Artwork for podcast Eldercare Success
How Packrat Dad's Stuff Can Help You.
Episode 122 • 29th May 2024 • Eldercare Success • Nancy May, CareManity, LLC
00:00:00 00:19:20

Share Episode

Shownotes

Packrat Dad to the Rescue!

The best gift your parents can give you is a list of where things go.

What happens when your parents keep piling up the papers and never toss things away? In this episode of Eldercare Success, your host, Nancy May discussed how a parent’s packrat habits can work to your advantage in taking over caregiving responsibilities.  Nancy also dives into the challenges of packing and moving, especially when dealing with multiple households and inheriting items from parents. It also highlights the value of a list of where everything is and what parents want to be done with them, as one of the best gifts they can give. The episode concludes with tips on initiating family history conversations and the emotional significance of a parent's handwriting and personal notes.

Helpful Links:

 Host: Nancy May has gone from the Boardroom to the Emergency Room to care for her aging parents and educate business owners, corporate employees, and leaders with more strength and confidence in doing well and doing good.  Nancy is the five-star author of How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, After! and an award-winning expert in managing the complexities of caring for an aging parent or family member, even from over 1200 miles away, or more for a Free File-of-Life to www.howtosurvive911.com. 

Nancy is also the  Co-Founder of CareManity LLC and the private FaceBook group Eldercare Success.

Disclaimer: The views, perspectives, and opinions expressed in this show are those of the show guests and not directly those of the companies they serve or that of the host or the producer CareManity, LLC. The information discussed should not be considered medical, legal, or financial advice. Please seek advice from your own personal medical, legal, or financial advisors as each person’s situation is different. (c) Copyright 2024 CareManity, LLC all rights reserved. CareManity is a trademark of CareManity, LLC.

 #elderly #caregiver #longdistancecaregiver  #homecare #homehealthaide #carefacilities #elderlycare #traumasurgeon #fallprevention #elderlyfalls #agingparents #creativecaregiving #wordsthatheal #healinghearts #strangers #helpinghands #healthmonitoring #mentalmpactsofphysicaltrauma #burnout #worklifebalance #eldercaresuccess #caregivertips #meaningfulconnections #seniorentertainment #funforelderly #elderlyouttings #diningoutwithgrandparents #grandparents #elderlyactivities, #dementiaengagement



This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:

Podtrac - https://analytics.podtrac.com/privacy-policy-gdrp
Chartable - https://chartable.com/privacy

Transcripts

Nancy May:

Hello, everybody.

Nancy May:

It's Nancy May and Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May:

And I want to share that we're going to be moving in a few months and I'm packing

Nancy May:

and getting a lot of things in order.

Nancy May:

The challenges I'm packing up literally three households, our own from

Nancy May:

Connecticut, this stuff that we've created and collected here in Florida,

Nancy May:

my parents, what's been left behind that hasn't been distributed to myself or

Nancy May:

others, And the things that I purchased for our new home, like lighting fixtures

Nancy May:

and storage containers and all that stuff that you need to get for a house,

Nancy May:

especially when you want to make it yours.

Nancy May:

Oh, and don't forget my own office, podcast equipment, technical equipment

Nancy May:

and everything else that's piled up.

Nancy May:

It's a lot and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed here.

Nancy May:

The good news is that we'll have a lovely new home.

Nancy May:

The bad news is, I'm a pack rat, like my dad.

Nancy May:

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, is a true statement.

Nancy May:

At least in our household.

Nancy May:

he hated to get rid of things that he thought might be important.

Nancy May:

in fact, to make sure everything was in order just before he

Nancy May:

passed the way he wanted me to, I went through all his drawers.

Nancy May:

Now, there weren't a lot of files that he had, but, well, maybe there were a lot.

Nancy May:

There were about three or four drawers of things that he had collected to

Nancy May:

make sure that everything was in order and tidy to make my life easier

Nancy May:

as the POA and head of household.

Nancy May:

Well, not quite head of household because he was still with us.

Nancy May:

In any case, materials had just sort of multiplied.

Nancy May:

The one piece of paper with a couple of notes on it turned into

Nancy May:

Duplicates, triplicates, quadruplets, whatever you want to call it.

Nancy May:

And that was Dad.

Nancy May:

He wanted to make sure that everything was there and not lost.

Nancy May:

Dad also hated to toss things.

Nancy May:

I get that feeling, although sometimes it really feels good just to get

Nancy May:

rid of stuff because if it's not there, I probably won't need it.

Nancy May:

but in my dad's fashion, he would pack things up instead of

Nancy May:

tossing them and mail them to me.

Nancy May:

Out of sight, out of mind, he thought they were in good hands.

Nancy May:

Well that was fine and well and good until we moved from Connecticut to Florida.

Nancy May:

Wow.

Nancy May:

Getting rid of that stuff?

Nancy May:

Well, I have to tell you, I packed it and moved it back down to Florida.

Nancy May:

Oof!

Nancy May:

You might think I'm nuts, but now I'm going through some of that stuff.

Nancy May:

Some is being tossed and some is being saved.

Nancy May:

In the later years, my mom wasn't much better.

Nancy May:

One year, she insisted that we drive down to pick up things that were important.

Nancy May:

There was too much to ship, and it was far too expensive to do so.

Nancy May:

So, Bob and I packed up the dogs in a station wagon that we had

Nancy May:

bought from his dad before he moved.

Nancy May:

And off we went, all four of us, two dogs, Bob and me, and a station wagon.

Nancy May:

An empty one at that.

Nancy May:

Just to make sure we had enough room for everything that they needed to get rid of.

Nancy May:

after arriving, we learned the only things that mom and dad had for us

Nancy May:

were two relatively small boxes of old, glass, antique, tintype photo plates,

Nancy May:

and a few other tiny little things.

Nancy May:

Well, I guess I should have known something was off with mom then.

Nancy May:

But she seemed pretty normal other than that.

Nancy May:

And we had a boatload of fun together.

Nancy May:

She also insisted on going through all their things, labeling with

Nancy May:

sticky notes what went to me, what went to my sister, and what other

Nancy May:

things she'd want distributed later on when she couldn't do so herself.

Nancy May:

Going through those labels was tedious, exhausting, and sometimes just repetitive.

Nancy May:

I also got kind of exacerbated thinking, why are we doing this now?

Nancy May:

But I'm glad she did.

Nancy May:

With each label, we had a laugh, a story, and a share.

Nancy May:

Things of grandmas, things of great grandmas, things of her dads,

Nancy May:

stories that came up that they used to do when they were kids.

Nancy May:

And my dad watched happily to make sure that everything was in order.

Nancy May:

That was his job.

Nancy May:

To make sure he managed and oversaw things.

Nancy May:

And we had fun.

Nancy May:

Related to all of this, here's a little tip I want to share.

Nancy May:

Before things get really wonky, have a serious discussion with your siblings

Nancy May:

about what's important to them.

Nancy May:

I mean, family belongings, not just the love of mom and dad,

Nancy May:

because that's going to stay.

Nancy May:

However, belongings can get very personal and temperaments and anger

Nancy May:

and sibling rivalry will break out whether you want it or not.

Nancy May:

Unfortunately,

Nancy May:

knowing what's important to them.

Nancy May:

And knowing sometimes when to just give in and say it's not that important

Nancy May:

to me are keys to really keeping things better and tighter between

Nancy May:

the two of you, even if you're not that close after mom and dad pass.

Nancy May:

as you're going over things with mom and dad, sticky notes and all,

Nancy May:

take some time to discuss with them.

Nancy May:

What might happen if there are hard feelings between you and

Nancy May:

siblings, or if squabbles break out.

Nancy May:

I did this with my mom and my dad, both letting them know exactly what I

Nancy May:

thought might happen and how we can work together to resolve that before it does.

Nancy May:

It did work out pretty well.

Nancy May:

In the end, there wasn't really anything to worry about, but

Nancy May:

just talking it out in a way.

Nancy May:

What if, or scenario planning kind of style, helped me deal with the

Nancy May:

situation before there even was one.

Nancy May:

And luckily, there wasn't.

Nancy May:

Mom,

Nancy May:

wisdom, decided that she would make sure that my sister understood that

Nancy May:

I was the one they put in charge.

Nancy May:

And why?

Nancy May:

Without me knowing, she had written a note to my sister and put it in

Nancy May:

a sealed envelope that said, To be opened by Cindy upon my demise.

Nancy May:

Alright, I did find that before Mom passed and thought, Oh my God, I am SOL.

Nancy May:

What the hell did Mom say?

Nancy May:

I don't know whether she said anything or wrote anything down before she got

Nancy May:

a little wonky, or maybe afterwards.

Nancy May:

I just held my breath when that time came.

Nancy May:

thankfully she explained in a fully conscious manner that she loved us both

Nancy May:

and that she wanted to know that I, her older sister, would have her best

Nancy May:

interest at heart, which is of course true, and to please trust me with all

Nancy May:

the things that they had asked me to do.

Nancy May:

We had gone over these things for years, and as much as they might have been

Nancy May:

difficult for me then, it was even more difficult for me to make sure that I kept

Nancy May:

my emotions intact after they had gone.

Nancy May:

Following their wishes was the easy part.

Nancy May:

Keeping my head and my heart in my chest was the hardest part of all.

Nancy May:

One of the things that mom had asked me to do was to keep two watches.

Nancy May:

One was a great grandmother's and one was our grandmother's.

Nancy May:

They were beautiful, antique, sort of Victorian kind of watches,

Nancy May:

with little diamonds and a wristband that was kind of broken.

Nancy May:

My great grandmothers was to go to my sister, and grandmas was to go to me.

Nancy May:

Both were not in great working order.

Nancy May:

So, upon mom and dad's demise, I made sure both of them were beautifully

Nancy May:

restored and well taken care of.

Nancy May:

I even asked my sister to measure her wrist to make sure that great

Nancy May:

grandma's watch as tiny and teeny and frail as it was, would fit

Nancy May:

her wrist beautifully, and it did.

Nancy May:

There were other things that mom and dad had designated to us, including

Nancy May:

a list of a few things that changed.

Nancy May:

With their minds and attitudes later on.

Nancy May:

And that's okay.

Nancy May:

They have the right to change their minds at any time in their life.

Nancy May:

Those things were taken care of based on their wishes as well.

Nancy May:

It made cleaning out most of the household just a little bit easier on me.

Nancy May:

Because my sister was several states away.

Nancy May:

Getting rid of Mom and Dad's things after they're gone is going to be hard.

Nancy May:

Although I have to admit, clothing was the easiest.

Nancy May:

There are a few things that I still have, like a shirt of

Nancy May:

Mom's that I wear on occasion.

Nancy May:

It's getting a little threadbare now, but every time I put it on,

Nancy May:

I look at myself in the mirror and say, Ooh, I look like Mom.

Nancy May:

You know what?

Nancy May:

That's a good thing.

Nancy May:

and there's even a bottle jacket of Dad's that I got him.

Nancy May:

I still wear it when it gets cold in the AC here, and I love that one too.

Nancy May:

But some people actually make quilts out of the clothing

Nancy May:

of relatives who had passed.

Nancy May:

I think that's a little creepy.

Nancy May:

But I digress.

Nancy May:

Back to Pack Rat Dad.

Nancy May:

Right now, I'm going through old papers that I just didn't want to go through

Nancy May:

at the time that they had passed.

Nancy May:

And I thought, oh my dear, I'll just do this later.

Nancy May:

And I kept putting it off and off and off.

Nancy May:

There were a number of documents in the list that Dad had

Nancy May:

started and never finished.

Nancy May:

I love still just reading through his notes and what he was saying,

Nancy May:

just in case that time ever came.

Nancy May:

Let me share one that I just came across.

Nancy May:

It's dated from 2013.

Nancy May:

And typed in Dad's style.

Nancy May:

Which was one finger at a time.

Nancy May:

His handwriting was never that great.

Nancy May:

Even as a kid in camp, Dad would send off notes.

Nancy May:

And I loved getting those.

Nancy May:

But his handwriting was so rough or scrawly, that my entire cabin would

Nancy May:

get together and we'd have a game to figure out what was Dad really saying.

Nancy May:

and always apologize at the end, saying, Rushing off, I hope you're

Nancy May:

doing well, love you lots, and by the way, I hope you can read this.

Nancy May:

Well, not too well.

Nancy May:

But our entire cabin made sure that we all figured out one word, one letter,

Nancy May:

one page at a time, what my dad was sending me, and they all relished

Nancy May:

in receiving those notes as well,

Nancy May:

Because their parents didn't send as many notes as mine did.

Nancy May:

Thank you, Mom.

Nancy May:

Thank you, Dad.

Nancy May:

I love you for that and many other things as well.

Nancy May:

But let me show you what he had started.

Nancy May:

This one is dated January 14, 2013.

Nancy May:

Hi, Nance.

Nancy May:

I know I promised you a resume of moms and my lifestyle since you're

Nancy May:

the family delegate, quote unquote.

Nancy May:

I don't know what the exact title is, he noted.

Nancy May:

Just in case something happens to us.

Nancy May:

I really don't know where to start.

Nancy May:

However, he starts writing Audrey and Stuart May, their address, their phone

Nancy May:

number, their email address, it was always snail mail dad and email mom,

Nancy May:

mom's age, dad's age, and date of births.

Nancy May:

He also included social security numbers.

Nancy May:

Then he notes, I'll get to mom's later.

Nancy May:

We own our house completely, no mortgage, etc.

Nancy May:

He went over the details of that.

Nancy May:

Includes health.

Nancy May:

Mom's in pretty good shape.

Nancy May:

Mom has a cancerous growth on her tongue.

Nancy May:

And has had breast cancer, which was removed on her right breast.

Nancy May:

She does not exercise.

Nancy May:

I keep after her on that.

Nancy May:

He included her weight.

Nancy May:

He included his weight and how they maintain it and how they felt.

Nancy May:

You know, I have to laugh because dad was always after mom for not

Nancy May:

exercising or standing up straight, but she was always in pretty good shape.

Nancy May:

He also noted that they weren't currently active in any organization

Nancy May:

at the time, although I know my dad was pretty active in SCORE and the

Nancy May:

Chamber, because I have his awards from those days too, and he also

Nancy May:

noted that they were planning travels.

Nancy May:

He also explained they had been to 25 or 30 countries and how much they loved that.

Nancy May:

In addition, other information that I should know, where they were moving, where

Nancy May:

the bank branch was, how much they had in each account, and the list went on,

Nancy May:

including the name of the attorney that handled their wills, the accountant that

Nancy May:

they dealt with, the financial advisor.

Nancy May:

Who was a dirtball and I fired.

Nancy May:

And that I think we've covered in some episodes in the past, but we'll

Nancy May:

talk about that again later too.

Nancy May:

And then finally he notes, I know this is very clumsy, but contains

Nancy May:

important data for you and Cindy.

Nancy May:

Sorry for the mess.

Nancy May:

In dad fashion, he always said it, even if it was typewritten.

Nancy May:

Then he said, please make some extra copies for safekeeping.

Nancy May:

Thank you, background dad.

Nancy May:

He signs it.

Nancy May:

Lots of love, Dad.

Nancy May:

P.

Nancy May:

S.

Nancy May:

Mom hasn't seen this.

Nancy May:

She'd shoot me.

Nancy May:

I know this for the scribble.

Nancy May:

Although it wasn't scribble.

Nancy May:

It was typed.

Nancy May:

I'm trying to figure out our income tax now.

Nancy May:

What a mess.

Nancy May:

No luck on the house yet because they were trying to sell it.

Nancy May:

Say hi to Bob.

Nancy May:

And that was Dad's note.

Nancy May:

It was short, sweet, got to the details of what I needed to, and he actually

Nancy May:

included the scribbled out notes as a backup after he had typed it, to

Nancy May:

make sure that I had a copy of both.

Nancy May:

If you hear these papers rustling, those are both the

Nancy May:

scribbled copy and the typed copy.

Nancy May:

Gotta love him, and I still do.

Nancy May:

I love that my Dad did this.

Nancy May:

It was a peace of mind for him, and it gave me some sense of reassurance that

Nancy May:

I'd be able to handle things for him.

Nancy May:

When he couldn't.

Nancy May:

That said, I have to tell you, there is nothing that will prepare you 100

Nancy May:

percent for taking over this role of being the durable power of attorney,

Nancy May:

medical power of attorney, whatever your responsibility is in making

Nancy May:

sure that your parents last days and last wishes are followed out to a T.

Nancy May:

Well, as best you can.

Nancy May:

There is always going to be something that you don't do perfectly.

Nancy May:

Please do not worry about that.

Nancy May:

The only thing you need to worry about and be assured of is that you're doing

Nancy May:

your best and staying strong for them, for you, and for the rest of your family.

Nancy May:

My dad was a worrier in a silent kind of way, but always made sure

Nancy May:

that we never knew he worried.

Nancy May:

I kind of knew this towards the end.

Nancy May:

This was his way of caring for Mom and the rest of us, which I greatly appreciate.

Nancy May:

In the end, one of the best gifts our parents can give us is a list

Nancy May:

of where everything is, even if they don't know where everything is.

Nancy May:

Just a hint would help, at the very least.

Nancy May:

Ask them in a gentle way Even in a storytelling kind of way.

Nancy May:

How and where they want their possessions distributed.

Nancy May:

Even if those things don't go to you, it's okay.

Nancy May:

Understanding the stories and the reason why will give you peace of mind.

Nancy May:

It will also give them peace of mind.

Nancy May:

And, sometimes there are a few things that they just won't have

Nancy May:

control over after they're gone.

Nancy May:

That's okay.

Nancy May:

They have put their trust in you, and I know, and they know, you will do the

Nancy May:

best you can with what you have, so that you can do well for yourself, too.

Nancy May:

If you are having a tough time getting your folks to even start this process,

Nancy May:

please Consider having a family history conversation on your next visit with them.

Nancy May:

Go through family treasures, ask about stories behind them, and

Nancy May:

slowly ease into the conversation.

Nancy May:

Gee mom, have you ever thought, who might really want this when you're done?

Nancy May:

And why?

Nancy May:

Create stories of how you would use them or not if you're not interested,

Nancy May:

how your sister or your brother might enjoy them, or even their grandkids.

Nancy May:

It's the little things that count.

Nancy May:

and more important, it's the memories that you hold dear in

Nancy May:

your heart and in your head.

Nancy May:

Sometimes those get a little tough, because they never seem

Nancy May:

to slip out when you need them.

Nancy May:

and what you don't want is those memories to be tough and difficult,

Nancy May:

where there's a sense of remorse.

Nancy May:

kindness is what you're going to need the most here during the conversation

Nancy May:

with mom and dad and with yourself.

Nancy May:

If suspicious feelings start creeping in with them, which could very

Nancy May:

well be because you don't know what kind of state of mind they're in.

Nancy May:

Even if they're emotionally and physically strong, we all tend to overthink things.

Nancy May:

Back off or just be quiet and listen and let them have their rant.

Nancy May:

At the very least, you'll have a sense of understanding about their feelings

Nancy May:

and why they might be feeling that way.

Nancy May:

Finally, when they're gone, clearing out those old things and seeing their

Nancy May:

handwriting or even type written note, I can pretty much guarantee, will

Nancy May:

sometimes hurt your heart but will also make you feel pretty good and maybe

Nancy May:

smile again and just think, where would I be without dad typing that note, to

Nancy May:

make sure I could read his handwriting.

Nancy May:

Dad, if you're listening, thanks, I love you and I miss you dearly, but thank

Nancy May:

you for helping me to get through this well before you even left this earth.

Nancy May:

I know you did your best and I did my best too.

Nancy May:

That's it for another episode of Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May:

Before we go, would you do me a couple of favors?

Nancy May:

The first is, send me a note at EldercareSuccess.

Nancy May:

live.

Nancy May:

There's a blue tab on the right hand side of the page at EldercareSuccess.

Nancy May:

live

Nancy May:

That says, Send Nancy a voicemail note, or you can even send me a written message.

Nancy May:

Include your comments, Or a thought an idea of a subject

Nancy May:

that you'd like me to cover.

Nancy May:

If you've got a comment, leave that one there too.

Nancy May:

I'd love to air it on another show.

Nancy May:

Also, please subscribe to EldercareSuccess.

Nancy May:

live on any of your favorite listening platforms.

Nancy May:

and share this with friends or family members who just need a little

Nancy May:

extra help, or maybe even a stranger standing in line at Starbucks.

Nancy May:

It can be your gift to them, because it's my gift to you.

Nancy May:

And finally, if you have not gotten the book, How to Survive 911 Medical

Nancy May:

Emergencies, a step by step guide before, during and after, please go

Nancy May:

right on over to Amazon and get one for yourself, a family member, Or somebody

Nancy May:

that you know that's stressed out and is dealing with what do I do next?

Nancy May:

dialing 9 1 1 is something you're going to do a lot more than you ever realize.

Nancy May:

but you can survive when that happens too.

Nancy May:

With that, I hope you'll join me on future episodes of the Eldercare Success

Nancy May:

or Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May:

This is Nancy May, your host.

Nancy May:

Be well, stay well, and keep caring.

Nancy May:

Love to you all.

Nancy May:

Bye bye.

Chapters

Video

More from YouTube