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How Packrat Dad's Stuff Can Help You.
Episode 122 • 29th May 2024 • Eldercare Success • Nancy May, CareManity, LLC
00:00:00 00:19:20

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Packrat Dad to the Rescue!

The best gift your parents can give you is a list of where things go.

What happens when your parents keep piling up the papers and never toss things away? In this episode of Eldercare Success, your host, Nancy May discussed how a parent’s packrat habits can work to your advantage in taking over caregiving responsibilities.  Nancy also dives into the challenges of packing and moving, especially when dealing with multiple households and inheriting items from parents. It also highlights the value of a list of where everything is and what parents want to be done with them, as one of the best gifts they can give. The episode concludes with tips on initiating family history conversations and the emotional significance of a parent's handwriting and personal notes.

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 Host: Nancy May has gone from the Boardroom to the Emergency Room to care for her aging parents and educate business owners, corporate employees, and leaders with more strength and confidence in doing well and doing good.  Nancy is the five-star author of How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, After! and an award-winning expert in managing the complexities of caring for an aging parent or family member, even from over 1200 miles away, or more for a Free File-of-Life to www.howtosurvive911.com. 

Nancy is also the  Co-Founder of CareManity LLC and the private FaceBook group Eldercare Success.

Disclaimer: The views, perspectives, and opinions expressed in this show are those of the show guests and not directly those of the companies they serve or that of the host or the producer CareManity, LLC. The information discussed should not be considered medical, legal, or financial advice. Please seek advice from your own personal medical, legal, or financial advisors as each person’s situation is different. (c) Copyright 2024 CareManity, LLC all rights reserved. CareManity is a trademark of CareManity, LLC.

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Transcripts

Nancy May:

Hello, everybody.

Nancy May:

It's Nancy May and Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May:

And I want to share that we're going to be moving in a few months and I'm packing

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and getting a lot of things in order.

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The challenges I'm packing up literally three households, our own from

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Connecticut, this stuff that we've created and collected here in Florida,

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my parents, what's been left behind that hasn't been distributed to myself or

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others, And the things that I purchased for our new home, like lighting fixtures

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and storage containers and all that stuff that you need to get for a house,

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especially when you want to make it yours.

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Oh, and don't forget my own office, podcast equipment, technical equipment

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and everything else that's piled up.

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It's a lot and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed here.

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The good news is that we'll have a lovely new home.

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The bad news is, I'm a pack rat, like my dad.

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I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, is a true statement.

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At least in our household.

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he hated to get rid of things that he thought might be important.

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in fact, to make sure everything was in order just before he

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passed the way he wanted me to, I went through all his drawers.

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Now, there weren't a lot of files that he had, but, well, maybe there were a lot.

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There were about three or four drawers of things that he had collected to

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make sure that everything was in order and tidy to make my life easier

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as the POA and head of household.

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Well, not quite head of household because he was still with us.

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In any case, materials had just sort of multiplied.

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The one piece of paper with a couple of notes on it turned into

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Duplicates, triplicates, quadruplets, whatever you want to call it.

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And that was Dad.

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He wanted to make sure that everything was there and not lost.

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Dad also hated to toss things.

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I get that feeling, although sometimes it really feels good just to get

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rid of stuff because if it's not there, I probably won't need it.

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but in my dad's fashion, he would pack things up instead of

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tossing them and mail them to me.

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Out of sight, out of mind, he thought they were in good hands.

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Well that was fine and well and good until we moved from Connecticut to Florida.

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Wow.

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Getting rid of that stuff?

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Well, I have to tell you, I packed it and moved it back down to Florida.

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Oof!

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You might think I'm nuts, but now I'm going through some of that stuff.

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Some is being tossed and some is being saved.

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In the later years, my mom wasn't much better.

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One year, she insisted that we drive down to pick up things that were important.

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There was too much to ship, and it was far too expensive to do so.

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So, Bob and I packed up the dogs in a station wagon that we had

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bought from his dad before he moved.

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And off we went, all four of us, two dogs, Bob and me, and a station wagon.

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An empty one at that.

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Just to make sure we had enough room for everything that they needed to get rid of.

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after arriving, we learned the only things that mom and dad had for us

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were two relatively small boxes of old, glass, antique, tintype photo plates,

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and a few other tiny little things.

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Well, I guess I should have known something was off with mom then.

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But she seemed pretty normal other than that.

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And we had a boatload of fun together.

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She also insisted on going through all their things, labeling with

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sticky notes what went to me, what went to my sister, and what other

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things she'd want distributed later on when she couldn't do so herself.

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Going through those labels was tedious, exhausting, and sometimes just repetitive.

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I also got kind of exacerbated thinking, why are we doing this now?

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But I'm glad she did.

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With each label, we had a laugh, a story, and a share.

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Things of grandmas, things of great grandmas, things of her dads,

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stories that came up that they used to do when they were kids.

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And my dad watched happily to make sure that everything was in order.

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That was his job.

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To make sure he managed and oversaw things.

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And we had fun.

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Related to all of this, here's a little tip I want to share.

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Before things get really wonky, have a serious discussion with your siblings

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about what's important to them.

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I mean, family belongings, not just the love of mom and dad,

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because that's going to stay.

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However, belongings can get very personal and temperaments and anger

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and sibling rivalry will break out whether you want it or not.

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Unfortunately,

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knowing what's important to them.

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And knowing sometimes when to just give in and say it's not that important

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to me are keys to really keeping things better and tighter between

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the two of you, even if you're not that close after mom and dad pass.

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as you're going over things with mom and dad, sticky notes and all,

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take some time to discuss with them.

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What might happen if there are hard feelings between you and

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siblings, or if squabbles break out.

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I did this with my mom and my dad, both letting them know exactly what I

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thought might happen and how we can work together to resolve that before it does.

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It did work out pretty well.

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In the end, there wasn't really anything to worry about, but

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just talking it out in a way.

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What if, or scenario planning kind of style, helped me deal with the

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situation before there even was one.

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And luckily, there wasn't.

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Mom,

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wisdom, decided that she would make sure that my sister understood that

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I was the one they put in charge.

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And why?

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Without me knowing, she had written a note to my sister and put it in

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a sealed envelope that said, To be opened by Cindy upon my demise.

Nancy May:

Alright, I did find that before Mom passed and thought, Oh my God, I am SOL.

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What the hell did Mom say?

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I don't know whether she said anything or wrote anything down before she got

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a little wonky, or maybe afterwards.

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I just held my breath when that time came.

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thankfully she explained in a fully conscious manner that she loved us both

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and that she wanted to know that I, her older sister, would have her best

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interest at heart, which is of course true, and to please trust me with all

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the things that they had asked me to do.

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We had gone over these things for years, and as much as they might have been

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difficult for me then, it was even more difficult for me to make sure that I kept

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my emotions intact after they had gone.

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Following their wishes was the easy part.

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Keeping my head and my heart in my chest was the hardest part of all.

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One of the things that mom had asked me to do was to keep two watches.

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One was a great grandmother's and one was our grandmother's.

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They were beautiful, antique, sort of Victorian kind of watches,

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with little diamonds and a wristband that was kind of broken.

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My great grandmothers was to go to my sister, and grandmas was to go to me.

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Both were not in great working order.

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So, upon mom and dad's demise, I made sure both of them were beautifully

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restored and well taken care of.

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I even asked my sister to measure her wrist to make sure that great

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grandma's watch as tiny and teeny and frail as it was, would fit

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her wrist beautifully, and it did.

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There were other things that mom and dad had designated to us, including

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a list of a few things that changed.

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With their minds and attitudes later on.

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And that's okay.

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They have the right to change their minds at any time in their life.

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Those things were taken care of based on their wishes as well.

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It made cleaning out most of the household just a little bit easier on me.

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Because my sister was several states away.

Nancy May:

Getting rid of Mom and Dad's things after they're gone is going to be hard.

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Although I have to admit, clothing was the easiest.

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There are a few things that I still have, like a shirt of

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Mom's that I wear on occasion.

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It's getting a little threadbare now, but every time I put it on,

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I look at myself in the mirror and say, Ooh, I look like Mom.

Nancy May:

You know what?

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That's a good thing.

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and there's even a bottle jacket of Dad's that I got him.

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I still wear it when it gets cold in the AC here, and I love that one too.

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But some people actually make quilts out of the clothing

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of relatives who had passed.

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I think that's a little creepy.

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But I digress.

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Back to Pack Rat Dad.

Nancy May:

Right now, I'm going through old papers that I just didn't want to go through

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at the time that they had passed.

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And I thought, oh my dear, I'll just do this later.

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And I kept putting it off and off and off.

Nancy May:

There were a number of documents in the list that Dad had

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started and never finished.

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I love still just reading through his notes and what he was saying,

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just in case that time ever came.

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Let me share one that I just came across.

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It's dated from 2013.

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And typed in Dad's style.

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Which was one finger at a time.

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His handwriting was never that great.

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Even as a kid in camp, Dad would send off notes.

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And I loved getting those.

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But his handwriting was so rough or scrawly, that my entire cabin would

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get together and we'd have a game to figure out what was Dad really saying.

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and always apologize at the end, saying, Rushing off, I hope you're

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doing well, love you lots, and by the way, I hope you can read this.

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Well, not too well.

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But our entire cabin made sure that we all figured out one word, one letter,

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one page at a time, what my dad was sending me, and they all relished

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in receiving those notes as well,

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Because their parents didn't send as many notes as mine did.

Nancy May:

Thank you, Mom.

Nancy May:

Thank you, Dad.

Nancy May:

I love you for that and many other things as well.

Nancy May:

But let me show you what he had started.

Nancy May:

This one is dated January 14, 2013.

Nancy May:

Hi, Nance.

Nancy May:

I know I promised you a resume of moms and my lifestyle since you're

Nancy May:

the family delegate, quote unquote.

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I don't know what the exact title is, he noted.

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Just in case something happens to us.

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I really don't know where to start.

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However, he starts writing Audrey and Stuart May, their address, their phone

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number, their email address, it was always snail mail dad and email mom,

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mom's age, dad's age, and date of births.

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He also included social security numbers.

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Then he notes, I'll get to mom's later.

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We own our house completely, no mortgage, etc.

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He went over the details of that.

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Includes health.

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Mom's in pretty good shape.

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Mom has a cancerous growth on her tongue.

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And has had breast cancer, which was removed on her right breast.

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She does not exercise.

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I keep after her on that.

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He included her weight.

Nancy May:

He included his weight and how they maintain it and how they felt.

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You know, I have to laugh because dad was always after mom for not

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exercising or standing up straight, but she was always in pretty good shape.

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He also noted that they weren't currently active in any organization

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at the time, although I know my dad was pretty active in SCORE and the

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Chamber, because I have his awards from those days too, and he also

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noted that they were planning travels.

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He also explained they had been to 25 or 30 countries and how much they loved that.

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In addition, other information that I should know, where they were moving, where

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the bank branch was, how much they had in each account, and the list went on,

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including the name of the attorney that handled their wills, the accountant that

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they dealt with, the financial advisor.

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Who was a dirtball and I fired.

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And that I think we've covered in some episodes in the past, but we'll

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talk about that again later too.

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And then finally he notes, I know this is very clumsy, but contains

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important data for you and Cindy.

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Sorry for the mess.

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In dad fashion, he always said it, even if it was typewritten.

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Then he said, please make some extra copies for safekeeping.

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Thank you, background dad.

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He signs it.

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Lots of love, Dad.

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P.

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S.

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Mom hasn't seen this.

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She'd shoot me.

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I know this for the scribble.

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Although it wasn't scribble.

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It was typed.

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I'm trying to figure out our income tax now.

Nancy May:

What a mess.

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No luck on the house yet because they were trying to sell it.

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Say hi to Bob.

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And that was Dad's note.

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It was short, sweet, got to the details of what I needed to, and he actually

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included the scribbled out notes as a backup after he had typed it, to

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make sure that I had a copy of both.

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If you hear these papers rustling, those are both the

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scribbled copy and the typed copy.

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Gotta love him, and I still do.

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I love that my Dad did this.

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It was a peace of mind for him, and it gave me some sense of reassurance that

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I'd be able to handle things for him.

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When he couldn't.

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That said, I have to tell you, there is nothing that will prepare you 100

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percent for taking over this role of being the durable power of attorney,

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medical power of attorney, whatever your responsibility is in making

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sure that your parents last days and last wishes are followed out to a T.

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Well, as best you can.

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There is always going to be something that you don't do perfectly.

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Please do not worry about that.

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The only thing you need to worry about and be assured of is that you're doing

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your best and staying strong for them, for you, and for the rest of your family.

Nancy May:

My dad was a worrier in a silent kind of way, but always made sure

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that we never knew he worried.

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I kind of knew this towards the end.

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This was his way of caring for Mom and the rest of us, which I greatly appreciate.

Nancy May:

In the end, one of the best gifts our parents can give us is a list

Nancy May:

of where everything is, even if they don't know where everything is.

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Just a hint would help, at the very least.

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Ask them in a gentle way Even in a storytelling kind of way.

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How and where they want their possessions distributed.

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Even if those things don't go to you, it's okay.

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Understanding the stories and the reason why will give you peace of mind.

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It will also give them peace of mind.

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And, sometimes there are a few things that they just won't have

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control over after they're gone.

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That's okay.

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They have put their trust in you, and I know, and they know, you will do the

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best you can with what you have, so that you can do well for yourself, too.

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If you are having a tough time getting your folks to even start this process,

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please Consider having a family history conversation on your next visit with them.

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Go through family treasures, ask about stories behind them, and

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slowly ease into the conversation.

Nancy May:

Gee mom, have you ever thought, who might really want this when you're done?

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And why?

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Create stories of how you would use them or not if you're not interested,

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how your sister or your brother might enjoy them, or even their grandkids.

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It's the little things that count.

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and more important, it's the memories that you hold dear in

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your heart and in your head.

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Sometimes those get a little tough, because they never seem

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to slip out when you need them.

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and what you don't want is those memories to be tough and difficult,

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where there's a sense of remorse.

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kindness is what you're going to need the most here during the conversation

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with mom and dad and with yourself.

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If suspicious feelings start creeping in with them, which could very

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well be because you don't know what kind of state of mind they're in.

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Even if they're emotionally and physically strong, we all tend to overthink things.

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Back off or just be quiet and listen and let them have their rant.

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At the very least, you'll have a sense of understanding about their feelings

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and why they might be feeling that way.

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Finally, when they're gone, clearing out those old things and seeing their

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handwriting or even type written note, I can pretty much guarantee, will

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sometimes hurt your heart but will also make you feel pretty good and maybe

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smile again and just think, where would I be without dad typing that note, to

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make sure I could read his handwriting.

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Dad, if you're listening, thanks, I love you and I miss you dearly, but thank

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you for helping me to get through this well before you even left this earth.

Nancy May:

I know you did your best and I did my best too.

Nancy May:

That's it for another episode of Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May:

Before we go, would you do me a couple of favors?

Nancy May:

The first is, send me a note at EldercareSuccess.

Nancy May:

live.

Nancy May:

There's a blue tab on the right hand side of the page at EldercareSuccess.

Nancy May:

live

Nancy May:

That says, Send Nancy a voicemail note, or you can even send me a written message.

Nancy May:

Include your comments, Or a thought an idea of a subject

Nancy May:

that you'd like me to cover.

Nancy May:

If you've got a comment, leave that one there too.

Nancy May:

I'd love to air it on another show.

Nancy May:

Also, please subscribe to EldercareSuccess.

Nancy May:

live on any of your favorite listening platforms.

Nancy May:

and share this with friends or family members who just need a little

Nancy May:

extra help, or maybe even a stranger standing in line at Starbucks.

Nancy May:

It can be your gift to them, because it's my gift to you.

Nancy May:

And finally, if you have not gotten the book, How to Survive 911 Medical

Nancy May:

Emergencies, a step by step guide before, during and after, please go

Nancy May:

right on over to Amazon and get one for yourself, a family member, Or somebody

Nancy May:

that you know that's stressed out and is dealing with what do I do next?

Nancy May:

dialing 9 1 1 is something you're going to do a lot more than you ever realize.

Nancy May:

but you can survive when that happens too.

Nancy May:

With that, I hope you'll join me on future episodes of the Eldercare Success

Nancy May:

or Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May:

This is Nancy May, your host.

Nancy May:

Be well, stay well, and keep caring.

Nancy May:

Love to you all.

Nancy May:

Bye bye.

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