Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

Laura and Xhafer begin their coverage of Crusade. Laura bemoans the show's sad beige aesthetic. Xhafer needs more cowbell in his space battles. Meanwhile, Captain Gideon assembles a crew to search for a cure for the Drakh Plauge in Crusade: Episode 1 - Warzone.

Hello and welcome to Who Are You?

2

This is a Babylon 5 watchcast hosted

by two former strangers now friends

3

who have gotten to know each other

while we were watching a favorite

4

show from their childhood, Babylon 5.

5

I'm Trafair.

6

Laura: And I'm Laura, and this

is a Crusade Watchcast Now.

7

Xhafer: Yep, we did it.

8

We are on to Crusade.

9

We've got 13 episodes of Crusade.

10

We're watching it in JMS's recommended

order which is not anywhere close to air

11

order, but also only five episodes aired,

so that gets super fucky really quick.

12

Laura: Yeah.

13

Yeah.

14

Xhafer: But we are watching

what is the first episode,

15

regardless of order, I think.

16

I think they all start with Warzone,

for probably pretty obvious reasons.

17

This is really about getting

the crew together and stuff, so.

18

Laura: Yeah, you can't not

put this episode first, right?

19

Xhafer: Yeah.

20

JMS hated this fucking episode.

21

Uh, This episode was made

entirely at the behest of TNT.

22

He didn't want to make this episode.

23

He didn't think it was necessary.

24

Laura: Okay.

25

Xhafer: Watch Call to Arms,

we'll work the other characters

26

in as they show up, we're good.

27

Was kinda his thought.

28

Laura: I don't know if

I buy that, actually.

29

I might be on TNT's side here.

30

Xhafer: If it was just gonna be The

Long Road as the next episode, cause

31

Spoilers, we're recording back to back

today, so we've already watched a ton

32

of our Noteswatch of the next episode.

33

Laura: Mm hmm.

34

Xhafer: I would agree

that that's a tough pilot.

35

Laura: Yeah, like, no.

36

Xhafer: But, if we

think back to Babylon 5,

37

Laura: Sure.

38

Xhafer: it is along the lines of an

episode like Midnight on the Firing Line.

39

Laura: I would argue it is not as

good as Midnight on the Firing Line.

40

Xhafer: Oh, well I'm not

trying to say it's as good as

41

Midnight on the Firing Line.

42

I am defending zero episodes

of Crusade at this time.

43

Heh heh.

44

But,

45

Laura: good, good.

46

Xhafer: It's more along the lines

of that story that that episode's

47

trying to tell, where it's not, it,

it, that episode very much starts

48

in media res this episode does not.

49

So, yeah, and speaking of starting

in media res, we start in media

50

media with ISN in a broadcast, oh

shit, no, we have to do an intro.

51

Laura: was

52

Xhafer: I just steamrolled past the

cold open because I saw, I saw my segue.

53

Laura: good opening, but I was like,

wait, where are we going to do that now?

54

Or I mean, we can just do

episode now if you want.

55

Xhafer: No, we, we have new questions for

our new series because this show asks a

56

handful of questions in its introduction.

57

Some of which, as an audience,

I know we're familiar with.

58

Who are you?

59

What do you want?

60

Kind of our thing here.

61

So, but they ask two more questions

that we're going to ask ourselves.

62

And we're going to ask the

guests that we've got lined up.

63

Coming down the pipeline for Crusade

here, which is where are you going, whom

64

do you serve, and whom do you trust?

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Laura: These could get

really deep, really fast.

66

Where are you going?

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Maybe not as much, but the

other two, it's like, whoa.

68

Xhafer: Yeah But we're not starting there.

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We're starting with where are you going?

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So Laura, I have to ask,

where are you going?

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Woop

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Laura: answer is that we're going

to Star Trek Las Vegas soon.

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Right?

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Because

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Xhafer: woop!

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Laura: talking about that

only for like the whole year.

77

Right?

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Xhafer: Right, we're very,

we're both very excited.

79

Um, it's looking like most of

the PodFam is going to be there.

80

Laura: hmm.

81

Xhafer: very excited to get to hang

out with everyone all together.

82

Laura: In

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person.

84

Xhafer: I'm so excited for you to get to

hang out with Ben and Glorianne in person.

85

Laura: I really am.

86

Like, you and Beth are great, but I

haven't met them yet, and just working

87

with Glow on the last few episodes of

Cool Girls, like, I am ready for a hang.

88

I need this.

89

Xhafer: Yeah.

90

Yeah, no, you three should go off

and do, find some explosions to

91

not look at and get some photos.

92

It's Vegas, there has to be

an explosion somewhere you can

93

Laura: Right?

94

On that big, like, the sphere, right?

95

Somebody ought to do explosions on that.

96

Surely.

97

Xhafer: Yeah.

98

That'll happen, probably.

99

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

100

But the not obvious answer to

this question is I'm going on

101

a trip that I don't think I've

gotten to tell you about yet.

102

Xhafer: No, this is news.

103

Laura: Yeah.

104

So part of going back to school,

you know, I'm going to start

105

the PhD program on August 19th.

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Some of my funding comes from KPMG's PhD

project, and they let me know that I am

107

invited to a conference that KPMG pays

for Yeah, so like, I, I have to pay a

108

few things, but like the flight, hotel,

conference fees, that's all covered.

109

So,

110

that actually is happening

August 10th is the first day.

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Xhafer: So right after

we get back from Vegas.

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Laura: Literally, yes, like

August 10th through 14th, I'm

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going to be in Washington, D.

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C.

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for the American Accounting

Association conference.

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Xhafer: That's so cool.

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Laura: I'm really excited.

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I haven't been to DC in a long time.

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I was a teenager.

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Xhafer: I have a million

things to recommend.

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I spent a month in D.

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C.

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for work.

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Like, just living in

125

the city.

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Yeah, it's a

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great

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Laura: This is, like,

129

downtown, I think?

130

So it's over two hotels.

131

Like, it's at, like, the Marriott

and the Weston or something.

132

And my cousin who lives in DC was

telling me it is pretty close to, like,

133

the White House and all that stuff.

134

Xhafer: Yeah, that makes sense.

135

You'd need more space.

136

You need more hotels.

137

Because D.

138

C.

139

has very specific rules about

how tall buildings can be.

140

Laura: Yeah.

141

That makes sense.

142

I could see that.

143

You know, cities that have a reputation

to maintain need to have standards.

144

I get it.

145

Xhafer: Yeah, nothing's allowed

to be taller than the Capitol

146

building on top of Capitol Hill.

147

Laura: Yeah.

148

That makes sense.

149

Xhafer: And so if you're close, you only

have four or five stories to work with.

150

Laura: Okay.

151

Yeah.

152

And uh, you know, I guess

it's a pretty big conference.

153

I was looking at the schedule booklet.

154

Like, it is crazy.

155

Uh, But the first two days I spend

with KPMG's PhD Project students.

156

Like, we spend it all together.

157

And then we're free for

the rest of the conference.

158

But I did have to, like, sign a thing

saying, Yes, I'm going to attend

159

the conference and I'm not just

going to go sightseeing all day.

160

That's crazy.

161

Xhafer: Yeah.

162

Laura: So KPMG's clearly been

burned by somebody in the past.

163

Xhafer: Yeah.

164

You'll have some time, I'm sure, though.

165

There's stuff that doesn't close in DC.

166

Laura: Yeah.

167

I'm sure I'll get to go

walk around a little bit.

168

It's just going to be pretty hot,

I imagine, just like it is here.

169

So I'll be going from the surface of the

sun to maybe like the surface of Mercury.

170

Xhafer: Yeah, that's, that's hotter.

171

It's hot.

172

It's so

173

Laura: It's all hot.

174

It's all horrible.

175

Yeah.

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Xhafer: ugh, Anyways, that's so exciting!

177

Congratulations!

178

Laura: Yeah, thank you.

179

I'm super excited.

180

Xhafer: Yeah.

181

That's gonna be a blast.

182

I'm gonna ask you a really nerdy question.

183

Laura: I love a really nerdy question.

184

This is a Babylon 5 podcast, Ja'far.

185

Xhafer: You're going to

an accounting conference.

186

Laura: Indeed.

187

Xhafer: Are there any guest speakers that

you're particularly looking forward to?

188

Laura: Well, I don't really like know

the academia accounting stuff yet.

189

You know what I mean?

190

Like there's a couple of papers that

I've read that I'm like, Oh, it'd be

191

super cool if this author was there.

192

So I could like ask them about this

paper, you know, but it's like huge.

193

And I just, I don't have

my feet under me at all.

194

I can't believe they're sending

me to a conference before I've

195

actually started my program,

196

Xhafer: Yeah.

197

Laura: but it'll be a

great learning experience.

198

Xhafer: Yeah, no, that's super cool.

199

Congratulations.

200

Laura: Yeah.

201

How do we

202

segue that?

203

Xhafer: yeah, I had such a good one

before, I don't even know anymore.

204

Um, yeah, I don't know.

205

We just, it's an episode.

206

We have an episode of Babylon

5 Crusade to talk about.

207

Season 1, Episode 1, I guess I

don't have to specify Season 1.

208

Laura: Yeah, it's just crusade.

209

Like in my, in all of my notes, I

have like, you know, Kept the season

210

number, episode number, title,

and on Crusade, it's just Crusade

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Xhafer: Episode 1, yep.

212

Same.

213

Even in the big spreadsheet where

I track everything, it doesn't have

214

Season 1, it just says Crusade.

215

Laura: I'm not even putting

episode numbers on mine.

216

Cause it's like, they're not it's our

episode one, but do other people consider

217

it well, this one, they obviously should

218

Xhafer: I'm going to be, I'm going to be

saying the episode numbers per what I see

219

them on on DVDs and streaming services,

because that tends to be aligned.

220

Everything seems to be in

the same DVD release order.

221

And so I'm going to be calling out

what episodes they are in that order

222

for the benefit of anyone who's

trying to watch along at home with us.

223

So if like at the end of episode two, I'm

going to be like, Hey, and next up we have

224

episode eight, you didn't miss something.

225

We're just jumping around to follow JMS's

chosen true order to watch crusade in.

226

So that's what's going on.

227

Speaking of what's going on, that's

what we start with a bit of a recap.

228

We start in media, media found

it uh, as ISN broadcast is

229

catching us up on the battle.

230

At the end of Call to Arms and the

release of the Drak Plague over Earth.

231

Laura: I'm pretty sure that Gary

Cole, Matthew Gideon, as we find out,

232

he's giving us the voiceover, right?

233

I think it's the same voiceover that

Sheridan did at the end of Call to Arms.

234

Xhafer: Is it?

235

Laura: It's just like the same

speech, but he's doing it this time.

236

I I'm like 90 percent sure.

237

Maybe, maybe that's not true, but

238

Xhafer: Just have him re record that shit

so you don't have to pay Bruce again.

239

Laura: yeah.

240

Xhafer: Classic network shenanigans.

241

After this ISN broadcast,

we see Daniel Dae Kim,

242

Laura: Yeah.

243

Xhafer: Who was it?

244

Had a super sex a super

successful career after this.

245

Laura: You almost said super sexy career.

246

I saw it.

247

Yeah,

248

Xhafer: it's in there.

249

He's a Lieutenant Lieutenant Matheson

dealing with a possible mutiny of

250

some Martians on their Explorer class

ship who are refusing to go to Earth.

251

Laura: Yeah, they've, they're like

fistfighting this out, like, we

252

do not want to go to Earth, it

is full of germs, that's fair.

253

Xhafer: Yeah.

254

Laura: Uh,

255

Xhafer: Making people

go to Earth right now.

256

The number of humans

not on Earth is limited.

257

That is a resource you must preserve.

258

Laura: Exactly, yeah, yeah.

259

But Matheson can't quite break

them up perhaps they don't fully

260

trust Matheson for some reason.

261

Matheson and then.

262

Matthew Gideon comes in, also

known as Lumberg from Office Space,

263

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

264

Laura: and breaks it up for real.

265

Gets everybody in line.

266

Xhafer: Yeah.

267

He I, I looked into his career.

268

Because Beth and I were just

hanging out on the couch yesterday.

269

Mm hmm.

270

Loungin watchin some YouTube

like we like to do sometimes.

271

And she put on MediaSins for Dodgeball.

272

And I totally forgot that he was

one of the announcers in Dodgeball.

273

Laura: Was he really?

274

Xhafer: Yeah.

275

Laura: I bet that's good though.

276

I bet that's fun.

277

Oh,

278

Xhafer: given, you know,

I watched the show.

279

I was, I had watched episode

one at that point already and I

280

was about to watch episode two.

281

So, it was fun to see that.

282

And then I did a little deep breath.

283

Dive into his career.

284

I forgot that he was uh, VP

Bob Russell in the West Wing.

285

Laura: I didn't watch West Wing.

286

I'm

287

Xhafer: Oh, it's so good.

288

Laura: Maybe I'll last time on it someday.

289

Xhafer: Oh, that'd be good, yeah.

290

Well, you'll have to trade away Beth

if you want to do it on Cool Girls or

291

something, but we'll figure it out.

292

but yeah, he's uh, he's

an American Gothic.

293

We already said office space.

294

I didn't realize he's the voice of

Harvey Birdman, attorney at law.

295

Laura: Oh my God, really?

296

I love Harvey Byrd, Man, Attorney at Law.

297

It cracks me up.

298

Xhafer: Yeah.

299

Yep.

300

That's, that's our boy.

301

That's Gary Cole.

302

he's in Veep.

303

He's in like seasons of NCIS.

304

He has 205 acting credits.

305

Laura: Wow.

306

He's a that guy.

307

Okay.

308

Xhafer: He is such a that guy.

309

How many do you think our boy Bruce has?

310

Cause I checked, cause I wanted

to know how they stood up.

311

Laura: Oh, I'm going to go with a hundred.

312

Xhafer: 140.

313

Laura: Okay.

314

I was a little low, but yeah, still.

315

Hmm.

316

Xhafer: Mm Hmm.

317

And he's got a ton of series

regular stuff in movies.

318

It's not just one off TV shows.

319

Laura: Is it because Bruce is so,

like, distinctive that you have to

320

have a, a role for Bruce, whereas Gary

321

Xhafer: Mmm,

322

Laura: you can just kind

of slot him in sometimes?

323

Yeah.

324

Xhafer: So, a lot of Gary Cole's

stuff, especially in the last

325

15 years, is voice acting.

326

Laura: That's fair, sure.

327

Xhafer: Besides just Harvey

Birdman, he's been Commissioner

328

Gordon in a bunch of stuff.

329

Uh, he's been the Spectre in

a number of DC animated films.

330

Um, just all kinds of

like random odds and ends.

331

Laura: He's doing the Mark Hamill, yeah.

332

Xhafer: yeah, so good for him.

333

he, uh, is all like, Fine, I'll fight

you for the ship to this mutineer.

334

Takes him out.

335

Laura: I like that energy.

336

Like, I want to bring

that into my work, sure.

337

I'll fight you for it.

338

Xhafer: Yeah.

339

Laura: And it's full of

space debris to the theme.

340

And at this point, I wrote down,

this is the theme, question mark?

341

Xhafer: So I actually, I have a little,

like, so I'm watching like these

342

weird AI HD remasters at the show.

343

Right.

344

Cause it's, it's what I have access to.

345

Um, and so I'm like, Oh, maybe

the AI fucked with the theme.

346

Right.

347

So then I go, and I watch the second

episode and it's the same, and I'm

348

like, Mmm, I don't think that would

have happened, but maybe it's the whole

349

series, and it just got messed up somehow?

350

So then I went on YouTube, and then

I watched a theme there a third time,

351

and it was still the same shit, And

I'm just like, what is this Muzak?

352

Laura: Yeah.

353

It's not good.

354

I turned to Aaron after watching our

second episode today, and I was like,

355

Do you think the music killed this show?

356

Because it's just so not good.

357

It's not sci fi enough for me.

358

It's like, you think about Star

Trek, you think about early

359

Babylon 5, earlier Babylon 5.

360

The music really enhances the moments.

361

This music takes away from the moments.

362

Like, not just the theme, but

the music in the shows, the first

363

two episodes so far has been a

364

major disappointment.

365

Xhafer: It's like somebody

gave Moby a lobotomy and asked

366

him to write elevator music.

367

Laura: Yeah,

368

Xhafer: It's real bad.

369

Laura: did, I, I'm hoping TNT picked

this guy, or whatever, and not JMS,

370

Xhafer: even check and I

know it's not Kristoff.

371

Laura: it's not, yeah.

372

Is it the same guy as Call to Arms?

373

Cause that would make sense to

like, give him the movie because

374

you're giving him the show.

375

But I didn't like Call

to Arms much either.

376

Xhafer: Yeah.

377

It's bad.

378

Also, while we're talking about this

theme, this is the same font from the

379

you wouldn't download a car ads of

380

Laura: Okay.

381

Fonts in this show is gonna be a thing.

382

Cause episode two, I got something to say.

383

Xhafer: I know exactly

what you're talking about.

384

Laura: Yeah, yeah, this, I mean,

I thought, I thought to myself,

385

X Files, but you're right.

386

You wouldn't download a car.

387

It's that too.

388

Yeah.

389

Xhafer: Gideon regrets not getting

the uh, ship to Earth quick

390

enough in his Explorer class ship.

391

Which, hey, this doesn't

have any spinning bits.

392

How do they have artificial gravity?

393

Laura: Oh, good point.

394

That's been well established.

395

Xhafer: Yeah, we've seen

people on these ships, and they

396

don't have artificial gravity.

397

Laura: Yeah.

398

Hmm.

399

Yeah.

400

And we haven't, we haven't been with

the Alliance long enough to like,

401

Xhafer: I've

402

Laura: mimbar y technology it, you know?

403

Mm

404

Xhafer: Even if that is the

case, these are the ships that,

405

like, go out for years at a time.

406

Laura: Right, they've been out for a bit.

407

Xhafer: Yeah, they're the ships

that don't get these upgrades.

408

Anyways They've been called the Mars

presumably because of the mutineer uh,

409

is the vibe that's offered initially.

410

Laura: Oh yeah, he's got like an

important daddy or something, right?

411

Okay.

412

Xhafer: right, fuckin Nepo Babies.

413

I got, I got things to say about

Nepo Babies in this show, too.

414

Laura: Yay!

415

This is gonna be a great episode.

416

Xhafer: Galen has to just, like,

show up, though, to remind us that

417

he's gonna be Arkosh, so he can

get a little, and so it begins.

418

That

419

Laura: I am enjoying the actor.

420

Is it Peter Woodward?

421

Is that Galen's

422

actor?

423

I'm enjoying everything he

says, like, I wish he was a

424

little more, like, distinctive.

425

I feel like everything in the show

is just not distinctive enough

426

for me, if that makes sense.

427

Like, all of the backgrounds are kind

of fading the same and all of the people

428

have the same outfit, haircut, height.

429

I don't know.

430

It's just like It's not, it's

not different enough for me yet.

431

And I wish he was a little more

distinctive, but I am enjoying his voice.

432

Galen's voice is great.

433

Xhafer: This we cut over to an Earth

Force destroyer that is attacking a Drok

434

ship and forces it to crash into Ceti

435

We find the Martian summons was so he

could set a course for exposition instead

436

of exploration because they talk a bunch.

437

Okay.

438

I got jokes.

439

The senator and the rando

explained that everything to us.

440

Again, this is like the second

time this episode that we get

441

the entire plot explained to us.

442

Laura: Well, we've had it explained

to us, Ja'far, but somebody

443

needs to explain it to Gideon.

444

Xhafer: Mm-Hmm.

445

Because that's how plots work.

446

The characters need to

know that they're in them.

447

Laura: Exactly.

448

Doreena.

449

Xhafer: and the Excalibur.

450

Over on SETI 4, the flyover shuttle

gets blown up by Drakk on the ground.

451

we see in interplanetary

expeditions Archaeologists make a

452

plan to avoid the hostile aliens.

453

We'll get to know this guy.

454

On Mars they have a bunch of very

field specific experts and Dorana,

455

Doreena.

456

Gideon sets up a meeting with

Doreena after going and talking

457

to all of the scientists and they

casually drop that Daniel Dae Kim

458

is a teep in this scene as well.

459

Laura: that's when I was like, oh,

this could be really interesting.

460

Dang.

461

Xhafer: Yeah,

462

Laura: hope it is.

463

Xhafer: but uh, The general is

all like Uh, she's in the thieves

464

guild, you can't bring her.

465

And he's all like, what are

you fucking talking about?

466

I need a fucking rogue for this party.

467

Have you seen our balance?

468

It is bad.

469

We're gonna have a sorcerer,

we're gonna have a rogue, you're

470

gonna have to deal with it.

471

Laura: Yeah, we already got

past this in Call to Arms.

472

Where were you, guy?

473

Yeah.

474

Xhafer: and Doreena kinda tells us she's

hanging with a technomage, without telling

475

us she's hanging with a technomage.

476

And it doesn't reference it when

he actually shows up at all.

477

Like it's so implied that they

came together and we get nothing

478

of it in this episode or the next.

479

Laura: Well, maybe that's just

the rogue thing, you know?

480

Like, don't sell out

your buddies completely.

481

Like, leave a little mystery.

482

Yeah.

483

Did you notice they changed her loaf?

484

Darina's loaf is different

from Call to Arms.

485

Xhafer: I didn't notice.

486

Laura: Sorry, I should explain the

reference loaf, just in case we

487

have non friends of DeSoto here.

488

Uh, The reference to loaf is

like face prosthetics for aliens.

489

Xhafer: Yeah,

490

Laura: Yeah,

491

Xhafer: said it a

492

Laura: hers.

493

They dialed hers back from Call to

Arms, like, you know, kind of smoothed

494

out some of her forehead stuff.

495

And it's a real DeLenn moment.

496

They like, but oh, maybe

we unprettied her too much.

497

Let's make her prettier again.

498

Xhafer: I mean, it's a win for the

actress, which I will celebrate

499

Laura: Sure.

500

Yeah.

501

Xhafer: because it's less

time in the makeup chair.

502

Exactly.

503

Yeah.

504

Our pilot over on City Alpha

4 asked co pilot for help.

505

And it's nice to know it still is

useless 250 years in the future.

506

Laura: Yeah.

507

All of these AI co pilot

things, just amazing.

508

Xhafer: they've got some, there's,

there's a couple of uses for

509

one of them, in my opinion,

510

Laura: Right.

511

Xhafer: it's probably not the one you're

thinking if I've got specific uses for it.

512

Laura: Yeah.

513

Yeah.

514

Have you noticed that about this

interplanetary expeditions party?

515

We have like the sensible captain.

516

That's the like lead archeologist, I

think, you know, he's being very sensible.

517

We have the nineties bad

boy pilot, of course,

518

Xhafer: of course.

519

Laura: and then we have

like one contrarian woman.

520

I was like, Oh, look, it's

all the whole playbooks there.

521

Xhafer: man.

522

So, after this we're back on the bridge.

523

And, we're told we have 4 hours

and 20 minutes to our destination.

524

And 30 seconds later we hear that there's

trouble in sector 85 by four by 20 a.

525

This is just lazy writing.

526

You can't use the same number so close in

different contexts right after each other.

527

Maybe it's just my pattern brain,

528

Laura: No, I agree.

529

This, this number should

have obviously been by 69.

530

Yeah.

531

Xhafer: yeah, 100%.

532

Yeah, TNT exec said this number.

533

It's like, look.

534

We don't feel your show is appealing

enough to high schoolers who like

535

making stupid jokes, so we're

going to need you to change the

536

sector number to 69 by 4 by 20.

537

Laura: Mm hmm.

538

Xhafer: Nice.

539

Laura: Nice.

540

Xhafer: See, we are the Dick and

Fart Joke Babylon 5 podcast still.

541

No worries there, audience.

542

If you were worried that our humor

would suddenly elevate for some

543

reason when watching Crusade,

544

Laura: Let's just disabuse

you of that right now.

545

Yeah, take that, Grace17.

546

Xhafer: Anyways, they go to

the downed Drak ship, Galen

547

makes his presence known here

548

to Gideon.

549

He like, talks to him

after the call's done.

550

Laura: You remember how we had trouble

with, like, Sherrod and Sinclair?

551

I have a feeling I'm going to have a

very difficult time with Gideon Galen.

552

Xhafer: It's so dumb that

their names are so close.

553

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

554

Also

555

that Matthew Gideon and John

Matheson, I'm like, come on.

556

You sound like me when I was trying

to write stuff in high school.

557

Xhafer: like, I don't, is this racist?

558

But how do you look at Daniel Dae

Kim and name him John Matheson?

559

Laura: Well

560

this is back when, this was back

when we were still having to like

561

whitewash everybody of color, right?

562

To make them a little more

palatable to America, perhaps?

563

Xhafer: oh, is that?

564

Okay,

565

Laura: I think, I think that's part of it.

566

I, I think that's some of it.

567

Yeah.

568

Not JMS's fault.

569

This is like, America's fault.

570

Xhafer: I mean, famously, anything bad

with Crusade is not JMS's fault, per JMS.

571

Laura: Mm, mm,

572

Xhafer: mm hmm, mm mm,

it's all TNT's fault, mm,

573

Laura: I,

574

mean,

575

he did have like, Senator Hidoshi.

576

He had like,

577

Xhafer: we've had some

multicultural names in this show.

578

Not as many as I would have liked,

given the amount of multicultural

579

characters we've had on this show,

580

Laura: Sure.

581

Xhafer: but still.

582

Laura: Again.

583

Product

584

Xhafer: I mean.

585

I will, I will 100 percent accept

TNT fucked with this show, because

586

at this very same time, TNT was

fucking with WCW so hard they

587

just made a documentary about it.

588

So, I mean.

589

Anyways, Starfuries take care

of a bunch of drach on the

590

ground, but more in hyperspace.

591

As the civvies are hiding out,

Gideon goes down and gives the

592

archaeologist his terms for the rescue.

593

Laura: Yeah.

594

Interesting choice.

595

Yes.

596

Xhafer: He said he was gonna piss a lot

of people off, but he'd get the job done.

597

Laura: Yeah, okay.

598

Xhafer: Yep.

599

Yeah, I know a lot of

assholes who think like that.

600

They end up not getting

the job done anyways.

601

Laura: Yeah, for real.

602

For sure.

603

Xhafer: they go to the town's drach ship.

604

And fight off some of

Rita Repulsa's putties.

605

Uh, Darina is uh, setting

them up the bomb here.

606

And the Drak reinforcements

jump into orbit.

607

Laura: We've had the Drak

soldiers on the ground.

608

Yes.

609

Xhafer: Yeah, yeah, they already

got, a bunch of them got blown up.

610

Laura: One thing I did like about

the costume choices for the Drak

611

is they're wearing a lot of high

waisted harem pants and I feel

612

like that's a look and I like it.

613

Um, and

614

collars, yes.

615

Xhafer: Oh, collars and skull

masks are so in this season.

616

And that's how we transitioned

to a fashion podcast.

617

Laura: Crusade fashion casting

618

there's a weird space battle

that we have a like sparse

619

musical score again, I noted.

620

Xhafer: Not only is it a sparse music,

it's like the music itself is sparse.

621

There's no dialogue.

622

There's no sound effects.

623

Laura: Yeah.

624

Xhafer: It is just this sparse musical

score, and I hated every second of this.

625

Laura: Is this we're trying

to be different than other

626

sci fi shows right now?

627

Because in the 90s we don't do this.

628

We have, we have the talking during

the battle, the orders being given,

629

we have the the exciting music.

630

And so we're like trying to be edgy

and different, I guess, perhaps?

631

Xhafer: I will take fucking

Legend of the Rangers shitty VR

632

over this no sound effect stuff.

633

Call me a purist, but I like

pew pews with my pew pews.

634

I

635

Laura: Yeah.

636

Xhafer: am a simple man.

637

I require few things in life to be happy.

638

Whiskey, security blankets, and pew pews.

639

That's it.

640

I got those three things.

641

I'm gonna make it.

642

Laura: Yeah.

643

Yeah.

644

It's the truth.

645

So the Excalibur wins,

646

Xhafer: Yeah, of course.

647

Laura: rescues the IPX

crew who captured a drach.

648

Very interesting.

649

The drach speaks to the archaeologist,

and this archaeologist, I guess, is also

650

like archaeological linguist, and he's

like, getting it, this drock refuses

651

to answer any questions as a prisoner

of war, and then just turns around

652

and sasses Gideon's ass in English.

653

Yeah.

654

Xhafer: But also I loved it.

655

Laura: Yeah.

656

Do you think he's one of those aliens

that just like, synthesized it really

657

quick from being around them, or have they

been sitting around like, with duolingo

658

Xhafer: Oh yeah, they've, yeah,

they're definitely getting

659

their Duolingo streak is high.

660

The Drak,

661

Laura: Yeah.

662

Xhafer: sure.

663

Gideon signs our two mains from the

archaeology crew to his mission.

664

And we learned Galen saved

Gideon's life as the Technomages

665

were leaving the galaxy.

666

Or whatever, to the edge of the

galaxy, wherever the fuck they

667

Laura: Yeah, I guess Gideon's ship

exploded or something, and he's

668

sitting there in his spacesuit,

just like, lost and dying.

669

Oh, and like, the whole fleet

or whatever is leaving him.

670

Like, you see ships, just,

they have no idea he's there.

671

Very scary, lonely space moment.

672

And he gets picked by

673

Xhafer: hmm.

674

And so Gideon puts this all together

and sets course for that location.

675

We cut over to Dr.

676

Chambers, who has been a

background character this entire

677

episode and said fucking nothing.

678

Uh, There was a little bit about

wanting to go to Earth and not

679

wanting to leave her sister behind.

680

Laura: Yeah, her sister has kids maybe?

681

Like she has a little niece or something?

682

Okay.

683

Xhafer: hmm.

684

Yeah, she got a niece.

685

The uh, Galen meets Gideon at a campfire

686

and, uh,

687

repeats the opening.

688

Laura: this is the Call

to Arms Stonehenge, right?

689

Is this the same set?

690

Or maybe not.

691

Xhafer: It might be re I don't remember

any really big, stony, henge y stuff,

692

Laura: I've just called it Stonehenge.

693

Xhafer: Yeah.

694

Laura: I don't know that

there was actually Stonehenge

695

in Call the Arms Stonehenge.

696

It just reminded me of that because

we're all sorcerers sitting around

697

in our druid, druid robes and hoods.

698

Xhafer: put on my wizard robe and hat,

699

Laura: Yeah.

700

Xhafer: never

701

Laura: one's ever done that before, right?

702

I'm just kidding.

703

I

704

really gave myself away there, didn't I?

705

Xhafer: Galen repeats

the opening to Gideon.

706

As he totally agrees to

come on their journey.

707

Laura: Definitely not because he's

been kicked out of the Technomage club.

708

That, that didn't happen.

709

Xhafer: No, not yet.

710

No, no, no.

711

Laura: Definitely probably not.

712

Xhafer: And that's our episode.

713

Laura: Yeah, let me see how many pages

I've got of these notes that definitely

714

I could follow really super well.

715

Four pages.

716

Four pages of notes.

717

Very

718

Xhafer: That's, yeah,

I've got three and a half.

719

Laura: Yeah.

720

Xhafer: and I, I normally average five

for an episode listener, regardless

721

of what it, if it's a 45 minute TV

show, five notes of pages doesn't fail.

722

Laura: Yeah.

723

Xhafer: I don't even know

what scale we should be using.

724

Laura: Oh.

725

Good question.

726

Xhafer: we've gotta say how

we feel about this episode.

727

Laura: Mmm.

728

Xhafer: I feel like if we rate it

on the Babylon scale, nothing's

729

going to go well for this show.

730

Laura: Sure.

731

Xhafer: Um, we, we could give it one out

of two destroyed prototype destroyers.

732

Destroyers?

733

Uh

734

Laura: of like the yum yum scale.

735

Is it yum or is it yum

736

Xhafer: yum?

737

yum.

738

Oh, I don't want to, I don't

want to step on their toes.

739

Um, we could say it is uh, one

through four of the main guns firing.

740

How many of the main guns of the

Crusader, of the Excalibur are firing?

741

We could use that to write an episode.

742

Laura: Yeah.

743

Okay.

744

That might be a little better.

745

I see.

746

That's the thing is like, I think

the more like nuance you add to the

747

scale, the worse it's going to get like

748

Xhafer: For sure.

749

Laura: the yum yum scale might

actually be more favorable to

750

this show than any other scale.

751

Xhafer: Yeah.

752

Laura: Hmm.

753

Xhafer: I will warn you, with Battlestar

Galactica, we will be raiding on

754

a scale of one to twelve colonies.

755

So.

756

Laura: okay.

757

Xhafer: Or maybe, maybe we could do it on

one to however many survivors there are

758

listed at the beginning of that episode.

759

It'll make sense when

you watch your first one.

760

It tells you how many humans are left

alive at the beginning of every episode.

761

Laura: wow.

762

Okay.

763

I had no idea things were so dire.

764

I trust Ronald D.

765

Moore, though, if I have

to do on a scale of 12.

766

Like, I think we can work with that.

767

I think that's gonna be okay.

768

I don't think Crusade

needs a 1 to 12 scale.

769

Xhafer: Crusade doesn't

deserve a 1 to 12 scale.

770

Laura: Yeah, yeah uh, well, if we go

with the main guns, how many times

771

did the main gun fire for you in this

772

Xhafer: Uh, I, I would say out of the four

main guns, I saw one charging up a bit.

773

Laura: Yeah, I was gonna be

generous and give this to,

774

Xhafer: It's, it's an episode.

775

It's, it's honestly, It's,

it's not even that it's bad.

776

Laura: right, right,

777

Xhafer: I mean, because

it's, it's not good.

778

It's so aggressively

mediocre and uninteresting.

779

Laura: It's beige.

780

Everything is beige for me.

781

Xhafer: 100%.

782

This is the least interested

I've been in anything.

783

Like, even like Legend

of the Rangers is bad.

784

Like it's, you can watch it and

groan and you're feeling something.

785

In this, this is the equivalent

of oh god, I don't know.

786

Like.

787

Depression.

788

It's just, there's nothing going on here.

789

It's just, it's so Blah.

790

The

791

Laura: Yeah.

792

Mm hmm.

793

The most interesting thing is when the

drach just opens up with sassy English

794

and it's like, oh, okay,

finally something happened.

795

Mm

796

Xhafer: Oh, Daniel to Kim's a telepath.

797

That's cool.

798

Literally only referenced in the

terms of it being maybe a problem

799

and does not factor in at all.

800

Laura: And I'm not sure if in that fight

in the beginning, if that factored in

801

but you You should see some sort of

racism there in that fight too, right?

802

Not just like, we don't want to go to

earth, but also like, I'm not listening

803

to you, you dirty telepath or whatever.

804

But I don't know if we got that.

805

I

806

Xhafer: We didn't.

807

No.

808

Laura: Hmm.

809

Xhafer: it's so blah.

810

Laura: Yeah.

811

Crusade starts with kind of a, a shrug.

812

Xhafer: Yeah.

813

A shrug might even be overselling it.

814

Laura: Yeah.

815

Yeah.

816

So, okay.

817

We'll see if we get the main guns

to ever charge all the way up.

818

Xhafer: Well, we'll have a chance

next week when we're watching

819

Crusade Episode 2, The Long Road.

820

Gideon mediates between earth

miners and the residents of a

821

planet containing a virus fighting

mineral and a fire breathing dragon.

822

I saw this description and I'm

just like, let's fucking go.

823

How did this show get cancelled?

824

I read that description

825

and I'm all like, How did this

show not be a success when

826

that's an episode description?

827

Laura: Well, we'll find

out next week, won't we?

828

Xhafer: We sure will.

829

Laura: But before that, we

have some thank yous to say.

830

Ja'far, do you want to kick those off?

831

Xhafer: Of course, I'd love to Jeremy,

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy Siegel,

832

composer of our fantastic theme music.

833

Thank you so much, Jeremy.

834

So you had a big show

835

down in Jacksonville the

other day with the Savants.

836

Congrats.

837

Looks fun.

838

Wish I was in the area.

839

I'd totally go.

840

Laura: Mm hmm.

841

Same.

842

Xhafer: for composing our theme music.

843

You can find more of Jeremy's

work at JeremySiegel42.

844

bandcamp.

845

com, where he is the only Jeremy

Siegel that composes music.

846

Hard stance.

847

And then on your favorite streaming

services is Nuclear Jaguar.

848

Laura: And thank you to Angry

Duck Time Machine on Instagram

849

for our podcast artwork.

850

Xhafer: Hey, Aaron, we gave

you an easy one this week.

851

Laura: Yeah, sure.

852

Xhafer: Not true, actually.

853

Laura: Yeah, there's just

some big chunks that gotta go.

854

That's fine.

855

It'll be

856

Xhafer: it's a, it's a,

short episode for sure.

857

Laura: Yeah, Thanks for

your hard work with editing

858

Xhafer: Pretty, pretty shade it.

859

Laura: And thank you to you, the

listener, for being here with us

860

and journeying through Crusade.

861

I hope that you're enjoying this time

and that if you're not watching the

862

episodes that you're enjoying your

time, not watching the episodes.

863

Xhafer: Alright, well, we'll

see you next week, Internet.

864

Cause it's, it's 420, it's

the weed smoking number.

865

Yeah.

866

Laura: I'm so used to the sex number

that I forgot about the weed number.