Shownotes
This episode of the Ditch the Suits Podcast explores the profound challenges of rebuilding life after the loss of a loved one. It focuses on both the emotional and practical decisions that arise in the wake of such a life-altering event.
A show follower asked Travis and Steve about their experience managing a family farm after losing a partner while also navigating the responsibility of caring for a mother who wants to remain nearby.
Recognizing that many people may face similar struggles, Travis committed to dedicating two full episodes to help others navigate life after loss.
Travis underscores the importance of open and honest conversations—with oneself and loved ones—as a key part of coping with grief and making decisions. He advises listeners to allow themselves six to twelve months to grieve before considering any major life changes.
Through personal stories and professional insights, Travis and Steve highlight the importance of understanding one’s own emotions and desires while being mindful of the needs and feelings of those left behind.
Show Takeaways
- Grieving is a personal process that can take six to twelve months and should not be rushed.
- It's crucial to have open conversations about death and legacy while loved ones are still present.
- Avoid making financial decisions immediately after a loss; give yourself time to think.
- Engaging in difficult conversations with family members can prevent misunderstandings and guilt later on.
- Consider the emotional significance and practicality of maintaining shared properties after a loss.
- Focus on the legacy you want to create rather than simply the loss you feel.
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About Your Co-Hosts:
Travis Maus has been in financial services for over fifteen years. He is a Senior Wealth Manager and Chief Executive Officer at S.E.E.D. Planning Group. Travis also hosts the Unleashing Leadership Podcast, where he dissects some of his favorite books on leadership and how you can apply it to your business or life.
Steve Campbell has over a decade of industry experience and is the Chief Brand Officer at S.E.E.D. Planning Group. Steve also hosts the One Big Thing Podcast, an interview-style show meant to inspire and encourage 30 and 40-year-olds going through difficult seasons of navigating marriage, raising kids, and growing personally.
Transcripts
Welcome to Ditch the Suits Podcast where we share insights nobody in the financial services industry wants you to know about.
Speaker A:We're here to help you get the most from your money in life.
Speaker A:So buckle up and welcome to Ditch the Suits.
Speaker A:Welcome into Ditch the Suits podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Steve Campbell, your co host with Travis Moss.
Speaker A:For those of you who may be new to Ditch the Suits, I serve as the Chief Brand Officer at Seed Planning Group.
Speaker A:Travis serves as our CEO.
Speaker A:Seed is a fee only financial planning firm where we have a fiduciary obligation to work in our clients best interests.
Speaker A:And this show is all about us bringing our years of experience together, things we talk about with clients to really help you get the most of your money in life.
Speaker A:Starting a brand new series today and I'm going to just let Travis get right into it because I think he'll do a really good job of teeing up why we're having this conversation and really I think why this is near and dear to his heart.
Speaker A:So Travis, why don't you share with everybody what the conversation is going to be about.
Speaker B:Well, we recently got a very interesting comment from somebody on one of our recent episodes.
Speaker B:I think it was making big life decisions with buying or selling a house or a business.
Speaker B:And the comment coincided with a lot of work that we do with people who have lost somebody.
Speaker B:And we have a member of our broader Seed family that we lost this year.
Speaker B:And so kind of working through all that, the comment really resonated with us.
Speaker B:So we wanted to grab that comment and give the comment a little bit of time.
Speaker B:And I think it's something as we go into Thanksgiving and we think about the things that we're thankful for as we start to reminisce about the year for those who have lost loved ones or are walking that path where they might be losing somebody, possibly this can help move the ball a little bit for you.
Speaker B:But the question was, and I've paraphrased it a little bit, I just cleaned it up a little bit just because there was.
Speaker B:I think somebody probably typed it on their iPhone or something.
Speaker B:So sometimes it gets a little bit wonky.
Speaker B:So I tried to clean it up as best as I could.
Speaker B:But the question is as follows.
Speaker B:My question is, what do I do?
Speaker B:Since I lost my partner, I now have the farm we both had and still on the farm, but have been told it has increased in value.
Speaker B:I want to move, but I'm not ready since my mom has decided to be closer to me and I feel obligated to stay because of her.
Speaker B:It goes on.
Speaker B:I don't want whoever buys the property to be under if the market fails or falls, as I could just not justify someone being upside down if the market goes down and then goes on again.
Speaker B:What advice would you give on what to do or not to do?
Speaker B:At this point in my life, this is one of those things where we say, you know, it sounds like a very simple question, but it's really quite a complex question.
Speaker B:But it's a, It's a question that so many people are dealing with, and it's so difficult to go through for a lot of different reasons.
Speaker B:There can be financial reasons, there can be spiritual reasons.
Speaker B:They can be, you know, you just lost the love of your life reasons.
Speaker B:I mean, there's all different types of things baked in here.
Speaker B:It's a very delicate conversation.
Speaker B:And I wanted to try to, you know, give some framework to people and how to make some of these decisions.
Speaker B:It is really, really just.
Speaker B:It's really difficult losing your significant other.
Speaker B:It doesn't matter how long you've been together.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's like somebody blew a hole into your heart and you're just, you're, you're trying to figure out, you know, where's, where's this journey go now.
Speaker B:You know, you're walking next to somebody down a path, and then all of a sudden they're part of the path has ended.
Speaker B:Um, and so you're working on putting your life back together.
Speaker B:You're working on turning the, the pages or the turning the chapter in your book.
Speaker B:And I kind of liken this to stumbling around in the dark and you're looking for the light switch, and you're even in your bedroom if you do this.
Speaker B:A lot of times it's like, you know, where the light switches, but you just can't quite find it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:You know, you're, you're, you're, you're patting at the wall, and that's what this feels like.
Speaker B:And, and, and from going through so many times with people and getting to know people and getting connected to people over the years and then going through this with their families, it feels a lot like this, too, to the practitioner who's kind of going through it.
Speaker B:So I have a lot of empathy for the situation.
Speaker B: to on Bowles: Speaker B:I know for me, it's a little bit of therapy to be able to talk about it out loud because it's kind of like, you know, you absorb all this stuff and you be the strong person, but then you end up with that stuff inside, and you want to.
Speaker B:Sometimes talking through it gets it out.
Speaker B:So this, I think, is going to be a very personal type of episode.
Speaker B:Our hope is that Don, that you, um, and any listener that's going through something like this, hopefully this helps you find a little bit more peace and strength as you move forward to this next chapter in your story.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And as we.
Speaker A:As we jump into it, if you're brand new to ditch the suits, you know, Travis does an incredible job coming up with content to help you get more from your money in life.
Speaker A:And when we saw this comment come through on YouTube, I sent it to him and I said, hey, do you want me to respond or do you want to take it?
Speaker A:And I know when he said, I got this one.
Speaker A:Let's devote two entire episodes.
Speaker A:So for this series, this will be two episodes really to talking about rebuilding life after death.
Speaker A:And as you said, Don has experienced this.
Speaker A:We've also had somebody close to our seed family going through this.
Speaker A:This episode will fall between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Speaker A:So during a holiday season where most people are trying to take in family and trying to enjoy this season as it is, there's also people that are dealing with loss and really hard seasons right now where they may be reminded of a loved one that's not with them in this time.
Speaker A:And so if we're going to talk about the money component, which is what digital suits is built on, the other pillar is life.
Speaker A:And really, in this case, how do you pick up life after the loss of a loved.
Speaker A:And so, Travis, I want to get into this today because I know that you have had the experience over the years through financial planning and just, you know, helping people talking about death, dealing with death is kind of something that no one really wants to acknowledge.
Speaker A:Time is something that we realize gets away from all of us.
Speaker A:You have moments like this that are sobering for even us.
Speaker A:In the seat of man, am I making the most of this life that I live?
Speaker A:So why is this conversation, or where do you even start for somebody like Don when you're talking about real rebuilding life after death?
Speaker B:Death.
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Speaker B:Well, because we don't know Don.
Speaker B:We've never talked to Don.
Speaker B:We don't know what his real situation is.
Speaker B:We don't know what the lead up to it was, what happened after.
Speaker B:We don't know if it was sudden, if it was expected.
Speaker B:We don't know any of those things.
Speaker B:So I wanted to start from the beginning as far as let's rewind the clock and think about pre death so as maybe we are preparing for death or sometimes you don't know it's coming.
Speaker B:So you're just going through life and all of a sudden something happens.
Speaker B:But let's go, let's let's start the story before somebody has passed away.
Speaker B:Because I think that helps us when we're trying to make these decisions about, for instance, this question about whether or not do you sell the house or the farm and move away.
Speaker B:There's something that I think you need and this is a conversation that doesn't happen very often.
Speaker B:It's a conversation I wish that I've had with more people.
Speaker B:Before you lose a loved one, you need to do what I call finish your conversations.
Speaker B:And so you need to avoid unfinished conversations I guess would be the inverse of that.
Speaker B:Meaning there are things that you do need to talk about.
Speaker B:Even though it's hard to talk about losing somebody, even though it's hard to admit that somebody is going to be lost.
Speaker B:If you don't have conversations, if you don't talk your way all the way through from start to finish on an idea, then what happens when that person is no longer there?
Speaker B:You have to fill in the blanks.
Speaker B:It's hard enough to fill in the blanks when you got your loved one there.
Speaker B:It's really, really hard to fill it out when you're like oh gosh, what would they really have wanted?
Speaker B:And you don't know because you actually didn't talk about it or you didn't, you didn't finalize the answer because somebody was afraid to make those decisions.
Speaker B:You know, it's a two.
Speaker B:I call it a two way street.
Speaker B:You got somebody coming and somebody or somebody going and somebody staying, right?
Speaker B:So it's not really coming and going.
Speaker B:It's going and staying.
Speaker B:The person going, they have.
Speaker B:You know, if I were to talk to my spouse, like, neither of us are planning on dying, but we should sit down and have a conversation.
Speaker B:Listen, if I were to be gone tomorrow, you know, this is what's important to me.
Speaker B:If you were to be gone tomorrow, what's important to you?
Speaker B:How should.
Speaker B:How would you want us to handle things when you're gone?
Speaker B:How would I want you to.
Speaker B:Having those conversations is so important because you don't want to be guessing and second guessing or wishing that you had had the conversations.
Speaker B:And a lot of times we just run out of time and then we're stuck.
Speaker B:I think we do that because we're afraid.
Speaker B:I've literally had people tell me that, like, they don't want to.
Speaker B:I've had two clients in a meeting one time.
Speaker B:They're both in their 70s.
Speaker B:They don't want to use the word senior or elder or anything that made them feel old.
Speaker B:And when we talked about their estate plan, they cried.
Speaker B:They didn't want to think about dying.
Speaker B:They were afraid of dying.
Speaker B:So if you're afraid of that next chapter, you will prevent the conversations from happening.
Speaker B:A lot of times I've talked with parents that'll go down.
Speaker B:They'll try to talk to their kids.
Speaker B:Hey, if something happens and the kids start bawling, they don't want to deal with it.
Speaker B:I can't imagine you not being here.
Speaker B:You have to.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But that's.
Speaker B:There's also a perspective of this.
Speaker B:Am I talking about loss or am I talking about legacy?
Speaker B:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:Listen, I want, when I'm gone, hopefully for you to think this of me and for you to have these experiences and to be part of your future.
Speaker B:Because you remember xyz, not hey, when I'm gone and it all dries up, you know, like whatever, you know, it's.
Speaker B:It.
Speaker B:It needs to be a very positive conversation if you can make it like that.
Speaker B:Because then it's a type of conversation that you say, look, not.
Speaker B:There's nobody on this earth that's gonna be here forever.
Speaker B:So when I do leave, what am I leaving behind?
Speaker B:And what's so great about that?
Speaker B:That's a wonderful way to kind of bridge into this kind of two Way street.
Speaker B:Because you know, you've got a person.
Speaker B:Let's say that, you know that you're going.
Speaker B:Let's say that, you know, something's.
Speaker B:There's something wrong.
Speaker B:You've been diagnosed with something.
Speaker B:You're feeling a certain way.
Speaker B:And so this is.
Speaker B:I can talk to the person who's passing away right now, and I can also talk to the person who's walking that path next to them, who's not passing away.
Speaker B:What's happening with the person who's passing away?
Speaker B:That person, what they really need to do is to decide, am I fighting or am I not fighting?
Speaker B:And they need to come to peace with the decision.
Speaker B:I'm not going to fight.
Speaker B:I want to spend the last three months of my life cherishing every moment and being as comfortable as possible, and I'm at peace with that.
Speaker B:But they not only need to.
Speaker B:You know, a lot of times people decide that in their head, but they don't tell their partner that.
Speaker B:They don't tell their significant other.
Speaker B:So the significant other is like, we're going to fight this.
Speaker B:We got to fight this.
Speaker B:We got to fight this.
Speaker B:Or they say, yeah, okay, fine, I'll fight it.
Speaker B:But then they halfway fight it.
Speaker B:Or they decide to fight it really late.
Speaker B:It's too late at that point.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:So it's.
Speaker B:It's one of those things where just be clear with it.
Speaker B:Hey, I'm at peace with this.
Speaker B:Because we need to be at peace with this together.
Speaker B:Because.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Or if you're gonna fight it, you have to fight it.
Speaker B:Fight like, Helen, you need to tell them, I'm gonna do everything I can to fight this.
Speaker B:The person on the other side, what they're doing is they're looking.
Speaker B:You know, a lot of times people are being very productive.
Speaker B:They want to take care of that person.
Speaker B:And then they're also looking for a cue from that person.
Speaker B:You know, what's this?
Speaker B:Where is this person?
Speaker B:And I'll follow this journey with them wherever it goes until the end is done.
Speaker B:But a lot of times, what happens?
Speaker B:Because we don't have this great communication between the two people because we're afraid to have conversations about life after death.
Speaker B:We're not having the clear conversations about fighting or not fighting, about the immediacy of the situations, about the importance of doing things a certain way, about.
Speaker B:Listen, we have to get our estate documents together, and it's going to be important that.
Speaker B:I know that you don't like attorneys, but we need to have this stuff looked over.
Speaker B:I know you don't like financial advisors.
Speaker B:But we need to have this stuff looked over by people who know what they're doing.
Speaker B:The amount of time that we spend fixing problems after the fact, and it all costs money and it all creates destruction.
Speaker B:If you're.
Speaker B:If you've lost a loved one and you didn't finish your conversation, so you didn't finish the planning, and then you have to piece it all back together after the fact, the emotional trauma of that is pretty significant.
Speaker B:It's a pretty heavy weight to carry.
Speaker B:So, you know, and then you have the whole expected versus unexpected.
Speaker B:So it's one thing I expect it.
Speaker B:I've been diagnosed with something that's another thing.
Speaker B:One day, somebody just didn't wake up.
Speaker B:My stepdad, one of my stepdads passed away from a heart attack.
Speaker B:Nobody knew he had heart issues.
Speaker B:He never talked about it.
Speaker B:Yeah, well, there's a whole ton of unfinished conversations left there because one party didn't know that that could be something that could go.
Speaker B:And even if they did know, you know, having the entire depth of conversation about, okay, you're not coming home tomorrow, where is everything?
Speaker B:What is everything?
Speaker B:How is everything?
Speaker B:Who and how do you want me to handle things?
Speaker B:That type of stuff is pretty significant.
Speaker B:So I always think if you love and respect each other, you have these conversations regardless of the situations.
Speaker B:What would happen if.
Speaker A:Hey, guys, Steve Campbell with Digital Suits want to take one quick moment to make a big ask.
Speaker A:If you haven't already, Travis and I would love for you to subscribe to this podcast, but if you haven't, also, we would love for you to leave a five star rating and review.
Speaker A:Your rating and review will let other podcasters know that this show is worth their time.
Speaker A:So let's get right back to the episode and thanks for listening to Ditch the Suits podcast.
Speaker A:Yeah, I thought you did a really nice job of changing or shifting the conversation to it's not focusing about loss, but focusing on legacy.
Speaker A:I think that's really hard for us to do.
Speaker A:And, you know, I think you got people in some different camps listening to this episode.
Speaker A:You have Don, who is now trying to pick up the pieces that his spouse is not here and interpret or make sense of maybe what their spouse or significant other meant by certain things.
Speaker A:Either if that's reading through documents and trying to understand it or just trying to think from their perspective.
Speaker A:You have people that, like you said, they know a spouse is terminally ill and only has so much time.
Speaker A:There are those that you know are healthy as can be.
Speaker A:And so I think you have People from, you know, all walks of life trying to figure out right now, this can be a very heavy conversation, but shifting it to that idea of creating legacy, what is all this stuff for?
Speaker A:If we spend an entire lifetime building something incredible, if we don't know how to properly pass it on or to allow our loved ones to carry on after us?
Speaker A:You know, I've heard you over the years, both in client meetings and speaking events that I've done, you can speak to this because you've seen this executed really well, you know, with people that do the right things and have the conversations and focus on legacy.
Speaker A:But you and I have also attested and seen people that just chalk it up to, I don't want to deal with it like this is too uncomfortable for me.
Speaker A:They'll figure it out when I'm no longer here.
Speaker A:And so I think, you know, these frameworks that you're providing are really helpful for people, because if you've never been in this situation, you can assume you know, what you would do or how things would go.
Speaker A:But until you're on the other side and that person that you're trying to make decisions about is no longer here, that's a very difficult place because you can't go back and make sense of it.
Speaker B:Well, when you say that you really love people, whether it's your kids, your partner, your significant other, your parent, whoever it might be, when you say you love people and then you say in the same breath, they'll clean up the mess when I'm gone, that is probably the most selfish thing that you can say, because you've acknowledged that they're important to you, but they're not important enough for you to take care of your own business, right?
Speaker B:Or for you to have the conversations, even if they don't want to have them.
Speaker B:So the fear is, if I have a conversation with somebody who doesn't want to have the conversation, maybe they get mad at me, or maybe that makes them sad for a day.
Speaker B:That's not a big deal.
Speaker B:You know, when you're talking, your legacy is all you have.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker B:Because every single person on this earth will be dust one day.
Speaker B:So when you think about loss, loss is perspective.
Speaker B:If you lose somebody but you have great memories with them because you didn't have a lot of trauma that you had to deal with at the ad, meaning you didn't have all these unfinished conversations where you didn't know what to do or how to do it or what their wishes were or felt like you were letting them down.
Speaker B:Where you didn't elongate the grieving process because, you know, you had talked about things, you know what they want, you know, like, you know, you're doing a good job, then you can put loss in perspective because that person now travels with you, right?
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's like.
Speaker B:It's like you're.
Speaker B:You're your invisible person that's with you at all times, cheering for you and saying, yes, you did it.
Speaker B:Right, let's go.
Speaker B:We can do this.
Speaker B:See, we told you it'd be all right.
Speaker B:It's all right.
Speaker B:You could keep going versus, you know, if all you're doing is saying, well, I lost somebody and something's been taken from me, Right.
Speaker B:Like, it is a little bit of a mind shift.
Speaker B:But you also have people who don't, who haven't been through trauma or events that have caused trauma, and they like to come in at the end and swoop in and kind of tell you what to do and what you need to do.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And I think that that's difficult.
Speaker B:I see a lot of times you'll get it with kids, like adult kids that come in and they want to tell the parents, this is how you deal with somebody who's lost a loved one or something like that, and they haven't lost a loved one yet.
Speaker B:They don't know what it's like.
Speaker B:They're like, yeah, let's just box up the house.
Speaker B:Let's move you in with us.
Speaker B:No, you know, time out.
Speaker B:You know, there's.
Speaker B:You can.
Speaker B:You're trying to come in and be a hero, but you don't know what it's like to go through what we're going through until you go through it type of thing.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker B:So let's assume, though, let's go back to our original question here, because we're not quite done with kind of setting up the backstory here.
Speaker B:Let's assume you did have those conversations, you finished the conversations.
Speaker B:You are still going to get to the end, right?
Speaker B:Your significant other has passed away and you've had the conversations, you've done the things that you needed to do.
Speaker B:You have things set up, right?
Speaker B:You're still going to have to remind yourself.
Speaker B:And this happens most of the time, not all the time.
Speaker B:Some people kind of come through this with a different mentality, but most of the time, the.
Speaker B:Most of the people I've dealt with in this, you need to remind yourself that you have a next chapter.
Speaker B:And I think this gets at some of the questions that have been asked here and what I See, a lot of times is people punishing themselves because the love of their life is gone, right?
Speaker B:Or because the life plan has now changed dramatically and I don't deserve it.
Speaker B:Or, you know what?
Speaker B:As long as the kids are taken care of, I'll be okay.
Speaker B:And no, you still have a next chapter, and your chapter might be a long chapter, so you can't just throw in the towel now.
Speaker B:And really, if you had a significant other that loved you, would they really want you to throw in the towel?
Speaker B:Or would they be like, hey, what's this next chapter going to be like?
Speaker B:And if I wasn't there, this is really what I would hope that you would do and where you would go.
Speaker B:And, you know, I want you to carry these thoughts with you as you go.
Speaker B:Well, you get that from the finished conversation, right?
Speaker B:But you also are going to find out that, okay, well, this person and myself, we figured that this is kind of what we would do with things.
Speaker B:And then you realize the practicality of what you were thinking about doing in the time you were thinking about it, and the reality of the current situation are different.
Speaker B:So you may actually also have to make adjustments.
Speaker B:So that's why when somebody says, never sell the house, well, kind of push back on that and have a bigger conversation about that.
Speaker B:Like, never.
Speaker B:As far as what.
Speaker B:What happens if they put, you know, a landfill next door?
Speaker B:Could I sell the house then?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:As opposed to, they told me to hold on to this forever and to never get rid of it.
Speaker B:Okay, but really, what did they mean by that?
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And dig in and push in.
Speaker B:Because there's going to be a time where things just become a little bit too impractical.
Speaker B:That could be the case with this farm that they're talking about.
Speaker B:If you have a farm and two people have been working it and you're younger and okay, you're doing it, and then.
Speaker B:And maybe one of the person is more passionate about it than the other, and maybe the impassioned person passes away.
Speaker B:Now the other person's got a farm.
Speaker B:And maybe, you know, not the energy or the ambition or the know how to work it.
Speaker B:Okay, well, it's kind of impractical to keep that.
Speaker B:You're going to drive yourself into the ground trying to keep that farm.
Speaker B:So whose dream are you trying to live here?
Speaker B:The person that we've lost or the.
Speaker B:You're yours.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And again, have that conversation.
Speaker B:I know this was your dream, but what if I had to sell it?
Speaker B:Because I can't do this without you get that permission?
Speaker B:So Then when you make that decision after they're gone, it's an easier decision and there's not guilt in it.
Speaker B:You want to be able to have that silent conversation with that person that's passed and say, hey, look, let's celebrate turning the chapter.
Speaker B:So if you don't have this, though, so that's assuming you had the conversations, you finished them all up.
Speaker B:If you haven't, if it's too late, the events already happened, you didn't have conversation.
Speaker B:You just.
Speaker B:There's too many things that you didn't talk about that you wish you had talked about.
Speaker B:Basically, you still got the same questions and uncertainty.
Speaker B:It's only now that person's not there to give you their insight.
Speaker B:You've got to make the decisions all by yourself.
Speaker B:So for those who have not gone through this yet or just starting to go through somebody at the point where they're concerned about passing away, have those conversations, because you're going to have to make all the decisions anyway.
Speaker B:At the end, the situation will be amplified by kind of the emotions and the grieving.
Speaker B:And it's really hard to change the page to move on from.
Speaker B:And I've seen people get stuck in this.
Speaker B:It's a little bit of a.
Speaker B:Like a purgatory type of situation where they can't quite turn the page because turning the page means that they feel that they're closing the chapter on their loved one.
Speaker B:Instead of saying, look, I've got this next chapter.
Speaker B:I have to live.
Speaker B:I'm going to bring this character forward with me in the form of memories and experiences, and we're going to keep them alive.
Speaker B:We're going to cheers to them on their birthday.
Speaker B:We're not going to pretend that they're just like they were never here.
Speaker B:We're going to try to cherish the.
Speaker B:The history that we had together, the experiences and the traditions that we made, and they'll forever be a part of that.
Speaker B:So I think that this is as much about the person who's going as it is about the person who's staying.
Speaker A:Yeah, I think if we bring kind of that first section.
Speaker A:I thought you did a really nice job of talking about.
Speaker A:Don't avoid the unfinished conversations.
Speaker A:Just don't let fear drive what you could be doing on your behalf.
Speaker A:But I know that we wanted to kind of shift a little bit to kind of what Don was talking about, because there was a decision or a question around moving or staying.
Speaker B:Don actually wants an answer.
Speaker A:Don wants an answer.
Speaker A:But that first part is helpful because, again, whether you've ever gone through losing a loved one or this is all new to you.
Speaker A:That first part is really important for now, talking about the decision to move or stay.
Speaker A:So why don't you add some context maybe then for Don as to some things he might want to consider.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So without considering the external factors and for today's conversation, external factors are finances.
Speaker B:We're going to do that in the next episode.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about money next episode.
Speaker B:When you're dealing with a love, losing a loved one, money becomes kind of like a funny thing.
Speaker B:You know, if there's, if there's true love in that relationship, sometimes money is the relationship.
Speaker B:So money's the only thing there.
Speaker B:It's, you know, there are unfortunately people that are together out of convenience and not out of love.
Speaker B:But let's assume that you love each other and it's not about the money.
Speaker B:Money becomes a kind of this funny thing that you just have to deal with that you'd rather not deal with because you're thinking about your loved one.
Speaker B:So we're going to first think about this outside of whether or not we have to do something because of money.
Speaker B:The first thing that I think about is the fact that you need to give yourself six to 12 months.
Speaker B:You have to go through a grieving process.
Speaker B:Even if you don't think, you have to.
Speaker B:Even if you don't think it's there, it's probably there.
Speaker B:You might just bury it or it might hit you late or something like that, or you might be in the process and not even realize it.
Speaker B:People grieve in different ways, but it takes a solid six to 12 months so that you don't do something knee jerk that then you can't get back.
Speaker B:Like I'm selling the property right now, right Immediately, right away, I boxed everything gone.
Speaker B:Well, you can't, you can't go back then.
Speaker B:You know what I mean?
Speaker B:Once it's gone, it's gone.
Speaker B:Versus giving yourself a little bit of time to let it settle in what's happened and where you are in life.
Speaker B:This next chapter.
Speaker B:So six to 12 months is kind of like a really healthy time period to give yourself, to figure out this, you know, where you're going with things, boxing things up and just getting out of town.
Speaker B:To me, that's running away from the problem.
Speaker B:And when you are dealing with this type of loss, what you need to be doing is running towards something.
Speaker B:What is it that's so exciting and important to you about the next chapter?
Speaker B:And that's something that you could Share.
Speaker B:If you have those conversations ahead of time with your significant other, what would you run towards?
Speaker B:And if you're in the situation where you've been diagnosed with something terminal, you should have that conversation with your loved one.
Speaker B:I want you to run towards something.
Speaker B:What is it that you want to do?
Speaker B:I give you my permission to do that.
Speaker B:I give you my blessing.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Or I hope that you will do that.
Speaker B:Let that be in their head when they're thinking about what they're going to do next instead of, gosh, you know, I've left them behind.
Speaker B:You know, if I've given you permission, I kind of go with you.
Speaker B:If I.
Speaker B:If I didn't give you permission, you kind of feel like you're cheating on me type of thing.
Speaker A:Well, before you even jump into the next one, I want to thank you.
Speaker A:You said the word giving permission.
Speaker A:Thank you for giving permission to a listener that it's okay to grieve.
Speaker A:And it's okay to grieve for as much time as you need, typically six to 12 months.
Speaker A:Because there are people that have well meaning intentions that will come in and just say, hey, it's time to move on, pick up the pieces.
Speaker A:But maybe somebody's never had somebody else tell them it's okay to grieve.
Speaker A:Because I'm struggling to work through these emotions.
Speaker A:This person's no longer here.
Speaker A:Everything reminds me of them.
Speaker A:That's a really good first step to help somebod to know you have every right to grieve.
Speaker A:So why don't you then, now that we know that, talk to us about maybe the second thing.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I would say that there's one caveat to that.
Speaker B:And I am not a grief counselor in this way, but I do think it's something that changes that grieving period and how you might act.
Speaker B:That's assuming that there's no abuse in the story.
Speaker B:If there's abuse in the story, I think it's a different story for a different day.
Speaker B:But we're kind of painting a picture today.
Speaker B:We're hoping that this was a loving, healthy household where people loved each other and took care of each other.
Speaker B:Good point.
Speaker B:So second, I come back to hopes and dreams about the property.
Speaker B:So you have this farm that you had together and how did you finish that conversation with that significant other before they passed?
Speaker B:Are those hopes and dreams still practical?
Speaker B:And who actually owned them?
Speaker B:So were those your hopes and dreams?
Speaker B:That other person's hopes and dreams, Were they both your hopes and dreams?
Speaker B:If they were, are they still practical?
Speaker B:Could you do it.
Speaker B:Who are you doing it for?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:You have to reconcile that because that's.
Speaker B:If you're going to do it for them, you can.
Speaker B:I'm not saying that you can't do something for somebody that you've lost, but you, you need to know that that's who you're doing it for.
Speaker B:That needs to be your.
Speaker B:Why?
Speaker B:Because that will give you energy and it will give you.
Speaker B:It will put you in the right path versus if you're just doing it because that's what you're doing and you don't know better and you feel guilty if you don't do it.
Speaker B:That's a really unhealthy cycle that can rob you of some of the pages of your next chapter, and you don't want to give that up for nothing.
Speaker B:So I think that there's a lot of emotions regarding the property.
Speaker B:If there's not emotions immediately, there probably will be.
Speaker B:Like if you put on the market and you turn the keys over at the closing, there would probably be a lot of emotions or maybe when you start going through and boxing things up or kind of putting the tags on things and saying what's going where and those types of things.
Speaker B:So there's a lot of emotions that are likely to hit you that, that are gonna, if, if you're not really rock solid in what you want to do and why you want to do it.
Speaker B:And like I said, having that permission to do it, those emotions are.
Speaker B:You have to be careful they don't knock you off the train tracks because they're going to come in waves.
Speaker B:You know, there's going to be days where you're really strong and there's going to be days where you're just getting your rear end kicked and, and you don't know why.
Speaker B:And it's just.
Speaker B:There's just waves of it and waves of it that come.
Speaker B:So you, you've really gotta reconcile those and understand that that's part of the process.
Speaker B:And it's not quick.
Speaker B:It's not like, okay, three days later, I'm fine.
Speaker B:It's, you know, it's six months, 12 months later, you're catching your breath finally.
Speaker B:And even then there's still bad days.
Speaker B:So for your own personal health, you might actually need to make a decision that trumps finances.
Speaker B:So when you say, hey, you know, if there's a question on the property regarding finances, finances don't do you any good.
Speaker B:If, if you have a stroke because you can't manage your stress, right?
Speaker B:So now I've seen people do ridiculously rash things and give things away, that they then have financial insecurity in the future.
Speaker B:So I'm not saying do that either.
Speaker B:But when it comes down to it, we need to be very careful about making decisions that are going to keep us healthy.
Speaker B:And what I mean by personally healthy is spiritual, physical or emotional, you know, mental well being.
Speaker B:There's a real value to that beyond money.
Speaker B:And so you could say, well, geez, I just don't want to pay these bills anymore.
Speaker B:You know, I, I want to get top dollar for something or something like that.
Speaker B:But then at the other day, you're end up at the other end of the spectrum.
Speaker B:You have to weigh the burden that you're carrying or that you may carry because of the decision.
Speaker B:And sometimes it's okay to say, look, I'm not making an optimal financial decision, not necessarily a horrible one, but not an optimal one.
Speaker B:And that's okay because it's getting me from point A to point B and I have to get to point B.
Speaker A:Yeah, you're raising a lot of great points.
Speaker A:And I'm thinking about a couple of conversations that I had recently too.
Speaker A:Death is something that is irrespective of our age, our race, our sex, it can come at any time.
Speaker A:And I know that there's a number of young couples that have lost a spouse with young kids at home.
Speaker A:And, you know, depending on which spouse is lost or who controlled the finances or who made the decisions, the grief and the life after, you know, that thrust people in.
Speaker A:None of us have any idea on the other side of death how we're going to respond.
Speaker A:I think you've, you've alluded to.
Speaker A:We have an understanding of how we typically respond to hard things.
Speaker A:The loss of a job, you know, a situation didn't go right.
Speaker A:But death is very different because it's so permanent.
Speaker A:And so even people that have, say, Travis, I, I don't.
Speaker A:This episode, I've got this all under control.
Speaker A:I know exactly what I would do.
Speaker A:Death, Death has a way of revealing parts of us.
Speaker A:So I think you've done a really nice job of helping people understand there's a grieving process.
Speaker A:Don't do anything, you know, too drastic.
Speaker A:And I think there was maybe a couple other things that you were going to address, you know, Don.
Speaker B:So Don's asking about his mom, and we think he's done.
Speaker B:So I apologize if it's not Don.
Speaker A:That's what the YouTube comments said.
Speaker B:YouTube comments said.
Speaker B:So Don is Don for now on.
Speaker B:But he.
Speaker B:Don had also asked about they feel they need to stay where they are because of Mom.
Speaker B:So now, without knowing the situation, I don't know any of the backstory behind how mom got there, why Mom's there, how's Mom's health?
Speaker B:Does she live alone?
Speaker B:Is she in a nursing facility?
Speaker B:I don't know anything about Mom.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But my first question is, have you talked to Mom?
Speaker B:Do we have an unfinished conversation here?
Speaker B:And, I mean, when you talk to mom, you talk to mom directly.
Speaker B:Mom, here's exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.
Speaker B:What are you thinking and failing.
Speaker B:Don't.
Speaker B:You can't beat around the bush.
Speaker B:And a lot of times we will beat around the bush because we don't want to influence mom, because mom will say, well, I just want you to be happy.
Speaker B:I'll do whatever you want me to do.
Speaker B:And you're thinking like, no, Mom, I want you to be happy.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That's unfair.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:If you are in pain, if you are hurting and you love your mom enough, and your mom loves you enough that she's close to you and you respect her enough to say, hey, you know, I don't want to burden her with a move.
Speaker B:You need to explain to her what's going on and what you're thinking.
Speaker B:You may think that you can hide things, but if you're that close to your mom, your mom's going to know that you're in pain.
Speaker B:And what do you do when you have loved ones that's in pain and you don't understand why they're in pain?
Speaker B:You try to help them, right?
Speaker B:And then when you try to help them and you can't help them, you can't crack that code of why they're in pain, what do you feel then?
Speaker B:You feel rejected, you feel pain yourself, you suffer.
Speaker B:So if you don't have the conversation with your mom about where your heart is with things and what you're going through, you're the one who lost somebody.
Speaker B:Now, she maybe had a relationship with this other person, too.
Speaker B:But ultimately, you're kind of in the hub of this whole discussion.
Speaker B:Have that conversation with Mom.
Speaker B:This is what's going on.
Speaker B:Because if you hide the pain, you actually could inflict more pain on her because she's watching you go through this, and she's like, oh, my gosh, how do I help this person?
Speaker B:And if she doesn't know, you know, it's not fair.
Speaker B:You're not having a conversation because it's a hard conversation, because you're trying to protect somebody who probably doesn't need Protection and who also is probably looking back at it going, I don't know what's going on.
Speaker B:I wish I could help.
Speaker B:Now they're not sleeping at night because they see what you're going through.
Speaker B:This is really, really hard advice.
Speaker B:But what I have experienced is most of the time, my role has always been giving the hard advice because nobody else is doing it.
Speaker B:Do not let mom be an excuse for inaction.
Speaker B:And I'm not saying that Don's doing that.
Speaker B:Don may have had these conversations with his mom.
Speaker B:He might.
Speaker B:Maybe his mom's met somebody and really wants to stay in town or can't afford to move or something like that.
Speaker B:But do not move and make your mom the excuse for not moving.
Speaker B:If you don't have the conversation with your mom, like I said, you're gonna hurt both of you, yourself and her.
Speaker B:If you do have the conversation, at least now you can know where you to refocus that little spark that you got.
Speaker B:Because what you're saying is from Don, I.
Speaker B:I see somebody who's very compassionate and very caring.
Speaker B:From this message, we'll talk about the financial.
Speaker B:He's very concerned about anybody who buys his farm, not overpaying for it.
Speaker B:Well, he's also very concerned about his mom.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So we've got somebody here Sumin.
Speaker B:Dan's a guy that cares very much about other people.
Speaker B:If you have the conversation with mom and mom says, this is where my heart is, I really need to stay here.
Speaker B:I'd love to be close to you, but I need to stay here.
Speaker B:This is so important to me.
Speaker B:Then you can make the decision to be part of that journey with mom and make that part of your journey and be proud of the fact that you're helping mom get what mom needs in that situation or wants.
Speaker B:If you.
Speaker B:If you don't have that, then you've got conflict.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Mom's holding me back from going someplace I can.
Speaker B:And that'll age poorly.
Speaker B:That always ages poorly.
Speaker B:It sounds really good and kind of romantic in the beginning.
Speaker B:We're here because Mom's here, and we're here to take care of her.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:After about five years of that, what happens is we're still here because of Mom.
Speaker B:You know, as soon as Mom's gone, we're leaving.
Speaker B:That's how that conversation evolves over time.
Speaker B:So don't make it that conversation.
Speaker B:Have a conversation with her.
Speaker B:You might also find out that mom goes look, because I've actually seen this happen with clients before.
Speaker B:They don't care where they live.
Speaker B:They really don't they just want to be close to their kids?
Speaker B:So they're like, yeah, go ahead and move, I'm coming.
Speaker B:Let me pack my stuff.
Speaker B:Tell me where we're going.
Speaker B:And they're ready to go.
Speaker B:So you might be surprised too if you have that conversation.
Speaker B:I just.
Speaker B:The best thing that you can do when you're dealing with this kind of stuff is talk to the people you trust.
Speaker A:Well, and Travis, you've done a masterful job over the years and presentations you and I have done together as we bring this episode to a close.
Speaker A:Just a reminder, we're going to do one more episode.
Speaker A:More talking to the financials of this, but you've done a really nice job over the years of whether it's death or long term care or diminished capacity.
Speaker A:Don't make it the conversation, the timing and the demeanor through which I think people have the right heart.
Speaker A:They want to say something, but the way in which they go about it can come off as an attack or doing it at the wrong time.
Speaker A:You know, we're coming into the holidays probably over the Thanksgiving or Christmas table, isn't the time to bring this up.
Speaker A:But if you are in the position of somebody who is either, you know, terminally ill, or you're just young and healthy, or you've never had a situation, learning how to bring this conversation up so you're both on the same page is I think, more of a timing issue in understanding the gravity or the weight of it too, where if somebody on the other side isn't prepared or knows that this conversation is coming, they can be alarmed if you bring something up in the wrong way.
Speaker A:So I just think over the years you've really given a lot of great advice around just being aware that this maybe have to be a series of conversations, knowing the timing of it, knowing the disposition of it, but at least being direct and honest about what's going on.
Speaker A:Don't be afraid of what isn't going to happen because many times the things that come out of it can be very healthy.
Speaker A:So, Don, we are committed to trying to help you give from our, you know, honest opinion and experience things that can help you, whether you've gone through something like this or, you know, somebody has, please consider sharing this episode.
Speaker A:And if you're wondering, hey, how do I leave a comment on YouTube?
Speaker A:Just a reminder, we have our NQR Media YouTube channel.
Speaker A:That's where you can watch all the episodes of Ditch the Suits.
Speaker A:Send us a comment.
Speaker A:Hopefully you know from this episode that Travis and I are real people just like you.
Speaker A:When we hear from you, we take to heart the things that matter to you.
Speaker A:And ditch the Suits is all about helping you get the most of your money in life.
Speaker A:One of the big conversations we can't avoid, the conversation around death.
Speaker A:It's heavy, but we have to have it.
Speaker A:So again, one more episode in this series to help you, Don, and anybody listening.
Speaker A:So thanks for stopping by.
Speaker A:There's the suits.
