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18: Date Smarter, Not Harder: Kelly Brandli’s Guide to Healthy RELATIONSHIPS
Episode 18 • 4th September 2024 • So Frickin' Healthy • Danna & Megan
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In this episode of the So Frickin Healthy podcast, hosts Danna and Megan chat with Kelly Brändli, a scientific dating and relationship coach, and professional matchmaker.

Kelly discusses her journey from Vancouver to Switzerland, the end of her marriage, and how she found a fulfilling career helping others navigate relationships. Kelly shares stories of her extensive travels in Africa, her fascinating COVID love story, and why she had to go on 96 dates before finding 'the one.'

Together, they delve into the science of healthy relationships, attachment styles, and the importance of self-love. If you've ever wondered how relationships impact your health, or how to navigate dating with emotional baggage, this episode is for you!

00:00 Introduction to the So Frickin' Healthy Podcast

00:11 Meet Kelly Brändli: Scientific Dating and Relationship Coach

00:56 Kelly's Journey from Canada to Switzerland

01:42 Adventures in Africa: Kelly's Travel Stories

05:10 The Love Story That Brought Kelly to Switzerland

06:44 From Heartbreak to Helping Others: Kelly's Career Shift

10:14 The Impact of Relationships on Health

16:58 COVID Love Story: Kelly and Renee

18:50 The 96 Dates Experiment

22:59 Attachment Styles and Dating

27:22 Working with Divorced and Single Clients

28:52 Navigating Post-Divorce Relationships

30:12 The Importance of Self-Discovery

32:57 Emotional Baggage and Moving On

37:02 Understanding Compatibility and Attachment

41:16 The Role of Love Languages

56:40 Final Thoughts

58:09 Outtakes and Fun Moments

Mentioned in this episode:

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Organilicious - Danna, Functional Medicine Health Coach

Transcripts

Speaker:

Megan J. McCrory: Welcome to another

episode of the So Frickin Healthy podcast,

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the show that gives you an apple a

day and food for thought for those who

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want to have their cake and eat it too.

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Hello, everybody.

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I'm Kelly Brandly, and I'm a scientific

dating and relationship coach, as

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well as a professional matchmaker.

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And I'm today's guest on the

So Frickin Healthy podcast.

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In this episode, we talk about

healthy relationships, emotional

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baggage, attachment styles,

and our five love languages.

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Hi, Kelly.

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How are you doing today?

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Kelly Brandli: Hi, I'm really great.

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Nice to be here, Danna and Megan.

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Thank you so much for the invitation.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: sure thing.

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Megan J. McCrory: We've been wanting to

have a relationships podcast for a while.

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I think you talked about sex specifically.

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I think Donna's got sex on the mind,

So before we dive into relationships

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and stuff, let's just Let's learn

a little bit more about you, Kelly.

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I read that you are in love with

Canada and you're from Canada.

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So where in Canada are you from?

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And then how did you get

over here to Switzerland?

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Kelly Brandli: Well, I'm originally

from Vancouver, which always leads

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to the question, why would you leave

beautiful Vancouver and come here?

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And I always say I came for love

and I stayed for the love of it.

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I think it's absolutely beautiful here.

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there's a long story, about the love

that brought me here, and how that

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ended in flames and tragedy and all

kinds of stuff which we can get into.

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but the outcome of that is I have

the most amazing career now, and I

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get to help people go through all

that and come out the other side now.

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Megan J. McCrory: You also mentioned

in our little pre recording survey

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that you're an extensive traveler.

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So I'm curious, what's the most remote

place that you've ever traveled to?

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Mm

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Kelly Brandli: The most remote, well

I guess it's probably, I lived in

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Africa in Tanzania for half a year

and then I traveled for another year.

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Um, half year around and so I've

been to all kinds of remote places

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and villages in different parts of

Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Burundi, Malawi.

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I used to spend my weekends on the island

of Zanzibar, which is now touristy, but

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at that time there was nobody there.

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So I've experienced a lot of things

and I did it on my own as a backpacker.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Megan J. McCrory: so brave.

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I mean, I think, I think for me, like

traveling within Europe and the, in

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North America, it is easy, right?

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Because it's kind of culturally ubiquitous

from my point of view, it's the same.

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Ubiquitous is the wrong word, but, you

know, anywhere besides these two places,

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I feel like I don't understand the culture

enough to travel, even with other people.

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I was just telling Donna the

other day, I would love to

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take my mom, to the Holy Land.

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But it's always a little nerve wracking.

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Of course, Donna, she's like, whatever,

you know, she just goes there and does

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it because she's familiar with it.

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So I think familiarity with locations, but

I think, isn't that part of the allure?

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You just don't know what, what it is.

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So you've got to go

explore it for yourself.

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Kelly Brandli: Exactly.

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So, I mean, I was,

younger when I did that.

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When I think back now, I ask

myself, what was I thinking?

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you do those things when you're invincible

in your, you know, early adulthood.

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I did learn Swahili, which helped

me tremendously get out of a lot of,

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binds and close calls and dangerous

situations I shouldn't have been in.

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but yeah, I mean, it was, that was

the excitement of it is going to

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a place that I didn't know anybody

that had been to and really just

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exploring what it was all about with

my backpack and my hiking boots.

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Megan J. McCrory: Um,

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: I have to ask this.

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I know we're, we're now on like a

travel, uh, podcast apparently, but

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that's okay because I'm really curious.

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Would you let your kids

go on that same trip?

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Kelly Brandli: Oh, hell no.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: Okay.

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Got it.

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Kelly Brandli: No, no, no.

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I actually remember my mom, the day

I left, I went to say goodbye to her

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and she was in such complete denial.

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She said, where are you going?

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And I said, I'm going off to Tanzania.

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And she says, don't be ridiculous.

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No, you're not.

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And I said, yeah, I am.

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And I think that was the only

way she managed to survive that

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period was by completely denying

that I was in another continent.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann:

Wow, that's hilarious.

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My mom would like, I don't

know, somehow get me back with

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the power of her laser eyes.

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don't know how she would

do it, but she would do it.

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So I, as much as I want to hear all

about your travels, because it sounds

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like really, really fascinating stories.

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I have to ask, because you did

mention the love that brought you

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to and how it ended up in flames.

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And I think that that's probably a

very important story before we even,

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you know, dig into what you actually

do, to understand what actually

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brought you to do what you do.

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Kelly Brandli: Yeah, so I met my ex

husband while I was at university.

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And so there is a natural transition.

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Part of what brought us together was when

he was growing up in Switzerland, his

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parents spent a lot of time in Africa.

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And so we actually connected

over my travels in Africa, and

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that sort of brought us together.

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And then at one point he lost his job and

ended up, uh, through a connection of his

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father getting a job back in Switzerland.

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And so returned to Switzerland.

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I said, well, I'm coming with you.

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Having never heard of Switzerland

really before and not knowing where it

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was, I said, yeah, take me with you.

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And so that's how I got here.

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To Switzerland in the first place

and then, you know, go on 10 years.

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We moved many times in between.

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I lived in Austria and we came back and

then my marriage shortly after my son

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was born, basically exploded, right?

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All this kind of stuff that we hadn't

dealt with, came up and we ended up

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separating when my son was two years old.

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three weeks after my ex husband

moved out, my mother died, and so

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I went through this, like I said,

really traumatic, crisis situation.

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I was so devastated by all this loss.

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Um, having to travel back to Canada,

you know, plan a funeral with a two

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year old, for those of us that have

children, we know what that's like,

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you know, all that kind of stuff.

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And so it sent me on this journey of how

am I going to get through all of this?

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And at the time I had my own company,

I was doing staffing and recruiting

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in the pharmaceutical industry.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: Yeah.

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Kelly Brandli: And going through this

process of how do I cope with this?

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And what does my future look like?

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And do I want a relationship again?

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And if yes, how do I, am I ever going

to figure that out led me to start down

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this path of coaching, learning all

there was about the science of dating

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and relationships, I became a matchmaker.

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transferring my recruiting

skills into the love space.

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And I found this new purpose

in life, which is really to

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help other men and women who go

through similar types of stories.

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Sometimes they're more

traumatic than mine.

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Sometimes they're less, but

at the end of the day is.

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How do people then move on from a divorce

or a breakup to then find really the

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love of their life and create a healthy,

committed long term relationship?

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: That's amazing.

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So I have to ask a follow up question.

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It sounds to me, and correct me if I'm

wrong, it sounds to me like you became

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a matchmaker while not actually being in

your then new relationship or like the

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solid new relationship that you're in now.

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Kelly Brandli: very

perceptive and correct.

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That is very true.

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So I wanted to help other people find

the love that eluded me at that point.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann:

That's really interesting.

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How do you do that when you don't know how

to, not that you don't know, but when you

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haven't gone through it yourself, I guess.

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Kelly Brandli: very good question.

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And I'll say, you know, there's

a lot of people in the industry

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who are not in relationships.

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And, you know, it's also

there's a saying, right?

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You don't go to a brain surgeon

that operates on himself, right?

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You go to the guy that

knows what he's doing.

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And oftentimes there's this thing

we can help other people a lot

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more than we can help ourselves.

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And that was really the process

of learning that I went through.

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It wasn't until I got my own

coach that I actually was able

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to sort it out for myself.

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And now I have the most amazing

partner in the entire world.

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Sorry, ladies.

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Um, it's just, yeah, absolutely fantastic.

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But it took me going through the process

of what I now teach other people.

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Megan J. McCrory: Yeah, well,

no, I have to correct you there.

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I have the best partner

in the entire world.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: sorry guys,

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Kelly Brandli: Yeah.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: I'm

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Megan J. McCrory: No, it's George.

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George is the best.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: George is hands

down the best human person on the face

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of the planet, but let's not fight.

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We're all pretty.

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Next.

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Next.

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Kelly Brandli: I think actually

what we're doing is making the

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point is at the end of the day,

it's about finding the one for us.

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Right, and our ideal best partner

is the one that fits to us and, you

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know, your best partner is not going

to be the same for me and vice versa.

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And a lot of what people struggle

with is thinking that the Hollywood

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ideal is the best partner for them,

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Megan J. McCrory: Mm hmm.

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Kelly Brandli: which is not true.

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Megan J. McCrory: No, my, my, my,

my husband is not a Hollywood ideal.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: Same for mine.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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Megan J. McCrory: we were recording

about the How relationships fit into

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health because, you know, we're on the

so freaking healthy podcast and maybe

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I don't know if, I don't know if you

can even because it's been a while, but

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reflect on when you were going through

this time, both of losing your mom and

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your relationship with your husband.

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what do you can you remember what

physical other physical kind of

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health things went along with being

in that state of emotional distress.

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I mean, I can't imagine that the rest

of your body was reacting very well

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to that or how did your body react and

kind of can tie that back into health.

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Kelly Brandli: So you're opening

up a can of worms here because

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I, had extreme physical symptoms.

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going through that.

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I mean, I was in depression.

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I'll be open.

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I ended up taking antidepressants

to cope with that, which ended

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up in emergency heart surgery.

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yeah.

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So seven months after it all all happened.

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so that's how much.

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A really bad crisis situation out of

a relationship can actually physically

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impact you and on the flip side of

that we know from research that having

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a really happy, healthy relationship

can positively impact your health.

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So, just referencing, many people have

heard of it, the Harvard study, this

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80 year study where they followed,

initially men and then it was expanded

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by other researchers to look at what

creates happiness later in life and

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what creates good health later in life.

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And it all comes down to having

this really stable, secure,

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Healthy relationship, and that

can actually prevent us from

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developing things like depression.

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Later in life, they even were able

to show that it positively decreases

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the pain that we experience.

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In our seventies and eighties.

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So if you're in a healthy relationship in

your forties and fifties, you experience

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less pain in your seventies and eighties.

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I mean, how amazing is that?

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Yeah.

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So the joy, happiness, and

fulfillment we can experience from

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relationships can actually help

us live longer, healthier lives.

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Okay.

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Megan J. McCrory: Yeah,

that's, the blue zones as well.

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I'm not sure if that's tied

with the Harvard study at

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all, but, the blue zones.

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Have you heard of this?

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Where people live to be the closest

to a hundred years old, like these

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areas around the world where people

live really, really long lives.

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And they did also, of studies,

talking, staying with these people,

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learning about the culture, learning

about the food, the exercise, you

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know, all of their lifestyle and why

certain groups of people live longer.

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And in every single one.

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it was relationships and community.

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And so not necessarily a romantic

relationship as what we're talking about

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today, but just relationships in general.

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You know, groups of, I think there was

a spot in Japan where there was groups

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of women who were together since five

or six years old, and they have these

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little groups that they stay with.

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Until, of course, usually all their

husbands die before them because women

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live longer, you know, so you have

to figure this stuff out when you're

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older, but, , they, they've gone

through their entire life and they're

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still with this tiny little group of

friends and having that relationship.

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Also, the, the Church of Latter day

Saints, actually, which is a religious

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group, so it doesn't have to be just

culturally, you know, in a specific

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location, but it also religious groups

that have community aspects to it and

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relationships, and I think that goes to

the exactly what you were just saying.

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They have, because of these

relationships, they have lived longer,

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and that's also the Blue Zones, if

you're ever interested, and I think

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they've done also a documentary, but

I think it's also a book as well.

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Kelly Brandli: Yeah, I wasn't

familiar with the name, but I

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do know a lot about the studies.

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I know that they've done research

in Japan about these women who move

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into these communal homes and they

buy them in their like 30s and 40s.

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with the understanding that once our,

our husbands pass on, then we'll move

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in there together, which is fascinating.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: We should totally

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Megan J. McCrory: no, I, I, I'm already

planning my golden girl group, you

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know, that's what I'm calling it.

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It's my golden girl group,

because I, that, that's what's

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going to happen at some point.

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I'm going to outlive my husband, and

then I'm going to need my girls,

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you And we're going to just hire

someone to come in, cook for us so

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we can craft all day and binge watch

whatever, whatever shows are on.

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Kelly Brandli: You just mentioned

something that I just wanted to

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touch on, which is this idea of

what is important in relationships.

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And it's actually the intimacy, right?

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It's, and I always say intimacy

stands for into me you see, and

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it comes down to vulnerability.

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Do we have people in our life?

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Where we feel safe to be vulnerable

with that we can share those

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deepest parts of ourselves and you

know, a worry shared is a worry.

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What did they say?

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That saying, it's it's yeah,

it's half or something.

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And this is part of this relationship

is do you have that kind of

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intimate relationship in your

life where you can share those

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burdens that when you go through?

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a crisis situation, you have somebody

who actually not just supports you, but

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goes through it with you and wants you to

come through it as if they are with like

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they are going through it themselves.

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And that's the real key, so having,

thousands of Facebook friends

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doesn't really count as relationships

as much as having those 123

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really deep intimate connections.

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Megan J. McCrory: Silence.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: now can

relate to, which was COVID, right?

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We all of a sudden from being,

you know, whether you're an

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introvert or an extrovert, you had

a certain degree of, socializing.

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And if it's, in the office seeing people

or if it's going to networking events or

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going to restaurant with friends and that

just stopped completely and so some of

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us were lucky enough to have our families

around who either kept us sane or drove

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us crazy depending on who you ask right?

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but other people were alone and I

know that there is A little bit of

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a story for you, Kelly, with COVID.

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I'm not going to continue the question.

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I think you know where

I'm going with this.

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Kelly Brandli: Yeah, so I met my partner

Renee, right before the lockdown.

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And so we actually had had three

dates before we went into lockdown.

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And I have asthma.

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And so I was really scared about

having any kind of contact with the

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outside world in those early days.

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And so initially what I had said is,

well, we'll just do this lockdown thing

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and, you know, it'll be over in a few

weeks and then, um, we'll, we'll see

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each other again, and so we had made an

agreement that we wouldn't meet again.

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And so, you know, we went into

lockdown and the first week we, chatted

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back and forth on WhatsApp and then

I got really creative and I got.

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These things, these bands that

vibrated so we could like touch each

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other without seeing each other.

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Like you could touch it and it would

vibrate and we would, share t-shirts.

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Like I would put it in the post box and

he would come get it and leave me one

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of his T-shirts so we could smell each

other, like all this kind of stuff we

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did and then we realized this was never

gonna work . And so we had a really.

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early discussion of, well, why

don't we just move in together?

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And so our fourth date was literally

him coming with his son and his

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dog and moving into my house.

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And, uh, what was it then?

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Six weeks of together, 24, seven, we

figured it was make or break either.

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We were going to come out the

other side and say, thank you.

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I never want to see you again.

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Or if we've survived this, you

know, we can survive anything.

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And luckily it was the ladder and,

um, our story, if anyone, you know,

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wants to read the details is in Forbes.

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Forbes did a segment on COVID romances

and it was, uh, written up in there.

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So it was quite a, a COVID love story.

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Danna Levy Hoffmann: Wow.

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Megan J. McCrory: cool.

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But that takes a leap of

faith, a leap of faith.

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But if I remember correctly, before you

met Renee, you mentioned that you went

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on 96 dates before you found the one.

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Maybe you could elaborate on this,

because it sounded to me like 96,

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first of all, does she keep a notebook?

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And if so, I love her, because that's

data collection, like, and it was it like,

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Was it really like all in for 96 dates?

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Or were you like, let's go in this

date, test some theories, more

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scientific method, like, where was

your headspace with the dates?

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Kelly Brandli: it was

a combination of both.

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So after my marriage ended, I met

somebody very quickly and we ended up

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in a four year on and off relationship.

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After that relationship ended is

when I started You know, going on

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this journey of I need to date.

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I need to figure out what I want.

346

:

And so with that question

in mind, what do I want?

347

:

Who am I?

348

:

I started keeping a journal

and that's how it all started.

349

:

It started with no sort

of hidden agenda in it.

350

:

And then as I started going on and

I started seeing patterns and I

351

:

started studying dating so that I

could get better, then it became

352

:

I need to test some theories.

353

:

And, part of it, it's a funny story.

354

:

I think it's funny

being an ex head hunter.

355

:

I was used to doing interviews

like six, seven a day.

356

:

And so I dated in that way.

357

:

And so I would arrange like

six, seven dates on a Saturday,

358

:

like an hour, like tucked.

359

:

And I did it, for those of you in

Switzerland, I did it at, Bellevue

360

:

where there's, two bars and

they're connected by an underground.

361

:

And so I would meet one guy in one bar.

362

:

And at the end of the hour, I would

like go through the underground and

363

:

meet the next guy at the next bar.

364

:

And I did that all day.

365

:

And the people running the restaurant and

the bar, they knew that I was doing this.

366

:

They were always laughing.

367

:

It was like, Oh, your next date's here.

368

:

And so.

369

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: hilarious.

370

:

Kelly Brandli: It was very, very

much in the name of research.

371

:

Yeah.

372

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: I'm sure

those 96 guys love knowing that

373

:

they were part of a research.

374

:

Kelly Brandli: Rene almost walked out

of our first date because I refused

375

:

to tell him what I did for a living.

376

:

And so it was this big secret.

377

:

And then on our first date, when I did

tell him, he asked me the question, are

378

:

you here for, for business or pleasure?

379

:

And he had his keys in

his hand ready to run.

380

:

When I said it's bait and

switch, I'm here to date you, to

381

:

introduce you to somebody else.

382

:

So it almost cost me.

383

:

the best relationship of my life.

384

:

Megan J. McCrory: Wow.

385

:

Kelly Brandli: I think I was able

to convince him, just in, in the

386

:

nick of time that it was personal.

387

:

And, I think I put my hand, I talk

about physical touch in early dating.

388

:

I put my hand on his arm

at just the right moment.

389

:

And I think that did it for him.

390

:

And he said, I need to

explore this a bit further.

391

:

Megan J. McCrory: I could

totally see you turning your 96

392

:

dates into some kind of a book.

393

:

Please tell me you have

some book in mind for this.

394

:

Kelly Brandli: Well, that was my

original thought, but do you know how

395

:

many people have written that book?

396

:

So I have another book in mind, which

will of course include some of my most

397

:

interesting and funny dating stories.

398

:

I'd like to share much more of the

outcome, the learnings, the wisdom

399

:

that came from all those dates rather

than just the entertainment factor.

400

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: 96 guys, which sounds

like you probably could do in a couple

401

:

of weekends in the way that you did it.

402

:

Kelly Brandli: It actually took

me 18 months, but, uh, yeah.

403

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Wow.

404

:

Okay.

405

:

So 18 months, which is a

legitimately long time.

406

:

Did you realize, because you were talking

about the health impact that, you know,

407

:

losing your husband and losing your mom

in a very short amount of time affected

408

:

on you, did that, those 18 months ago,

like, how did that affect on your health,

409

:

your, psych, your just everything?

410

:

Silence.

411

:

Kelly Brandli: that had a lot of

anxiety built into it, which meant

412

:

my whole self worth was linked to

what happened on these dates, right?

413

:

So if I'd go on a date and

the guy didn't like me, then I

414

:

would be destroyed after that.

415

:

And it would take me a while to

then do the next date and going

416

:

through all the research and

learning about attachment style.

417

:

I realized why I suffered

so much after bad dates.

418

:

And what I then learned is how do I

shift that so I don't feel so attached

419

:

to the outcome, but I still am invested.

420

:

And in that process of going through

my own healing of my attachment,

421

:

I started to build up my own

self confidence and self worth.

422

:

And I got stronger and stronger.

423

:

And I was able to then go on a date.

424

:

And instead of saying, does he like me?

425

:

I was saying, do I even like him?

426

:

Megan J. McCrory: Silence.

427

:

Kelly Brandli: And that shifted and that's

where my health shifted dramatically

428

:

because I was no longer putting my

own worth and value on what some

429

:

random guy I was dating thought of me.

430

:

And that was massive.

431

:

And so that's the health piece that I

teach the clients that I work with to help

432

:

them do just that to really shift that so

that if they go on a date and it works out

433

:

or it doesn't work out, they still feel

great about themselves and they know that.

434

:

That wasn't the right person for

them, but he or she is out there

435

:

and they'll find them if they're

willing to keep, up with the process.

436

:

Silence.

437

:

Megan J. McCrory: I was dating that

I very much had that same kind of.

438

:

Thought process that if something went

wrong, it was my fault, or because of

439

:

something I did didn't, I didn't have

that view of did I like that person.

440

:

And I think partly it's

because I'm very easygoing.

441

:

I'm not very particular.

442

:

And I find some people who

are particular are very.

443

:

I think it's easier for them to say,

Oh no, that's not my style of person.

444

:

And maybe not attach themselves

to the outcome as much.

445

:

In your time now with working with

people, how does that play out between?

446

:

No.

447

:

Kelly Brandli: So no is the answer.

448

:

It's we think that there's more women that

feel that way, simply because more women

449

:

vocalize that because as women, we tend to

be much more comfortable in sharing those

450

:

feelings like I'm so sad after a date

where men don't You know, tend to just get

451

:

on with it, but what we know from science

and what I know from working with clients

452

:

about 50 percent of the people are what

we call securely attached and the other

453

:

50 percent have insecurities, and, you

know, happens as easily in men or women.

454

:

but we've sort of stereotyped this

and again, I blame Hollywood for so

455

:

much that's wrong in this world and

Hollywood has done a beautiful job of

456

:

making women, you know, that sort of.

457

:

Needy, going after the, the man type thing

and the man being the strong, call him

458

:

the island, you know, you can't reach me.

459

:

I'm emotionally unavailable,

but that's not the reality.

460

:

There's just as many men

and women in each group.

461

:

Megan J. McCrory: Silence.

462

:

Kelly Brandli: And, you know, that's

one of the things is for men who

463

:

are brave enough to sort of step

up and say, Hey, this is what I've

464

:

dealt with, to be able to help them

because this comes from our childhood.

465

:

Okay.

466

:

And we have no control over

the family we're born into.

467

:

And so if our parents weren't able to give

us the love and support we needed when

468

:

we needed it, we grow up with an insecure

attachment and that's just the reality.

469

:

And so there's no, difference between the

genders to say only women grow up in a

470

:

certain household and men don't, right.

471

:

they each have the same chance

of having that kind of childhood.

472

:

Megan J. McCrory: Yeah, but that

makes sense when you say that

473

:

women just verbalize it more.

474

:

men just keep it inside or don't verbalize

it as much to the world as women do.

475

:

But that's good.

476

:

I'm glad that you mentioned this because.

477

:

I, I always had that impression

and I'm sure you're right.

478

:

I'm sure that I had my rose

colored Hollywood glasses on.

479

:

Yeah.

480

:

So you primarily work

with divorced people.

481

:

Is that all you work with?

482

:

Or is that kind of where

you've specialized?

483

:

Is that where you want to stay?

484

:

Or can our single people who have never

been divorced give you a ring as well?

485

:

Kelly Brandli: So I work with men

and women who have been divorced, are

486

:

children, I say adult children of divorce.

487

:

I have been divorced.

488

:

Clients who say my parents

should have been divorced.

489

:

Does that count?

490

:

Can I work with you?

491

:

Absolutely.

492

:

Yes And I also work with a lot of people

who I say, you know We're married to

493

:

their careers and they need to get

divorced first before they're going to

494

:

find love So it pretty much includes

everybody in some way shape or form

495

:

because yeah, I mean that's sort of the

world that that we live in nowadays And

496

:

so whether they're long term singles

for whatever reason You or they've been

497

:

through a divorce or a breakup of a

relationship where they weren't married.

498

:

I can certainly help them.

499

:

Megan J. McCrory: after you've

been divorced different than

500

:

before you've been divorced?

501

:

Because Donna and I, neither

one of us have been divorced.

502

:

So we're not, we don't have

any real world experience here.

503

:

So maybe you could fill us in.

504

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Get us,

get us ready for when we finally

505

:

divorce our horrible men.

506

:

Kelly Brandli: that is not

going to happen because you both

507

:

have the best men in the world.

508

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: That's true.

509

:

Kelly Brandli: And so they should listen

to this and make sure they stay that way.

510

:

so what's the difference?

511

:

So when we're young and we're dating,

right, we've got our Hollywood glasses on.

512

:

And, you know, we're going out

and we're looking for this,

513

:

this Hollywood dream, right?

514

:

we're naive to think that everything

happens like in Hollywood.

515

:

And so we don't have this realistic touch

that you do later in life when you've had

516

:

a relationship that you thought was the

one, or you've been through a divorce.

517

:

And so the big difference, and that was

what I learned through my process, is

518

:

that you need to work through those past

relationships and let them go first.

519

:

Because if you don't, you

can't build A new relationship

520

:

with a foundation of trust.

521

:

And that's the big difference.

522

:

So, so many people after, I'll say

divorce, but I'm encompassing all

523

:

of that, say, I can't trust anybody.

524

:

I can't be intimate because

I don't want them to see the

525

:

parts I don't like about myself.

526

:

And so, without working through

the past, They just keep bringing

527

:

that into the new relationship.

528

:

And that's what I did over and over

again until I figured it out is,

529

:

you know, Oh, but my ex did this.

530

:

And, the person says, but I'm not your ex.

531

:

But you say, yeah, but I'm scared.

532

:

Well, it's like, okay, that's

your stuff to deal with.

533

:

You know, and that's the big

difference that people miss.

534

:

And so a lot of people after a breakup

or divorce, they go out and look

535

:

at, okay, how do I use dating apps?

536

:

And what should I wear?

537

:

And where should we go?

538

:

And those are all great things, but

there's so much later in the process.

539

:

You first need to, to work on letting go.

540

:

And then you got to get healthy,

which is, I say you need to become

541

:

the one before you find the one.

542

:

Because to have a healthy relationship,

you want to meet at eye level.

543

:

You don't want somebody to save you

from a life that you think is miserable.

544

:

You want them to come in and you want to

both complement each other's great lives.

545

:

And so you first need to do that.

546

:

And then once those two areas are covered,

then you can talk about all the dating

547

:

strategies and which app and what your

profile looks like and all that stuff.

548

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Right.

549

:

It's so interesting that you bring this

up, because we often talk about this

550

:

at home, my boys always want to hear

about how we met and things like that.

551

:

And my husband and I could

have potentially had our lives

552

:

crossed a few years earlier.

553

:

And every time we bring that up and

I think back to me at that age when I

554

:

could have, should have, you know, like

met him, I go like, no, no, no, no, no.

555

:

I wasn't ready.

556

:

I wasn't ready for you.

557

:

I had to go through all of

these other relationships.

558

:

And I was just telling Megan, those

relationships lasted maybe two weeks,

559

:

maybe two months, but that was about it.

560

:

but I had to go through it.

561

:

I had to go through it in order to

discover myself better, to understand

562

:

myself better and what I'm actually

looking for and, and who I actually

563

:

am, let alone the fact that after

I met my husband and until today,

564

:

we both grew, you know, together,

but we both grew as humans as well.

565

:

So, it's really interesting to think

about it in that way, where, when you

566

:

can't find love, when you're struggling,

What is going on within yourself?

567

:

what are you stuck on and what are

you kind of, expecting, I guess, from

568

:

yourself or from, from this mysterious

partner that you haven't really kind

569

:

of developed within yourself yet.

570

:

I always say that everything

happens for a reason.

571

:

And so, you know, all of those

heartbreaks that I had, all of those

572

:

random relationships that I had.

573

:

whatever it is that I went through

before actually meeting my husband,

574

:

which I was lucky enough to meet

pretty young, they had a reason.

575

:

And the reason that I did not

meet him until that moment was

576

:

because I was plain not ready.

577

:

I would have broken that relationship.

578

:

Oh my God, I would have burnt it

to the ground, you know, if it was

579

:

just like a year earlier, even.

580

:

So I, I love that you,

that you bring that up.

581

:

And yeah, I think that was my,

there was no question there.

582

:

Kelly Brandli: No, but I, I think you've

touched on a really important point, which

583

:

is, life, the world, universe, whatever

God gives us the lessons we need to

584

:

learn over and over until we learn them.

585

:

And I remember after my third

relationship ended, I was sitting in bed.

586

:

It was like one or two in the morning

and I remember just crying like tears

587

:

just like pouring down my face because

I was like, why can't I figure this out?

588

:

What's wrong with me?

589

:

You know?

590

:

And so I turned to Google as

we do in this day and age.

591

:

And I said, why am I single again?

592

:

And unfortunately, which is

exactly what I needed in that

593

:

moment, but it was pretty blunt.

594

:

It said, if you're single

again, the problem's you,

595

:

it's not the people out there.

596

:

And that was for me, that wake up

call that I needed to say, Oh, maybe

597

:

I should look at me, you know, instead

of blaming all the men I was dating

598

:

saying, you know, they're this, or

they're not this, what am I doing?

599

:

What, what am I bringing to the table?

600

:

And that for me was a real

mind shift that, That changes.

601

:

Okay.

602

:

There's a lesson that I

haven't been able to learn yet.

603

:

and I need to learn that first before I'm

going to be ready for that relationship.

604

:

Okay.

605

:

Megan J. McCrory: more than a

couple months, but after that,

606

:

I didn't really have any kind of

really long relationships until I

607

:

met my husband here in Switzerland.

608

:

So maybe, maybe 10 years where there

was kind of just on and off again,

609

:

relationships and just kind of living

my life But I also feel that even if I,

610

:

even though that I haven't been divorced,

I think that the act of growing up.

611

:

Also helps with this because if you get

married at a young age before you actually

612

:

know yourself, which I know old people

say that and young people are like,

613

:

I know myself, but you don't very few

young people actually know themselves.

614

:

And when they do, they're, they're

miles ahead of their, counterparts.

615

:

But I feel like having that time and also

kind of accepting, And I don't want to

616

:

say lowered expectations because it sounds

like I don't expect a lot from life.

617

:

I literally said, I am happy with myself.

618

:

Therefore, if I get married, that's great.

619

:

If I have kids, fine.

620

:

But it was never like I

needed to get married.

621

:

I never needed to have kids.

622

:

And I feel like that makes a big

distinction because for some people

623

:

who want to have a family, this

kind of puts this pressure to find

624

:

someone maybe before they're ready in

order to start that family process.

625

:

And I feel like that's just,

such a crime for humanity.

626

:

To not be able to have children whenever

we want to biologically to fit with

627

:

our, where we are with ourselves.

628

:

You know what I mean?

629

:

And I feel like from my point of view,

it was such a blessing that I said,

630

:

well, I don't really, I'm not sure

if I really ever want to have kids.

631

:

So therefore I don't necessarily need

to ever get married to one person.

632

:

And therefore I'm happy by myself.

633

:

And when I found him.

634

:

Great.

635

:

He also didn't want to have kids.

636

:

Perfect.

637

:

Okay.

638

:

You know what I mean?

639

:

But I had a little bit of a leg

up because I'd never had that

640

:

pressure that some people have.

641

:

And rightfully so.

642

:

I mean, if you want a family,

you have to take that stuff

643

:

into consideration as a female.

644

:

just because we're living longer,

it doesn't mean our eggs are

645

:

lasting very much longer, you know?

646

:

Kelly Brandli: Yeah, and and men too.

647

:

I mean, I don't want to

exclude men from this.

648

:

There's men who really want to have

children and they realize I don't

649

:

want to be a father in my 50s.

650

:

I want to be a father in

my 30s or my early 40s.

651

:

And so they also feel the time pressure

which we as society don't recognize often.

652

:

But I just want to say thank you for

your explanation there because you

653

:

have perfectly described a secure

person, somebody who knows that

654

:

love is available and will always

be there when you're ready for it.

655

:

So if a relationship doesn't work, it

doesn't, destroy your self worth and you

656

:

think, oh, I'm not lovable and things.

657

:

And so when you're secure, you can

have relationships and they come

658

:

and go and you're still great and

you still have this wonderful life.

659

:

And for the people haven't.

660

:

And they can't develop

that is secure attachment.

661

:

That's where they struggle

with relationships.

662

:

And that's where I can really help people

to work through that is, to help them

663

:

become that secure so that you know,

a relationship ending is always sad.

664

:

But there's a difference

between, you grieve it.

665

:

you move on with your life versus people

who spend years, sometimes decades.

666

:

stuck because that relationship

ended, I've worked with numerous

667

:

clients who are two, three decades

on from a divorce, and they're

668

:

still stuck in that grief and pain.

669

:

They can't get themselves out.

670

:

Megan J. McCrory: Yeah, I took that

emotional baggage quiz on your website

671

:

today just to test it out, even though I,

I've been with my husband for 11 years But

672

:

yes, do I, every once in a while, look up

some of my exes on Facebook or LinkedIn?

673

:

Of course, but primarily from the aspect

of, I really hope they're doing well.

674

:

Like I felt like I, all of my

relationships that I've had in

675

:

the past have ended in a good way.

676

:

I, I've, I never had a

relationship that ended horribly.

677

:

Uh, and I feel like it's more of a, Like

a touch into their life once a year.

678

:

How's everything going?

679

:

Oh, they have kids.

680

:

Oh, look at this.

681

:

Oh, you know, that's great.

682

:

but I did your emotional baggage quiz

and I think I came out with a medium

683

:

with 20 percent emotional baggage

and I'm like, Oh, maybe I think about

684

:

them more than I thought I did, but

685

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Wait, so Kelly,

explain to our viewers, our viewers,

686

:

our listeners, what that quiz is, what,

what kind of questions are on there,

687

:

and what's the point, like, what's

the, what is the result giving us?

688

:

Kelly Brandli: So for people,

generally people who do this quiz

689

:

are single, so I don't have a lot of

data from for married people doing

690

:

that quiz, but it relates to this.

691

:

What do you need to let go of to

be ready for a new relationship?

692

:

And so for most people, this is really

eyeopening because It shows to them where

693

:

they are emotionally, how much emotional

baggage they're carrying within that

694

:

they'll bring into a new relationship.

695

:

I think of it as the difference

between, you know, check baggage

696

:

and carry on baggage at the airport.

697

:

do you have this really small carry

on where you sort of whiz through and

698

:

you, and you do it, or are you that

sort of, mother of five with, you know,

699

:

a bag on each shoulder and two carry

ons and a child and, and you're just

700

:

like, So weighted down that everyone

just kind of gets out of the way.

701

:

And so this baggage quiz is just sort of a

really simple 10 questions to help people

702

:

see how much baggage are you carrying?

703

:

And is that something you should look at?

704

:

You know, at the first stage of, of

being ready for a new relationship,

705

:

what do you need to let go of?

706

:

And so this is often very eye opening

for people who go, Oh, wait a second.

707

:

I thought I was over that and

now I see maybe I'm not quite

708

:

as far along as I thought I was.

709

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann:

That's super interesting.

710

:

So what's the next step

after taking that quiz?

711

:

Kelly Brandli: so basically you'll get a

result that shows where your baggage is.

712

:

There's some tips, of how you can

overcome that or certainly after that,

713

:

if somebody's interested in having a

call with me, we can jump on a call.

714

:

I can help them, interpret that

and then also see what else may be

715

:

standing in their way of finding love.

716

:

We can look at their attachment style

and how that could be impacting them.

717

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Amazing.

718

:

Megan J. McCrory: I don't know if

you guys watch RuPaul's Drag Race.

719

:

Do you guys watch RuPaul's Drag

720

:

Kelly Brandli: No, sorry.

721

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: No.

722

:

Megan J. McCrory: Okay, because at

the end of every single episode of

723

:

whatever RuPaul's in, he always says,

if you can't love yourself, how the

724

:

hell are you gonna love anybody else?

725

:

I mean, it's just, every single time,

you know, like, Yeah, that's right.

726

:

You know, I mean, I feel like that's the

basis of what you've been talking about,

727

:

Kelly, is that if you can't really take

the time and learn to love yourself and

728

:

let that stuff go and really focus on

who you are and what you need, right?

729

:

What do you need out of a relationship and

what can you bring to a relationship and

730

:

not what somebody else is going to bring?

731

:

it's that understanding yourself

better and that goes back to all

732

:

the health coaching stuff is.

733

:

Any, in any aspect of your life.

734

:

It's all about knowing yourself better.

735

:

And as soon as you begin to just take

the time, step back, grant yourself the

736

:

time to learn what you want, who you

are, what you like, what you don't like.

737

:

How your body reacts to different

situations, how your mind plays out

738

:

things or doesn't play out thing.

739

:

I mean, all of this stuff is, is health

related in, in the, what Donna and I

740

:

have talked about before on the podcast.

741

:

It's like, as soon as you know it, then

you can do something about it, whether

742

:

or not, you know, but the point is,

if you don't know, if you don't take

743

:

that time, then you're, you're going

to Tanzania without a fucking map

744

:

and you're never going to get there.

745

:

Kelly Brandli: You're absolutely right.

746

:

And people often say to me, Oh,

I hear all this self love stuff.

747

:

I don't know what this means.

748

:

And, and I always say, well, if you don't

already own it, you can't give it away.

749

:

So you better figure it out.

750

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Yeah.

751

:

Yeah.

752

:

And, and one thing that completely

like echoes in my head that actually

753

:

one of my clients told me, was,

not everyone is going to love you.

754

:

You're not pizza.

755

:

Right?

756

:

Kelly Brandli: good point.

757

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Right?

758

:

And I'm like, and, and even pizza,

not every single person loves.

759

:

So it's, it's such a good kind of

catchphrase of just understanding, like,

760

:

even if you're very ready and you're very,

you know, you have that, you know, self

761

:

awareness for yourself and self love.

762

:

It doesn't mean that now everyone's going

to fall to your feet, like, because not

763

:

everyone is a perfect match for you.

764

:

And oftentimes, and Kelly, I'm sure

you have plenty to say about this,

765

:

sometimes when someone is being an

asshole, to put it lightly, Right?

766

:

At a date or at, in the

office or whatever it is.

767

:

It's usually a reflection of what they

feel about themselves or it's like,

768

:

you know, it's just the bitterness

that they have within them rather

769

:

than what they feel towards you.

770

:

And so taking that step

back and going like this had

771

:

nothing to do with me, right?

772

:

Even if it's someone bumping into you

in the street and then like muttering

773

:

something, you weren't a target.

774

:

You were just In the way,

775

:

Kelly Brandli: Absolutely.

776

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: nothing,

nothing to do with you.

777

:

So do you have clients who are in fact

ready and are in fact in that state

778

:

where they do have the self love that

they need in order to be open to a new

779

:

relationship and they come back to you

crushed after they've had all these

780

:

revelations with you and they went on a

date and they come back crushed and like

781

:

this didn't work and this is terrible.

782

:

Kelly Brandli: Yes, and that's their

attachment style coming up again.

783

:

And so we work through it and

then they, they get it all

784

:

on, on a theoretical level.

785

:

They're like, yeah, this

is definitely changed.

786

:

I've implemented this with my boss.

787

:

With my mother, everything's great.

788

:

They go out on a date and

they say, now it doesn't work.

789

:

Um, and it's, it's a whole nother level.

790

:

And so that's just part of the process

of we get the lesson over and over

791

:

again, until we really learn it.

792

:

And attachment is something that you

can always come back to and revisit.

793

:

What do I believe about myself?

794

:

Do I think I'm not good enough?

795

:

And I go on a date and he or she

confirms to me, I'm not good enough.

796

:

Well.

797

:

That's it.

798

:

And one of my key things that I

talk about is the three C's of

799

:

dating and relationships, which

is compatibility, connection,

800

:

and chemistry, but in that order.

801

:

And so people often think

it's the spark, right?

802

:

Well, you can just F the spark,

like really, it's compatibility.

803

:

And compatibility, like Megan

said, it's, it's about a map.

804

:

And when we go out dating, we've

got our map of the world and we

805

:

want to find somebody who has a

similar map to ours, because when

806

:

we live our life, according to the

same map, things become easy, right?

807

:

When one person says, go left.

808

:

The other person looks at their map

and goes, yeah, we go left here.

809

:

But when we meet somebody, they may

be a great person, but they've got a

810

:

totally different map of the world.

811

:

Right?

812

:

No matter how much we try to make those

maps align, they're never going to align.

813

:

And that's part of compatibility.

814

:

And when people don't understand,

you're looking for compatibility

815

:

first, they put their self worth in the

middle and say, I'm not good enough.

816

:

But actually, your maps just don't align.

817

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Um,

818

:

Megan J. McCrory: halfway to

the really good place because

819

:

they've identified what they need.

820

:

You know, what is their map?

821

:

What does their life look like?

822

:

And yeah, if I meet somebody and in a

couple of dates, I realized that that

823

:

doesn't line up, why would you continue

going along this when it's just going

824

:

to end in heartbreak, but yet somehow.

825

:

We stigmatize this person as

not just letting romance happen

826

:

and they're too controlling

and stuff and it's like Really?

827

:

No, I mean, actually

they're probably right on.

828

:

But we're watching how

I met your mother again.

829

:

And we just passed the episode where,

He goes to a matchmaker and she can't

830

:

find a match for him and she's like

gonna throw her whole business out

831

:

the window because there's science

behind this and there's this one

832

:

person you don't have any matches.

833

:

It was hilarious.

834

:

But in the end, he's like, No, I

have faith that I will find someone.

835

:

But the science and understanding

the mechanisms behind it, like,

836

:

I've never heard of this kind

of attachment thing before.

837

:

And it makes, So much sense when you say

it out loud, but again, this is stuff.

838

:

We don't teach our kids.

839

:

We don't teach young people that this is,

that this is the way, you know, because

840

:

think about it when you're dating and

you're teenage and 20 early twenties.

841

:

I mean, that's really damaging

during that time period.

842

:

When you have that huge, they

don't have any representation.

843

:

They didn't see, you know, you

844

:

Kelly Brandli: at that age, you're

looking for the prom date, and that's

845

:

a really dangerous place to be, right?

846

:

You want to date the hottest person

in school to go to the prom, right?

847

:

Like, you're not looking,

is this person married?

848

:

material, where they, you

know, be a good partner.

849

:

Will they be a good mother or

father and what are our core values?

850

:

And do we share values?

851

:

And that's not what you're looking

for at that age, but later in life,

852

:

that becomes so much more important

to how you create that list.

853

:

It's not about how tall they

are, you know, what kind of job

854

:

they have, what kind of car it's.

855

:

Do we share the same value when

it comes to having children?

856

:

So when we're young, our list is

so much about how did they look?

857

:

How much status do they have at school?

858

:

And what job do they have or

what are they going to get?

859

:

We date a lot on potential versus reality.

860

:

And later in life, these things

become much more important to us.

861

:

Our values, that's who we are.

862

:

And so we want to have somebody who

shares those values, who has the same map.

863

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: You

864

:

Kelly Brandli: or do we invest in

education or experiences and travel?

865

:

So those are the kind of values that

should be on your list rather than, you

866

:

know, height and weight and how long their

hair is and what color it is and all those

867

:

things, because those things don't matter

in relationships at the end of the day.

868

:

It's the values that science shows is what

creates healthy long term relationships.

869

:

Megan J. McCrory: Beautiful.

870

:

Okay.

871

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: apparently.

872

:

I need all of them.

873

:

No, I don't need all of them.

874

:

But like, I'm very like, I, I, you know, I

need my husband, like, I tell my family, I

875

:

love them probably a trillion times a day.

876

:

It's like disgusting.

877

:

I will grab everyone for

a hug, like all the time.

878

:

Whenever I pass someone, I like touch

them or hug them or touch their hair.

879

:

Like I'm, I'm very much a physical

person, but I'm also like, Do the freaking

880

:

dishes to show me that you love me.

881

:

Don't just tell me that you love me.

882

:

Right?

883

:

So I'm like, I'm driving

them crazy basically.

884

:

But what I notice about other couples

and and like clients who come up to

885

:

me and they start talking about their

partner and how this was annoying or

886

:

that was annoying and I bring it up.

887

:

I think that it's it's a huge part.

888

:

of understanding the relationship that

you could be in, potentially, but also

889

:

the relationship that you are in, and

how you can understand each other better,

890

:

because it could be that the compatibility

is there, but the communication, I guess,

891

:

is kind of blurred, because when your

partner is doing the dishes because

892

:

that's their way of showing you love,

but you don't see it as that, and you're

893

:

sitting there expecting them to bring

flowers or I don't know what, right?

894

:

Then, then there is this

kind of interruption in

895

:

communication that is not verbal.

896

:

Megan J. McCrory: Mm hmm.

897

:

Kelly Brandli: I could

talk about this for hours.

898

:

I love the love languages and it

sounds like you're, you're very fluent

899

:

in many languages, which is super.

900

:

And that's probably

part of the success of.

901

:

Your marriage and your family is that

you can speak other people's main

902

:

love language and however, they're

communicating their main love language.

903

:

You can receive, where the love

languages really help people is if

904

:

you've got one dominant love language,

and that's the only way you can

905

:

actually receive love you might miss.

906

:

the other thing.

907

:

So if you're a person who needs

to have that constant, I love

908

:

you, I love you, I love you.

909

:

And your partner is the person who

shows love through acts of service.

910

:

And, you know, they don't say I love you

all the time, but you know, they vacuum

911

:

the floor, they do the dishes, they wash

your car, they put gas in your tank.

912

:

They're telling you all the

time how much they love you.

913

:

But you can't receive it.

914

:

And, you know, that's

one of the challenges.

915

:

There's, there's a joke about a couple

who have been together for 50 years

916

:

and they go to, to the, divorce court

to get a divorce and the judge says,

917

:

well, what's the reason for the divorce?

918

:

And the woman says, she, he

never tells me that he loves me.

919

:

And he says to her, I told you the

day we got married, I loved you.

920

:

If it had changed, you would

have been the first to know.

921

:

And it was that sort of.

922

:

It confirms, right?

923

:

She needed to hear it.

924

:

He didn't think he needed to say

it, but he probably did so many

925

:

other things that she never realized

were his expression of love.

926

:

And

927

:

Megan J. McCrory: love language

all the time in our household.

928

:

First of all, my husband loves

taking any kind of quizzes.

929

:

So whenever there's a quiz,

I'm like, here, take this quiz.

930

:

See what you are.

931

:

We just did our chronotype.

932

:

You know, we're both bears,

which means, which is good.

933

:

Cause we're very compatible

in terms of daily routines.

934

:

So we did the Love Languages years ago,

and it was, it had a very good effect on

935

:

our relationship, and most of the time

now, at least once a week, we talk about

936

:

Love Languages, and most of the time is

me sitting on the couch and going, Will

937

:

you go get me a glass of water, please?

938

:

My lovely ex of service.

939

:

And it's like, yep, okay, yeah,

and then every once in a while

940

:

he'll want to cuddle, and I'm

just like, I don't want to cuddle.

941

:

He's like, but, I need to cuddle

like, you know, like, and to be able

942

:

to reference the life languages is a

really good kind of, I don't want to

943

:

use the word crutch, but it's like a,

like a, like a platform or someplace

944

:

where we can both have the common

language of what do we need right now?

945

:

And, I'm not a big presence person,

but, uh, and my love language

946

:

gifts were high on my list.

947

:

And I think when I tried to explain

to my husband, like, no, I don't need

948

:

you to bring me flowers every day.

949

:

I think.

950

:

And the way I translated this to my own,

my, for my own self was by you buying a

951

:

gift meant that you were thinking about

me at some point in the day today, or you

952

:

have taken the time and energy to do that.

953

:

And therefore, that is the

love, not the actual thing.

954

:

Thing that I am getting from it, right?

955

:

It's, it's really the, you have thought

about me at some other point in time, or

956

:

you have arranged something in a way that,

you know, and when I explained it to him

957

:

this way, he's like, oh, okay, well that

makes more sense than I just need to have,

958

:

you know, chocolates and flowers every

day, as a gift, as a gift, love language.

959

:

But, um, definitely I

love, love languages.

960

:

I talk about them constantly with like

couples and, uh, it's even without

961

:

couples, like you said, it's, uh,

962

:

Kelly Brandli: Um, You

963

:

Megan J. McCrory: came unstable.

964

:

It says unstable.

965

:

Yeah.

966

:

So, so this kind of dichotomy

with my parents relationship,

967

:

I could see very clearly.

968

:

And again, after I learned about

love languages, then it was like,

969

:

Oh, that's the reason why they had

this misunderstanding or the rub.

970

:

And that's A lot of times you can

see that that's the rub in people's

971

:

relationships is that they haven't

understood their love language yet.

972

:

And they just don't think the

other person is showing them the

973

:

love in the way that they need it.

974

:

Kelly Brandli: Yeah, and I, I love the way

you say to use the language to give this

975

:

understanding because that's so important.

976

:

One of the principles I teach is set

the other person up for success, right?

977

:

Don't try and catch your partner

like in a trap and make them

978

:

fail, but help them succeed.

979

:

And using the love language

is a great way to do that.

980

:

When you have that common language to

say, it means a lot to me to get a gift.

981

:

But it could be a post it note, you know,

with, I'm thinking of you and a heart.

982

:

That could be the gift that says,

Hey, he or she thought of me today.

983

:

It doesn't need to be

something super expensive.

984

:

And if you love flowers, tell your partner

what kind of flowers so that when they

985

:

give them to you, you have excitement

about them rather than going, but

986

:

those aren't the ones I really wanted,

you know, set them up for success.

987

:

And by using the love

languages and communicating.

988

:

you know, what you need when you need it.

989

:

You do that for your partner

and that's a huge gift.

990

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: do you mind

if we give our listeners a freebie

991

:

of the questionnaire that you guys

were talking about, that Megan took?

992

:

Kelly Brandli: Absolutely.

993

:

Yeah.

994

:

I can give you the link and you can

share that and everyone's welcome to go

995

:

through that and see how much emotional

baggage they may or may not have.

996

:

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Awesome.

997

:

Thank you so much, Kelly.

998

:

Megan J. McCrory: Thank you.

999

:

If you're still hanging around,

here's some stuff we couldn't fit

:

00:57:07,511 --> 00:57:08,861

in, but we thought it was funny.

:

00:57:09,281 --> 00:57:10,391

Outtakes.

:

00:57:11,091 --> 00:57:16,091

I could totally be a motorcycle

person because I, I have, I

:

00:57:16,091 --> 00:57:18,061

was in the moped army in the U.

:

00:57:18,061 --> 00:57:18,521

S.

:

00:57:18,621 --> 00:57:22,701

We did, yes, I had a Puch, which

is actually a German model.

:

00:57:22,701 --> 00:57:27,841

And, uh, yeah, no, we had this, uh,

totally cool little clique of people

:

00:57:27,841 --> 00:57:32,961

who had mopeds and we would ride our

mopeds around and sound, um, uh, like a

:

00:57:32,991 --> 00:57:36,361

big, like swarm of mosquitoes going by.

:

00:57:36,391 --> 00:57:37,261

Danna Levy Hoffmann: Oh,

I would have killed you.

:

00:57:37,291 --> 00:57:41,231

Oh, I would have, I would have probably

punctured your wheels every single night.

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