Plenty of couples go through a period where there’s little to no sex involved. This can be really upsetting as a healthy sex life is a crucial part a flourishing relationship.

Both parties have a role to play here. Men need to face their insecurities and learn how to hold space for the emotional experiences that arise during sex. And women need to feel safe, both emotionally and physically.

In this episode, Lorin explores how men can overcome performance anxiety and how women can fully engage in the sexual experience.

Healthy relationships need sex. Without it, partners can grow further apart, harbour resentment, and less willing to be intimate. But it isn’t about sex alone – it’s about emotional connection, trust, and mutual respect.

Mentioned in this episode:

The Polarity Program
An 8-week immersive journey for couples into the depths of masculine & feminine polarity. Starts Sunday 15th September 2024.

Why do so many couples stop having sex or no longer experience the same level of passion that was once there in the bedroom?

Contrary to common belief, it is not normal to be in a sexless romantic relationship or marriage.

It is not normal that the passion just disappears.

And also the sex at the beginning of a relationship in the honeymoon phase is not the best sex.

These are all myths.

I'm going to shatter these myths, but more than just giving you the exact practical reasons why couples stop having sex or the passion is no longer there in the bedroom, I'm also going to give you clarity around the following subjects.

Why men no longer get it up in the bedroom or suddenly struggle or from the get go struggle with it.

Why women are no longer interested in having sex or no longer feel safe in the bedroom.

And the surefire science that you are on the way to have a sexless relationship or a lack of passion in the bedroom and much more.

Sex is important.

It is not something that can just be brushed aside.

A healthy sex life is vital for a relationship to thrive.

Some people as awake in consciousness or on their spiritual awakening, they have these beliefs, or perhaps these beliefs might sneak in, that it's not as important and it's something you can just brush aside.

And it's actually not the case in any relationship, especially in a conscious relationship, it is immensely important that we are able to express our sexual desires, that our sexual energy is able to flow freely, and we are able to own and embody and express this part of us as being humans fully, unapologetically, and feel safe and met in doing so.

Having no sex in a relationship or hardly any sex means that there is a strong disconnect, and unless you do something about it, the disconnect will continue to get stronger and stronger.

Let's talk about some of the most common reasons why the intimacy and sex becomes flat in relationships.

Number one, are commitment issues.

This is very often overlooked.

People don't connect commitment issues with passion disappearing or no longer having sex.

When there are commitment issues, this desire for novelty can completely take over and can become obsessive in a way.

And that creates a sense of boredom for the person, whereas in truth, sex in a committed relationship is the polar opposite of boring.

Actually, the most thriving sex or the most passionate sex comes from feeling safe, comes from feeling a consistent sense of love and connection and trust.

That is really when you start to experience emotionally and spiritually connected sex.

We can call this sacred sex or conscious intimacy.

So the more you get to know each other, the deeper you go in the relationship, the more safe you feel, the more trust you experience, the deeper and more pleasurable and more blissful and more passionate, the experience of sex is going to be.

But when there are commitment issues, this desire for novelty is often connected with the only sexually exciting thing in the world, as if safety and consistency and trust is not exciting.

This is just a matter of conditioning.

Because see it from that perspective.

If someone constantly had one night stands or was always jumping from one relationship to the next, then their nervous system, at a deeper level, they're not connecting or associating sexual excitement and pleasure and joy and expression with safety, consistency, and trust.

It becomes associated With novelty.

That then can create a sense of boredom, which really is only a matter of conditioning.

It's not that it's actually boring, it's a matter of conditioning, and then that leads to, for instance, the person with the commitment issues no longer being interested or invested in actively, not just maintaining, but deepening the sex life in taking initiative.

For those who believe that when you are in a long-term relationship, sex is always the same, that is actually not the case because if you are really present in the bedroom and you feel that you can own your sexual desires and you can express your sexuality freely, then it's the last thing, but boring or routine.

This kind of boredom or getting stuck into a routine always signals that perhaps there isn't a full embodiment behind owning and expressing and communicating your sexual desires.

Now let's talk about men here.

Insecurity in men often leads to challenges in the bedroom.

So for instance, when a man can no longer get it up in the bedroom, that can lead to significant challenges.

I'll give you an example quickly.

I worked with this couple and the man had thousands of hours of therapy, and he just, no matter how much therapy he had, no matter how much work he did, he couldn't get it up in the bedroom.

The moment before it started to happen, he started to feel so nervous and this performance anxiety completely overwhelmed his nervous system, that he was so stressed out and so full of anxiety that there was simply no blood flow, There was just nothing happening down there.

And his wife, she didn't necessarily took this immensely personal, although that often happens where the woman then takes it personal and says, is it about me?

Am I not beautiful enough?

Am I not this enough?

But she really wanted to experience great sex, and she didn't understand why he had these challenges.

So they would go through this experience again and again.

They were both aroused and before they were about to make love.

he would, experience all this performance anxiety, and then she would just say, Well, okay, let's leave it, right?

And he would notice that slight irritation and annoyance inside her because she really wanted him to ravish her.

And this dynamic, without them both being aware of it.

only perpetuated this experience, because each time it didn't work, it became further affirmation that something is wrong, that he can't get it up or whatever it is.

Each time he became hyper aware of her annoyance and irritation, and he was already preempting, oh, she's gonna be annoyed, she's gonna be irritated, I really need to get it up.

It really needs to work.

Can you see the anxiety?

Can you see the stress?

And it was this kind of perpetuating itself and getting worse and worse and worse.

So, long story short, after one session, they didn't only have sex once, but the passion was completely back, and they had several experiences within the first two weeks of deep sex, feeling incredibly connected, feeling safe, and feeling amazing.

Why?

Why is this happening?

Did I do some magic here?

No.

Now I won't go into exactly the ins and outs of what I've done there because they would now take 10 hours to explain in detail about what I would do in such a situation, the exact practice and exact approach.

But the key is that I went deep with him on working through this performance anxiety and learning how to interrupt the pattern of all these intrusive thoughts arising and then falling into that fear, learning in that moment to be able to hold space for that experience.

And that really is a unique skill.

And also making her aware that when she's expressing that annoyance, that it's only further perpetuating it.

So she was expressing more openness.

He was able to hold space for these challenges that came up without identifying with them, without falling fully into them.

Did I do some magic here?

Absolutely not.

I simply helped him to slow down, to become fully present, to hold space for the experience.

And I showed her how she can in that moment through her openness towards him, rather than expressing annoyance, allow him to feel more safe.

And as he was able to slow down, deeply ground himself, relax his body.

All the issues went away, and it wasn't just within the first two weeks of great sex, it was done, it was healed.

I'm obviously not a doctor, and erectile dysfunction does exist, but so often things get labeled as erectile dysfunction, whereas the problem is solely psychologically.

And when a man is able to work through these insecurities, able to deeply relax, ground, feel safe and secure in his body, then these insecurities fall away and his cock will stand like a rocket ship once more at absolutely all times.

But it takes deep inner work to do this.

It takes courage and practice and facing his emotions because good sex always means getting in touch with your emotions.

This can be vice versa as well, but often the way it happens is that women are more in touch with their emotions and more able to feel that, hold that experience or allow themselves to experience these deep emotions in the bedroom, and men they start to feel overwhelmed with this, leading to insecurity.

So it's very, very important that as a man, you learn to face yourself in stillness, you learn to sit with challenging emotions, because this will translate into much better and deeper sex because when you're in the bedroom with her, there will be deep emotion, you're feeling her heart, you're feeling her energy.

And rather than feeling stuck and afraid of the emotional experience, you can hold space for that powerfully, and that will naturally also lead to no challenges when it comes to having an erection and just much more deeper connected sex.

Now, another reason is women no longer feeling emotionally safe.

So this is where I always say the most important factor when it comes to great sex, when it comes to masculine feminine polarity, is that the woman feels emotionally safe.

It is the component of emotional intimacy.

So when a woman no longer feels safe, either because the man is not embodying his healthy masculine energy, or for instance, you as a woman, you might have a father wound, or any wound really, and there is a deep sense of unsafety within you.

This can be separate from the relationship.

It's not always the man and it's always him.

No, absolutely not.

There's always two in a dynamic.

So there might be things you, the woman is bringing to the relationship where she doesn't feel safe and embodied in her feminine energy, in her sexual expressions.

There might be shame around her sensuality and which is often part of generational trauma of the feminine.

So there could be many reasons why there is an emotional feeling of unsafety.

And the moment a woman feels emotionally unsafe, whether that's because the man is not embodying his healthy masculine core, or she naturally doesn't feel safe inside her and in her sexual energy and sensuality, then this will naturally lead to a shutdown in her body.

Her body's openness towards sex is directly connected with the level of emotional intimacy and emotional safety a woman feels.

So if she doesn't feel safe for whatever reason, the body will shut down.

Now, there's another dynamic at play here that is very, very challenging.

And that is when a woman struggles with expressing her desires and boundaries in the bedroom.

So she's in the, stuck in the pleaser archetype and that she has to give her body to her man at all times and can have no sexual boundaries.

And then for years they have sex, and one day the woman's body shuts down completely.

I've witnessed this again and again in couples I coach.

And the man doesn't understand because he thought, wow, for years she was so open and suddenly she shut down.

And what was happening was that he was not being present.

He was just often using sex as part of his conditioning.

It's not her fault, it's not his fault in this context and example I'm using his conditioning was just use sex to numb and to escape and or to feel better about himself, to validate his manhood without being really fully present with her, feeling her heart and feeling into her energy.

And she felt that she, wasn't worthy of expressing her boundaries and whether she was actually open to sex in that moment.

And what she really needed in the bedroom, which is emotional intimacy, feeling safe first before it leads to physical intimacy.

And then she shuts down and then.

It can get very, very challenging because now the woman no longer trusts him and there is all this resentment which has been built up.

But she also plays a huge part in that.

In only in the specific context I'm giving here.

Not in other contexts when it comes to abuse.

That is absolutely not her fault and has nothing to do with her own dynamic.

I'm talking about two people who operate from a place of unconsciousness, but have good intentions and love each other.

But of course in that context, she played a huge part.

Because she didn't express her boundaries and hoped he would see it, but he didn't see it because he can't read her mind or he was too disconnected and unconscious in that moment.

She felt all this resentment and now there's a total shut down.

There is no longer arousal.

There is no longer intimacy in sex.

Is it possible to work through this?

Absolutely.

But I wanna help you ideally, unless you're already there.

You can still work through it, but I want to help you.

Be able to prevent this from happening.

How do you do this as a woman, embody and express your sexual boundaries fully.?

You don't have to give your body to anyone.

You don't have to be available for sex just because the man you're in a relationship with wants sex.

You have to feel safe and you are worthy of saying no, you are worthy of saying you're not interested and that should never lead to him rejecting you, him no longer being interested, him shaming you, absolutely not.

The answer should be I love you baby, or the answer should be a total understanding and respect towards that.

Because guess what?

When there is respect and understanding towards that, then naturally you feel safe.

And that safety will then lead to deeper and more sex in the future.

So very important, embody your no.

Express your sexual boundaries.

Don't allow the pleaser within you to build up all this resentment and then to shut down and there is so much pain and disconnect.

And as a man, be present.

Don't numb yourself through sex with her.

Feel her heart.

Really become aware of is she actually enjoying this or is, the important bit here is are you making this solely about yourself?

Oh, I'm here, or I just want an orgasm, or whatever it is, and I just want some pleasure, or are you really present and connecting deeply and slowing down and feeling her and being also focused and present on her pleasure and whether she's fully in it?

Because the moment you are and you are feeling and connected to her at that level, that creates a totally different dynamic of intimacy, safety, and trust in the bedroom.

And she can feel it.

She can always feel it when you are connected to her in this deeply powerful and heart-centered way.

Another reason could be children.

You might be having a baby or you might have young children at home, or you might be completely overwhelmed with work experience, constant stress, or all of the above.

Your nervous system is overloaded.

You are constantly in a rush.

There are no moments to slow down.

And when there are no moments to slow down, then it's very hard to connect.

So your life becomes about endless tasks and rushing back and forth and rushing, rushing, rushing.

So what you need to do in that case, obviously when you're going through a time when the children are young and or when you're going through a very busy work period, you can't just dedicate two hours every day in the bedroom.

But you should be able to dedicate once a week minimum, one and a half to two hours, where just the two of you are able to connect or at least one hour.

At least half an hour.

At 45 minutes minimum, you are able to connect.

You're just able to be in the bedroom.

Whether it's cuddling, whether it's massaging each other, whether it's just speaking to each other.

It's not about you need to have sex and you need to pressure yourself.

Focus first on relaxing.

If you are rushing, if your nervous system is overloaded, you never just want to jump right into sex, unless you really feel that it's in alignment and you both feel safe and the energy is there.

But often it isn't there.

I recommend first focusing on relaxing.

In these moments, take a hot bath together, or talk a hot shower together.

What you will notice is you start to relax and as you start to relax and slow down and ground you, it naturally this heat and passion and people desire to connect naturally comes.

Now, these are some of the most common reasons why relationships become sexless, or why the passion dries out.

Now, what can you do to ensure that this doesn't happen?

Number one, communicate about your sex life and sexual desires and interests regularly.

This involves everything.

Are you both okay with masturbation to get, well together you should most likely are okay with it, but what are your views around self-pleasure individually?

How do you feel about that?

And what are your sexual interests?

What are your sexual desires?

it's very important that you are able to communicate about these things.

What are your sexual, boundaries?

What is something that doesn't make you feel sexually safe?

Express and communicate all these things to your partner or your future partner.

The reason why this is so important is to release sexual shame.

Because whenever there is sexual shame, what happens is secrecy.

Secrecy naturally happens when you are both not feeling fully safe and open to express and embody and on your sexual desires or your sexual boundaries.

So now your sexual energy starts to float into other things.

Maybe there is a wandering eye.

Maybe there is leaking sexual energy, creating emotional connections with people from the opposite sex, who could be potential lovers.

All these things start to happen because you feel blocked or you don't feel fully safe and able to express your sexual desires freely.

So it's so important.

You need to be committed both to always be able to express your sexual desires and interests and whatever around this topic freely to one another, and the other person.

Never shames the other is always open to it.

And even if it first sounds a bit like, ah, oh really, I never thought about this, or that's not how, I think hold space for that.

Have empathy.

Meet each other In that, because this is really vulnerable.

This is really intimate.

So it's so important that your partner's a safe place and where you can express that.

In the moment you have established this level of conscious communication, you will notice that there is no secrecy unless there's really a deeper issue and there is lying and cheating, after that, that's a different topic, different episode.

So it's really, really important.

Communicate about sex, your sexual desires, how to spice things up, what new things you want to try.

This is how you really allow yourself to express your sexual energy fully.

And then there is absolutely no need for secrecy or, you know, one is secretly self pleasuring, but feeling ashamed of that, but not feeling satisfied.

All these dynamics, there's no need for that.

You are able to express these things freely.

And that safety allows for the most profound sex.

Another tip I have for you is spice things up.

For instance, by bringing mindful sacred sexuality practices into the bedroom.

What are easy ways to do this immediately?

Massage each other with oil.

Rather than straight going for it, which is most often not safe for the feminine and also often not, not feeling completely aligned for us men, massage each other with oil.

One time one is massaging the other.

the other time the other.

You can do it both, but usually one being massaged on the receiving end will feel very tired, very deeply relaxed after it.

And then to switch into the role of massaging the other, is almost like getting out of that energy.

So usually what I recommend is one time, one is more on the receiving end, the other time, the other is more on the receiving end.

Like switch roles, right?

Whatever you prefer.

Whatever feels right to you.

And as you massage each other, breathe deeply.

Let them hear your breath.

And then you make love.

And you can also take a bath together, right?

You can dedicate time and energy to your sex.

Treat it as a sacred practice where it's not just you expressing animalistic desires, but you connecting at a deeply emotional and spiritual level from heart to heart, the merging of soul to soul.

Another tip I have for you is if you are always waiting for spontaneous sex, our lives can get very busy.

Ideally, it's all spontaneous in the moment and all of that amazing.

But we all have appointments, we all have busy lives.

Some people schedule it.

If that feels right for you, amazing.

But if you schedule it, my tip for you is don't put pressure that you have to have sex, because in that moment things might be happening.

Schedule time to connect.

Not time to have sex.

That's pressure.

Pressure is the opposite of relaxation, and relaxation allows for deep arousal and sexual energy to flow freely.

Schedule time in to connect.

And most often you will have sex when you connect deeply, massage each other, it's naturally born.

And even if it's not, you connect it deeply, which is amazing.

So specifically when there are trust issues, you can start like that and slowly build up your way towards deep sex that can feel very safe for those who don't feel trust towards the other, for whatever reasons.

I want to emphasize here also on this one, express what you like.

Don't be afraid to tell your current partner or intimate partner what you like.

Be very clear about it and own it fully.

Don't feel ashamed of your desires.

You are not living this life and have just chosen, Hey, I'm gonna have this sexual desire it's just a desire you have or fantasy Own it and, and express it.

You should never feel shamed for it.

Express your pleasures, your fantasies, what you really want.

And if you don't express them, then what you do is you unconsciously create that dynamic where you don't feel sexually met, and then it creates secrecy.

Then it creates leaky energy where you're looking for it in other places simply because you haven't given your partner or future partner the opportunity to fulfill these desires.

Why?

Because of self-sabotage.

Because you felt unworthy of expressing that.

And the last thing I would say here, to not make this episode wait too long is do not leak in sexual energy in other places.

You are a human being.

You will feel biological arousal towards other people.

That is not something you can shut down.

And if you expect your partner to shut that down, then there is a crazy romanticized, idealized fantasy that comes from Hollywood movies, but has nothing to do with an actual, grounded experience of what it means to be a human being having a spiritual experience.

So.

when you feel that biological arousal, rather than having the leaky eye and leaking and energy and flirting or all of that, bring that energy to your beloved.

You can circle it through your breath in your body.

Don't focus on that, don't let that go somewhere else.

And then bring that energy as a sacred offering to your partner, as a form of devotion, as a desire to ravage them, as a desire to express your deep, deep desire for them.

Thank you so much for being here.

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Once again, thank you so much for being here.

I'm deeply honored to be of service in your journey.