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Can we really take someone else's perspective? That's the big question we dive into today. I share my thoughts on whether we can truly feel what others feel or understand where they're coming from. We explore the idea that while we might think we can relate, the truth is we can never fully walk in someone else's shoes. I talk about the difference between unhealthy and healthy ways of trying to empathize with others. By the end, we’ll look at how to approach understanding others better, focusing on asking questions and listening instead of assuming we know what they feel.

We like to think we can take someone else's perspective, and maybe it's possible – let's discuss. In this podcast I talk about whether or not we can really walk in someone else's shoes, and whether there is a healthy or an unhealthy way of doing that.

Exploring the depths of human connection, the discussion focuses on the age-old question: can we truly understand another person's feelings? We dive into the nuances of empathy, emphasizing that while we might think we can put ourselves in someone else's shoes, the reality is far more complex. Personal stories, like those shared during Remembrance Day with veterans, highlight that hearing someone's experiences doesn't equate to actually feeling what they felt. The conversation underscores how films and books can provide context but ultimately fall short of substituting for lived experience. The realization that our interpretations of pain and struggle are unique to our backgrounds and situations leads to a thought-provoking conclusion: genuine understanding comes not from assuming we know what someone else feels, but from asking questions and allowing them to share their story in their own words. The emphasis is on finding a balance between empathy and self-preservation, learning to listen without jumping to conclusions about shared experiences.

Takeaways:

• We often think we can understand someone else's feelings, but that's not true.
• Even if we share similar experiences, our reactions and feelings can be very different.
• The healthy way to empathize is to ask questions and listen to their stories.
• It's important to recognize that we can't fully take on someone else's perspective.
• Trying to relate our experiences to others can sometimes diminish their feelings.
• Real empathy involves understanding that everyone's experience is unique and personal.

Can you truly ever take someone else's perspective?

Can you really walk in their shoes?

Can you really say, I know how you feel?

Can you really do that?

How many times have we said that?

Is it really possible?

We watch movies, we read books, we find out all this information about these people, you know, our friends, close friends.

But can we really understand and feel what they feel from their perspective?

In this podcast, I'm going to talk about seeing it from someone else's perspective, whether we can feel what they feel, what it means.

And I'm going to talk about the whole healthy and unhealthy way of doing it.

I often talk about healthy and unhealthy ways of everything.

I don't believe in good and bad and positive and negative.

I believe in some things, either leaning towards a healthy way of doing something or unhealthy way of doing something.

I find it gives me a lot less suffering, a lot more joy.

It's not so much black and white then.

And at the end of this podcast, I'll talk about a healthy way of seeing things from somebody else's perspective.

So let's begin.

I'm Stephen Webb and I'm your host of Stillness in the Storms.

And this is the podcast that helps you to wake up and live life with less suffering, more joy, and especially in a very frustrating world.

You can find out more about me stephenweb.uk and where you can support me by downloading an app just by a link on that page, StephenWeb.uk that'd be awesome and amazing.

But let's get on with today's podcast and let's talk about can you truly take someone else's perspective?

Can you truly feel what they're feeling or understand from where they're coming from?

And I've been at Remembrance Parade the last couple of weeks, not solidly, but we had the Field of Poppies where you went down and done a little march and done a little two minute silence.

We also had the Poppy launch where we've done a little silence.

And during that time I've been hanging around with veterans and talking a bit about their stories.

And I did the same last year and on Sunday we had the full on Remembrance Day.

So we had the two minute silence in the morning.

And we also had the because we're the count, the city, the main city in the county.

We had the Countywide Remembrance Day, 2 o', clock, Lord Lieutenant, lots of other mayors and everybody turns up and we do a little march through town along with many of the other cadets and soldiers and the Army, Navy, and the Air Force.

And they all turn up and we all march and we all.

I say we all march.

I don't.

But we all lay a reef.

Many of us lay a reef.

And in talking to their stories, they're telling me about the things that they went through and their parents went through, grandparents sometimes, and I try to see it from where they're coming from.

And I used to think that I could do that.

I used to think that because I've seen movies, because I've seen other things.

And there's a movie called Saving Private Ryan in the first 20 minutes.

It's absolutely mind blowing how terrible and awful the D day landings were.

And you feel like you're there, but you're not.

Because you haven't got the smell, you haven't got the fear, you haven't got the context of everything apart from, you know the story.

But you don't really know what they went through the days before.

You don't know how hungry they are, you don't know how fearful they are.

You don't know much training they've had.

You just don't know any of these things and their lives and their stories.

Some of them might be getting out of the boats really enthusiastic to go.

Some of them might be terrified to get out.

Some of them might have froze.

We don't know.

And we never can truly know.

Even if we listen to their story, even if we sat down with one of the survivors and they tell it through the eyes of the way they experienced it, we still cannot truly understand or feel.

We can get close, maybe, but we just cannot actually live it.

It's impossible.

And even when we read books of famous people and we hear stories, and even if it is similar, we might have been in the army and we might have gone to other battles.

No.

Or I might be talking to someone else that's paralyzed like me.

C5 complete.

And if you see two C5 completes together, we lean the same way.

We tend to pick up things the same way.

Our hands are paralyzed the same way.

And we talk the same way.

We talk in short sentences and take breaths.

As you notice now that I brought that attention to you, you'll notice even on this podcast, you'll also see that we're just very similar in many ways.

Just the same as two humans walk very similarly together.

But the experience of walking for two people is completely different.

The experience of being paralyzed as a C5 complete is completely different.

For me and somebody else, I broke my neck at 18.

Even if somebody else broke their neck at 18 in a diving pool.

What did they go through in life before that?

Did they have the childhood I had?

Even if they did, it wouldn't be identical.

So have they got the muscles that I've got?

You know, are they better prepared than me?

And these are the kind of things that you cannot ever truly know.

But what's really interesting is when we think we can because we're similar circumstances and taking a more generic approach.

You know, I know what it's like to be tired.

I know it's like to be hungry.

I don't know what it's like to be really hungry.

I don't know what it's like for a child in a third world country where they haven't eaten for days.

I don't always like to be thirsty, where you haven't had a drink for days and days in the desert.

But we can try to understand.

We can come to somewhere there.

Each one of our pain thresholds is different.

One person's pain is another person's.

I don't mind that.

I went to the dentist and I had to do a live that afternoon.

I said to the dentist, can we try to do it without injections?

So I didn't want to talk like, as if I just like had some kind of, I don't know, something wrong in my mind that made me slow my words now.

And I'm trying to think of the appropriate way of saying that, you know, stroke or something like that, you know, and I didn't want to go on a live when all my mouth was dribbling.

So they said, okay, so, but you probably won't be able to cope.

And I said, well, let's give it a go.

And I agreed with the dentist that we would go in 30 second intervals.

I would take three breaths and I would raise my hand if it was too much.

Well, from that perspective, I managed it.

She drilled my tooth out and she really, she was quite surprised actually, that I managed it.

But she drilled my tooth out several times.

But she agreed that she would stop after three breaths, after 30 seconds every time.

So I knew that pain was going to come to an end every single time.

And I was able to endure it for that time.

Then if I didn't know the pain was going to end after 30 seconds, I would never have done it.

I couldn't have done it that somebody else could.

So we tend to compare ourselves as if we're doing better or worse than somebody else based on their pain and our pain.

Someone comes in and says, oh, I've got a real bad pain in my leg.

And we go, yeah, well, I.

My leg nearly fell off one day.

Okay, bit of an exaggeration, but, you know, we tend to do that.

We.

And we're doing it for two reasons.

We're doing it because we're trying to show that person that we understand where they are, and we're also trying to show that we're doing okay.

We subconsciously try to do better as well.

Of course we do.

Humans are competitive, social animals, and we have this hierarchy that we're trying to compete even if we don't see it.

It's there, trust me, very much.

Subconscious, but it's there.

Your subconscious mind wants to let the world know you're doing all right.

But it is really interesting the way that this old adage that you can literally walk in someone else's shoes, it's just false.

And we need to somehow have a healthier way of doing this, a better way of doing this.

And there is.

But let's go through the two ways of doing it.

There's an unhealthy way and a healthy way.

When I talk about healthy and unhealthy, the reason why I do this is if you look at everything in life, whether or not it's alcohol, whether or not it's sex or anything, there's.

There's a healthy and unhealthy way of doing things.

You know, even thinking negative.

There's an unhealthy way of living there and just be negative all the time.

And a healthy way of using negativity.

I've done a podcast about healthy and unhealthy empathy, and I'll be really brief.

Unhealthy empathy is literally taking on other people's feelings and not being able to function yourself.

That doesn't help you or anybody.

Healthy empathy is being able to take on their.

Or being able to feel what they're feeling, but not taking it on yourself.

I suppose this is a progression of really taking that empathy to a real different level of healthiness.

So an unhealthy way of taking someone else's perspective or the perception of doing it is thinking that you can do it, thinking that you can literally put yourselves in their shoes.

Just because I'm paralyzed, it doesn't mean to say I can see someone else that's paralyzed and go, I know what that feels like.

I don't.

I suffer from a condition called autonomic dysreflexia.

And in autonomic dysreflexia means my blood pressure goes sky high to about 250 over 160 almost instantly.

And it gives a pounding headache.

And, like, people are sticking pins in me everywhere, and I sweat and it's horrible.

It's hell on earth.

But I haven't always experienced it in the same way.

It's getting worse.

But when I was in my 20s, that autonomic dysreflexia progressed in such a different way when it happened.

Whereas nowadays it's.

It's just worse.

I don't know, it's because my body's older or.

I don't know, it's more pain and.

But somebody else having that same attack and that same condition would clearly experience it different.

There'll be similarities.

There'll be the sweating, they'll be turning the blue, there'll be the high blood pressure.

But how the body manifests, that would be different.

So an unhealthy way is thinking, well, I have that too, so I know how you feel.

You can go, I have that too.

Explain to me how it affects you.

And yes, somebody else with autonomic dysreflexia or someone else with a similar condition or a similar feeling would be able to come closer.

But it doesn't mean to say you can truly do it.

You know, two people losing a leg, some people might have fantasy pain, some people might not.

So unhealthy way is literally thinking that we can do it.

I remember doing an interview just a few weeks ago on Radio Cornwall, and it reminded me that the DJ reminded me of when he looked up and goes, I suppose some people will say that I see you as not in a wheelchair, and that's fine, but it depends on the context.

You know, if you're designing a house for me, you better see that I'm in a wheelchair.

You know, if you're inviting me somewhere and I've got to go, well, I'm in an electric wheelchair.

You.

You better plan that.

You know, the restaurant is one that has access.

So.

But if you're asking me for my knowledge on meditation, then especially on the mind side, that's fine.

My experience have been there as someone in a wheelchair or just my experience have been there not including that, that's fine.

But if you're wanting to exclude the fact that I'm in a wheelchair, because maybe you cannot empathize with it, maybe you cannot understand it, or maybe you want to make me feel better and not see that it would be unhealthy.

It'd be unhealthy not to recognize it.

And again, it depends on the Context.

If.

If you're gonna come to me about meditation, sat on a cushion and how to sit.

No, see that I'm in a wheelchair.

And see, I'm.

I'm going to be able to give you a vague way of doing it, but I'm not going to know truly, because I can.

And again, it comes down to childhood and things like that.

So an unhealthy way is going to.

I know how you feel because I've been there.

I know how you feel because it was worse for me.

It may have been worse for you that the conditions may have been worse, but you may have the better muscles because you may have had a tougher childhood.

Two people can explain, can experience exactly the same thing, but one has been through a lot more in their childhood.

Therefore, they've grown the ability to deal with a lot more than the other person.

So the experience of that same event, almost identical event, would be different for both of them.

You see where I'm going with this?

So.

So you're starting to realize maybe that you cannot take someone else's perspective.

You can somewhat empathize, you can somewhat go there, but you cannot truly do it.

So what would the healthy way of doing it?

That's the good question.

As you see, this is something I ponder quite a lot.

The healthy and unhealthy versions.

And the healthy way is that I don't really know, I cannot really understand.

Explain more.

And they may bring up something.

You go, well, I can kind of get there because this happened to me.

Is that similar?

But ask questions.

The more questions you can ask that the more they can explain, the more information they can give, the better perspective you'll have.

But let them explain.

Don't you try to explain.

Because again, it's not their perspective, it's yours.

You might think you've got it, but you haven't.

You cannot have it.

So ask questions, take time to sit back, allow them to explain the situation, allow them to put it in context as well, and allow them to put it in context of their lives, which is really, really important.

So hopefully, to recap on this podcast, so to recap on this podcast, you cannot truly walk in someone else's shoes.

Stop trying to do it.

Stop.

When they come in there and sit there, do you know what?

I've had a hell of a day.

Stop going, yeah, I've had hell of a day, too.

Listen to that.

Hell of a day.

And when they're ready, they'll listen to your hell of a day.

Stop trying to say, well, I feel that because I've done this.

It's not a competition.

It's not a competition who has the biggest pain threshold or who experience the most.

It's about truly understanding and helping them completely from the perspective of that we're there, too.

And it's not about presuming the unhealthy way is.

I can take on that perspective because I've seen a movie, I've read a book, or my friends in a wheelchair, things like that.

You just cannot do it.

So the healthy way is ask questions, ask them more.

What's it really like?

How does it feel?

What kind of life have you had?

And I know you cannot always go into deep detail, but the healthy way is, how much detail can I go in now?

How much time have I got?

Can I ask questions if I can?

I've got to do the best I can.

But the main thing is don't confess that you know their side.

Don't say, I know how you feel.

Rephrase it to something a little more subtler.

Say, do you know what?

I may know how you feel to some degree, a little bit different.

I know it's a play on words.

I know it's a little bit.

But the subtle changes is huge.

Yeah, subtle changes is huge.

So I'm Stephen Webb, and this is Stillness in the Storms, the podcast that helps you to find a little more joy and a little less suffering in life when life is a little frustrating.

You can help me by sharing this podcast.

That'd be amazing.

That'd be awesome.

Leave me a review on itunes or, you know, star me on Spotify or just do whatever on whatever platform you're on.

That'd be awesome and amazing.

But sharing will be incredible.

And if you want to drop me a message, I had an email from a lovely lady this morning asking me, where's my podcast?

And thank you for the encouragement.

Really makes a difference.

And she gave me an idea of my next podcast.

So I really, really appreciate that.

So if anything resonated with you in this podcast and you want to go deeper, please let me know.

Please email me, and we will certainly try to go deeper, and we'll certainly do a podcast about it.

That'd be amazing.

That would help me out.

It would help you out.

And there's somebody else with the same deeper insight, or there's somebody else out there that does want to know what you want to know.

So drop me an email, go to stephenweb.uk and you'll find all the links and connections that you need to be able to contact me, support me, buy me a coffee or whatever you'd like to do.

Take care.

I love you guys.

You are awesome.

I hope you have the most amazing day and keep in touch.

Don't be a stranger.

Bye.