What truly makes someone a good ally to the LGBTQIA+ community? Join me in this heartfelt episode as I unpack the essence of allyship, especially during Pride Month. With insight from my daughter while preparing for this epsiode, we pay tribute to the countless advocates and activists who've fought tirelessly for equality and shine a light on the ongoing societal issues that demand our attention. Being an ally isn't about self-promotion; it’s about standing up for basic human rights and fostering an inclusive world. Explore with me how unity and unwavering support can make a real difference.

Being an ally requires more than just good intentions—it demands action. Delve into what it means to genuinely support LGBTQIA+ individuals, focusing on active listening and respectful communication. When someone comes out, knowing how to respond with empathy and dignity is crucial. I also break down eight actionable ways to be an effective ally, from challenging heteronormativity and prejudice to ensuring everyone is treated with respect. This episode is packed with practical advice that can help you make a tangible impact.

Connect with Heather:

The Perfect Holiday Gift! Give a copy of Heather's new book, Parenting with Pride.

Get Your *free* Holiday Survival Guide

Access the course, Learning to Parent with Pride!

Work with Heather one-on-one or bring her into your organization to speak or run a workshop!

Please subscribe to, rate, and review Just Breathe. And, as always, please share with anyone who needs to know they are not alone!

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Email: hh@chrysalismama.com

Takeaways:

• Being a good ally involves active listening and being present for LGBTQIA individuals.
• Allyship is not an identity but an ongoing commitment to support marginalized communities.
• Educating yourself about LGBTQIA history and issues is crucial to becoming a better ally.
• It’s important to challenge stereotypes and confront personal biases in discussions about LGBTQIA rights.
• When someone comes out to you, respond with understanding and affirming support, avoiding harmful questions.
• Recognizing that LGBTQIA individuals seek basic human rights and not special privileges is vital for allyship.

Companies mentioned in this episode:

• The Trevor Project
• Gilson
• Tyler Clementi Foundation
• Human Rights Campaign
• PFLAG
• It Gets Better
• SAGE

Heather Hester: 00:01:25

Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting youg LGBTQ Team, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.

Heather Hester: 00:01:38

My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here.

Heather Hester: 00:01:42

I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.

Heather Hester: 00:01:52

Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop, having a cozy chat.

Heather Hester: 00:02:09

Most of all, I want you to remember that, that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Heather Hester: 00:02:27

Welcome to Just Breathe.

Heather Hester: 00:02:29

I am so happy that you are here today.

Heather Hester: 00:02:32

last episode for Pride Month: 2022

Heather Hester: 00:02:59

My daughter Isabel, actually helped me a lot with this.

Heather Hester: 00:03:05

And every day of this month, we have featured somebody who has had who has just made it so much easier for our kids, who has done something special, who has been an advocate, who has been an activist, who has just made their mark for the LGBTQIA community in a way that needs to be recognized.

Heather Hester: 00:03:35

And so some people have been people that you would expect to see in a list like this.

Heather Hester: 00:03:40

Others we just had so much fun learning about.

Heather Hester: 00:03:44

So I do hope that you enjoyed it and if you haven't seen it yet, have a chance to enjoy it.

Heather Hester: 00:03:50

So I thought it would be great to end this month with an episode on how to be a good ally.

Heather Hester: 00:03:59

I have done this topic before and I believe a couple years ago actually, and I have added a lot to it and expanded it a great deal.

Heather Hester: 00:04:13

So I really thought it would be just thought it was important to do it again and to offer some new insight and some new thoughts on the topic.

Heather Hester: 00:04:23

And it's something that I feel like we're kind of all wanting to learn about and continue learning about.

Heather Hester: 00:04:30

So anyway, as I talk about this topic, it is one that I feel like I talk about a lot in different ways, and I think kind of my one of my favorite topics to discuss outside of, you know, how you can best support your child when they came come out.

Heather Hester: 00:04:52

But as I was looking up things that I really wanted to share specifically today, I came across a quote that I thought was rather timely, and I wanted to share it with you all.

Heather Hester: 00:05:05

J.

Heather Hester: 00:05:06

Dodd said, allyship is not showing the world how good you are being.

Heather Hester: 00:05:12

It is showing the world how backwards it is.

Heather Hester: 00:05:16

I again believe this is very timely.

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But it's also even more than that, it is a chance for us to really recognize that it is extraordinarily vital for us to put differences aside and to advocate for each other's basic human rights.

Heather Hester: 00:05:42

And remember that that is what a lot of these issues boil down to.

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It's easy to get stuck in the weeds.

Heather Hester: 00:05:52

It's easy to get really wound up about different specific things that are said, but really just kind of listening to that, keeping that in mind, taking that to heart.

Heather Hester: 00:06:08

So in a broad term, many of the ideas that I have today, the suggestions that I'm going to make about being a good ally, can cross over to being a good ally for any group, any person.

Heather Hester: 00:06:25

But I'm going to talk about them today, specifically with regard to the LGBTQIA community and LGBTQIA people.

Heather Hester: 00:06:36

So who can be an ally?

Heather Hester: 00:06:38

Right.

Heather Hester: 00:06:38

That's one of the big questions.

Heather Hester: 00:06:40

Who can do this?

Heather Hester: 00:06:41

Well, it's anyone who knows and cares about an LGBTQIA person.

Heather Hester: 00:06:48

For some, being an ally is as easy as breathing, right?

Heather Hester: 00:06:54

It's just a no brainer.

Heather Hester: 00:06:56

For others, it's something that you want to do and you feel compelled to do, but it takes intentional effort.

Heather Hester: 00:07:07

Wherever you are on that continuum, you are showing up for the person or the people you care about in a very meaningful way.

Heather Hester: 00:07:18

So I want to start out with a definition of ally, because I love words, you know that.

Heather Hester: 00:07:26

And I thought this would be a great way to kind of get a base understanding of what an ally is.

Heather Hester: 00:07:36

According to Merriam Webster, it is a person or a group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle.

Heather Hester: 00:07:48

So my addition to that is specific to the LGBTQIA community.

Heather Hester: 00:07:54

It is a straight and or cisgender person who has a genuine strong concern for their well being.

Heather Hester: 00:08:01

One who supports and affirms LGBTQIA people and advocates for equal rights.

Heather Hester: 00:08:09

It is also someone within the community, for example, a bisexual person, who is an ally to non binary people.

Heather Hester: 00:08:19

You may be an expert on your own identity or your own orientation, and yet know very little about others under the LGBTQIA umbrella or how to be an ally to other marginalized communities.

Heather Hester: 00:08:36

So this really can is for everyone, right?

Heather Hester: 00:08:41

I mean, that's kind of what it boils down to.

Heather Hester: 00:08:44

So I really want you to take a moment right now.

Heather Hester: 00:08:47

You can pause this and really think about what being a good ally means.

Heather Hester: 00:08:55

To you in this moment, what is your definition that you have in your head?

Heather Hester: 00:09:05

I also believe that an ally is one who confronts challenges that LGBTQIA people experience and believes that they are societal.

Heather Hester: 00:09:19

For example, heterosexism or heteronormativity, which is what we learned about a few weeks ago from Chris Tompkins.

Heather Hester: 00:09:29

Right?

Heather Hester: 00:09:30

Such a great learning opportunity and just so much to think about.

Heather Hester: 00:09:36

But both of those, in different ways, are the assumption that everyone is or should be straight.

Heather Hester: 00:09:44

Another example of this is by prejudice, harmful, preconceived ideas about bisexual people.

Heather Hester: 00:09:52

And I'd also like to add to that false, misinformed, right at the base of all of this.

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What is it we all know?

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Fear.

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In a broad sense, allies can help validate a cause.

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They can be a cultural bridge.

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They can model what is possible.

Heather Hester: 00:10:20

However, an ally is not an identity.

Heather Hester: 00:10:27

I want to repeat that because many think that the A an LGBTQIA stands for ally, and it does not.

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Ally is not an identity.

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It is a label.

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And I'd actually like to take that one step further and say it is a verb.

Heather Hester: 00:10:50

When we think of allyship in terms of the actions we can take to support and advocate, it automatically removes that ego right that need to have a label or have a, like, I am part of this and really just kind of move into that action.

Heather Hester: 00:11:12

That doing this is what I am doing to help, removes that ego and falls in line with that wise old adage, actions speak louder than words.

Heather Hester: 00:11:25

Furthermore, ally is just.

Heather Hester: 00:11:29

It's more personal.

Heather Hester: 00:11:31

So the big question is, how can we be the best possible ally to our kids, our grandkids, our nieces, our nephews, our friends, our students, our coworkers, whomever, right?

Heather Hester: 00:11:45

You name it.

Heather Hester: 00:11:45

How can we be the best possible ally?

Heather Hester: 00:11:50

So, as usual, I found lots of amazing information, and I have, you know, lots of research that I've already done that I've kind of tapped into.

Heather Hester: 00:12:03

And so I thought it might be.

Heather Hester: 00:12:06

Even though I've expanded a lot on my original podcast episode, I still thought it would be helpful to keep this as more of a How to Be a good ally 101 and let this be information that is kind of a starting point for you.

Heather Hester: 00:12:24

So you can just grab what resonates with you and research more from there.

Heather Hester: 00:12:30

Run with it.

Heather Hester: 00:12:32

Additionally, for simplicity, I summarize this for you into eight ways anyone can be an ally.

Heather Hester: 00:12:42

And then at the very end, we're going to talk about how to handle or how to answer some really typical questions that you may get as an ally.

Heather Hester: 00:12:54

So here are the eight ways that anyone can be a good ally.

Heather Hester: 00:13:01

First, be a good listener.

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As in be present.

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See and hear the person who is speaking to you.

Heather Hester: 00:13:15

Now, I know you hear that and you think, got it.

Heather Hester: 00:13:18

You say that all the time, Heather.

Heather Hester: 00:13:21

And we all have the intention of listening, right?

Heather Hester: 00:13:27

We think we are listening, but really being able to be an active listener present in a conversation takes effort and it takes being quite intentional, which, for those of you who can do this naturally, bravo.

Heather Hester: 00:13:50

I know for me it took a lot of work and there are still times where I'm like, oh, I'm so tired.

Heather Hester: 00:13:58

But it is really super meaningful when you can be present, when you can see and hear that person who is speaking to you, when you can really create that space between the two of you where there is true deep understanding.

Heather Hester: 00:14:18

So, of course this takes work, right?

Heather Hester: 00:14:22

This is, in some cases work getting to the place where you believe that all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, should be treated with dignity and respect.

Heather Hester: 00:14:39

But do the work.

Heather Hester: 00:14:41

Do the work.

Heather Hester: 00:14:43

Another part of this is knowing what to say and what not to say when someone comes out to you.

Heather Hester: 00:14:52

So I'm just going to give you a few examples, and these might be quite obvious and I would like as I'm doing this.

Heather Hester: 00:14:58

I'm sure you can think of a bunch more as I'm saying them, but these are the ones.

Heather Hester: 00:15:02

I just felt that this was kind of an important thing to say and why.

Heather Hester: 00:15:06

So when someone comes out to you, here are a few things you can say that are wonderful to say.

Heather Hester: 00:15:14

Congratulations, I'm so happy for you.

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Or you can say, thank you for trusting me enough to let me know the things that you don't want to say.

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And I share these because you know which ones of these I've done first and foremost.

Heather Hester: 00:15:40

Are you sure you know the reasons why Just don't do it.

Heather Hester: 00:15:53

Another one not to say is, this might be a phase.

Heather Hester: 00:15:58

Again, as with, are you sure?

Heather Hester: 00:16:03

The person who is sharing this information with you has likely been thinking about this for weeks, months, years.

Heather Hester: 00:16:15

They are sure it is not a phase, regardless of their age.

Heather Hester: 00:16:23

And the final one is, when did you decide this?

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Again with this one.

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It's the word decide, not a decision.

Heather Hester: 00:16:38

It would be like me asking anyone out there who is straight, when did you decide to be straight?

Heather Hester: 00:16:46

When did I decide to be, you know, a cisgender, straight white woman?

Heather Hester: 00:16:57

Not something I decided.

Heather Hester: 00:16:59

Right?

Heather Hester: 00:16:59

So likewise, someone who is sharing with you their sexual orientation or gender identity, not a decision.

Heather Hester: 00:17:10

So I'm sure you can add Your own to this.

Heather Hester: 00:17:13

And, you know, we could of course, probably spend an entire episode on that.

Heather Hester: 00:17:17

But to keep moving, I want to encourage you to not be afraid to ask questions.

Heather Hester: 00:17:26

It is good to be curious and to want to learn.

Heather Hester: 00:17:30

And in that curiosity, just remember to be respectful in asking your questions and being curious.

Heather Hester: 00:17:41

And think about, you know, your wording, think about your audience, think about your where you are at the time that you are asking these.

Heather Hester: 00:17:50

Additionally, in this work, challenge stereotypes as well as your own unconscious bias.

Heather Hester: 00:18:02

Educate yourself on LGBTQIA history, issues, policies, adversity.

Heather Hester: 00:18:11

Have conversations with LGBTQIA people and learn about their experiences.

Heather Hester: 00:18:18

Do not be afraid of making mistakes.

Heather Hester: 00:18:21

It's going to happen.

Heather Hester: 00:18:23

It's going to happen.

Heather Hester: 00:18:23

You are human and it's part of the learning experience.

Heather Hester: 00:18:27

This is something that Connor always reminds me that it is much better to make a mistake while trying than to just stay silent.

Heather Hester: 00:18:38

And trust me, I still make mistakes on a daily basis and I've just gotten better at picking myself up and continuing to move on.

Heather Hester: 00:18:48

So the next point, and this kind of leads into the next point, which is get comfortable with being comfortable.

Heather Hester: 00:18:56

I know I say this one a lot.

Heather Hester: 00:18:57

It applies here too.

Heather Hester: 00:18:59

You are learning all new information.

Heather Hester: 00:19:03

If you are the type of person who is working to shift your mindset or if you are confronting your own previously held prejudices or biases, this education is going to be uncomfortable.

Heather Hester: 00:19:20

That is okay.

Heather Hester: 00:19:22

Breathe through that discomfort and allow yourself the space and time to process what you are learning.

Heather Hester: 00:19:30

Embrace that you will make those mistakes.

Heather Hester: 00:19:33

You are human.

Heather Hester: 00:19:35

The goal is not to be perfect.

Heather Hester: 00:19:38

It is for all to be free, to live authentically.

Heather Hester: 00:19:46

The next one is to hold shared secrets, meaning do not out people or share their orientation or identity with others.

Heather Hester: 00:19:58

It is not your story to share to build on that one a little bit in case it's not super clear.

Heather Hester: 00:20:06

If someone has confided in you their sexual orientation and or their gender identity, that is they are trusting you with that information.

Heather Hester: 00:20:18

That is not your information now to share with someone else.

Heather Hester: 00:20:22

That is your information, trusted information to hold on to.

Heather Hester: 00:20:28

And it can be in the case of having a child share this information with you, such as when Connor came out to us, many, many conversations.

Heather Hester: 00:20:42

And it's a great conversation starter for thank you for sharing this with us.

Heather Hester: 00:20:47

And then as we moved days and weeks and months, who do you want to share this information with?

Heather Hester: 00:20:55

Who would you like for us to share this information with?

Heather Hester: 00:20:58

Who do you want us to be there with you when you share the information?

Heather Hester: 00:21:02

So it just opens A door for really great conversations as the next one is a big one.

Heather Hester: 00:21:12

It's Speak up online, in person.

Heather Hester: 00:21:19

Speak Up Social media, of course, is one way to do this.

Heather Hester: 00:21:24

It's probably the easiest way to show allyship.

Heather Hester: 00:21:28

You can also do it by volunteering.

Heather Hester: 00:21:31

You can volunteer online, you can volunteer in person, and you can show solidarity online as well as in person.

Heather Hester: 00:21:41

But I have a few ways that you can volunteer.

Heather Hester: 00:21:46

Show that allyship by volunteering.

Heather Hester: 00:21:49

And again, this can be done in person or online.

Heather Hester: 00:21:56

I talk about a lot of these organizations a lot, but they are a great place to get started and can even help guide you if you're looking for something that is more specific to your community, what your community might have of available.

Heather Hester: 00:22:11

If you cannot find something outright, starting with one of these larger organizations may help you find something.

Heather Hester: 00:22:20

May help you even start something.

Heather Hester: 00:23:19

So here's my list and you can find all of these on my website if you want more information.

Heather Hester: 00:23:26

But I laid off with the Trevor Project.

Heather Hester: 00:23:29

You know how much I love them.

Heather Hester: 00:23:31

Gilson is another one, and I don't talk about them enough.

Heather Hester: 00:23:34

But what their mission is is to create safe and affir schools for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, their gender identity or their gender expression.

Heather Hester: 00:23:47

Another wonderful one is the Tyler Clementi foundation.

Heather Hester: 00:23:51

And then of course hrc, which is the Human Rights Campaign.

Heather Hester: 00:23:56

P Flag, It Gets Better and sage, which is one that I sometimes forget about what I'm talking about.

Heather Hester: 00:24:05

But it's a really, really important one because it is a national organization that offers supportive services and consumer resources to older LGBTQIA people and their caregivers.

Heather Hester: 00:24:20

So really lovely one there to check out.

Heather Hester: 00:24:26

Showing up as an ally in real life is a privilege and it can also feel really uncomfortable.

Heather Hester: 00:24:38

But it is something that is so important to do and the more that you do it, like anything, the easier it's going to get, right?

Heather Hester: 00:24:49

The more that you'll find your wording, you'll find your footing.

Heather Hester: 00:24:52

But here are a few situations that you might find yourself in or a few ways that you can really show up as a great ally.

Heather Hester: 00:25:02

In situations where someone is using slurs or insensitive language, speak up.

Heather Hester: 00:25:11

It doesn't have to be an argument.

Heather Hester: 00:25:13

It can be very calm.

Heather Hester: 00:25:15

It can be calmly saying that's not okay, please don't use that word or please don't use that phrase again.

Heather Hester: 00:25:23

I know this can be awkward, especially at the beginning, but making others aware that their words can be hurtful is a step toward affecting change.

Heather Hester: 00:25:34

Another one, and kind of similar, is respectfully correcting others if they misgender someone.

Heather Hester: 00:25:42

So this can be done very much with sincerity.

Heather Hester: 00:25:46

It can be done with the spirit of educating others.

Heather Hester: 00:25:50

And I really, truly believe that people want, in a general sense, there are more people who really want to be kind and just don't know any better.

Heather Hester: 00:26:01

So by offering this information in a kind way and a gentle way, not only shows the person that you're with that you have their back, that you are a solid, trustworthy ally.

Heather Hester: 00:26:17

It also shows the people that you are talking to that this can be done very respectfully.

Heather Hester: 00:26:23

And learning doesn't have to be scary or crazy or radical or whatever other words you want to use, right?

Heather Hester: 00:26:33

Be inclusive.

Heather Hester: 00:26:35

Be aware of opportunities to increase connection and decrease isolation, which is something that's been really big over the past few years.

Heather Hester: 00:26:45

This is also a really important skill to instill in your children as they learn to connect with others and be aware of others.

Heather Hester: 00:26:58

Promote diversity in your workplace.

Heather Hester: 00:27:01

Diversity, equity, and inclusion is rightly becoming very important at many companies.

Heather Hester: 00:27:07

If your company already has a DEI group, find out how to get involved.

Heather Hester: 00:27:12

If they don't, see what you can do to start one.

Heather Hester: 00:27:17

as we are ending Pride Month: 2022

Heather Hester: 00:27:27

I love, love, love seeing people in Pride gear when I'm out and about.

Heather Hester: 00:27:33

It just makes me smile, it makes me happy.

Heather Hester: 00:27:38

And I of course, have my own favorite things that I wear.

Heather Hester: 00:27:42

I have my favorite T shirts, I have my favorite hats that I wear throughout the year.

Heather Hester: 00:27:46

Here's where my caveat is.

Heather Hester: 00:27:49

There's a fine line.

Heather Hester: 00:27:53

I think it is so important that LGBTQIA people dress authentically, dress to express who they are.

Heather Hester: 00:28:05

And it is important to be aware of rainbow capitalism and only purchase from companies who truly support LGBTQIA people.

Heather Hester: 00:28:17

So I was saying this the other day to another group and a great question came up, which is how do we know, how do we know who supports LGBTQIA people and who doesn't?

Heather Hester: 00:28:30

And my answer to that was a couple of ways.

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First, a lot of these companies will have right on their website if they are supporting the Trevor Project or It Gets Better or PFLAG or hrc, any of these, they'll have it right there.

Heather Hester: 00:28:48

They want you to know and you can follow that through to make sure that that is accurate.

Heather Hester: 00:28:54

Right?

Heather Hester: 00:28:55

You can also do it the other way around, which is get on the website of whatever your, you know, your favorite organizations are.

Heather Hester: 00:29:05

And a lot of times, especially during June, they will list out the companies who, you know, they recommend who are supporting them, who they, you know, are giving kind of the thumbs up to.

Heather Hester: 00:29:18

So those are two easy ways to do that.

Heather Hester: 00:29:23

The next way to be a good ally is to support equality.

Heather Hester: 00:29:29

Educate yourself about policies that protect LGBTQIA people from discrimination within your workplace, discrimination at your kids schools, within your community, and so on.

Heather Hester: 00:29:44

So this is a really, really big one and one that is really, as we all know, coming under fire in many, many ways across our country and different states.

Heather Hester: 00:29:58

And, you know, is certainly worth a much longer conversation than a 32nd bit here.

Heather Hester: 00:30:07

Find out what the policies are at your kids school.

Heather Hester: 00:30:12

Find out what the policies are in your community, in your county, in your state.

Heather Hester: 00:30:18

And really, that's a great starting place to know where things are and where you can support and where you can speak up or volunteer.

Heather Hester: 00:30:34

The next one is learn the language.

Heather Hester: 00:30:40

It's respectful, first of all, and it reflects your desire to be an ally when you use the right words and the right pronouns.

Heather Hester: 00:30:50

Never assume someone's sexual orientation or gender identity.

Heather Hester: 00:30:55

Ask if you're unsure and if it's appropriate.

Heather Hester: 00:31:01

My website has a basic glossary that you can go to and look at.

Heather Hester: 00:31:06

And in a few weeks, I will be rolling out an in depth workshop on the language of lgbtqia, what words mean and how to use them appropriately.

Heather Hester: 00:31:21

If this is something you are interested in, please, I have a link in the notes, the show notes.

Heather Hester: 00:31:28

Click on that link and I will make sure that you get information as soon as I roll this course out.

Heather Hester: 00:31:37

Another way that you can just be aware or you may hear this going on around you, especially from your kids.

Heather Hester: 00:31:46

This is something I learned first, of course, from my kids, which was a few years ago Connor started using the word y'all.

Heather Hester: 00:31:54

Now, we're from the Chicago area, we don't use that word here.

Heather Hester: 00:31:59

Not that I have anything against it at all.

Heather Hester: 00:32:02

In fact, I quite like it.

Heather Hester: 00:32:05

I think it sounds very warm and inviting.

Heather Hester: 00:32:07

But that's just not how we speak up north, right?

Heather Hester: 00:32:12

We have always used the words like you guys or ladies and gentlemen.

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So I finally asked him, you know, why he switched and started using that?

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And he said, because it's inclusive of everyone.

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I was like, oh my gosh, of course.

Heather Hester: 00:32:35

That makes so much sense.

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So kind of putting all of that together, I've always had this, like, it sounds inviting, right?

Heather Hester: 00:32:44

It sounds welcoming and it's inclusive.

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So you can use y'all and no one is going to feel left out.

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So if you don't already use y'all, it's going to take a Little work.

Heather Hester: 00:33:04

I still goof and say, you know, you guys or whatever, but I am slowly making the shift and it's worth it and it's actually quite fun.

Heather Hester: 00:33:20

So I highly recommend this.

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Finally offer financial support if you are able.

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Any LGBTQIA nonprofit would be delighted with your support.

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And believe it or not, a five dollar donation does make a difference.

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So consider hopping on the website before the end of this month especially and supporting your favorite favorite nonprofit.

Heather Hester: 00:33:53

So here is just.

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Here are, I should say, a few questions that you will probably get as an ally and just a few suggestions on ways you can answer them.

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I know it can be tricky.

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It can be, again, it can be uncomfortable.

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But kind of knowing ahead of time what might be coming your way, you know, really thinking about why it is you believe what you believe and why it is that you are an ally will really help you form your answers and help you come up with the words that sound the most like you.

Heather Hester: 00:34:35

But I thought I would throw these out there for you just to give you, just to kind of get you started.

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So the first statement is, I thought we were in a good place with LGBTQIA rights and inclusion.

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So depending on where you live, this may seem like a fair question or a fair statement, or it may seem like it's very far from the truth.

Heather Hester: 00:35:01

Right?

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This is a very geographical type statement.

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Here is why it is actually the latter and why allies are desperately needed.

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LGBTQIA individuals do not have legal protection on a federal level in the United States.

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In many states, there is still widespread discrimination, meaning you can lose your job, you can not qualify for housing funding or lose your housing.

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You can have service refused to you at a restaurant or a retail store.

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And the examples go on and on.

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In other countries around the world, being LGBTQIA is a crime punishable by prison and in some cases, death.

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It can also be helpful to approach this statement by showing examples of what a straight cisgender person can do that are often exponentially more difficult for an LGBTQIA person.

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So, using myself as an example, I can go to the bathroom pretty much anywhere I am.

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I have no problem finding a bathroom.

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I can hold hands with my husband in public and nobody bats an eye.

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I can go to any ER anywhere and receive respectful medical care.

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And I can see representation of myself in books, in stories, in history that is taught in movies and other media, right?

Heather Hester: 00:36:57

So think about that.

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The next one that you might hear or be asked is, I treat everyone the same.

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What's wrong with that?

Heather Hester: 00:37:12

So while this one is really frustrating I do actually believe that it's coming from a place of kindness.

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A lot of cases, it's just one that needs gentle education.

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There are two ways to help people understand why this is, at best, not helpful and at worst, incredibly offensive.

Heather Hester: 00:37:36

The first way is educating others about the difference between equality and equity.

Heather Hester: 00:37:41

The most effective way to show this is by using personal stories.

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Your own personal stories.

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Right?

Heather Hester: 00:37:48

But defining the term also works.

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So here you go.

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Equality means everyone is getting the same.

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But this only works if everyone has started in the same place and.

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Or everyone has the same needs.

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Equity means every individual has or is given what they need to succeed or live happily.

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See the difference?

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The second way to illustrate this is more conversational, discussing how all humans have different identities, different beliefs, different abilities, different life experiences, and different needs, and they don't necessarily want to be treated the same as everyone else.

Heather Hester: 00:38:39

There's a lot of difference in there, right?

Heather Hester: 00:38:41

So this becomes more about seeing people on an individual or human level and recognizing and respecting needs.

Heather Hester: 00:38:50

And there are so many ways you can illustrate this, but, you know, one that is just very common is, you know, thinking about how you might respect someone coming into your home who has a food allergy, right?

Heather Hester: 00:39:07

You have someone coming over for dinner, you're having a dinner party, and one of your friends has a peanut allergy.

Heather Hester: 00:39:14

Now, would you serve peanut chicken for dinner?

Heather Hester: 00:39:18

Probably not, right?

Heather Hester: 00:39:20

It is the same thing.

Heather Hester: 00:39:22

It is the same thing.

Heather Hester: 00:39:24

So it's just respecting individual needs.

Heather Hester: 00:39:32

The next one that I'm going to share is a little bit triggering for me.

Heather Hester: 00:39:36

It's a little bit hard, but I know that it's one I've seen pop up dozens of times this month.

Heather Hester: 00:39:42

And I just really felt that it was important to address.

Heather Hester: 00:39:46

And that is, why isn't there a straight Pride parade?

Heather Hester: 00:39:51

So this one is the reason it is triggering is because it is part of one of the final conversations I had with my brother three years ago.

Heather Hester: 00:40:04

And that is a story for another day.

Heather Hester: 00:40:07

But it kind of falls into that same category as questions like, where's my special safe place?

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Or why should LGBTQIA people get special rights?

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And so on.

Heather Hester: 00:40:23

So here's a few ways you can answer these type of questions.

Heather Hester: 00:40:31

First, straight Pride happens every day.

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Meaning straight and cisgender people see themselves represented everywhere all of the time.

Heather Hester: 00:40:44

In art, in film, in corporate.

Heather Hester: 00:40:48

Right life, in awards and inventions.

Heather Hester: 00:40:54

An LGBTQIA child can go through a typical K through 12 curricula and think that no LGBTQIA person has ever done anything of note or contributed to society.

Heather Hester: 00:41:09

In any way.

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And as we all know, there are those who are unfortunately actively working to make sure that never happens.

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There's answer number one.

Heather Hester: 00:41:23

Number two LGBTQIA people are not seeking special rights, they're seeking human rights, the rights that many take completely for granted or worse, abuse to keep themselves in power.

Heather Hester: 00:41:46

Human rights the next When a child or teenager is bullied about race or religion, they typically have their parents to turn to for support and helpful suggestions because their parents have probably been through similar situations, right?

Heather Hester: 00:42:09

However, parents and family members can sometimes be an additional source of stress or harm for an LGBTQIA plus child or teenager, leaving them with no one and no place to go.

Heather Hester: 00:42:25

As we all know and have talked about many, many times, the rates for suicide and suicide attempts are significantly higher for LGBTQIA adolescents, teens and young adults than they are for their straight cisgender peers.

Heather Hester: 00:42:42

Having even one safe person or safe place for LGBTQIA children or teens literally saves lives.

Heather Hester: 00:42:57

Remember that being an ally is both a noun and a verb.

Heather Hester: 00:43:03

Education and shifting take time.

Heather Hester: 00:43:07

You will make mistakes and those around you will make mistakes.

Heather Hester: 00:43:10

But it is far, far better to make those mistakes and keep moving forward than to not try at all.

Heather Hester: 00:43:18

Our kids and the LGBTQIA community need us.

Heather Hester: 00:43:26

Thank you so much for being here today and listening in.

Heather Hester: 00:43:31

If you would like more information about my LGBTQIA language workshop, click on the link in the Show Notes and I will make sure that you get on the list.

Heather Hester: 00:43:42

Until next time.

Heather Hester: 00:43:46

Thanks so much for joining me today.

Heather Hester: 00:43:49

If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review.

Heather Hester: 00:43:56

Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me.

Heather Hester: 00:44:09

Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.

Heather Hester: 00:44:15

And remember to just breathe.

Heather Hester: 00:44:19

Until next time.

Heather Hester: 00:44:22

Sa.