On the first Episode of Tales From Discovia, Emily invites Historian and Professor Pete Langstead to give an overview of Discovia. We also hear a tale from the famous Discovian Poet Bünt Cäk.

- [Emily] Hi! I'm Emily.

(harp music plays)

A PhD student at Oxdale University.

While researching folklore from

Eastern Europe for my studies,

I took an ancestry DNA test

and discovered my roots are strongly tied

to a country I had never heard of.

(Tales of Discovia stinger plays)

- [E] Discovia. The border nation.

In an attempt to know

more about my heritage,

I have made it my goal

to educate myself on this nation's

rich culture, history, and folklore.

On that path, I will be interviewing

experts, historians, elders,

and just about anyone who can

lift the veil on where I come from.

There are "Tales From Discovia".

(Tales From Discovia theme music plays)

- [E] On this episode,

I interview historian Pete Langstead,

who will give me an overview on Discovia,

it's history, and what

he knows of the culture.

Thank you for coming, Pete.

- [Pete Langstead] Oh yes, well,

the pleasure is mine.

- [E] And how did your

interest with Discovia begin?

- [P] Well, about 45 years ago,

I was travelling through Eastern Europe

during my university days,

when I lost my passport

outside of G-G-Germany.

I was sent to a holding facility

while I awaited my– my new

passport to be cleared, and

and it happened to be within

the northwestern region of Discovia.

- [E] What a dilemma!

- [P] (chuckles) Indeed it was, but

while I was there, I had the good fortune

of speaking with a Discovian who–

who was travelling through.

Thankfully, they wanted to

practice their English, and

so we struck up a conversation

that lasted for hours.

- [E] Aw, how wholesome.

- [P] Yes, it was brilliant, really.

We ended up writing a few

letters back and forth, and

eventually I went to visit him

and his family just outside

of the capital of Lugingraz.

- [E] How did you find it compared

to your travels elsewhere?

- [P] Fascinating! Yes.

I– I became enamoured with

the history especially.

It's one of the world's

most forgotten places.

It t-turns out we owe a lot to Discovia

in terms of their contributions to culture–

- [E] Oh, before we get too specific...

Do you mind sharing an overview

of Discovia for our listeners?

I don't believe many of them

will be too familiar with it.

- [P] (chuckles) Oh yes yes, of course, I–

I tend to launch into stories,

being a historian, so

please feel free to steer me

in the right direction, if I–

if I get too off course. (laughs heartily)

- [E] It's not a problem.

Please continue. (chuckles)

- [P] Right. Yes.

Discovia is the world's

second longest country.

Often called "the Border Nation",

it very literally sits

between the borders of

several countries in Eastern Europe.

In total, it's about

two and a half kilometres wide,

making it the thinnest

country in the world,

and at present it is about

2000 kilometres long.

- [E] Yes, I assume the borders

have changed once or twice.

- [P] (scoffs) "Once or twice"

would be an understatement.

Eh, the country has gone through

so many border changes,

with the evolution of

the Baltic States, for example,

that many of the maps

refuse to label it at all.

- [E] Ha, like New Zealand a bit.

- [P] (laughs heartily) Well–

Well yes, I s'pose, though

it has been a country for far longer.

- [E] How long exactly?

- [P] Well, like much surrounding Discovia,

there are competing strands

of evidence around that question,

but eh officially, Discovia was

recognised as a country

in 1918, along with some

of the other Baltic States.

However it is eh

its existence as a territory,

and its people date back much longer still.

The original drawn border

dates back to mid-2nd century,

between the Roman Empire and–

and Germania.

That was the first line

where the settlers of the area

started to form their own identity.

- [E] That's incredible.

I would never have thought

that the Discovians

would have the means to

defend themselves for that long.

- [P] Well, it's interesting

that you say that.

The Discovians have

long been understood to be

stewards of the traveller.

And for that reason,

they were mostly well-liked,

a-and not bothered, really.

When they first met resistance, they would

often seek help from

the opposing border nation,

but they developed other means of defence,

some which helped establish

long cultural traditions.

- [E] And that reminds me of

a story I found in my research.

- [P] Oh.

(Tales From Discovia theme music plays)

- [E] As we explore

Discovia's rich history,

I am reminded of the resilience

of its earliest settlers,

and one of Discovia's lesser-known poets,

Bünt Cäk.

Much like Aesop, Bünt Cäk's tales

transcend time and location.

However, his execution by

made it illegal to share the texts,

or recite his tales audibly.

The survival of these tales are a result

of them being transcribed

by foreign priests at the time.

This particular tale reflects

the early tribes of Discovia's

wariness of strangers,

and has been translated

by English scholars.

"The Girl With Bad Croup",

a tale by Bünt Cäk..

(birds tweet)

(pleasant piano music plays)

- [E] "Deep in the grass fields,

there lived a small village of mud farmers.

"They worked and

made trade with travellers

"who passed through

to other lands.

"They lived happily this way,

"and were always very generous

to their foreign guests.

"So much so that their

walls of thorns were removed,

"and fashioned into

intricate thorny arches."

"'We shall welcome all to our village!'

"spake the town sultan."

(birds chirp)

"'Let any passerby be given a free ration

of mud and grass for their travels!

"'Their word shall travel,

"'and our village shall be known

for its generosity and kind nature.'

''Huzzah!' cheered the village,

and on they went."

(quiet cheering)

(piano music plays)

"From that day forth, the village gifted

mud and grass to every weary traveller,

"ne'er asking for gifts in return."

(piano music plays)

"Before long, the sultan's words rang true,

"and the small village grew

to a mighty city."

(quiet cityscape sounds)

- [E] "Nations near and far

"would know of its significance,

and in times of peace,

"it was regarded as a safe haven

for the tired and weak."

(quiet cityscape sounds)

- [E] "However,

"times of peace do not linger."

(somber fiddle music plays)

"And the stinky fingers of war

were soon stretching into these lands.

"Tales of pillaging armies

and famine reached the city,

"and many sick and injured folk

took refuge there.

"'Whatever shall we do?!'

the townsfolk cried.

"'Our mud is thin and our grass

is turning with the sun.

"'We can no longer afford

to give so freely!'

"'Nonsense,' spake the sultan.

"'We shall resume life as we have.

"'These harsh times do not last.'

"But last they did."

(somber fiddle music plays)

(war horn blows)

(wind howls)

- [E]"War woth now upon the city.

"and many of the sick had been

"quarantined to the older settlements

outside the gates."

(somber fiddle music plays)

"One of the sick and injured

woth a small girl,

"nay more than four seasons.

"She wondered the fields, fighting

the rabbits for her daily grass.

"Unable to spake,

she communed in a rasp cough."

(baby coughs)

"So loud and gross wath her cough,

(baby continues coughing)

"the rabbits would flee at the sound of it.

(baby continues coughing)

"Then one day,

"a large army came to the city walls."

(quiet marching boots)

"They took their torches to the grass,

"salted the mud,

(fire roars)

"and killed the townsfolk and sultan.

"As the army left the city burning,

"the mighty general looked to

the settlements outside the gates.

"'We hath missed thar settlements, general!

Shall we go back?', said a soldier.

"The general peered into the distance

(quiet fire crackles)

"and saw the girl with bad croup,

(baby coughs)

"her coughs so loud and gross

"that the soldiers could hear it

over the large blaze.

"'Nay!' spake the general.

(baby continues coughing)

"'The sick shall spread disease

through our ranks!

"'I will not permit it!'

"And so the army marched on.

"The townsfolk saw this

and praised the girl.

"From that moment on,

"when travellers were

seen at the forest edge,

"the village would emit a mighty cough

"that could be heard

the length of the mountains.

"The travellers would avoid the peoples

"And the village was

never brought to harm."

- [P] Eh I'm so happy to hear that

you're familiar with

the works of Bünt Cäk.

I think he's one of the most

unsung poets of his time!

- [E] Oh, I agree.

His stories are still so relevant to today.

Now, Professor Langstead,

I would like to ask you some more

specific questions I've

prepared for the day.

They may jump around a bit,

if you dont mind that.

- [P] Oh, not at all!

Please, fire away!

- [E] I did have a question actually

um about Bünt Cäk himself.

Now you mentioned that

he was executed by the church.

Can you tell us a bit more about that?

- [P] Yes, well it's quite a

troubling story, really.

The church at that point in time

had a firm grasp on Discovia.

Trying to subdue any education or

further uprising from the poorer regions

who were dealing with

a grass famine at the time.

Now, Bünt Cäk seemed to be akin to

a mad prophet for those Discovians.

The church tried to

bury this story long ago,

but the records that we can point to

from foreign scholars and poets

seem to suggest that he

had started gaining a bit of a following

in the northern reaches of Discovia,

where he would speak to large crowds

about agricultural practices

in other places.

Eh he often spoke of the potato,

or "grass apple" as it was

known in those days.

- [E] Yeah.

- [P] And the church

had quite a restricted belief that

the only holy food was grass.

Now, of course a modern day

interpretation would be that

grass kept the people tired and weak,

and the church in power, so

it's all a bit grim, really.

- [E] Oh, fascinating.

Thank you, Professor. (chuckles)

Um, now not– (chuckles)

not to get too morbid, um

but I just– I feel like this might

be quite interesting for the listeners.

Um I have seen a few etchings...

Now obviously they're

quite hard to come by.

Of Bünt Cäk, um...

in relation to his death.

And he always seems to be

upside-down in those etchings.

Can you– Can you tell us a bit

more perhaps about the

method of his execution?

(chuckles awkwardly)

- [P] It's funny you bring up

his death, actually.

Yes, the etchings are correct

as they stand.

Even though they–

they look upside-down.

Well, lynchings or hangings were quite

popular around the world at this time.

But it seemed that the Discovians either

purposely had their own

twist to the method,

or that they just didn't

quite get the memo on

how to properly hang someone.

- [E] Mm.

- [P] So, instead of by the neck,

which would be customary at the time,

they hung Bünt Cäk by his toes,

or "piggy wiggies" as they were known.

- [E] Oh. Mm-hmm.

- [P] Now strangely enough,

his toes did not break when he was hung.

Miraculously, the story goes that

eh his toes began to stretch,

which was seen as a sort of sign of the

prophecy coming to fruition at the time.

This news quickly spread

throughout the land and

to this day, some Discovians

are born with an extra long

index toe or middle toe,

which is seen as a blessing from God

that you are kind of

carrying on the– or a

descendant from Bünt Cäk.

- [E] Professor, you will not

believe this, but I...

actually often been teased by

my own long toes. (chuckles)

- [P] No kidding!

My goodness! And– It's– It's–

- [E] Yeah.

(Emily chuckles)

- [P] Would you mind just–

Might– It might seem a bit forward, but

might I– might I examine

your– your elbow?

- [E] No, let me just um...

Oh, my elbow?

- [P] Yes, yes.

- [E] Sorry, I thought you were

going to say my toes,

I went to take my shoes off. (laughs)

- [P] No, well, no no no, the–

- [P] It's fine, I believe you on the toes.

- [E] You don't want that– Yeah.

- [P] But if I could just see

the end of your elbow.

- [E] Absolutely, yes.

- [P] Yes, that's very interesting indeed.

(coughs) You see, female Discovians

often possess an exquisite trait

that runs in the ethnic lines of that area.

A long, calloused protrusion of the

skin on the elbow,

or the "weenus" as it's known.

Eh so the– the calloused, long weenus

seems to, at least on your right arm,

be ever-present.

- [E] It is, I've always been so

self-conscious about that. (chuckles)

- [P] Whereas, it's actually– it's–

In– In Discovia, it's known to be um

attractive. Yes, well it was.

- [E] Oh, stop it. (chuckles)

- [P] You would be a movie star over there.

- [E] Oh.

I do believe, with your long toe

and your calloused weenus.

You would be wonderful!

- [E] I'll have to tell my mum that.

(Emily laughs)

- [P] Yes, yes. Oh, please do.

Now which side of the family is Discovian?

- [E] Um, it's on my father's side.

- [P] Oh yes, on your

father's side, oh yes.

Now does you father– does he have

a bit of a harsh stare about him,

or a bit of a wide eye, as it were?

- [E] Um yeah, yeah just the one eye, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, we can um–

but we often tease him

when he gets angry um, because it

does tend to protrude quite a bit.

- [P] Yes, you see the bulging eyes

of Discovia are another one.

We– We don't have too much time

to disclose them today,

but I'm sure if you get

a medical professional who's

pro– familiar with such things,

they could give you a more educated answer.

I will "stay in my lane", as it were.

(chuckles)

Historical accounts.

- [E] Yes, well

thank goodness I didn't um

inherit that one. (chuckles)

(Emily sniffs)

- [P] (chuckles) Oh yes, not that's

more common in the males of Discovia.

- [E] Yeah, oh.

Yeah, thank goodness for that.

Um, now Professor,

bringing it back to um...

Bünt Cäk's story that we heard today,

and uh "The Girl With The Bad Croup"

that of um open mouth coughing,

sort of where that all originated.

- [P] Yes.

- [E] Um, now I find this

absolutely fascinating, but...

also like surely this has

implications on health within Discovia.

Like do people in Discovia get sick more

often because of this open-mouth coughing?

- [P] Yes, well we do have evidence that

quite a few of these early tribes were–

were dying out. They were

quite nomadic really, but–

But shortly after this period,

incredibly there are historic accounts

of the Discovians

having incredible immunity.

Mostly due to communal sickness sharing

amongst these villages,

most likely due to the open-mouth coughing.

Eh almost a primate version of–

of a pox party, as it were.

Instead thi– This was

only done at the time

to ward off intruders and

armies passing through the area.

But the knock-on effect that it had

was making their

immune systems much stronger

than the average Eastern European.

- [E] That's incredible.

So does that mean that... Discovia fared

quite well with– with Covid, for example?

- [P] Well... That's a

fascinating question, really.

Eh to be fair, I am more familiar

with the historic accounts of Discovia,

rather than the more recent accounts

of– of Covid in that area.

But I would be interested to know

if this has had a lasting effect.

We should definitely look into it.

- [E] We ask our listeners

not to look up this information

'cause the results are quite upsetting.

Well! That's about all

we have time for today.

But thank you so much for

taking the time to discuss Discovia.

- [P] Eh the pleasure is mine, Emily.

I wish you well in your research,

and oh I'll happily join again, if needed.

- [E] I would like that, thank you.

(theme music plays quietly)

- [E] Next time on "Tales From Discovia".

(dramatic transition sound plays)

- [Speaker One] The digger guy

knew straight away, he did.

Knew it were the long pig.

(tense music plays quietly)

Course we had no idea

what it meant, I mean,

I knew from his face we'd struck gold.

- [Speaker Two] His eyes were

like saucers, they were. (chuckles)

- [S1] It could only be

(with dramatic echo) The Curse.

(dramatic transition sound plays)

(theme music plays quietly)

- [Charlie] "Tales From Discovia" is

written and created by Kevin Orlando,

Charlie Potter, and David Bowers-Mason.

Original music by Jono Weston,

and artwork by David Bowers-Mason.

"The Girl With The Bad Croop"

writtend by Kevin Orlando.

Mixed and edited by Kevin Orlando.

(theme music fades out)