We’re taught to treat anger like a bomb—dangerous, destructive, proof that something is broken. But what if anger isn’t the enemy? What if it’s the smoke alarm in your relationship, not the fire itself?
In this episode of Coupled With…, I break down why anger feels so threatening—whether you’re the one who’s angry or the one on the receiving end—and how it actually functions as a nervous system signal that something important needs attention.
We’ll explore:
Why the angry partner often feels like they’re fighting for the relationship, while the receiving partner feels attacked.
How dismissing anger breeds resentment and fuels painful stories of being “too much” or “unlovable.”
The difference between treating anger as a threat (shut down, withdraw, punish) versus a signal (get curious, set boundaries, repair).
Practical ways to respond to anger that honor the emotion without letting it hijack the room.
The goal isn’t to eliminate anger—it’s impossible and, honestly, would rob your relationship of honesty and passion. The goal is to respond differently. To see anger as an entry point to connection, not the end of it.
If anger has felt like the fire that burns everything down, this episode will help you reframe it as the alarm—loud, yes, but useful. A signal saying: Please don’t miss me here.
Listen in, and let’s start treating anger as the messenger, not the monster.
When you're the one who's angry, it feels like your body is screaming something is wrong. Pay attention. You may not have the right words, but the energy is unmistakable. On the flip side, when you're on the receiving end, it feels like danger. Your nervous system instantly braces because the sharp tone doesn't read as a message.
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It turns into resentment. It fuels the story that says, I'm too much. I'm unlovable and my needs will never be heard. That story is [00:02:00] far more damaging than the anger itself. So let's start here. Anger is a signal, not a threat. It's the nervous systems way of saying something is off. Something needs attention.
And if we can start to see anger in this way, we don't have to fear it and we don't have to shut down to it. We can learn to listen. Let's get concrete for a second about how this plays out in real life, because anger rarely shows up as some dramatic movie scene. With slamming doors more often, it shows up in these everyday little frustrations that chip away at connection.
ot even words, it's just the [:
The anger says, I care enough about this relationship to protest, to demand that something change. But from the perspective of the partner on the receiving end, the exact same moment feels like danger, a raised voice, or a cold silence. Can register as rejection, criticism, or even abandonment. That same moment has two very different realities.
o retreat and defend as soon [:
So many couples know all too well, and the painful part is when anger keeps getting red as a threat instead of a signal. Both partners are walking away hurt. The one who is angry feels silenced. Told their feelings are too much. The one who received the anger feels unsafe, told their comfort, doesn't matter.
Anger appears as protest or [:
It's not that anyone is doing anything wrong, it's just that their bodies are running different survival scripts in the same moment, and unless we recognize this pattern, anger keeps masquerading as a weapon when it's really the alarm saying. Please don't miss me here. Here's the reframe that I want you to hold onto.
Anger isn't the problem. Anger is the protest. It's the nervous system's way of waving a flag and saying, please pay attention to me. Something feels off here. I need help. And we've been taught to see anger as a threat, as proof of dysfunction, or even as a personality flaw, but anger itself. Is not the danger.
lse that's more dangerous is [:
Anger works the same way. It tells you that something is wrong, but it doesn't tell you the whole story, and here's why. This actually matters quite a lot. When we treat anger as the enemy, we start to shut down the very messenger that could us understand what's broken in the connection. The angry partner ends up being silenced, carrying resentment.
pulling away, but loses the [:
The relationship is important enough to them to make sure that they're seen. When we start to see anger in this way, not as the fire, but as the alarm, we can actually respond with curiosity instead of fear. We can stop shutting each other out and start asking, what is this signal pointing me towards? So let's put some nervous system language around this, because what happens in these moments isn't just about bad communication, it's really biology.
When anger shows up, [:
These aren't really conscious choices. They're reflexes, and that's where it gets tricky. The nervous system on the receiving end of anger interprets all of those protective moves as danger. So in the moment that someone raises their voice with jaws or goes cold, the other partner's [00:09:00] body reacts like there's a fire.
Even if what's happening is just burning toast. Now both nervous systems are locked into defense mode. So let's think about the smoke detector again, it's loud and it's jarring because it's supposed to be, but it doesn't tell you the size of the problem. It's supposed to get your attention so you can keep looking.
That's exactly what anger does. It's the signal that something needs attention, but it can't give you the whole map. If you just rip the batteries out of it every time you're gonna misinformation that it's trying to deliver. So we often forget that anger is never meant to do the job alone. It's only one part of the emotional orchestra.
s. Fear says, don't lose me. [:
Anger is loud. Yes. But it's also incomplete. And when we treat it as a signal instead of the threat, we create space for co-regulation repair, and deeper connection. We get to hear all parts of the symphony from anger all the way to longing. So let's put this into a contrast, because the way [00:11:00] anger is handled makes all the difference on one side, anger is treated as a threat.
The raised voice is met with withdrawal, and the slam door is met with silence. Both partners leave feeling rejected and alone. The story becomes, we can't handle anger in this relationship and resentment piles up until the moment the connection feels brittle. On the other side, anger can be treated as a signal.
essenger, not a monster. And [:
It's all in that. I just wanna hear you. That difference is night and day. When anger is rejected, the cycle goes like this. Protest shut down distance. But when anger is welcomed as a signal, the cycle shifts to protest, curiosity and repair. That first loop, the body clinches tighter, and the walls go up. In the second one, the body begins to relax and its senses that I'm still safe with you.
impossible, and it would rob [:
When you choose that second path, anger stops being the end of the conversation. It becomes the beginning of it, and that one choice, the decision to treat anger as a signal instead of a threat. Can rewrite the story of a relationship. So let's talk about what you can actually do when anger shows up.
ally reach for in real time. [:
If you're the one who's angry, pause and name the protest underneath. So instead of leading with you, never, or you always try to name the signal, I feel angry because I need to know that I matter. Or I feel frustrated because I don't feel like I'm being considered. Anger gets a lot more digestible when it carries the need that it's actually pointing to.
motion, hurt, fear, longing, [:
That might sound like I want to hear you, but I can't. If you're yelling. Can we slow down here together or, I know you're upset and I want to understand, but I need us to talk without slamming doors. These boundaries make it clear the emotion is welcome. The harmful behavior isn't that distinction is what helps anger feel acknowledged instead of [00:16:00] shut down.
It's what allows both partners to stay in the same room instead of drifting apart. This is the most important part. You don't have to get this perfect, even pausing long enough to check in with yourself, like, what's the need that's going on underneath my anger? Or, can I stay present here even if they're upset?
oundary. One choice to treat [:
So here it is to summarize. Anger is not the villain in your relationship. It's not proof that you or your partner are broken. Anger is a nervous system signal saying, pay attention. Something here matters. When we treat it as a threat, we miss the message. When we treat it as a signal, we open the door to repair.
ion, two radically different [:
The difference is how we respond to it when it does, and every response lays another brick in the story of your relationship. So honestly, this isn't easy work. Your nervous system will still want to defend, withdraw, or shut down when anger arises. That doesn't mean you're failing, it just means that you're human.
tent acts of presence. So if [:
Anger can be the beginning of a deeper story if you let it. It can be the entry point into honesty, into repair, into showing each other that even hard emotions are survivable. And that's what secure love is really built on. The ability to stay when it would be easier to turn away. And this is exactly the kind of shift that I practice with all of my clients.
