In this episode which is sponsored by our wonderful partners at Inflow I'm going on the record about something extremely important: loud music makes food taste bad, and I will not be taking questions or feedback on this. I support your live music. I will not consume it while eating my French fries. These are two separate things.

I also have a feelings-based relationship with computer keyboards that started in approximately 1994 in a Radio Shack, has never ended, and apparently runs in the family.

We also get into a question from Kayla in Tallahassee that stopped me: when I finally slow down, everything I've been avoiding emotionally shows up at once.

Rest feels dangerous. I have thoughts on this — including the uncomfortable truth that you cannot outrun trauma, it is always there, and you are not smarter than it.

(Neither am I. Trust me.)

Plus I read a listener review that is basically the entire reason this show exists.

1. The sensory case against restaurant live music
2. Keyboard switches, lifelong fixations, and the difference between that and a hyperfixation
3. When your kid inherits the trait you didn't mean to pass on
4. Listener Q: why does rest feel like an ambush?
5. You can't outrun what you haven't processed

Again, please do check out our episode sponsors Inflow at http://getinflow.io/notbroken

They're helping us bring episodes like this one to your ears.

Mentioned in this episode:

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Our episode sponsor is Inflow. Please support this show and check them out at http://getinflow.io/notbroken

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Okay, so we don't usually do this, but we got a review on iTunes, which

is amazing. Thank you so much for doing that. It says, I find

it incredibly refreshing to listen to someone talk about things that I thought were only

being discussed in my own head. There are so many people roaming this planet

who actually don't have official diagnoses but feel different. And it turns out when you

start living authentically and doing what makes you feel comfortable, you are different, not broken.

And that is like 100% what this is about. And

an official diagnosis doesn't change who you are, and

it honestly in our country doesn't even really change your access to that

many services. That's not meant to dissuade you from getting one if it's something

that's important to you. If you want to pursue that, I 100% support you and

I'm in your corner, go do it. But there are also people who just need

to be validated. Like they just need to hear that there are

people in this world who from a from a very

almost capitalistic perspective are considered very successful,

who have the same things running around in their brains that you do,

and that you can be all of these things all

at once. You can be complicated and you can be introverted and you can

be weird and quirky and all of the things that make

us the tapestries that we are and still have all the things you

want in life. Maybe you have to modify them to fit

the world that you need to live in, or maybe you have to approach them

differently, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means

that not everything is for everyone the ways that we traditionally access

them. So thank you to whoever left this. You are a delight,

and I like you a whole lot. I liked you before you left this, but

I like, like you like a tiny bit more now. That's not true, but it's

a little bit true. And It's just nice to see that. But

to know that some of you who are listening are getting the same benefit from

it really does mean a lot. So thanks, guys.

All right, here we go. I'm gonna pretend I'm pushing record because that feels right.

Okay, I'm pressing record. Boop. Hi

everybody, I'm Lauren Howard. Welcome to Different

Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that,

that there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and

the reality is you're just different, and that's fine. Fine. I'm gonna go on the

record as saying this, and I will

not be taking criticisms or feedback at this time about it.

You will not convince me otherwise. This is my experience, and I

believe it is a universal experience, but

that also might just be my gigantic ego talking.

Loud music makes food taste bad.

Full stop. Food does not taste

good when your ear holes are being assaulted.

You— is impossible. There are people in this world, and I say

this not being critical of musicians at all,

good for you for getting a gig, good for you for playing,

good for you for working on your craft. I'm so supportive of you

doing that. However, I did not realize,

or did not put thought to, the fact

that there are people in this world who go to restaurants with live

music on purpose.

I do not understand this. I support your

live music. I might even go see your live music.

But if I'm going to a place to eat a sandwich, I

would like a quiet sandwich.

I— my experience is not enhanced by you singing Wonderwall.

I'm sorry. I support you singing Wonderwall.

I might even like you singing Wonderwall. If you gave me a

recording or like an iTunes link of you singing

Wonderwall, I would probably listen to it repeatedly. I was

gonna say a cassette tape. I don't know if that's a thing anymore.

Is that a thing? I don't think it's a thing. If you gave me a

cassette tape, I would hold it dear and close to my heart, but I would

not play it because I don't know how to play a cassette tape anymore. I

don't have one of those. But that was what in my— actually, I think in

my brain I saw like an early 2000s burned mix CD.

That's more, but also I don't have a thing to play that on either. Little

limited, but I will absolutely

consume your music. I will. I bet I'll like it too, because I like a

lot of music. But I just want to eat my French

fries in peace. And I cannot

concentrate on the things my taste buds are telling me

when you are in my ears wailing about a champagne supernova.

I love you dearly, and again, I support you

in that. I do.

However, loud music makes

food taste bad. And so I will

not consume my food and your music at

the same time, unless it's very quiet. And I don't

think you want to play your music very quietly live,

because you're not like Raffi singing

lullabies. Though, if you

were, I might listen to you while I'm eating. I might,

because that sounds a little bit soothing. Anyway, this is not,

this is not a criticism of, this is not a criticism of musicians, and

it's also not a criticism of restaurants that have live music.

I'm just saying that I don't, I don't engage, and if you

have live music, I'm probably gonna go somewhere else. Or,

I'm not going to enjoy my food, and I don't like to go out to

eat to eat food I don't enjoy. So good for

you. I support you in pursuing your art.

Also, please just let me eat my sandwich.

Every fucking time I get on a recording,

every goddamn time, these people start messaging

me like I'm not available to them

200 other hours a week.

Hide alerts. Seriously, 12

messages in the time that I did that.

Ah! Stop.

No, I'll make it worse. I'll make it worse. One of the first

messages is, I think Lauren's recording right now.

Yeah, it's a group chat. It's a group chat. So they think they're bothering each

other, forgetting the fact that I'm still on the

group chat.

Ah, okay,

okay, I did this one. Okay.

All right, this one's a little silly. I don't— this is probably gonna be like—

I say it's gonna be like 30 seconds and then I just open my mouth

and start talking and it doesn't end, so whatever. I like hearing my own voice.

As you get older, you start to realize— well, you start to get

more comfortable with the weird things that you do. You stop apologizing for them as

much, even if they can sometimes be embarrassing. Like, you just stop

caring as much. And so there's that. But you also start to— I

don't know if— I don't know if we notice them more. I'm much more aware

of the things that I do that are just like— I don't want to say

not normal because I don't like the idea of normal, but that other people don't

do. Let's put it that way. Other people don't do these things. And then

you especially notice them, especially notice them big,

gigantic, big when you make small versions of

yourself and they do them, especially

if you haven't taught them to do them. So

my assumption, and I could be wrong here, but my assumption

is that people in general do not have

emotional, physical reactions to computer keyboards.

I feel like that's probably a pretty solid assumption.

There may be a handful of us in the world, but for the most part,

people sit down in front of a computer and use a keyboard and they don't

think about the quality or size of the keys or the,

or the sound of the click that it makes, or how quickly they can type

on them. That's probably like a, like, I don't like the word normal.

But like, I feel like most people in the general populace,

that doesn't come up for. That is not

my experience, and it has literally never been my experience.

We used to go— there used to be a mall by my house when we

lived in Louisiana, and it was a brand new mall, and right by the entry

was a Radio Shack, and right by the entry of the Radio Shack were

all the keyboards. And we would walk into the mall, and you would immediately

lose me into the Radio Shack, where I went in to touch all the

keyboards because I had to type on all of them and I knew which ones

I liked best. And I got people— I used to like,

I used to boggle the mind of my computer teacher when I was in middle

school because I could already type like 80 to 100

words a minute in middle school. Not because I had a reason

to type that fast, but because I would

just sit down in front of keyboards and practice. Because I liked touching

keyboards. I just liked it.

I still do. Every now and then I'll buy a

new keyboard just to test it out. I don't think that's what people do.

I don't think people buy new keyboards just to see what the keys feel like.

Shut up. Leave me alone. Shut up.

I have a keyboard right now that I think is the best one that I've

had. And it replaced the previous one that was the best one,

which is the same one, but the previous one had very tall

keys, and I don't have very big hands, and so my

hands would literally get tired out typing on it

because they were very tall so that you could press down hard

and get an extra clicky noise. Because if it's

not clicky, get the fuck out of here.

Give me my keychron with my blue keys or get fucked.

Anyway, so I had the other one and now

I have— and I eventually, after doing

an unreasonable amount of research for something I didn't need,

you would think I was looking for like a new prosthetic or something. No,

I was trying to figure out how to make my hands less tired

or feel less fatigued. From typing on these big

giant keys without losing my clicky

clicky clicky. And I eventually found this keyboard

that is a low profile keyboard that still has the

clicky clicky clicky switches. Oh,

it's the best keyboard. It's so good. It's so good.

I don't tell people, I mean, obviously I don't tell people about this until I

say it on my podcast that gets downloaded 5,000 times a day. So apparently I

do. Tell people about these things, but

it's not like I walk around and like share

my love of keyboards with people before this very moment,

except for like maybe like one, one internet

post ever. It's not something that comes up often. This is something that

I do by myself without involving people

who have slightly more baseline interests.

When I— there was a period where I purchased a few keyboards trying

to resolve this situation where the keys were too high, and

then I had my Apple keyboard and those were too low, even though

occasionally I will break out the Apple keyboard because I

just— that's how I want to type that day. That's how this brain works.

I'm sorry. It's just how it works.

And so. I would test them out or there would be a problem with it

and I returned to them. And

every time I would return them, my now 9-year-old

would, would like, as I'm boxing it up, would be like, what are you doing

with that? I'm sending it back.

Can I have it? No, I don't.

I'm, I don't want to spend, we don't need it. You, we don't need another

keyboard. I don't want an extra keyboard. It was expensive. Oh,

okay. Before you put it away, can I type on it?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Here. So she would like, oh, okay. She was like, no, you're

right. I don't think that one's as good. That's fine. And I would send it

back. Now that I've found my holy grail keyboard,

that the only thing that could make it better is if it was like, if

it was white instead of black, I would like it to be white. That doesn't,

that's fully aesthetic. It does not change the typing experience. But I would like

it to be white. Now that I have found my holy grail keyboard, this

child comes into my office fairly

regularly and as if there's,

as if there's an end date on this, says,

are you done with your keyboard yet?

No, that's my keyboard. I use it for work. Oh, I just figured. I like

that keyboard. Can I have, I would like to have that keyboard. Can you get

me one? No, you have a keyboard and she has,

she actually has the other version of this that my husband got for like

$30 that has the, it doesn't, it has brown switches. These are the

things I know. It has brown switches, not blue switches, so it's not as clicky.

And she doesn't know these things. She just knows that it does

not feel as satisfying to her as the one on my desk.

And according to her, there's an expiration date on the one on my

desk where it becomes hers. And so anytime

if I set up a new computer, sometimes I have to set up computer for

staff, computers for staff members. If I get in a new keyboard that

like has to go out with somebody, if I pull one out of our, we

have like a tech closet that sometimes we use to, for staff and things.

If I pull one out of there, she'll come up. Can I try it?

Yes, you can try it, but this is not the, this is not the the

trait that I wanted you to get. I have a handful of really good

traits that I would love if you had. Some of them you do, but this

is not the one that I wanted you to have. The other day I made

her flippin' day because I bought a new mouse. It

was $10 cuz my old mouse, the scroll wheel stopped working because I

might, I might be a little aggressive with my technology.

Maybe a little bit. Shut up. Anyway, and so I bought a

new mouse. And it was $10 and it was fine and it was very

clicky, very satisfyingly clicky, but the scroll wheel was

very slow. And my, if my brain

works faster than your scroll wheel, we have a problem. And that's

a lot of pressure to put on a scroll wheel because my brain works insanely

fast. But for the most part, we figure it out. Anyway, this one was not

fast enough. So I bought another $10 mouse, different. This one's kind of

cute. It's got flowers on it. Anyway., and I put the old one to the

side. When this child walks into my office and goes to go get a piece

of paper off the printer, walks past me, sees that there is

an unattended mouse, leaves her course that she

is supposed to be charting, goes right to the mouse and starts clicking it.

And she's like, oh, this is a good one, mom. Mom, this is a good

one. And I was like, well, I'm, I'm actually done with that one. Do you

wanna use it? The look in her face, you would've thought it was

Christmas. You would've thought it was her birthday and Christmas and Hanukkah

all wrapped into one. She was like, I can really have this? I can really

put it on my computer? 'Cause it's so clicky and I want it to be

that clicky when I do my schoolwork. Go for it,

kidlet. I made her entire day. So anyway, I don't

think that the general population— I'm trying really hard not to use the word normal

'cause normal is bullshit, but I don't think the general

population has these feelings about keyboards. If you

do, let me know. We could start a

club. It will be a very small club, but we will love it.

But this is how my brain works, and I'm going to make the

assumption that many of you, though not

keyboards, many of you have a thing along

those lines. That you are an inexplicable expert

at, that you know everything about and have a

lifelong fixation on. This is not a hyperfixation. This is

a lifelong fixation. I could tell you these things about keyboards when I

was 8 years old, before we like

regularly used computers for everything. Thankfully, I had

a dad who was a giant nerd, and so I, I was born

in 1986 and we had a computer in our house in

1986. Uh, because he just liked nerd things. I, we had, I

still somewhere have an original Commodore 64 and all the

games. I don't have anything to plug it into, but I do have

somewhere a Commodore 64. And my dad being my dad, we

had the little, literally the floppy disk, the big floppy disk box,

not the, not the hard disks that we called floppy disks, 'cause that was

stupid. The big floppy disk box of every game

you could imagine. So this is— maybe this is his fault, maybe this

is some version of passed down generational trauma, I don't know. But

anyway, there's a thing that you do that is like this,

and I want to know about it.

And you can tell me about it at

differentnotbroken.com/voicemail. Where you can also call in and tell me about all the spectacular things

you've done on our brag line. Anyway,

what— I want to know what weird thing you do. It's not

weird, it's particular,

and I want to know about

it. We have a question from Kayla in Tallahassee,

Florida. I noticed that when I finally slow down, everything I've been

avoiding emotionally shows up at once. It makes rest

feel dangerous. How do you rest without opening the

emotional floodgates every single

time? If you have that much

backlog, then that's actually the issue you should be

discussing. Why— not why, I understand why,

but, you know, you deal with stuff like that by chipping

away at it a little bit at a time. You know, how do you eat

an elephant? One bite at a time.

And if you're, if you're

being deluged by all of these

things that you have not processed every time you try to turn

off, then you probably need to start processing. And

that doesn't mean that that should replace your rest, but it does mean that it

might be time to look for some good help. To talk through those

things because your brain in general doesn't torture you with

things for sport. Like, it might feel like it does, but there's

usually a reason why, some sort of

psychological or whatever reason why. And maybe it's something

that you need to go to therapy and figure out how

to manage those thoughts better so that it's not— so that they're not torturing

you. Or maybe it's Medication, maybe there's a diagnosis for it.

Maybe there's unprocessed trauma. Maybe there's all sorts of things that you, that you would

need to talk to a clinician and somebody who actually is

qualified to talk about these things. But you

should not be hit with a tidal wave

of things that you have not processed every time you try to shut

off. And that doesn't mean like, there are a lot of people in this world

who are just bad at shutting off, who feel like they should be productive all

the time and feel guilty when they're not productive all the time. And it, and

it becomes like this vicious cycle. But that doesn't sound like what you're describing. What

you're describing sounds like every time you

stop, you try to stop moving, the things you're running away from are standing right

there. And that's because that's running away doesn't—

you can't run, you can't outrun trauma, you can't outrun grief. It's always

there. We think we're smarter than it, but we're not. So it just sounds to

me like it's time to go talk to somebody who can give

you actual clinical direction. And the direction might not be clinical. They might say

like, nothing wrong here. There's just, you know, you just

don't deal with this type of stimulation well. And if you have this, you'll be

fine. But more than anything, it kind of sounds

like there's a lot of unprocessed stuff there. And the only way to get rid

of unprocessed stuff is to process it. And that's gonna be

a whole lot more work than trying to shut off for a few hours on

a Saturday. Aw, somebody liked my Avenue Q

reference. I do know who Amy P. is. She is a somebody who I

truly adore.