TW: Contains graphic sexual situations. Discretion advised.

Another vintage episode of ScreamQueenz has risen from the tomb!

This time, it's an excerpt from Episode 44 originally published on October 31, 2011 in which I'm joined by Scott the Satyr to discuss some more Halloween Haunted Attractions.

I'll be guiding you through the psychosexual chills of Manhattan's notorious BLACKOUT HAUNTED HOUSE.

Meanwhile, Scott put the TRICK into TRICK OR TREAT as he recounts tales of picking up horny vampires at KNOTT'S SCARY FARM.

This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:

Podtrac - https://analytics.podtrac.com/privacy-policy-gdrp

Patrick: 00:00:00

Foreign. Hello again, my beautiful screamers. I am back with another classic episode of ScreamQueenz, the podcast where horror gets gay.

h came out on Halloween night: 2011

And since you guys enjoyed revisiting the Vortex Haunted House last time, this time we're going to the Blackout Haunted House to keep things in the Halloweeny spirit. Hope you enjoy the show and have a fabulous, fabulous, fabulous Halloween. Hello, my name's Patrick and I'm a scream queen.

I'm a scream queen and so are you. Now, as many of you may remember from last year, the hot house.

Not the hot house, but the big attraction that I went to last year was the Vortex Haunted House. Everybody was really fascinated by it and couldn't get enough of the stories of it.

That was the one where it's pitch black and you have to walk through by yourself, you sign a waiver, and incredibly intense psychosexual stuff in sued with lots of nudity and disturbing things. So of course I had to go back this year. Except this year it's called the Blackout Haunted House. Why the name change? I don't know.

It doesn't matter to me. But you know, it's no fun to talk about these things by myself because last year I had my friend, supermodel Kristen Quinn with me.

And Mr. Brad, this is not his cup of tea. He came and was moral support, but he didn't go through the house and he's in the tub right now sudsing it up. So who am I gonna call on?

I know, why don't I invite over? Well, you know what? Let me just give him a proper introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, may I introduce Scott the Satan.

Scott: 00:02:22

Hello. How you doing, baby?

Patrick: 00:02:24

Mom.

Scott: 00:02:25

No, it's not.

Patrick: 00:02:25

You sound like my mom again.

Scott: 00:02:27

No, not your mother. Yes, unless your mother has a very large penis.

Patrick: 00:02:33

You'Ve met. Hush now. Anyway, Scott is from the Satyrs. Why don't you tell everybody a little bit about your show?

Scott: 00:02:45

Well, I have what is called a personal journal podcast where I talk about the loves of my life, which is mainly hockey theater, because I'm an actor here on the left coast and I talk about role playing games because I'm a big gamer geek and I talk a lot about my. My dick, which is nicknamed the Impaler.

Patrick: 00:03:07

Yeah, well, see, I love your show, Scott. I loved it on Contact. It's so warm. It's like a big hug. And you talk about so many random things. Not random, but there's something for everybody.

And it's all kind of cute and cuddly and then all of a sudden, there's your dick.

Scott: 00:03:21

There's the dick.

Patrick: 00:03:22

And the first time I literally clutched the pearls, I was like, oh, my God. It was like Mr. Rogers whipping out his noodle and waving it at Lainey Lane or something.

Scott: 00:03:31

Putting it right on the magic trolley.

Patrick: 00:03:33

It was the magic trolley.

Scott: 00:03:37

And I also do a little.

Patrick: 00:03:38

Oh, sorry.

Scott: 00:03:39

A little thing I call the mystery musical, where I highlight a song from a musical and invite my listeners to try to guess what it is. And you, I think, are you 20 for 20?

Patrick: 00:03:49

Yep. I don't call it if I don't know.

Scott: 00:03:52

Oh, look at you. I don't know.

Patrick: 00:03:55

I know. And I'm so far behind. I lost my ipod on the subway. So my hearing my. My beloved shows has just gone out the window. So.

Scott: 00:04:06

Over at occupy Wall street has it what, some hippie over at occupy wall street has You. Right?

Patrick: 00:04:12

I would at least be okay with that because, you know, I figure I have found a lot of random things in the subway. I found, you know, came various MP3 players and suitcases. I always bring them to the. I always turn them back in.

I figured the good karma gods would know. Fuck no. Fucking bastards. Yeah, yeah.

Scott: 00:04:31

Anyway, so the hothouse haunted house is this one with the exploding vagina?

Patrick: 00:04:38

No, that was the nightmare haunted house.

Scott: 00:04:40

Okay.

Patrick: 00:04:41

This had vagina, but it did not explode. It really rubbed all over me and stuff.

Scott: 00:04:46

Have exploding penis. That'd be hot.

Patrick: 00:04:49

Oh, somebody wiped their penis off on my shoe.

Scott: 00:04:51

Oh, sexy.

Patrick: 00:04:53

Not really. Not at the time.

I set myself up for disaster going into this because I had sent emails out to several of the haunted houses that I was going to visit this year to let them know that I was coming. Particularly the steampunk haunted house, which I talked about with Jennifer earlier today.

Scott: 00:05:10

And.

Patrick: 00:05:10

And this blackout haunted house, because these are the two standouts. And I sent them basically the same thing on Facebook, saying, hey, I really loved your house last year and I'm looking forward to coming this year.

Yarda, yarda, yarda. Except on the steampunk haunted house, I told them that they were my favorite house.

Whereas the blackout haunted house, I told them that my listeners were fascinated by it and couldn't get enough. And the stories are still going on about what happened at their house.

And they wrote back and said, thanks, Patrick, but we saw what you wrote to the steampunk haunted house people. They're your favorite.

Tell you what, when you come, why don't you introduce yourself to the person at the Front desk, let them know you're here, and we'll make your stay extra special.

Scott: 00:05:52

Oh, no.

Patrick: 00:05:53

Yeah. So I opened the door for brutality.

Scott: 00:05:56

So what happened?

Patrick: 00:05:58

Well, the thing is, like I said, Mr. Brad came with me, and we had stopped off for cocktails first, you know. You know, get my. What's the word I'm looking for? Get my metal up.

Scott: 00:06:11

Liquid courage.

Patrick: 00:06:12

Yes. This year, in this new space that they were in there, there's a little lobby here, because it is just. It's in a theater building.

And in the lobby area, there was no seating for him because last year he was able to wait and watch everybody come out and take pictures of them when they're being flung out on their face. And now they sit in the Corner, go for 20 minutes afterwards. But there was no place for him to sit, so he said, I'm going back to the bar. Oh, yeah.

So I was waiting online by myself, and I introduced myself to the people, and they're like, oh, we heard about you. We'll be sure to tell everyone inside. Thanks. Thank you. But as I'm waiting online, it started to sink in.

I'm going through by myself this year for real. Because last year, like I said, I had Kristen with me, and even though we didn't go in together, she was behind me.

And I was thinking the whole time, oh, my God, what are they doing to her? Oh, my God. This isn't what we were expecting at all.

I was expecting ghosties and ghoulies, not walking into some kind of psychopathic, perverted, drug addict lair that I have to submit myself to. So I was very concerned about her because she's very ladylike and elegant and was wearing bitch boots that she could have stomped me in.

But anyway, she got through fine. But this year, I didn't have that backup, and it started eating me. I'm like, fuck, I don't have anybody to talk to. This is really bad.

I took some video that didn't come out very well, but it's finally time for me to go in. Last year, they had a stand in this room with strobes. Just stand still.

And I must have been in there for 10 minutes before they put me through the house. And the effect that happened there was you really couldn't see anything. And what you could see was spots.

And the spots were moving, and it was very disorienting. But they didn't have that this year. So it was a very short house.

After I got the check, you know, somebody stops you in the dark and shines a Flashlight right in your face. Are you ready for this? Yeah.

Patrick: 00:07:59

Are you sure?

Patrick: 00:08:00

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:08:01

Do you now or have you ever had seizures of any kind?

Scott: 00:08:04

No.

Patrick: 00:08:07

Are you sure you're ready for this?

Scott: 00:08:08

I'm actually shining a flashlight in my eyes right now.

Patrick: 00:08:11

Okay, good.

Scott: 00:08:11

Okay, yes, I'm ready.

Patrick: 00:08:13

And I got the yeah out of my mouth. And suddenly there's plastic over my face.

Someone's got a sheet of plastic wrapped around my head, and I'm being flung around by my head into the darkness. And I can't breathe.

Scott: 00:08:26

Holy crap.

Patrick: 00:08:28

Yeah. Yeah. So it starts over the bang, and I'm left. Left strewn on the floor in the dark against whoever it was left.

And so I have to get up and feel around where I need to go. And like, okay, I think I go this way because they have a few lights to sort of guide you. They're very dim.

You're like, okay, I think, walk towards the light, Carol Ann. Walk towards the light. And I get pounced on again. And somebody just takes me from behind and pushes me up against this brick wall.

Scott: 00:08:55

Sounds like a good time to me.

Patrick: 00:08:56

This is my problem with the house in general. He's got. It's not a problem exactly, but he's got me pressed up against the wall.

Patrick: 00:09:03

He's like, you just look at those fucking bricks, faggot.

Patrick: 00:09:07

Oh, my.

Patrick: 00:09:08

Yeah, you just look at those goddamn bricks. And don't you dare turn around. I'll break your goddamn neck.

Patrick: 00:09:14

And so I'm just looking, and I'm hearing moving stuff around. I'm hearing clanking, rattling. I'm hearing, like, that sound that you hear in scream movies when the knife comes out of the leather sheath.

Scott: 00:09:25

Aha.

Patrick: 00:09:25

The sound that knives never actually make in reality. But I'm hearing all these noises, and then all of a sudden, he's just.

Patrick: 00:09:31

Pressed up right against me. I'm just feeling his breath on the back of my neck.

Patrick: 00:09:39

I'm going, I'm not scared.

Scott: 00:09:44

I'm getting a bit of a boner.

Patrick: 00:09:45

Well, the thing last year with the. With the house was that it did walk this fine line between perverse and erotic. Like, some stuff you're like, this is terrifying.

And yet I'm kind of turned on. But I don't want to admit being turned on. But, you know, I'm not ashamed to admit I used to dabble in leather back in the day.

You have both sides of it. A little bit of S, a little.

Scott: 00:10:03

Bit of m. Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah.

Patrick: 00:10:06

Well, you know, we all grow. We go through our learning process. We have to try Every color of the rainbow before we figure out which ones are ours.

And so he's breathing on the back of my neck. I'm like, swoon. Well, then all of a sudden, I get another bag on my head. Now it's a wet canvas bag.

Scott: 00:10:24

Oh, gross.

Patrick: 00:10:25

Yeah. And he forces me to the ground. And he's got.

Patrick: 00:10:30

He's like, chains behind your back. Chains behind your back.

Patrick: 00:10:33

He's stomping around me. He tells me to bark like a dog.

Scott: 00:10:38

Yeah. It's a Saturday night for me.

Patrick: 00:10:39

Mm. He told me to bark louder. So I bark louder. And he goes, come on. I want you to do it again for my friend. I'm thinking, who the fuck else is in here?

Now I got weird out. How many people are in here?

Scott: 00:10:55

Is his name Baba?

Patrick: 00:10:57

I don't know. But before I can answer, I guess they had water balloons, because I got pelted in the face with a water balloon.

Scott: 00:11:05

Wow.

Patrick: 00:11:06

The problem was it hit me square in the eye.

Scott: 00:11:09

Of course it did.

Patrick: 00:11:09

It fucking hurt. So, you know, they said, you're not allowed to talk in here. There's one of the rules. You're not allowed to touch anybody. You're not allowed to talk.

If anybody asks you to do something, do it. You have to do it, or you'll be asked to leave. It's usually for your safety or just.

Scott: 00:11:25

So they asked you to bark like a dog. Are you supposed to bark if you can't talk?

Patrick: 00:11:29

You do what you're told.

Scott: 00:11:31

Okay.

Patrick: 00:11:32

Yes. But, you know, we can't start, because I know some people be like, oh, my God. Who are you? No, no, no, no. Submit.

Scott: 00:11:40

You didn't need. You didn't tell me I was going to need my bottle of personal lubricant for this haunted house story.

Patrick: 00:11:45

Oh, it gets better. You'll. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever the Impaler is doing is going to change in about five minutes.

But it hit me with the water bottle, and it really fucking hurt. I screamed out, oh, fuck. Fuck, my eye. And I could.

Scott: 00:11:59

It was.

Patrick: 00:12:00

The pain was incredible. And I'm now doubled up on the ground, and all of a sudden, the guy's guy's hands on my shoulder, said, are you okay? Okay.

And, you know, I took a couple deep breaths. I got up. The pain started to fade. He goes, is your eye okay? I said, yeah, it was the. Get the fuck out. He threw me, pulled the bag off my head.

And I'm walking through another corridor, and somebody now guides me, you know, grabs me by the back of my shirt, and I think I have hands Me, a flashlight. And, you know, I start looking around the room, and there's. There's a single chair in the room.

And he makes me sit, and he puts some kind of goggles over my eyes. They weren't blinders, but they made everything blurry.

Scott: 00:12:48

Oh, bizarre.

Patrick: 00:12:49

Very, very strange. He said, you just hold that.

Patrick: 00:12:51

You just hold that flashlight directly in front of you and don't move it.

Patrick: 00:12:56

So I sat there in the dark.

Patrick: 00:12:59

Minute goes by, two minutes go by.

Patrick: 00:13:03

This is where your mind starts playing games with you.

Scott: 00:13:05

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:13:05

30 minutes go by, and I start to hear rustling in the far corner. This is a long room. And I see that there's somebody moving over there, But I can't make them out because of the glasses.

And I see now a figure starts to emerge. And I see long, flowing hair and, like, a nightgown, sort of a thing. Like a short hospital dress, perhaps, or a camisole, perhaps.

I can't really tell. And no face. And she's getting closer, walking very slowly, very, very deliberately. And then he got about three feet away, and I was like, penis.

Okay, that's a naked man. And now I have this little Southern Southern voice in front of me. He's running his hands through my hair.

Patrick: 00:13:52

He's like, ah, you're pretty. What's your name? Mmm. I like you. Are you scared?

Patrick: 00:14:03

And again, I'm like, not exactly. I don't remember what happened after that. But eventually it was time for me to move on. As I was leaving, he's just like, bye, baby.

Patrick: 00:14:14

Aw, I'm gonna miss you.

Scott: 00:14:19

So every size queen wants to know, was he big?

Patrick: 00:14:22

I don't know.

Scott: 00:14:23

It was blurry. Blurry goggles.

Patrick: 00:14:25

It was blurry, and it was dark. And literally, I saw penis. And then it moved into shadow. And then there was penis again. There was shadow.

It was enough for me to know that it was there. I'm like, okay, this is weird. And I had to go down some stairs, and I walked into a room. Then there's a. It's, again, stark room.

Nothing in it but a TV and a folding chair. Actually, three folding chairs and a girl in a hospital gown this time.

Scott: 00:14:49

Are they gonna make you watch the Playboy Club? No.

Patrick: 00:14:52

Oh, yeah.

Scott: 00:14:53

Terrifying.

Patrick: 00:14:58

What was that show? Cop Rock? It was copper.

Scott: 00:15:00

Oh, God, no.

Patrick: 00:15:01

Oh, I should make fun of that. My friend Ann Bobby was on that show, and she's a beautiful woman.

Scott: 00:15:04

I'm so sorry for her.

Patrick: 00:15:06

I know she's too. I only realized it recently, and she was very embarrassed. I'm like. But she was in what's the other thing, the Clive Barker movie.

Scott: 00:15:13

Oh, that one, yeah.

Patrick: 00:15:14

Clive Barker movie with the cemetery. Yeah, that one. I can't think of the name of it. I'm sorry, Ann. Bobby. But she's great.

She handcuffs me to the chair, around my back and handcuffs me to the chair. And on the TV are images of. I didn't have my glasses on, so I really couldn't tell what it was, but it looked like somebody gutting an animal.

Scott: 00:15:38

Nice.

Patrick: 00:15:39

Yeah. Cleaning a kill or something. And she sits on me, but from behind.

So, like, her legs are wrapped around me and her arms are wrapped around my shoulders. And she's just up the back of my neck.

Patrick: 00:16:00

Salty. Oh, poor baby.

Patrick: 00:16:08

And she's licking you. She's licking the back of my neck.

Scott: 00:16:11

Brave.

Patrick: 00:16:12

And running. Just like running her hands all over my body and everything. And I can't do a thing.

But I guess she got bored of me because it was time for me to go to the next room. No, actually, no, no, no. This is the same girl. She led me to another room.

And, you know, this one had a bear swinging light bulb in it, which is a never good sign. Now I'm still handcuffed.

Scott: 00:16:31

Oh, to the chair.

Patrick: 00:16:32

No, not to the chair. She uncuffed me now and just hug a handcuff to my wrist. She made me sit in the chair.

And she's standing behind me, and she put something in my hand and she goes, do you feel that? Yeah. She says, pull the string. I'm like, no, they're not. No, they're not. And I said, really?

Patrick: 00:17:00

She goes, pull the fucking string.

Patrick: 00:17:02

So I pulled the string. She took what was out of my hand, out of my hand. I mean, it was in my hand, out of my hand, and shoved it in my mouth. It told me to suck.

It was her tampon.

Scott: 00:17:11

Oh, God. Gah.

Patrick: 00:17:14

Yeah. There goes the impaler.

Scott: 00:17:16

Jeez.

Patrick: 00:17:16

I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there going. And it was probably. It was wet, and it was probably just water, but in my mind I'm going, this is flavored. This is like beef.

I'm chucking a beefy tampon. I paid $20 to chuck a beefy tampon.

Scott: 00:17:30

I'm trying not to puke here. Oh, God.

Patrick: 00:17:34

But fortunately, I didn't believe for a second that it was like an actual tampon that had actually been inside someone's vagina, because I might have been imagining a taste, but I did not taste either sour milk or pennies. Somebody let me out. See, the thing is, this is all kind Of a blur.

Scott: 00:17:52

Oh, God.

Patrick: 00:17:54

And then she just left. So I'm left holding the tampon, like, oh, God, I guess I got sue in here. So I went walking along, and I really don't remember what much.

Oh, what much else happened after this. Well, I had to go crawling through a tunnel in the dark. And at some point, somebody came up behind me and was like, hi.

It was a naked black man who was like, hi. At that point, I was out. I'm like, hi. Bye.

Because this is my favorite part from last year, Scott, Because I'm crawling through this tunnel on my hands and knees. There's a red light that I'm crawling towards, and then suddenly I am pinned to the ground. Somebody's on top of me.

Scott: 00:18:30

Ooh.

Patrick: 00:18:31

And then there's this husky voice in my ear with a cockney accent, which I'm not gonna do.

Patrick: 00:18:35

He's like, hi, what's your name?

Patrick: 00:18:41

And I'm like, I'm not supposed to talk. Patrick.

Patrick: 00:18:47

I like that name.

Patrick: 00:18:50

And he's like, I'm trying to crawl away, but he's pushing along with me. So he's traveling along as I'm crawling, which is leading to some dry humping.

Patrick: 00:19:01

He goes, you're a good little faggot, aren't you, Patrick? You came in here for this, didn't you? So let me ask you, Patrick, are you turned on right now, or are you scared?

Patrick: 00:19:16

I'm like, a little. Both. Oh. That's when he started calling me a faggot.

Patrick: 00:19:21

He was like, oh, faggot. Boy, that's good. I like the little faggot boys. Well, you gotta make a decision, Patrick. Are you gonna crawl away or do you wanna stay and play?

Patrick: 00:19:41

And I was like, this is so hot. I can't make this decision right now.

Scott: 00:19:45

Oh, my goodness.

Patrick: 00:19:47

Yeah. And of course, I'm thinking, kristen is going to hate me. But that was last year. This year, I got to the whole tunnel and nothing happened.

I guess the guy missed me. There was a choice to be had in the tunnel this year to go left or go right. And I went left. And I guess I was supposed to go, whatever.

But at the end, I'm coming to the end, because nothing else really stood out. Except at the very, very end, I walk into a corridor, the door slams behind me, and this is pitch black.

And I'm walking feeling along the walls, and I'm realizing there's no way out. Okay, so there's somebody in here with me. And there was butt naked man, who then flung open the door. And that led Into a restroom with. With a stall.

He's like, get out of the way, get out of the way. Get out of the way. You know, he gets in the stall, closes the door of the stall, and I just hear splash, splash, splash. I'm like, he's taking a dump.

This is nice. This is nice. This is not what I signed up for. And then the door opens and it's my boss from the murder mystery show that I'm working on. What?

Yes, my boss, my producer, director from the murder mystery show that I'm doing is working at the haunted house. So he's standing there naked.

Scott: 00:21:06

Oh, it is the butt ass naked guy.

Patrick: 00:21:08

He's the butt ass naked man. All right. Hi, Carl. He goes, you have to get the key. You had to get the key.

Scott: 00:21:18

Oh, God, no.

Patrick: 00:21:19

Yeah, so he's got. He pushes me down on the ground, and he's, like, pushing my hand into the toilet. And they had something in it that was gross, like, chunky.

And I'm fishing around for the key, and meanwhile, he's deliberately smacking me in the cheek with his penis. I hate you. I hate you. This might have been scary had I not known him. But I got the key, he throws me out. And I walk down this other corridor.

Now, somewhere along the line, it was somewhere when I got hit with the water balloon, where something turned in my head. I got mad at the house, like, you fucking hurt me. You could have taken my eye out, you sons of bitches.

So I've been kind of pissed off this whole time. I've been enjoying myself. But there's still this lingering thing in the back of my head. Now I'm holding this key that was in the poop.

And I walked into this room, and there's a bed. And on the bed is a completely nude woman, beautiful girl.

And she's chained at the ankle, and she's cut and she's bruised, and she's like, please, you gotta help me. Please, you help me. Gotta help me get out of here. Oh, my God, you have the key. Please let me out.

And all of a sudden, I turned into the S part of the S and M. Like, really? You want this? This key is what you want. Bitch totally turned into. And she's like, oh, God. It was. I felt. This is. What is the.

Actually the part that scared me that this old part of myself came back. Nasty daddy came back, and it's like.

Scott: 00:22:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah, beg for it.

Patrick: 00:22:47

You fucking beg for this key. You want to get let out? And then I gotta open up the thing and the key doesn't work and if it doesn't fit, I'm like, oh shit. I feel embarrassed.

But there was some other key I had to go pull out of something else that was gross. And I let her out and she. I don't know what happened. I got attacked. I got thrown out headfirst. And it was, it was fun. It was fun.

But I think it was so similar to last year. I was pretty much steeled for everything.

Scott: 00:23:12

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:23:13

And knowing Carlo didn't help. So having going home with. Going home with the tampon in my pocket and his pre com on my, on my cheek.

Scott: 00:23:22

Did he have a big dick?

Patrick: 00:23:24

I'm not gonna say I want to work next year.

Scott: 00:23:28

You want to keep your job?

Patrick: 00:23:29

I'm already gonna get in trouble for talking about this. But you know what? I tell the truth here.

Scott: 00:23:34

Amen.

Patrick: 00:23:35

Yeah, I wanted to hang out. I had my camera rolling and I wanted to hang out and interview some people as they were coming out.

But it was pelting rain by that point and Mr. Brad was throwing up.

Scott: 00:23:45

Oh yeah.

Patrick: 00:23:46

He wasn't feeling well to start with. But then like the three cosmos he had while I was in the house didn't help.

Scott: 00:23:50

Yeah, not good.

Patrick: 00:23:51

I'm just like, you are such a 22 year old girl right now, Vaughn. In the streets at ten o' clock in the street.

Scott: 00:24:03

Just need a walk of shame in the morning.

Patrick: 00:24:05

Uh huh. You just need the mascara running down your cheek and maybe a broken heel. But that was pretty much the blackout haunted house this year.

It was still a good house. I mean, I love what they do there. I love the gritty psychological nature to it. Nobody else really provides that.

And it's almost an introspective sort of thing. It makes you find things out about yourself and your limits and stuff like that. And also it's kind of hot and you get great stories out of it.

Scott: 00:24:30

Goodness gracious.

Patrick: 00:24:31

It was terrible because I told you we went, Jennifer and Brad and I and her friend Sonny, we went to the steampunk haunted house last night, which is in the same area where Carlo lives. And afterwards we went to this Bulgarian nightclub and got smashed.

And after we were leaving, I told him the whole story about what happened in the bathroom there. Carlo is over there, we should go wake him.

Scott: 00:24:49

Where'd he go? Wake him up.

Patrick: 00:24:50

And she's like, yeah. And he could, like, he could, we could watch him bang his pee pee. Let's do that.

And we're actually started going there like, oh wait, no, he lives in a five story Walk up. Nah, nah, forget that. So. So, Scott, are there any good haunted attractions out in San Francisco?

Scott: 00:25:11

Well, I. I'm actually not in. I'm a little bit south of San Francisco, more towards San Jose. Oh.

Patrick: 00:25:17

Oh, I love Sense. I love the Winchester mystery. No, actually, I don't.

Scott: 00:25:21

Well, funny you should say that. That's where I'm going tomorrow night.

Patrick: 00:25:25

I'm sure they do a great haunted house there or whatever Halloween celebration they did.

Scott: 00:25:28

It is their first year.

Patrick: 00:25:30

Oh, they have a flashlight tour, but. Okay.

Scott: 00:25:34

They have done a haunted maze in the back of the property and it's been getting rave reviews from haunt sites.

Patrick: 00:25:40

Oh, great.

Scott: 00:25:41

We're looking forward to that. But last weekend, California, Great America, a little amusement park in Santa Clara.

Patrick: 00:25:47

Yes.

Scott: 00:25:47

They. They do the Halloween Hunt, which is the same producers who do the Not Scary Farm. And so we did not.

Patrick: 00:25:54

Oh, Not Scary Farm. Not the Not Scary Farm.

Scott: 00:25:58

No, it's down in.

Patrick: 00:25:59

It sounded like you said like it was a farm that wasn't scary. It's not very Farm, but not Scary Farm. Got it. Got it. Okay.

Scott: 00:26:05

And it's. It's probably the granddaddy of all haunted amusement parks in at least California. Okay. But we went up there last week and we just had up.

There were seven of us and there were seven mazes.

Patrick: 00:26:17

Oh, gosh. That's a lot of mazes. Yes.

Scott: 00:26:18

Then one haunted ride, the Curse of the Black Widow.

Patrick: 00:26:24

I'll be your haunted ride.

Scott: 00:26:26

Oh, I bet you will. But it was a good time.

On my latest podcast, I talk about the stage show that they did, Zombies Gone Viral, which is the most God awful, atrocious piece of shit.

Patrick: 00:26:43

Of course it is. It's a theme park show.

Scott: 00:26:45

Oh, God. It's just. It's painful, Patrick. You just want to double tap the.

Patrick: 00:26:50

Zombies and get them out and you just want to give those performers a hug afterwards. Like, I'm so sorry. It'll get better.

Scott: 00:26:56

It gets better than this one dancer boy who had a hot body. I wanted to give him a hug, a mouth hug, a special hug his dick. But yeah, it was a good time. Let's see, the mazes are. They have Werewolf Canyon.

Patrick: 00:27:12

And I think I saw that. That sounds like a porn.

Scott: 00:27:15

Well, it's like.

Patrick: 00:27:16

It's a very hairy canyon.

Scott: 00:27:17

Yeah, yeah. Werewolves Attack Campground. It's got a lot of ambient, but. But too many. Too many masks.

Patrick: 00:27:25

Okay.

Scott: 00:27:25

Too many people in latex masks. Matex and appliances. And Karn Evil, which is a 3D haunted house. Yeah, it's really badass.

You put on these glasses and the paint job is just fantastic. To where everything's three dimensional. The walls are reaching out at you.

Patrick: 00:27:48

That's nuts. I like that.

Scott: 00:27:50

Yeah. I'd never seen anything like it before. I was just, like, totally fascinated by it.

Patrick: 00:27:53

It's all the fun of shrooms without the shrooms.

Scott: 00:27:56

Exactly. Yeah.

Patrick: 00:27:57

Not that I know, but.

Scott: 00:28:00

And then they have Toy Factory, which is a toy factory gone bad.

Patrick: 00:28:05

Yes.

Scott: 00:28:06

And it made me feel dirty because there were a couple hot frat boys dressed up like Boy Scouts.

Patrick: 00:28:12

I got some evil toys for you.

Scott: 00:28:15

Lord. I'm going. I shouldn't be getting a boner from Boy Scout costumes.

Patrick: 00:28:20

Oh, satyr.

Scott: 00:28:22

But they're frat boys.

Patrick: 00:28:24

Oh, frat boys are delicious.

Scott: 00:28:28

Fill me up, frat mattress. And then there was Corn stalkers, which takes place, like, in a. In a corn yard.

Patrick: 00:28:37

Okay.

Scott: 00:28:38

But it wasn't really. They don't have a corn maze, of course, so they just have to prop up corn stalks. Some.

Patrick: 00:28:43

Some corn. Okay. Some obligatory corn.

Scott: 00:28:45

Exactly. And then they had one called. Oh, and this was so sad. Club Blood, which was the vampire one. It's a. It's a vampire nightclub.

And they just missed the mark on it.

Patrick: 00:28:57

Lots of black leather.

Scott: 00:28:59

Hardly any, actually.

Patrick: 00:29:00

Oh, wow. I'm surprised that's what all vampires wear these days if they don't sparkle.

Scott: 00:29:04

But, yeah, fuck that. My vampires don't sparkle. But, yeah, I. I had a good time.

My main complaint with the haunt is that there are so many people there that it's just a constant stream line going through the. Through the mazes.

Patrick: 00:29:22

Yeah.

Scott: 00:29:23

So Whereas they should, like, put them in.

Patrick: 00:29:26

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I went to an attraction like that. Yeah.

Scott: 00:29:30

Yeah. The poor actors don't have a chance to reset, to think.

Patrick: 00:29:34

Yeah.

Scott: 00:29:35

So that was my main complaint.

Patrick: 00:29:36

I went to a house like that. It was terrible. I just remember people were popping out of the walls and it was always, like, four people ahead of me or four people behind me.

So I was always not seeing anything.

Scott: 00:29:46

Yeah. Yeah.

Patrick: 00:29:47

That's so good. There's no suspense to that kind of a house. There's no getting lost in a house like that, so. Or feeling like you're lost.

Scott: 00:29:52

And then at some point, you know, the. The actors have just given up, so they're just going, boo.

Patrick: 00:29:56

Blah.

Scott: 00:29:57

Yeah. So I just felt sorry for them.

Patrick: 00:30:00

Yeah. I used to have an obsession with the Winchester Mystery House.

I read about it when I was a kid in a Hardy Boys novel or something, and it just sounded so cool. And I read up on it and read all this stuff about it, and I finally got to go when I was in San Francisco, I. For a bear convention for Ivr Wolf.

Yeah, that was another aspect of myself that I explored for a while. And so I got to go and I was just like. It was not what I imagined. I always pictured it with furniture.

Scott: 00:30:29

It has furniture.

Patrick: 00:30:30

It has several pieces of furniture. But I just. I just blew. I don't know, it didn't do anything for me.

Scott: 00:30:36

I enjoy it. I've gone, I think, three times in my life. I mainly go because it's one of the few places where I'm guaranteed to feel an unworldly presence.

I really do feel it there.

Patrick: 00:30:49

I'll make you feel an unworldly presence.

Scott: 00:30:52

Don't you start with me, sexy little ginger that you are.

Patrick: 00:30:56

Oh, stop.

Scott: 00:30:58

Hey, did I call in last year about the vampire story from the Not Scary Farm? No. You will love this story. It's one of my favorites. Me and my buddy, we used to go down to Not Scary Farm all the time.

It's about a four, five hour drive. And one year they had a haunted maze called Lair of the Vampir with a Y, you know, and we're in.

Patrick: 00:31:23

Vinny, the slayer of the Vampires.

Scott: 00:31:25

Vampir, vampires. And so at one point we go into a room in this.

Patrick: 00:31:31

It's a vampire.

Scott: 00:31:33

It's a very sexy vampire.

Patrick: 00:31:36

I see.

Scott: 00:31:37

But we're into this one room and it's all done very, very Victorian boudoir. They had sheer curtains that were blowing with this unseen wind. And this beautiful four poster bed with a canopy and everything.

Patrick: 00:31:51

Yes.

Scott: 00:31:52

And there are these three, and I have to admit, beautiful vampire girls. And they're all in lingerie and their hair is all teased very 80s style. And they're all vamped out and I'm going, well, this is really nice.

And they're like, stay with us, stay with us. I'm like, no, no. And my buddy Chris, who's straight, he's like, no, no, let's stay. I went, no, no. And they're like, why don't you?

And he actually made the mistake of saying my name. Let's stay, Scott. Oh, no. So of course they picked up and Scott, why don't you want to stay? Don't you like us? I went, no, I'm gay.

Patrick: 00:32:26

I like your hair.

Scott: 00:32:28

As I'm backing out of the room, and as I'm backing out, I hit a thud. There's something behind me. And I hear this voice from up above me and to the right. Will I do? And the voice was so low it could reverberate.

And I look up.

Patrick: 00:32:46

You felt it more than heard it.

Scott: 00:32:48

Yeah, truly. I look up and here is this hot fucking dude. He's got Fabio hair, it's all teased out. He's got the ripped chemise showing a ripped body.

He's like, will you stay for me? And then I went. Screamed like a girl. And I ran out.

But as I'm running out, I could hear all of the actors just bust up because it just couldn't have been more planned of me backing into him and.

Patrick: 00:33:20

God, Scott.

Patrick: 00:33:21

Scott. No, he was. He must have broken their hearts. He didn't want any of them.

Scott: 00:33:26

Oh. I actually, in retrospect, cried all night. Well, he is all morning in California, so he probably did. Yeah.

But that's my favorite haunt story of all time. I love that story.

Patrick: 00:33:38

That's a great story. Okay, sir. Well, this has been great. I think that wraps it up. So where could people find you if they want more view?

Scott: 00:33:45

Well, they can find the Satyrsphere podcast on itunes and that's S a t y r S P H e R E the Satyr Sphere. Or you can find us online at satyrsphere blogspot.

Patrick: 00:33:59

Fantastic. And I highly recommend the show.

Scott: 00:34:02

And thank you for having me on. I really appreciate it.

Patrick: 00:34:04

Oh, you're very welcome. I hope it's not the last time, baby. All of the music for tonight's show, unless otherwise specified, has been written by Sam Haynes.

You can find all of his music and at www.bandcamp.comassew.