Do you get grippy, anxious, or self-critical when life doesn’t go the way you planned? In this Secret Sangha episode, I explore the paradox and dark side of control—sparked by what happened at a private dinner after my Tell the Truth Salon event with Dan Siegel. Drawing on Dan’s ABC motivational systems (agency, belonging, certainty), we unpack how control spirals show up as rumination, self-blame, people-pleasing, or criticism. I also share how one question at dinner revealed that many pivotal moments in our lives come when control is ripped away.

Listen and learn:

• The ABC systems behind your control habits: agency, belonging, and certainty
• Common “dark side” control strategies (inner focus, outer focus, and push-pull)
• What’s not up to you (others’ actions, happiness, thoughts/feelings, outcomes) and what is (your actions and response)
• The Wise Effort method: get curious, sort what you can/can’t control, and focus your energy

If this episode helps, share it with someone who’s stuck in a control loop.

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Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.