Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

In this conversation, Robb and Tina discuss the topic of when to stay and when to go in a relationship. They explore the importance of commitment and communication, as well as the need for balance and mutual support. They also touch on the challenges of ending a long-term relationship and the impact of mental and verbal abuse. The conversation emphasizes the significance of caring for each other's well-being and recognizing when a relationship has reached its expiration date. The conversation explores the complexities of staying in or leaving a relationship. It discusses the importance of self-worth, communication, and finding a partner who aligns with your values and goals. The speakers share personal experiences and insights into the challenges and decisions involved in staying or going. They emphasize the need for open and honest communication, the willingness to change and grow together, and the importance of finding a safe and supportive space within the relationship.

Explicit

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This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Wisted. I am Rob along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I'm hanging in there Rob. We made it through the eclipse this morning and nobody died.

Yeah, I did see that. It was quite bizarre. There was people at my work looking at it. So he gave me the glasses to look. It was quite an interesting thing. It wasn't a full eclipse here. Really? Yeah, I don't know.

They allowed school to be out today.

Yeah, because of they were worried about what was going to happen with the eclipse. I didn't understand that we have eclipses often, like often enough.

Yeah. Yeah. This is a, was like a pretty bizarre one though. It was like, it wasn't a full eclipse, at least not in California. Well, in other places in the country it was. So, you know.

Right.

There was a lot of gloom and doom on social media and I was, I always think, try to think rationally, okay, scientifically what's gonna happen? Like, the sun's gonna be covered by the moon and then it's gonna keep going and everything's gonna go back to being just as it was. It's gonna light up again and life will go on. But then there's the emotional side of all this stuff that they keep posting, like, oh, there's gonna be these earthquakes and there's gonna be these, you know, these terrible.

Yeah.

storms and stuff and it didn't happen. So I just I was grateful that I have the wherewithal to just think okay scientifically let's start there.

Doom and gloom.

Yeah, you know, like anything you look at today is doom and gloom. So it's not just that. I agree, totally agree. So we were ramming through our things to talk about as always. And...

Right? That's why I'd rather not look at it.

Yeah.

It came up that, you know, I mean, we do a lot of relationship things on here, because obviously people that are close to us that we talk to have different experiences. So we bring it here. Um, and I, and I, you came up and said, what about this? And I said, yeah, I think that that's a good one because I think it is important. Um, this is a important topic. It's when to stay and when to go in a relationship.

And in all parts, I think it should be marriage. You should have a point in that one if you're in a committed relationship or if you're dating. There's many steps to what is it that you're willing to go through or take and when do you finally say goodbye? Or when do you go, look, I wanna commit to this and I need to know you're committed?

because those are both two important things as we get.

uh older yeah you know the older you get the the more what you're looking for i think our tolerance levels at an age is also something that we have to throw in because i think that younger people are a tad bit um uh more tolerant in probably taking things because their options are more open.

Mm -hmm.

I mean, I think we have to kind of look both sides of that.

Okay, let's... I think when I went through it, well, at the end of a few women's lives in my family, I saw that they were just so freaking miserable. And I didn't want to be like that. So when I started getting to the point where I was unhappy more often than I was happy in the situation, that's when I decided to do it.

Um, uh.

But it was not without the hugest burden on my chest almost. It came with a lot of impact for me. But that's when I decided to do it, when I couldn't find my happy. That was important to me.

I think that, you know, I mean, me too. And I probably didn't do it a lot when I was younger. We kind of talked about on air where I probably, or off air, a lot of things that I let slide probably in my 20s. Where, you know, because you're looking for something different and I probably wasn't looking for a super serious relationship. I, you know, I've...

Mm -hmm.

I haven't had a lot of short relationships, generally a year or more. You know, so I think that there's something to that. So for me, I was always like, look, I want to have something kind of steady. I like that setting. I like to have that in my life where I know things are set. Yeah.

you have your person.

I think that now things, you know, look, we've talked about social media a bazillion times. You know, as soon as shit goes sideways, now people start shopping on the internet for humans. You know, they're like, this isn't good. I can go over here or you turn your dating app back on because it's that easy to do, or you've never turned it off. So I think knowing when...

to stay and when to leave is obviously a personal choice, but you have to think about the timing of how long you're willing to stay and how long you're not. You know what I mean?

Mm -hmm.

I think to keep going. I just think that it's, you know, look personal choice is always going to come into the matter because you're looking for someone who's like you. And if you think that their relationship can go somewhere, you're always going to fight harder for it.

I... Go ahead.

was true. I don't necessarily look for people like me because I don't think I'd want to date me. I don't think I'd want to be married to me either.

Um.

Oh, okay. That's that's different.

I mean...

You don't you think so? I don't know. I just feel like I come I come with my own stuff that I don't even want to deal with. So why would anybody else? There's that part. But not only that, but could most men that I've encountered, they're they're not big on communicating. And I talk and communicate and that

Mm -hmm.

that normally I, you know, you could tell, you could see the look on their face and they're just like, shut up, or I don't want to do this with you and I get shut down and I get it. You know, my dad does that to me. It's kind of funny, but he's always done that to me. But then later he knows I'm going to catch up with him. He is, for me, it's not that it's not that it's not dropping it. It's like, okay, dad, we need to finish what we started because.

Right.

Hehehehehe

There doesn't need to be resentments and if it's if I'm doing something that I could change I obviously would but at the same time, you know Communicate with me so that I understand because it I don't want to do something to piss him off on purpose You know, I'm not 18 anymore, you know, it's it's um You know it i'm trying to

Mm -hmm.

I don't want to say be his friend because I like being his daughter, but I don't want to, you know, we don't need to piss him off anymore. I'm not 18, you know, so there's stuff like that that, uh, but I don't think I'd want to, I don't know. I'm a lot. I don't, I'm not for anybody. And I've been told that my whole life. So I don't think I'd want to date me.

Mm -hmm. Right.

I think that if you look at it from the standpoint of that, everyone's a lot, right? We've talked about it a bazillion times on here as well, and I'll pound it into everything. The person I wanna be with is my 90%. I understand that 10 % is gonna be arguments. They're gonna be arguments, and there's gonna be disagreements, and there's gonna be...

Yeah.

I didn't think of it that way, but I get that.

times where your morality for what you believe in might be questioned between the two of you. But it's the 90 % that should be able to sit down and go, this is what I meant by what I said. I didn't mean it to offend you. What do you think? Or, you know, um, I, if, if a woman comes to me and says, look, um, everything about you is, is good except for this and this and this.

and it's not a deal breaker, but you know, this is what I'm looking for. I should be man enough to go, yeah, that's not me. I need to go. Or I need to be man enough to go, that is who I am. I've been lacking and say it. The problem on both sides are that most people are afraid to admit that they're not stepping up to the plate or

Mm -hmm.

it's gotten complacent and they're like, yeah, but you've been okay with this for a year or two. And now you're complaining. Well, no, I generally it's subtle complaining. At least it was in my marriage. Um, and I ignored it. So I think now I take those things very seriously now.

Mm -hmm.

You know, the next person I'm with, I want her to be able to come to me and say, hey, I really am looking for you to do this, whatever that is, and let's be able to discuss it and vice versa. You know, I want to be in the masculine role. I want a feminine girlfriend, wife. And that's the other thing too. I think that I'm looking to get married again at some point. I've...

Mm -hmm.

I had, I've had a good run of, well, the boy was six and he's 21 now, you know, and, and look, I have, I dated yes, but nothing more than five or six months. And, um, even the last time I dated, you know, I had other feelings for someone that I couldn't be with. So I probably wasn't in that relationship a hundred percent either.

Being single.

But I think I'm at a place now where, yeah, if I get into something, my plan is to be with someone for good. I mean, at least I would like that.

For good is different than marriage though. Cause I'm all for the for good part. It's the marriage that kind of scares me again. Cause I really did feel trapped. I felt like, I felt like it lost something and I'd rather not feel that anymore. You know, I'd, I'd rather come from a different place and maybe I could just because I've gone through it, but I don't know. The marriage thing still is not, not what I'm in it for.

No but I -

Yeah.

Yeah.

I, staying with somebody for the rest of my life and being committed and doing all that, absolutely. The whole marriage, I don't know. I could, I could probably do without it.

Yeah, I like the idea of marriage. And look, do you have to have a piece of paper? No, but I love the idea of rings and showing your love. I would get married again. I have nothing to take. What are you gonna take from me? And there's no kids involved for child support. If you're not in it for the love,

Mm -mm.

You're right.

That's your time to go. I don't know if I sent you a video. Did I send you the video of the girl like screaming about being in a relationship? If I haven't, I need to send it to you. But her whole thing is just like, it's about love. It's not about if he can do all this shit for you and it's not if she can do all this stuff. It's love. It's either love or it's nothing. And I kind of agree that love is what gets you through the hard times.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm, you did.

You know what I mean? Like you have to be able to look over at your significant other or mate or husband or wife and go, I'm fighting because there's no one else I want to be with. If you're not, if you're not in it for that, to me, you're in it for the wrong reason. The whole point is that that's what we are as people. Human beings need to need love and commitment and to be in a partnership.

That's how we're built. And we've been built like this for thousands of years. Only recently have we been trying to change that. You know, men are toxic, feminists are, you know, you don't need men. We're slowly pushing both sides apart to where it's not gonna matter, right? Women go, I don't need a man. I can do all my shit on my own and blah, blah, blah.

Mm -hmm.

And then men are like, if they're at all masculine, they're being told it's toxic, it's horrible, don't be like that. No, masculinity is, we've talked about it on another podcast. There's both sides. Femininity and masculinity can be very toxic. The middle ground is finding what it is you're looking for.

Or finding the balance is what it is. If somebody's super uber masculine, he might want to get somebody that's super, super feminine to find balance. Or somebody who's not masculine may want somebody who's more on the masculine side. Because really, in a relationship, it is finding balance. There needs to be...

Mm -hmm.

a give and take sort of situation in order for it to work.

Correct. I agree with that. I think that if you're...

Oh, I'm gonna get heat from our female listeners. If you're more of a submissive person, you need to have a more dominant, you know, other side that.

partner.

on either way. If you're a submissive man, you gotta have a more dominant woman. And if you're a submissive woman, you have to have a more dominant man. And that's not just, you know, however you are thinking that. It's just, look, some women want to make sure that the men are leading the way. And that's a dominant trait. Whatever the leading the way is to you, because that also can be taken different ways.

Mm -hmm.

Me in general, I want to have someone who is very feminine, is a girly girl is fine, but I also want a girl who can sit on the couch with me in sweatpants or leggings with no makeup on and be my friend.

But feminine shouldn't be used with submissive because that's not the case. Those are very different traits.

No, not at all.

Yes, the definitions run together. You're right, you don't have to be submissive to be feminine. You can be ultra feminine and be ultra dominant. There's without a doubt, I've seen them in person. And like I said, I don't want a super submissive girl. I don't want her to just go, whatever you say. I want someone to communicate with me, but I want them to know that I'm gonna take care of shit if it has to get done.

Mm -hmm.

Yes, yes.

And that should go both ways, like the man and the woman in the relationship, or let's just say the partners, because not every relationship is man and woman. There needs to be on both sides, you know, if something were to happen, the other person's got them. That's what creates the security. That's what creates the tight bond. That's what brings loyalty is by knowing that a

that you have a person's back and they have yours. And that's the start of making a good friendship, relationship, marriage. Yeah. Yeah.

Everything, any kind of relationship, exactly. So we're talking about when to say or when to go, right? So obviously there's levels of both of that, I think on either side. Or like you said, right before we got on, or when to just do nothing.

Yeah.

There are things inside all three of those. And again, throwing physical abuse aside, because that should be pretty basic to you have to go, right? I've seen lately more and more mental abuse being thrown away or thrown towards people.

both sides. The the mental and verbal abuse has skyrocketed to friends of mine that.

Well, I think because people aren't held accountable for shitty behavior, you know, we we now put a stamp on it and give it a give it an excuse. So everybody has an out. But ultimately, when you have a partner, you don't want an out. You want to fix what's broken. And if they're not, if somebody is not willing to go that route, then that's kind of the end of it right there.

Yeah, no, I agree. I look there's I think we all take certain things though, right? We all take a certain amount of abuse because we look at them like I love them for this or you know, whatever it is, I think we've all taken it. I've taken abuse probably more than I should have with certain people just because I

Me too.

I thought that the brighter side of that was better. And I don't know. I think that it's, there's an.

Look, even with kids, you take abuse as a parent. You get the worst of the worst from your children. You could get taken advantage of at your work. And there are so many things that go on that you do take, and you're supposed to take. Nobody's perfect. And you work with the person that you could work with. That doesn't make them perfect. It just means somebody that you're willing and capable of working with as they are you. And...

Mm -hmm.

When that stops, when the caring ends, when the want to do better isn't there, that kind of is a sign you're past your expiration date. You know, I think in any relationship, yeah, in any relationship when you quit caring, when you quit trying, when you quit communicating, when there's no more passion, like what...

Right. That's a good way of looking at it.

What's what is coming out? What good would come out of that? There isn't. So I think when when that level is hit, you're kind of just spinning your wheels.

Yeah, to me, walking away is always hard. I don't care who you are, generally, because there is, you're always looking of the good part of it, right? Oh man, things were so good then. And it's, I think it's even harder when it's a long relationship. You know, like you were with your husband a long time. I mean, I only made it, well,

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

22 years.

I only made it six married, but we were together ten. So, you know, you do look back and go, fuck, you know, this was good. Like, why did it go wrong?

I think you're always going to do that. You know, when you're pissed off, you can't see anything good. Let's face it. When you're pissed off, you're pissed off. You got an agenda and you're going to make sure it happens. So of course you're pissed off. When you get out of that situation and you could look at it from the outside looking in, you could see that it's not as bad or maybe it's worse depending on your view, you know, and then you go from that. But...

Mm -hmm.

Hopefully you don't let it get to the point where it's so bad, you know, you can't even be in the same room with the person. But how often does that happen? Happens a lot because people overstay their welcome in a relationship.

Mm -hmm.

You know, yeah, and I'd like to ask, you know, if there was anything I could probably ask my ex -wife, I would like to know the real when, because I know it was way sooner than it happened, just by little things that were said. But again, I think I've already learned my lesson from that one. So.

maybe it's just one of those things. Like I probably, I don't need to know. I shouldn't, I just think it would be interesting to be like, this is when it broke. I don't think it matters now. Cause like I said, however many, you know, 14 years or however many years.

I know that when it broke for you, it was not when it broke for her. Everybody's different. Everybody. And I don't, I don't just say that because I know the situation that you were in. I say that because everybody's breaking point is different and everybody goes through something different that finally, I don't know, for me, it was like when my heart was broken enough that I couldn't find it again. That was when I knew it was over and it wasn't even.

Correct.

It wasn't even big things. It kind of was. But noticeably, when what bothered me was a lot of little things that had just built up because we weren't taking care of the big things. And that was that was not a good thing to do. You know, it's like work. Working at being a good partner has to always happen.

And when you quit doing that, when you quit trying, when you quit putting in effort, when you don't think it matters, when you feel defeated, that's when it all ends.

Right. That's a great point. That's the words you just said were exactly the most truth when you stop trying it all and you just, that's it. I don't, there's no more, I think you just finished the podcast at 25 minutes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know that because there is that limit.

You surrender.

And you're welcome. Let's go eat dinner.

And but and it may take a long time to get there. It may take 20 years to get there. It may take five. It may take two. But you're right. When you finally hit that that fork in the road of hurt or, you know, disrespect or whatever it is, you're right. I think it the train is so far off the tracks. You you're walking the other direction. Um.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Even if you're even if you're holding hands with your mate, you're walking in the wrong direction. It's um It was interesting to me. Like I think of a dozen times maybe we should have called it quits over the years and and truly Like taking inventory of my own shit looking at when we should have Let it go or when we should have Set each other free because that's how I like to look at it. I really feel like I

He set me free and I feel that I set him free. And I, to this day, I look so grateful at that situation that we knew before we hated each other. We knew before way before that we knew before it got disgusting. Cause I've seen couples just, wow, they get so out of control. It's, it's, it's embarrassing to watch.

You know, I'm glad we didn't go through that. I'm glad we sat there and said, yeah, we're done. We're done.

Right. No, there is something to that because I've, I've saw a friend of mine right now go through something and it's, and it's ugly, like ugly, ugly. And, and it didn't have to be, um, because there were kind of warning signs between them, uh, to the point where it had been over months and trying to get people out of houses and, and do things. And, and I think that even in that, because, um,

Yeah.

Mm -mm.

Hikes.

She cares. And I think we all do. I mean, even with my ex -wife, I care.

Yeah, if you're with a partner for a long time, how do you, you could be pissed off and everything, but how do you not care about their wellbeing? You're always gonna care about their wellbeing. You may not wanna deal with them.

Yeah, it's, it's correct. And I think that there's a limit to that well -being, right? Like when it first happens, it's like, look, it's not working. I want you, you know, you need to go, I'm sorry. It's not going to work out. And then if, you know, man, we have a way of fucking continuing to try to get back or whatever.

Um, then you end up saying something and that hurts them and they say something back and then now you're throwing rocks at each other and there's no fixing it and, and no one wants to deal with it. Um, not the whole narcissistic behavior. I've looked a lot into it and follow pages and listen to other pods and you know,

A lot of it is men and I won't say that none of them are women because that would be an utter lie. But...

Yeah, I think we're, I think it's both. We'll just say it's both. Takes two to tango.

Yeah, but I definitely think that men have a, we do it a different way. However we do it. Yeah, we totally do it a different way. And I've seen, the funny thing is, is without getting too personal because it's my friend down the street and I don't wanna get too into it, but the person left, right? Finally moved out, still texting back and forth. But.

By far, I'll give you that.

left things behind and said, I'll come get them because I need to pay you back for something. And that's what I told her. I said, listen, this is what it is. And she's like, look, and she's a great person. And she goes, no, I'm going to do it this way. And I said, cool. I think that's great. I hope he pays you. When he comes to get this stuff, make sure there's somebody there.

because I need to keep the foot in the door.

And at first she took it the wrong way because we were doing it via text and you know how we all interpret text messages. She goes, no, no, no, everything will be fine. He's not like that. And I go, no, no, no, no. Have somebody there so there's no conversation. Then it becomes a situational thing of you're here to get this, get your shit, give me mine and leave. Then there's no long conversations. There's no heartfelt discussions. There's no nothing.

It's very much black and white. And I've seen it before with other things, but men, we're horrible. We leave things behind purposely. So we have to have contact. Yeah, probably.

Mm -hmm.

meant women do too. Everybody does. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Everybody does. And even it's funny because if you leave something and it's not meant, it's still looked at like you're doing something wrong. So it's like, yeah, men and women do it. Let's just go with that.

Yeah, but but I told her I go look and other things have happened since then and now things are off the rails and this guy's a work of art. That's the best way of putting it without burying the poor fella. But he's you know, he's done stuff dirty, so she has already the train is off the rails and that's good. And I think she can heal and she can do her own thing.

But I've seen people in marriages that, like you said, with kids try to keep this thing together because, for the wrong reasons. You know, oh, let's either, let's get married for the kids, which is a whole other monster. We have to stay together for the kids because we think it's better for them. Whatever that is. And then I've seen where...

it just goes off the rails as well when they're getting married and they already know it's over. And I've seen it. And now, and don't get me wrong, the one I'm talking about was a tumultuous relationship as well. But I think that at the end they were like, hey, let's just try this. We've been together for the kids and then...

other things happen and now it's out of control again. So it's the freeway, right, that you got to get off of because you know it's the best for everyone involved. It's a hard decision. Nobody wants to stay, but hope is a wild drug. You know, hope. Yeah, because, yeah, or you hope things go back to the way they were or you hope that

Mm -hmm.

Hope.

You like you hope things get better or you hope.

that the situation will change because I love them more. No, I agree. I'm just saying the mental state of hope is why people stay in these long things because...

Hope doesn't change things though, action does.

And do you think it's that? I don't think it was hope for me. I think it was not having a plan. I think it was financial. I think it was I was raised that when you make a commitment or when you make a promise, you don't break it. I think it's like for me, it was so many different reasons. It wasn't hope. Hope for me wasn't one of them.

My want didn't happen, but I don't think that was hope.

I think my, at the time of my divorce, I, I know other things now, so that will change the way I'm about to tell you. But I did hope that it got better because I wanted to be a different person and I wanted to be better. And, and then I did change and I got shit on for that because too little too late. So.

Again, I think once things are to a certain point, there's no return. Regardless, even if you change now, the person that you're with is like, why didn't you change a year ago? We wouldn't be in this situation. It's like, well, yeah, I understand that, but fuck.

Mm -hmm.

But on that end too, if you want it to work out at some point, you have to acknowledge the person is trying and that they're not perfect nor are you and work with that instead of, oh, well, too little too late. That's kind of, I get it. I get it because I've lived through that. But at the same time, if you don't give a person a break for continuing to try, like that's not fair either.

Mm -hmm. All right.

Yeah, I agree. I think it's the point of no return though. Like if you're... Okay, I'm assuming that the relationship has been rocky and this is not based on anyone real. This is just hypothetical. Some point during that relationship, somebody said, this is bothering me. And the person usually changes for a very short amount of time and slowly goes back to what they were doing.

Mm -hmm.

And the person goes, oh yeah, this is, you know, he's trying, he's trying and ah, fuck, it's back to normal. But you know, you're, you're paying your mortgage, your kids are doing okay. You're going, you know, things are just, so you don't want to rock the boat, but you're like, you know, things are good every blue moon and we have good times on the weekends. You know, sometimes we have a rocky during the week. I had a bad day, she had a bad day, but all in all,

so you don't want to rock the boat.

It's not bad. But those, this bothers me ends up being four or five of them. And the person keeps going back to the same thing very slowly. By the time you get to number six, it's far too late. And when you do change and you change for three, four, five months, the resentment is already there. And you've already decided in your head,

You know six months before that it was over you just staying

But see that the attitude in which like, yeah, it's the same thing. It's this, it's that. Like it was over with that attitude. It's when when you quit trying, it's just over. That's when it's time to go. Quit trying. I got to go. It's hand in hand.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, because that's the only way you're gonna rebuild your own life is to be able to go, okay, I gotta get out of this. And that's whatever it is. If you're holding on for something that you don't think is ever really gonna happen, but you're just hoping, it's probably not gonna happen. You're either going to push the narrative forward and go, look, we've been together two years, where do you wanna do with this? Because I'm at a tipping point in my life that,

You're either going to shit or get off the pot. And sometimes you have to say that to somebody and go, I can't, I can't wait around forever. And it's, it's unfortunate. And if you're already in a relationship and you're married, I don't want to be like this forever.

Right. That's exactly it.

There's, those are the two things. You know, I just, and I think that those both walk in at hands. Cause if you're, if you go to somebody and say, I don't want to be like this forever, or I'm sorry, if, you know, I want to move this forward, I can't do this forever. That should translate into marriage. You decide, okay, we're going to do this. Now you get into the next stage. Let's say you get married from then on. It's, I don't want to do this forever.

at the drop of the worst feelings that you're having. And I don't think people do that. They go, okay, well, we got married and things are okay and they're taking along. It's like, no, if something bothers you, we need to discuss it. It doesn't need to be a full on fight. I don't want to fight with my spouse. I want to communicate. And I want them to be able to come to me with the utmost respect for each other and go, hey, I really want this to keep working. And how do we get there? And we've talked about it before.

It can be therapy, it can be communication within yourself, it can be if you're religious, you can, there's many ways to get to where you need to be.

You also got to keep in mind that if you're you're changing, if you're changing, everybody around you has to change as well. It's almost like gears in a watch. Like if you're moving at a certain pace and then you change up the pace, every other gear has to accommodate that move. And that's very, very, um,

It's also the same in a relationship. Like you want to continue to grow and you want to evolve as a person because you should. That's what life is about. But you want your partner to be on that same plane with you. Maybe not learning the same exact lessons, but going down the same path. And if you're not going down the same path, which was my case, like we were just going in different directions. You can't be together and do that.

Mm -hmm.

that you still need to be a watch. You know, you still need to be working together. And I think that that's another tall, tall sign when you're not working together.

Mm -mm.

Yes.

Yeah, I agree. And look, you'll know. Like I said, looking back on my, my marriage, I, I dropped the ball along the way. And as much as people like to say it's a two way street, and it is, I take the brunt of my, my marriage. I was in a different place. I was, I was childish a lot of the times. I

didn't know what I think I wanted at the time. And I think that she did. And I've said it on here before, she was 40 years old and decided I didn't want to be in the place I am at 40 and decided to change it. Awesome, I give her the utmost respect because I've seen people around me that didn't. I worked with somebody who was in a horrible marriage.

for probably, well, they'd been, they had been together since she was like 17, but I think married, they were married like 12 years. And it was, and I mean, fucking horrible. Like drag out, fighting each other, drunk all the time, horrible. And this continued down this, because they were, they had a share of toxic behavior that was probably the thing that kept them together, but also made them the worst. So they would get.

Mm -mm.

Mm -hmm.

they would get drunk together and have a good time and then someone would say something and it would set them off the fucking deep end. And you know, the fucking police would get called and there'd be, you know, fights.

I mean that would spiral. Yup.

I'm so grateful I never did that.

So, you know, and then of course I talked about the one person, a really good friend of mine that was in a loveless marriage for 17 years, but stayed because of the kids and she didn't have to work. So she was being taken care of, but was unhappy and would tell me about like how unhappy she is. And I was like, and I felt for her because I understood, I was going through a divorce at the time. So we talked a lot about.

Mm -hmm.

It's odd because it doesn't seem like that long just and that's knowing her I've really Got to know her within the last like six years almost seven so our relationship has blossomed there about really kind of knowing each other, but you know, I was going through a divorce and and Not too long after that she did and I remember I messaged her and it's funny because she didn't remember but I remember messaging her on Facebook saying like

Hey, everything's going to be okay. You know, I went through it and blah, blah. And, um, she probably still doesn't remember, but you know, I remember going, wow, like, this is the same, you know, I used to talk to her at, uh, events that we went to, like we were both married at the same time. And you know, we, everyone seemed happy, but I bet you deep down inside, neither of us were at that time. So it.

it's a very bizarre thing to think that we're all kind of living in that bubble to where no one knows. No one knows if you're upset or going through a bad marriage because we all wear this weird mask and everyone's afraid to decide to stay or go. And because no one wants to be alone. I mean, as much as people say that they're OK on their own, like, I don't know.

Yeah.

We're not built that way. We're built as a community animal and we, I, do I miss being with somebody? Sure as shit. I miss certain things about it, but I haven't done it in a long time and that scares me. So there's, there's parts of that that even scare me of going, well, you know, am I so independent now that I'm always going to be thinking I just don't need anybody anymore.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Absolutely.

Mmm.

Or or am I going to be like, am I going to go into this next thing going, man, I really like this person. We communicate. Well, we do these things. Like I really want to work on finding out who this person is and let go of that independence because I want to forward with the person I like. So that that's the stay or go for people that are like me. Like, what do I do? Like, you know, cause.

right?

Mm -hmm.

That kind of scares me. I haven't been with somebody in a serious relationship in a long time. First of all, do I know how to do it anymore? Because I'm so used to like...

I don't think it's all that difficult though really. Things haven't changed that much, you know? Unless you want to date a 20 year old, then all bets are off on that.

Probably not. No, but I mean, oh, fuck it. Or did he did it? Won't go that down that road. I told you, five years is the least I'll go. I won't, I, no, I don't want, I want someone who is mature in their daily duties, but likes to say fuck and likes to giggle and wants to dance in the kitchen and.

I hear ya.

Yeah.

wants to have a fun time and still be mentally 12, but be an adult when you have to be. That's the best kind of relationship. Those are the type of relationships that you don't wonder about staying or going because you know the person next to you is, the mentality is, hey, let's have some fun still. When it comes to life, we turn the life switch on. We have to, you know,

Mm -hmm.

Right?

watch the grandchildren, we have to pay the bills, we have to make sure we get our oil changed, we have to do all that home maker adult shit. But when we don't have to, it's fun to flip that switch off and, you know, eat.

And you should make fun to have a lighter side with your partner for sure.

Yeah, yeah. And look, sometimes you got to get up on a Saturday morning and, you know, eat a fucking bowl full of bacon and watch a movie and just not be an adult for a day and let that settle in. To me, that's what makes it's difficult. That's the other problem because some people aren't built like that. But sometimes you have to go to your partner.

Hmm.

I don't know if I could do that.

Mm -hmm.

and go, we need a fucking day off. And whatever that is, let's get in the car and go to a spa. Let's drive to San Diego and find a stupid restaurant and go to the pier or whatever it is. Whatever your thing is, you have to be able to disappear from reality for a little bit because reality is always going to be there. These are the things to me that that will make you not have to worry about staying and going because the middle lane.

Yeah.

Absolutely. Mm -hmm.

is not complacent. The middle lane is we know what we're doing and we're building.

Well, yeah. And when when you're all stressed out and when it feels like everything's just turning against you, you should you should definitely take time to be with your mate because that should be your safe place. That should be your your where you go to to recharge a little bit. Not that not that they're going to take away your stress, stress or your pressures or whatever it is, but it's a.

I know when I get really stressed, I need that time. I need that. Can we check out for just a little bit because I feel like I'm going to pop or the pressure is too high or, you know, I just need that safe place. And I know when I have that, I do really good with pressure and stress. When I don't have that, I struggle with it.

Yeah, I have a very weird way of dealing with stress. I just don't give a fuck and it's done me pretty well. And I'm in a different place financially and I don't work like that anymore. But when I was young, I was like, whatever, I'll make it work. So I kind of still have that mentality. But I agree with you when it comes to whatever stresses in your life, you have to have someone to lean on.

It's, and I'll tell you why, because I haven't for such a long time that I think it has hurt me. You know, and look.

Well, yeah, because you need to be as a as a human being, you need to be touched. You need to be hugged. You need to be you need to be you need to feel like you're protected, like you don't have the weight of the world on your own shoulders and nobody's there with the life vest. Like that doesn't that's not it. That's not a good place to ever be. And, you know, you have to find you have to find a place where you could feel safe.

Right.

or you could feel like at peace, that there has to be that.

Right. I agree. I'll tell you why. Cause you know, obviously I live far away from a lot of you guys, right? I, we're not close. Um, and I really don't know a lot of people where I'm at. And look, you're right. Sometimes you need a hug. When my mom died, I was sat here alone and the person that I would have really enjoyed the hug was down the street for me. And I,

Yeah.

because of relationships that she was in and you know, whatever, I didn't ask for that because I didn't want to bother her. And then I ended up talking to her later on and she's like, you know, you could have called me and I go, yeah, I probably could have, but I didn't want to, you know, go over that line. Looking back, I should have went over that line because she was the one that I just needed someone to put my head on and, and.

Mm -hmm.

get that out and I told her the same thing about anything that's going on in her life. Like I'm a man, I'm a fix -it guy and it's a horrible thing to be a fix -it guy. But I told her the same thing the other day. I go, if you need anything, lean on me. That's what I want to be. I want to be the person you lean on. And she's very, she's not good with taking things or asking for help or getting help.

Mmm, sounds like me.

Yeah. So I went and I did some work for her and helped her out with something around her house. And she was like, I'm going to buy you lunch and, or we're going to go out to dinner and I'll pay you back. Cause you're I'm doing this because I give a shit about you. You don't have to do anything. Don't ask to matter of fact, I won't take anything from you. So it doesn't matter. You know, I wanted to be there for her because she's going through a rough spot. And sometimes that's all it is. And.

you

That's what makes you long run understand about staying or going. You have to look at the relationship you're in with your spouse, your friend, your mate, whoever, and go.

Mm -hmm.

I want to stay here because I know it's for the good of everyone and I'm going to make sure that I communicate with her so she understands that I'm here for the long run. I'm here because our kids are here. I'm here for the marriage. I want to make sure because you're the best thing in my life and I want to make sure it goes or continues.

If you're already past that you're correct, you know Some things it just doesn't matter. You've already hit that wall What you said earlier was probably the most poignant thing of leaving It's it's already too late. The it's the boat's not even floating It's you know, and you're not there's no dinghies like you're you're floating on that fucking titanic wood by yourself and

Mm -hmm.

Mm -mm.

I'll use the morbid thing, you gotta let go of the dude and let him drown. I mean, you know what I mean? It's unfortunate because that, without using the, it's not death, he's frozen, he's not changing. He's not gonna change, he doesn't want to, he thinks everything's fine or she thinks everything's fine and it's not. And you're not gonna go forward and you're not going to know what you want as a human being.

I get you. I get you.

If you know what you want fucking fight for it and and but I hope that your your other side communicates Either way, I want to fight for this i'm true i'll do whatever we can to make this work or it because one side fighting is not going to work And and it's the death of any kind of relationship after it

Mm -mm.

because you've damaged somebody so bad that they think they're not worth it anymore. When the person that's seeing them knows they're worth it. Self -worth is rough and it's hard. And I've looked at myself during those years since then going, really, am I really worth that?

Does someone really want this? And a lot of guys won't say that about themselves. And it's unfortunate because I bet you a lot of dudes feel that way. And women, but I'm going from my side. That you look at yourself and go, man, I was in a marriage, it didn't work. I've only dated a couple of times. Those didn't really work out. Maybe I'm just not meant for someone. And I think that's unfortunate.

And I hope that the people that are out there that feel this way look deep. Self -worth is very hard to find, but when you find it, you'll realize that it's worth fighting for a relationship, staying or going, whatever it is, that...

And it's not easy or perfect either. Like the hardest times I've had in my life were always being in a relationship. Like the hardest times, it almost felt like I was given a little breather when I was single, like it wasn't as hard because I only had to take care of me, not me and the family or me and yeah, yeah.

No, but I think your mate will...

Mm -hmm.

without a doubt that is true. I mean, for me, I didn't, I mean, I always had my kid. So like for me that, you know, this is the time in my life where I have a 21 year old. I don't have to hold his hand. I don't have to make sure. I mean, within reason, I kind of do. I have to make sure he eats and he does his shit and takes a shower and do all that kind of stuff. Cause he's a boy, but there is something to knowing your self worth. My self worth now is different. I,

Yeah.

I doubted myself for a long time about a bunch of things. Thankfully, I have listened to podcasts that have opened my mind to, you know what, I am worth it. And.

And I've seen people close to me who don't think they are or don't understand who they are and people have damaged them and I feel for them. I feel for anybody who's like that, but people who are close to you, I want to just grab them up and go, look, you're fucking worth it. Stop. You're, you know, you're this, this, this, this, and this.

and no argument. I don't want to hear the, well, you know, I'm, nope, I don't because these five things trump anything you're going to say to me. And that's for all of your friends. The first time your friend says, you know, this, this, this, this, shut them down, show them they're worth it because they'll fight in their relationships for either staying or going. And I think you should fight for both. If you need to go, you need to go. It's unfortunate for whoever, but you do have to do that.

Mm -hmm.

And if you're willing to fight to stay, dig in, get a foxhole and make sure you can communicate it out. Because if you don't, you end up like me for the first three years after my marriage going, man, I really fucked this up. Maybe I'm broken. And I don't think, like we're all a little broken. You just gotta, we all have scars.

And if you think your scars are what make you as a person, they do. They show you that there's better out there and sooner or later you're gonna find the person who is a puzzle piece. Just do it.

just think you need to work on yourself and the right people will come along and it's really not that hard when you're doing you're not worrying about it.

Exactly.

Right? Yeah, you're right. If your self -worth is good, and it does at the time you need it, I'll, you know, the universe, God, whoever you want to put into that thing, you know, like, you know, you know my pathway with religion.

The universe tends to give you what you need. For sure.

Yeah.

Understood.

It's changed and I've seen things over the last couple years that have changed my views on that immensely. I was just talking to my friend Hannah straight about that. So the universe or God pushes things certain ways and gives you third, fourth, fifth chances. Sometimes you have to look that in the eye and go, maybe there's a reason. So.

Yeah, agreed.

All right, darlin', well thanks a lot. Make sure to check out our social medias. That's Facebook, Instagram, X. Check us out on YouTube, YouTube Music, Spotify, Apple, all those cool places where you can check out podcasting.

Make sure you share this with people all over the country. We're still waiting for two states, Maine and Wyoming. Somebody in those states, please listen to this. Or if you know somebody there, make them listen to it. Yeah, just make them and go, they're trying to hit all 50 states. Look, we're gearing up on episode 150. I would love to have all 50 states before then. That would kind of make my day. And we know someone in Wyoming. You need to make her listen.

Hmm.

Send it to him.

And Maine, I don't know anybody. That's a way far on the East Coast. Any last words there, Miss Tina, about staying or going?

Be kind to yourself.

That's it. That's it.

That's it? All right, we'll end it on that. I'm okay with that. I'm okay, no, but you know what? I think that there's a lot in that statement.

That's all I got right now.

Mm -hmm more than you know

Yeah, I'll agree with that. I'm gonna leave it at that. It's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. Please share, like, leave comments. And please, if you would like to be on the show, we are really looking for guests. I'm 99 % sure Tina think I have the girl down the street that'll do it with us. She was inching in, so we'll get that. And you talked to me earlier about one, so we'll...

Yeah.

There's some things coming. We're definitely gonna gear up for show 150. All right, it's been a pleasure. As always, Tina, we'll see you next time.

See ya!