Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

Tina discusses the discovery of her mother's hidden pills and the impact of addiction on her family. She reflects on the enabling behavior and the secrets they kept protecting her mother. Tina shares her struggle to come to terms with her mother's addiction and the emotions it brings up. Robb shares his perspective on addiction and the importance of acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of loved ones who have passed away. They discuss addictive personalities and the challenges of overcoming addiction. In this conversation, Tina and Robb discuss the impact of addiction on their lives and the memories they have of their loved ones who struggled with addiction. They reflect on the different versions of their mothers before and after addiction, and the challenges they faced in dealing with their mothers' illnesses. They also discuss the importance of remembering the good times and not letting the negative aspects define their memories. The conversation ends with a discussion about living life to the fullest and making the most of the time they have.

Explicit

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This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob, along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

It's warm, Rob, it's warm.

It is, it is very warm. The summer switch has been turned on, that is no joke.

Yeah, I wonder if it's gonna stay this way now.

I have a feeling. I mean, I don't know. The weather says otherwise, but it says Sunday's supposed to be nice. So I think we're gonna stay somewhere in the early 80s for quite a while. I mean, it's better than, it was warm at my work today. It was really warm at my work today. I was like, I've been walking around the building like three times a day. I'm like.

Okay, it's gonna be a warm one.

Okay, we could do that.

Yeah.

I'm really doing really good. I'm averaging like five miles a day walking. Yes, I'm doing like 30 miles a week. It's like crazy. Yeah, yeah. And I'm dropping weight and all kinds of good stuff. So it's fun, but it's hot. So yeah, let's.

Nice.

Good for you.

It is. You made me turn off the air just a couple of minutes ago and it's going to get real uncomfortable here. It's loud.

It was just loud in there, so we'll go through it. Hey, so like always, we don't know what we're gonna talk about until the day of, and this was kind of like a thrown together one. I just texted you and like, hey, when are you gonna record? Because I assumed we were gonna do it on the weekend and you're like, no, tonight. I'm like, all right, cool. So I'm just gonna throw it to you because you have something to talk about.

I do. Where do I start? I always have something to talk about because I think that what I do is I draw from what is going on with me and whatever is current or on my mind seems to, for the most part, come out in the show. So and something's kind of been heavy on my heart. And I know we've talked about it before, but I'm kind of feeling a little update. So anyway, here goes.

we are doing some major construction in my father's house and it involved a complete demolition of the kitchen and as and a friend of mine is doing it and as we were doing it the the hood had to come down the one that goes over the exhaust hood that goes over the stove and he was finagling with it trying to pull it down.

off the ceiling. And when he did, it started raining, pills on him. And they were, I saw them and I instantly went, mom, fuck. Like my mom, if anybody knew her, she used to smoke her cigarettes over the stove and she used to lean on the counter over the stove. We had many conversations over the stove so that she could do that. That was like her perch that I used to call it her perch. That's where she'd sit up and.

If we had a conversation, we'd normally pull a chair around and sit with her and have a conversation. But.

Seeing all those pills in that vent, it wasn't even a vent. I don't even know, we were kind of like looking like, how did she get those pills in there and how were they accessible enough that she could get to them? Right. I, I was like, that is next level addiction. You know, I, I've, we were, I'm a really good enabler.

I've always been a great enabler. Like I'll let you believe your story if that's what you want to do. And you know, whatever. So we were always good at hiding mom's secrets and there was a lot of secrets and, and it was, we were so good at it that my cousin used to call me, leave it to beaver. Like, your life is so perfect. And you always act like you're so happy. You know, like I was the beef apparently. And after kicking her ass a couple of times, she quit calling me that, but

Right?

Like I, I know from being such a good enabler that like we hit a lot of my mom's dark secrets or her, her hard times or the times where she was really going through it. And to the point where I think oftentimes we believe that she was okay, you know, or like not that bad or, you know, it was okay because it was her prescription drugs or she had another ailment or another surgery or another whatever.

Mm -hmm.

And we allowed so much to go on in our lives. And I was having these epiphanies as he's showing me, Tina, what do I do with this? Like he was embarrassed to come and tell me, are you kidding me? You're embarrassed to tell me like, but I get it. So he looked at me and he's like,

I don't know what to do. Like, could you imagine a grown man looking at a woman and saying, I don't know what to do as in like, like he, he didn't know what to say. He was, I think he was kind of shocked. I'm, I'm sure in all of his years of doing what he did, he's never seen anything like that. Cause that was a new one on me. I thought I knew all my mom was like hiding places in all of her secrets and things. And I just looked at him and I said, well, I told you that at the end of my mom's life, she had a bad addiction.

to painkillers, I said, here's your proof of how bad it was. And I turned around and walked away because I didn't know what to say. And man, my initial instinct was to want to hide this, but she's not here. She doesn't need to have any more secrets. Like maybe I need to start talking about this because I need to fix me. And I also need to have a realistic relationship with somebody.

Right.

that I loved, which is my mom. And realistically, this shit was going on. And a lot of people in my family would hate me for putting this in a public forum, but I don't know, I'm feeling like I know so much I need to start talking, but I'm also feeling like heartbroken inside. Like once again, she, another secret, another thing she got over on us, another way she could cheat the game of life, you know, it was.

It's been it's been on my mind consistently since I was shown that and The first instinct I like I said was to hide it I'm like you can't hide that like it literally like ran over his body like as they were coming down off the Good off the top of the hood. It wasn't even it was inside the workings of the hood

Mm -hmm. I'm sure she found a way because, well, most addicts do.

Well, she, of course she did. We had our proof, but fuck. I, wow. I don't know what to say even, you know, she's been gone 13 years, like at some point. And I worked really hard at healing to the counseling, like was really honest with myself, had honest conversations with my brother and my father who were the only other two people that really, really knew what was going on. You know, we're all.

On the same page, we all believe the same thing. We've all experienced what I've personally talked about. So nobody's lying about this. But I still, I didn't believe it was that bad.

Yeah, I think it's wild when you find out things so many years later. Because before we got on, I hadn't realized your mom had passed away so long ago. So, when something like this happens, it's like reliving the addiction.

Yeah.

Yes, that's exactly what it feels like. Exactly.

Yeah. And I think for in your case, it's kind of a two way street for you, right? Okay. So now you're reliving the addiction part and you're reliving mom passing away again. And then you're reliving the good things again. So you're, it's like all these things that are popping up that are now all one big thing.

But I do agree with you that, you know, cause we were talking before we got on and like how we could do this. And now that I'm thinking about it, I titled it as we were going and it is reliving addiction. And I think you're, now you're going through it again. And now what do you do? You have to put things in perspective again. I think the person that found them is a good friend of yours. So now there's.

Mm -hmm.

having to retell that story if that's...

Yeah, that was embarrassing to have to, I just looked them in the face and I just had to be like, I don't know. I looked away, I had to be honest and I said, well, I told you that I had a mom who like, I said, yeah, I didn't know what to say. And he's like, well, what do I do? I'm like, I wouldn't take them. They're at least 13 years old.

Make sure you throw them away. But they were like in grime, kitchen grime from from the hood of the stove. That's that's oil and grease and and years of it like, the house was built in the 50s. So like, you know, just an ill.

Yeah, they wouldn't work.

Mm -hmm.

how ugly addiction is when I saw the pills it not because not all the pills were in the grease because a lot of them fell out. But when I saw the ones in the grease that that vision of that, it really stuck in my head. And I was like, that's how ugly her addiction was.

Yeah, I mean, just think that you didn't know. So how long had she been, you know, hiding those there where you might have thought she was doing better and she had everything on you, you know? So I think that's kind of the part you have to look back on too, is you go, okay, man, we really thought we had something under control or at least at bay and

Mm -hmm.

We didn't. And I think that's the hard part about addiction is that how far someone will go to hide it. We talked about it before and I think I said something about, we had a guy that I worked with a long time ago, 20 something years ago. He was a functioning alcoholic. He would come to work and walk out and he had a bottle or a flask and he would go and take a sip and he'd do it.

Mm -hmm.

once an hour and just so he could function. And you know, you look at something like that and you just go, like there is a line you can cross or for people who get into a certain situation and then their life changes, right? So how that can affect someone else, you know, being with somebody like that.

Mm -hmm.

on either side, either an alcoholic or a drug addict, you find yourself leaning towards in more what they do. I mean, a lot of addicts get together, so that is one thing in itself anyway, but I think you find someone who's like, let's say someone's an alcoholic and yeah, you party a little bit or you drink on the weekends, you might find yourself drinking way more. And just to either...

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

be in that situation with them or to cope with you not wanting to deal with their alcoholism. There's so many different ways of looking at it. I mean, I lost a friend from doing pills and how he got into it was tons of other guys that were doing pills around him. And I never thought he would go that route. He just didn't seem like that person.

Mm -hmm.

where at the time, you know, I was just starting or in pretty deep into a relationship about to have a baby. You know, my life was totally different than his. And you can see how that will tear someone to shreds. And what it does to a human is crazy. Like I couldn't imagine you having to see what happened to your mom, you know?

Mm -hmm.

I could tell you stories. Like my mom had 10 years, she died at 59. So at 49, she was diagnosed with a, with a, a brain aneurysm and the doctor, I was with her at the appointment. Cause oftentimes I went to give my dad a little break so that he could work and maintain his job. I, so I went with her to this one appointment.

And this was the surgeon that was going to do the surgery to fix her. And he's like, yeah, you're definitely a candidate. We got to do something. So I say, you're great. Like this was going to happen like at any time, you know? And then he goes, there, there's no opening for an appointment for you to have this done for like a month. It was over a month. So it was in between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And so we, he said, he basically told her and.

in no, no uncertain terms, just flat out told her that you need to, get your affairs in order and don't bend over because it could explode. Like the pressure from bending over could cause you to die. Like that's literally what he said. So I'm sitting there, like, I think I was 30, almost 30. So I was sitting there with her and my jaw dropped.

Wow.

And her, like, I swear the older I get, the more I look like her. And we looked at each other and made the same exact face, the same exact expression. And we were like, fuck, you know, like who says that? Get your fares in order. And if you last this month, you know, you may last if you don't bend over, but just don't bend over. Yeah, that was, that was the day I remember everything about the room. I remember how it smelled. I remember how my mom smelled. I remember.

Yeah, that's crazy.

what we talked about. I remember what the doctor said, what he was wearing, like that, that.

memory, when I think on it, I could remember everything. I try not to go there because that I just want to remember what he said. Like I try not to remember everything because it gets too overwhelming for me because I remember things too well at that point. And I remember the fear and the, the anxiety and the whole, my God, I'm not going to have my mom for when I get married, for when I have kids, for what, like you, I could go down a rabbit hole. I am my favorite.

wrecking ball when it comes to my peace of mind. I could mess it up like nobody can. And I'm having like all these emotions and all these recollections and things. And my mom looks at me and she's like, stop, stop. Like she could tell I was going down that rabbit hole full throttle, you know? But, so yeah, so even remembering it to like tell you today's, it makes me like, I can't breathe. You know what I mean? It's like, there's a,

Lump in my throat, I can't catch my breath. And God, I think about those days and how hard they were. And before that, she had struggled with, at different times, addiction, but she maintained it or she could get herself through it. Or maybe she was just a good fucking liar, Rob. And we were putting our stamp on a big fat fucking lie. You know?

Yeah.

Because there were pills in the hood of our stove. Fuck. Like, I think about these things and I'm like, I'm trying to have a real life right now. I'm trying to take responsibility for the shit I've done wrong. I'm trying to let go of things that don't, you know, that you're supposed to so that you have a good life. I'm really giving it my all. And then this shit comes back.

and I feel like a little kid again and I hate that.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's well because it's it pours in on you. Look, my the same kind of thing happens to me, like mostly recently with my mom. Just I hear a song, I hear something that reminds me of her. Someone around me says something it I think it just it it's hit me more like a year and a half later than it ever did when it first happened. So.

yeah.

And I just think that there's certain things that are reminders, right? People around you, people who, yeah, no, exactly. Or that sounds like something your mom would have said.

Family conversations. you look like your mom. Yeah.

And I get now, I get, ooh, you sound just like mom or ooh, you said exactly what your mother would have said to you or I mean, I'm starting to look more like her. I sound like her. I catch myself sometimes I'm like, ooh, you just made Kalita come out. Like if somebody pisses me off and I'm like, I have to throw a good fuck you in, it sounds like my mother. It doesn't even sound like me anymore. It's weird. And, and.

Right?

I'm noticing this in the last 13 years. It's kind of, everybody said, Ooh, you're going to turn into your mother. And I was like, cool. Cause my mom was pretty cool. You know, I didn't, I don't mind hearing that because I did love her and you know, she's gone now. So cool. I'm like my mom, but then there's this other side. I'm like, I don't want to be like her. When I saw the pills, I'm like, I don't want to be like that. You know, it's, it's like a yo -yo, you know, going back and forth.

Do you?

Do you have any personality like that? An addictive personality?

I'm sure I do. With food, I've always had a weight problem. I've always had issues, health issues, which have caused it. But yeah, I totally have used food in times like for different things. I could craft like a motherfucker. If I'm anxious about something, I will obsessively do something and just try to do as many, the baskets. I could sit and do three baskets in one day and just.

nerd out on making baskets. So I know I have a tendency to to do things of that nature, but nothing. I was never into alcohol. Still not my thing. I could smoke weed, but you can only smoke so much weed. You're only going to get so high and then it's over. So it there's no what what's the fun in that, you know, smoke it, feel fine and then move on. But I would say definitely, definitely with food. I've had issues.

Right.

Yeah, I'm I don't have an addictive personality. Thank goodness. Food for me is a coping mechanism, so I don't look at that as an addiction. I think it's more of just when I'm bored, I'll eat. I think and unfortunately, I like sweets. So like if I had an addiction, I would say it's probably sweets. And I'm, you know, now that I'm on a somewhat of a health journey trying to get my

Mm -hmm. Me too.

body in better shape, I'm trying to stay away from that. Alcohol, not a huge deal, started way late. I do enjoy that, but it's not something, I mean, I could stop tomorrow and it wouldn't bother me. I can go months and months and months without drinking. I prefer not to drink alone, and I don't really know a ton of people over here and the people that I would wanna drink with don't want to, so.

Yeah.

You know, there's that and I've never done any drugs. So for me, like it's so funny because I was talking to somebody the other day about it and I'm like, they were talking about weed. I'm like, yeah, I've never done it. And they're like, well, it's not a drug. It's from the ground. I was like, OK, well, so is cocaine. If you really want to break it down to that simplest form, like let's not that's not what I was trying to say. I was trying to like I was trying to reiterate that it's just I don't I've never done it. It wasn't like I was trying to like, it's.

Hehehe.

Mm -hmm.

it's a horrible drug, it's like, no, I wasn't arguing that point with you. There's good parts of everything. But yeah, I think that in the cases of having addictive personalities, I've seen a lot of people around me that have very addictive personalities and they'll go down, they'll get into like total binges where like they're partying every weekend. And I think that you have to be very careful with, you know,

Mm -hmm.

because there is a line to cross and once you cross it, there's really no going backwards. And I've seen it just destroy relationships, friendships. So I'm glad that I don't have that. I have other obsessions, so I mean, there's things that we can talk about that are like that, but not to that detriment. I think for you, you know,

Mm -hmm.

Going through this again is just another reminder, you know, that, hey,

It's like picking off the scab again, like really again.

No, it's like cutting over a scar. 13 years is a long time. That scab is long gone. You're literally cutting open over the same scar and going, okay, well, now it's time to scab up again. Yeah. I mean, look, I think for you, you'll never be done with it. Let's be honest, right? I don't think that that's something you'll...

We're not done with this.

you should get over. I don't believe that. I think that there should always be something resonating. Now, should you...

Well, I don't know about that. I think you should be able to heal from it. And I told you the story about when I went into the hospital because I had an infection in my leg. And they called it infectious disease. And it was necrotic tissue is what it was from hitting my leg on the floor really hard trying to dive at the dog who was going after my cat.

Well, I ended up in the hospital for eight days on dilated and I could tell you stories about being on dilated. And when I came out, I was addicted. I checked myself out of the hospital because of things that were going on at the hospital and they didn't give me anything to wean me off. And I was in full blown shakes and tremors and hot and cold.

Enable it was horrible the withdrawals were horrible But going through that I learned so much about my mom why she wanted the drugs what it did to her the the Voices in your head that stop and go just radio silence when when you have a chaotic life you look for that silence and I found it in Dilaudid like Every time I say the word or I hear the word I still get that my mouth watered

And I was given that for eight days in the hospital and then I had to come off of it. The doctor, I think gave me Xanax or something like that to get me through the withdrawals. But I've never had it again. But that eight days, it changed me forever. But it was so it was a blessing because I understood my mom more and I thought I was over this shit and I guess I'm not. And it makes me mad.

Wow.

Right.

Yeah, I think that, like you said, you opened up an old scar and now you're trying to not ruminate over it. Like I said, I think when I said you're not gonna get over it, I don't think that that's not healing. I think you can heal and always remember. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's ruminating over something that you won't let go of it. Or it...

right?

it'll now continue and continue. I think from this, you have to just see both sides of your mom again. I kind of look at my mom the same way. Death changes you, where you have to look at things differently. I could probably say some, I wouldn't say horrible things about my mom, but she had her issues.

Mm -hmm.

And then the flip side is there's a lot of really good things I could say about my mom that that was that were amazing and she but she was nowhere near perfect and and I think that's Why I loved her so much because she wasn't perfect and she would tell you she wasn't And I think that that makes me kind of look at myself and go i'm not perfect and i'm all right and and

Yeah.

That's true.

Right.

Everyone needs to say that like we're not perfect and we all have our faults but there's so many good things that override those things that after people pass away It's easy to I think it's easier to just throw away all that negative and go. I whatever mom had her fucking faults

Yeah, I do. I totally do too. You know, that's the funny part of like, I'm not trying to relive this shit. This shit doesn't feel good. And it's not my shit. It was hers. So, so I feel like how many times do I have life disrupted because I have to go through and what is the lesson? Like, so I think to myself, what is the lesson? Let's go through the lesson. Let's rip off the bandaid, make it happen so I could be done with this in my life.

Mm -hmm.

And I don't know. I can't find what it is that I'm supposed to learn from all that I had to watch my mom put herself through.

Come.

Well, you're getting rid of a kitchen that's now going to be something different. Maybe this is...

That was really hard too, believe it or not.

Well, what I'm saying is that now maybe this is part of that closure. It's, you know, so many things happen in that kitchen and not that you should forget them, but it's a moving on point. It's something new. It's a start. Look, I think that you've learned your lesson with your, you know, eight days in addiction or your eight days of, you know, narcotic stimulation.

Mm -hmm.

that you know that you probably do have that bug. And I think that maybe the learning lesson from this too, again, is you know not to ever go down that kind of road.

So I definitely have that, yeah.

Well, you know, the funny thing is if you know my brother and I, we hate taking pills. Both of us are like, nah, I don't want to. He will if he gets sick, he'll take some NyQuil.

because he'll just knock that out of his system, but it's in a liquid form. But I notice, especially pills, both of us really shy away from them to the point where, you know, I'll get offered pills at work like, my back's really bothering me. you want some Advil? do you want a Vicodin? do you want? And I'm like, no, thanks. I'm just going to sit here and dig in, you know, and get through it. I don't want to take the pills. The pills, the pills for us brings down our whole world.

I mean, I just know what they do to you. You know, like it's hard. So many bad things come from just taking the pill itself, right? Because what it takes for your body to start breaking those down is out of control. I take, you know, Tylenol, Advil. But even that I don't take in a lot. I have a pretty high threshold for pain, so.

Which will probably be tested once I get my nose worked on. Now, you know, I've heard even nose jobs. Some people come right out of it. Like take one pain pill and then on Tylenol. So, I mean, we're gonna see. But again, I'm not too worried. I don't have that personality. I've been around, like when I was in the wrestling locker room,

they were like pharmacies and I'm not trying to sound horrible. If you were like walked in and you were like mostly Vicodin or Percodin, they were everywhere in the mid 90s. Like I could walk in and go, dude, I need a bike and somebody in that locker room would have one. So when you're around that kind of stuff, you become so desensitized by it.

because everyone's got or soma. That's what my friends were doing.

yeah, my mom loved those muscle relaxers.

Get this like have you ever taken one? Okay One will Do a pretty good job on you and they're and they're little they're like 10 milligrams. They're like little tiny pills My friends were taken 20 or 30 at a time

yeah.

Yes.

No, those could stop your heart. It's a muscle, yeah.

Yes, because your heart's a muscle. Yes, it's amazing. Yes. So yeah, these guys were like popping 15, 20 pills at a time and then wondering why you die while you're walking. Yeah. So when you're around that kind of shit, like it was when I, my friend from North Carolina, when...

Whoa!

when she was my roommate in the 20s, in my 20s, which I was what, like 24, 25 then. These guys came over our apartment one time and like three of the five passed out on the couch mid -sentence, like just.

Like, what the fuck? So one of the guys ended up not being able to drive. We had to put him in her bed, like, because he couldn't function. So for me, I, you know, and I didn't mess around with anything in my twenties. So like, I got a really quick, really quick update on not wanting to fuck around with that kind of stuff. The...

Wow.

Yeah.

There was another wrestler friend of ours who passed away. They found him in the rain in his front yard, dead. But he was mixing somas and alcohol, which, you want a cocktail for disaster? Yeah.

Wow.

Wow. Yeah, that's not good either.

There, I remember being at a show that he happened to be in the crowd at and he passed out during a show because he was so high. I remember after the show, several of us were sitting around the ring going, wonder when he's gonna die.

shit.

Literally talking about it very openly that like, yeah, he's so fucked up. They're gonna find him dead.

Yeah.

My dad and I had several of those conversations because we were the ones that had to prepare for everything. Like what was going to come next and, and how we were going to get through it. Like it was so, it was so apparent at the end. It was so sad because that's, you know, I don't want people to think that my mom was, was not a good mom. when I was younger, she was everything to us. Girl scouts, softball, baseball, hockey.

little league, like mom, mom was a part of all of that and she was her and my dad were very much always together, always in love, always happy. They did have their moments, but all in all, like they were, they were a solid couple and you know, it's it. And I think I've said it before, like when my mom died, I really noticed right away that I was mourning two different people.

It was like the one before the aneurysm and then the one that was an addict after the aneurysm. And wow, the difference. And we still talk about it, my dad and I, because now that I'm living with him for a while, like a long while, we talk about it and it's like, damn, that was, I go, why was mom so mean? Because mom took a lot out on me, but.

Hehehe.

You know, I was so much like her, like how could she not? And I was the one that was there. My brother would peace out as fast as he could to get out of the situation. So she just wasn't nice and the stuff she said was ugly. And I'm like, man, we took a lot and it wasn't even our fault. It was hers. Like she chose that life. And it's still to this day blows my mind.

I can see mourning two different people though, because...

Yeah.

And I guess I'll say however I can from my mom's point of view, more the ailing mom, the one sick, the one on oxygen, the one just not who my mom was very vibrant and could do everything and cleaned every day and was loud and...

And at the end, she was on oxygen 24 seven. She could barely walk to the bathroom without blowing up. And she just wasn't her. And you could tell it. Like I would read video chat. And it just wasn't mom. Like my mom would dye her hair black. Like she had black hair her whole life. And even like the last year of her life, she went white. Just didn't have any.

Mine too.

The illness took her life from her and I'm sure for you, so did the aneurysm. It took away who your mom was. And when my mom passed away, I was sad, but I was also relieved because she wasn't her. She wasn't happy anymore. She was, she was, you know, it just wasn't her. So I could see the same for you. I could see what it was. And then,

Mm -hmm.

having to deal with an aneurysm and then an addiction on top of that is like this whole thing. And of course then you mourn mom, right? The mom that I remember like coming by your house in high school and seeing mom and it was, yeah, just a different, I could totally see that. And it has to be, it's like I said, it's one of those bittersweet things, right? You know that she's not.

Mm -hmm.

hurting and addicted anymore, but mom that was mom is gone. And those are the hardest things. And I think about that today, about mine. It sucked to see her hurting. But during that, again, here's the flip side of that. During that time is when she really got into this podcast and really got to probably know more of who her son really was.

yeah.

Mm -hmm.

So there's good and bad in everything, I think. I think mourning death is hard. I think for you, you're mourning the addiction by finding these pills. You're like, it's another reminder that this part of her life happened. And I think that's the harder part. And I think in your case, like I said, you're never gonna forget, because we shouldn't. And not to say that you haven't healed.

Mm -hmm.

yeah.

This is definitely opening up a scar that now you have to sew shut again. And again, I think you're good at talking. I think talking with people is gonna help you. Kind of like bringing it.

I always, I still always tell people, remember the good stuff. Like don't remember all the crap, remember the good stuff because people aren't all one way or another. You know, people aren't all black or white, bad or good, short or tall. Everybody's like somewhere in the middle of something, you know? And I work really hard at it and this bullshit doesn't help. Because it does take work to remember the good stuff. Because the good stuff,

Mm -hmm.

didn't destroy my life. It was the bad stuff, you know, having to, because she was so sick, having to stay at her house every night till like 3, 34 o 'clock in the morning when dad woke up, just so that he could sleep without worrying about her burning the house down, you know, or falling again and having yet another horn coming out of her head because she knocked her noodles so hard that...

Mm -hmm.

Right.

I used to say it was like devil horns. I'm like, look, mom, you got another devil horn. She said, shut up. And I just like, I think of all that I had to go through to help hide her illness and how much shit I took. I remember when it was, it was at the, it's do or die now, mom. Like everybody's leaving you. If you want to have a family, you have to go to rehab.

Right.

and fuck you, fuck this, fuck that. And you know, she, I remember going to visiting day thinking that she was gonna be happy to see us. And she was such an asshole to me that whole day, because she blamed me, that my dad and my brother weren't strong enough to actually make her to go into rehab that only I could do that. And I was like, are you kidding? I was so damn afraid of you growing up. I didn't try to cross you like that, like little.

skirmishes here or there, daughter -mom things, but go after your addiction? I didn't sign up for that, but it got to the point where it was so bad she was going to kill herself at the least and the whole family at the most with a burning down the house. Like she was so bad. It was crazy.

All right.

Right.

I think you start reminiscing over, I mean this life in general. When things like this happen, you start looking at your life. At least I do. I start going, okay, where do I wanna be? What do I wanna do? Where am I at? And then of course, you look at your other parent, right? I mean, at least I do, because my dad's...

He's 81. He's on definitely the back side of his life. And those are things where like, now I'm thinking more of that as well. Like, okay, that's next. These are things that are going to happen. It's just going to. Thankfully I have, you know, my stepmom who takes care of my dad. So I'm not too worried about that part of it, but.

I am worried more about just life. Like what's going to happen next and what's going to happen for me? My kid's going to leave at some point. Then life changes again. There's like these things that I just think that when you find something that reminds you of the past, you have to look at the present and the future and see what's going to happen. So I think maybe for you, this is just another...

eye -opening thing for you, okay? There's a lesson to be learned, always. At least that's how I feel. I feel there's... I'm a huge believer in things happen for a reason, whatever they are.

Mm -hmm.

Me too, I just wish I knew what the reason was to have to keep going through this again and again. Like I really am trying to move on. You know, I'm trying to move on from a lot of things. You know, my mom died when I was 40 at the same time I lost the ability to have kids and my kid ran away and my house was robbed. So they stole all my mom's stuff. So I've been healing from not having anything to do with a mom, being a mom, having a mom, you know, I,

I dealt with that and this also shakes all that again. Like, I don't want to deal with this again. And my fear is that my mom and both of her brothers, you know, the three of them share the same parents, mom and dad, they all left at 59. I'm 53. So I'm really this next six years, I'm packing it in.

And I promised myself that and so far so good. I've been living a fun, happy, never say no type of life. I'm trying to seize the moment, you know? And I worry, are we only gonna live to be 59? My brother and I, like, is that all we're gonna have in us? Is that what happens? Because if that's the case, I still am not doing enough.

Right, you know, and Seizing the Moments, episode 148, for everyone listening. You should go listen to that. Because look, I think that's a great episode because I think a lot of people now don't do that anymore. We sit back and look.

Yes.

No.

I think I saw something on, I wanna say Instagram, speaking of like deaths and funerals and that kind of thing. For as many years as you live, you get an hour of friends sitting, talking about you, in a public gathering. So an hour for 60, 70, 80 years, it seems very...

small in the scheme of things. And I think a lot of us live small lives because we're conditioned to, right? You're conditioned to get up, go to work, make sure your kids are okay, maybe have a spouse, you know, sleep, yeah, have sex every blue moon, whatever it is. These small things instead of...

Instead of living and going, you know what? I'm not supposed to do this. I'm going to and and there's a very small percentage of people who do that and I give them a lot of credit because it's it's not an easy way to live life Some people are lucky that they can just throw shit to the wind and and do it I wish I was more like my mom like that because she was like that she would just do shit because she could my dad is very much a homebody and and

you

He likes repetition and likes to do things. And I have a more probably of that in me. But I think going forward, I'm kind of like you too. The clock is ticking and we have a very small amount of time. I don't wanna get, pardon the word, addicted to not being open to other things. It's easy to get addicted to monotony and...

Mm -hmm.

addicted to easy and easy, you know, is being complacent and being complacent is shit. So, you know, it's easy to get addicted to a shitty life and you find yourself blaming the world for your shit where it's really you just going, I'm not doing anything. And I think that we all need to do that because life's hard enough and

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right?

when you have things that happen in our lives like you, where you've gone through a lot in a very short amount of time, that, you know, to be reminded again of it can't be easy. But I truly think maybe this is something that you're supposed to shut a door on and be okay with it. But I think so.

Mm -hmm.

yeah, please. But I do feel that this is what I do feel. Nobody could explain from the inside out what it feels like to go through what it is I'm experiencing, but I can. You know, I'm really good at telling people what it feels like, because I got the vocabulary for that. I've lived in my skin in such a way that I know what I'm feeling. And I think that that's why I wanted to talk about this today, because...

At 13 years, you would think you would be okay with this. Like I'm not really damaged. I'm pretty strong. I'm confident. I think I have a better than average like disposition, you know, I, I, I do whatever the hell I want to. I do have a good life. I've made a good life for me. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. But, but that's.

I always tell people I'm like this is, you know, cause I do stupid things or I, we get caught up or I joke and I'm, I always tell my friends, this is a eulogy moment. Like this is what I want you to say when I die. Cause you know, if I only lived till 59, I'm going before all your asses. Right? So I, I want people to see that I, you don't have to grieve me cause I did live. I did exactly what I was supposed to do here on this earth. And, and I had a blast doing it. And.

I want to leave the good memories. I don't want to be like my mom was so miserable at the end. I was like, my God, I just want to slap you. You don't understand how much I think about that. Like it scares me to be miserable because of what she was going through. Like I don't want to be like that. I'm already too much like her. I don't want to be like that. So it's very, these, these reminders, these,

Mm -hmm.

And I don't know why I'm being reminded. I'm getting too old to have addictions and to give a shit about that. You know, I really am. I think we would have had it a long time ago. But that hurt is, I don't, how do you, I want to get past it. But it was like, it was just a reminder of how fucked up things really were. And I was like, really, do we need to think about that?

Right. Right.

Do I need to think about my mom in extremes like that? I don't want to. My mom was freaking hilarious. You know, we're because we're doing the remodeling. Sorry, I stopped you. I stopped you Rob. But I had a reminder of I was talking shit. I was a teenager and I was saying something that was going to make my mom mad. Not to the point where I was pissing her off, but just like, little bitch. You know, she we sparred like that.

No, maybe you would.

And she took a brand new bottle of mustard. We were having sandwiches that night for dinner. They'd go get deli meats and we'd make our own sandwiches or whatever. And she took the bottle and she opened it up and she aimed it at me and as hard as she could, she slammed her hand on it. Mustard goes flying across the table right into my face, my hair, my shirt, the wall, the window, everything. And I was like, my God, did you just do that? So I picked up the mayonnaise cause it was new and took a big scoop and I threw it at her.

And I'm having this memory of this day, my brother, my dad, her sitting, they're sitting opposite of me and my mom. So they were out of the line of fire, but the looks on their faces like, what the hell are these crazy bitches doing? And my mom and I laughed hysterically. We couldn't stop it. I'm like, I'm okay remembering those. I want to, I want to do more of that because my mom was not as, as bad as the worst thing that she did. She just did.

She did things that were bad, but she was on the flip side. She was so good and there was so much fun and there were so many things to talk about and love about her. I will never make my mom out to be a saint. These people that like, my mom walked on water. No, my mama was a redhead and I think she came from hell at times. There was like she was fire all the time. So I want to remember the real mom.

Like not this made up, like, she was perfect, because no, she wasn't perfect. She was a perfect mom for us to learn whatever lessons we needed, but she was far from perfect. So I don't know. I just don't want to be reminded of all the yucky anymore. I remember that. Do we need to scratch that itch? No.

Hmm.

Yeah.

I think, again, you're gonna have a new place, a new kitchen, a new whatever. And again, like I said, you're never gonna lose that memory, so you don't have to worry about that, but maybe it's like putting a small padlock on a drawer or a trunk. It's...

You know, I thought that was padlocked though and it was wide the fuck open.

No, I just had some cracks that pills fell out of.

Out of hood! They bills fell out of!

You know what I mean? Now what you need to do is just make sure you glue the sides real tight and nothing will fall out. Yeah, I mean, to me that I just think it was just a reminder of, okay, mom, I get you. That's it. Cause at least that's how I look at mine. Something will happen and I'll go, all right, mom. Yeah, I get you. Right.

Man, that is no joke.

I do that most of the time, but this one was just, I think that's why I needed to talk about it. It was irritating. I was pissed off. Like I was pissed off and I was embarrassed. And when my mom was alive doing this, I wasn't really embarrassed of her. I didn't have embarrassed moments cause we were pretty good at, you know, making sure that her story wasn't out, but I was embarrassed. I really was. Yeah.

Yeah.

but it's because someone else found it. I think that's why. And now you have to go, yeah, remember, if you hadn't, yeah, if I haven't told you the story, here's the story. You know what I mean? It's like, I...

yeah, and by the way...

I could have made up something that fell or I, but how does it fall out? I know.

Nah, you can't. I mean, and maybe it's almost like you should have told you needed to tell the story again. Okay, this is the one last time we're going to go around the bend and like, you know, no more no more pill talk.

Like I always come back to this one quote that I've heard over and over again. You're only as sick as your secrets. And I don't want to be sick to that anymore. That wasn't my secret. My mom's gone. However people remember her, however she's memorialized, that's in everybody's wheelhouse already. But I feel like if I don't talk about this and we keep shoving this under the rug,

then nobody's gonna get help from what I went through. And truly, we all, if somebody else is going through anything like this, they need a lot of help, because it was really hard to deal with my mom in this way, so.

Yeah. I think now there's, thankfully, I think there's just so many places you can find help. Within your friend group, therapy, there's people that you can really talk to. And I think now it's a must. I think if you're going through any kind of addiction problems, I think I put an addiction number on the last show that we did months ago.

Yeah.

Look, you have to go on both sides of that. If you're going through it with somebody, you have to be able to talk to somebody. And thankfully, there's therapists that, you know, alcohol addiction. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can come on the show and talk. You know, thankfully, there's places that you can talk about, you know, drug addiction and alcoholism and...

and podcast.

whatever, I mean, there's so many addictions, sex addiction, whatever it is. You know, there's so many places you can talk to somebody or hear things about it. You're not alone, that's for sure. And I don't, you know, Tina, for you, I think it's just another rung on the ladder. You're climbing up and it's just a reminder, that's all. I'm sure that you're gonna...

you know, a month from now you're gonna go, son of a bitch, mom, really? You know, you couldn't have hid salt and pepper up there?

Mm -hmm. Well, it was, right? You know, the first time this happened, I gave my cousin one of her jackets, and she puts her hands in the pockets, and she took out two pills. She's all, hey, cuz, do you need these? I'm like, no, they're a gift from your aunt. Throw them away. They're old, because I didn't give away those.

Mm -hmm.

jackets for a long time. I was waiting for her to grow up and be able to wear them. And so I was like, and here it begins. Then I'd open her old wallets or her old, you know, or out of a boot, a couple would fall. And I was like, well, she wasn't stashing those, I don't think, or at least I could make it seem like, she just forgot to take them or whatever. But when I saw them fall out of that freaking hood, I was.

All right.

I wish I, I want to post a picture of what the hood looked like, but I didn't take a picture of it just to see like, how the hell does she even do that?

Right.

You know, I will tell you that You look at people who have those type of problems. They will find a way Yeah Yeah, so, you know if look how many people hide alcohol it's They'll they'll find a way. So, you know, there's when there's a will there's a way and that's the life, you know, so I don't know I think for you I at the end of the day, it's

Alright, shiesty, shiesty!

Just another learning experience that you have to go, come on mom, please don't give me no more.

I'm glad we're over that.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, and it's just, I think it's more of that thing where you're like, I mean, you guys were in that house for a long time. There's probably more hidden secrets in there than that you're gonna find later on. No, but.

47 years.

I don't want to know anymore. Like I'm so over wanting to know about people's secrets. I'm like, let's just go have fun. Can we just make memories instead of dealing with the shit?

Yeah. Yeah. Do you have an attic? You have an attic? Or no? Yeah. I guarantee you there's something in the attic. I'd put money on it. And I'm not talking about from your mom. I'm just talking about there's something in the attic because there's always something in the attic. You know what I mean? Like you're gonna find something and it could be something great. Old pictures or you know, whatever it is. It's just a...

We do, a little bit of one, yeah.

I'm sure.

Just a speed bump, team, that's all it is. Just, you know, I don't think there's even a last word today. I think that there's really, it's just life. And I think you're handling it pretty well these days, everything. Yeah, yeah, you, I would love to say that I'm in the same ballpark as you, I'm not, but I think that it's, you know, you're good.

Yeah, I hear you.

Don't you think so? I think I'm doing alright.

I mean, you're trying. I think that that's the bigger thing. I think everyone out there needs to look at your life and say, am I trying hard enough? Because sometimes there's days where I'm like, man, I'm sure I'm trying. And then there's days where I'm not.

Or even, it's not just trying, it's living enough. Are you living enough? Yeah.

Yeah, it's because I think that, look at your life, are you living or are you just living? There's a difference. Because I think a lot of people just live. You get up, do your stuff, and you're like, okay, I'm just going. And you don't try to press to have a better life. And that's a lot of us. That's not...

a small amount. I think that there's more people that do that than not. You know, it's, we're at the end of our run. We're on the back half of our life. I'm gonna do my best not to waste it.

Don't, because it comes up too damn quick. And if you're me, you're looking at, I only got six more years, what can I squeeze into this time? Because that's where I'm at right now. That's why I think I got to handle on things. It's like, let's quit fighting with everybody, and let's go have fun with the people that want to be around us. Let's do it now, like right now. Yep.

Yes, very quickly.

Yep, sure works. Alrighty, well we'll close it out with that. Make sure to check out our social medias on the Instagram and X and Facebook. You'll get updates from us and links for the show every Wednesday. You can hear us on Apple, Spotify, YouTube music, everywhere the podcast can be done. Please share it with people so if you listen to it, there's generally a little arrow that you can share, copy.

paste it to everyone else in your group so we can get more listeners. And it's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. That's Tina over there. I'm Rob. Until next Wednesday, you guys have a great day. Bye.

See ya!