For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

When anger becomes a pattern, it doesn’t just hurt you — it affects the people you love the most. In this honest and deeply moving episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores the emotional cost of uncontrolled anger in families, relationships, and everyday life.

With stories of real people who reached their breaking point and chose to change, this episode is both a wake-up call and a roadmap to healing.

Key Takeaways:

-Anger leaves lasting echoes: Outbursts may pass, but their emotional impact — fear, distance, tension — can linger in your home and relationships.

-Uncontrolled anger creates fear: Loved ones may start walking on eggshells, living in quiet anxiety, never knowing when the next explosion will come.

-Anger often masks deeper emotions: Beneath the rage is often shame, fear, or pain that needs to be understood, not hidden.

-These are learned patterns — not who you are: Anger is not your identity, and with support and practice, it can be unlearned and replaced.

-The ‘pause and pivot’ method works: A brief pause before reacting creates space for empathy, honest communication and healing.

-Real stories show real change: Listeners like Nathan and Peter transformed their lives by learning to recognise the impact of their anger — and choosing a different path.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

Can you relate to this?

Maybe anger has been part of your story for as long as you can remember.

Maybe it's left its mark on your marriage through arguments that cut deep or trust that is slowly wearing thin.

Or maybe your kids have pulled back, living with that quiet tension, never sure when the next outburst will come.

Or maybe you're the one carrying the weight, the shame, the regret, and the fear that nothing will ever change.

If you can relate to this, I know that it can feel like anger is simply who you are.

But here's the anger isn't your identity.

It's a learned pattern, and anything learned can be unlearned.

Today, I want to share some powerful stories of people who reached that anger breaking point and discovered it was also their anger turning point.

Stories that prove no matter how long you've felt stuck, it's never too late to choose differently and to rewrite your story.

Hello, and welcome to episode 52 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Deweys, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.

Today, I've enlisted the help of my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss what happens when anger hurts the people you love the most.

Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, where I'll summarise Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.

With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.

Have you ever found yourself maybe replaying an argument, your sharp words just echoing long after they were spoken?

You didn't mean to snap, but, well, you did.

Or maybe you're just feeling exhausted by that whole cycle, losing your temper with the people you love most.

Yeah, feeling that familiar anger more often than you'd like.

And then the regret, vowing it won't happen again, only to find yourself repeating the same kind of painful pattern.

If any of that sounds familiar, if you recognize that struggle and you really want things to be different, then you're definitely in the right place.

Absolutely.

Today we're taking a deep dive into the, let's say, the complex world of anger.

Not just to dwell on the problem, but really to Uncover a path forward.

Okay.

We're drawing on some powerful insights from Alistair Du, who's an expert.

He spent over 30 years guiding thousands of people to understand, understand and transform their emotional responses.

So our mission for this deep dive is to give you a clearer roadmap to understand why anger shows up.

Not just that it happens, to spot its hidden patterns, and really importantly, to find practical, learnable ways to break that cycle, rebuild trust and genuinely reconnect.

And it's interesting because anger, at its core, it's a natural human emotion.

It's even a signal sometimes that something deeper is going on.

Right, A signal.

But when that anger spirals, when it becomes the default response, well, that's when it turns really destructive, doesn't it?

Yeah.

It starts to eat away at the foundations of the relationships we care about most.

It really makes you ask yourself, you know, what is your uncontrolled anger actually costing you and the people you love?

What's that silent price?

That's such a powerful point.

It's not just about the heat of the moment, is it?

No, not at all.

We're talking about real lasting damage.

Stuff that echoes way beyond the argument itself.

Exactly.

I mean, when we look at Alistair Dus's work, his decades helping people stuck in this cycle, he's seen firsthand the devastating ripple effects.

It's not just a bad day.

It's, you know, marriage is falling apart, parent child bonds getting frayed, sometimes beyond repair, even careers getting destroyed.

Yeah.

The impact is huge.

It really shifts how you experience life and maybe more importantly, how others experience you.

So maybe just take a second and think, honestly, have you ever said or done something when you were angry that you instantly regretted?

We probably all have at some point.

Something that really wounded someone close to you.

Yeah.

And those consequences, they're often much more pervasive than people realize.

One of the most common things Alistair sees, and one of the most painful is how unchecked anger just changes the whole atmosphere.

How so?

It creates this environment of fear, pervasive fear.

Loved ones start walking on eggshells, constantly on alert, trying to guess what might set things off.

Right.

That tension.

Exactly.

And it's not just about avoiding a fight.

It's this draining, exhausting tension that just sucks the joy out of things.

Home stops feeling like a safe space.

It becomes, like you said before, a minefield.

That's a really stark image.

A minefield.

It is.

And words spoken in anger, they leave these invisible scars.

They can last a lifetime.

You can't take them back.

And for parents, this is just heartbreaking.

Alastair talks about how repeated exposure to a parent's anger doesn't just scare kids, it profoundly chips away at their confidence, their self worth.

That's erosion.

Yeah, exactly.

Like a slow, steady rainstorm just washing away that delicate soil.

And acknowledging that impact, that real impact, is often the very first absolutely critical step towards making a real change.

It's when the why becomes undeniable.

That minefield idea really sticks, and it shows how deep these patterns go.

So, okay, given how devastating it can be, what are the things that keep people trapped?

What are those stubborn patterns?

Right.

You mentioned Alistair Du's noticed common roadblocks after working with, what, over 15,000 people?

That's incredible.

What are some of those key challenges?

Well, that's exactly the question, isn't it?

A lot of people truly believe their anger just appears out of nowhere.

Like they just snapped or lost control instantly.

Yeah, the blink of an eye feeling.

Precisely.

But what Alistair found is that they're often completely missing the early warning signs.

And these aren't always dramatic, you know.

Like What?

They can be subtle.

A sudden tightening in your jaw, maybe your pulse quickens, A feeling of heat rising in your chest.

Some people even talk about a silent simmer, this sudden quietness or intense focus that's actually masking internal pressure before the explosion.

Ah, so they mistake withdrawal for calm.

Sometimes, yes.

And even if they do notice something's off, many feel like they just don't have the right tools.

The usual advice, count to 10, walk away.

The classics.

They often fall short, don't they?

They might suppress it for a bit, but it doesn't resolve anything.

The anger just simmers and then it boils over later, Often about something totally unrelated.

So it's not just lacking tools, but maybe not knowing which tools work.

Or even realizing they missed the boat on the early signals.

You also mentioned bottling emotions earlier.

Is that connected?

Is it that people can't identify them?

Or are they actively avoiding them?

It's often a bit of both, I think.

But primarily, Alistair's work suggests it's often avoidance.

For many, anger isn't even the primary emotion.

Yeah, it's more like a cover up emotion, A shield beneath the anger.

You often find these more vulnerable feelings.

Maybe shame, fear of inadequacy, loneliness, even unprocessed grief.

Things that feel harder to show.

Exactly.

They've learned, maybe subconsciously, maybe from way back, that anger feels safer or more powerful than showing vulnerability.

Admitting you're hurt or feel inadequate, that can feel incredibly risky.

So the anger becomes the release valve.

Precisely.

All those suppressed emotions build up like steam.

And anger is the explosive release because there's no healthy outlet.

Okay, that makes sense.

And building on that, another critical challenge Ellis here points to is a fundamental lack of basic communication skills.

Communication always key.

Always.

When anger's simmering, communication often just goes into survival mode.

Right.

People struggle to listen without getting defensive instantly.

They misinterpret intentions, or they jump to blaming.

Language, you always, you never.

Or conversely, they can't express their own feelings without sounding demanding or aggressive.

Or maybe they use passive aggression.

So the real issues never get sorted.

But they just get worse.

But here's the really crucial thing to understand.

These are not inherent character flaws.

These are learned behaviors, patterns developed over years.

And the incredibly empowering truth in that is that any learned behavior can be unlearned.

It can be replaced with healthier, more constructive ones.

That's a really important distinction.

Anger as a shield.

Patterns being learned, not who you are.

So what does this mean for someone listening now who feels totally trapped, who thinks, yeah, this is me, but I don't think I can ever change?

The good news, and this is probably the most vital takeaway from our deep dive today, is that no matter how much anger you feel, no matter how out of control it seems, change is absolutely possible.

That's huge.

Learning to manage your anger isn't some magic gift.

It's a skill like any other skill, Anyone can master it.

So it takes effort, but it's doable.

Exactly.

It needs a conscious decision.

Yes, and a willingness to put in the work.

But it's fundamentally a learned ability, like learning to ride a bike or play guitar.

Nobody's born knowing how to manage anger perfectly.

But everyone has the capacity to learn.

Everyone.

Can you share some real stories of people breaking free even after years?

What does that actually look like?

Oh, definitely.

These stories are really the heart of Alistair's work.

You know, they're powerful proof that change is possible.

Take Nathan, for instance.

37 years old.

For years, he just dismissed his outbursts as being passionate.

But his wife was ready to leave.

His kids were pulling away.

The turning point came when Alistair helped him truly see his anger through his family's eyes.

The fear, the pain it caused.

Nathan just broke down.

Not just regret, but this deep realization.

And that wasn't the end.

It was the start.

He began working with Alistair's methods, identifying those deeper feelings he'd been masking, like his fear of failure.

Learning to voice that instead of exploding.

So getting underneath the anger.

Exactly.

Or Peter 52, his marriage was basically punctuated by arguments.

He felt powerless.

But he started using what Alistair calls the pause and pivot method.

Pause and pivot?

Yeah.

Instead of reacting instantly when he felt that surge, he learned to physically pause, identify the underlying hurt or need, and then consciously pivot to a constructive way to communicate it.

Maybe asking a question instead of making an accusation.

Simple, but powerful.

Very.

His wife eventually said it felt like she had her husband back.

Someone who actually listened.

Those are powerful examples, and they're not unique.

These stories just show it doesn't matter how long anger has been part of your life.

It doesn't have to define your future.

It's never too late to rewrite that story.

So where does someone start?

It starts with awareness.

Recognizing the patterns we've talked about.

Then a willingness to reflect on the impact, and crucially, the courage to try something different, to practice new skills.

You are capable of change.

Absolutely.

And honestly, the very fact that you're listening to this deep dive, that tells us you care deeply.

Yeah.

About yourself, about your relationships, and that commitment right there, that's where the transformation really begins.

Okay, so as we kind of wrap up our deep dive today, we've looked at the really profound, often devastating impact of uncontrolled anger.

How it creates that fear, leaves those scars.

We've identified common challenges.

Not seeing the early signs, maybe masking deeper emotions, struggling with communication.

Right.

The roadblocks.

But most importantly, we've really affirmed that taking control isn't impossible.

It is a learnable skill.

It's accessible to anyone who's ready to make that decision and do the work.

Exactly.

And if you are ready to dive even deeper, to take that next crucial step on this journey after Alistair Du'z offers really powerful practical tools and strategies.

Okay, so what's the best way to access those?

You can get access to a free training he offers.

It specifically teaches how to control your anger, master your emotions, and build calmer, happier relationships.

Just go to angersecrets.com angersecrets.com Got it.

And while you're there, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment call directly with Alistair.

It's a chance to talk about your specific situation.

Totally confidential, no pressure, just a genuine conversation about your challenges and where you could start.

That sounds like a great resource.

So angersecrets.com for the free training and the assessment call.

That's the one.

Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.

I hope you found this deep dive into how anger impacts the people you care about most both helpful and thought provoking.

I know that anger management isn't always an easy topic to face.

It takes real courage to look honestly at how your anger affects those closest to you.

But by listening today, you've shown courage.

And that courage is the first step toward lasting change.

Now, before we wrap up, let's take a moment to go over some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.

Firstly, anger doesn't just hurt others in the moment, it echoes.

Many people think of anger as a flare up that comes and goes.

But those sharp words, that outburst, or the silence afterwards, they echo.

These echoes can shape the emotional climate of your home, your relationships, and even how your children see themselves.

Recognizing those echoes is vital because it helps you see why change really matters.

Secondly, unchecked anger creates fear and distance.

When your loved ones start walking on eggshells or are always bracing for the next explosion, home stops feeling safe.

That constant tension erodes trust and connection.

And over time, it doesn't just push people away, it chips away at the very relationships you want to protect.

Thirdly, anger is often a shield.

As Jake and Sarah reminded us, anger can be a shield hiding more vulnerable feelings like shame, fear or loneliness.

It can feel safer to lash out than to admit you're hurt or struggling.

But when you only show the shield, people can't see the real you and you miss the chance for genuine closeness.

And finally, change is always possible because anger is learned.

This is the hopeful part.

Anger isn't who you are, it's a pattern.

And like any pattern, it can be unlearned and replaced with healthier habits.

The pause and pivot method, for example, shows that even a brief pause before reacting can create space for empathy, for for listening, and for choosing a response you'll feel proud of later.

So here's my encouragement to you.

Real change happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.

Maybe this week you catch yourself once, pause and choose differently.

Those small choices add up and over time they can transform not just how you feel, but how the people you love experience you.

Okay, that's all for today's episode.

When Anger Hurts the People youe Love Most I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.

This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.

Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.