Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

Episode 207

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Zach Spafford: Hey everybody. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. So I was having a conversation this week with somebody, one, a client, and he was talk, we were talking about the Sherpa who had been working on, who have been working on Mount. Everest and all of the work that they do in helping climbers get from the bottom, from base camp all the way up to the top and how strenuous that is and how much work it requires on their part to get sometimes very novice people.

So people who have never climbed a mountain in such strenuous circumstances, all the way to the top. And it occurred to me that many, many years ago I had read a book called Banner in the Sky, which is essentially, The story of a young man who, and, and it's fiction, but it very much mirrors the true story of the first time someone ever summited a mountain called the Matterhorn.

Now you've heard of the Matterhorn, probably from Disneyland, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the real mountain, the Matterhorn. In Switzerland. It's a beautiful mountain if you've never seen it. It's a gorgeous piece of the world, and I've never seen it myself personally, but I've seen the pictures and I just, I think it's gorgeous.

But I also think, man, what a journey. What a very difficult and arduous journey. And if you didn't know the way, how much more difficult would it be? Just like climbing a mountain, quitting porn is a challenging journey, and having a guide can make all the difference. So I wanna talk today about why these two journeys share so much in common, and why having a guide is essential to reach the summit of a porn free life.

Imagine standing at the base of a towering mountain. The mountain represents the challenge of quitting porn, and it's a habit that can be deeply ingrained in our lives. It's a habit that oftentimes feels like it's insurmountable just as climbing a mountain requires determination, preparation, and the right tools.

So does the journey to overcome unwanted pornography use or unwanted pornography habits in our lives. And just like in that book and it's a kid's book. It's not really an adult book. It's like that. Young adult fiction or teen ish fiction. I remember reading it as a kid and thinking, man, what a tough journey.

'cause this guy is essentially, he's finding an. A path up the mountain, and he's, no one's ever done it before. It's him. He's about 16 years old in the book, and he's finding this path up the mountain without any guidance. His father had tried to do it, and I think if I remember correctly in the book, he, his father dies trying to climb this mountain, trying to figure out a way to get up there.

How many of us have said, well, I can do it on my own. How many times have you said, I can get there, I can climb this mountain, I can find a way, I can absolutely do this. I just need to do it on my own. I can't tell you how many times I hear wives or moms or dads or even guys who come to me and they're like, yeah, I'm just gonna try and do it on my own.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard somebody say, I'm gonna try and do it on my own. And that's fine. You can do it on your own. I'm not saying you can't. I will tell you it's a lot harder trip. I know that from personal experience. I know because I've climbed the mountain and I would imagine if you talked to a Sherpa, I would imagine if you talked to a Sherpa, somebody who professionally helps people climb Mount Everest, they would tell you, you can do this on your own.

But it is very, very difficult. And you have to be very, very experienced. Meaning if you're very, very experienced, you've spent more time climbing mountains than probably anybody else on the mountain. That's how experienced I think you have to be. And when I think about getting to the top of Mount Everest, when I think about getting to the top of the mountain of quitting porn, I think why would you not ask for a guide?

Why would you say, I'm just gonna do this on my own. And I'll grant you guys, I have a vested interest in this. The work that I do is helping people climb this mountain, but I want you to know you don't have to do it alone. You can do it. I know people do it just by listening to this podcast. I know people do it by joining my membership.

I know people do it by going through individual coaching. I know people do it by going through our couples program. So there are a lot of options. It's just a matter of how much time and energy are you willing to spend. Working at it on your own versus working at it with someone who's actually gotten to the top of the mountain themselves.

And here's the thing about the journey to quit pornography. It's a lot like climbing the mountain because it's not just about reaching a particular result. You're not just climbing a mountain just to get to the top. You're climbing a mountain because you want personal growth. You want self-discovery, you want empowerment.

You experience all of those things along the way. Those are people don't climb necessarily. Just climb a mountain to get to the top so they can have a great view. They climb the mountain because they're saying, how hard can I push myself to become better, more amazing, more capable, more empowered, more powerful in my own life?

I often say that porn is not the problem, and climbing the mountain is not the end result. Not really. Getting to the top of the mountain is not the end result. That's not really what you're looking for. What you're looking for is the capacity to be the person that you want to be beyond pornography, thriving, living a much more healthy life, being capable of showing up in ways that you never were able to show up before.

And when pornography presents itself. Because it will, it'll consistently present itself throughout your life. There will be nudity, there will be attractive individuals. There will be times at the beach, there will be times at the mall. There will be times when you're alone in a hotel room. All of those times are still gonna be there, but your capacity to meet those moments is what is the important part.

That's the part that you're growing. That's the part that you're empowering yourself. That's what you're discovering. Discovering is your capacity. Much like the breathtaking views that the hikers encounter on their ascent. Individuals overcoming pornography can find renewed clarity, healthier relationships, and improve self-esteem as they progress.

While some might attempt to con conquer the mountain alone, you could probably do it. I'm telling you I did it and I'm not any smarter than anybody out there. Having a knowledgeable guide can drastically increase the chances of success. Having a knowledgeable guide is a valuable resource to know whether to turn right or turn left, what to carry, how to practice to get there, all of those things Similar to having a Sherpa, having a coach.

As you go through the process of quitting pornography, that provides guidance, it provides a sense of understanding. It provides some objective re reasoning and ob objective observation that you can't get yourself. We like to say in the coaching world, you cannot read the label from inside the bottle.

There's a reason why Tiger Woods, who is arguably the best golfer of all times, there's a reason why he has a. Coach, he has probably a couple coaches. He probably has a strength coach. He probably has a swing coach. He probably even has. Other coaches that help him with his mental game, those coaches are not there just telling Tiger Woods, Hey, do it this way.

What they're really doing is they're helping Tiger see things that he can't see himself. Helping him see things that are occurring with and for and around him that he would be unable to see without their perspective. That's why they're there. So you can totally do this on your own. I'm not saying you can't, but I want you to understand that if you want to succeed more quickly and seeing things that you couldn't see if it was just you looking in the mirror, that's an important thing to note.

And if you want that, you can sign up for a free consult. Go to z bradford.com/work with me. I would love to set up a free call with you just as. Each climb may be different. If you're climbing the Matterhorn, that's different than climbing Mount Everest, and that's different than climbing Mount McKinley.

You're gonna work with different Sherpa, different guides, different people who've climbed that mountain, that do it professionally, that help you actually achieve the result. You may wanna look for a coach who can help you do exactly what it is that's going on for you. You may not wanna look for a coach who has a theoretical knowledge of the problem, or you may not wanna find it.

You know that you're, the coach that you're working with has an understanding of how to do the coaching, but that hasn't actually done the work. I always tell people there's a difference between making payroll as a business owner and theoretically discussing how payroll works as a professor. Those are two different things, and I'm not saying that you can't learn how to make payroll from a professor.

What I am saying is if you wanna know what it really is like to make payroll, do the work of hiring and firing people, understanding how HR really works in the real world, you're probably gonna go look for a guy who's been in business for 20 years to help mentor you through the process. That's what I've done every time I've started a new business and I've started a number of them.

'em. What I want you to understand is you can learn these things on your own. You can even learn 'em just from YouTube. There's a lot of resources out there, but the question isn't, can I do it on my own? The question is, do I really want to do it on my own? Do I wanna keep stumbling through this until I figure it out?

Or do I want someone who can help me find a real practical. Way of resolving this in a proven fashion, and it's something that they've done. They've climbed that mountain. They've made payroll, they know how it works. Their spouse has worked with hundreds of spouses because she has also done the work in getting beyond that betrayed state.

Getting to a place where they're no longer blaming their spouse for the struggle that they're existing in, and they are living in a way that is thriving. That's exciting. That's the best intimacy that they've had. In their entire 20 years of marriage. That's Darcy and I. Reaching the summit of a mountain is a huge moment.

It's a culmination of hard work, perseverance, dedication. Likewise, achieving a life that's thriving beyond pornography is a monumental achievement that deserves celebration. And I want you to understand that the accomplishment of leaving pornography behind is just the beginning. And then there's creating the relationship that you enjoy where you and your partner are on the same page where you and your spouse can communicate about what's going on for you without the other person making it about them.

And then when you come together, when you have those intimate moments, when you are choosing each other from a position of solid ownership of your space, how sweet that joy is in your ability. To love each other and be the kind of people that you've told each other you wanted to be from the very beginning.

I remember Darcy and I we started our marriage listening to self-help books. Think about that. We started our marriage. I remember our very first trip to California when we went on our honeymoon from upstate Illinois. We, I lived north of Chicago and Darcy's family had moved to Chicago land area and we got married there and, As we, when we went on our honeymoon, we drove across the country and we had CDs in my green Volkswagen Jetta, and we listened to these CDs on how to create a great marriage.

That's the kind of relationship that we started. That's who we wanted to be from the very beginning. Great people who kept growing and loved each other through it all. All of that, reaching the summit, getting to the place where you want to be, getting to a place where you and your spouse like each other.

Not just love each other, not just tolerate each other or stay with each other because of one thing or another, but really each other. Darcy and I used to say, I like you to Darcy, not I love you. I like you. Because she had some people in her life who used to say, I love you, but I don't like you.

And I wanted her to know that I liked her and I still like her. If she were here right now, she would tell you. She knows that I like her. But getting to that place sometimes requires someone being able to point out to you and your spouse. You as an individual who struggles with porn or your spouse as someone who's struggling with being in a place where you don't feel like you can trust your loved one who has chosen to view pornography.

It takes sometimes somebody pointing out how you can move forward for you to be able to do that's what I'm saying here. And climbing a mountain is a lot like quitting porn. It's a lot like creating a relationship. And that journey can often be augmented meaningfully and very, very effectively. By having someone help you walk through the process, I want you to remember that the journey to overcome pornography is a process.

It requires patience. It requires a little bit of determination, and it definitely requires the right support. Whether you're at the base of the mountain or well on your way, know that you don't have to navigate this path alone. Seek out a coach, seek out a guide. Help yourself by embracing the challenges that are going to come along the way.

Embrace the path. Know that you don't have to navigate that path alone. Keep your eyes on the summit, a life free from the hold of pornography. Thanks for joining me on this episode of Thrive Beyond Pornography. Remember, you have the strength within you to climb this mountain and thrive beyond pornography for good for the last time forever.

And when you're ready for my help, sign up for free consult. I would love to meet with you. Alright, I will talk to you guys next week.