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Clare: Offices of expertise.

2

This is Clare.

3

Danno: Oh, Clare, it's your

podcast partner, Danno, calling

4

for our weekly business call.

5

You sound so chipper considering your

atrophied muscles must still be present.

6

I judge by the presence of

your hydraulic phone lift.

7

Clare: Oh, yes.

8

Well, the hydraulic phone lift is

doing exactly what it's supposed to.

9

I mean, sometimes

muscles need rest, Danno.

10

I just needed to, to rest my muscles

and let them fulfill their atrophy and

11

then start them up again from scratch.

12

Danno: Having gone back to zero, are

you feeling slightly stronger now?

13

Clare: Yeah.

14

Well, I'm, I'm probably at one,

15

Danno: What can you lift?

16

Clare: Um, I can, I can, I don't know

that I could say I could lift, but I can

17

push the button that activates the phone

18

Danno: That's so great, Clare.

19

That means we can take off

the mental transceiver.

20

Yeah.

21

Cause that was actually, my brain

is starting to atrophy a little bit.

22

So that's a lot of exertion.

23

Um, Clare, there is some concern around

the office about your brain atrophying.

24

Um, you know that we had a very, very few

requirements for the job when you came in.

25

Clare: Mm hmm.

26

let me guess who put in that complaint

or observation, Emily Horhound.

27

I,

28

Danno: voice, that tone and voice.

29

You take that tone and voice

right out of here, young lady.

30

Clare: I will double down

on that tone of voice.

31

Was it, was it Emily Horhound

who brought into question

32

Danno: Do you, do you think Emily

Horehound is gunning for your job?

33

you

34

Clare: she's got a six

pack guns on her belt.

35

Danno: mean a six gun?

36

you think she has a six gun?

37

Clare: Yeah, I know she does.

38

Danno: to come gunning for you at your

39

Clare: Yeah.

40

She's literally threatened

my life on three occasions.

41

What?

42

Danno: When someone nice like

Emily threatens your life,

43

that's a figure of speech.

44

your life is so minimal right now,

Clare, with your vinegar sodden muscles.

45

You know, you're like an egg that's

been soaking in vinegar for a month.

46

You're just rubbery now.

47

Why would you want your job of flopping?

48

around the office, answering the phone

with a mentally triggered button.

49

That's all you can do anymore.

50

Clare: First of all, I don't flop.

51

I roll.

52

I roll with

53

Danno: That's admirable.

54

That's actually a step

55

forward.

56

And I mean, step as a figure of

57

speech.

58

Clare: Well, you know,

here's the thing, Danno.

59

I bring more to this podcast than Emily

Whorehound brings to the coffee clutch.

60

I mean, that's her job.

61

That is

62

literally her job.

63

Danno: she is fine in the

clutch, if you know what I'm

64

saying.

65

Clare: Oh my gosh.

66

See, this is it.

67

You're blinded.

68

I mean, she puts the whore in whorehound

and I am not afraid to say it.

69

I mean, I wouldn't say it in front

of her with her six pack of guns.

70

Danno: Why does she care, Clare?

71

What does she have to gain by harming you?

72

Clare: Danno, I do not know the

answer to that at this moment,

73

but I'll tell you, I am on it.

74

I'm using my brain tree receiver

to get onto the internets and the

75

worldwide webs, and I am going

to find something out on that

76

Danno: Clare, you did just get a raise.

77

Remember, we fired Chris Naughty

Pine, and we decided we would divide

78

his salary between the two of us, since

we were now producing in his stead.

79

I wonder if she's trying to increase

her own income by eliminating you

80

the way we eliminated Naughty.

81

Clare: Well, I'll tell you why I don't

think that Miss HH is on my side either.

82

I've been trying to get more spinach in

my diet because we know that's the best

83

Danno: Sure.

84

Yeah.

85

Good

86

for the

87

muscles.

88

Good for the brains.

89

Clare: And, she brings me

tofu burgers and slaps shods.

90

It's

91

Danno: I don't know where

she's getting her slapshods.

92

Clare: And I don't trust it.

93

I, I, I am sorry to coming, to

coming across with negatives, at

94

this time, but, uh, there's just

so much going on right now, Danno,

95

that I don't feel I have a, handle

on, of course, in my weakened state.

96

Danno: in your weekend state,

your only responsibility has

97

been answering the phones.

98

Emily has still been running

the hat check out in the lobby.

99

she's doing intake with the guests.

100

Clare: And Danno, we've had some

complaints that she hasn't done outtake.

101

Danno: I know.

102

Good God.

103

Our waiting room is just full of

104

Clare: Yeah.

105

Yeah.

106

I think she's forgetting

that part of the gig.

107

Danno: Okay.

108

Do you mind talking to her about that?

109

Clare: Well, I'm afraid of her.

110

Danno: I feel like this is the

way to overcome that, is to have

111

something concrete to go in with.

112

this is a definite thing that you want

to solve, that you want to talk about,

113

that you want to accomplish with Emily.

114

You know, you ladies, you've

got to get on together.

115

Clare: You're right, Danno.

116

You know what?

117

I'm going to work on that.

118

I'm going to work on my

relationship with Emily Horehound.

119

I'm going to come at her womano a womano

and see if we can't get on the same page.

120

Danno: that's great.

121

do wear a little protection.

122

Clare: Uh, I have a hydraulic, vest.

123

Danno: Clare, could I ask you

about an expense I'm considering?

124

Clare: Oh, sure.

125

Danno: you know, The ratings for

the podcast have been plummeting.

126

Clare: Yeah.

127

Danno: The, yeah, they have, the

ratings for the podcast have been

128

Clare: Oh, gosh, we got to do something

129

Danno: Yeah.

130

You know, it's only this week

that your jaw muscle has allowed

131

you to be speaking again.

132

Clare: Well, that's, that's probably

affected some of the ratings, not

133

having an actual podcast taped.

134

Danno: I'm looking here in the back of

Mechanics Illustrated Magazine, and there

135

is a series of classified advertisements,

um, This one says, become a podcaster.

136

New York City podcasting school

creates professional podcasters.

137

I sent a self addressed stamped envelope.

138

I had to rummage through your desk.

139

I hope you don't mind.

140

Clare: don't mind a rummage now and then.

141

Danno: Good.

142

Good.

143

apparently based on the,

uh, Envelope they sent back.

144

I have been accepted.

145

I have

146

been approved for podcasting school.

147

Clare: this is great news.

148

This is really going to

take us to the next level.

149

Danno: think so now it's mail order

150

I mean, it's a correspondence course.

151

Clare: Oh, correspondence

podcasting course.

152

Danno: Yeah.

153

So what do you think?

154

Should I

155

go for it?

156

Clare: well, I mean, you've

already been accepted.

157

Danno: So you start off with a

vocal training through the mail.

158

And I guess I'm guessing what

we're going for is that, you know,

159

kind of that rich, resonant, uh,

160

Clare: Right.

161

Opening up places in your skull

162

Danno: Oh, Clare.

163

Oh, Clare, be careful when you do that.

164

Some of your skull places

are actually opening up.

165

Clare: oh, sorry about that.

166

Yeah.

167

My plates have not yet welded again.

168

Danno: yeah, I got to

get that spinach going.

169

Clare: Thank you.

170

Danno: And we'll get you some slapshots.

171

Clare: No, I don't need

any more slapshods.

172

I mean,

173

Danno: then, uh, the next

step is, choosing a co host.

174

Clare: Okay.

175

Danno: you know, I'm really

looking forward to that chapter.

176

I think there's going to be some

really interesting information.

177

Cause I guess the idea is that

if you're going to do a podcast,

178

it's best to do it with somebody,

who's clever, quick on the up.

179

take, has a great speaking voice, uh,

well connected with lots of guests,

180

muscles and bones that actually

allow that person to stand up,

181

uh, vertically.

182

you know, who would be great for this?

183

Clare: Oh my gosh.

184

Okay, Danno, you know what?

185

I want you to, um, look into the address

186

of this podcasting school.

187

Danno: Uh, sure.

188

I've got it right here.

189

Clare: Yeah.

190

And then I want you to also call up

Emily Horhoun's New York address.

191

Danno: it's one, two,

three, New York Avenue, box.

192

H, H,

193

Clare: Yeah.

194

All right.

195

This, you see, I was even starting to

think as you were talking there, it's

196

like you, you already run a podcast

197

it.

198

And you have a partner.

199

You have a podcast partner.

200

Hello.

201

Hold on.

202

If you can't see me.

203

Danno: Oh, uh, oh, oh, there, right

into the, there, into the camera frame.

204

Perfect.

205

Clare: Danno,

206

Danno: Huh?

207

what?

208

Is that a verb?

209

Clare: She's having you

apply to the school.

210

She's going to get inside your mind.

211

She's going to convince you that

you need a different partner.

212

And guess who is not going

to be around anymore?

213

Danno: I was a little

suspicious that it was 4.

214

99 for the entire course.

215

Alright Clare, you've convinced me.

216

Emily Horehound is out to get you,

and we've got to get out to get her.

217

Clare: But Danno, she's

got an ironclad contract.

218

And I know cause she took it from

pieces of my hydraulic situation.

219

Danno: Oh, your iron hydraulic

220

lift?

221

Clare: How are we going to get rid of her?

222

Danno: We got Chris Naughty

Pine out of his contract.

223

Clare: Yeah, Danno, we're gonna

need to figure out, How do you

224

solve a problem like a whorehound?

225

Danno: You know how Emily

Horehound got her name?

226

That's not a real name.

227

That is her.

228

Yeah, that's her office name.

229

You know how people have

stage names and nom de plumes?

230

That's her office name because

of the Horehound lozenges.

231

She prefers the name.

232

to suck.

233

Clare: You need to

sleuth out her last name,

234

Danno: I'm going to

sleuth out her real name.

235

You sleuth out where she buys her lozenges

236

Clare: Right.

237

Danno: and somehow we can combine this

information into a devilish scheme that

238

no one will ever be able to trace to us

239

Clare: you know what else?

240

Uh, it, it just as a backup,

I'm going to line the hats

241

Danno: Oh, the hats at the hat check.

242

Clare: Yeah.

243

With that, that, what is that poison?

244

If you touch it.

245

Danno: Lead?

246

Clare: yeah, I'm going

to do some lead lining.

247

Danno: No one will notice lead

lining in their hats, Clare.

248

That's good thinking.

249

Clare: Yeah.

250

So we can come at her

from the outside and the

251

Danno: wait, wait, wait.

252

wait.

253

Those hats belong to our guests

that come into the offices.

254

All Emily does is put them on a shelf,

so you will actually be brow poisoning.

255

Our guests, with their

lead lined hat, Clare.

256

I

257

Clare: Danny, you got to crack a

few eggs to make a death omelet.

258

Danno: Alright, I'm in!

259

You know, it's not the murder

scheme I would have thought of, but

260

Clare: What you're saying that lining

the hats of visiting guests with lead

261

poisoning so our hat check girl might get

some on her fingers while we are injecting

262

say, what's that almond poisoning?

263

Danno: Almond poison.

264

Clare: Hmm.

265

Danno: You know, let's,

we are, we're going to

266

replace her lozenges with almonds.

267

Clare: up

268

almonds.

269

Yes.

270

Danno: whole strip.

271

Clare: With lead fingers.

272

Yep.

273

Danno: Clare, Your body may

be atrophied and barely able

274

to lift itself off the puddle.

275

on the ground that it is, but your

brain is operating like a mad genius.

276

Clare: Thank you, Danno.

277

All right.

278

Let's get on this plan

279

Danno: how do we keep this call

out of the hands of the coppers?

280

Clare: oh, that's a, that's a good idea.

281

Maybe we need to just take a little

extra poisoning to the police station.

282

Danno: that's going to

start to look suspicious

283

when you wheel down to the police

station, smelling of almonds.

284

Clare: Right.

285

Almonds and lead.

286

I'll just say it's Christmas.

287

Danno: It's a traditional

expertise Christmas.

288

Almonds and lead for everyone.

289

God bless us all.

290

Fortunately, we live in a small village

where that sort of eccentric behavior is

291

Clare: Right.

292

And you know, I can blame so many things

on the smell of my hydraulic lift oil.

293

Danno: Perfect.

294

Now, I'm thinking we need to poison

police department before we poison Emily

295

so that we can pin the whole thing on

296

Little

297

Clare: the police.

298

Danno: no, no, Emily.

299

Clare: on Emily, on Emily.

300

Right, right.

301

I lost the

302

Danno: Emily Hole Almond,

303

Clare: Emily Hohlamann.

304

Danno: okay,

305

Clare: going down.

306

Danno: and that's the way

we're going to frame her up.

307

So, I'm going to go off to, uh, I'm

going to go to podcasting school.

308

Your job, meanwhile,

309

Clare: Yeah.

310

Danno: is to infiltrate

yourself into Emily's head.

311

Every moment of life, you've got

to change all the monograms on all

312

our handkerchiefs from H H to W A.

313

Clare: Hmm.

314

Danno: to Whole Almond.

315

Clare: But wait, won't, won't

that give away that we are

316

behind the almond poisoning?

317

Danno: Well, you have to

do it surreptitiously.

318

Clare: but why are we going to call her

almond and then poison her with almonds?

319

It feels like we shouldn't mention almonds

320

Danno: We're not.

321

We are going to imply that Emily herself

has taken on this new persona in the

322

same way that she adopted Whorehound

323

as her name to office.

324

Now she's taking on this

murderous name of Whole Almond.

325

And to carry on that charade, she's

changing the monogram on her handkerchiefs

326

and other places where her name shows up.

327

Clare: So she's going to declare

herself Emily Hole Almond and then

328

poison the police station with almonds.

329

Danno: Exactly.

330

Clare: almonds.

331

What is the poison that

is made from almonds?

332

Danno: Whole almonds are more poisonous

than any poison made from almonds.

333

Why not just go with the

whole almond is my point.

334

That's why she's Emily Whole Almond.

335

Clare: Okay.

336

Very good.

337

Very good.

338

Danno: All right.

339

Clare: No one will be

able to trace this to us.

340

Danno: I love that we've become

a crime enterprise, Clare.

341

No one would suspect a comedy podcast to

resort to this sort of nefarious activity.

342

Clare: I, you know, I just, I

feel like we're actually just

343

rising to meet the occasion,

344

Danno: Yeah, you're right.

345

If we think of it as

crime, then it is crime.

346

If we think of it as, um, solving

a problem that needs to be solved,

347

Clare: that's right.

348

Let's just, let's just do it.

349

Let's not give it any second thought.

350

but I'll tell you what, I,

uh, I need to take a break.

351

Danno: Oh, from the podcast?

352

Clare: I mean, right now I need to nap

353

Danno: okay.

354

Yeah.

355

Alright Clare, did you ever

see Strangers on a Train?

356

Clare: yes,

357

this one time, the one guy,

I mean, he was abs, I mean,

358

Danno: Oh no no, I don't, no,

359

Clare: What?

360

Danno: Not strangers that you

personally saw on a train.

361

Clare: Okay.

362

Danno: I mean, there was a movie

called Strangers on a Train?

363

Clare: Not familiar.

364

Danno: Ah, well let me,

uh, let me clue you in.

365

The whole premise is that because the

two strangers just randomly happen

366

to meet on a train, no one can ever

connect them together when they agree to

367

commit murders on each other's behalf.

368

So from this point on,

369

Clare: we take the train to work.

370

Danno: yep, that's that's

gonna be the thing.

371

Clare: Okay.

372

And then that's where we plan it,

373

Danno: No, it's already planned,

374

Clare: but

375

Danno: but by taking the train, no

one will ever be able to suspect us.

376

Clare: We'll claim that we came up

with it on the train and then that

377

clears you of any kind of indictment.

378

Danno: now I live upstairs from the

offices, so it may be a little suspicious

379

if I'm suddenly taking the train to

work every day, but you know what?

380

We'll cross that trestle

when we come to it.

381

Clare: Yeah, absolutely.

382

I mean, you're pro transit.

383

I'll start putting out

pro transit pamphlets.

384

to say that expertise is supporting

the growth of our fair city.

385

This makes so much sense.

386

I'm feeling really good about it.

387

Danno: they say there's no such

thing as the perfect crime.

388

this is not a crime,

389

Clare: No, no, no.

390

This is a rising to occasion.

391

Danno: It is perfect.

392

Okay.

393

Clare.

394

We've got our assignments.

395

See you next week.

396

Clare: All right.

397

Danno: Thanks for the call.