Shownotes
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Have you ever prayed, "God...please let this go away?"
For many parents of LGBTQ teens, faith has always been the place they turn when life feels uncertain. But when a child comes out, something shifts.
The prayer that once sounded like “Protect them” or “Guide them” quietly becomes something else:
Please fix this.
Please change this.
Please don’t let this be permanent.
In this episode, Heather explores the quiet spiritual tension many parents experience when a child comes out.
You’ll learn:
- Why praying for your child’s identity to change can unintentionally create spiritual distance
- How children interpret silence and hesitation around faith conversations
- Why unresolved spiritual tension creates divided emotional safety in families
- What happens when a child feels like they are competing with doctrine for a place in your heart
You are not defined by a prayer whispered in fear. But the relationship you build with your child from this moment forward will be shaped by how you choose to respond.
Press play to listen now.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers the wisdom of lived experience and practical guidance and education to parents and allies, teaching empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals, through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
parents of LGBTQ teens
faith and LGBTQ parenting
Christian parents LGBTQ child
supporting LGBTQ teen
religion and LGBTQ families
LGBTQ parenting guidance
coming out conversations
parenting LGBTQ youth
allyship for parents
family relationships LGBTQ
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Transcripts
In today's episode, you'll discover a thought that many parents of LGBTQ teens hide from everyone.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ youth and the families who love them.
Speaker A:This show is for the parent who's holding it together on the outside, while inside, your nervous system is bracing for impact.
Speaker A:Here we tell the truth gently.
Speaker A:We unlearn what fear has taught us, and we build the kind of internal safety that lets you lead with love instead of panic.
Speaker A:You're not broken.
Speaker A:You're human.
Speaker A:Let's dive in.
Speaker A:In today's episode, you'll discover a thought many parents of LGBTQ teens carry quietly.
Speaker A:A thought they rarely say out loud.
Speaker A:Sometimes they barely admit to it themselves.
Speaker A:A prayer.
Speaker A:Not the kind you say at the dinner table.
Speaker A:Not the kind you say in church.
Speaker A:The kind you whisper late at night when you're alone.
Speaker A:God, please let this go away.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:This episode is for the parent who believes deeply, whose faith has always been a guiding force in your life.
Speaker A:Prayer is where you turn when things feel uncertain, when life feels overwhelming, when you're searching for clarity.
Speaker A:And today we're talking about what that prayer communicates, even when it's silent.
Speaker A:How unresolved spiritual tension reshapes emotional safety in your home.
Speaker A:And what happens long term when your child senses they are something to be spiritually corrected rather than fully embraced.
Speaker A:Prayer is probably your go to response for most things in life.
Speaker A:You pray for your children regularly.
Speaker A:You pray for their safety, for their health, for their future.
Speaker A:But when your child came out, something in you shifted.
Speaker A:Your prayers changed.
Speaker A:No longer was it simply protect them or guide them.
Speaker A:Instead, your prayer became something else entirely.
Speaker A:God, please let this pass.
Speaker A:Please fix this.
Speaker A:Please fix them.
Speaker A:Please don't let this be permanent.
Speaker A:Please take this away.
Speaker A:Maybe the words even surprised you on some level.
Speaker A:You know they came out of fear, out of confusion.
Speaker A:Maybe even from teachings in your faith that you have held your entire life.
Speaker A:Teachings you suddenly had to wrestle with in a very personal way.
Speaker A:Way.
Speaker A:But in that moment, the prayer was simple.
Speaker A:You asked for it to go away.
Speaker A:And whether consciously or subconsciously, you may have carried that prayer quietly ever since.
Speaker A:Can you think back to when it first happened?
Speaker A:Was it the night that your child first told you they were gay?
Speaker A:Maybe you went into your room, closed the door, got on your knees and asked God to change something you didn't know how to hold?
Speaker A:Maybe it came later, after a difficult conversation that left you frozen in fear, after watching their social world slowly shift and seeing the look of sadness or uncertainty on their face.
Speaker A:Or maybe it came after hearing someone at church say something like, love the sinner, hate the sin, and feeling your stomach drop.
Speaker A:And in those moments when the future feels heavy, uncertain, even frightening, when church suddenly feels complicated or conditional in its welcome, when extended family asks questions you don't know how or want to answer, you bow your head and you ask for change.
Speaker A:Even when that prayer brings a strange mixture of comfort and shame.
Speaker A:Because where else can you go to say the things that live deep inside your heart?
Speaker A:So let's talk about how this can start to show up in everyday life, even if you've never said a word of it out loud.
Speaker A:So imagine for a moment the moment that your child told you that they were gay, transgender, non, binary, queer.
Speaker A:You may not reject them.
Speaker A:You probably didn't yell at them or shame them.
Speaker A:You love them, but something inside you is divided.
Speaker A:You hesitate before using certain language that still feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
Speaker A:You avoid deeper conversations about faith because you aren't sure what to say or how to hold the questions your child might have.
Speaker A:You begin to compartmentalize faith in one space, your child in another.
Speaker A:You soften or even hide the story.
Speaker A:When talking to church friends.
Speaker A:You may avoid fully defending your child's identity in certain rooms because you're still trying to figure out what you believe.
Speaker A:And you say things like, we're still praying about it, or I'm still processing, or God is working, and maybe that feels honest to you.
Speaker A:It might even feel faithful.
Speaker A:But from your child's perspective, it can feel very, very different.
Speaker A:It can make them feel like a spiritual dilemma, not a human being.
Speaker A:Because when someone senses that you are asking God to change them, they don't feel grounded or confident.
Speaker A:They feel judged.
Speaker A:They feel shamed, even if you never intended that.
Speaker A:And this is where the shift begins.
Speaker A:Not dramatically, quietly, subtly, they start watching you more carefully.
Speaker A:They listen closely when conversations of faith come up.
Speaker A:They watch how you respond when someone at church talks about identity.
Speaker A:They notice when you change the subject.
Speaker A:They notice when you hesitate.
Speaker A:And slowly, something begins to change in the relationship.
Speaker A:You are no longer the person they bring spiritual questions to.
Speaker A:They stop asking you for your thoughts about faith.
Speaker A:They stop inviting you into their internal wrestling.
Speaker A:Because somewhere in the back of their mind, a question forms.
Speaker A:If I share honestly, will they pray for me to be different?
Speaker A:Psychologically, this creates divided safety.
Speaker A:They may still feel emotionally safe with you, but not spiritually safe.
Speaker A:And when faith has been a central Part of your family's identity.
Speaker A:That fracture runs deep.
Speaker A:From your side of the relationship.
Speaker A:What you begin to feel is distance.
Speaker A:There isn't a big argument that marks the change, no dramatic moment where everything falls apart.
Speaker A:Instead, it's just quieter, harder to explain.
Speaker A:But you feel it.
Speaker A:Conversations about faith become shorter, more careful.
Speaker A:Conversations in general begin to feel more surface level.
Speaker A:You start realizing that parts of your child's spiritual journey are happening somewhere else.
Speaker A:And you may find yourself wondering, why don't they talk to me about this anymore?
Speaker A:Why do I feel like I'm hearing things after the fact?
Speaker A:And that realization can hurt in a way that is difficult to explain, because as a parent of faith, you probably imagined that your shared belief system would always be something that connected you.
Speaker A:So when that space begins to feel fragile, instead of grounding, it can create a deep sense of loss.
Speaker A:Now take a moment to imagine.
Speaker A:A few years down the road.
Speaker A:Your child has perhaps made decisions about their spiritual life, but you weren't part of that journey.
Speaker A:Not because you didn't love them, but because they didn't feel fully accepted by you.
Speaker A:You may still have a relationship, but something about it feels thinner, more surface level.
Speaker A:The faith that once bonded you becomes the place where they feel least understood.
Speaker A:And that loss can feel profound.
Speaker A:So let's name the real issue underneath this, the root issue.
Speaker A:It isn't faith, it isn't prayer, and it isn't belief.
Speaker A:The real issue is what happens when your child feels like they are competing with your theology for a place in your heart.
Speaker A:It can feel like a spiritual tug of war.
Speaker A:On one side is the faith you've always known, the one that shaped your worldview and guided your life.
Speaker A:On the other side is your child, a living, breathing human being you have loved and witnessed grow every step of the way.
Speaker A:Their courage to speak their truth may have forced you to question parts of your faith you never expected to examine.
Speaker A:And whether your child ever knew about that private prayer is almost beside the point.
Speaker A:You knew.
Speaker A:You carried the fear behind it, and they felt the tension, even if you never said a word.
Speaker A:Over time, they recognize that the growth required in this moment belonged to you, not to them.
Speaker A:And slowly they began to loosen the connection.
Speaker A:Because when a child senses that they are ranked second to doctrine, trust begins to erode.
Speaker A:Unresolved spiritual tension creates inconsistency.
Speaker A:Inconsistency erodes trust.
Speaker A:And without trust, connection becomes surface level, even when love is still there.
Speaker A:Once a child begins to feel that their identity and your belief in them exists in a place of limbo or uncertainty.
Speaker A:Rebuilding that trust can take a long time, sometimes years.
Speaker A:So the real question becomes this.
Speaker A:Are you willing to let this spiritual tug of war define your relationship with your child?
Speaker A:Shifting this dynamic isn't about saying the perfect sentence or reading one more article.
Speaker A:It requires deeper work.
Speaker A:The work of confronting the fear underneath that prayer.
Speaker A:The work of unpacking the grief and confusion that followed it and learning how to show up steady and grounded for your child, even when your own faith journey is evolving, too.
Speaker A:That's the work I do.
Speaker A:I don't attack faith.
Speaker A:I don't dismantle belief.
Speaker A:But together, we confront what that hesitation, that tug of war, is doing to your peace of mind, to your confidence as a parent and the relationship you want to have with your child.
Speaker A:We unpack what's underneath that prayer.
Speaker A:Fear.
Speaker A:Grief.
Speaker A:Identity disruption.
Speaker A:Community pressure.
Speaker A:So you can hold both your faith and your child without placing them in opposition.
Speaker A:The goal isn't abandoning belief.
Speaker A:It's grounded steadiness so your child does not feel judged, shamed, or less important.
Speaker A:They feel seen.
Speaker A:They feel chosen.
Speaker A:And when a child knows that the person they need most is fully in their corner, something powerful happens.
Speaker A:They relax.
Speaker A:They open up.
Speaker A:They invite you into the parts of their life that matter most.
Speaker A:And that kind of relationship doesn't happen by accident.
Speaker A:It happens when a parent chooses to face the hard parts instead of quietly avoiding them or trying to pray them away.
Speaker A:If this episode felt uncomfortably precise, that's your signal.
Speaker A:You are not defined by a prayer whispered in fear, but you will shape your relationship by what you do next.
Speaker A:Book the Call the link is in the show notes.
Speaker A:Choose intentionally.
Speaker A:Until next time.
Speaker A:Sa.
