Navigating Dignity and Incontinence: A Daughter's Journey

This episode of Eldercare Success dives deep into this daughter's personal, and sometimes humorous journey as she navigates the challenges of assisting her father with accepting that he needs to use incontinence underwear.

Nancy May, your host, openly shares her, and her Dad’s personal experiences, including both missteps and successful strategies, revealing the complexities of caregiving with empathy and authenticity. From employing unconventional methods like acupuncture to confronting somewhat embarrassing medical appointments, this episode of Eldercare Success addresses the delicate balance of maintaining dignity and the practical realities of incontinence, and when pee happens.

This episode includes lessons on patience, understanding, and respect, providing practical insights into the realities of caregiving for the parents we love.

It's guaranteed to make you laugh, and perhaps shed a tear or two, also.

Key Takeaways:

• How to be involved, and even empowered to help
• Ways to preserve dignity, theirs and yours!
• Considerations about comfort
• Important health-related issues
• Tips to maintain independence, privacy, and respect.    

This episode of Eldercare Success gives you insights into the practical aspects of caregiving.  It also touches on the emotional resilience required to handle such sensitive matters.

It's a must-listen for anyone in a caregiving role… wife, daughter, and professional caregivers alike.

🔑 Eldercare Success Episode Links & Resources:

• Recommended Fall Detection tools: Fall Call, Emergency Door Open Locks.
• Podcast: Eldercare Success (please share with those you care about)
• Book: How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, and After
• Eldercare Success on YouTube
• Eldercare Success, link to ask Nancy a question: There's a small blue tab on the right side of the page that says "Send a Voice Mail Message to Nancy." Click on that and follow the directions on the pop-up. Then send me your comments and questions so that I can answer them on the show.

Host: Nancy A. May has managed caregiving from both the Boardroom to the Emergency Room while supporting the wellbeing of her aging parents. Today she teaches and advises business owners, corporations, and individual families how to navigate and improve the quality of eldercare with more strength and confidence. Nancy is the five-star author of How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, After!  and an award-winning expert in managing the complexities of caring for an aging parent or family member, even from over 1200 miles away, or more. For a Free File-of-Life to www.howtosurvive911.com. Nancy is also the Co-Founder of CareManity LLC, and the private FaceBook group, Eldercare Success.

Disclaimer: The views, perspectives, and opinions expressed in this show are those of the show guests and not directly those of the companies they serve or that of the host or the producer CareManity, LLC. The information discussed should not be taken as medical, legal, or financial advice. Please seek advice from your own personal medical, legal, or financial advisors as each person’s situation is different. (c) Copyright 2024 CareManity, LLC all rights reserved. CareManity is a trademark of CareManity, LLC.

This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:

Podtrac - https://analytics.podtrac.com/privacy-policy-gdrp
Chartable - https://chartable.com/privacy

Nancy May: 00:00:00

How do you manage your parents incontinence issues

Nancy May: 00:00:03

when you're their adult child?

Nancy May: 00:00:05

Stay tuned.

Nancy May: 00:00:06

This is a story you might want to hear.

Nancy May: 00:00:14

My dad and I always had a great relationship.

Nancy May: 00:00:17

Growing up, I loved it when Mom took my sister and me to Dad's factory and office.

Nancy May: 00:00:22

I'd walk the factory floor with him and ask questions about

Nancy May: 00:00:25

how everyone did their job.

Nancy May: 00:00:28

Curious about the art and creativity that went into every facet, I watched with

Nancy May: 00:00:33

deep fascination, as Uncle Joe, or Aunt Sally, as we called everybody, shared with

Nancy May: 00:00:39

great pride how they made the eyeglasses and frames that Dad designed and crafted.

Nancy May: 00:00:46

As years passed, my interest and respect for what he did continued to grow.

Nancy May: 00:00:51

A new lesson or skill was around every corner, in every

Nancy May: 00:00:55

piece of material and magazine.

Nancy May: 00:00:58

He'd bring home Vogue, Women's Wear Daily, And material samples that he'd

Nancy May: 00:01:03

bring home to assess color and style.

Nancy May: 00:01:07

From those early days, dad showed me and taught me how to observe and think

Nancy May: 00:01:13

through and work through many problems, whether they be business or personal.

Nancy May: 00:01:18

But when I took over as mom and dad's POA, Even though Dad had prepared me the

Nancy May: 00:01:23

best he could for taking over as now co head of the family with Dad as my wingman,

Nancy May: 00:01:30

taking over to learn how to assess and determine what problems to fix weren't

Nancy May: 00:01:35

as easy as he'd planned or hoped for me.

Nancy May: 00:01:39

Stepping in to help with such personal things as Dad's evolving issues with

Nancy May: 00:01:43

incontinence was just one example.

Nancy May: 00:01:46

Overseeing their care from 1, 200 miles away had its advantages and

Nancy May: 00:01:50

disadvantages for sure, and understanding the impact of his incontinence was one

Nancy May: 00:01:55

of those, what do I do now moments.

Nancy May: 00:01:59

Really?

Nancy May: 00:02:00

So that it wouldn't be such a burden on her and others to convince dad

Nancy May: 00:02:04

to first wear disposables and then admit to the fact that he needed

Nancy May: 00:02:09

to change his disposable underwear more frequently than once a day.

Nancy May: 00:02:14

Okay, let's see how we're going to handle this one, Nance.

Nancy May: 00:02:20

my first thoughts were to help Dad and still keep his pride and dignity intact.

Nancy May: 00:02:28

So, through research an acupuncturist who ensured she could resolve Dad's problem.

Nancy May: 00:02:35

Acupuncture was a tool that Dad had used in the past and was open to the idea,

Nancy May: 00:02:40

so I thought this would be an easy one.

Nancy May: 00:02:42

However this acupuncturist was a bit more on the spa like environment side,

Nancy May: 00:02:48

versus one that was in a more medical environment, which Dad was comfortable

Nancy May: 00:02:52

with and had used in the past.

Nancy May: 00:02:55

The soft music, warm lights, and feminine curtains made Dad think,

Nancy May: 00:03:02

Okay, Nance, I'll trust you here.

Nancy May: 00:03:05

I could almost see the balloon over his head saying that.

Nancy May: 00:03:08

After several treatments, and no changes or response, and an insistence

Nancy May: 00:03:13

from the acupuncturist that this would take a lot more time, and a few more

Nancy May: 00:03:18

costly treatments, both both dad and I happily decided to save our time

Nancy May: 00:03:23

and money and call this option quits.

Nancy May: 00:03:26

Honestly, trips to Papa Clyde's ice cream shop proved to be a lot more

Nancy May: 00:03:30

enjoyable together and did not impact his urinary issues one way or another,

Nancy May: 00:03:36

but it certainly put a smile on his face.

Nancy May: 00:03:38

And mine too.

Nancy May: 00:03:42

Now, stuck and looking for other options for the same issue still prevailing, Dad's

Nancy May: 00:03:47

GP, doctor, through the insistence of that same lead aide, and yes, she was let go

Nancy May: 00:03:53

shortly thereafter for a variety of other reasons as well, recommended a urologist.

Nancy May: 00:04:00

Thankfully, for that appointment, another aide went with us.

Nancy May: 00:04:04

you see, Dad had not seen a urologist, in years, and likely even since I was

Nancy May: 00:04:09

a kid, if at all, not knowing myself what happens at a male urology exam,

Nancy May: 00:04:16

we were both in for a rude awakening.

Nancy May: 00:04:18

You see, all right, I'll spare you the details, but whatever he did, had

Nancy May: 00:04:25

dad running out of that exam room with his pants down around his knees and

Nancy May: 00:04:29

my soon to be lead aide running after him trying to help and calm him down.

Nancy May: 00:04:33

We both felt terribly embarrassed and bad for what we had put

Nancy May: 00:04:37

dad through at that time.

Nancy May: 00:04:40

He wouldn't look at me in the face after that one for the rest of

Nancy May: 00:04:42

the day, even though we had all gone to lunch together to try and

Nancy May: 00:04:46

diffuse the issue and bad feelings.

Nancy May: 00:04:48

Later, I learned that Dad thought the guy was actually

Nancy May: 00:04:51

trying to sexually accost him.

Nancy May: 00:04:54

Gah!

Nancy May: 00:04:55

What was I thinking?

Nancy May: 00:04:57

OMG, how do you, as a daughter, respond to that one?

Nancy May: 00:05:01

All in the name of trying to help my dad, and now fired former lead aide.

Nancy May: 00:05:07

Thankfully, my dad had great faith in my ability and patience with the

Nancy May: 00:05:11

learning curve we went through together to make his life and mom's life.

Nancy May: 00:05:16

Happy, safe, comfortable, and financially sound right to their final days.

Nancy May: 00:05:23

The moral of this episode is caring for parents we love, no matter what

Nancy May: 00:05:28

your medical professional or personal qualifications are, take time, time and

Nancy May: 00:05:34

understanding both theirs and yours.

Nancy May: 00:05:38

They take patience, patience and actually understanding that you're probably

Nancy May: 00:05:43

not going to get it right the first time, and even medical professionals

Nancy May: 00:05:48

don't know the answers all the time.

Nancy May: 00:05:51

You know your parents better than anybody else, and you can try, and

Nancy May: 00:05:55

if they have trust in you, they will listen, and together, you're going to

Nancy May: 00:05:59

go over a few humps, but in the end, things will always work out fine.

Nancy May: 00:06:05

They take understanding, as I said earlier, theirs and yours, and your aides,

Nancy May: 00:06:11

and the other professionals you work with as well, too, and a little, if not

Nancy May: 00:06:17

a lot, of experimentation along the way.

Nancy May: 00:06:21

Everybody's slightly different.

Nancy May: 00:06:22

You, your folks, your siblings, and your entire family.

Nancy May: 00:06:27

We did eventually figure out how to help Dad.

Nancy May: 00:06:30

That involved making sure that every aide we employed had the head, and

Nancy May: 00:06:35

the heart, and the wherewithal to cope with Dad's bodily changes as he aged.

Nancy May: 00:06:41

For women, it seems to be a little bit easier, as most aides are female too.

Nancy May: 00:06:46

If an aide didn't care for dad's dignity as much as his physical issues, We

Nancy May: 00:06:51

changed them out in less than a heartbeat.

Nancy May: 00:06:54

It also meant moving fast when his undergarments needed to be changed

Nancy May: 00:06:58

so he wasn't sitting in wet pants.

Nancy May: 00:07:01

For those who haven't been down this path, it's important to know that wet

Nancy May: 00:07:05

underwear against aging, thin, and frail skin can quickly result in irritation

Nancy May: 00:07:11

and eventually, and potentially, life threatening wounds if left untreated.

Nancy May: 00:07:17

attention to such detail, as uncomfortable as it might be for you

Nancy May: 00:07:21

and them, is critical to a good life.

Nancy May: 00:07:24

Every single day, as the old saying goes, in a more polite way,

Nancy May: 00:07:29

of course, poop and pee happens.

Nancy May: 00:07:33

how we help our parents through this part of aging is just as important as a

Nancy May: 00:07:37

phone call or visit to say, I love you.

Nancy May: 00:07:41

Actions speak louder than words, even when they don't hear you.

Nancy May: 00:07:46

Here are three tips that can help you and your folks through this process.

Nancy May: 00:07:51

as I said earlier, I actually think this is an easier transition for women who do

Nancy May: 00:07:56

need to wear incontinent underwear, as we've all had to use sanitary products

Nancy May: 00:08:01

of some sort throughout our lives.

Nancy May: 00:08:03

That's just how we work.

Nancy May: 00:08:06

For men and our dads, I believe this is a lot more difficult.

Nancy May: 00:08:10

And can be personally humiliating, if not downright tough.

Nancy May: 00:08:15

first, if at all possible, empower with choice.

Nancy May: 00:08:21

Try to explain what might happen if.

Nancy May: 00:08:25

Now, the stories don't need to be nasty, or pushy, or too graphic.

Nancy May: 00:08:30

and if this is done well, your storytelling will involve your

Nancy May: 00:08:34

parents in the process about when to start using a product.

Nancy May: 00:08:39

Also, which product is most comfortable and best used for

Nancy May: 00:08:43

each time of day or situation.

Nancy May: 00:08:46

This can help them feel in just a little bit more control.

Nancy May: 00:08:49

No pun intended.

Nancy May: 00:08:52

Two, focus on comfort.

Nancy May: 00:08:55

Select high quality products that are not only absorbent, but are

Nancy May: 00:08:59

designed to be more comfortable than those really cheap ones.

Nancy May: 00:09:03

comfort can reduce resistance to wearing protective underwear, period.

Nancy May: 00:09:08

They will also help reduce abrasion or skin sores due to scratchy textures

Nancy May: 00:09:13

on delicate or frail older skin.

Nancy May: 00:09:15

That, in turn, as said earlier, will reduce the chances of other

Nancy May: 00:09:19

critical health issues And your concern for their well being too.

Nancy May: 00:09:24

Three, work to set up and maintain a routine

Nancy May: 00:09:29

a scheduled routine will help you or a caregiver from having to force the need

Nancy May: 00:09:34

to keep checking to see if they're wet and then harassing them to get changed.

Nancy May: 00:09:40

Okay.

Nancy May: 00:09:40

It kind of sounds like they're kids, but they're not.

Nancy May: 00:09:43

Our parents are not infants.

Nancy May: 00:09:46

As I've said in previous episodes, this is one of my personal pet peeves.

Nancy May: 00:09:51

Please know they are still our parents and we are still their children.

Nancy May: 00:09:57

Adults, or maybe not at times, and treating them as such is

Nancy May: 00:10:03

healthy for them as well as you.

Nancy May: 00:10:06

I hope this episode gives you a few more tools to make it easier to deal with

Nancy May: 00:10:11

the challenges of supporting your folks and caring for them, whether that be

Nancy May: 00:10:15

around the block or from 1200 miles away.

Nancy May: 00:10:19

And don't forget to get the book, How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies.

Nancy May: 00:10:23

this is one of those numbers that you will likely call more than

Nancy May: 00:10:27

calling to check in on mom and dad.

Nancy May: 00:10:30

It can make a huge difference in the type of care that they receive in the ER and

Nancy May: 00:10:34

you too, especially if you know what to do before, during, and after a hospital stay.

Nancy May: 00:10:42

On that note, incontinence is not an easy subject for anybody to deal

Nancy May: 00:10:47

with, but hopefully this is one that will make your time going through

Nancy May: 00:10:52

this stage just a little bit easier.

Nancy May: 00:10:54

And, more importantly, just a little bit easier for your folks too.

Nancy May: 00:10:59

If you like this show, please share it with a friend, a family member,

Nancy May: 00:11:04

or somebody that you even meet at Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts online who

Nancy May: 00:11:08

look like they're going through some stress and strain and just might need a

Nancy May: 00:11:12

little bit more help with mom and dad.

Nancy May: 00:11:14

It can be your gift to them.

Nancy May: 00:11:16

Even if you don't know them, because it's our gift to you.

Nancy May: 00:11:21

And before I go, Dad, if you're listening from the stars, please

Nancy May: 00:11:26

forgive me for sharing some of your more personal issues in such a public way.

Nancy May: 00:11:31

But I know you understand that we're both working to help

Nancy May: 00:11:34

others do well and do good.

Nancy May: 00:11:37

That's what we do, right?

Nancy May: 00:11:42

Here is another spring short from Eldercare Success, and this one is a,

Nancy May: 00:11:47

and this one is a difficult subject.

Nancy May: 00:11:50

That's, and this one's, Welcome to Another Spring Short of Eldercare Success.

Nancy May: 00:11:58

This one's about a really tough subject that we probably, this, this

Nancy May: 00:12:08

is another spring short from Eldercare Success.

Nancy May: 00:12:11

And it's a subject that is probably going to make you feel a little uncomfortable.

Nancy May: 00:12:15

How do you discuss incontinence with your folks?

Nancy May: 00:12:18

Theirs, not yours.

Nancy May: 00:12:21

Stay tuned.

Nancy May: 00:12:22

This is one you're going to want to listen to.

Nancy May: 00:12:30

And yes, it's a true story.

Nancy May: 00:12:36

Love you lots.

Nancy May: 00:12:38

Bye bye.

Nancy May: 00:12:46

Here is another spring short from Eldercare Success, and this one is a,

Nancy May: 00:12:52

and this one is a difficult subject.

Nancy May: 00:12:54

That's, and this one's, Welcome to Another Spring Short of Eldercare Success.

Nancy May: 00:13:02

This one's about a really tough subject that we probably, this, this

Nancy May: 00:13:12

is another spring short from Eldercare Success.

Nancy May: 00:13:15

And it's a subject that is probably going to make you feel a little uncomfortable.

Nancy May: 00:13:20

How do you discuss incontinence with your folks?

Nancy May: 00:13:23

Theirs, not yours.

Nancy May: 00:13:26

Stay tuned.

Nancy May: 00:13:27

This is one you're going to want to listen to.

Nancy May: 00:13:34

And yes, it's a true story.

Nancy May: 00:13:47

How to Manage Incontinence.

Nancy May: 00:13:49

How do you manage a dad?

Nancy May: 00:13:53

How do you manage your parents incontinence issues when

Nancy May: 00:13:56

you're their adult child?

Nancy May: 00:13:59

Stay tuned.

Nancy May: 00:14:00

This is a story you might want to learn from.

Nancy May: 00:14:05

Stay tuned.

Nancy May: 00:14:06

This is a story you might want to hear.

Nancy May: 00:14:13

My dad and I always had a great relationship.

Nancy May: 00:14:17

Growing up, I loved it when Mom took my sister and me to Dad's factory and office.

Nancy May: 00:14:22

I'd walk the factory floor with him and ask questions about

Nancy May: 00:14:25

how everyone did their job.

Nancy May: 00:14:27

Curious about the art and creativity that went into every facet, I watched with

Nancy May: 00:14:32

deep fascination, as Uncle Joe, or Aunt Sally, as we called everybody, shared with

Nancy May: 00:14:39

great pride how they made the eyeglasses and frames that Dad designed and crafted.

Nancy May: 00:14:51

As years passed, my interest and respect for what he did continued to grow.

Nancy May: 00:14:57

A new lesson or skill was around every corner, in every

Nancy May: 00:15:01

piece of material and magazine.

Nancy May: 00:15:04

He'd bring home Vogue, Women's Wear Daily, and material samples he'd bring

Nancy May: 00:15:09

from And material samples that he'd bring home to assess color and style.

Nancy May: 00:15:16

Those early days,

Nancy May: 00:15:21

from those early days, I observed how to think and work through problems.

Nancy May: 00:15:27

From those early days, dad showed me and taught me how to observe and think

Nancy May: 00:15:32

through and work through many problems, whether they be business or personal.

Nancy May: 00:15:37

But when I took over as mom and dad's POA, Even though Dad had prepared me the

Nancy May: 00:15:42

best he could for taking over as now co head of the family with Dad as my wingman,

Nancy May: 00:15:49

taking over to learn how to assess and determine what problems to fix weren't

Nancy May: 00:15:54

as easy as he'd planned or hoped for me.

Nancy May: 00:16:02

Stepping in to help with such personal things as Dad's evolving issues with

Nancy May: 00:16:06

incontinence was just one example.

Nancy May: 00:16:10

Overseeing their care from 1, 200 miles away had its advantages and

Nancy May: 00:16:13

disadvantages for sure, and understanding the impact of his incontinence was one

Nancy May: 00:16:18

of those, what do I do now moments.

Nancy May: 00:16:25

Our lead aide, who I'd hired, and yes, eventually fired, but that's

Nancy May: 00:16:30

for another episode, had convinced me that there was a way to dry dad up.

Nancy May: 00:16:37

Really?

Nancy May: 00:16:38

So what?

Nancy May: 00:16:43

Really?

Nancy May: 00:16:44

So that it wouldn't be such a burden on her and others to convince dad

Nancy May: 00:16:48

to first wear disposables and then admit to the fact that he needed

Nancy May: 00:16:53

to change his disposable underwear more frequently than once a day.

Nancy May: 00:16:58

Okay, let's see how we're going to handle this one, Nance.

Nancy May: 00:17:04

So one of my thirs so one of my first thoughts was to help dad,

Nancy May: 00:17:14

so one of my first thoughts, so my first thoughts were to first So my

Nancy May: 00:17:21

first thoughts were to help Dad and still keep his pride and dignity intact.

Nancy May: 00:17:29

So, through research, So through So through research an acupuncturist who

Nancy May: 00:17:37

ensured she could resolve Dad's problem.

Nancy May: 00:17:44

Acupuncture was a tool that Dad had used in the past and was open to the idea,

Nancy May: 00:17:48

so I thought this would be an easy one.

Nancy May: 00:17:50

However, this acupuncturist was a bit more on the spa like environment side,

Nancy May: 00:17:59

versus one that was more medical y environment, versus one that was in a

Nancy May: 00:18:04

more medical environment, which Dad was comfortable with and had used in the past.

Nancy May: 00:18:10

The soft music, warm lights, and feminine curtains made Dad think,

Nancy May: 00:18:17

Okay, Nance, I'll trust you here.

Nancy May: 00:18:20

I could almost see the balloon over his head saying that.

Nancy May: 00:18:25

After several pre After several treatments, and no changes or response,

Nancy May: 00:18:31

and an insistence from the acupuncturist that this would take a lot more time,

Nancy May: 00:18:36

and a few more costly treatments, both dad and I decided, both dad and

Nancy May: 00:18:42

I happily decided to save our time and money and call this option quits.

Nancy May: 00:18:48

Honestly, trips to Papa Clyde's ice cream shop proved to be a lot more

Nancy May: 00:18:52

enjoyable together and did not impact his urinary issues one way or another,

Nancy May: 00:18:58

but it certainly put a smile on his face.

Nancy May: 00:19:00

And mine too.

Nancy May: 00:19:05

Now, looking for other options for the same issue that was still

Nancy May: 00:19:08

prevailing, Dad's GP or doctor thought,

Nancy May: 00:19:18

now, looking for options.

Nancy May: 00:19:21

Now, stuck and looking for other options for the same issue

Nancy May: 00:19:24

still prevailing, is Dad's GP.

Nancy May: 00:19:28

Dad's GP, doctor, through the insistence of that same lead aide, and yes,

Nancy May: 00:19:34

she was let go shortly thereafter for a variety of other reasons

Nancy May: 00:19:37

as well, recommended a urologist.

Nancy May: 00:19:42

Thankfully, for that appointment, another aide went with us.

Nancy May: 00:19:48

You see, Dad had not, you see, Dad had, you see, Dad had not seen a

Nancy May: 00:19:52

urologist, likely in years, and likely even since I was a kid, if at

Nancy May: 00:19:58

all, not knowing myself what happens at a male urology exam, my Dad,

Nancy May: 00:20:13

not knowing what would happen in a urology exam with my Dad, we

Nancy May: 00:20:17

were both in for a rude awakening.

Nancy May: 00:20:19

You see, all right, I'll spare you the details, but what he did, but whatever

Nancy May: 00:20:28

he did, had dad running out of that exam room with his pants down around his knees

Nancy May: 00:20:33

and my soon to be lead aide running after him trying to help and calm him down.

Nancy May: 00:20:38

We both felt terribly embarrassed and bad for what we had put

Nancy May: 00:20:42

dad through at that time.

Nancy May: 00:20:46

Dad wouldn't look me in the face.

Nancy May: 00:20:52

The three of us went to lunch, and Dad wouldn't look me in the face

Nancy May: 00:20:55

after that for the rest of the day.

Nancy May: 00:21:05

We finally got our things back together, and all bundled back into the We

Nancy May: 00:21:10

finally got our things back together, and all jumped back into the car.

Nancy May: 00:21:15

He wouldn't look at me in the face after that one for the rest of

Nancy May: 00:21:18

the day, even though we had all gone to lunch together to try and

Nancy May: 00:21:21

diffuse the issue and bad feelings.

Nancy May: 00:21:25

Later, I learned that Dad thought the guy was actually

Nancy May: 00:21:28

trying to sexually accost him.

Nancy May: 00:21:31

Gah!

Nancy May: 00:21:32

What was I thinking?

Nancy May: 00:21:39

OMG, how do you, as a daughter, respond to that one?

Nancy May: 00:21:44

All in the name of trying to help my dad, and now fired former lead aide.

Nancy May: 00:21:55

Thankfully, my dad and I had great, thankfully, thankfully, my dad

Nancy May: 00:22:02

had great faith in my ability and patience with my learning curve.

Nancy May: 00:22:08

Thankfully, my dad had great faith in my ability.

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and Patience in My Learning Curve as we went through many things together

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to make his life and mom's life.

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Thankfully, my dad had great faith in my ability and patience

Nancy May: 00:22:28

with the learning curve.

Nancy May: 00:22:33

Thankfully, my dad had great faith and ability.

Nancy May: 00:22:37

Thankfully, my dad had great faith in my ability and patience with the

Nancy May: 00:22:41

learning curve we went through together to make his life and mom's life.

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Happy, safe, comfortable, and financially sound right to their final days.

Nancy May: 00:22:56

The moral of this episode is caring for parents we love, no matter what

Nancy May: 00:23:01

your medical professional or personal qualifications are, take time, time and

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understanding both theirs and yours.

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They take patience, patience and actually understanding that you're probably not

Nancy May: 00:23:17

going to get it right the first time.

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And even medical professionals don't know the answers all the time.

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You know your parents better than anybody else, and you can try, and

Nancy May: 00:23:28

if they have trust in you, they will listen, and together, you're going to

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go over a few humps, but in the end, things will always work out fine.

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They take understanding, as I said earlier, theirs and yours, and your

Nancy May: 00:23:44

aides, and the other professionals you work with as well, too, and a little

Nancy May: 00:23:49

experimentation, and a little, if not a lot, of experimentation along the way.

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Everybody's slightly different.

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You, your folks, your siblings, and your entire family.

Nancy May: 00:24:05

We did eventually figure out how to help Dad.

Nancy May: 00:24:09

That involved making sure that every aide we employed had the head, and

Nancy May: 00:24:13

the heart, and the wherewithal to cope with Dad's bodily changes as he aged.

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For women, it seems to be a little bit easier, as most aides are female too.

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If an aide doesn't care,

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if an aide didn't care for Dad's dignity as much as his figure, If an

Nancy May: 00:24:35

aide didn't care for dad's physical dignity as much as his issues, If an

Nancy May: 00:24:42

aide didn't care for dad's dignity as much as his physical issues, We changed

Nancy May: 00:24:46

them out in less than a heartbeat.

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It also meant moving fast when his undergarments needed to be changed

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so he wasn't sitting in wet pants.

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For those who haven't been down this path, it's important to know that wet

Nancy May: 00:25:02

underwear against aging, thin, and frail skin can quickly result in irritation

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and eventually, and potentially, life threatening wounds if left untreated.

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So attention to such detail, as uncomfortable as it might be.

Nancy May: 00:25:20

So attention to such detail, as in, so attention to such detail, as

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uncomfortable as it might be for you and them, is critical to a good life.

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Every single day, as the old saying goes, in a more polite

Nancy May: 00:25:36

way, of course, NP happens.

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How we help our parents, how we help our parents through this part of

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aging is just as important as a phone call or visit to say, I love you.

Nancy May: 00:25:54

Actions speak louder than words, even when they don't hear you.

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Here are three tips that can help you and your folks through this process.

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I actually said, as I said earlier, as I said earlier, I actually think it's easier

Nancy May: 00:26:13

trans, as I said earlier, I actually think this is an easier transition for women

Nancy May: 00:26:19

who do need to wear incontinent underwear, as we've all had to use sanitary products

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of some sort throughout our lives.

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That's just how we work.

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For men and our dads, I believe this is a lot more difficult than we can person.

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For men and our dads, I believe this is a lot more difficult than can

Nancy May: 00:26:40

be person for men and our dads, I believe this is a lot more difficult.

Nancy May: 00:26:47

And can be personally humiliating, if not downright tough.

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First of all, first, if at all possible, empower with choice.

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Try to explain what might happen if.

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Now, the stories don't need to be nasty, or pushy, or too graphic.

Nancy May: 00:27:13

And if done well, they will involve your parents in the decision process,

Nancy May: 00:27:21

and if done well, will, and if this is done well, your storytelling

Nancy May: 00:27:28

will involve your parents decision making in the process about

Nancy May: 00:27:32

when to start using a product.

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Also, which product is most comfortable and best used for

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each time of day or situation.

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This can help them feel in just a little bit more control.

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No pun intended.

Nancy May: 00:27:52

Focus on comfort.

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Select high quality product.

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Two, focus on comfort.

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Select high quality products that are not only absorbent, but are

Nancy May: 00:28:04

designed to be more comfortable than those really cheap ones.

Nancy May: 00:28:08

Comfort can reduce, comfort can reduce resistance to wearing

Nancy May: 00:28:13

protective underwear, period.

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They will also help reduce abrasion or skin sores due to scratchy textures

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on delicate or frail older skin.

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That, in turn, as said earlier, will reduce the chances of other

Nancy May: 00:28:27

critical health issues and your concern for their well being, too.

Nancy May: 00:28:33

And your concern for their well being too.

Nancy May: 00:28:39

Work to, three, work to set up and maintain a routine to increase

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their privacy and respect.

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Try to establish a routine that respects privacy, like scheduling, try to

Nancy May: 00:28:54

establish a routine that respects privacy.

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Like scheduling regular times for bathroom breaks and changes, which, which

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if uncomfortable for you, can gently,

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which, if uncomfortable for you, can gently yet professionally be

Nancy May: 00:29:16

handled by a trusted caregiver.

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Which, if uncomfortable for you, can be gently handled

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by a professional caregiver,

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which, if uncomfortable for you, can be gently yet professionally

Nancy May: 00:29:33

handled by a trusted caregiver, who's been down this road before.

Nancy May: 00:29:40

This will help you as a caregiver.

Nancy May: 00:29:42

For having to force the need to keep

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a schedule or routine will help you or a caregiver from having

Nancy May: 00:29:53

to force your parents to need

Nancy May: 00:29:58

a scheduled routine will help you or a caregiver from having to force the need

Nancy May: 00:30:03

to keep checking to see if they're wet and then harassing them to get changed.

Nancy May: 00:30:10

Okay.

Nancy May: 00:30:10

It kind of sounds like they're kids, but they're not.

Nancy May: 00:30:14

Our parents are not infants.

Nancy May: 00:30:16

As I've said in previous episodes, this is one of my personal pet peeves.

Nancy May: 00:30:22

Please know we are still our,

Nancy May: 00:30:27

please know they are still our parents and we are still their children.

Nancy May: 00:30:33

Please know we are still our parents.

Nancy May: 00:30:37

Please know they are still our parents and we are still their children.

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Adults, or maybe not at times, and treating them as such is healthy

Nancy May: 00:30:50

and treating them as such is healthy for them as well as you.

Nancy May: 00:30:59

I hope this episode has given you a few more tools to make it easier.

Nancy May: 00:31:04

I hope this episode gives you a few more tools to ease the challenges

Nancy May: 00:31:08

of supporting or caring for our folks that from time to time,

Nancy May: 00:31:16

I hope this episode gives you a few more tools to make it easier.

Nancy May: 00:31:21

To deal with the challenges of supporting your folks and caring

Nancy May: 00:31:24

for them, whether that be around the block or from 1, 200 miles away.

Nancy May: 00:31:29

And don't forget to get the book, How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies.

Nancy May: 00:31:33

This is one of the, this is one of those numbers that you will likely call more

Nancy May: 00:31:40

than calling to check in on mom and dad.

Nancy May: 00:31:43

It can make a huge difference in the type of care that they receive in the

Nancy May: 00:31:46

ER and you too, especially when you know, especially if you know what to do

Nancy May: 00:31:53

before, during, and after a hospital stay.

Nancy May: 00:31:58

On that note, This is not an easy subject for anybody to, on that note, incontinence

Nancy May: 00:32:05

is not an easy subject for anybody to deal with, but hopefully this is one

Nancy May: 00:32:11

that will make your time going through this stage just a little bit easier.

Nancy May: 00:32:16

And more importantly, just a little easier, and more importantly, just a

Nancy May: 00:32:21

little bit easier for your folks too.

Nancy May: 00:32:24

If you like this show, please share it with a friend, a family member,

Nancy May: 00:32:28

or somebody that you even meet at Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts online

Nancy May: 00:32:32

who look like they're going through some stress and strain and just might

Nancy May: 00:32:36

need a little, and just might need a little bit more help with mom and dad.

Nancy May: 00:32:41

It can be your gift to them.

Nancy May: 00:32:43

Even if you don't know them, because it's our gift to you.

Nancy May: 00:32:48

And before I go, dad, if you're listening from the stars, please

Nancy May: 00:32:53

forgive me for sharing some of your more personal issues in such a public way.

Nancy May: 00:32:58

But I know you understand.

Nancy May: 00:33:00

We're both working to help others do well and do good.

Nancy May: 00:33:04

That's what we do, right?

Nancy May: 00:33:06

Love you lots.

Nancy May: 00:33:07

Bye bye.