Disrespect

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your teen to communicate well; working with them to transform disrespect is a perfect opportunity.   

You can be purposeful and deliberate about responding when you feel your teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. This can occur because they feel angry or hurt toward a parent, teacher, or family member. They may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills[1] : self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset. 

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their teens on positive ways to seek and use power. Yet, when they are disrespectful, it can offend or hurt personally. Parents often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their teens will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe. 

Research confirms that when teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.^1 Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your teen’s skills can transform your relationship.

Why Transform Disrespect?

When your fifteen-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your eighteen-year-old intentionally skips a family gathering when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect. 

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your teen regain calm and focus

●      a greater understanding in you of the connection between your teen’s feelings and their behaviors 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

●      a growing understanding of rules and expectations 

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

●      grow assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with various relationships

Five Steps for Transforming Disrespect

This five-step process helps you transform disrespect in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[2] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. 

Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.

Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

A teen’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences. Feelings are not right or wrong, but your teen’s behaviors in response to their feelings may be appropriate or inappropriate. 

You can help your teen better uncover and understand their feelings[5]  by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input: 

●      Uncovering your teen's feelings can transform an unsafe or inappropriate behavior into a teachable moment.

●      You can better understand why your teen is behaving in a certain way.

●      You can begin teaching your teen how to understand their feelings, which will give them more control.

●      You can grow their self-control, social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Before you can get input from your teen to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. Your teen will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

●      Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths or sit quietly for a few minutes. An upset parent or someone in a parenting role can unwittingly fuel the flames of an angry teen, so calming down first is necessary.

Teens ages 15-19 are still learning to identify and understand their feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. They will need your support to figure this out. When you and your teen are calm, reflect on their feelings so you can be prepared to help. 

●      Ask yourself: “Does my teen have an unmet need? Are they hungry  or tired?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your face got red when your sister walked in. Were you feeling frustrated?” 

○      “I’ve noticed you haven’t been hearing from your friends. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to your teen's concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your teen is communicating. 

○      Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is essential for you to check your understanding while teaching teens how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this: 

■      Teen: “When my brother told me to leave his room, I got so mad that I yelled and called him a name.” 

■      Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear that when your brother told you he wanted you to leave his bedroom, you responded by yelling an insulting name at him.” 

■      You can reflect on the implied feeling if you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example. Also, you can seek further clarification if needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I hear you were mad. Were your feelings hurt too when he told you to leave?”

●      Remember, you can empathize and validate your teen’s feelings even if you disagree with their behaviors. Empathy does not equal your approval of how your teen behaved. Empathy shows your care about understanding your teen’s thoughts and feelings. Any conversation on behavior correction will be better heard by your teen once they feel heard. Chances are, they don’t feel great about their behavior either. 

Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the teen uncover feelings.

Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of transforming disrespect is to grow new skills and behaviors to replace behaviors that hurt others and cause disconnection in relationships. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Understanding your feelings and behaviors when your teen misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

●      “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?” 

●      “How do I respond to my anger?” 

●      “How do I want my teen to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your teen’s developmental milestones[6]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your teen. 

●      Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and preoccupied with peer impressions. Conflict may arise if teens fear failure in front of you, their teacher, or their peers. 

●      Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school, and along with them, they may experience stress and worries. They may be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing, but that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals and feel the stress of adult choices ahead. Conflicts may arise with you as they assert independence but also feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared of their future adult lives.

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are considered emerging adults. Sometimes, they may exude confidence, while others may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. Conflict may arise as you renegotiate your adult-to-adult relationship with them. 

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.^1 Two specific areas of focus are required to transform disrespect. They are (1) dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and (2) learning to use and share power constructively. 

Trap: It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to immediately address the underlying feelings with a simple “No” or other way of shutting it down. Remember, all feelings are valid and need to be accepted. All reactions to feelings may not be acceptable.

Actions for Dealing with Challenging Feelings

●      At a calm time, ask, “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?” Share ideas and practice them together, such as taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, taking a walk, or talking to yourself or a friend. 

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Teens ages 15-19 are still learning about identifying their feelings, especially when there is a difficult range or mix of emotions. Use feeling words for yourself and others in your family regularly. Do feelings check-ins when your family is together. Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.  Remember to identify positive emotions as well!

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s an example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

Tip: Create a signal you each can use when you, your teen, or both are overwhelmed by challenging feelings. You might say, “I need a minute!” or “Code red!” Practice using it so that it becomes a habit to pause when angry or upset before responding.

Actions for Using Power Constructively

●      Model words and actions that are respectful to them and others. Your teen’s first teacher of social and emotional skills is your modeling of behaviors. 

●      Teach your teen positive ways to seek control or power. How can they demonstrate responsibility by caring for their possessions, their schoolwork, or for a sibling? Each time your teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to model and reinforce that can replace the inappropriate behavior.

●      Talk through ethical dilemmas in your life, whether stories are taken from friends’ or neighbors’ lives or in local or national news. Make sure you talk about choices and outcomes, tying cause to effect. Predict what might happen and what other options the person had in sticky situations. These conversations help create new brain connections to develop your teen’s higher-order thinking skills further and strengthen their ability to make responsible decisions.

●      Teach your teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching teens about managing anger and responding to others respectfully is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another. But it’s that next step that matters in repairing the relationship. Teens will need your guidance and support in following through to mend broken things or relationships. After all, it takes courage to apologize and admit to wrongdoing sincerely.

●      End the day with love. If teens act disrespectfully during the day, they may end the day feeling bad about themselves. Teens can tie your love to their behavior. If you act proud of them, they feel loved. If you are disappointed or mad at them, they feel unloved. Be sure to spend one-on-one time with your teen if they have had rough patches that day. This teaches them that they are loved no matter what choices they make. It encourages them to practice new ways of behaving.

Tip: Create a ritual of sharing words of love and care at bedtime (yours or theirs!). Ending the day reflecting on how much you appreciate one another could be the best way to send your teen off to sleep. 

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can take the form of role-playing, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen performs the new action.

Actions

●      Accept feelings. If you will help your teen manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings -- even ones you don’t like. When your teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better? Would some quiet time help you feel safe and supported?” Then (after calming down), focus on teaching and practicing better behavior.

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When teens learn a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. Say, “Show me how you can make a good choice regarding your sister.” This practice will remind your teen to use their power wisely if tempted to misbehave to meet their needs.

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. Even if small, offering them a choice—“Do you want to do your homework after school or after practice?”—can restore a sense of control to their lives and offer valuable practice in responsible decision-making.

●      Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.

●      Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you used our ‘code red’ signal. It worked! That’s excellent!”

●      Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your teen anytime, anywhere, it’s essential to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. Here’s an enjoyable way to practice together!

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need you to be by their side through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision making.

●      Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What were your highs and lows of the day?  This question allows your teen to share their difficult moments and bright spots with you. You should answer the questions as well. Teens may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day (and may get plenty of negative messaging through social media or peer critics), yet grateful thoughts are a central contributor to happiness and well-being. They realize they are not powerless but quite powerful.

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