On the latest episode I'm joined by the wise and wonderful Lucy Grace.

Lucy is a mystic spiritual guide, embodied therapist and poet based in New Zealand. She mentors people in soul initiation and awakening, and is devoted to helping as many hearts as possible remember the truth of themselves and connect to the ever present great heart at the center of all.

Lucy has lived many lives, including as a television journalist for One News, New Zealand's largest national television news channel, and a humanitarian aid worker based in Europe for 15 years, working for the UN, Save the Children, Fairtrade, and Oxfam. Lucy now focuses on her work as a soul initiation, awakening guide and mentor, holistic therapist and poet.

And she's known for honoring the sacred process and the sacred mess of our humanity, while also supporting people to remember who they are outside of all roles, archetypes, identities, concepts, and teachings. Lucy is also the author of This Untameable Light, which was released in November 2023 to critical acclaim from some of the world's most loved spiritual teachers.

On this episode we discussed:

• Lucy's extremely challenging childhood and the many unexpected gifts that came from it, including a deep contentment and gratitude for all that she did have
• Her experience of God as a sense of deep, nourishing light emanating from within
• Her own spiritual initiation of motherhood, and the depths that it took her to
• The surprising way that the Goddess presented herself to Lucy, and how she knows her now
• Plus Lucy reads two of her beautiful poems aloud

Notes related to this episode:

• You can learn more about Lucy and her work at https://lucy-grace.com/
• You can find her on Instagram @gracealucy, and Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lucy.oakshott
• During this episode, Lucy mentioned the film Once Were Warriors. She also described how the Egyptian Goddess Isis initially came to her via a stranger's dream.

And here are a few more details about this show and my work:

• If you’d like to know whose ancestral tribal lands you currently reside on, you can look up your address here: https://native-land.ca/
• You can also visit the Coalition of Natives and Allies for more helpful educational resources about Indigenous rights and history.
• Please – if you love this podcast and/or have read my book, please consider leaving me a review, and thank you for supporting my work!
• You can also access video episodes on the Home to Her YouTube channel
• For more Sacred Feminine goodness and to stay up to date on all episodes, please follow me on Instagram: @hometoher.
• To dive into conversation about the Sacred Feminine, join the Facebook group: / hometoher
• And to read about the Sacred Feminine, check out my award-winning book Home to Her: Walking the Transformative Path of the Sacred Feminine (Womancraft Publishing), available on Audible and wherever you buy your books!. If you've read it, your reviews on Goodreads and Amazon are greatly appreciated!

Liz Childs Kelly: Hello, and welcome

to Home to Her, the podcast that's

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dedicated to reclaiming the lost and

stolen wisdom of the sacred feminine.

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I'm your host, Liz Kelley, and on

each episode, we explore her stories

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and myths, her spiritual principles,

and most importantly, what this

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wisdom has to offer us right now.

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Thanks for being here.

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Let's get started.

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Welcome Okay.

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Okay.

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Okay.

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Okay.

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Hey everybody and welcome to the show.

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This is Liz joining you as usual

from central Virginia and the

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unseated lands of the Monica nation.

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And I am so glad that you

are here with me today.

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And as always, if you would like to

find out whose native lands you're

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living on, you can go to native land.

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ca.

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There's a map of the entire world.

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And I will put that in the

show notes as I always do.

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And if you want to learn about

the sacred feminine, there's Lots

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of ways that you can do that.

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And lots of teachers many of

whom have been on this show

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over the last five years.

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But if you want to learn from me,

go over and check out home to her.

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com.

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I have lots of articles

there, resources for you.

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You can access all the

past podcast episodes.

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You can check out my book, Home to

Her, Walking the Transformative Path

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of the Sacred Feminine, which was

published by WomanCraft Publishing.

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And, which also a fabulous

resource for sacred feminine

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books, and it's also on Audible.

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And if you have feedback,

suggestions, questions, feel

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free to get in touch with me.

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I love that.

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Social is a really good way to do that.

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You can find me at home to her

on Facebook and on Instagram.

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And yeah, I love to hear from you.

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I love to know that you're listening

and I love to know what you think.

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And if you can't remember

any of that, don't worry.

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I will put all of that in the show note.

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Okay.

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And on with our show.

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So I found out about my current guest.

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It took me about four years to do this,

which is a little embarrassing, but

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asking my podcast guests to recommend

other amazing individuals that

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would be good guests for this show.

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And so if you heard the episode with

the wonderful poet Shallan Harkin,

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she recommended my guest to me today.

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And I'm so excited to talk to her.

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I feel like we were already just launching

into it before we started recording.

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So I think this is going to be beautiful.

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Her words have such magic

and divinity in them.

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And I think she's got just a really

beautiful story to share too.

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So I'm, I'm excited to

introduce her to you.

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So let me go ahead and do that for you.

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Lucy grace is a mystic spiritual

guide, embodied therapist and

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poet based in New Zealand.

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She mentors people in soul initiation

and awakening, and is devoted to

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helping as many hearts as possible.

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Remember the truth of themselves

and connect to the ever present

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great heart at the center of all.

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She has lived many lives, including

as a television journalist for One

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News, New Zealand's largest national

television news channel, and a

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humanitarian aid worker based in Europe

for 15 years, working for the UN, Save

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the Children, Fairtrade, and Oxfam.

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She worked in orphanages and disaster

zones around the world, working to bring

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relief to people's suffering and in

leadership to change the laws, policies,

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and practices that keep people locked

in suffering, inequality, and injustice.

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Lucy now focuses on her work as a

soul initiation, awakening guide and

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mentor, holistic therapist and poet.

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And she's known for honoring the

sacred process and the sacred mess of

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our humanity, while also supporting

people to remember who they are

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outside of all roles, archetypes,

identities, concepts, and teachings.

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She sees life as an ongoing journey

to embody the highest truth we can.

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We can only give what we embody.

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She's also the author of This Untameable

Light, which was released in November

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2023 to critical acclaim from some of the

world's most loved spiritual teachers.

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And she lives in nature with her

daughter Rose on Waiheke Island

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in New Zealand, which is where

she is joining us from today.

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It's my evening and her morning and

Lucy, I'm so glad that you are here.

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Thank you for joining me.

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Lucy Grace: Thank you

so much for having me.

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It's a joy to be with you.

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Liz Childs Kelly: Yes, I'm just

basking in your energy already.

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And I always, I usually start my

podcast with asking people to tell

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me about their spiritual backgrounds

and what that was like as a child.

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And I, I always find it interesting

to see like, what was, what was.

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You know, what was pulled through and

is useful for you now, maybe what you

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didn't get that you had to discard.

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But I also know in reading about you

and some of your story that you had a

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little bit of a different upbringing.

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And so I'm kind of wanting to widen

the lens of that question and just have

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you talk to me a little bit about this

journey through your childhood and how,

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how it's kind of informed where you are

today, if you're comfortable with that.

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Lucy Grace: Yeah, absolutely.

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Yeah.

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So I did have a bit of a different

childhood and it's been funny living

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in this skin suit because it's not

always obvious to the naked eye.

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I look like someone who had truss buns

and ponies and, and actually, yeah, I

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grew up with a single mom who had me

when she was 20 and the man that was my

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father, he left her when I was a fetus.

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And so we were on our own and I actually

started life in a woman's refuge home.

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And then we couch surfed and went

between different homes and places

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as much as we could until I was five.

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And we managed to find our own

place in a really rough neighborhood

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called Fairfield in New Zealand.

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And I dunno, some people might

have seen once were warriors.

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It's a, it's a film, a lot of

Americans have seen it and it

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portrays kind of gang life and.

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The kind of ghetto, the hood life

of New Zealand really beautifully

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and that's really where I grew up.

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I was the only white girl in my street.

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We often went without food

for at least a few days.

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We, Had to sell the furniture sometimes

when things got really tough, we'd get

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the old couch down at the pawn shop and

we'd be sitting on the ground for a while.

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Often were cold without heating

and yeah, it was just mum and I and

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we lived in a really, really rough

neighbourhood, right, with gangs.

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There was a time where the postman

couldn't go down our street for two

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years because he was getting shot at.

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And just to put that in context, we

don't have many guns in New Zealand.

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People, like, householders don't own guns.

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We're not allowed to, you know, unless

you're kind of a hunter or there has to

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be specific reason and you get a license.

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So it's, there isn't gang culture.

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There is, sorry, there isn't gun culture

like there is in America in the same way.

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So that was pretty amazing that a

postman couldn't go down a street

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because he was getting shot at.

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And, and yeah, there was a lot in that.

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A lot of drugs in my

neighborhood, a lot of burglaries.

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We had bars on all our windows.

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We had locks on the inside of doors

so that when somebody broke into

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the kitchen, if Mom and I were in

the bedroom, we could lock ourselves

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into the bedroom to stay safe.

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We would hear the ransacking, the

house, but we were there in the room.

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Yeah, there's so much I could tell about

that we probably got broken into once

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every few weeks, at least once a month,

many different iterations of that, you

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know, whether it was breaking in and

stealing what few Christmas presents were

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under our tree, leaving all the torn open

paper as a little girl that broke open

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my little girl heart, you know, or it's

funny, we had really violent, episodes.

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There was a, it was a time where to

get into a gang, a gang member had

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to, they had these tasks that they had

to do, and they would set the tasks.

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If you want to be in our gang,

you have to do this thing.

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And we were kind of sitting ducks, mom

and I, because we were alone and there was

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no man in our house and everyone knew it.

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And somebody had been tasked with

raping a woman in front of her child.

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And that was what he would have

to do to get into the gang.

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And so.

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They chose us and, and yeah,

so one night they broke in and,

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and I hadn't been able to sleep.

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I was eight years old.

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I remember being in my bedroom and just

tossing and turning and, and really

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feeling the sense of, it was might sound

funny to some and just normal to others,

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but this being, this being of life with

me and just, I felt kind of wrestled

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awake every time I started dropping down,

I'd wake up and I just didn't know why.

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And eventually I heard my mom crying.

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I heard something in the hallway.

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I walked out into the hallway

and I saw him there with her.

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He had a big stick and he was holding

her in front of him and pushing her.

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He had her handbag already.

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He was pushing her violently

into the bedroom and he

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pushed her in and I followed.

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Thanks.

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And I quickly hid under the ironing

board with the telephone, and he was

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beating mum up on the bed, and his back

was toward me, but she could see me.

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And she started screaming, please don't

hurt my baby, please don't hurt my baby.

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And I was on the phone to the

police, I started ringing 111.

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We had these 1980s, you know, wall phones,

that was kind of, and I'd always, mum had

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always said, if anything happens you need

to dial 111, and I'd done it many times.

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So he started ripping off her

clothes and then he heard my voice.

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There's a man in our

house, please help us.

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And I told the address.

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He then turned to me, of course, and he

grabbed the phone out of my hands and then

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eventually started talking and realized

it was the police and he ran away.

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And the place came and so we had many

intensely violent episodes, but there

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were also simple things as a child for me,

like I didn't have many toys, but I had

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a tiny little stereo radio that I loved.

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And, and one time mom and I were out and.

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People broken and they

just bashed it with a bat.

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They just broke it to pieces

that for some reason, that's the

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more traumatic memory in my mind.

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And they, they took a poo on my bed.

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They did a poo on my bed.

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And so coming home to those

kind of things, the sense of

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smallness, you know, the sense of.

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Discussed the sense of why do I live here?

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Why do I belong here?

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And so I always had the sense that the

child of just not belonging where I was.

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You know, of looking around and not

finding my people, not, not understanding

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why I'd been dropped off in this

place where I just did not belong.

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And what I would do in that space is I

would reach to what I thought of as in

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a sweet kind of childhood innocence.

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Is.

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As God, I would think of it as God,

you know, as this Abrahamic God,

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this kind of man in the sky, this

light inside me that I could feel.

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My mom used to call me a Buddha baby.

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She would say, like, you would just

sit, you wouldn't even cry when

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you woke up, you would just sit

there and just be looking happily.

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And I've always had that

deep sense of contentment.

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And that way I've had many shadow

journeys, many rides, many deepenings.

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It's not that, but I've always had.

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That piece in my heart and so I would

turn inward everything on the outside

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of me as a child until I was 18.

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I was there until I was 18 was chaos and

outside of the house was the violence

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and the gang culture inside of the house.

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My mom had bipolar.

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So she was very up and down.

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She'd had a tumultuous past.

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Amazing woman that's incredibly

loving, but a, a really.

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a big wrestle and a big

dance with her own pain.

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And, and so for me, the only

place to go was inside me.

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So I would sit, I would feel this energy.

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I would connect with this ground of being

a sense of peace and I would rest there.

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I would rest there.

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I was also really fortunate

that I heard from a young age.

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It's almost like everything was

so hard on the outside, I had

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no choice but to develop these,

these, this intuitive sense.

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I had to reach for God.

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I had to reach for light

because there wasn't any.

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And in that way, it was the greatest

gift, that poverty, that pain.

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It was almost like, I've often referred

to it as a welfare child ashram.

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You know, I had no concept of spirituality

or I didn't think of it in those terms,

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but The experience was rich for me.

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I would sit quietly for hours.

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I would reach for God.

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I would bathe in that light.

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I would fill myself and view myself

from the inside because I needed it to

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fortify me for the madness on the outside.

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And I had the hearing, which I

only recognized later as, as clear

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audience, but I would receive guidance.

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I would receive words of comfort.

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You know, I, I have little journal

entries from back then that

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said, I was hungry today, but God

came, you know, and spoke to me.

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Things like this.

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I was very alone, there were

no other siblings in the house.

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It wasn't safe, always,

in my neighborhood, so I

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stayed in the house a lot.

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I had friends at school, but I

was taken to a fancy school on the

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other side of town before zoning.

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I couldn't find myself there.

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I had, I was always popular.

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I had a lot of friends, but there

was this deep part of me that I

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had in a way that I didn't feel

I could connect to people with.

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So there was a deep aloneness and a

deep part of me that was just mine.

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And that, that was spirit for me.

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That was spirituality for me.

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And later, as I left and went to

university and did my thing, I had

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some pretty big shifts in consciousness

and big awakenings through the years.

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That deeply changed me, but I, you know,

one at 21 when the kind of personal

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self fell away and started seeing

spirits for a long time and I wanted

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to turn that off, I didn't like that.

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But I had no concept, I had read

no books, I had no teachers, I

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didn't live in communities or

near communities that talked about

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enlightenment or concepts like that,

I don't buy into those even now.

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But it was really this

organic impulse in me.

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That danced me, that burnt me into being

through life as par, through life as par.

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Liz Childs Kelly: Wow.

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So much there.

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Did you feel like, I mean, it's just so

beautiful to hear you talk about this.

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And I, I, I did not grow up in any

close to circumstances as you, but I did

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grow up without much resources at all.

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With a single mom too and a father

who had declared bankruptcy.

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And so we had, you know, we lost kind

of house and cars and all the things.

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And and like you, I think I

eventually saw that as a great gift.

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I've always been able to flex up and

down in terms of material comforts

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and things I haven't needed them much.

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And sometimes I'm uncomfortable

if I have too many of them.

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Like it's just, it's just too much,

you know, I'm, I'm better without it.

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But what I'm curious for you is if it.

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If it took, you know, if there was

a process for you of being able

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to see the gifts, like, did you

recognize it at the time or was it,

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you know, later when you were like,

oh, wow, what an incredible gift.

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That's very challenging.

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Lucy Grace: Childhood.

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What a beautiful question.

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Thank you.

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I think you see that because you lived it.

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So you see that clearly.

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It was a process.

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It was both.

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And, you know, it was at the time I

could see gifts, I could see gifts.

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I was always very free.

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And that wasn't just because the lack

of material resource, it was also

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because the beauty of my mother, my

mother left school at 15, you know,

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she, she didn't, I didn't have any

conditioning in that world around.

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You need to be a doctor, a lawyer in

order to be loved, you know, not just

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from my mother's value set, which was

always who you are, is your beauty, who

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you are, is what matters, not what you do.

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She always said.

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Do what makes you alive,

do what makes you happy.

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That was the message I got consistently.

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So there's a freedom in that space.

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But also because there was no conditioning

for me from society much, because

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often we didn't own a TV, a radio,

you know, sometimes, but not for long.

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Before it went to the porn shop and

I was second hand black and white TV.

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There weren't billboards, I

didn't have access to books, to,

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to magazines, things like that.

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I had some books from the op shop, the

secondhand shop, but I didn't have the

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conditioning that comes around many, many

things in culture that are really toxic.

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We can say women's bodies, you know, I've

always been comfortable with, with shape.

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I have little pieces around it, but

on the whole, much more comfortable

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than many of The woman I know or

work with and, and I've always

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been comfortable around my power.

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You know, that seemed to be something

that was ingrained and obviously

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we go on journeys to deepen.

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It's not that I had it and it was done.

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I think we're always deepening, but

there were, there were certain facets

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of growing up that way, stripped bare

of, of life's and culture's conditioning

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because I was kind of sheltered.

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Poverty has a way of shrinking

your world, relative poverty.

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It's not the same as what I witnessed.

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You know, and, and a third

world countries, but it has a

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way of shrinking your world.

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And in that way, there

was a freedom for me.

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And I think I embodied that at the time.

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And I felt that at the time

I was often courageous.

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As a child and as a

teenager and early twenties.

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With decisions, there was nothing to loop.

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Right.

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So when my friends were saying, I

need to keep the comforts I'm used to.

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Right.

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And they often had a lot of fear

around their careers or getting

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A's at uni or B's in a certain way.

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There was a deep freedom in me.

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I used to say, C's get degrees.

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I don't know how sensible that was,

but I was very much alive in the world

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and weirdly out of university, even

though I had my C's get degrees thing.

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I got, I got one of the best

jobs, my peers, I went straight

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into television journalist role.

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When many were working in juice

bars, and I don't say that in a

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self righteous way or a look at

me way, but it was surprising.

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And I think that's because I was living

from that pulse of aliveness and that flow

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of organicity and nature brings it in.

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So I recognized the gifts at the time.

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And then very much later when I looked at.

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The way I had been free to live my

life courageously, to let go, as you

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said, flex up and down, not needing

the things, but feeling what was true

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for me and how life wanted to be lived.

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I think the gift is often

starting with nothing, right?

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We value everything like a beautiful meal.

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When I was 21, I couldn't buy it was like.

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Oh, my God.

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And there was so much gratitude,

so much joy, because none of

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that was taken for granted.

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I, a life owes me nothing, came

from nothing, it owes me nothing.

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So everything I get and am given,

I'm so, you know, there is, at the

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risk of sounding cliched or trite,

a deep gratitude for what we find.

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And those are the gifts that that

life gave and many, many more.

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I actually think we're

lucky, we're the lucky ones.

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The human gaze would see that

as, oh, the poor cousin Lucy who

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lived in the rough neighborhood.

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I think spirit's gaze says, oh, you,

you got that body and that life.

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You got that to burn into being and

that suffering so early that you

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got to find the gifts and the gold

and the medicine inside it and carry

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it throughout your life, right?

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And there's a looseness in the body.

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The lack of rigidity in the body

when we let life move us because

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we're already being cracked up.

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Liz Childs Kelly: Yeah,

that's so beautiful.

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So beautiful.

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And I am curious to, you mentioned, you

know, the sense of God and the Abrahamic,

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the light of it, you were imagining him.

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And as you said, that I'm imagining

him as like the father, God, like maybe

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the stern, but loving grandfather,

that's going to call you up his lap.

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And and I wonder, You know, if and when,

like how the sacred feminine goddess,

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you choose your language, whatever

you're more comfortable with, how you

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became aware of her, that sense of her.

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Yeah.

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Lucy Grace: Right.

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So that was much later.

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So as a child, I was

missing a father, right?

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.

And so I looked to God for me, God.

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I think we reduce our gods, our

goddesses, life, light, to what we are.

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We reduce it.

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So if we are afraid, we reduce it to a

judgmental god, goddess, there to whip

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us into shape at the critical father.

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But if that isn't in our awareness

of ourselves, it's something else.

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And for me, God was always deeply

loving, deeply loving father

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that I could bring my cares to.

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Though in fact, I could

never find myself in humans.

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Where I grew up for me, the only

place I belonged or could find myself

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was in God, call it God awareness,

Allah, Buddha, what Shiva, whatever

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you want to call it, ISIS, right?

384

Whatever we want to call that for me, it's

the light that lives inside all things.

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It has different expression,

but it was much later.

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Again, I just want to emphasize that

I never, I have still not done any.

387

Formal training or courses or read

books on the divine feminine, or

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for me, it's a, it's an experience.

389

It's been experiential.

390

So my languaging around

it might be different.

391

I'm not sure to others.

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I can only speak to it as it's visited me

and, and moved my body and opened my body.

393

But essentially, my

life kind of carried on.

394

I went, I did a university degree

in journalism, became a journalist,

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quit that after two years, and, and

went into aid work, and that was

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a place I could put my love, you

know, 15 years in humanitarian aid.

397

I, I needed a place to put my love.

398

And, you know, the little girl in me had

thrivers guilt, I think, you know, I went

399

into journalism to save the world and I

quickly realized it was about selling ads.

400

And so I knew it wasn't for me.

401

So I left and people thought I was mad.

402

And, and then I went into aid and

I knew that I had a vision of that

403

in my, in my, when I was about

20, that that's what I would do.

404

And at the time I'd say, no,

no, no, I don't want to do that.

405

I want to be a fancy journalist

because the little girl and I'd

406

never been fancy and she needed that.

407

But eventually after two years, I quit.

408

So then I had this big career in

loving and I, again, no concept

409

of spirituality, no concept of

the divine feminine, nothing.

410

I just loved.

411

And as I put my love into the

world, I think looking back, I

412

didn't know this at the time.

413

At the time I wanted

to make things better.

414

It was like, this cannot

be the way we live.

415

I've left all these

people back in the hood.

416

I won't leave them, you know,

whatever humble gifts I might

417

have, I want to give them back.

418

And so I went and did this work for

15 years, many of it in offices too,

419

like in leadership, leading big teams

and marketing and PR teams to get the

420

money to come in to support the project.

421

So it wasn't all in the field.

422

After 15 years of that, I had married,

I'd had a baby, I'd come back to New

423

Zealand and for me, the catalyst of

I'd had this big awakening at 21.

424

But the catalyst for the really complete

rearranging the complete dissolving

425

of the borders of my body, this place

of, of just utter deconstruction

426

that happened after my baby came.

427

And so I went into, she was birthed, and I

went into two and a half years of complete

428

dark, complete and utter darkness.

429

I was 35.

430

I had, it was not my first rodeo.

431

You've heard how I grew up.

432

I had been exposed to horrific

things during my time in aid work.

433

The worst of humanity, the

best of humanity, all of it.

434

I was not a woman who was not used to

looking with the Medusa eye into the dark.

435

I was equipped.

436

I had been ill.

437

There was a period of illness for six

years where I was bedridden for six months

438

of it and had to learn to walk again.

439

So I had been through some huge and

deep initiations, but at thought I

440

had touched the ground in the abyss of

darkness until that, until Rose was born.

441

And everyone said, you're

going to be the most amazing.

442

Look at you, you work in orphanages,

you know, loving strangers, babies.

443

I was not, it did not

come naturally to me.

444

I Went from being pretty optimistic

most of my life, able to see the good,

445

the bright, kind of alive, no matter

what darkness I was peering into,

446

no matter where I found myself, but

when she came, all the light left.

447

And it was the first time in my life I

can honestly say I could not touch God.

448

Even when I was ill and bedridden

and my body wouldn't work, I

449

could feel the light in me.

450

I could still, I remember thinking, I can

still feel some light and deep inside.

451

Not so when Rose was born.

452

I couldn't find light anywhere.

453

I couldn't feel God.

454

I couldn't hear God.

455

All of the clear audience I'd always had

guidance, which had been deep and rich.

456

It had told me where to

seek jobs in my life.

457

I would say, where should

I would say UNICEF.

458

And it was very clear

guidance, very practical.

459

My whole life, I had many times of leaving

my body and walking with guides and being

460

told what was about to happen in my life.

461

It was very on the ground

guidance, and it all left.

462

Right before Rose was born, before

I was pregnant, it was the last

463

time I was visited, and I was told,

get ready, a little girl is coming.

464

You have to prepare.

465

And it was a very stern, formal telling.

466

The energy of it was, this

is gonna be a shit show.

467

It was like that, you know?

468

And I wasn't pregnant, and that

person also said, You're about

469

to go to London blah, blah, blah.

470

And gave me some guidance for what

I had to do as work in London.

471

And I, I came out of there and I said,

no, I'm not going to have a child

472

when, you know, we're not trying for

a baby and I'm not going to London.

473

We just bought a house where we are broke.

474

And I went into work a couple

of days later and my boss said,

475

we're sending you to Barcelona

for a big meeting for aid work.

476

Why don't you visit London

and take a few weeks off?

477

And I knew, Oh God, I must be pregnant.

478

And I had a sense it's going to be hard.

479

Break me open or something's gonna happen.

480

So yeah, so I descended into two and

a half years of complete darkness and

481

she had reflux She wouldn't sleep.

482

I had left London where

all my friends had been.

483

I had been there for so long, a

decade So I was kind of on this little

484

island off the coast of New Zealand

at the end of the world And I had

485

none of my support networks here.

486

My husband was at work all day

she was waking up every half an

487

hour, every hour, just constant.

488

She had to sleep on me upright,

because otherwise she'd

489

vomit all the things, right?

490

All the things.

491

New motherhood, the way it tears us open.

492

Yup.

493

The reason I tell that to answer your

story, I know it's a long, long answer,

494

so thank you for bearing with me.

495

Is we, when people say, how

did you come to this place?

496

I mean, that two and a

half years in darkness.

497

Was the most terrifying when she was three

months old and it preceded the light.

498

Because dark and light are not binary.

499

They live inside one another.

500

And we walk these initiations, these deep

soul initiations that burn us into being.

501

And often when we're in the

fire, I didn't know that.

502

I had no concept of any of this.

503

It was an experience.

504

When she was nine months old, I

had been, when she was three months

505

old, I wanted to kill myself.

506

I was on the floor of her nursery room

and this gorgeous nursery room, right?

507

The perfect Pinterest movie.

508

And I thought, I am not

made to be a mother.

509

I cannot do this.

510

And I just thought, I'm

going to have to kill myself.

511

Because I can't, I

couldn't see any ending.

512

Any light.

513

And I made this decision.

514

I can't do that to her.

515

It was very practical.

516

Otherwise she has no mother.

517

And I had no father.

518

I will not do that to her.

519

I'll be the walking dead.

520

I'll just be the walking dead.

521

I'll stay alive for her,

but I'll actually be dead.

522

Fine.

523

That's what I'll do.

524

So I did that.

525

And, but when she was nine months old,

I would talk to God and nothing would

526

come back, what I thought of as God,

nothing would come back all my life.

527

It had always talked back and nothing.

528

And this one time in that two and

a half years, when I said, please,

529

why are you doing this to me?

530

I can't do this.

531

It's too much.

532

I've never seen it.

533

Everything you've given me my whole life,

all the illness, all the density of the

534

Struggling through university by myself,

all the things, all the age work, I've

535

never said it's too much, this is too

much, motherhood broke me, and I heard

536

a voice and it said, and it's going

to sound really cheesy, so forgive me,

537

this language I wasn't familiar with,

but it said to give you the opportunity

538

to transcend your ego, that annoyed

me, I found that ridiculous, I said, I

539

thought of ego as arrogance, I didn't

know any, And I said, I'm not arrogant.

540

And I got so enraged.

541

I said, fuck off, just fuck off, leave.

542

And it did.

543

I felt that energy leave

and it didn't come back.

544

So again, I was in the darkness alone,

but that was when she was nine months old.

545

Long story short, I struggled through

two and a half years in this place.

546

I was pretty alone.

547

And then about the age of two

and a half, two, two and a half,

548

I was reading a parenting book.

549

It was just a parenting book.

550

And it said, listen to your breath.

551

Listen to your breathing.

552

Sit quietly.

553

And I started doing that.

554

I didn't think of it as meditation.

555

I had, again, no concept of meditation.

556

I thought that was for those

funny hippies that hug trees

557

and I'm busy working in aid.

558

You know, I'm, I'm

actually planting trees.

559

I'm not fucking talking about them.

560

I had this real judgment of

these silly, you know, hippies.

561

And so I started listening

to my breath, not thinking of

562

it as any kind of meditation.

563

And from there, everything blew open.

564

And when she was two and a half I had

this moment where she had fallen down

565

crying and crying and I was exhausted

and up until then motherhood had always

566

been no, no, I don't want to do this.

567

I hate this.

568

I would Google things like, I'm

not supposed to be a mother.

569

How do I stop this?

570

Like, what?

571

I don't know what to do.

572

You know, things like that.

573

And I'd be around all these mothers

who were baking and had good hair.

574

And I'd be like, fuck you.

575

I can't even brush my teeth, you know?

576

And, and so it had always been a no.

577

Every time she reached

for me, I loved the being.

578

I loved the girl, the child.

579

I hated the role.

580

It felt like.

581

Subservient servitude to me, and I

had spent so many years not being free

582

in my childhood that this grief, rage

and panic of the one who had finally

583

found her freedom and now was in

this crucible of crushing obligation

584

is what motherhood felt like to me.

585

And so she fell down at two

and a half and I thought, Oh

586

no, I have to go and get her.

587

I just sat down.

588

And I stood up with this, can't you

just give me a moment of quiet energy?

589

And as I turned to her, she had

a little hand reaching out to me.

590

I can't explain it to you.

591

All I can say is that from that immense

darkness, something imploded inside me.

592

It just imploded.

593

And she, I picked her up and she was

screaming in this kind of vortex,

594

it was this high pitched scream.

595

And I was in a similar scream in my soul.

596

And together we kind of held each

other and we went into this vortex.

597

I'd never heard that scream, a

mother knows all the child's cries.

598

It was a different, and I imploded.

599

I felt her and I said, yes, yes.

600

That's the only way I can describe it.

601

There's no fancy words.

602

All of my being surrendered.

603

All of me.

604

And long story short, I sat her

down, she, she came into Rishi, and

605

I was sitting outside in the garden.

606

And everything looked different.

607

I mean, it really sounds cliched.

608

I didn't know what that was

at the time, but I could see

609

the light inside every leaf.

610

And this garden I'd

looked at so many times.

611

And I appreciated nature in the past.

612

I'd already had huge awakening

at 21, but it was different.

613

I was completely blown open.

614

And over that month, it was October, 2018.

615

Over that month, everything changed.

616

Everything dissolved.

617

I became so hard to explain,

but I became everything.

618

I melted into everything

and I became trees.

619

I became rock.

620

I had no idea what was happening

to me, but I trusted it.

621

It felt right.

622

All of the guidance came back,

but thicker, faster, deeper than

623

anything I had ever experienced.

624

It's as if what was in the

background became the foreground.

625

I knew myself not as this body, which

I thought I had experienced at 21.

626

But this was different.

627

It was this transcendent

union kind of consciousness.

628

And I was, I knew I had to quit my job.

629

I had loved my job as an aid worker.

630

I was still doing it.

631

Or as it was.

632

Three, I was managing a big team,

I did that three days a week and I

633

knew I had to leave, it was done.

634

So I left my job and I went through

this period of three or four years

635

of, of deep integration, two or three

years actually, deep integration,

636

I would sit in the garden.

637

All day.

638

I could hardly do anything.

639

I couldn't even, it didn't even

feel like I could be a human.

640

If I'm honest, I, I could, I,

everything was blown apart.

641

I quit my job.

642

I had to take her to kindergarten

and the house was filthy and messy.

643

My husband, you know, would come home from

work and there was nothing I couldn't,

644

there wasn't a bone in me that could do.

645

So integrating that, and that

was the kind of transcendent

646

piece as I look back on it now.

647

And then a year and a half later, after

a lot of patterns being released out of

648

my body, seeing places I was stuck and

wounded and in pain, working through

649

these, releasing these, lots of mystical

experiences, transcendent experiences,

650

visits from beings, all sorts of madness.

651

Then I started having, I had a,

a big release with energy from my

652

base all the way through my heart.

653

My body was paralyzed

for about half an hour.

654

And as that happened, that

brought me deeper into the body.

655

That brought me back into, into this,

into my hands, my feet, my face.

656

And then I knew I must leave my marriage.

657

And I had kind of known for some years.

658

But that was the reckoning.

659

As that happened through the heart

space, it was like rivers and rivers

660

of fire flowing out of my heart.

661

And as I came back, it

wasn't the experience, right?

662

We all have experiences we can speak of.

663

That's not the state.

664

Because just like a sunset, I

don't own the sunset, right?

665

I can admire it.

666

It's wonderful.

667

It's not about the experience.

668

It's about the change that happens

in our being, which has come to

669

be known over the months, over the

years, as it integrates within us.

670

And I could see, Oh my God, I'm back.

671

I'm back as a human.

672

I'm back in the body.

673

This tuning fork of the heart had kind of

sent me back here and I knew it's time to

674

be here now after this year and a half.

675

Okay.

676

I have to leave my marriage.

677

I've left my job.

678

Now I'm being asked to

leave my marriage, my home.

679

That I had loved and like painstakingly

done up for years, it was my dream home.

680

And so I did.

681

There's lots of stories around that

too, but I, but I lived a 20, 17

682

year, a 17 year partnership and

marriage with a four year old.

683

And I, I was, I had quit my job a year

and a half before, so I wasn't working.

684

It took immense courage.

685

And I think there's this point in

our initiations, right, where we are

686

called into what we will stand for.

687

We see the truth of us and we are asked,

will you then quiet that truth and live

688

to stay in this safe version of you?

689

Will you quiet the truth in your body

and your heart that says it's time to go?

690

There's more that wants to

birth through you and as you.

691

Or will you stay here in this

comfortable fortress you've built up?

692

And once we see that, we can't unsee it.

693

And it's like, what are

you willing to lose?

694

To remain committed to truth.

695

So divorce for me, and

he was a wonderful man.

696

We were good friends, you know,

but we were just at that point, we

697

were like siblings for a long time.

698

So divorce for me in that sense was,

was not necessarily leaving a man.

699

It was leaving a version of myself.

700

Divorce in that sense was commitment

to the truth of me and this version

701

of me that was longing to birth.

702

And couldn't do that within the

confines of that relationship,

703

that energetic partnership.

704

So off I went, right, and

we build our new homes.

705

We go through all the rings of

fire that that necessitates.

706

And your question to loop back after

this very excruciatingly long answer, I'm

707

sorry, was when did the goddess visit me?

708

It was then.

709

It was, I think I'd always had this

embodiment of her, but she'd been stifled.

710

I think many times we've had these

initiations in past lives been shown

711

this, where we've done deep work with

the goddess, with the divine feminine,

712

with that current, with that archetype,

whatever you want to name it as.

713

That energetic field.

714

We've often had lives where

we've done deep, deep work.

715

You could say as priestesses, you could

say as mothers in a simple life, but we've

716

worked here in the garden as witches,

whatever you want to give it a face of.

717

And often now in this life, what

my non physical teachers, which

718

is what I've come to call them.

719

I haven't had physical teachers, but I've

had non physical teachers from childhood.

720

This voice that as a child, I thought

of as God in my very innocent way.

721

I now think of as, as.

722

That's life as my non physical teacher

told me that this life we often catch up

723

whatever initiations we've been through

in our past lives will in this life fast.

724

That's why this big thing in 2018 to

the transcendence in this big thing,

725

a year and a half through the heart.

726

And then three years

later, the goddess visited.

727

I had no concepts.

728

I hadn't read books.

729

I started seeking out information because

I was like, what is happening to me?

730

And I found bits and pieces,

but I couldn't really read.

731

It was like crunching down into concept.

732

It didn't really speak to

me like the experience did.

733

So I stayed in the experience.

734

But once I left my marriage and

I crossed across that threshold,

735

here I was a little cottage by the

ocean, painting it, looking after it.

736

I left aid.

737

I was looking after my daughter, trying

to settle her into this new normal.

738

I was doing all the things that we do.

739

As woman to keep a house going,

I was working with family members

740

who were grieving and upset that

I had done this, you know, friends

741

fall away so much annihilation and

the grief of awakening to our true

742

selves, people saying, Who are you?

743

I don't recognize you.

744

And me saying, isn't it great?

745

I don't recognize myself and the ones

that stay and the ones that understand.

746

And it was during this time,

juggling the realities.

747

And the practicalities of being the only

one responsible for my life now, the

748

beauty of that, the freedom of that,

and then the pain of that, oh my God,

749

I have to be the husband of myself.

750

I have to be the claimer, the

cherisher, the protector of

751

myself, all the jobs are mine.

752

Who's going to mow the lawn and

do the pragmatic, the insurance?

753

run the finances and they sound like silly

little things and they are all together.

754

I had to, I had to meet my

edges and grow so much into this

755

vastness that could hold it all.

756

And the goddess, to be honest, I

haven't actually shared this before.

757

I've done many podcasts and I've

never shared this, but she visited me.

758

I was sitting on my deck and weeping,

thinking, how will I hold all of this?

759

How will I be the husband to myself?

760

The father to my daughter, she was

with me almost full time at that

761

point and I was exhausted and I had

done some big podcast interviews.

762

And so I had floods of people

reaching out to me for sessions

763

for teaching and for guidance and

I didn't want to be a teacher.

764

I didn't like the concept of teacher.

765

We're all teachers.

766

Well, I'm the ever present

student as well as a teacher.

767

So I had not only coming to

terms with this new life, but.

768

Coming to terms with all these

people asking me to do certain things

769

and step out in a different way.

770

And she visited, and she visited

as an energetic blueprint,

771

or current, or stream.

772

I felt her come up through

my body, up through my sex.

773

I felt myself merge with that current.

774

And I felt this deep fire, this energy

of I would call it tender ferocity.

775

Kind of like a drum beat in me.

776

This rallying, I think she comes to

disrupt and to venerate everything that

777

patriarchal spirituality, which I hadn't,

didn't have any concepts of at that

778

time, tries to disown and disavow, right?

779

She comes to bring us back to wholeness.

780

And she comes to bring us into our

leash, into our power, into our strength.

781

She brings all of that awakening

that's in the crown into the base.

782

Into the body, into the cells, every

cell, and I, I didn't know that, I

783

didn't know what I thought of this,

I just felt her, and I felt her, and

784

she announced, she actually announced

herself, I feel so embarrassed about

785

saying all this, I've never said all of

this, but she announced herself as ISIS,

786

and I, I had no idea who that was, and

I hold it lightly, I hold it openly.

787

And a day later, I got a message

from somebody at this stage, I've

788

done a bunch of different podcasts

on consciousness and all of that.

789

And I got a message from some

random man in Spain, which was,

790

I get those messages a lot.

791

And he said, look, I never do this.

792

I'm a coffee grinder.

793

But I woke in the night and I

had someone called ISIS visit me.

794

And she said, this is for Lucy Grace,

you have to send her this message.

795

And he said it came in English.

796

And I never think in

English or speak in English.

797

And it won't leave me alone

until I send it to you, so

798

forgive me sending you a message.

799

And he said, from Isis for you, rest

between your desires and absolute beauty,

800

for I am Isis, ruler of the middle path.

801

The utter sacrifice is to surrender

every instant to the flow of life.

802

And after that, she came.

803

She'd come the day before

to announce herself.

804

Then I got this message

from this random man.

805

She came over and over.

806

I was Googling, who is ISIS?

807

She came over and over and over in a

myriad different ways on the side of

808

a bus, just, you know, constantly.

809

And then she started writing.

810

I just call her the goddess

and I think that's one face of

811

it but I see it as a current.

812

And then she started writing through me.

813

She just, the poems that came were

instant, completely different.

814

And they were bringing, as that drum came

in my body, what I look, what I realize

815

now looking back, bringing the power

that I needed for this new birthing,

816

this new version of me, this new life.

817

I had always had that power.

818

That's what got me out of the hood, right?

819

I'm not disowning what I already had,

but this was impersonal and yet personal.

820

And it was it's, the goddess wants to

open her body, right, and receive life.

821

This was, So I wonder if maybe

I'll read you a poem that she,

822

she wrote through me at that time.

823

Liz Childs Kelly: Yeah, I

would, I would love that.

824

I'm, my heart's feeling a little

broken because I, we're almost out

825

of time, but I feel like that would

be such a beautiful way to close.

826

If you did have a poem that you

wanted to share, I'd love to hear it.

827

Lucy Grace: Yeah.

828

Yeah.

829

So the thing that I found in my

dance with the goddess, , is she's

830

the opposite of dominance, right?

831

She wants to bring spirituality

into the world because we

832

can only give what we embody.

833

She wants us to find the

medicine in our womb, not in our

834

wounds, not disown it, right?

835

And she is the womb of all things

and wombs anoint everything.

836

Yeah, she's that fleshy

radiance of the cosmos.

837

That's the divine in density, right?

838

She wants to express here.

839

And so it's not about leaving.

840

It's about being here.

841

I won't read the one I was going

to if we're almost out of time.

842

I will read one that is for, it

just came through me the other day.

843

Actually I'll read two because

that one's quite short.

844

This one came from her, from Isis.

845

And it's the transmission of it that

came through the body as I wrote it

846

it's called The Gods Want to Dance.

847

The gods want to dance, to be known from

the ground up, flame through limbs from

848

the fire pit in my guts, drum and altar

in the temple of my heart, this holy

849

inhabitation like a full poetic fuck.

850

And so I dance.

851

Wet feet stomping seeds deep into the

fertile dirt of my light dark heart.

852

Hips rounding, honouring the drum.

853

Wrists, legs laugh.

854

I am offered up.

855

This sacred thrust, a full body prayer.

856

Deep, homing here.

857

Let learned people learn.

858

Let them overthink.

859

Let them talk and trade

emptiness like it's currency.

860

I'll be in the garden worshipping

stars, devoted to mud, on my knees to

861

innocence and sun, because the goddess is.

862

She cannot not know

you by the lick of you.

863

She is the drummer, and the

one who follows, and you

864

could never ever know this.

865

Until you know, until she bites

you open and breathes you home.

866

And that's from my book,

The Untameable Light.

867

A lot came through from her, so

that, that just came out in one go.

868

And that was her writing, that was not me.

869

I looked at that and went, wow.

870

And that teaches Lucy

the, the, the personality.

871

And she's moved me and worked through me

for a couple of years now really deeply.

872

Bye.

873

To bring me here, to bring me back

with my feet on the ground, and, and

874

to kind of, she wants you free, right?

875

She wants you free.

876

She wants you co regulating with nature,

making love with the earth, honoring.

877

And that's the last one I'll finish

on it's called The Goddess Speaks.

878

I just wrote this a few days ago.

879

A version of it was in my book, but I

changed it a lot as it came through.

880

The Goddess Speaks.

881

It feels like birthing,

like squatting close

882

to earth, or force opening

hips like arson, breathing,

883

spirit deeper into flesh.

884

It feels like summoning the magic of eons

through bone, through follicle, through

885

quiet, through open molecule and hearts.

886

It feels like throwing back my head.

887

Arching breasts and bellying

the entire cosmos through flesh.

888

It feels like roaring is praying,

bare feet pressed to mud, earthing

889

ocean and making love with moss.

890

It feels like taking in every creature

crawling, singing, loaming in me.

891

It feels like becoming everything.

892

There is an ecstasy in existing

that cannot, will not be colonized.

893

There's no sterilizing

or explaining this away.

894

There's no taming the power

of abyss, tide, moon, sorrow,

895

blood, joy, rage, seasons.

896

With your organized wars, with your

theory, ideas, tidy boxes, wrong

897

making, right making, division,

this is the nucleus of creation.

898

This is her way.

899

And wombs anoint everything.

900

You do not have dominion over tithes.

901

You must learn to write them.

902

This is the calculus of your becoming,

the axis of your ending, and every

903

beginning you have ever longed for.

904

This is birth and death

folded in on one another.

905

This is the untameable pulse.

906

I'm giving over to nature.

907

Liz Childs Kelly: So beautiful.

908

Thank you so much, Lucy, for your

time and your story and your heart.

909

I just, I feel like I was sitting on

the edge of my seat the whole time.

910

Just like kind of riveted as to

what you were going to say next.

911

It was amazing.

912

Thank you

913

Lucy Grace: so much.

914

Liz Childs Kelly: Oh,

no, I didn't need to.

915

I mean, thank you for

making my job insanely easy.

916

Wow.

917

I didn't need to.

918

So, yeah, thank you so, so much.

919

I will make sure I put in the

show notes how to find your book

920

and how, you know, other, other

921

Lucy Grace: details

922

Liz Childs Kelly: about

923

Lucy Grace: you and, thank you so much.

924

Yeah, I help people with soul initiation.

925

I have quite a long wait list for

sessions, for private sessions, but.

926

People are, if that feels like it

calls to people, they can reach out.

927

I also do group work, which is open

now and it's all on my website.

928

Liz Childs Kelly: Okay.

929

And I will, yeah.

930

So I will make sure that's, that your

website is in the show notes and yeah,

931

thanks to all of you as always for

tuning in and being here and I'm just

932

wanting to bless your own journey.

933

If the goddess is cracking

you open listen to Lucy,

934

you know, you're not alone.

935

I'm certainly experiencing

my own version of that.

936

And it's a brave and

beautiful path to be on.

937

So, so many blessings to all of you and

take good care of yourself until next

938

time I will be with you again, very soon.

939

Home to Her is hosted by me, Liz Kelley.

940

You can visit me online at hometoher.

941

com, where you can find show

notes and other episodes.

942

You can read articles about the

Sacred Feminine, and you'll also

943

find a link to join the Home to

Her Facebook group for lots more

944

discussion and exploration of Her.

945

You can also follow me on Instagram,

at home to her, to keep up to

946

date with the latest episodes.

947

Thanks so much for joining us

and we'll see you back here soon.