Think about your typical day at work. Do you ever have difficulty asking for help? How often do you feel like you're doing all the work no one else wants to do, behind the scenes, because you know it must get done? Even if you have a team of people to delegate to – you think it's easier just to do it yourself than to deal with the imagined discomfort of tasking someone else or asking for assistance. If this sounds like your day, this episode is for you.

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Transcript

Think about your typical day at work. Do you ever have difficulty asking for help? How often do you feel like you are doing all the work no one else wants to do – but you know must get done? Even if you have a team of people to delegate to – you think it’s easier just to do it yourself than to deal with the imagined discomfort of tasking someone else or asking for assistance. When people ask you for help or to do something, do you ever say no? How often are you honest about how you really feel when your boss or a co-worker asks for your opinion? When something upsets you or makes you legitimately angry, do you ever let anyone know that you are not pleased? Do you ever directly provide negative feedback to a co-worker or someone on your team? Do you run yourself to the bone with out asking for help? If you recognize yourself and this sounds like your day, it is possible that you are not communicating in an assertive manner.

One of my clients communicated in a very passive manner and when I explained that I noticed it to her – she told me she felt like when she tried to be less passive, that she became overly aggressive. She said she did not know how to be assertive.

It is possible that because she spent so much time in passive mode that assertiveness felt aggressive to her, that assertiveness felt bold. So, we talked about that for a while until she started to understand the difference and when it finally clicked for her, she did start going into the world from a stronger place, interacting differently and within six months, a lot of things changed for her. She became more respected at work, she was promoted to the next level, she started to make stronger connections in other organizations, she was less frustrated, and the team felt like they were finally being included. She thought she was doing them a favor by doing all the work behind the scenes, but they felt like she didn’t trust them and they wanted to help her. It turns out it was a win-win – she freed up some of her time to do more strategic planning and her team felt more included, like she really needed them.

Communicating assertively also means communicating with clarity. Have you ever had someone tell you they thought you said X when you really said Y? This happens when you are wishy-washy in your communication. You do not have to be a jerk to be assertive and speaking plainly without flowery conversation is not mean – in fact it is a blessing.

When you are too passive it leads to unhealthy and uncomfortable relationships, low self-esteem, feeling like you are at the mercy of other’s decisions, and anxiety, stress, resentment or tension. When you are not assertive, you shy away from saying what you think and feel. In this way, people close to you miss out on knowing who you truly are. When you are too passive it also means you internalize your anger or frustration which may resurface in ways that are over the top, compared to what the situation warranted. At the same time, being too aggressive can also lead to unhealthy relationships and loss of friendships.

That is the focus of today’s episode – helping you to notice if you are too passive or too aggressive and then to give you steps to notice which way you are leaning so you can move toward a more assertive version of you. The more often you communicate assertively, the more clearly you will speak and the more often you will be heard. Also, the more often you will be able to advocate for yourself and your team!

Communication Styles

1. Passive - Passive communicators are typically quiet and don’t seek attention. They may act indifferent during debates and rarely take a strong stance or assert themselves. They don’t usually share their needs or express their feelings, so it may be difficult to know when they are uncomfortable or need help with an important project when they need help. They don’t complain, are easy going, very patient, don’t share opinions, and avoid conflict. They often say, “why can’t everyone just get along” and say they are trying to keep the peace. You believe it is rude or selfish to say what you want. You worry you will upset others if you assert yourself.

2. Aggressive - Aggressive communicators frequently express their thoughts and feelings and tend to dominate conversations, often at the expense of others. An aggressive communicator may also react before thinking, which can negatively affect relationships and decrease productivity in the workplace. They are very confrontational, actively communicate, and even over communicate.

3. Passive Aggressive - Those who use a passive-aggressive communication style tend to express their thoughts and feelings in an unclear or confusing way. These individuals may at first appear to be passive but later act out of anger in an indirect manner. Individuals who communicate in a passive-aggressive way may feel powerless, stuck, or resentful of their current circumstances, but they may be unable to address their circumstances directly. Instead, they may seek to undermine the source of their resentment with subtle expressions of anger. Passive-aggressive behavior may be generally characterized by outward cooperation and internal frustration and resentment.

4. Assertive - The assertive style is typically the most respectful and productive type of communication in the workplace. Assertive communicators share their thoughts and ideas confidently, but they’re always respectful and polite.

Examples

Phrases that sound passive/weak

1. They are hesitant when they speak and don’t take a position or a stand: “Um, would it be ok if I shared my idea” “Yes, I kinda see what you are talking about, but I also kinda see the other side.”

2. They start off by adding disclaimers when they talk, “I could be wrong but… “

3. They say yes when they definitely want to say no, then they resign themselves to the fact that they have committed themselves and quietly suffer.

4. They say things that essentially mean they are but a blade of grass in the wind. “I guess if I were supposed to get that job, it would just happen.” “Things just never work out for me.” “Luck was on my side this time!”

Example of all four styles:

You have been waiting in line at Starbucks. You heard they are running out of dragon fruit that is your favorite beverage. Just then, two college girls cut in front of you, in line.

• You ignore them (passive).

• You start loudly and sarcastically complaining about how rude they are (passive–aggressive).

• You loudly yell at them and go all “Karen” on them and even threaten them if they don’t go to the end of the line (aggressive).

• You politely point out everyone else in line and ask them to move to the end (assertive).

How to know if you are too aggressive?

1. Overly passionate

2. Assuming they know all the answers

3. Challenging the wrong people

4. Rapid machine-gun questioning

5. Resentment and opposition to the demands of others, especially the demands of people in positions of authority

6. Resistance to cooperation, procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands

7. Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude

8. Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated

How to know if you are too passive?

1. You consistently downplay your own impact and accomplishments

2. You talk too quietly, and even allow your volume to fall off as you talk

3. You apologize for everything, maybe 20-50 times a day.

4. You allow others to talk over you or interrupt you

5. You put others needs above your own needs – almost exclusively

6. You seek approval from others before you talk or share thoughts and ideas

7. You are overly trusting of what people say – you don’t trust your ability to have a deep enough understanding to question their confidence.

8. You avoid direct eye-contact

9. You hesitate to speak up and advocate for yourself, even when you are plainly being disrespected.

10. Even though you demand people respect others, you rarely demand that they respect you.

11. You are harder on yourself than almost anyone else is of themselves and you are definitely harder on yourself than you are on anyone else you know.

5 Ways to be more assertive

1. Identify, understand, and own the value you bring to an organization

2. Over prepare when you know you’ll be attending a meeting or speaking

3. Practice more assertive language, a little more everyday. Notice when you slip in to passive mode and work to remove the passive phrases you hear yourself say.

4. Use “I Statements” to represent that YOU do have your own personal preferences and ideas.

5. If you are worried that your new assertiveness will come across as aggressive, there are specific ways you can communicate to make sure your colleagues view your assertive behavior as acceptable and not aggressive:

1) After you state your assertive thought, give the other person space to have their say. You do not have to change your previously stated assertive statement, but they can say what they will following that – and it is ok.

2) Be aware, on your part, that your new assertiveness could be perceived as a threat, only because people expect you to be passive. You can head that off at the pass by saying things like, I understand what you are saying…. And _______ . I see what you mean and _________ . Confirm you heard the other party, acknowledge the merits of their thoughts and remain firm on your comment, if that is what you believe you should do 100%. You can be calm, firm, and stick to your ground without being aggressive.

3) As you remain firm in your position, play the ‘I’m listening’ card in abundance, hear them, over communicate that you have indeed heard what they have said, and simultaneously stick to your guns.

4) One thing a coach will do for you that you can teach yourself to do is: focus on the literal facts, what actually did or did not occur. The rest is thoughts and feelings about the facts. When you stick to the facts, it reduces emotion and keeps things clear. This is a very easy way to increase assertiveness. Just start asking questions about the facts when people are getting overly emotional or dramatic.

Being assertive is a critical skill you must learn to rise in your organization. The more assertive you can be (without moving into aggression) you will:

• Express yourself effectively

• Stand up for your point of view (while respecting others)

• Boost your own self-esteem

• Earn other people’s respect

• Improve stress management

• Reduce the number of times you agree to something you don’t want to do

This is one of the areas a career or executive coach can help you with. They will notice what you are doing verses what you think you are doing and will be able to show you your own words to you. This is especially helpful if you truly believe that assertive communication sounds aggressive.

With or without a coach – try to notice when you communicate passively, catch yourself and concentrate on communicating assertively more often. You have to be an advocate for yourself, as well as others, if you want to make your dreams come true.