And I

remember going to the park I'm saying to my boys, so I'm not gonna

sit with the moms I usually sit with. I'm gonna sit with other moms, but

you guys are can be there playing with your friends, and I brought the dog

as, like, a distraction. It was so funny. I, like, walked

around the park with the dog, and I brought my chair, and I set separate

and stuff, and it was just very obvious. I was like, I'm not gonna play

with these moms anymore. They're not nice to me. Yeah. And the kids

were, Like, didn't even notice. Like, they don't care. You know?

Yeah. And then I found out that there were other nice moms Yes.

That I hadn't even noticed. And I think that's what we're talking about with the

1st grader who's in the class who's like, oh, these 6 kids or these kids

are not being nice to me, and we keep working at being in that

group. It's like, well, there there's sometimes a gap

between leaving or recognizing these aren't my friends.

Mhmm. This isn't the community for me, or this isn't the sport for me, or

this isn't the extracurricular for me and

Waiting for the next thing. And in that waiting, it's so

painful. It is. It's that space of discomfort.

Yeah. And this really shows up with the parents

and the teams that I work with in small things

like the clothes that they wear Or how they choose to do their

hair. Mhmm. The fear is if they look this certain way

or if they present themselves this certain way and they're not fitting

in, then they're going to be picked on or left out.

And then I have the unique advantage of being able to speak

with the teen as well Mhmm. And hear them say, but I

don't want to wear that, or I don't want to align with people who

care About what my hair looks like. Their values

they're developing your their values. They're developing their self-concept and their

esteem based not on the external validation,

which I love about Gen z, and, hopefully, alpha's coming up behind

them. I love that about them. They I call them, like, the I don't give

a fuck generation. Absolutely. They're like they're like Gen

X 2nd generation. You know? But, like, it's to an extreme.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To an extreme. And it's, like, it's amazing, and it's

super refreshing, but it's also scary. It's so scary.

Yes. Because you're like, uh-uh uh-uh. Danger. I am. Yeah. You need to

conform. 20 years ago, this would have happened. You'd be

bullied. You'd be like, extra you know? Yes. Yes. Exactly.

And and now bullying exists, and there are actual risks for

our children when they are socially isolated, socially excluded.

And that's not what we're talking about. Right? We're not talking about,

you know, a campaign against your child

by a group of kids who are purposely and, you know,

aggressively campaigning against your child and and isolating

them. That's bullying. Mhmm. And that's not okay. We need to

protect our kids. This is different because this is like, I

need to, in advance, Make sure that I inoculate

and engineer a situation so that my kid is never put in that

position. Yeah. Yeah. And then they end up being someone

that they're really not or resenting you. Yes. Because,

you know, I had these shoes that I really liked, and my mom said, Don't

wear those shoes. Mhmm. You know, you'll get made fun of.

Yeah. You know? And that does present fear. It's just parenting

from fear, Then it put places fear in your child as

well. Fear that you're not gonna be accepted unless you totally

conform. Yes. Well and that's why I

always like to talk about the antidote

To fear is, I believe, unconditional acceptance.

Mhmm. Like, if I 100%

See the kid in front of me, and I love and accept them. I think

love is easy. I think unconditional love is really easy. Yep.

The unconditional acceptance, like, who you are exactly as your

not your behavior. Like, okay. Yeah. You can't hit your brother, and you can't,

like, throw crap at your teacher or, like, you know,

whatever. Yeah. We we're not talking about that. Like, that I don't need to unconditionally

accept your behavior, But who you are is at your core. If you're

you're, differently abled. Right? Like, you're neurodivergent

in some way. And I'm like, uh-oh. You know, this isn't okay. We've gotta

change you Right. So that you can be socially

accepted. Means I'm not unconditionally accepting you.

Right. That that's baseline. I did a a

podcast a little way back on parental expectations and how

it can really impact How you show up for your

kid and being able to let go of

your expectations of what parenting would be like, what your kid would be

like, That that idealistic view that you had

before you had kids or when you were younger and you thought, oh,

this this is what my kid's gonna be like. This is what parenting's gonna be

like. And being able to let go of maybe they don't wanna be part of

that group. Maybe they don't want to associate with that. They don't like

that extra Curricular activity that you loved. Mhmm.

Yeah. Accepting them and what who they are at their

core. And then holding space for who they're becoming.

Yeah. Like, I unconditionally accept you now, and I fully

believe that you're gonna find your way. Right. And then

it's like, I call that positive parenting vision in my program. Like, just, like, really

set out at the age 25 or 10 years from

now and picture them overcoming

All of these out obstacles. Right. And when

we hold that vision, we go, okay. We practice that vision. We believe in it.

Then in this moment when your kid doesn't get invited to birthday party or isn't

included in some sort of social event, I remember looking so your my my

son is a senior. Mhmm. Is it sun dunk dumpster?

My son Sawyer is a senior. And

I happened to be on the Instagram for the senior year, you

know, class of 24 kinda thing. Uh-huh. I

was scrolling through 1st day senior sunrise or something

like that, And I didn't see any photos of him, and I

was like, is he not popular?

Like, is it? I don't know. Like, I got

all, like, and then I thought, okay. He he does it doesn't

matter. Like, 5 years from now, No one will know

whether he was senior at I don't even know. Maybe he wasn't even there. That's

like, truth be told. I

I just Well, I got, like, that first feeling of, like,

or eek, or something. Mhmm. And then I was like, listen.

This doesn't matter. He doesn't. Like, if we

believe that he's strong, he's overcoming, he's growing, he's becoming who he's

supposed to be, like, it's all okay Yeah. Relax. I

don't have to get all, like, hey. You know, why don't you be

friends with so and so? Because I noticed that they're

Yeah. That's the engineering. Or why don't you be friends with so and so so

that I can be part of that group? Yeah. Right. They have fun

parties. You're not going to homecoming? Well, after the like, whenever it takes

the pictures, the parents all get together for a drink. Like, how are you going

homecoming? What am I gonna do? Yeah. Like, should I go to the park still

and take pictures? Like, you're not even there? That's weird. So we want them

to go, and then we also think all these rights The passage are really important

and significant that they matter a lot. Yeah.

And that really shows up for the older kids when it comes to

driving, Going to homecoming. Mhmm. Going to the football

games. Yeah. That idealistic, again, view of what high school is supposed

to be like and what being a teenager is supposed to be like, But maybe

they're not ready, or maybe they don't want to go to that. Or Mhmm. It

it again, it always goes to what what is it that I really want for

my child? Mhmm. And how can I support them in getting that? And

that's why I love that idea that you just mentioned, the long term vision Mhmm.

And keeping that in the forefront so that when Things come up and you

do get triggered and you do get that fear is how might this support

them in achieving this long term vision?

And How can I show up and sit alongside them through this

journey versus pulling them in the wagon behind me?

Mhmm. Yeah. Sit alongside them. It's such a beautiful

image because, really, I think

some of the things that we, The, like, the problem or the

the error that we make is thinking that our kids should not feel

discomfort. Mhmm. Right? That there that That's not okay that

something has gone wrong if they're sad. Something has gone wrong if they're

lonely. Yeah. And, really, it It's a

good thing, especially if we can come alongside

Yeah. And hold space for that pain and say, like, this

pain is Totally valid. You it you are

entitled to feel this way. Right. Not instead of

going, well, those parents are bitches. Mhmm. Those kids

are are me. They don't know. Jealous. They're just jealous. That's

my favorite one. They're just jealous, or they're intimidated. They're in We're just

we're sort of gaslighting or, like, bypassing our kids' negative emotion because

we're uncomfortable with it, and we all we don't want them to get stuck. We

don't want their self esteem to be affected. Right. Because that's the misconception

of, like I understand why parents wanna act this

way with their children, why they wanna say they're just jealous or

Their loss or whatever, there's room for that,

but not right in the beginning. Like, in the pain, it's like, yeah. This

pain is just real, and it is awful. Yeah.

Because when you're justifying it or you're setting up you're giving

reasons why it's happening, that's basically your way of saying,

Don't feel that don't feel that uncomfortable feeling. You need to feel something

different. Here's some ways that you can feel different. Instead Of

course, you're gonna feel that way. Anybody in your situation would feel that way. It

makes total sense. Yes. Right? Yes. And then you're there for

them. You're there sitting next to them. I'd like to envision, like,

there's a bench, and they're on the bench and they're crying. Mhmm. And instead of

going over there and saying, let's get off the bench. Let's go play. Hey. Let's

go, you know, do this thing. You sit on the bench with them until they're

ready to get up. Yeah. And that's what I love is that we

often don't believe that they're gonna ever be ready.

And I I think we should trust the brain and

trust the balance that the brain is always seeking for for

emotional regularity. Like, the brain

and our body and our mind, they it desires healing. It

desires going back to, like, homeostasis, going back to balance. Mhmm. And so,

yes, we have these big moments of turmoil, and

then their brain We'll do some work

Yeah. Inside to move themselves to

another state emotional state because dip feelings are

temporary and they pass. And if we believe we have to

intercept and we have to do something to change that feeling,

We're really not letting their whole

process happen where it's like, you

can feel sad, and you can then move through it and then go to a

new emotion. Right. And that's it. Like, we

had talked about strategies to Like, if you notice your tendency

to want to engineer or to intervene, that's a perfect strategy.

That's a perfect way to start Mhmm. Is to Give them

space to feel whatever it is they feel and to

trust yourself to allow them to feel that.

Mhmm. Yes. I think trust them.

Like, looking at your kid, I mean, like, you are strong enough to

overcome this moment.

Mhmm. And then they borrow your belief.

Mhmm. They borrow your thought about them. Like

Yeah. This is really terrible, but I'm stronger than this terrible.

Yeah. And it's like, yep. You both and. Right? You can

feel terrible, and you can move Through It. And maybe

make different decisions for yourself. I don't know. Maybe find a new

friend. Or Yeah. Maybe there's some sort of thing in their

behavior that is off putting. You know? Absolutely. And

that's where parenting with curiosity Can really come in handy.

Mhmm. What do you think really is going on here? Or Mhmm.

What could be done differently? Or or how would you like

Your how would you like to handle this? Yeah. Exactly. Right. And,

like, letting them problem solve with you there. But when we get

scared, Oh, no. They're not

invited. That means and we play out that worst case scenarioing. Like,

you know, it it It they then either have to soothe

us Yeah. It's okay, mom. I'm okay. It's

alright. Yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay. It's not and they, like, brush away their little

tears. Right? Yeah. Or they're like, uh-oh. The person who knows

me best in the whole world, the grown up that I rely on, Has,

like, the oh, shit face. Uh-huh. So we're in deep trouble here.

Yeah. Then that perpetuates itself in, like, they

either people please overwork, overproduce, right,

or turned like, get get the fuck it. Right? I always say, fix it or

fuck it. Like, you know, like, 1 or the

other. Mhmm. Yeah. Totally. Yeah.

I love that. And it all really starts with your

your internal work. Mhmm. Yes. You

learning how to pause before emailing the

teacher. Pause before reaching out to that parent and

asking why your kid wasn't invited or going and, you

know, having a conversation with the kid and being like, Why are

you leaving my kid out? Yeah. Right. A question I think a

question you could ask yourself, like, How

could this be how could this circumstance serve my kid?

Yeah. Like, what are the positive benefits about this

difficult thing? And, Like, just when in that pause, I'm thinking of,

like, okay. Be what are we doing in that pause? Like, we're

soothing our own nervous system because we're scared and set. Right? So we're

calming ourselves for sure. But then how to coach ourselves or

reframe just enough to see if there's some room.

Yeah. Like, how do how could this benefit my kid? How what are the

positives of this? Like, what could end up now if you come up with

nothing, then maybe Maybe it's right.

Maybe they do need some intervention. What's the opportunity here?

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. And, again, it

goes to if it's if there is no opportunity,

I would I would venture to say that most

Experiences in life are there to teach you, and you just need

to be willing to be open to the fact that it is an opportunity

to learn something, whether it's about yourself or

about the world or about other

people Yeah. To be able to reflect upon that. And,

again, that comes after you've processed.

Yes. Yes. I like, I just listened to this interview with

Oprah Winfrey, and she was talking about how Oh, Oprah

Winfrey? It wasn't a different Oprah. Yeah. Do you not know? Let me clarify.

Specifying Mary. Madonna. Is it it's just Cicero. In case

you need to know, like, whatever. Like, there's only there's some pea Beyonce. You don't

need to know her last Same notes. Yeah. Yeah. Just have their first name. It's

amazing. But yeah. So I she was talking about,

like, this movie that she put her whole Soul Into Balmed.

Yeah. And then she and then, also, like, she was trying to do this fundraiser,

and she got a lot of hate hate backlash about it and things like that.

And she was like, What is it what is there to learn from here

for me? Like, always looking, and you you know, what is the

opportunity here? And What am I

supposed to learn? And that if we could give that to our kids,

like, yeah. This is she's like, I was devastated. I didn't get out of the

bed for a week. I, like, you know, fed my self mac and cheese or

whatever. You know? She's like, I process my feelings, and then I moved to

the other side. And I'm like, what is there for me to learn

here, and I think that's a really good lesson for our our

parents to that we work with on our parents.

Well, them too. Yeah. But just really

saying, you know, hey. Your kids are gonna go through hard things.

Yeah. That is normal. I always say, like, perfection

doesn't prevent pain. Right. Because I think we

think Yes. That if we engineer at all Yeah.

If we, like, build the bowling alley Uh-huh. And we make

sure everybody is there who loves our kid and then all the right balls and

all Alright. You know, shoes and all the right you know, everything. The lighting, it's

all perfect, best music, right, perfect bowling alley, that our kid

won't get hurt, and then, like, they drop the ball on their foot. Right.

It's like you you can't You cannot orchestrate

perfection. No. You cannot. And and

expecting or even thinking that it exists is

exhausting like you said. Mhmm. And it all

starts with you being able to do these things for yourself

first. Yeah. God. Healing the

The places maybe in our own childhood

and adolescence where we were excluded

or, Like, sometimes I have to

heal personally from the ways that my

family dynamic, like the trauma, the pain of my life

Sort of did impact my opportunities

Yeah. In terms of, like, where I was gonna go to college or

what op you know, whatever whatever opportunities I could have had. And then so

sometimes I find myself wanting to make sure I give my kids

Yeah. All the things I didn't have. Uh-huh.

And all the, like, you know, emotional support I didn't have and all of

the physical things I didn't have and, like, whatever, and

Thinking that that is gonna make them okay. Right. And

it's like, oh, no. No. No. I need to remind myself that those, like,

We're okay I I survived. Mhmm. I was okay. It

actually benefited me long term. Yeah. And

that I'm not creating pain and trauma with my children. Exactly. You're doing the

best that you can. Yeah. Like, way better. I was

like, True that. I'm doing better than I can. You are thriving,

and you're such an amazing example for them. Exactly. And I think that's

the Truth for all of the moms that, like, listen to podcasts. Like, listen. You're

listening to a parenting podcast. Like, you're already, like Exactly. You're already doing the

thing. You are. You know? It's like you're you

can just relax and be like, okay. I've done it. I'm doing enough.

I just talked to a client the other day. I was like, What if you

just went to 80/20? Like, 80% of the time, I

got I've got it under like, we've got good limits and routines, and

I don't let them eat candy and play video games. I want it's like, okay.

Great. 80%, perfect. Like,

b minus work is excellent. Absolutely. Yeah.

And allowing yourself to be okay with it. Mhmm.

And Maybe it comes down

to putting less pressure on

yourself first and

Believing that you are good enough Yes.

Right now as a parent, as a person,

You are good enough. That doesn't mean that there are areas where you can

improve and you can work on, but having

sufficiency As a person and as a parent.

And when you're able to show up as a parent feeling sufficient,

Your child will see that. And they will feel sufficient. I

just really believe that the it's contagious.

It is. Like, how we feel and think,

especially our kids, they borrow that. Right? They don't have they

don't know enough about the world. So Mhmm. They We I

say, like, their self-concept is an inheritance. They

inherit it from us at 12 years old. It's like, Here

are all the thoughts and feelings I have about you Yeah. And what I believe

is possible for you. And it's like, if you imagined giving your kid a self-concept

in a gift box, like, wrapped up, Would you want it to be like,

people don't like you, you work better, work harder? Exactly.

Right? If you're not perfect, you peep you know, you're gonna be screwed in life.

Yeah. Like, But, yeah, here's in this box of crap. Like, no. We want it

to be, like, as great of a box of self-concept, you know, thoughts as we

can. Right. And then it's their job to then own

those in adolescence. Mhmm. Right. Im implement

it. Yeah. And to but they don't have to choose. They I always say,

Your kids get that box that that you're their inheritance. Right? Their self-concept

inheritance. And it's like, they can either believe it,

yeah, or not. Yeah. They can either think, you don't know me at

all. Right? It could be full of good thoughts, And they

could somehow say, you don't know me at all and choose a

negative self-concept. That is their journey. That's very painful.

It's very painful as a parent. Absolutely. But if we give them a crappy one

Mhmm. And they're like, no. This is not who I am Yeah. Then they

disregard Who who your relay the relationship. They're like, you

don't know me. Right. So that, you know, it's

like, why why give them a crappy one? Exactly.

Give them a good box. And when you're this is this is something

to always remember is that when you're feeling sufficient,

Your you will not need validation from

what who your child is and who they are not.

Yeah. Because it yes. It has something to do with you

in that you are the person who is raising them, but they are their

own person, especially as they're getting older. And when

you're able to feel sufficient even when your child

is misbehaving or even when they make poor choice or break

the rules or do something dumb. Teens do do dumb stuff all the time.

Or even when they're not included, even when they're not popular. Even when they

don't team. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah.

And they don't get into the school, you know, or they, you know, they they

failed the test or they failed the class, That you're still good enough

as a parent. Yeah. Yeah. That's a

good takeaway for today for sure. Like, You

know, you you can trust yourself. Like, like yeah. Your

self worth, just in general, your self worth is not predicated on your

children's performance. That's right. If if you

tie it to that, woo. Good luck. Good luck because that is

gonna be a roller coaster. That's going to be a roller coaster I do not

wanna get It's a terror terrorizing one. It's not even

fun. No. Not even fun. No. Not

at all. Now and it's, yeah. So we we just

really I I guess my one of my takeaways for today as well for

parents is, like, We raise our kids in

communities. We just do. Mhmm. And

having a few like minded moms around, you or,

you know, dads too, where you've all decided to

not buy in to performance based parenting

and to, you you know, performance measurements for kids.

Like, if you have some people and it might take some courage

in the beginning to say, We're not gonna do all

of that, like, whatever that is, or we're not gonna make sure

our kids measure up in this way and that way and this way and whatever.

That that leadership is a risk, but there will be other people who come and

are drawn to it and trust that the other moms and dads are

looking for ways out because it it all feels

terrible. And Yeah. So you're not the only

one who feels this way. And Once you start making these

choices, you will find other people who are drawn to

Yes. Oh, wow. We don't have to do that, and, like, we can still be

okay? Mhmm. Yeah. It's

having feeling safe in doing what's right for you, what feels good for

you, and Trusting that your community

will is there is out there. You're not going to be on an island in

it, and I would venture to say that the majority

of parents are wanting that more than the ones that want to have

the shiny gold medal. Yeah. End of the day. Yeah. They

just want their kids to be happy, and that's every parent I talk

to. That is all they want is for their kid to be happy.

Yeah. And it doesn't come from the outside. That's the thing, I think. If they

could understand that happiness is not by not gonna come from

being invited to a 100 parties. No. But when

you are happy inside, you might get invited to a 100 parties.

Exactly. Or you won't care if you're invited. If you're not invited, you may not

wanna go. What do they call it? Like, sexy indifference?

Oh, I like that. That that is a

good one. I've never heard that. Uh-huh. It's like just being like, yeah. I

don't know. Invite me or not. It's cool. Fine. It's cool. I'm

good. Fine. I'm good. You Good. I want every kid to have that

feeling of, like, I'm good. Whatever. It's fine. And they'll borrow it from your

from parents. They just will. Yeah. And they'll feel more confident

when you're more confident. It all starts with you. And that going back to that,

it all starts with you. Mhmm. Knowing that you may walk into the bowling

alley, and it may be a mess. There may be balls that

aren't completely spherical. The lighting may be bad. The music

may Suck, but you are still okay.

Yeah. Exactly. And, also, fuck bowling. I

know.

I wanna go bowling anyway. Sometimes just be like, we don't even

like bowling. Goodbye. Maybe I wanna go to the trampoline park. Maybe

I wanna go to the beach. That's right. Okay. I think we

should end with fuckballing. I like that. That's a perfect ending. That's our

advice for this this fine podcast episode. This is such a

good episode. Alright. So,

how do people find you? Yes. So I am my

podcast is called raising happy teens, and I can be found on Instagram at

jennifer.delaquadry. My website is jennifer dellacaudry.com.

And I'm also on TikTok, jennifer.delacaudry. All of the

above. Uh-huh. And what about you? Where can my friends find you?

My podcast is Become a Calm Mama, and my website

is calmmama coaching.com. And so that's the

best one stop shop to Find out all about me. I'm on

Instagram at darlin childress. Lots of parenting stuff on there. Perfect.

So fun to talk with you. Yes. Yes. I always love our conversations.

So fun. Alright. Bye bye. I will see you soon. Bye, everyone.

Bye.