Shownotes
Jack teams up with Ilci to run an errand for Edwith.
JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .
Cast:
Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers
Joe Cruz as Jose Perez
Trevor Schechter as Ilci Scarlassara
Amelia Kinch as Edwith Knight
Benjudah Feinen as Tenant
Sarah Pierpont as Tenant’s Girlfriend
Josiah Thorngate as Friend 1
Kayla Glenn as Friend 2
Transcripts
Episode 10: I Was A Teenage Demon Summoner
INTRO
JACK
Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.
JOSE
You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?
JACK
It’s my story. Our story.
Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.
JOSE
Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?
[Cut to intro music.]
SCENE ONE
[Keystone activates]
JACK
[She’s in her car, the engine running softly in the background. She’s dialing a number on her cell phone. There’s faint sounds of a dial tone, then ringing. Then the click of JACK hanging up before anyone can answer. She takes a long slow breath. Then she dials again. This time she doesn’t even make it through the first ring before she hangs up again. Soft noise of frustration from JACK, then her hitting the edge of the steering wheel.]
C’mon. C’mon.
[Another deep breath. She dials. This time it rings and she doesn’t hang up. There’s a short intake of breath when the ringing stops. Then it’s a voicemail message. Jack lets out a shaky laugh. Talking over it as her mom tells her to leave a message.]
JACK’S MOM
Hi, you’ve reached the Witherses, sorry we missed you! Please leave a message!
JACK
Yeah, that’s...that’s fair. I deserve that.
[The voicemail box beeps.]
...Hey. Hi. It’s...it’s me. You’re probably pretty mad. I know. I was too. Am mad. I don’t know. I...I don’t know. Things are more complicated than I thought.
[There’s a long pause.]
There’s a lot I need to tell you and I don’t have a lot of time. But mostly...I’m sorry. I’m sorry for running away. I needed time to think, I needed space to figure out who I am. Who I want to be.
I still shouldn’t have just up and left. I should have at least said where I was going. Or that I was leaving at all. I’m...I’m in Seattle, by the way. If you wanted an answer to the mystery. Hah. Probably not funny. Sorry.
I...I don’t have a lot of time. I don’t know if I can explain that any better, or if you even want me to. I know I hurt you guys bad. And I hope you can forgive me someday. I just wanted you to know before--
I want you to know I’m sorry. That I do forgive you.
Alright. Good-bye, mom. I love you.
[She hangs up the phone and is silent. Keystone deactivates.]
SCENE TWO
[Keystone activating as JACK knocks on JOSE’s door.]
ILCI
Excellent, you’re here.
JACK
Okay Jose. Talk. What’s going on?
ILCI
Not Jose, not precisely. Ilci. Ilci Scarlassara. We met last evening.
JACK
You said...his boyfriend? And you're possessing him, so you're a ghost?
ILCI
Not quite.
JACK
A demon then. You're trying to tell me he's ok with you trying to shoot me?
ILCI
Jose tried to shoot you. I'm stopping him.
JACK
Stopping? Like, he's still trying?
ILCI
Well. Not to shoot you. I got rid of the gun.
JACK
What the hell are you talking about?
ILCI
Yes, love, I am.
JACK
Excuse you?
ILCI
Oh not you. Sorry, I sometimes forget which conversation is supposed to be spoken aloud. Jose wants me to explain better.
JACK
Jose wants to explain something clearly?
ILCI
[Laughs]
Well, it is rather important. He says “shut up and listen, Jeremy.”
JACK
I knew he was doing the name thing on purpose.
ILCI
He says he's sorry he's actively trying to murder you. He insists it’s not personal.
JACK
It’s “not personal?”.
ILCI
It's a fae bargain. Those bastards on the farm managed to bind him. He doesn't have a choice in the matter.
He did it to protect me.
On the other hand, I'm back now, I can hold him back, and help heal all that they wrought on his body. You know he nearly lost an eye? Yet, behold! Good as...well, not new, but moderately worn! Refurbished, I believe, is the word.
JACK
So you're really his boyfriend.
ILCI
If you must. It's a long story. But we need to find a way out of his deal, or he's going to kill you as soon as I leave his body. And he doesn't want that to happen.
JACK
You're not planning to leave around a week and a half from now, are you?
ILCI
A week and a half? Not that I know of.
JACK
Hmm. Just...let me know if something comes up around then, ok? Until then I'm not too worried.
ILCI
You're not too worried.
[pause]
You’ve just learned you’re subject to a Fae-crafted death-contract... and you're “not too worried.”
JACK
I have it on good psychopomp authority that I'm dying in a week and a half.
ILCI
That doesn't-- You're not immortal until then!
[Keystone rings]
Your employer beckons, eh? Whatever you do, don't tell her I'm here.
[He jogs to go hide somewhere. Door closes behind him.]
JACK
Uh, ok.
[Answers]
Ed? Is everything ok?
EDWITH
Jack. I'm coming home soon, but I have a case for you that I want you to deal with as soon as possible.
JACK
Oh, good! I mean, that you're coming home. What's the case?
EDWITH
There's a particular tenant that...some here are concerned will become a problem. He has a real chance at revealing some concerning truths to the public.
JACK
Someone's gonna blab about the supernatural?
EDWITH
Potentially. Jack, just in case... If this goes poorly, the blame may fall on myself. Before anything happens, I want you to know that working with you has been a surprising pleasure.
JACK
Ed, no! You're gonna be fine, I'll take care of it! I've got...Jose with me, and we're gonna make it right!
EDWITH
ove complex, building A, unit:JACK
You don't need to worry. We're going now. See you soon!
[Jack ends the call. Jack knocks on the door Ilci fled behind. Ilci opens it.]
We have to go, Ed needs us.
ILCI
I sincerely doubt that.
JACK
What are you talking about?
[Beat]
It's you, isn't it. You're why Jose hates Fidus Achates so much he’s always taking it out on Ed.
ILCI
You can't trust her, not when she’s part of Fidus Achates! You don't become management there without being more corrupt than Vlad Tepes!
JACK
Did you just compare my girlfriend--boss to Vlad the Impaler? You don't even know her! Have you ever even been in Jose's body when he's at work? There's gotta be a reason I've never met you!
ILCI
Yes, because she can't know about me! If any of my kind finds out where I am they’d... It's not exactly acceptable. We don't fall in love with humans. It would put Jose in danger.
[Pause while JOSE says something]
Yes, and that would put me in danger. The point is, you can't let her see me, or know about me. Is that clear?
JACK
She's in just as much danger as we are! You should have heard what she just said to me! She thinks they're gonna kill her!
ILCI
Outstanding! Let them!
JACK
Oh you and Jose are perfect for each other. Look, I'm going to work, and I'm helping Ed. If you're not gonna help me, get out of my way.
[JACK gets up to go.]
ILCI
Don't be a fool!
[Listens to JOSE]
Jose says he knows you can't help it, but fight that urge! You'll get yourself killed!
JACK
Not for at least a week.
[She walks out the door and slams it behind her. A moment later Ilci catches up.]
ILCI
Wait!
[Exasperated sigh]
Jose won't let me leave you.
JACK
Well yeah, he's trying to kill me.
ILCI
He says you're being an idiot and he doesn't like the idea of you haunting him.
JACK
Fine, come with me. But don't try to stop me.
ILCI
Was it not clear that I'm a demon? Did that not come across?
JACK
Yeah, well, I'm feeling pretty safe for the next week and a half.
[They walk until Keystone deactivates]
SCENE THREE
[JACK and ILCI are walking into the building, keystone activates at door opening; into and up an elevator during this convo.]
JACK
, we're looking for apartment:ILCI
You've been with Fidus Achates for what, a week?
[Elevator doors open.]
JACK
Almost two months. You're not gonna convince me.
[Presses the elevator button. Doors close.]
ILCI
It's an evil organization! Their top people are fae, you've seen what they're like!
JACK
And yet you're dating an employee of theirs.
ILCI
Irrelevant! You can't trust them.
JACK
I don't trust them, I trust Ed. I had her lie to me, she's not fae.
ILCI
Even if that’s true, do you think that's the only kind of monster out there? There are more than a few human monsters in this world, and many of them work for Fidus Achates.
JACK
You'll see, I'll get her out and she'll--
[ILCI starts breathing funny or something]
...Are you ok?
ILCI
I...I can't...
JOSE
...Jack!
JACK
Oh shit! Jose!
[Sounds of struggle in confined space as JOSE tries to jump on JACK in the elevator.]
JACK
Jose I know you don't mean this, you can resist it! I know you can!
JOSE
You. Fuckin. Idiot.
JACK
Where did--
[Struggling stops abruptly.]
ILCI
Ach, sorry about that. Something just pulled...I think someone's performing a summoning.
JACK
A demon summoning? That's a thing?
ILCI
Yes. It's a "thing." And someone's doing it. Someone nearby.
JACK
How did they know you were here?
ILCI
It wasn’t targeted, or you'd be dead. If they knew my name...I'd be all the way out of Jose. This was a proximity issue. But...
JACK
But what?
[Elevator doors open. They step out into a hallway.]
ILCI
It's a real ritual. Do you have any idea how rare that is? This is a trap.
JACK
How? For you? Who knows you're here?
ILCI
Well--
JACK
And don't say Ed. She doesn't know, I didn't tell her anything and you know Jose didn't tell her anything.
ILCI
Do you understand how frequently FA management summons demons? To them it's as mundane as the morning paper, and they'd summon one of us just to grab it, too. This can't be a coincidence- they know how much it annoys us to interrupt whatever we're doing just to serve them.
JACK
It's not a coincidence. She sent me here to stop it. So that's what I'm gonna do.
ILCI
[Sigh]
I'm going to regret this.
[JACK knocks on the apartment door.]
JACK
[Loud]
Management!
[Muffled chatter through the door, then it opens.]
TENANT
[Over his shoulder to friends]
--so close that time, I could feel it!
[to JACK]
Hi, can I help you? Oh, were we being loud? I've just got a few friends over, and we're--
JACK
We've had reports of weird sounds, is everything ok?
TENANT
Yeah, we're fine, I mean--
[JACK pushes her way past him into the apartment.]
Hey!
ILCI
Hi, how are you doing? Excuse us.
JACK
[Loud, to the room full of teenagers]
Ok, hi everyone. Oh lovely, what is that a pentagram?
ILCI
Actually it's a Goetic summoning circle... And done correctly for once.
JACK
Oh, great, a Goetic summoning circle. And you're all...what, some sort of teenage cult?
TENANT GF
We're a coven!
JACK
Sure you are. Look, we do have a problem, because somehow you tripped into actual magic, and that's not ok. Ok? You're gonna hurt someone, or yourselves.
TENANT'S GF
We're not hurting anyone! We're just--
JACK
Summoning demons. I know. Because every time you do, my friend here tries to strangle me.
TENANT
Why would he--
JACK
That's not the point! The point is, you have to stop, and you need to show me where you got the ritual so I can destroy it.
ILCI
Oh yes, masterful negotiation. That's --
TENANT
Why should we?
JACK
Because if you don't, I'm going to make you regret it.
[Loud, harsh]
You! With the book! Where do you think you're going?
FRIEND 1
I'm just--
JACK
Hand it over!
FRIEND 1
Fuck you!
JACK
Fuck me? Ok, fine. You asked for it.
[Determined breath]
You, you and her are together, right?
TENANT
I don't see how that's--
JACK
Are you aware that your buddy over there is in love with her?
FRIEND 2
What? I am--
JACK
Oh you are! But your girlfriend didn't know. Well, that's awkward. Since she's actually more interested in him than in you.
TENANT'S GF
Hey! I'm not...
[JACK lets the silence stretch this time, and everyone gets uncomfortable.]
TENANT
Get out of my apartment!
JACK
Book guy, hand it over unless you want me to tell them everything.
FRIEND 1
[Defeated but cooperating]
Fuck you, man.
JACK
Thank you. Stay in school. Don't summon demons.
[JACK starts marching out of the apartment.]
[Quietly to ILCI]
Can they keep doing this without the book?
ILCI
Doubtful. They could have made copies, but...
[They walk out the door and close it, start talking at normal volume.]
JACK
Could they do it from memory?
ILCI
Not at all. Rituals are complex, and some components must be read, not merely spoken.
JACK
Good.
[Pause as they walk.]
ILCI
Tell me: how did you do that? Jose said you're pretty much useless.
JACK
Do what? Scare a group of teenagers?
ILCI
You cold-read a whole room of hooligans in seconds.
JACK
Pft. Please, they're open books. Besides, I'm a romance writer. This is my wheelhouse.
ILCI
[Pauses like he's listening]
Jose can’t stop laughing. It’s quite loud.
JACK
Hey, I fixed the relationship of a selkie and a siren while he was sleeping off the fae attack. Besides, I’d like to see him write a decent meet-cute.
ILCI
He says ‘you’re not a bonafide romance writer until you ditch Dearest Duke.’
JACK
Says the walking paranormal romance trope. “I married a demon prince!”
ILCI
How did you know?
JACK
Know what?
ILCI
Nothing.
[Walk until keystone deactivates]
SCENE FOUR
[Keystone activates as JACK gets in the elevator. Complete silence as she rides up to EDWITH’s apartment. The elevator dings and she steps out. Silence.]
JACK
[There’s a couple moments before she clears her throat and speaks.]
Ed? ...Are you home?
EDWITH
[Beat. Then we hear heels clicking.]
Jack? Is that you? Oh! Hello! I just--
JACK
[She runs over and hugs EDWITH]
Ed! You’re home. You’re safe.
EDWITH
[She ‘oof’s at the hug and stammers.]
Oh! I-I... Jack! Put me down, put me down!
[She clears her throat, as she’s set down, still embraced. Flustered. Primly, once set down.]
Thank you.
[But she settles into the hug once on her feet again.]
I am so relieved to see you safe.
Hello, Jack.
[She audibly pats Jack’s back twice. Clears her throat.]
JACK
Sorry. I’m a hugger. And it’s been a hell of a few days. I...I really missed you.
EDWITH
No, no, it’s... it’s nice.
[Moves away. Clears her throat and brushes herself off.]
Yes, I imagine you have had a lot to process.
JACK
[Laughs]
Oh, quit that. I get it, you’re very professional!
EDWITH
Well! I just... What I mean to say is that I’m sure all this is different than the job you imagined, I expect.
JACK
Yeah, and that definitely makes me feel better about lying on my resume.
EDWITH
You what?
JACK
Kidding, boss!
EDWITH
Hah. I’d very nearly forgotten your...sense of humour.
JACK
[Sing-songing]
I think maybe you like my humour. You said you missed me! And then some.~
EDWITH
I--Now, wait--!
JACK
[Sing-songing]
Nope, no take-backs. You said it! On a call and everything. In a text, too. I’m keeping it.
EDWITH
You were crying!
JACK
I was! And you missed me. Cuz we’re definitely ‘just friends.’ Very professional. Discreet.
EDWITH
Professionalism, need I remind you, is tantamount to--!
JACK
You know I can see you smiling, right? Whoops, now the keystone knows.
EDWITH
Ms. Withers!
[She’s laughing, trying to stop.]
JACK
[Mimicking EDWITH.]
Ms. Knight!
EDWITH
Oh, be serious for even a moment! Let me look at you. I was so worried.
JACK
You’re serious enough for both of us. Besides, it was all true, wasn’t it?
EDWITH
[Beat. She sighs.]
It was, yes. Needless to say, we could both get into a lot of trouble for--
JACK
[She gets close again]
I missed you too, Ed. And I’m really glad I met you and Jose both. Glad to be your friend.
Even if you are still so clearly bound by the rules of employment and propriety. If I so much as showed ankle around you I know I would be written up! You’re so professional I think you might burst into flames if I were to take you out for tea, and then there we’d be, on fire at a Starbucks--
EDWITH
The rules are there for a reason! They are meant to protect you, you realize! It’s already an-- Ah. It would be--
JACK
Smooth.
EDWITH
--an egregious abuse of my power--
JACK
Promises, promises!
EDWITH
[Slowly getting closer]
What has gotten into you?
JACK
You, hopefully.
[EDWITH sputtering]
Oh, come on. It’s like it would kill you to break a rule now and then!
EDWITH
It might!
JACK
Edwith Knight, you’re ridiculous. But I promise: we definitely won’t be wearing the keystones.
[EDWITH laughing.]
This would be where you protest, right? Madam Professional.
EDWITH
I really ought to.
JACK
You should. And yet... You aren’t.
EDWITH
I’m not, am I? ...Jack, how are you so sure of these things? Where do you find that bravery?
JACK
To be honest? I have no idea! Haha! It’s the weirdest thing, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure of anything in my life. I know that’s crazy. I know it is! But the second I saw you I just…
knew.
You’re important.
Besides, you’re pretty when you’re flustered.
So...go on. Protest.
EDWITH
Mm. I don’t think I will. I...
JACK
[EDWITH struggling to get the words out while Jack speaks.]
C’mon. Keep going. Be brave. You can do it. Say it. Say, “I, Edwith Knight, think Jack is cute. And adorable. And I said in a text message--that’s in writing, Ed--that I want to go to a cozy tea shop with her, just the two of us--
EDWITH
I’m not saying all that!
[She squawks as JACK hoists her up again.]
Oh, no you don’t--
JACK
You leave me no choice. I’ll have to carry you to the nice tea house we were talking about right this moment--
[Laughs]
EDWITH
Put me down! Jack!
JACK
You know my terms, Ms. Knight.
EDWITH
A date! You want a date, right? Don’t you dare drop me--
JACK
I would never. And not just a date. A proper date. A whole damn day of romance and tea shops and holding hands. Maybe even a kiss goodnight, if you’re feeling frisky--
EDWITH
Language--augh, no spinning!
JACK
But it makes your hair look so pretty!
EDWITH
Fine! Fine! A real proper date, I promise! I have so much I need to catch up on, I can’t just galavant around town--
JACK
So once you’re caught up, then! I told you before: you’re worth waiting for.
EDWITH
You say the sweetest nonsense. Not this upcoming Friday, but the next. In ten days. Happy?
JACK
With you? Yes. ...Actually...
[She sets EDWITH down]
I need to tell you something.
EDWITH
You...what? Jack, what’s wrong?
JACK
Just listen, alright? It’s going to be okay. For you, for Jose, for-- I covered things up with the kids earlier, but this job is risky. Hella risky. I’ve-got-ten-days-left-to-live levels of risky.
EDWITH
What?
JACK
Yeah, tell me about it. Psychopomps, am I right? Look, it’s... well, it’s not okay, but I know what I want. It hasn’t changed, really. I finally have my chance to be a superhero. I’m dying anyway, right? But you and Jose don’t have to. So I break your contracts for you. The fae can rip me limb from limb, but they won’t hurt you. You’ll be free.
[Beat]
I...haven’t told Jose about this. I’m only telling you because you’ll need to warn him. Help him escape. I know there’s risk in knowing, so I won’t give you the details either, but--
EDWITH
Jack. What are you talking about?
JACK
I...I overheard a psychopomp. At the hospital. Heard what I wasn’t supposed to.
EDWITH
And you heard ‘two weeks’?
JACK
That I’d be replaced within two weeks. I knocked a couple days off, I figure the hiring process--
EDWITH
Are you ill? Wounded? Have you had any recent medical examinations?
JACK
Yeah, I got a check up literally the first day I had insurance. I had the common cold and strep. What are the odds, right?
EDWITH
Rather high, and utterly irrelevant! What is happening within the next two weeks that’s meant to kill you?
JACK
[Beat]
Does it matter?
EDWITH
It matters! To me!
JACK
I mean, look, some ghost or demon or fae gets a hold of me and I’m a goner, whatever. I might as well go out on my own terms.
EDWITH
Jack--
JACK
[Laughing softly]
Yell at me later. Hurl things at my tombstone. I’m done being scared. I know what I want to do with my last ten days.
To go out knowing you’re safe. That you’re not going to get killed by a monster, or worse, upper management fae.
I know it’s crazy. I get it. I hear it. But it’s what I want. So please. Let me do this.
[Quietly]
Ed...?
EDWITH
Perhaps this was a mistake.
JACK
What?
EDWITH
Do what you will with your apparent last days. But don’t presume to know my wishes, or my ambitions. I will remain in my job regardless of your melodramatic attempts to change this. Your own desire to be the central point of some grand narrative is, make no mistake Jack, irrelevant to my personal goals.
JACK
W-What? Ed, you can’t mean that! They’ll kill you--!
EDWITH
Ms. Withers, do you have the report on today’s work, or should I write it myself? I suppose I can try to glean something of substance from your speech. Or do you have other dates you wish to wheedle out of me before announcing your impending death?
JACK
I... Yeah. Yup. That... Not my brightest. Yeah, here.
[Paper rustling]
Ed, I’m sorry, I didn’t even think--
EDWITH
[She’s already walking away.]
No. You didn’t. Good night, Ms. Withers.
[The door to her office slams.]
JACK
[Leaves the apartment, doesn’t utter another word. Keystone deactivates in elevator.]
