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Guardrails on Technology are a MUST!
Episode 3023rd February 2022 • The 6570 Family Project • Nellie Harden
00:00:00 00:22:55

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How do you feel when the electricity goes out and you can’t get on any electronic devices?  I feel pretty… awesome! 

OMGoodness!  It is the best thing when I can’t do anything because I just can’t.  Nature looks sweeter, family is more in tune, less arguing, funnier jokes!

In this episode I go over what the #1 thing is that over 40 families around the world have said is their obstacle in raising teens and tweens THIS year and the BIG QUESTION begging to be asked!

Listen, share and enjoy!

About the Host:

Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor.  

Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live.  

 

Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world. 

 

She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, set their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!

 

With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.

 

(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior, and Psychology. )  

 

LINKS:

6570 Family Challenge- https://www.nellieharden.com/challenge

Website- https://www.nellieharden.com

Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/    

 Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/

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Transcripts

Nellie Harden:

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

Nellie Harden:

podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

Nellie Harden:

way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

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for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

Nellie Harden:

strength and joy. Come in here all the discussions, get all the

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tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

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the real challenges in raising kids today how to show up as

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parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

Nellie Harden:

family and individuals of the world. My name is Mellie Hardin,

Nellie Harden:

big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front

Nellie Harden:

porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

Nellie Harden:

minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline

Nellie Harden:

and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the

Nellie Harden:

kids up with a rock solid foundation they can launch their

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life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570

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family project. Let's go

Nellie Harden:

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the 6570

Nellie Harden:

family project podcast where we are putting aside the power

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struggles and finding the path to lead our young women toward

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confidence, wisdom and respect. So they can prepare to be out in

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the great big world out there. As you can probably tell my

Nellie Harden:

voice is a little off today. You guys I spent a weekend in the

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very frigid mountains of North Carolina. It is winter time

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right now. February actually. And there was a lot of fun

Nellie Harden:

things to do. We tried skiing, there was a swing that you had

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dropped from. I am a youth leader in the community. And we

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were out there on a winter retreat. So it was me to other

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extraordinary women. And let's see 1917 young women all in

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middle and high school and we had a bunch of young men with us

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as well. And I think it was the dropping from the swing it was a

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swing that lifted you Gosh, probably 4550 feet in the air

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and then dropped you and we did it at night. And I think that's

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when I lost my voice which was the first night we were there.

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But probably screaming as I was skiing down the hill at people

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to watch out because I was coming after them in my not so

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coordinated skiing didn't help the voice. But that is why I am

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a little raspy today but full of heart full of joy full of so

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much after spending the last few days just really focused on and

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being in the world of these young women. And so one thing I

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wanted to come on here today and just talk about is I found it

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really interesting that when we get to these retreats the one of

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the very first things that we do is we ask them to all gather

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their phones and we collect them right and this is supposed to be

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an unplugged weekend. We are a Christian organization we want

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you to just really focus inward of course have fun your you know

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friends are there. But really just having that reflection time

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right and all of those distractions from the world all

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of that nagging you know, phones, those notifications, it

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reminds me of this little like two year old on your sleeve

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going look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me now. Look

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at me now look at me now right? How annoying i Better with You

Nellie Harden:

got annoyed just listening to me say that. And I think he only

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said it four times notifications go off hundreds of times a day.

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And they are like the nagging two year old. So anyway, we get

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there. And we asked everybody within minutes. Okay guys time

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to hand in your phones. And the look of just like, Okay, here it

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is, you know, and these are not girls that you would think Oh,

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well. Maybe they don't use their phone all that much. Oh, no, no,

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no, they are like, you know, the rest of teens in America. Rest

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of most adults in America are addicted to phones. And but when

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they pass them in, it was like, Ah, okay, I can I can breathe

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now I can go now. And everybody was just super happy. There was

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not reluctance. You know, sometimes you'd be like, No, I

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don't want to give up my phone. Or are you sure? Can I keep it

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just for this? Whatever. No, it just was fine. Everybody knows

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we collect phones. And they go in there. And what I find really

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interesting is I was talking to before prior to this on

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Wednesday nights, which is when we all gather anyway, I was

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talking to a young group and it was just myself and maybe four

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or five young women all let's see, there's sophomores,

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juniors, seniors High School that I was speaking with. And

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they said one of their most favorite things, and that they

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do as far as their phones is give them up when we are going

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on these trips. And I found that really interesting because you

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guys, they don't want to be like tied to these things. You don't

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want to be tied like tethers to these phones either. But it is

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just the world we live in, in the quote unquote, Norm right

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that we have, because they feel like they have to be because

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they're going to have FOMO, they're going to miss out on

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something, they're not going to be a part of something that's

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happening. And people expect them always to know, right?

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There's the whole, you know, Oh, someone left me on red. Right?

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And thank you, iPhones, now we have it, which is helpful in

Nellie Harden:

some ways, and really not helpful in others. When you send

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a text to somebody, it says if they have read it or not, right,

Nellie Harden:

it's sent, it's delivered. And then it is read. And if someone

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reads it and doesn't reply, the sky is falling, and they left me

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on red, which means they don't care or I am not worth it. Or so

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emergency is happening, right? It is catastrophizing, all of

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these things. But it just doesn't need to be be that way.

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Right. And so they don't want to be tethered to it, but they feel

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like they have to be. And I find that really interesting. Because

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when I was talking to this young group of women, before we even

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left on this trip, they were talking about how nice it would

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be to have more boundaries. And these young women didn't have

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any boundaries, except for one said, You know what, when we go

Nellie Harden:

to restaurants, I'm not allowed to take them in like, cool,

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awesome, you know? And then another one said, Well, I'm not

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allowed to stay on my phone until like, two in the morning

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or anything. And I was like, Gulp two in the morning, what,

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you know, no way. And so I was like, what is the 130? I don't

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know. But, and that's not to say these parents aren't great

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parents, because they are their great parents, it's just that we

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have been so inclined to just accept these phones as part of

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our society. Now these phones, these electronics, this access

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to the world, and we kind of forget that we can put some

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boundaries up and these kids are begging, begging for some

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boundaries. And when I talked about what we do in our home,

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which like I am not the end all be all by any means. But

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through, you know, trial and error with our four kids are for

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young women who are 1214 14 and 16. Right now, what we do is six

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o'clock, all the phones are in a box in our office upstairs, and

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it is my husband and I's office. And that is where the phones go.

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And they stay in there until 11 o'clock in the morning, the next

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day. Now I do have one that goes to school, my oldest goes to

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school and she's driving. And of course we let her have her phone

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for that because emergencies etc. So she gets her phone

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earlier in the morning, but the rest of them that are home

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because I'm still homeschooling three of them, they stay in that

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box until 11am. And between 11 and six, they can have their

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phones, and they get 30 minutes whenever they want in their

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after chore in school, of course, to have fun play games,

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you know, do whatever they want text and do things, but a half

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hour a day staring at the screen. And then they you know,

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they get TV time to which is a separate, you know, boundary

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that we have, but as far as their screens go a half hour a

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day, whenever they want between 11 and six, which was really

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funny because some of the kids on the bus, it was a long bus

Nellie Harden:

ride to this place, y'all. So we had, let's see, it was a little

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over. That was about a 50 hour trip. Let's call it 24 of those

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hours were spent on a bus. We had some issues one time with

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things but yeah, 24 hours on this bus with these 29 kids.

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Like I said 17 of them were 18 of them. I'm sorry, we're young

Nellie Harden:

women. So anyway, some people found out because my kids were

Nellie Harden:

just oh yeah, this is what we do with our phones. And I had kids

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coming up to me and being like, you only let your kids be on

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their phones for 30 minutes a day. And we're like, yeah, you

Nellie Harden:

know, my husband's a youth leader too. So he was on the

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trip as well. And so we're like, yeah, and, you know, it's plenty

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of time and to you know, do your stuff and whatever. Of course

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when they're on the bus they were allowed to have you know,

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more because we were on the bus for 24 hours. And, but and they

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were all playing among us and things like that with friends.

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But anyway, so many people were shocked and we're like, yeah,

Nellie Harden:

yeah, well, that's what we do. And you know, it's our boundary.

Nellie Harden:

It's our it's our standard and, but what I found with other kids

Nellie Harden:

is they were almost new jealous of that? They were like, wow,

Nellie Harden:

that's, that's really interesting, huh. And the more I

Nellie Harden:

spend with this generation of young men and women, and

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especially the young women that I that I mentor, they really are

Nellie Harden:

looking for these beautiful boundaries. And I have spent it

Nellie Harden:

just in 2022. Alone, you guys, so what we're about six weeks

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in, so in just this year alone, I have done about 40 interviews,

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like long winded interviews with parents from around the globe,

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I'm talking coast to coast in the United States, England,

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Africa, Philippines, France, Canada, Australia. The number

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one obstacle that every single parent brings up that they face

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in raising their kids today is social media and technology,

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social media and technology. So the question then begs, why are

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we having such a huge problem with our children having too

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much of something with something that they need and want a break

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from anyway? Right? It's not going to be like, you go up to

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your kid and say, Okay, well, why don't we start, you know,

Nellie Harden:

some boundaries and put, you know,

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why don't we have your phone over here? And they're gonna be

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like, Sure, Mom, that sounds great, right? It's not going to

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be that way. Let's be honest. There is this veneer of, of

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defiance. Right? There's this veneer of

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I, you know, this shouldn't be, I should be able to have this

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right entitlement type thing going on. But you can get

Nellie Harden:

through the video, I promise you can get through the veneer. But

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that is the that is the great question. We're having such a

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problem with this coast to coast worldwide. Number one answer

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from every single parent, there wasn't one parent that didn't

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have this, in their top three obstacles that they're facing as

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a parent of a teen and tween today of a young woman. And I'm

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sure it's the same with young men too, because many of these

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parents also had young men and for sons. And what I found so

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interesting is that these these girls, these young women are

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begging for boundaries on something that we are having a

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problem with. Anyway. So hundreds are beautiful. You

Nellie Harden:

guys, my youngest daughter, and I, and my youngest daughter now

Nellie Harden:

is 12. Her name is journey. And when she was, gosh, it was 2014.

Nellie Harden:

So about five years old. We were in a massive car accident. I was

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heading down the highway, and it was one of those highways that

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has a stoplight, you know every so often. So we were stopped at

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a stoplight. And we were maybe three, four cars back 345. And I

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look in the rearview mirror, mirror. And there is a huge,

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like dually white pickup truck barreling down behind me. And I

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just start going, he's not going to stop. My daughter's watching

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frozen, you know, we got let it go screaming at the top of the

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lungs in the car. She's five years old in her car seat, of

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course. And this truck is not stopping. And I'm like what do I

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do? I don't want to be pancaked between these two but I also

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like didn't want them to just ran into the car in front of me.

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And but I had to think really quick. And so I turned the wheel

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and as soon as I turn the wheel and he hit really hard, I don't

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even know how many miles per hour he hit me but he never hit

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the brake before he hit me. That's uh, he just slammed right

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in. But when he hit I had turned the wheel so I did not hit the

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car in front of me. And he was stopped by my van. So he didn't

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hit the car in front of me either. And he he hit us. We

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went down the median. And it was kind of a little valley type

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deal. We went down the median and back up the other side hit

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the guardrail, which stopped us from going into oncoming traffic

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on the other side of the highway, which was going like

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gangbusters. And if that guardrail, if that boundary

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would not have been there, I would not have been there. My

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daughter would not have been there. She actually came out of

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her car seat in the midst because we had a back end

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collision followed by a front end collision. The van was of

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course totaled, but she had flown out of her car seat. All

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the windows were busted in. I was trapped in the car. Both of

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us walked out of there. She had like a tiny I mean, it was like

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equivalent to a paper cut scratch on her back. That was

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it. And I was fine. We were emotionally shaken up, of

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course, mentally shaken up, of course, but physically fine. But

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it was that boundary. It was that guardrail that kept us

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alive. And that's what I see in here when I think about

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boundaries and guardrails, right? Driving is fine. Driving

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is good boundaries and guardrails keep you safe on that

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road. Right? And that's the same thing with social media

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technology that we're facing today. And, you know, if your

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kids needed for school, awesome, right, we have kind of a saying,

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you know, I have a job where I am, you know, helping families

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be able to help raise their, their daughters and their kids.

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And if I have to get on to do something, if I'm recording a

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podcast in Australia, there's crazy hours and what have you,

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and it falls within that, you know, 6pm to 11am thing. It's

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okay, because I'm like, you know, what, I am helping

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humanity, I am helping families grow, that is a different reason

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than getting on to, you know, check texting, or, you know,

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play some game or whatever it is. So there's some, there's

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some exceptions to that guardrail. But otherwise, it's

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pretty much there. And within the 6570, right, the 6570 days

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that we are training our children for adulthood, that's

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the whole purpose of childhood. Now we have a whole lot of fun

Nellie Harden:

in there, we nurture, right, it's not just like a regimented,

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we are training you it's not boot camp, right. Although

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sometimes it can feel that way. It isn't boot camp, but we are

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nurturing, we are growing their emotional intelligence, we are

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growing their interpersonal intelligence, so they know how

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to carry on a conversation and, and relate to people and have

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empathy toward people, right. We are also growing their practical

Nellie Harden:

wisdom within that time. So they know how to do something when

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they get out of here. And they don't stare at a washing machine

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and wonder where you put the quarters in and it takes care of

Nellie Harden:

you or the magical person comes around the corner to take care

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of it. And we of course, have a educational wisdom that is

Nellie Harden:

poured into them during the 6570. But we are teaching them

Nellie Harden:

and leading them to be able to set healthy boundaries on their

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own. And they will never be able to set healthy boundaries on

Nellie Harden:

their own. If they're not taught if the seed isn't planted to

Nellie Harden:

what that looks like, by you.

Nellie Harden:

Right by parents. We are their teacher to prepare them for

Nellie Harden:

adulthood. And we want them to set healthy boundaries as

Nellie Harden:

adults, which means we need to help them set healthy

Nellie Harden:

boundaries. Now, remember, training ground planting the

Nellie Harden:

seeds? It is the driver's ed of adulthood, right? It is? What

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adulting Ed? Can we can we call it that? adulting ed. So you

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guys healthy boundaries are wonderful. And I'm really diving

Nellie Harden:

into this. There's no way I could cover it in one podcast,

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but I just wanted to put that drop in your ear right now that

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we are having this massive problem with our kids spending

Nellie Harden:

too much time on social media getting too sucked in losing

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their identities, losing their self esteem, bullying, right. I

Nellie Harden:

had a huge discussion with a with a parent group about that

Nellie Harden:

today, the bullying and is it happening face to face? Nope.

Nellie Harden:

It's happening over texting these big group chats and

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leaving people out and saying things and screenshots and

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being. I mean, it is a mess y'all it is it is such a mess.

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But we're having such a problem with it. Yet the kids are also

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begging to have some boundaries about that. So I just want to

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perk I want to have you percolate on that for a little

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bit. And I will be back to you next week with a wonderful

Nellie Harden:

interview. And with a guest that is going to be talking about

Nellie Harden:

what to do on the dinner table. It is so fascinating. And I

Nellie Harden:

loved it. She's so funny. And it really brings the family

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together with food. I mean, do my favorite things. It's

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awesome. But that is next week and then the next week I will

Nellie Harden:

come back to you and we're gonna dive into this a little bit more

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again. But until next time, you guys, keep teaching, keep

Nellie Harden:

laughing keep loving and above all remember to keep showing up

Nellie Harden:

with intention in the 6570 parenthood childhood experience

Nellie Harden:

because they need you. Alright guys, I'll see you next time.

Nellie Harden:

Thank you so much for listening today. And I hope you were able

Nellie Harden:

to take something from our discussion that you can use to

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build the foundation of self love leadership in your own

Nellie Harden:

family. If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and

Nellie Harden:

especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an

Nellie Harden:

invitation to you to the best club in town. The family

Nellie Harden:

architects Club is a private club where intentional parents

Nellie Harden:

go that want to love support, connect or reconnect and really

Nellie Harden:

truly help guide their kids and teach them how to self lead in

Nellie Harden:

discipline and leadership. This is an online community and you

Nellie Harden:

are welcome to it. Parenting is a process object and you are the

Nellie Harden:

architect of this one. You plan you design and oversee the

Nellie Harden:

construction of the beginning of someone else's life. And that's

Nellie Harden:

what goes into these first 6570 days, and it will be the

Nellie Harden:

foundation for the rest of their lives. So come join the club,

Nellie Harden:

you can find your invitation on the front page of my website,

Nellie Harden:

Nelly hardin.com. That is N E ll ie H AR D n.com. Thank you again

Nellie Harden:

for being a part of this conversation today. And if

Nellie Harden:

something really resonated with you, or if you have a question,

Nellie Harden:

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so more and more families can be impacted by harnessing the

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strength of these ideas and tools in their own families. So

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thank you so much. Happy building you guys and I'll see

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