Transcripts
check 1 2 well
Speaker:hello there boyfriend how are you this fine day
Speaker:I'm really good is it working
Speaker:yes excellent let's not talk shit
Speaker:I'm afraid to ask but I have a great question
Speaker:I don't even know what I was gonna say
Speaker:I'm so disturbed right now
Speaker:wow let's talk about poop talking about poop yeah okay
Speaker:this is from John and Seattle oh
Speaker:I've been dating a girl
Speaker:I'm going to see how I say that
Speaker:I'm going to see how soon though to do some shows
Speaker:details TBA
Speaker:uh John from Seattle
Speaker:I've been dating a girl for almost a year
Speaker:we've been dating almost a year
Speaker:right buddy yeah woohoo
Speaker:I'm a man okay apparently
Speaker:he thinks there's a lot of female Johns out there
Speaker:you never know these days
Speaker:I'm a man
Speaker:I poop all the time and also pass gas on occasion
Speaker:I have never
Speaker:once heard my girlfriend do either of these things
Speaker:is she hiding it or do women poop
Speaker:and I hate the word fart and what is it flatulate
Speaker:do they have less gas do they fart less
Speaker:it's a good question it's a good question
Speaker:well
Speaker:I can absolutely tell you what I get in my my office
Speaker:I I don't have a specific study where I can quote you
Speaker:but men absolutely from what I have seen
Speaker:have more regular bowel movements
Speaker:women tend to be more predisposed to IBS
Speaker:so irritable bowel syndrome
Speaker:where they will have more gas bloating distension
Speaker:really yeah
Speaker:well it does happen around menstrual cycles
Speaker:you do have more water retention and flatulence
Speaker:distension and high pressure and gas
Speaker:that's why I'm not familiar with that
Speaker:I would go out of town and then on top of whatever
Speaker:women tend to be more constipated than men in general
Speaker:I don't have a stat to pull up though
Speaker:but this is just what I've seen
Speaker:um but absolutely absolutely
Speaker:you think she's hiding
Speaker:oh she's pooping
Speaker:she's alive isn't she
Speaker:she's pooping she's just not doing it in front of them
Speaker:but if you don't poop for a long time
Speaker:you die right
Speaker:if you don't pee for a long time
Speaker:don't you die you would have like
Speaker:that sounds bad is bad
Speaker:well urinary retention is really bad
Speaker:you would have bladder distension in pain
Speaker:so I don't think you'd be able to hold it forever
Speaker:but you could have a backflow through your uterus
Speaker:into your kidneys hydronephrosis with like
Speaker:fluid in the kidneys swelling is bad
Speaker:yeah so if you have a block at you
Speaker:you can't urinate yes
Speaker:I don't think anyone could physically
Speaker:physiologically hold their pee until they died
Speaker:you don't even hurt too bad
Speaker:yeah cause
Speaker:you know with little animals
Speaker:sometimes they don't pee and you put them in warm water
Speaker:right to get them to pee
Speaker:ever heard that no
Speaker:I've heard of like
Speaker:dipping a person's hand in warm water to make
Speaker:them pee when they're sleeping
Speaker:I think it's similar to that
Speaker:maybe we should try it not in my bed though
Speaker:I used to do that I would put yeah
Speaker:I would pee the bed all the time
Speaker:if my hand was wrapped around a whiskey bottle hmm
Speaker:that's it this is okay that's about the exact time
Speaker:I wanna find a study for you
Speaker:I'm very interested in this question who poops more
Speaker:I absolutely know that it's men
Speaker:every single time I've had a woman and a man
Speaker:especially couples come to see me
Speaker:we talk about you guys all the time
Speaker:he poops all the time
Speaker:he drinks his coffee and 20 minutes later he poops
Speaker:I can't poop for four days
Speaker:do you know what you're supposed to do
Speaker:as far as how often you're supposed to poop
Speaker:how about that
Speaker:that's a good one how often am I supposed to poop
Speaker:I was about to prove
Speaker:this guy was saying that she never poops
Speaker:she absolutely does at least a couple times a week well
Speaker:I was about to prove your
Speaker:I was about to make it
Speaker:so you don't even need a study by this um
Speaker:this case study oh
Speaker:that I know about what yourself
Speaker:yeah I'm a hiding pooper well
Speaker:I think anybody with self respect is like
Speaker:I'm gonna flee the door open and be like
Speaker:tell me about your day don't you think people get
Speaker:great point only a year
Speaker:this is only been a year they've been together
Speaker:had they been married 10 years
Speaker:he would be like yeah
Speaker:this is what's right he would know more
Speaker:but she's she's in the court like the courting phase
Speaker:you know what I think is interesting
Speaker:remember
Speaker:when you had to pull over on the side of the road
Speaker:cause I had to pee so badly
Speaker:oh yeah I thought you were gonna say the time I did
Speaker:but I appreciate you you know
Speaker:you've never peed on side of the road
Speaker:I remember the panic we talked about it in like our
Speaker:one of our first podcast
Speaker:where I drink two giant red eyes by mistake
Speaker:and I needed you to pull up yeah
Speaker:but you got a bathroom you you had self respect
Speaker:I just pissed on the side of the road
Speaker:what was funny is in front of you
Speaker:and you took a picture of me
Speaker:you asshole I did go post that in the show now
Speaker:but I wasn't embarrassed
Speaker:I had to pee so bad that I was like
Speaker:just fucking pull over isn't it funny that when you
Speaker:I got would have taken the arrest ticket or whatever
Speaker:it's called public expo
Speaker:I don't give a shit
Speaker:decent exposure that just give me the pee relief oh
Speaker:you know what's funny about that
Speaker:but if I had to poop
Speaker:I would have held that shit until I passed out
Speaker:I wouldn't have shit myself on
Speaker:the side of the road in front of you yes
Speaker:good point yeah
Speaker:we were driving it's hard to tell when someone
Speaker:you know how you're saying to somebody like
Speaker:oh I have to go to the bathroom and they're like
Speaker:oh I know that feeling you have to pee
Speaker:I remember the moment which I realized that you we were
Speaker:you were going to take over the wheel steering
Speaker:if we didn't put like
Speaker:I remember the point I was like
Speaker:oh my gosh
Speaker:and then you did this technique I've never heard before
Speaker:cause people will say like
Speaker:oh guys
Speaker:have it easier because we could just like whip it out
Speaker:go behind a tree you have a little more complicated
Speaker:but I was very impressed
Speaker:you go turn down this road I go
Speaker:I don't know what this is gonna
Speaker:I don't know what's down that road
Speaker:there's no coffee shop cause I said
Speaker:do you wanna go to a we have different like bathroom
Speaker:how we feel about like bathrooms
Speaker:clean or like gas station bathroom
Speaker:I go there's a gas station for you said no way
Speaker:well but I was also wearing slippers
Speaker:cause I didn't think I'd have to pee
Speaker:remember we just went out to run an errand really fast
Speaker:but if you were in pajamas with slippers
Speaker:I didn't have tennis shoes on
Speaker:if you were wearing tennis shoes
Speaker:would you gone to the gas station
Speaker:I would have gone into the
Speaker:doctor's office that we were next to okay
Speaker:but you I remember saying to you
Speaker:McDonald's bathroom and you're like nope
Speaker:I had tennis shoes on
Speaker:and we were near a McDonald's bathroom
Speaker:I would have gone in okay
Speaker:so this is more about the slippers
Speaker:if it was a Porta potty
Speaker:I would absolutely pee outside in the grass
Speaker:standing up
Speaker:one leg up back where you would not have done
Speaker:you're going to an outhouse report party
Speaker:if I can avoid it
Speaker:do you know the healthiest choice at McDonald's
Speaker:this is just shit in the bathroom and leave yeah
Speaker:I'm sure porta potty oh
Speaker:they call some honey pots have you seen that brand
Speaker:I do not like that that sounds like sexual thing yeah
Speaker:it sounds like isn't it
Speaker:isn't it like I have a honey pot in a vagina
Speaker:the honey pot
Speaker:I'm gonna look it up I thought a honey pot no
Speaker:I know what it is it's um a honey pot
Speaker:it's a honey pot
Speaker:is when you turn on a girl on an electric blanket
Speaker:and then you pour sugar in her vagina
Speaker:what that doesn't even make sense honey pot
Speaker:it's where you why is there an electric blanket
Speaker:you put honey on her vagina
Speaker:and then you release a bunch of bees
Speaker:and you try to get her before the bees do what
Speaker:honey pot you get high you should stop
Speaker:you your pee technique by the way
Speaker:porta potty can I yeah yeah yeah
Speaker:I'd like to say I don't know what it is
Speaker:often times when I see a porta potty
Speaker:it's a better idea to just use the restroom
Speaker:behind the porta potty oh
Speaker:for sure
Speaker:just those are the woods or whatever to just go behind
Speaker:use the porta potty to obstruct porta potties
Speaker:if you go behind it
Speaker:you ever look in a porta potty
Speaker:where the where the toilet is
Speaker:that's look inside of it yeah
Speaker:so you know yeah
Speaker:that's where Satan goes when he's done something bad
Speaker:you don't Alaska no
Speaker:we have porta potties port means portable
Speaker:obviously
Speaker:there's someone Alaska that are slightly perm
Speaker:perma potty but it's on the side of a road
Speaker:and you go in there and I swear
Speaker:I went in there once
Speaker:and I looked into the hole where you
Speaker:I saw I think I saw generations of shit
Speaker:like I think I saw a man shit
Speaker:and then way below was his grandfather's shit
Speaker:frozen too right
Speaker:general in the winter but this doesn't smell so bad
Speaker:it's not like a hot concert oh
Speaker:I saw this in the in the summer
Speaker:cause we're going to Denali
Speaker:which you only really go like
Speaker:can you imagine if there was a Burning Man Porta body
Speaker:how bad that would be like you're at Burning Man
Speaker:everyone should shit
Speaker:just on the side of the fucking dirt
Speaker:I don't really want burning man burning man
Speaker:I really wanna go do you interesting
Speaker:I have like this when someone says it I'm like yeah
Speaker:but I don't have any information about it yeah
Speaker:we'd have to come up with like some really cool
Speaker:like thing to barter with people
Speaker:I wanna like do it right like yeah
Speaker:leather chaps and shit
Speaker:wow well
Speaker:not okay this is weird
Speaker:this is so weird what I went to burning man
Speaker:com and has a bunch of suggestions for herpes
Speaker:burning man you did a joke about that once
Speaker:I feel like I'm Gutfeld oh yeah
Speaker:we got a burning when it pees or something
Speaker:might have been that exact joke
Speaker:it's very possible um
Speaker:I don't remember what we're talking about now
Speaker:we were talking about
Speaker:you were impressed that I use like
Speaker:the thing that people stand on in cars as like
Speaker:a seat to lean against
Speaker:and just like spread my legs out
Speaker:and what are people stand on in cars
Speaker:like the little footstep thing up
Speaker:oh yeah it was amazing
Speaker:sorry impressed by you're right
Speaker:you said pulled on this road there's no anything yeah
Speaker:there's no business what are you gonna do
Speaker:and then I pull over you go here
Speaker:right here there's no there's no house
Speaker:then you open the door
Speaker:and you use the door to make like a triangular tent
Speaker:yeah open the drive
Speaker:that's right and the back door
Speaker:so I've got two doors on each side
Speaker:so I have a little wall yeah
Speaker:clearly it's not my first time
Speaker:take a picture of the back door
Speaker:I did take a picture I like that we sometimes take uh
Speaker:pictures of each other too
Speaker:I don't take pictures of you peeing
Speaker:I've never taken a picture of you peeing no
Speaker:but it was awesome I was like super impressed well
Speaker:I was super relieved yeah uh
Speaker:it's I will pee outside 10 out of 10 times
Speaker:and never go into a porta potty
Speaker:fuck that shit
Speaker:you had to go that day
Speaker:I feel bad that I took so long to pull over
Speaker:I didn't realize how serious it was
Speaker:it sounded like when you started peeing
Speaker:I should pee really bad
Speaker:right now that we're talking about it
Speaker:me too it sounded like um
Speaker:no I'm serious
Speaker:do you know what
Speaker:the carnival where you shoot the God laughing goes up
Speaker:that's what it sounded like when you peed
Speaker:it was like so powerful keep talking
Speaker:I'm just gonna pee right here
Speaker:no go
Speaker:um do you wanna take a pee break
Speaker:we totally can
Speaker:ah just take a pee breath
Speaker:I was just saying I know you missed my whole joke
Speaker:I did
Speaker:it's kind of difficult to try to be funny for like
Speaker:when you're a comedian did I did I miss it
Speaker:well I was trying
Speaker:I'd got cut off I was gonna be like
Speaker:I need to pee right here
Speaker:oh of course you could
Speaker:skills sometimes you know they have like a
Speaker:what's it called
Speaker:a wizzy or something
Speaker:it's like a funnel for women that you can put
Speaker:like in your car and take when you're camping
Speaker:or whatever and you just like put it there with a tube
Speaker:it's like a funnel to pee in to the slide makes
Speaker:it makes a dick
Speaker:right fuck I'm gonna go isn't that what it's like
Speaker:so you're making
Speaker:you're basically making a penis out of the funnel right
Speaker:the funnel is like that's what I just have all day long
Speaker:by the way the go to
Speaker:I have a theory that
Speaker:the reason Gatorade bottles have wide mouths
Speaker:so I can piss it
Speaker:you took a break to pee and you were so cute in there
Speaker:that I wish I could include what happened
Speaker:I haven't recorded on the camera
Speaker:just the audio that I was moaning in satisfaction yeah
Speaker:it was really yeah
Speaker:your sight it felt great I'm good to go now
Speaker:so I guess you can't answer the question
Speaker:you said that she's definitely is pooping and farting
Speaker:she is hiding it from him but I have said this before
Speaker:but I also think that the frequency is different
Speaker:men tend to poop a lot more oh
Speaker:that's what I was gonna tell you
Speaker:the average person poops anywhere between
Speaker:three times a day
Speaker:to every once every three days
Speaker:that's a crazy it's a big range
Speaker:ideally you'd poop every day
Speaker:because you're trying to rid your body of toxins
Speaker:the more regular you are we do believe
Speaker:can decrease the risk of certain colorectal diseases
Speaker:um so there's something to it
Speaker:I don't I was looking up studies
Speaker:I'm gonna cut you off so all this is interesting hit me
Speaker:I don't know where this came from
Speaker:I thought it was funny
Speaker:an online survey by a bathroom retailer
Speaker:suggested men spend up to 14 minutes a day pooping
Speaker:compared to women who reported they spend almost
Speaker:how many minutes do you think a day pooping
Speaker:seven 8
Speaker:well done I'm so glad you brought this up
Speaker:I was about to say
Speaker:what I was about to say when you said
Speaker:I'm gonna interrupt you this is so crazy
Speaker:it has to do exactly with that what I don't
Speaker:no one cares but I barely do this once a day
Speaker:the pooping thing you barely poop once a day
Speaker:how do you barely poop
Speaker:you like half poop
Speaker:I have you squeeze out half
Speaker:pinch it off and then save the rest for the next day
Speaker:I don't know what a regular ball movement
Speaker:I'm Rick he's on very uncomfortable
Speaker:I don't like any of this type of talk
Speaker:you want it to be the shape of a C or an S
Speaker:you want to be soft easy to push out
Speaker:you're not squeezing like crazy
Speaker:but you want it to be in like a big long log
Speaker:big piece you don't want little tiny pieces
Speaker:if it's like rabbit poop
Speaker:that means you're super constipated
Speaker:you know what I had today
Speaker:exclamation point haha
Speaker:is that bad started off good
Speaker:I looked down on the toilet
Speaker:you say hey
Speaker:stop yelling at me much about poop though
Speaker:toilet surprised
Speaker:cause it had a big
Speaker:like it was sad that it had to swallow that yeah
Speaker:I don't what I sang Guffald the other day
Speaker:I said I was in the bathroom so bad
Speaker:I was in a restroom in the bathroom
Speaker:so bad that this guy went to the bathroom
Speaker:the toilet threw up in the sink
Speaker:it was so funny I saw that when I watched that one
Speaker:so thank you
Speaker:but the reason I brought it up twofold has to do
Speaker:has to do has to do with what you're saying
Speaker:I don't understand I used to work at
Speaker:the only job I've ever had
Speaker:where I worked in a building with other people
Speaker:like I've never had a job where I had co workers
Speaker:except for like Arby's but I worked at a radio station
Speaker:with all these other people
Speaker:every morning I would we drink tons of coffee
Speaker:and I go to every morning at like
Speaker:we get up at 4 because we
Speaker:our morning show started at 5 is really early
Speaker:I go in this bathroom at 5:00
Speaker:and it was a restroom for like a bunch of people
Speaker:the whole floor had to be someone on our morning show
Speaker:because we're the only people there
Speaker:I would go into that restroom
Speaker:and I know it's cleaned every night
Speaker:cause I've been in it at night
Speaker:it's fine everything's fine
Speaker:when I walk in that bathroom at 5 in the morning
Speaker:uh huh I felt like I was inside of an actual asshole
Speaker:like I was in like an ass like a haunted house
Speaker:it was like a just a just people say all the time
Speaker:I was punched in the face by the smell of this
Speaker:I'm inside of an asshole
Speaker:what do you mean oh
Speaker:there's a blow up one at a health fair
Speaker:is a rectum and an anus
Speaker:and I got to walk through it like a tunnel
Speaker:and see polyps
Speaker:and describe cancers and sores and lumps
Speaker:and what a colonoscopy does man
Speaker:I've never thought I'd be happier to hear about cancer
Speaker:lumps after you say you're inside of an asshole
Speaker:that was a really nice clarification
Speaker:sigh of relief
Speaker:here's my question
Speaker:I go back on the air that day and I go somebody yeah
Speaker:I go somebody it's every day though yeah
Speaker:so I go in there and I go
Speaker:someone in here has to go to the hospital
Speaker:you're creepy we have to go to the hospital
Speaker:and don't you feel up to it right
Speaker:no no one did
Speaker:but
Speaker:do you think there's something wrong with that person
Speaker:here's my question
Speaker:I think there's something wrong with that person
Speaker:it was this is very
Speaker:it was so bad I got think something's wrong with him
Speaker:maybe he's getting rid of his toxins and he's fine
Speaker:but the other thing is
Speaker:I don't understand person in bathroom for a long time
Speaker:going number two
Speaker:well the thing that I read though
Speaker:it wasn't taking and quantified or qualified data
Speaker:it was just self reported information
Speaker:like 14 versus 8 minutes
Speaker:is that because men typically poop more than once a day
Speaker:so the time spent
Speaker:is because they're in the bathroom twice pooping
Speaker:is it because they prefer to be on their phone
Speaker:surfing the internet for a while
Speaker:and they're distracted it didn't extrapolate anything
Speaker:it just said self reported information
Speaker:so I have no idea so I'm asking so I'm
Speaker:I'm this is not a true medical study
Speaker:I just thought it was funny that they said that
Speaker:men are in the bathroom more than women
Speaker:it is very interesting and I think it was uh
Speaker:I read that study if you dig deeper
Speaker:men with iPhones poop for 28 minutes
Speaker:and men without iPhones poop for 10 seconds
Speaker:that's how they count to fourteen
Speaker:my question is more of a on a personal note
Speaker:like don't you know p I know people
Speaker:I'm not telling you my study
Speaker:I know people that go and go into the bag go
Speaker:where did that person go
Speaker:like what are they doing in there
Speaker:I go into the restroom I think it's about 15 seconds
Speaker:you the clean up if you have some
Speaker:you have some white piece that's short
Speaker:I do everything pretty cool
Speaker:I'm pretty quick
Speaker:I feel like I'm always rushing even if I'm pooping
Speaker:I'm like I gotta get out there nothing to do
Speaker:I gotta get back out there
Speaker:I'm always rushing
Speaker:and I just wonder what are they doing in there
Speaker:I know there's phones
Speaker:but everything is quick is not quick not everything wow
Speaker:maybe I'm haven't cut that as a promenulence
Speaker:played over and over
Speaker:I guess my question is it's hard to be like sexual
Speaker:after talking about you shitting though
Speaker:it is but so so little of my day I spent shitting
Speaker:I said wipey wipes and I said sexy guy
Speaker:am I the only one that calls him wifey wipes
Speaker:by the way you're very quick to point out things
Speaker:I say different than everyone else in the world
Speaker:like I say calm wrong I guess calm
Speaker:I don't know I don't call my saying
Speaker:I don't call anything that I use for my ass
Speaker:a wipey wipe but what do you call it
Speaker:not that what do you call the package in your bathroom
Speaker:that has the butt wipes
Speaker:oh that's way better
Speaker:I thought
Speaker:you're gonna have some sort of proper name for them
Speaker:wow butt wipes anal sanitization cloths
Speaker:yeah that's closer
Speaker:now I can talk toilet non doctor talk I know
Speaker:I just didn't know if wipey
Speaker:wipes is one of these things
Speaker:I was saying wrong I believe
Speaker:that's probably something
Speaker:you should x from your vocabulary
Speaker:going forward okay
Speaker:well I go I go real quick some guys are in there
Speaker:I have a theory
Speaker:you know
Speaker:I think they're doing in there not pooping yeah
Speaker:and this happened before phones
Speaker:don't you remember people in the bathroom is before
Speaker:there's like books and stuff magazine
Speaker:I feel like I hate a bathroom book
Speaker:why do you have it especially in a guest bathroom
Speaker:what do you have a magazine
Speaker:that means
Speaker:anybody who had enough time to look at the magazine
Speaker:was shitting so they're holding it
Speaker:and then they're wiping their ass
Speaker:are they touching the magazine again
Speaker:that magazine is probably filthy
Speaker:if you just go into pee
Speaker:you're not gonna flip through a book
Speaker:you're right I I I was in someone and I saw
Speaker:are you encouraging people to like
Speaker:sit in your guest bathroom and just shit for an hour
Speaker:you're right and who gets to the end of that book
Speaker:that's why it's creepy
Speaker:I have the most uncomfortable toilet
Speaker:I want everybody in and out
Speaker:what if there was a bookmark in the book
Speaker:they're coming back for more
Speaker:I was I was in someone's house once my mom
Speaker:I think my parents use it very funny
Speaker:thanks bookmark yeah
Speaker:they're like oh
Speaker:I'll read the rest of that book when I'm over it
Speaker:Erica's house shitting
Speaker:I'm gonna eat a bunch of food
Speaker:so I can read the end of that book
Speaker:I'm reading at your house
Speaker:the bookmark my mom used to have
Speaker:what is that
Speaker:I don't need you to laugh at my joke
Speaker:when you don't want to laugh at my joke
Speaker:sometimes in my head
Speaker:I'm thinking something and that is why
Speaker:but I was at either my mom's or someone's house
Speaker:that a basket
Speaker:as I say something that I remembered
Speaker:you have a women empowerment sweatshirt
Speaker:sometimes I'm about to say to me
Speaker:this is offensive I was gonna go
Speaker:women love baskets
Speaker:you guys love you love a basket
Speaker:I don't know one guy that's like
Speaker:get in here guys look at this basket
Speaker:you love baskets don't you
Speaker:I love baskets I have them
Speaker:quit looking around my bedroom
Speaker:at the baskets in my bedroom women
Speaker:I don't know one guy that's like
Speaker:I gotta go buy baskets today
Speaker:we're always buying baskets
Speaker:so in the bathroom there's a basket haha
Speaker:I remember when you redid your bedroom
Speaker:which is beautiful you have incredible taste
Speaker:I have no taste
Speaker:but I remember I came here and you were like
Speaker:my bedroom's almost done I got the new bed
Speaker:I got the new dresser I got the lamp
Speaker:the end table I'm thinking that's everything
Speaker:you're almost there
Speaker:I just need some white stones and some plates
Speaker:I didn't say that I didn't say I needed a basket though
Speaker:true
Speaker:my mom or someone in the bathroom
Speaker:had National Geographics in the basket
Speaker:that you could read no
Speaker:so now it's like you're right
Speaker:there's fecal minor on them now
Speaker:National Geographics there's semen on it
Speaker:you jerked off to National Geographic
Speaker:are you being serious that you don't know this
Speaker:are you being serious that you jerked off to like
Speaker:tribal sub saharan
Speaker:like it's not just me pictures or to the elephants
Speaker:no if you squint
Speaker:that trunk looks like a
Speaker:no if not
Speaker:I'm not kidding you not proud of this
Speaker:but I'm not masturbated to like tribal pictures
Speaker:listen sometimes it was to a car advertisement of a car
Speaker:I couldn't where they were explaining their heritage
Speaker:and their culture and like
Speaker:I'm gonna be honest with you
Speaker:I didn't read the part about the culture
Speaker:because her titties were showing
Speaker:are you you're genuinely being serious right now
Speaker:I'm super disgusted this is not just me
Speaker:it's a thing that's not a thing
Speaker:where was a fucking playboy when you needed it
Speaker:that's the point though is when you're too young
Speaker:you could never get a playboy
Speaker:you're like 15 16 years old
Speaker:we would look at those are often times
Speaker:pictures of impoverished countries
Speaker:where people were having like
Speaker:like I don't know
Speaker:like polio and even bone deformities
Speaker:listen even hotter
Speaker:like man
Speaker:she banged me for a pair of socks
Speaker:that's not funny
Speaker:I'm not kidding I only did this maybe
Speaker:I don't even know if I ever did it
Speaker:maybe once in my whole life
Speaker:I'm gonna call up your mom
Speaker:and I'm gonna tell her what you did to her
Speaker:National Geographics
Speaker:you know what else we did
Speaker:the Encyclopedia Britannica haha
Speaker:serious catalogue you did not heard that phrase before
Speaker:you did not do you know that
Speaker:the
Speaker:the lady with the bangs and the Christmas turtleneck
Speaker:you fuckter do you know this is not just me
Speaker:I am telling you something that I don't
Speaker:every guy over 40 no
Speaker:if you were to Google this
Speaker:what were you masturbating to in a serious catalogue
Speaker:the bra section no you were not bras and underwear
Speaker:you would open it and look at a bra
Speaker:and you grab your penis to a bra yeah
Speaker:there's some good stuff in there lingerie
Speaker:tires refrigerators
Speaker:some of the men's men problem lawn mowers
Speaker:asked me to do a toolbox we were very poor
Speaker:I would sometimes mess
Speaker:this is not an economical situation all joking aside
Speaker:we couldn't get a hold of naked pictures of women
Speaker:and the closest thing was
Speaker:everyone's father
Speaker:was like a nipple on a National Geographic
Speaker:and I'm not the only one
Speaker:and then there was also the Sears catalogue
Speaker:if you ask anybody over probably 40
Speaker:if you just go you know like your friend's husband
Speaker:that we were just talking about
Speaker:if you called him up and said I say Sears catalog
Speaker:what do you think of bullshit
Speaker:he will write back masturbation
Speaker:what friend the one that was here today yeah
Speaker:if you I'm gonna text him how old
Speaker:I'm gonna text him right now
Speaker:how old is he he just turned 40 say what
Speaker:Jamie wants to know
Speaker:what comes to mind when I say the words serious
Speaker:catalogue
Speaker:your first thought when I say the word says
Speaker:Sears catalogue this is fascinating for me
Speaker:he's not gonna write back titties yeah he is
Speaker:a Sears catalogue I mean there's no way
Speaker:it was Christmas sweaters and appliances
Speaker:that's what I remember why are you such a perv
Speaker:cause there was nothing no
Speaker:I'm so angry we had nothing
Speaker:it's disturbing it's not about being poor or wealthy no
Speaker:I'm sorry we had nothing
Speaker:the wealthy kids had a bunch of penthouses everywhere
Speaker:we were no no
Speaker:I mean playboys I mean like you know what I mean
Speaker:I don't mean poor I mean
Speaker:we were not like the scarcity of nudity is in
Speaker:is is the resource in which I was poor
Speaker:I'm not talking about economically
Speaker:I'm saying like
Speaker:there were not a lot of nipples hanging around
Speaker:if they were I was related to him
Speaker:god
Speaker:I didn't think you could make this conversation worse
Speaker:I would love to show you my computer screen right now
Speaker:if he writes back
Speaker:he will there's a 0% chance he doesn't 0
Speaker:I think he's normal I think he's gonna write back um
Speaker:my mom used that to buy us Christmas presents
Speaker:and then you're gonna look like an asshole
Speaker:if you masturbates to fucking
Speaker:if it's longhorn sheep in National Geographic
Speaker:because their nipples are hanging
Speaker:this is fascinating because I think you missed it
Speaker:because you're young and a woman
Speaker:I had Sears catalogues I'm not a perv
Speaker:did you did women look at did you have any kind of
Speaker:no the first time I ever had a sexual interest
Speaker:I was 12 or 13 and I just like explored with myself
Speaker:I never looked at a magazine
Speaker:I never once like
Speaker:ripped open colon ads and saw the guys naked chest
Speaker:and was like oh fuck yeah
Speaker:thank you Vogue never there was a car magazine
Speaker:which is way less disturbing than what you're doing
Speaker:anyway there's a
Speaker:I'm trying to think of the female equivalent
Speaker:that would be National Geode fucking graphic
Speaker:it's not I'm not alone in this
Speaker:I'm not alone in this
Speaker:the whole tribe with the cities hanging out were there
Speaker:too yeah
Speaker:I'm thinking of that I used to buy this one magazine
Speaker:I don't even want to know it was a cover for me
Speaker:swear to God don't don't fucking say Toys R Us no
Speaker:was automotive the giraffe poor giraffe no hey
Speaker:just to be clear
Speaker:I can't even I just realized what you were saying
Speaker:look at you now just to be clear
Speaker:I'm not talking about the animals
Speaker:National Geographic to see the neck on that one ah
Speaker:this is their room did you copy your friends by the way
Speaker:and you're like National Geographic
Speaker:check your mail there's a fucking nipple on page 73
Speaker:check out Serengeti
Speaker:did you no
Speaker:this was something I never spoke
Speaker:this is closeted so you were ashamed hey
Speaker:guess how I Learned a lot of stuff
Speaker:he hasn't written back thank God
Speaker:but I don't think he's gonna write back something like
Speaker:oh I fucked every page of that Sears catalog
Speaker:not every page just the brow section
Speaker:why would you get off to a bra
Speaker:do you know I'm almost confident that
Speaker:if you had changed Sears catalogue to
Speaker:National Geographic 80% chance Europack masturbation
Speaker:if you said Jamie said
Speaker:National Geographic magazine when you were younger
Speaker:what do you think about
Speaker:he would say masturbate with National Geographic
Speaker:serious catalogue
Speaker:there's no way he doesn't write this back
Speaker:unless he's lying
Speaker:I'll call someone live on the air here
Speaker:I wish I could um
Speaker:anyway
Speaker:that's a I just typed in
Speaker:okay ready for this
Speaker:ready for this oh wait
Speaker:you're doing a Google search on how many people
Speaker:I'm gonna type do you know what um
Speaker:you know what autofill in is right
Speaker:when you type a Google search and it fills in
Speaker:someone type maybe it's your browser history no
Speaker:no this is
Speaker:I'm gonna clear party search
Speaker:I will clear my browser history ready
Speaker:Sears catalogue space I'm type letter M okay
Speaker:No.1 masturbation shit
Speaker:I can't tell if it was for my Google search yeah
Speaker:of course it was um
Speaker:okay would you believe this 9 years ago on Reddit
Speaker:why is the Sears catalogue
Speaker:so associated with masturbation
Speaker:it's not this is so filthy
Speaker:this was an innocent thing
Speaker:that you would get for the holidays
Speaker:and you would buy Christmas presents
Speaker:there's toys in it this guy sounds reputable um
Speaker:Lithuan 3 3 6 2 says uh before the kids are their own
Speaker:ipads or high speed internet we had to do we could
Speaker:okay
Speaker:um when you're a middle schooler in 19 9 9
Speaker:the lingerie section of a clothing at
Speaker:is about as good as you're gonna get
Speaker:desert times man
Speaker:you couldn't just get porn on the internet
Speaker:why do you have to have porn
Speaker:why can't you just touch your penis
Speaker:why do you have to have porn as a little teenager
Speaker:is that a text no shit
Speaker:I'm dying well of course you start with imagination
Speaker:but then you switch to a magazine or something
Speaker:is like the top of the top
Speaker:a pornographic film
Speaker:I get a hold of a pornographic film
Speaker:I didn't watch a porn until I was 16
Speaker:15 and it was like a joke
Speaker:like that's I probably
Speaker:where men and women completely are different wow
Speaker:I don't know any girlfriends who when we were young
Speaker:ever were like
Speaker:oh we have to sneak and watch this
Speaker:that's pretty wild
Speaker:so you watched your first born at 16 or 70
Speaker:that's only four
Speaker:it only took you four years to make your own
Speaker:that's pretty quick I could do this better
Speaker:hmm
Speaker:you know the biggest fear with making a sex tape
Speaker:what about happens when you break up
Speaker:I destroyed it you gotta really trust that person
Speaker:I destroyed it oh
Speaker:I just and I wasn't I was not talking about you anymore
Speaker:I meant like in general I was saying like
Speaker:like now we have all these
Speaker:these things I'm more afraid
Speaker:to go into your mom's attic
Speaker:and find old Sears catalogues that are stuck together
Speaker:poor thing probably has no idea why they're all stuck
Speaker:you would open up
Speaker:you would open up the Sears catalogue
Speaker:and you'd be like
Speaker:there is no lingerie section and I'd be like
Speaker:oh no it's that one thick page right there
Speaker:it's in there
Speaker:hmm okay
Speaker:well anyway we will
Speaker:no text I'm sorry
Speaker:you're on your own here we'll jump back in
Speaker:don't believe me I'm not on my own
Speaker:for your information it's me
Speaker:Megu Nos 9 easy type Lithu um
Speaker:they sound like wonderful friends
Speaker:desperate 45 also concurs at the Sears catalog
Speaker:yes absolutely five uh huh
Speaker:sounds like the same people that uh
Speaker:might not gonna finish that thought
Speaker:damn it I want to play a clip
Speaker:about masturbating to the Sears catalog
Speaker:when they were younger you know
Speaker:I guess I've looked through that you know
Speaker:because you're nowadays with the porn everything
Speaker:but I'm a lot older than that back in my days you
Speaker:it's buffering on the nor McDonald's punchline
Speaker:back in my days you what to go to this a serious storm
Speaker:fucking wack off haha
Speaker:that's nor McDonald he passed away
Speaker:he was in our TV show he was one of the funniest guys
Speaker:in the history of the world
Speaker:he said he's so old yeah
Speaker:you said he was nice huh he's so nice but he um
Speaker:I ruined that funny joke by bringing the fact
Speaker:he passed away but we miss him dearly
Speaker:that's pretty funny he said he was so old
Speaker:he'd actually go to Sears and Jack off
Speaker:well we have different types of humor today
Speaker:I just I'm never getting you a magazine subscription
Speaker:to fucking anything now
Speaker:I just have these horrible thoughts
Speaker:now I know why you read so many books
Speaker:I do not trust her oh
Speaker:do you know what I'm about to do to you right now
Speaker:self development book dah
Speaker:of course it's self help what do you know about to do
Speaker:your poor fucking Kindle
Speaker:is that like an easy squeech Windex
Speaker:okay you coming at me with this
Speaker:I'm yeah what
Speaker:what are you gonna do what you got Lisso
Speaker:what's the last book audiobook you read
Speaker:haha that's not fair haha
Speaker:just curious what it is
Speaker:it might have been called throttle me
Speaker:oh throttle me
Speaker:I'm assuming it's a from a car's point of view
Speaker:an autobiography of a gas pedal about a ginormous cock
Speaker:I know it was amazing
Speaker:the book was amazing it was an audio book
Speaker:you don't find any type of
Speaker:you feel any do you feel like you owe anyone an apology
Speaker:I didn't on this positive
Speaker:I just sit on my iPhone haha
Speaker:I don't have a problem with porn
Speaker:I have a problem with you getting off to a fucking hut
Speaker:a hut National Geographic
Speaker:what's a hut oh
Speaker:a hut hahaha
Speaker:that's not what it was look at that
Speaker:that's true oh
Speaker:no
Speaker:listen I'm still seeing like
Speaker:goats with hairy teeth in the background
Speaker:and you're like
Speaker:did you like that okay look at me
Speaker:I don't remember so tease me for my book all you want
Speaker:I intentionally purchased that book to get excited
Speaker:sexually
Speaker:there was a moment where I was jealous of the book why
Speaker:I was jealous of a fictitious character
Speaker:he had a ginormous penis but he's a drawing eight pack
Speaker:drawing tattoos he rode a motorcycle
Speaker:he was rough
Speaker:see I don't like that
Speaker:I don't have these attributes
Speaker:but you know what I never fantasized about that
Speaker:it got me in the mood
Speaker:and then I would fantasize about you
Speaker:an eight pack on the cover
Speaker:oh I don't know he was ripped
Speaker:but notice they don't ever show the guy's face
Speaker:cause then it gets to be the fantasy
Speaker:so these books actually
Speaker:these books actually did you a solid
Speaker:cause think about all the time that I would text you
Speaker:like really salty dirty things yeah
Speaker:sometimes I know you were like
Speaker:fuck is that really her
Speaker:like who's typing these things
Speaker:cause I just heard it and I was like oh
Speaker:I like that line you know
Speaker:they say don't text and drive
Speaker:hmm don't listen to fucking throttled and drive
Speaker:you have I did message me so many times
Speaker:I did swerve off the road
Speaker:I swerved off the road well
Speaker:I didn't expect
Speaker:they were like talking about what they talked about
Speaker:yeah it sounds like it was like
Speaker:it's got the whole series
Speaker:I bought two more I just haven't listened to him yet
Speaker:I just don't I don't mind that he's in shape
Speaker:I feel like I work out
Speaker:but it doesn't show the face at all
Speaker:so it's like yeah
Speaker:but but then I found something about you
Speaker:but motorcycle tattoos I don't know if I like um
Speaker:well that's not my fantasy
Speaker:I think that's like a lot of women's fantasies
Speaker:this would be a great topic for another one about like
Speaker:what's a fantasy what's not
Speaker:what's common what's uncommon
Speaker:well I'm very fortunate
Speaker:what's a creature fantasy
Speaker:I wonder if what oh
Speaker:I'd like to talk about that okay
Speaker:we'll do it next like pushing the limits
Speaker:pushing the limits what would be the craziest fantasy
Speaker:yeah
Speaker:and like would you fulfill it or not
Speaker:Jeez okay I think it's hard cause we're together
Speaker:I'm gonna have a little trouble with this one
Speaker:but I think it's a good idea
Speaker:I got a couple fantasies all right um
Speaker:yeah I do get jealous of fictitious people
Speaker:when they have things I don't
Speaker:how about you but it's not your like
Speaker:the tattoos are always into the heaven was like yeah
Speaker:that guy look at that guy
Speaker:he went some to some place and they went
Speaker:but he didn't even do anything
Speaker:he's got tattoos good for you
Speaker:he got a man bun and a beard you're the best gosh
Speaker:you're the greatest
Speaker:you said you like man bonds once and I was like
Speaker:that hurts my feelings yeah
Speaker:well look out
Speaker:because I've also very good at taking direction
Speaker:so if we're gonna talk about fantasies
Speaker:I'll probably whip out a Dillard's catalogue
Speaker:and look at the men's underwear
Speaker:later today okay
Speaker:rawr
Speaker:next time I'm afraid to ask fantasies
Speaker:and I think we have sticky magazines
Speaker:sticky magazines
Speaker:coming up on the next episode of afraid to ask
Speaker:what did I tell you in all of your comedy
Speaker:would upset me more than anything else
Speaker:when we first started dating
Speaker:like what topic was off limits
Speaker:are you dumb
Speaker:that would really upset me if I said I was dumb
Speaker:massage misogynistic stuff
Speaker:oh okay well that was a silly joke
Speaker:I apologize next
Speaker:holy shit I'm mad at you
Speaker:I don't like that shit
Speaker:do you understand though seriously
Speaker:I don't find it funny
Speaker:and the reason I don't find it funny is
Speaker:as a sensitive subject that a lot of men have used
Speaker:humoring to get away with very inappropriate
Speaker:disrespectful behavior that has gone on for centuries
Speaker:so the reason I don't like jokes
Speaker:is because you're just perpetuating that
Speaker:it's silly and it's not a big deal
Speaker:it's a huge deal
Speaker:so I think it'd be safer to move on something else
Speaker:romance novels are great
Speaker:are there guy romance novels I don't know
