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The Woman with the Father Wound & the Man with the Unworthiness Wound
Episode 8016th June 2023 • Masculine & Feminine Dynamics • Lorin Krenn
00:00:00 00:25:18

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Both parties in a relationship are responsible for the dynamic they co-create, and need to take ownership of their part in it.

Women need to become aware of when they are demanding the impossible and when their desire for safety and for the man to hold space for them is coming from a place of wounding.

Men need to set clear boundaries and speak their truth courageously, without bending themselves to meet unrealistic expectations.

In this episode, Lorin shares how we can interrupt the patterns that prevent us from showing up as our true selves in a relationship.

Mentioned in this episode:

Healing Your Relationship with the Masculine: Starting 21st April 2024
Open and trust again. Learn everything you need to know about men in order to be the most embodied and conscious woman you can be in your current or future relationship.

Transcripts

Lorin:

Today I am going to talk about a specific relationship dynamic that I've seen again and again.

Lorin:

I call this dynamic the woman with the father wound and the man with the unworthiness wound.

Lorin:

This is the dynamic where seemingly, no matter how a man shows up, no matter what it does, no matter how hard he tries, nothing seems to be enough for the woman.

Lorin:

She seems to demand the impossible for him from him.

Lorin:

And in response to this, he tries harder and harder to please her, to meet her expectations.

Lorin:

Both end up feeling disappointed, both end up feeling resentment, and both in this dynamic end up feeling unworthy.

Lorin:

Here in this dynamic, the two wounds feed each other perfectly and often the woman gets labeled as the one who brings all the trauma, the woman with the dead issues.

Lorin:

However, a dynamic is always co-created.

Lorin:

In this dynamic, both are part of this dynamic, both are feeding this dynamic and both are coming from a place of wounding.

Lorin:

If a man embodies his awakened masculine core, he would not find himself in such a dynamic.

Lorin:

And today I will share with you why this dynamic gets created, what lies at the root of it, and how you can shift out of it, whether you are a man or a woman.

Lorin:

I will also share with you your unique responsibility in this dynamic in order to shift out of it.

Lorin:

Also, please feel free to exchange men and woman with person.

Lorin:

I use heterosexual language for poetic reasons and simplicity.

Lorin:

Yet these dynamics are universal and masculine and feminine energies are not gender specific.

Lorin:

Welcome to the Master and Feminine Dynamics podcast.

Lorin:

My name is Loren Krenn, and I am a relationship coach.

Lorin:

I help you to embody your awakened masculine and awakened feminine in relationships and life.

Lorin:

Let's dive in.

Lorin:

Now, there are infinite ways how this dynamic gets created in the first place.

Lorin:

And it's important to note that the father wound in woman not always shows up in the way I describe in this particular dynamic.

Lorin:

It can show up in a very different way, but today we're gonna focus on this specific dynamic.

Lorin:

Now, when a woman has a father wound, that can be for an emotionally absent father, a father who died early, who left early, or any wounded relationship with her father, which of course always translates into a wounded relationship with the masculine because the father is the first touching point, the first experience of the masculine in general for a woman.

Lorin:

That's why it often translates.

Lorin:

No woman decides, oh, because of my father disappointed me or there's a wounded relationship with my father, now, I think the following about all men, this just happens from a very young, young age because it's the first experience with the masculine.

Lorin:

But a woman with a father wound is often looking for the love, safety, and stability she's never received from her father in another man.

Lorin:

She's specifically in this dynamic looking for a form of love that only a father can provide, and no man can ever give her.

Lorin:

This is already where the whole thing comes from a wounded place because she is looking for a form of safety, for a form of love that only a father could have given her.

Lorin:

No man in an intimate relationship can give that.

Lorin:

You listening as a man, you cannot create that safety, but this is where the hero complex, this is where your own unworthiness, where your own wounding comes up.

Lorin:

What most likely comes up here is that you want to be this perfect man.

Lorin:

You want to be this man that, that, that meets her, that gives her that unconditional safety and that unconditional love.

Lorin:

But you are trying to give her something that you cannot give her, no matter how powerful you are, no matter how awakened you are.

Lorin:

So the whole dynamic already is set up for failure, is set up for suffering, is set up for disconnect.

Lorin:

She is looking to be held to be unconditionally accepted and loved.

Lorin:

Now, of course you, as a woman listening, you might say, but of course I, I want to be unconditionally loved and accepted and held, and I want the masculine, I want him to create safety for me.

Lorin:

And of course, you are looking for that because in the dance of intimacy, it is the respon energetic responsibility of the masculine to create safety.

Lorin:

However, when there is a father wound, that natural, conscious, loving desire of your wise feminine heart of your oracle gets hijacked by this wound, and now you're looking for a kind of safety.

Lorin:

You're looking for a kind of acceptance and unconditionally being held that only a father can.

Lorin:

Let's use a very important example that allows us to distinguish between the two.

Lorin:

When you were a young girl, Ideally, let's say you had a, let's say you were expressing upset or you were crying.

Lorin:

Ideally, no matter how you showed up as a young girl, even if you made the experience very difficult for your father in that moment, no matter how you show up, the father is meant to create unconditional safety, to be there to hold you unconditionally.

Lorin:

That is what the father in an ideal world is meant to do.

Lorin:

There shouldn't be any form of conditions around him creating safety ,around him, being there for you as you are a young girl.

Lorin:

Now, this is where it gets confused.

Lorin:

Because while a father should give that no matter how a child shows up, he should always be there and gifted, this is different in our intimate life when we are adults and we're mature adults and want to create a conscious relationship, you cannot have that, that desire to be held, to be, that safety is being created for you, that you are loved and embraced unconditionally no matter how you show up.

Lorin:

This comes from a place of wounding, because for instance, if you are projecting your shadow onto him, then he cannot show up for you without disrespecting, denying and disconnecting from his own truth.

Lorin:

If you are a man listening to this feel into this.

Lorin:

If you have to disconnect from your deepest truth in order to please her, in order to create safety for her, then this comes from a place of wounding.

Lorin:

Then you are not living in your truth.

Lorin:

You are not embodying your awakened masculine core.

Lorin:

You are bending yourself and trying to be something that you are not, in order to meet our expectations with comes from a place of deep unworthiness because you pedestalize her.

Lorin:

You see her as the person who tells you Now you are worthy, and you are willing to do everything it takes.

Lorin:

Bend forwards and backwards, change how you truly are, deny, disconnect from your own truth in order to receive this sense of approval.

Lorin:

And oh, now you are worthy.

Lorin:

Now I feel safe.

Lorin:

Now that you are the perfect man.

Lorin:

And this comes, of course, from the.

Lorin:

From often we call this the hero complex.

Lorin:

You're trying to be the hero.

Lorin:

Um, but you can never be that person because that's a fantasy, that's fiction.

Lorin:

It doesn't exist.

Lorin:

Now, of course, as a woman, you can, you can expect a man, and you desire man to create safety, but there has to be that, that prerequisite that you are not pushing him completely away because your wise feminine heart, your oracle is not pushing him away and then demanding from him Now, create safety for me.

Lorin:

And let's use a harsh example.

Lorin:

Let's say you say really something disrespectful below the belt, you are not a man, you are not man enough or whatever.

Lorin:

And then now I want you to create safety for me, it's just not going to work because there has been such a strong disrespect.

Lorin:

Even if you would do something, it no longer comes from a place of truth

Lorin:

And here is the other thing.

Lorin:

You set everything up for failure, or your wound sets everything up for failure because you don't want him to please you and show up while he disrespects his own truth, because essentially that means he's not, um, not in his power.

Lorin:

And then you might even subconsciously resent him for not stepping up and setting boundaries.

Lorin:

So the whole thing creates, uh, a, a dynamic where it's impossible for both to, um, go to a deeper level, for both to experience deeper intimacy, deeper trust and and safety.

Lorin:

And of course, this dynamic is entirely dysfunctional.

Lorin:

In fact, it is toxic.

Lorin:

It is possible to shift this.

Lorin:

However, both need to take radical responsibility for their unique part in it.

Lorin:

And we'll also get very practical in how you can shift in how you can heal this.

Lorin:

Now, let's go a little bit deeper into that sense of safety that woman is looking for.

Lorin:

When the woman is looking for a sense of safety that a man cannot give her when she wants, when you want him to hold space, be there for you no matter what, only what a father will do.

Lorin:

The key here is that you need to cultivate some sense of safety within you.

Lorin:

You need to heal your father wounds.

Lorin:

Otherwise, he will be the person to blame for your lack of safety.

Lorin:

And yes, it is important for him to create safety, but for you, every person needs to create some level of safety in their own body.

Lorin:

And if you have never received that, which comes from a father wound, a, a lack of safety in our own body.

Lorin:

And if you don't work through that, then you are going to blame him for your lack of safety in general.

Lorin:

Not in the relationship, but in general as a person, as a woman.

Lorin:

And of course that is not going to work, because we have to walk our own path of healing and we cannot expect someone else to give us something that only we can create.

Lorin:

Yes, he can create safety for you in the relationship, but he cannot create a sense of safety inside yourself if you have never experienced that inside yourself, apart from a relationship before.

Lorin:

Unless you are open to that and you are taking ownership of that shadow and you are voicing that consciously, then of course you are letting him into your heart, and then of course that is a possibility.

Lorin:

Nothing is black and white.

Lorin:

And also spirituality can become an escape here.

Lorin:

There is a huge trap that both men and women in this dynamic can fall into.

Lorin:

So as a woman, you fall into the dynamic of okay, the divine masculine creates safety, and there is then this dynamic of, okay, he needs to create safety and, and, and he's just not doing enough, and he's not doing this enough and not dead enough.

Lorin:

And your wound, your shadow can use this to keep feeding these wounds.

Lorin:

So nothing he ever does is enough.

Lorin:

Just like the experience with your father.

Lorin:

He disappointed you, and now you subconsciously recreate that experience.

Lorin:

You set him up for failure.

Lorin:

No matter what he does, it is not enough.

Lorin:

And even if he shows up, then he's going against his own truth, which is also not, of course, what you desire at the deepest level.

Lorin:

So there can be a trap that, the feminine desired safety or that he holds space no matter what.

Lorin:

And the trap that the Masker falls into is trying to become this ideal, trying to become this perfect knight in shining armor, trying to be this perfect, awakened masculine man.

Lorin:

The hero who heals your father wound Just by how powerfully he shows up.

Lorin:

And that of course, doesn't work.

Lorin:

We can do a lot for our partner.

Lorin:

We can show up really powerfully.

Lorin:

But we all have to do our own work and have to take responsibility for our own things.

Lorin:

So very, very important that the spirituality and the dynamics, the shadow loves to use spirituality in order to keep feeding itself.

Lorin:

The shadow loves to use these things in order to feed the wounds.

Lorin:

Very important to be aware.

Lorin:

The teaching needs to be embodied at a deeper level and not be used in the name of the shadow.

Lorin:

Oh, and we'll do a, definitely a podcast episode about this, uh, the shadow work, how the shadow hijacks our own shadow work, and then it becomes in the name of the shadow ultimately, which is, but that's a spiritual journey.

Lorin:

That's a journey of awakening.

Lorin:

It's not an easy journey.

Lorin:

Will require all of you because there are many traps.

Lorin:

One can fall into.

Lorin:

And the work of the seeker is to see through it, to remain conscious, to remain devoted to the highest path, to the highest realization of freedom.

Lorin:

Now, in order to shift this dynamic, the first thing to be aware of is that there is a lot of blaming going on.

Lorin:

The man blames the woman.

Lorin:

Ah, she with her daddy issues.

Lorin:

The woman blames the man.

Lorin:

Ah, he's just not man enough.

Lorin:

He's not stepping up.

Lorin:

No.

Lorin:

You have to take responsibility for your part in it.

Lorin:

Blaming the other party is neglecting your responsibility and saying they are responsible for the dynamic.

Lorin:

You are in the dynamic, which means you are 50% responsible for this dynamic as well.

Lorin:

The first, there are exceptions to this, by the way, but usually in a dynamic like this, 50 50, the responsibility.

Lorin:

Now let's talk about the unique responsibility for the woman.

Lorin:

As a woman, the most important thing is that you become aware when you are demanding the impossible.

Lorin:

When your desire for safety and for him to hold space for you is coming from a place of wounding, is coming from your shadow and not from your wise feminine heart and not from your oracle.

Lorin:

How do you notice this?

Lorin:

I'll give you a quick tip here.

Lorin:

For instance, when no matter what he does, you only get more frustrated, even if he shows up powerfully, even if he really is there.

Lorin:

But.

Lorin:

It's never enough, and you get more frustrated and more angry and you project your shadow more on him, that is a surefire sign that you are coming from your shadow and you are not coming from your oracle.

Lorin:

Because if you come from your orca, then if he shows up a somatic experience of a relaxation, a sense of softening will arise within your body, because he is stepping up.

Lorin:

He's stepping, he's onboarding his awakened masculine core, and now you relax deeper into your awakened feminine essence, into your, into your divine nature.

Lorin:

And this is the dance of intimacy.

Lorin:

But coming from your shadow and demanding the impossible is not the dance of intimacy.

Lorin:

And again, the shadow loves to use this.

Lorin:

So ask yourself, where am I coming from?

Lorin:

If you notice yourself just getting more agitated, more agitated, then you most likely are coming from a place of shadow.

Lorin:

But please be mindful.

Lorin:

Don't go into the other extreme here, where you now disconnect from the part inside you that desire safety and for him to hold space for you.

Lorin:

Because some women might now start to, when they do this work, they go into place of doubt in a sense of What if it's all my shadow?

Lorin:

What if it's all my shadow?

Lorin:

But no, of course there is a natural desire, it's just hijacked by the shadow.

Lorin:

So it's not about getting rid of that desire.

Lorin:

It's not about now you going into being a pleaser and, and not expressing your desires.

Lorin:

The work is becoming aware of where you are coming from.

Lorin:

And when you are aware, when you see that you're coming from your shadow, then take ownership.

Lorin:

And how do you take ownership?

Lorin:

By letting him know that you are sorry about what you said to him or that you are right now in your shadow.

Lorin:

You might want to take a moment.

Lorin:

Hey, baby, I'm right now in my shadow.

Lorin:

And what I say is not a true reflection of how I feel about you and how I see you.

Lorin:

And I'm just gonna take a moment to reconnect with myself if that is what you need.

Lorin:

If the momentum of the shadow and the energy is too strong and too high, then that, that can be very powerful.

Lorin:

Because when you take ownership, when you let him know that you're coming from your shadow, it creates a pattern interrupt in this dynamic.

Lorin:

Interrupts the dynamic of how usually the wounds feed each other perfectly.

Lorin:

Boom.

Lorin:

There is an interrupt in that dynamic because suddenly you are expressing that you're coming from your shadow.

Lorin:

You are letting him in rather than pushing him away.

Lorin:

And as you let him in, he can create that sense of safety in a healthy way.

Lorin:

He can show up for you and you can both connect deeper and have a deeply healing experience to have the complete opposite of, of how usually this dynamic plays out.

Lorin:

This allows him to exhale with relief.

Lorin:

He has a break from constantly trying to play the hero and fe and, and not living up to the expectations, which are ultimately a fantasy, which aren't ideal.

Lorin:

And he's as much trapped in this as you are most likely, if you're both completely in this dynamic.

Lorin:

You have to become conscious of where you are coming from.

Lorin:

You have to take ownership of that and be mindful of where are you pushing him away and setting him up for failure, subconsciously recreating an experience, the wounded relation with your father, that men disappoint you, that men cannot be there for you, and how can you actually invite him into your heart?

Lorin:

Um, you can do this by vulnerably expressing your feminine heart, letting him know that you're coming from your shadow, and that this is not reflecting how you truly feel about him.

Lorin:

Now the unique responsibility for the man here is to, the pattern interrupt for the man is to set very clear boundaries.

Lorin:

This might sound like the following.

Lorin:

I am here for you when you need me.

Lorin:

I want to create safety for you.

Lorin:

But for instance, calling me names or talking to me in this way is deeply disrespectful.

Lorin:

I want to be there for you, but I cannot if you show up in this way.

Lorin:

Now, of course, speak your truth.

Lorin:

Don't just take these words, stand your ground.

Lorin:

Allow them to come from your deepest truth, not from a place of, of your shadow, of being in a state of emotional reactivity, but from your grounded power, from your grounded presence, because this will be infinitely amplified and infinitely powerful ultimately.

Lorin:

And of course, also be mindful of how your shadow might use this then, um, Okay.

Lorin:

If you show up in this way, I can't be there for you.

Lorin:

That's not what I'm talking about, right?

Lorin:

That's why it's so subtle, these energy, energy dynamics here.

Lorin:

But for instance, if she's calling you names, if she's clearly deeply disrespecting you, then of course that is not coming from her oracle.

Lorin:

And then you will set a very clear boundary, and you can do this by standing in your power, by letting her know, yes, I want to be there for you, but if you show up or call me this way or show up in this disrespectful way, then I cannot be there for you.

Lorin:

Like a really powerful, fiercely loving boundary.

Lorin:

And deep down, if the woman, if you as the woman are ready to shift and you are already taking ownership of it, then this will paradoxically allow you to feel safe because he's coming from his truth.

Lorin:

And your oracle, your deepest nature, wants him to come from his deepest truth, even if it is uncomfortable for your own shadow.

Lorin:

You don't want him to please you or to put you on a pedestal.

Lorin:

You want him to speak his truth courageously and to stand in, in and to express the fierceness of love if necessary.

Lorin:

Now you might ask, what if one party does not take responsibility?

Lorin:

Let's go into this.

Lorin:

If the man doesn't take responsibility, and for instance, the woman starts to shift by becoming aware of where she, where you are coming from and letting him in, rather than pushing him away and setting him up for failure, you then will definitely create more harmony.

Lorin:

But still, if the man does not work on his hero complex or works on his pleaser, being the nice guy, um, then you won't experience the strong intimacy and the depth that you both deeply desire because there is clearly a lack of dark masculine energy.

Lorin:

There is a lack of ability for, from him to stand his ground, to speak his truth, to embody the warrior archetype.

Lorin:

So even though if the woman takes responsibility here, it doesn't automatically heal this.

Lorin:

It might shift that.

Lorin:

It will definitely shift the dynamic, but it doesn't mean that the dynamic dynamic now shifts into the highest evolution.

Lorin:

That is why both need to step up, because both are bringing their wounding in.

Lorin:

And because the man needs to cultivate his dark masculine energy, the man needs to cultivate his ability to stand in his truth powerfully.

Lorin:

I teach this in my Awakened Masculine programs.

Lorin:

And if the woman doesn't take responsibility, then through setting boundaries, the relationship will most likely fall apart.

Lorin:

So what can happen here is that the man takes responsibility.

Lorin:

The woman isn't taking responsibility.

Lorin:

He's setting boundaries, but she's so deeply trapped in that far wounds, that basically she cannot hear him.

Lorin:

She cannot open her heart, and she cannot inter um, she doesn't want to see or take responsibility of her shadow.

Lorin:

And then of course, she pushes him even further away, leaving him with no other choice but to leave her.

Lorin:

That is what she needs at her level of consciousness and awakening in that moment in order to learn, in order to experience a, a deep lesson from this.

Lorin:

And of course, how you can really deeply heal the father wound and heal your relation relationship with the masculine, I teach this in my Awakened Feminine programs.

Lorin:

Now, I've really talked about what is the root of this dynamic?

Lorin:

And what is the unique responsibility?

Lorin:

The unique responsibility, again, of the family is to become aware of where you are coming from and letting him in rather than pushing him away.

Lorin:

And as the masculine is to cultivate dark masculine energy.

Lorin:

Is to cultivate the warrior archetype to move from hero to conscious warrior.

Lorin:

And when you both take that responsibility, then you can both shift the dynamic entirely because you interrupt the pattern.

Lorin:

And now the wounds cannot feed from each other anymore because you have interrupted a pattern and you are now creating a new conscious, loving reality for both of you.

Lorin:

The relationship that you both want to truly deep down experience.

Lorin:

Thank you so much for listening to this episode.

Lorin:

Now if you want to go deeper into this work, I invite you to check out the show notes or to head over to lorinkrenn.com.

Lorin:

If this has impacted you, or if the podcast is impacting your life, then it would mean the world to me if you shared with someone whom you feel who could benefit from this.

Lorin:

And of course, if you shared on your socials, the more people it reaches, the more impact we can have on the global awakening, on the global level of consciousness.

Lorin:

And this is what this is all about at the deepest level.

Lorin:

So thank you so much again for listening.

Lorin:

Thank you for being here.

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