Ep. 35 boundaries/ resentment

Setting boundaries is hard for so many people. ( me included :) )

Fear of feeling rejected or abandoned after setting a boundary is often the case.

Is it worth it to hold a boundary even when facing upset people ?

Can we get better at setting boundaries ? And why is it so important?

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Unknown: 00:00:03

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora, and I'm so happy to have

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you here today. If you want to rest and relax, reflect, unwind

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from a busy day. And this is the place to be.

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Today is episode number 35. I want to talk about boundaries

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and resentment. I feel that boundaries and resentment go

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hand in hand. People who have clear boundaries, who know how

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to communicate their boundaries, and don't feel bad about their

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boundaries,

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don't carry around as much resentment, if at all, then

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people who don't have boundaries.

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So if you look at your life, if you look at your relationships,

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how do you react to boundaries of others? Can you recall a

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situation where a friend told you she has to go home now

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because she has errands to run? Or she has to keep it short on

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the phone today?

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Think about a situation, maybe in recent days, where a friend,

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partner or family member set a boundary?

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And do you remember how you reacted? How did you feel in

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that moment? Was that very natural to you? Because you know

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that person already? Or was it really natural and good? Because

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you have the same boundaries?

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Or where the feeling of rejection, abandonment coming

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up?

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So take a moment to think about it and be real honest with you.

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With yourself?

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And how do others react to your boundaries? Do they respect them

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without questioning without asking

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for you to give them a reason? Or do they guilt trip you and

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shame you and call you selfish because you set a boundary.

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A lot of people have problems with other people's boundaries

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and even come up with very manipulative, passive

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aggression.

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That is very, very

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uncomfortable and makes you feel bad about you setting a boundary

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then. So take a moment now and think about a situation where

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you were setting a boundary and how the other person reacted.

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Now, why is it so important to have boundaries? And why is it

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so hard for so many people to set boundaries? I think it all

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starts when we're very young. And

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I mentioned that in my first or second episode already, our

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parents were not born with a manual, where it says what we

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exactly need in which moment and where our boundaries are and

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where we have room to grow, like we are thrown into this world

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and our parents are trying to do their best. And some parents are

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really overwhelmed with parenting. And wherever you show

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character wherever you show

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your limits or your boundaries and it doesn't go with the

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intentions of the parent, you will be told that it is not

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okay, it's unconvenient and you are not allowed to set that

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boundary. And then growing up we learn that setting boundaries is

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a bad thing and that it creates conflict with people that we

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need and love and it's really very detrimental to a

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relationship or romantic relationship in adulthood then,

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if you don't know how to clearly communicate your boundaries.

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It's a big part of getting to know another person, a person

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who trusts you enough to tell you that he or she doesn't like

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something

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wants to be close to you. Even though it feels like that person

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is pushing you away in the moment. Really that person is

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showing you her limits and wants to be in contact with you.

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Just under certain circumstances and conditions, which is totally

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valid. So you actually build trust and setting boundaries

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because that person, then know they can count on you when

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you're there. And when you're not there, they're not rejecting

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or trying to mindfuck you or manipulate you, or make you feel

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bad, and they're just busy with something else. So it is

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definitely a strong trust building tool that you need in

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all relationships.

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So let's talk about some examples. Now, you are on a

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phone with a friend, and the person tells you Oh, I gotta

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rush I have to hang up. Now I have no time for lengthy talk

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today. Or a friend you meet up with. And actually, you had the

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intention to spend three hours with her. But after one and a

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half hours, she says, Oh, well, I still have to go for grocery

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shopping and do my laundry. Or when you ask for help or

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support, and the person is not exactly there for you, as you

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need it.

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A person who has strong boundaries is very easy to

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identify because those people are 100% present with you, when

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they tell you that they want to help you. A person who has no

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boundaries at all, says yes to pretty much everything and wants

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to be the people pleaser and the Brest best friend ever, and can

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be replaced by anything. But sometimes they do things and you

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can really feel that they don't really do it, but they do it

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anyways. And those are the times when they were too weak to say

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no to you, and were maybe scared that they would upset you, or

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make you feel as if they rejected you or so. So that's a

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very easy clue that you can get when a person is 100% there for

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you

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at their disposal, so to say. And when a person is half acidly

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helping you out. And yeah, you can literally feel that. They

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say yes, but don't really mean it. And those are boundary

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problems that they have a nod you.

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So it's very easy to see then that everybody involved is

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suffering, the person who says yes, but actually means no. And

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the person who is accepting the services and the support, and

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feels like oh, well that person is not really there with me and

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what's going on here. And sometimes we tend to force

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things because we are in need of help, we are

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in need of support or whatever. And we kind of want people to be

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there in the moment. But really, if they do it then out of fear

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of not wanting to hurt you, then you do yourself a huge

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disservice. You have to know that a lot of people

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want to have a harmonious relationship with you. But if

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you don't respect their boundaries in that moment, then

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you will either face a huge rejection and huge monologue.

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Or

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they will face you with resentment. And resentment is

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just a natural

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outcome because people then feel violated and feel they've been

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tricked into a situation that they want to be and the

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I don't want to swear here. But the very weird thing about that

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is that they are resentful towards you know,

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even though it was their problem to set boundaries. They are

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resentful with you because they feel violated by you because you

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were maybe persistent or more assertive or clever with your

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words and they didn't have the words at the time to say no. And

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so now you are sitting in that mess. So all this to say is that

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we have to encourage people to have boundaries we have to

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encourage our partners especially in romantic

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relationships to

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be independent and do their own thing and tell us what they want

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and what they don't want. Because if we don't respect

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that, and if they don't respect this in our

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tech when it comes to us, then no healthy relationship can be

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built on that. So trust is probably one of the biggest

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things when you enter a relationship, romantic

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relationship. But then I find, being able to set boundaries,

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and to tell the people, honestly, what we don't like.

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And what we don't want to see how we don't want to be treated

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is a huge thing in forming our respectful relationship.

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So this was my episode for you today.

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resent resentment and boundaries are very critical

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to think about when you think about your friendships, and also

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your family members. I often hear over Christmas, there's

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been lots of family drama in my, with my friends or

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acquaintances, and with family members, it is the hugest The

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biggest problem because when you grow up, and they are used to

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just bullying your around and not really respecting your

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needs, because you always go with the flow, and then all of a

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sudden you turn around and tell them that this is not going on

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like this, that you have your boundaries now, then you will

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usually meet huge resistance and resentment and manipulation. But

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if you do it out of a pure heart, from a very authentic

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place, then I beg you to stick to your guns and to stay calm

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and to just

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hold that boundary up like a

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white flag.

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It is critical because people will behave differently around

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you and probably treat you better and respect you more if

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you learn how to set your boundaries in a kind and very

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clear way.

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All right, thank you so much for listening to today's episode.

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This was the Borealis experience. I'm your host

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Aurora. Thank you for being a part of this. You have been

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amazing support and I'm motivated every day to produce

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something for you.

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Until next time, Bye Bye, Aurora.