Screen time battles usually come down to one thing: you don't have a plan, so you're making the same exhausting decision over and over, in the moment, while your kid is asking (again).

The fix is to decide your rules in advance - which devices, what content, when, and for how long - based on what your kid actually needs rather than an arbitrary time limit. Then, use the Limit Setting Formula to communicate the plan: tell your kid what they can have, and the condition they need to meet to get it. Hold the limit, even through the meltdown that follows.

Between the frustration that you're dealing with constant requests and decisions, confusion, and conflicting information, it’s no wonder you’re overwhelmed. There’s a lot of mental and emotional stuff going on - and it’s just one small piece of parenting.

Today, I’m sharing best practices and how to create a tech plan for your own family.

You’ll Learn:

• The 4 tech decisions you need to make
• When to allow screens (and why school days are the easiest thing to make a blanket rule)
• A simple, logical way to determine how much screen time your kid gets
• What to do when your kid melts down or won't turn it off
• How to create your family’s tech and screen time plan

Read the full blog post here.

---------------------------------

Related Episodes:

• Episode 129: Screen Free Mindset
• Episode 67: Screen Time Strategies

Free Resources:

Common Sense Media

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✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here

Connect With Darlynn:

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host, I'm Darlynn Childress, and I'm a life and parenting coach. And today I'm going to talk about your least favorite

subject, but the one that you want the most help with in, and that is tech and screen use with your kids. Now I know that

this is such a frustrating topic for you as a parent because There's like so much confusion about what is good and what

is not good and how much time and what devices and what content and all of that. I wanna break that down for you today and talk about sort of the best practices

in terms of tech use, like what that your kids should do, what you wanna avoid, and then also talk about how to decide for your own family what your plan is, as well

as how to use the limit setting formula. Mm-hmm. which is part of the Connected Parenting Process, in order to set up your screen use plan as a family, your tech

plan as a family, and then how to stick to that plan no matter what's going on. I think this episode is probably going to be really useful for any parent who's listening

who has ever had a child ask all the time for the iPad or for your phone or to look up stuff on the computer. Have you ever had a kid who

won't get off once you've asked them, even though you've given them a bunch of warnings and you told them how much time and you've like set it all up and you still have a kid that won't get off and you're

really frustrated by that? Or you have a kid who afterwards acts like a complete wild animal because they've been watching something for, you know, an hour or

whatever it is and they haven't moved their body and they are like a Tasmanian devil as soon as they get off of their devices. So I wanna talk to you about how to handle

all of that, how to avoid getting asked all the time, what to do when they won't get off once you've asked them, and how to prevent all that emotional

dysregulation after they watch screens. So let's talk about a little bit about what's going on for you as the mom, right? I'm sure you're feeling pretty

angry or resentful about having to deal with this topic all the time, right? Having your kids ask all the time. Yeah. It brings up so much frustration

and annoyance with us. We also feel so drained from always having to make that decision and thinking, should they, should they not? I don't know. When did they use it? And then we feel

guilt if we say yes, we feel guilt because we kind of like it when they use their screens and we kind of feel bad that we're saying yes, but then we also feel guilty if we say no, because then our

kids are really upset and sad. And then of course, we're annoyed with the technology that it even exists and that it's so addictive. And then that leads us to being afraid of the

technology. Like, is my kid being addicted to it? You know, they act so crazy, they want it all the time. Are they addicted? So there's like all this mental and emotional stuff going on as

a parent, as well as just the demand on you as— as well as the demand on you. And I want to clear all of that up. I know that what

you want as a parent is you want to know what's best, right? What are the experts saying? What is the right device? When should they use it? How much time should they spend on it? What should they be

watching? What's okay? What's not okay? You want to know what your own plan is, how to make a plan, how to even figure this out, how to have clarity around it. So it's

not a constant confusion for you. And then you want to be able to stick to it, right? How to handle all of those times when your kids don't keep your boundaries or

they are off track. How do you use technology with your limits in a way that doesn't feel mean or spiteful or threatening or bribing, but feels aligned and

helps move your kids towards more responsibility, right? Don't we want that? So let's talk about best practices first. So the first question I always get asked is how much

time is okay, right? How much time should my kid have on their tech? And really, I want you to think about technology in terms of opportunity cost.

What do I mean by opportunity cost? It's the idea that every time your child is using a device, Or is on tech or on a screen,

that that is a time where they're not doing something else, which is true of everything, right? While your child is sleeping, they're not doing their homework, right?

While they're eating, they're not also moving their body. There's always going to be opportunity costs for everything because we can't do everything all the time at one time.

But what I want you to be thinking about is what are the things that I should prioritize as a parent? And what are the things that are most important? Making sure your kids' time is

balanced in the areas that are important, and then whatever is left over can be given towards tech or screen time. So what are these priorities? What

are these things that kids need, right? We want to create a balanced life where kids get all of their physical, emotional, cognitive, and

social needs met. And technology can play a part in some of those, but for the most part, it doesn't meet our kids' primary needs.

What does meet those needs is sleep. We want to make sure our kids are getting around 10 hours of sleep. Between the ages of 6 to

14, they need about 10 hours of sleep. And that's a good guideline. Maybe your kid needs a little bit less. Maybe your kid needs a little bit more, but we want to have kids that are sleeping. You know,

from 8 PM to 6 AM or whatever that is, right? So kids need to sleep, right? They need to eat. We want to make sure we're giving them enough time to have those balanced

meals and that the mealtimes are prioritized. We want to make sure they're moving that body, getting 60 minutes of exercise a day, 60 minutes of movement.

Some kids get that done at school and some don't. So you want to be looking at, am I getting enough movement with my kids? Am I allowing enough time for their cognitive development? So are they

having time to do their schoolwork? Are we making time for any sort of tutoring or other educational therapies that you have put in there? Are they getting enough

social time, spending time with friends, spending time with you as a parent, spending time with their siblings and as a family? When your kids are on individual devices in individual

rooms, they're not hanging out with each other. They're not hanging out with you. They're hanging out with the internet. And that is a missed opportunity for them to get that social emotional need met.

Kids need time for free play. They need, you know, time with unstructured, no adults guiding. It's not just like free play is not soccer practice, right? Because there's an adult in

charge and the adult's telling you what to do, guiding everything. We want our kids to have time outdoors, time inside playing with their toys. And when they play on

a device, they not only lose the time for free play, but they also lose the skill of developing their own creativity. And then of course, we want our kids to make

meaningful contributions to the community. We want them to do chores. We want them to be helpful around the house. When they feel connected to the family, they're more connected to

the family. We connect them by spending time with them, by, but also by giving them personal responsibility. So noticing if you are not

prioritizing these other areas, or if there hasn't been enough time for those other areas, then you may want to decrease the amount of tech time. So instead of looking at tech and

saying, okay, I'm going to do an hour a day, actually do an assessment of how much time your kids are getting in these different areas. And if there's enough time left over, that's then

your amount that you have left. It's like discretionary spending, right? That's the amount of time your kids have left. to do tech. And when they're doing tech, remember

that they're not like pursuing their hobbies or whatever, right? That it is taking away opportunity for them to grow as people, but it's also delightful and fun and they love it and it's

entertaining and there's nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you're not doing that at the expense of other areas of their life. The other thing you wanna look at in terms

of how much time is noticing if the amount of time your kid currently has makes them dysregulated. So if you have a kid who watches

a show for an hour and then is super wild, maybe that is not the right amount of time for that kid. Maybe that's too much frequency. Maybe an hour a

day is too much for that child. I know that was true with my kid that had ADHD. It was not okay for him to sit for so long getting all that

dopamine and that input without moving his body. So I had to really limit it and be careful. With not just how much time, but how much time each time, right? He could maybe

have 3 hours in a day, but it couldn't be all at once. Notice if you need to set some limits based on your kid's behavior. So how much time should be

determined by how busy your lifestyle is and, and how much your kid's nervous system can handle that dysregulation. Okay. Let's move on to talking about

what kind of devices are best. There's a lot of questions about whether kids should get a smartphone, right? And the prevailing wisdom around that is they should not get a smartphone

until they're around 14 years old, and they shouldn't have social media till they're 16. But what I see as a big issue with, in my practice working with parents, is actually

iPads. That kids have iPads starting like at 2 years old, 3 years old. And what that means is that they have a portable device that they're

becoming used to having access. To stimulation, to entertainment, to the internet, to like other outside world in their

house, kind of walking around their house. So the prevailing wisdom is that kids ages 2 to 12 do better with a screen that's

shared and stays in one place. So like a television or a computer, desktop computer, not a laptop computer or an iPad. Or

a Kindle that has internet access. The idea is that there's like a community place that people watch television or watch shows or play video games, and it's not in

their own room. It's not a personal portable device that belongs to your kids. Now, I do make an exception when it comes to traveling. I do think it's useful to

have like an iPad or some sort of device that your kids can have access to while you're on an airplane or in a long road trip. Because it can be really hard to sit still for 3, 4

hours without any like stimulation, right? That's challenging for kids. So keeping iPad for a special occasion or a portable device for a

special occasion will help your kid not develop that habit of needing that device all the time in the house. So typically we wanna have that device only be used outside the

house on special occasions. Let's talk about content now. Like, what kind of content is appropriate? Now, you're probably familiar with Common Sense

Media. It's a website that evaluates the age appropriateness for different games, television shows, apps, sort of any media.

It helps you decide what is appropriate for your kid, and it kind of gives an explanation of why their recommendation is the recommendation it is. Most of the

time their recommendation is aligned with the guidance of the rating system, right? Like games are rated and television shows and

movies, and they're, you know, rated PG, PG-13, or Teen, or Mature, or G for General Audience. So, and you can use those

guidelines as your general guidelines, and if you want more specific information, you can go to Common Sense Media. I know that for my family, we decided to

make things simple and just follow the rating system that was on the device or on the television program because it made it easy to stop arguing about it.

It was like, if this thing— if the experts and the professionals have decided that this is for 7 and up and you're only 6, then the answer is no. And it made it easier, so

there was less arguing. You can also notice if you show something to your kids and they seem to start copying that behavior, or they're mimicking

the behavior, they are really dysregulated after they watch that show, or they have kind of a sassy attitude after they watch it, or they're really wild once they play that game. That's a

good indicator to you that maybe that show or that video game or that app is not appropriate for your particular child. Maybe it is suitable for that age. But

maybe not for your kid. Every kid's nervous system is different. It can handle things differently. So you want to be careful that you don't just blatantly say yes. If you decide something is

appropriate, introduce it, but don't introduce a bunch of new things at once because it'll be hard for you to tell which one is having an impact. Introducing a game at a time or an app at a time or a

new show at a time and kind of seeing how your kid's behavior changes or doesn't change. And then, you know, oh, this works for our family. Okay, now when should your kids

use their devices, right? We've kind of talked about how much, how to determine how much works, what devices, what content, but like when, when should they

use it? Should they use it on school days or not, in the mornings or only on the weekends? My recommendation is not on school days, Monday through Thursday, either before school or

after school, because when I look at families, I tend to see that there's just not enough time in the day, in the afternoon, to have

your kids get all those other needs met that they have. Having screens in the afternoon makes it really challenging to get your kids to play or get your kids to do their chores or do their homework.

You can use it as motivation if you want. You can connect, you know, that screen time privilege with homework and chores. But I would also recommend that you make sure they're

getting movement, they're getting time to free play, they're getting time to play with you. And noticing that if the device time is impinging on

your time as a family, then you might want to decide as a family, we're not going to use devices Monday through Thursday. Making a rule around school days takes the battle out

of it. You don't even have to talk about it. It's not on the table. And the same in the mornings. You don't have to say yes, but you can if it works for your family. But in general,

I've noticed that families have a lot of trouble getting out the door in the morning and TV can be a big part of that. Parents get— have a lot of trouble getting their kids to bed, and TV can be a big part of that. I want

you to realize that if TV or screens or gaming or anything like that is getting in the way of getting your kids' needs met, then that means it's probably not a good idea

for them to do it at that time. So what about weekends? I love weekend morning cartoons. I think that helps parents be able to wake up a little bit slower, have an

easier morning, have kids occupied. But recognize that when your kids are watching TV in the morning, they're not necessarily eating. They might not be getting dressed. They

might not be moving their body. So when you get done with that cartoon time, it may end up into some dysregulation. So you just wanna be ready for some sort of task or shift so that you

can not have so much dysregulation right after they watch shows. And then on the weekends in the afternoon, it makes sense to maybe have an hour or 2 in the late afternoon where

everyone's kind of chilled after a weekend of activity and you want to maybe watch a family movie or have them watch a movie on their own so that you can get some rest or relaxation

done. I want you to feel free to use tech and use devices at times that actually make sense and work for you and where you are

and where your kids can handle turning it off without a problem. And it's not so dysregulating. Now that you have ideas about best practices in terms of How

much, what devices, what content, and when. It's time to make your own plan. It's time to make your own decisions. Deciding in advance what works for your family

will help you avoid all that mental overload and the decision fatigue. So the first thing you want to decide is what devices are allowed in your family. Just pick, decide if you're

an iPad family at home or not. Pick if you're a family that has a desktop computer that your kids can use. Can they use a laptop computer? Are you using portable devices?

If you are, where and where can they use them? Can they use them all over the house? Can they only use them while they're sitting? Really think about devices and which ones you want your kids to use.

If you wanna make it simple and easy, don't have portable devices inside the house. Like only use those when you're out traveling or doing something outside the home where you need your kids to be

occupied. But if you do use an iPad or a portable device inside the house, make decisions about where it can be Make decisions about content.

Are you going to use common sense media? Are you going to use ratings? Like what shows are appropriate? How do you want to make decisions about what content is allowed? Deciding right now what

content works for your kids is going to be helpful for you when they come and they say, oh, my friends are all watching this movie, or my friends are playing this video game. You'll be able to decide for

yourself whether that works. Or you could say, you know what, I need to do some research about it. And then you go to Common Sense Media and you go to figure out what actually makes sense for your kids.

Does this show or video game, is it appropriate for your kid and their age? So deciding about your content, deciding when, when do they use it? Before school,

school days, weekends? Are you making it conditional? Like they can use it before school as long as, using that limit setting formula, like— I

love to think about this as ideally, what is your ideal preference? If your ideal preference is no device on school mornings, fine, make it no

screens on school mornings. If you would rather not have the battle Monday through Thursday, just decide, okay, we don't use it as a family. If you only want it one day on the

weekend, pick. Be like, you know what, I only want one day on the weekend. Some days it's gonna be Saturdays, some days it's gonna be Sundays. But I only want it one day. I don't want it the other day. You

thinking in advance is going to help you when it comes to making those decisions in the moment, because you'll have already planned it. And then thinking about when your

kids use it, how much time makes sense. How much time do your kids actually have in terms of discretionary time or disposable time that you want them to use devices

or tech or screens? So thinking about your plan, deciding your rules, it doesn't have to be that complicated, just making a few decisions. And then you need

to communicate the plan. Now I do wanna say you can change the plan. Like you're the adult, you can have it be set up a certain way and then maybe there's a sick day or you're just done and you wanna show a movie

on a school night. The more routine you have it, the more predictable it is for your kids. Then when you move away from the routine, They know

it's a special occasion, and then they know you're gonna reset back to your limit. Now, if you've gotten to a point where your family has no routines and no limits, you might need to be strict for a

couple of weeks and then start to add, you know, bonus times or, you know, change your routine a little bit once you have created that rhythm. I always think

it takes about 3 weeks to make a pattern or a new limit in a family, and then after that, you can have some more flexibility. Now let's talk about how to use the limit setting

formula to communicate your screen time limits. I love the limit setting formula because it kind of tells your kids what they are allowed to do,

and then the conditions that they get that thing in, right? So let me give you some examples so you know what I mean. You are welcome to watch a show tomorrow,

as long as there's no problems turning it off today. So you say, here, yeah, you're welcome to watch TV today as long as your homework gets done and your chores are

finished before 5:30. And then as they— okay, they beat it, they— yay, they got that limit. And then you say, just reminder that tomorrow I'll make my decision whether you can

watch it based on whether or not you turn it off tonight. So being able to say, you're welcome to watch the show tomorrow as long as there's no problems getting off today.

This is how you will eliminate all of the negotiating and fighting that happens when it's time to turn off the device or the show ends and you say no more. You want to

have the condition of tomorrow's use of the device be conditional based on today's behavior. So that's a really useful limit to

eliminate that kind of negotiation. You are welcome to use the device as long as there's no problems getting off. And there's a delayed consequence, but the

consequence is built in. If there's a problem getting off today, then the next time they're not gonna be able to use it. Here's a generic limit around iPads. If you've decided that you're

not gonna have portable devices in your family, you can tell your kids, you can use your iPad as long as we are traveling on a plane or on road trips longer than 1 hour. So

you set your boundary, you let them know when they can have it and the conditions that they can have it under. I'm happy to let you watch shows as long as they're approved for your age.

So that's your boundary. When they say, Mom, can I watch this? Say, what's my rule? I'm happy to let you watch shows as long as they're approved for your age. I will look that up and I'll let

you know. We're using this limit-setting language so that we can have a very clear boundary. So instead of saying, oh, I don't know. I don't know. Let me look.

It's clearer when you say, You can watch shows that are age-appropriate. Here's another limit-setting example. You kids can watch a show this

afternoon as long as there are no arguments at the store today. So imagine a scenario where your kids keep fighting all the time and you know you need to go to the dentist,

go to the shoe store, do an Amazon return, and run by the grocery store. And you have decided that after they do all that, you're gonna be tired. And in the afternoon, they're

gonna be able to watch a movie or whatever they're gonna do, play video games, depending on their age. So you can let your kids know that that's on the table, that they can watch

a show or play video games in the afternoon, as long as there are no arguments at the errands today. Then if there's a problem, you don't have to get so angry. You can just be like, oh,

it looks like you guys are having some trouble. Okay, I'll have to do some thinking about that. And then when they are in the afternoon and they're like, mom, mom, mom, can we watch a movie? You can say, no, sorry.

Because of what happened this afternoon, I'm not having you watch a show today. Now, I'm sure some of you are like, well, that sucks for me. That's a punishment for me. Yeah. If it's not something that you wanna make

conditional, then don't threaten it. Only use your limits for things that you want to make conditional. Here's some other conditional things, right?

I'm happy to let you watch TV on school days as long as your homework and chores are done by 5:30. If you've decided that there is time in the day for your kids to watch TV

or do something on school days, as long as they move their body, do their homework, have some free time, do their chores. You can set that all

up as you can do— you can have your free screen time as long as you meet these other standards, you meet these expectations, you meet these conditions.

So the limit setting formula is what your kid can have or what you will give them And under what conditions. You can watch a show in the mornings as long as you have all your morning

work done by 7:45. I'm happy to let you play video games this afternoon as long as there are no problems at your soccer game. So you can use

screen and tech as motivation, but first clarify your limit to your child so that they can connect the dots between not having

the video game in the afternoon is directly connected to my behavior at the soccer game. And it takes out all the moralizing and the lecture and all the

conversations about their behavior. It's a little bit more clean. So the limit-setting formula is the privilege that your kids have under the

conditions that you have set up. And remember that tech and screens, those are real privileges. Those are not things that your kids need.

In order to develop well. Many, many generations have developed without having tech or screens in their childhood, especially portable devices and access to the

internet. But it is best for your kid's nervous system to have it limited and to have it be quality content done in a community environment.

So you're going to set up your limits, and then what you need to do is follow through. If you say you can only have this under these conditions and your kids don't meet those

conditions, Then that means they don't get the privilege of the television or the video game or the screen or whatever it is. So you are going to have kids

who experience negative consequences and they are going to have a big feeling about that. Expect MELT. Expect kids to have trouble not

getting the thing that they want. In that moment, try not to lecture. Don't moralize. Don't try to say, well, look, you're so addicted. You're so brainwashed or whatever. Just let them have their feeling. The

feeling is called disappointment, frustration, anger. They don't like not having what they wanted. That's normal. I feel the same. I

like what I like. I wanna get what I want. And if I don't get what I want, I get frustrated by it. And so expect that meltdown and allow a little

bit of protest. Now, what if you say, okay, you need to turn it off and they don't turn it off? I want you to let them get away with that a little bit because you know

that tomorrow or the next time that they're gonna be able to normally use that privilege, they're not gonna have it. So knowing that there will be a consequence will help you get calm.

If you have said, you know, turn off the TV or hand me the remote or hand me the iPad and your child is refusing to, and they're running around in circles and whatever, and they're still using it, the

best practice is for you to stay calm and just wait for them. Mm-hmm. to turn it off on their own while being kind of quiet and looking at

them with a neutral face and waiting for your kid to listen to you. Most kids are compliant. They just aren't compliant as fast as you want them to be.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to be quiet and wait for your child to get the idea that it's in their best interest to listen to you. If you need to take a

little break and say, I'm going to go drink some water and I'm gonna come back to see if you've turned it off. That can often diffuse the situation enough where your kid kind of is like, wait, what's happening?

Why is she quiet? Why is she not yelling at me? Why is she not arguing with me? Sometimes we've trained our kids to have that tussle, that argument, so that they can have some power, some

agency, and dump some of those negative emotions onto us when they're getting that boundary. Instead, you can be neutral and and wait for your child's

emotions to cycle through and for their brain to catch up to what's happening, and that's when you see compliance. So I never think of it really as

defiance. I think of it as delayed compliance. Kids, especially in the beginning, if you have to tell them no, they're not having a device, or they have a consequence because

they missed out on the opportunity to get that device 'cause they didn't finish their homework, they didn't finish their chores, they didn't beat the timer, or whatever the thing is, whatever the condition was,

If your kids don't meet the condition, they probably are going to have a big feeling cycle. Now, sometimes in that big feeling cycle, uh, stuff can get

broken or kids can get hit. Not you hitting them, but like they can hit their siblings or they can, you know, maybe hit you. They may have big feelings that come out through

their body. Now, in that moment, try not to get overwhelmed. And of course, everyone stays safe. You need to intervene if they're trying to like Dump all

their big feelings on their sibling. That's not safe. We move the sibling, but try not to get involved with your kid in those big feeling cycles. Let

the big feeling cycle play out and then delay. If you need to go back and have an act of restitution, or you need to have a consequence because they broke something, they need to

repay it, or they hurt their sibling and they need to make that up to their sibling, do that later once everyone's calm. Having consequences in the middle of a

consequence, in the middle of a big feeling cycle, never ends well. It only makes things worse. So avoid that by just being

calm, waiting, delaying, and then following through later. So here's the recap for today. Decide your rules for screen time limits,

communicate those limits, and then follow through on those limits. Let your kids fail. Let them not meet the conditions that you've set and let them learn the

hard way. But it's not the mean way, right? It's not the lecture way. It's not the shame way. This is just logical, neutral.

Here's how it works in this family. You get this when you meet these conditions. The cool thing about the limit setting formula is as you do it in your bedtime routine, your

morning routine, Your screen use. You do it with homework. You do it with chores. You do it around snacks. As you do this more and more,

it becomes part of your family lifestyle where your children learn, it's in my best interest to listen to my parents. When I listen,

then I have privileges. When I don't listen, I don't have privileges. Instead of Threatening or bribing or

getting angry or yelling or lecturing. You can stay calm, communicate your limit, let your kid fail, let them

experience the impact of their decision, and then try again another time. That's where the real learning happens. So for this week, I'd love for you just to figure out your

screen time plan. Maybe you don't implement the screen time limits yet. Maybe you just think about it like, Okay, I don't want to have them do it on Monday through Thursday. Let me imagine what that

would be like today, like on a Tuesday, like they wouldn't have it. So what would I do? Kind of give yourself time to get used to your own ideas before you communicate your

limits, and then using that limit-setting formula to communicate those limits and following through. So thanks for listening. I hope you learned something new. I hope this was

helpful. If it was, please feel free to share this episode with a friend. Or you can rate and review on the podcast. If you're watching on YouTube, you can like this

podcast or subscribe even. That would be wonderful. I really appreciate your time. I'm so glad you're here, and I will talk to you next week. Bye.