Boundaries aren’t mean — they’re a love language 💌

In today’s tea time sesh, Amanda calls it like it is: choosing yourself isn’t a favor. It’s a requirement.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, this episode exposes the kind of “love” that asks you to shrink, apologize, or over-explain just to be accepted. Drawing from a relationship where her boundaries were ignored again and again, Amanda drops the truth that changed everything — real love never disrespects your line.

If you’re done bending, people-pleasing, and settling for crumbs, this tea time sesh is your permission slip to raise your standard, own your space, and unapologetically put yourself first. Amanda breaks down exactly how to recognize when boundaries are being crossed, hold your line without guilt, and rebuild self-trust one intentional choice at a time.

No shrinking. No excuses. No performing.

Just self-respect, out loud, on your terms.

🎧 Press play and dare to choose yourself this Valentine’s Day.

Iconic Episode References:

Hot & Healing: How To Turn Your Pain Into Power

Connect with Amanda:

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Got a question for Amanda or a topic you'd love to hear discussed on a future episode? Submit your question to the "Dare To Be Iconic Hotline" today!

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome to Dare To Be Iconic

01:10 Boundaries Are a Love Language

03:20 Valentine’s Day Reset

04:45 My Wake-Up Call

08:30 Boundaries in Action

10:50 Step 1: Identify Your Boundary Gaps

13:40 Step 2: Hold Your Line

16:20 Step 3: Sit With Discomfort

18:50 See You Next Week!

What's up radiant icons and welcome back to Dare To Be

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Iconic, the podcast made for icons

who are daring to be themselves.

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I'm your host, Amanda Paolicelli,

and for today's tea time sesh we

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are spilling the tea on boundaries.

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You know how people say there

are five love languages?

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Well, in my humble opinion, I

actually think that there are six.

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With the six Love language

being boundaries because

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That's right, radiant icons.

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Boundaries are a love language.

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Boundaries are sexy.

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They are self-respect in action and

hot take alert, radiant icons because

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you know, I love serving that popping

hot tea and today is no exception.

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If someone gets uncomfortable with you

setting a boundary, it's because they

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have benefited off of you not having one.

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Okay?

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That's so, that is the God honest truth.

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And if we're being so for real with

Valentine's Day, just around the

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corner, we are all thinking about love.

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We are thinking about real love, right?

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And Valentine's Day is marketed

to us as this proof of real love.

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And it's usually in this concept

of flowers and chocolates

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and dates and being chosen.

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But the matter of the fact is radiant

icons, that real love does not start

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with someone else choosing you.

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It starts with you choosing yourself

and you know, you know radiant icons.

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I am a big, big supporter

of the Choose You journey.

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And a vital step in that choosing yourself

journey is setting boundaries, right?

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Making boundaries your new love

language 'cause basically, when you

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accept this new love language of yours.

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This is you saying, this

is how I love myself.

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Loving yourself loudly is romantic,

having standards is attractive,

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radiant icons, and that is exactly

what we are spilling the tea on today.

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So , without further ado,

radiant icons, let's get into it.

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Are you ready?

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radiant icons, because your

tea time sesh is starting now.

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Now I know it's a lot easier said

than done, radiant icons when it

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comes to accepting that boundaries

are your new love language.

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Right?

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And I mean, me, myself, I still

have difficulty with it at times.

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And when I was actually prepping

for today's tea time sesh, I was

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thinking back of when was the

first time this thought, right?

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This concept, this idea, of

boundaries being a love language-

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like where did it come from?

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And the first time actually, actually

was from that relationship I spoke

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about in last week's tea time sesh, last

week's tea time sesh, "Hot & Healing:

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How To Turn Your Pain Into Power".

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I will link that tea time sesh in the show

notes below if you didn't get a chance to

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listen to it yet, radiant icons, but um,

spoiler alert and trigger warning as well.

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Last week I revealed my big scary

truth and my big scary truth is

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that at 18 years old, I was in

a dating violence relationship.

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My first relationship ever,

my first boyfriend, it was

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a dating violence situation.

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We were together for two months, and when

I tell you it was the worst two months of

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my life, it was the worst two months of

my life that left me a lifetime of trauma.

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And I experienced so much

in that relationship.

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I had a lot of trauma coming outta

that relationship, but I also learned

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a lot out of that relationship and

in that specific relationship, right?

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My boundaries were constantly.

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Constantly disrespected.

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They were questioned, they were

pushed, they were diminished.

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They were ignored, right?

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And being in that abusive

dynamic taught me something that

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I still carry with me today.

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And it is that when someone truly

loves and respects you, radiant icons,

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they do not treat your boundaries

as an inconvenience, right?

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They actually honor your boundaries.

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You don't have to be fighting to be heard.

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That dating violence relationship made

me realize that boundaries truly are a

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love language because respect is love

in action, and a true partner, a true

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partner that loves and respects you, will

respect your boundaries and honor them.

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They won't question them.

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They won't push them.

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They won't ignore them.

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They won't disrespect you.

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Point blank and period.

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And coming out of that relationship,

I made it a point in my hot and

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healing journey to learn how to

advocate for myself and rebuild my

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confidence when it comes to setting

boundaries and upholding them.

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Accepting this concept that

boundaries are my new love language.

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When someone respects my boundaries,

oh my God, that is so attractive.

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Oh my God, that is so sexy.

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So for all the men that love to listen

to my tea time sessions that are into

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me, take notes, okay, respect my damn

boundaries, point blank and period.

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And for me, loving myself out

loud because we spoke about

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in two today's intro, right?

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Loving yourself loudly is romantic.

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And for me, part of loving myself out

loud, loving myself loudly means no

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longer shrinking to keep the peace or

staying silent to be chosen, I choose

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myself over someone choosing me.

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It means deciding that my needs, my

feelings, and my limits do matter.

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And if you can't respect

it, we'll look at that.

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The door is right there.

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Don't let it hit you on the way out.

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So now with all of that radiant icons,

I want to provide you some actionable

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steps that I have been putting into

practice when it comes to accepting that

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boundaries are our new love language.

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So let's get to it.

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Step number one, radiant icons.

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Identify where you haven't followed

through on a boundary you already set.

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So here's the thing with this step.

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Most of us do not struggle when it

comes to knowing our boundaries, right?

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We struggle with honoring them,

we struggle with enforcing

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them when it's uncomfortable.

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So some, some examples of this are

right, you say you don't like last

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minute plans, but you still say yes when

someone texts you at 9:00 PM to go out.

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You're not enforcing that

boundary that you set.

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Right?

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And there could be a multitude of reasons

as to why you're not enforcing it.

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But that's one example.

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Another example, and I laugh

because I am very guilty of this one

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actually, but we're learning, right?

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We're, we're learning out loud, we're

healing out loud together, radiant icons.

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Um, but another example is you told

yourself you wouldn't entertain

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inconsistent communication, yet you keep

responding to the, what you do in texts.

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And, uh, I can say from personal

experience from this example,

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someone who actively does this,

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I only do this with ATL boy, I'm gonna

be so honest with you guys radio.

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I say when it comes to everyone

else, I don't entertain

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inconsistent communication.

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If you are a man that wants

me, that is in my life.

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You need to be consistent.

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Your words and actions do need to align.

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If they don't align

again, there's the door.

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Don't want to hit you on the way out.

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Right.

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Type deal.

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I'm a very busy woman.

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I don't have time for games.

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I run a strict program.

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Okay.

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And I guess when it comes to ATL boy,

there's no strict program because that

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man, like I just, he'll text me and

I'll be like, oh, let me respond back.

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Oh, let me heart the

message, this and that.

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And then I don't hear from him

for like god knows how long.

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Right.

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But I still entertain the

text when it comes in.

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Why do I do that?

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Why do I do that?

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And here's, here's what I think

this is, here's why I think I

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don't enforce this boundary.

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I think one, it's because I still

am like dreaming of some type of

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potential that we have together.

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Or maybe it's the potential of him, the

one that I never truly got over, right?

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Like maybe it's that.

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Maybe that plays into it.

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Another part of it is like this

people pleasing of, oh, he texts me.

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Oh, I know he has these

type of feelings for me.

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Maybe I should try and respond

because I know how he feels.

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Like what?

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Like where I don't even, I don't

even know if that like makes

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sense, but like, do I do it?

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Yes.

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I think it's definitely part of

people pleasing, but like whatever.

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Another thing could probably be,

because I don't wanna be seen as rude.

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Like if I just ghost him or not answer

or give him back the same energy, I

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don't want to be seen as rude to him.

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Like, I don't wanna be perceived as that.

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I don't know why.

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I love being a man hater to

everyone else, but except him.

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I'm like, I don't what

kind of voodoo shit.

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Like, uh, but yeah, I struggle

with enforcing that one.

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And sometimes I wonder, Hmm, why do I feel

drained after that exchange of energy?

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That's my real life example.

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Okay.

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I'm not perfect radiant icons.

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I'm imperfectly iconic

and we're in it together.

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So when we're looking at applying

this step into our lives, I encourage

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you radiant icons, to look at

that feeling of uncomfortability.

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That feeling of uncomfortability is

what is going to propel us forward

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in enforcing these boundaries.

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It's not something that we should fear,

even though we are currently fearing it.

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We are fearing that feeling of

uncomfortability because it's

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uncomfortable and we don't like it.

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But you know what?

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That feeling of uncomfortability

is where we grow.

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It's where we learn.

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It's where we are reframing and retraining

our mind to see that these boundaries

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are a way of respecting ourselves,

are a way to love ourselves out loud.

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When we tolerate a behavior that we say

we are not going to tolerate anymore,

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we are actively disrespecting ourselves.

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So.

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We need to flip it.

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We need to retrain and rewire our brain to

be okay with that uncomfortable feeling.

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Because each time, right, these examples

that I went through, right, each time

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we tolerate these behaviors, because

it's uncomfortable for us to not be a

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people pleaser, to not say no, to not

answer to whatever it is that we're

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uncomfortable with being seen as we are

just disrespecting and hurting ourselves

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in the end, that is not a way to love

ourselves out loud, radiant T icons.

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So sit in that uncomfortability, get

comfortable with being uncomfortable.

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This is our opportunity to grow and

to learn and to, you know, stand

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still to stand firm in the, I'm not

tolerating inconsistent communication,

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so I'm not gonna answer him.

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Right?

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Maybe that's something that I do.

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You know what?

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Not, it's not a, maybe I will do

that every time ATL boy texts me,

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I am not going to answer because I

am not tolerating his inconsistent

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communication that is not fair to me.

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And this is a boundary

that I will be enforcing.

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I do not care anymore, quote

unquote, if he sees me or views me

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as rude as whatever it is anymore.

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I need to enforce this boundary

because clearly after I have whatever

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conversation I have with him, right?

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I'm anxious, or I am drained, or like

whatever negative feeling I'm feeling,

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that's a sign to me, a reminder of,

hey, that's a boundary that you need

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to set that you're not enforcing.

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Like, what are you doing, girl?

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Like that is my slap in the

face that I need to enforce it.

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So here we go.

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I'm gonna hold myself accountable

on this podcast like I always do.

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So anyway, let's get to

step number two, right?

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Hold a boundary even when it costs you

attention, validation or a connection.

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I have a really good story for this

one, Radiant Icons, but before I

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get into that piping hot tea this

is where boundaries stop being

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theoretical and start being real.

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So let's, let's just dive in, shall we?

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I went on my first date since the

breakup around mid to late January and

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I knew during the date that we were

not romantically compatible, but I

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was like, okay, like we can still be

friends, we can still be acquaintances

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because we work in the same type of

field and I'll just leave it at that.

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Right?

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And so while we're being friends and he's

being a little bit flirty, I told him that

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there are certain boundaries that I have.

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And it got to a point where

he completely disrespected me.

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Now I say it got to a point, it got

to maybe four days of us talking

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and like very lightly texting.

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And then the last conversation we had

is where he completely disrespected me.

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He crossed a line and when I told him

basically what was up, he diminished it.

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He honestly ignored it and

he made fun of me, low key.

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And so I was like, oh, you know what?

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You wanna disrespect a boundary

that I clearly told you about?

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Cool, awesome.

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I'm going to disengage

from this conversation.

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And I had no plans to ever, ever

talk to this guy again in my life.

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Then he text me the next morning

because again, I disengaged.

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And he was like, oh shit.

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Like I may have said something again, I

don't believe his apology was genuine, but

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he text me and he apologizes, and in this

moment I was like, oh, do I answer back?

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I feel kind of guilty for not being

like, thanks for the apology X, Y, and Z.

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Um, but I think we could just

keep things professional.

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Like I was like, oh, maybe I

respond because he did apologize.

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Like I'm playing this like people

pleasing, like I feel guilty for

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not responding to him 'cause I don't

wanna be seen as a bitch or whatever.

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But I would like, no,

like he disrespected me.

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So going to rule number two, this is

clearly where our boundaries stopped being

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theoretical and they start being real.

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When he disrespected me, I disengaged.

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My boundary was firm.

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He crossed that line.

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He knew he crossed that line.

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He knew that was a boundary of mine.

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So what am I going to do?

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I can either laugh about it, tolerate

it, and keep on going in whatever

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this connection is, or I can disengage

because he clearly disrespected me.

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I am gonna choose that second option

because that second option honors

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that choice and commitment to choose

myself, to love myself loudly.

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When I set that boundary, that was

my way of saying, this is how I love

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myself and this person, even though

you know, it started off as potential

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romantic into platonic, that person,

if he can't respect this boundary of my

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life, of how I choose to love myself,

he is not worth having in my life.

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He is not worth the connection.

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So I'm going to uphold that boundary.

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Even if it means I lose him.

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That man ain't worth shit to me.

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Absolutely not.

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Why am I going to engage with someone that

disrespected me, that doesn't honor me

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and honor what I choose is right for me.

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It's not that hard.

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Step number three is sit with the

discomfort instead of rescuing it.

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This is the step that most people skip

because no one likes being in discomfort.

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No one likes this feeling of

uncomfortability, but again,

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this feeling of uncomfortability.

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Yes, it's unnatural, but it's

a feeling that honestly allows

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us to grow and to learn.

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It allows us to finally choose ourselves

because boundaries, setting boundaries

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are us saying, this is how I love myself.

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And if someone cannot respect how you love

yourself, they are not worth your time.

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They truly are not worth your time

because they are not respecting you.

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They are not respecting how

you choose to love yourself.

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And honestly, I rather choose myself

than choose making someone feel more

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comfortable at the expense of myself.

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Always choose you.

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radiant icons.

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You will never be

disappointed with that choice.

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All right, radiant icons.

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That is your tea time session for today.

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If you enjoy today's episode, make

sure to subscribe, to leave a Rating,

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a review to tell your friends about us,

to tell everyone and anyone, because

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you know we have what More radiant

icons in our iconic community of ours.

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Honestly, radiant icons,

today's episode was so much fun.

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I love loving ourselves out loud.

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I love healing out loud.

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I love daring to be

iconic together out loud.

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I just love all of it with you guys.

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I guess it's just the love month,

and I'm just, I just have so much

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love in my heart for you all.

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But no, I truly, truly do.

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Especially after last week's tea time

sesh, I received an outpouring of love and

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support and just encouragement, and last

week, as you guys know, was one of the

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scariest episodes of my entire life, and.

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It just feels really, really good to

have your support and your love as I now

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live my truth out loud, and it's just so

freeing and it just means the world to me

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your response from last week's episode,

and I just hope I can help someone by

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sharing my story, and I hope that this

week's tea time session helps you on

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your journey of setting boundaries and

loving yourself out loud because choosing

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you and loving you is the most romantic

thing you can do this Valentine's Day.

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Honestly, some may say it's the

most iconic thing you can do

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for yourself, but you know what?

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I may be a little bit biased.

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radiant cons.

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But anyway, I love you all so much.

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Have a great and iconic Valentine's Day.

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I'll chat with y'all next week.

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Remember, radiance

icons, dare to be iconic.

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Bye.