Shownotes
Chores
Now Is the Right Time!
As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and involving them in daily chores provides a perfect opportunity.
Chores allow your teen to play a role in contributing to the maintenance and care of your family’s household. Teens and emerging young adults ages 15-19 are learning and establishing lifestyle habits that will extend throughout their lifetime, whether making their beds in the morning, doing their dirty dishes, or cleaning up their games and supplies. Teens who do chores learn that part of being in a family contributes to the work and responsibilities of family life. When they pitch in, it creates a sense of autonomy, belonging, and competence.
Research has found that the best predictor of success in young adulthood can be directly traced back to whether a child began doing chores at an early age, as young as three or four.^1 But it’s never too late to begin! Another study linked children doing chores to positive mental health in their early adulthood.^2 The skills and habits your teen develops in caring for your family home will serve them well as they make their own independent home in the not-too-distant future. And, for today, doing chores teaches a work ethic essential in helping teens persist toward any type of goal.
Yet, there are challenges. Teen’s schedules are busy. After school, your teen may have soccer practice, several hours of homework, and a desire to socialize with friends. “Why do I have to bring in the garbage cans? My friends don’t,” you may hear from your fifteen-year-old. Whether cleaning up their room or setting the table for dinner, your teen may express resistance when they have other goals in mind, like, “How can I socialize or game longer?”
The key to many parenting challenges, like chores, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your teen’s needs. Daily chores are also a way for your teen to learn valuable skills like timeliness and responsibility. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.
Why Chores?
Whether asking your fifteen-year-old to make their bed and turn off their lights each day or reminding your eighteen-year-old to rinse their dishes and put them in the dishwasher after dinner, these can become your daily challenges if you don’t create regular routines with input from your teen.
Today, in the short term, chores can create
● greater cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks
● greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success
● trust that your teen has the competence to complete responsibilities with practice and care, and
● added daily peace of mind.
Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen
● builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting
● builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence; and
● gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency
Five Steps for Establishing Chores
This five-step process helps you and your teen establish routines and builds important skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .
Tip: These steps are done best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush.
Tip: Intentional communication[2] and a healthy parenting relationship[3] support these steps.
Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input
You can get your teen thinking about chores by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to chores better so that you can address them. Teens need more autonomy as they find their independence and seek to define themselves as individuals separate from their parents. In gaining input, your teen
● has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time
● has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for implementing the chore)
● has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership and
● will be working in collaboration with you to make informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day
Actions
● Ask and negotiate. You might start by thinking through the rooms in the house, beginning with your teen’s room. You might ask and consider together:
○ “Help me create a list of chores. What might be some chores we should consider?”
○ “Why are chores important?”
○ “What chores feel most meaningful to you?”
○ “Which ones do you think you can successfully get done regularly?”
● Discuss challenges. As you discuss your teen's taking on responsibilities, talk about times that are typically challenging, like when they are playing video games and don’t want to stop to clean up.
○ Ask, “Why is clean-up time challenging for you? How can we address those problems to make it easier and help you remember what you must do?”
○ Brainstorm ideas to solve the problem: “Could we set a timer at the end of game time so that when it goes off, you put your things away?”
● Make the agreements very clear. Be sure that you both are on the same page about the expectations. Teens love to look for loopholes, so talk through those. Say, “I want to ensure we are on the same page. Tell me your understanding of what I am asking you to do.” Ensure you have clarified whether “clean your room” means pick up, vacuum, or dust.
● Write the plan. Ensure your teen is writing down the plan (it doesn’t have to be perfect!). Make it simple.
● Post the plan in a visible location. Refer to it as a reminder, “What’s next on our plan?”
Tip: Create a checklist of your household responsibility plan on a whiteboard or chalkboard. Teens appreciate owning the list and may enjoy checking off their list.
Trap: Be sure you create your plan at a calm time. Don’t create your plan when you are either in the routine itself, are hungry or tired, or have time pressures.
Step 2. Teach New Skills
Some chores might be challenging for your teen initially. Frame these as evidence about how your teen is growing in terms of the responsibilities they are taking on. Though teens would often like to appear fully capable and independent, they are still learning the tasks of family life. Consider: “If my teen left our house and lived away from us today, would they know how to do laundry, pay utilities and rent, and prepare three healthy meals daily?” Thinking about what tasks they’ll need to be able to do when they are on their own can offer you guidance on areas to step up their responsibilities. You’ll need to teach them to do those new tasks when you've identified those areas.
Another helpful way to identify the tasks teens can take on to demonstrate greater responsibility is to learn what developmental milestones[4] they’re working on. Strategies can also be formed around developmental themes.^3Here are some examples:^4
● Fifteen-year-olds demonstrate greater independence while also respecting rules. You can connect greater privileges with their ability to show responsibility. They will have greater self-control than they did just a few years ago.
● Sixteen-year-olds may fight chores and routines and contribute to your household with more vigor as they grow in their confidence and identity and feel they should be free to do more on their own without the ties to your household. They desire risk-taking. Part-time jobs and getting a driver’s license can become a healthy way to fulfill that need. Find ways they can contribute by seeking their input and emphasizing the importance of adults - young adults too - taking responsibility for the care and upkeep of where they live.
● Seventeen-year-olds have completed puberty and thus fully inhabit their adult bodies, yet their adult brains have not fully formed. These young adults are beginning to envision their future outside of your home. Some may be terrified, while others will embrace and be excited by the future possibilities. They are more independent and take fewer risks as they view their uncertain adult future. They may better understand that their contributions to your household reflect their growth and responsibility.
● Eighteen-year-olds will be more comfortable with adult responsibilities and returning to you for advice. They no longer feel they need to fight for their independence since they are on the threshold of the adult world. They may fear their future and may also relish in the possibilities. Give them chances to try out new tasks they may need to learn for their future independent life.
● Nineteen-year-olds can live independently, so if they are not yet, think about them as independent emerging adults under your roof. They can and should be making decisions about their daily routines and bigger choices, like who to befriend or become romantic. They may seek your advice and guidance, knowing that they now have the right to choose for themselves. However, any adult must care for their environment, so while it will be essential to gain their input on how they want to show care, they still need to find ways to contribute to their household.
Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5] for unmet expectations.
Actions
● Teachers use a simple process called interactive modeling that can become a powerful teaching tool for parents or those in a parenting role.^5 If you suspect that your 15-19-year-old might resist being taught a new task by you, then this can be done subtly. Working on a project and chatting about what you are doing models the behaviors, promotes reflection on what you’re doing, and helps transfer the skills to your teen. Here’s the full process:
○ Say what you will model and why
○ Model the behavior
○ Ask your teen what they noticed
○ Invite your teen to model
○ Ask what they noticed with their modeling
○ Practice together
○ Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…”
● The following is an example of how this might look between a parent and teen discussing mowing the lawn. “I’d love to show you how to keep yourself safe while lawn mowing. I will show you some basics, but I want you to watch for what I do to keep safe. There are also a few things I will do that make things easier. I want you to see if you can catch these.”
Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits
If you seize the opportunity, daily chores can be opportunities for your teen to practice new skills. With practice, your teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen performs the chore.
Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy - a teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.
Actions
● Use “I’d love to see…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When teens learn a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love to see how you make dinner for the family.” Recognize effort. Parents and those in a parenting role often offer feedback on what teens are not doing right, but how often do they recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice...” statements like, “I notice how you brought back the garbage can from the curb today without me asking -- that’s taking responsibility!”
● Proactively remind. You may whisper in your teen’s ear, “Remember how to stay safe when moving the lawn? What are they?”
Trap: Don’t constantly repeat yourself. Teens often need more time to perform challenging tasks, even if you believe they are simple and don’t require much time. Be sure to wait enough for them to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can do what you need.
Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success
At this point, you’ve taught your teen a new or challenging task so that they understand how to perform it. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and applying logical consequences when appropriate. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.
Actions
● Actively reflect on how chores are going. Ask questions like, “How are you feeling about when it’s time to clean up? Do you know where everything goes?”
● Infuse some fun! Why not make clean-up or chore time fun? Working together as a family can be enjoyable. Turn on some of your teen’s favorite music or sing a song while working.
● Reflect on outcomes: “It looks like you forgot to finish the laundry. What could help you remember in the future?”
● Stay engaged. Working together on particularly challenging times of the routine can help offer additional support and motivation for your teen when tough issues arise.
● Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel your teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.
Trap: Check your tone and attitude toward chores! Your teen will also groan if you groan when it’s time to get them done, which could add to your challenge of getting them involved. If you approach chores with a “let’s dig in together” attitude, that’s how your teen will learn to approach them as well.
Step 5. Recognize Efforts
No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.
If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child's confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.
There are many ways to reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.
Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You remembered to do your laundry and clean your room—I love seeing that!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.
