Two inmates. The same caseworker. One thinks she's amazing; the other thinks she shouldn't even have a job. So which is it?

In this episode, I share stories from my coaching classes at the Utah State Prison that perfectly illustrate one of the most foundational principles in coaching: our thoughts — not our circumstances — create our feelings. The same sentencing, the same caseworker, the same camping trip, the same child, the same bank account can produce completely different emotional experiences depending on the thoughts we choose to have about them.

But here's what this episode is not about: rushing to swap your thought for a shinier one. Before we ever change a thought, we need awareness of what our current thoughts are creating for us — in our relationships, our identity, and the meaning we give to our lives.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why circumstances (a sentencing, a caseworker, a "difficult" child) are neutral until we have a thought about them
• The important caveat: thoughts create feelings in a regulated nervous system — and why we need to calm down before we can access our adult brain
• Why "thoughts are optional" doesn't mean lying to yourself or pretending everything is rainbows and daisies
• How our thoughts become self-fulfilling prophecies — like the mom who was grumpy with her "grumpy" daughter
• How thoughts confirm our existing beliefs, so our brain only gathers evidence for what we already think
• The three areas where heavy thoughts do the most damage: our relationships, our identity stories ("it's too late for me to change"), and the meaning we load onto circumstances
• Why sitting with a thought — on paper or in prayer — is where the transformation actually begins

Your invitation this week: pick one relationship that isn't going well and ask yourself, "What are my predominant thoughts about this person, and how do those thoughts make me feel? Is that how I want to feel toward them?"

Resources mentioned:

Free Resources: Visit www.brookeoniki.com and click "Free Resources" for short videos on how to stop spiraling thoughts, how to reconnect after a hard interaction with your child, and how to calm an elevated nervous system.

A new Bridges group just started! Learn more about group coaching, or book a consult call to explore private coaching, at www.brookeoniki.com . Click the "Work with Me" tab!

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Welcome to Midlife with Brooke.

2

I am your host, Brooke Oniki.

3

I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ,

a wife, mother, grandma,

4

and a certified life coach.

5

On this podcast, we talk about all things

mothering, health and emotional wellbeing.

6

I share practical tools and

examples from my life and from the

7

lives of my clients to help you

navigate this new season of midlife.

8

It can feel tricky and confusing and

a little bit out of our comfort zone

9

as our children grow up and they

don't really need us in the same way.

10

These concepts and principles have changed

my life and I've watched them change

11

the lives of my clients, and I hope that

they can be helpful if there are things

12

that you wanna change in your life.

13

So let's get started.

14

Hello.

15

Welcome to the podcast.

16

I'm so glad that you're here today.

17

And before we start, I just

wanna invite you again to go to

18

my website at brookeoniki.com

19

and grab the free resources there.

20

across the top of the page, there are some

tabs, and one of them says free resources.

21

You go there,

22

And you can click on these videos about

how to stop spiraling thoughts, how to

23

re-engage with your child when you have

a bad interaction, and How to calm down

24

your nervous system when you're feeling

a little overstimulated, 'cause we don't

25

usually say things that we're happy about

26

when we're in fight or flight.

27

So if I can bring that down a notch

before I have a conversation, that is only

28

gonna be a blessing to my relationship.

29

So go and grab those.

30

And then today I wanna tell

you about a conversation I

31

had last week at the prison.

32

I volunteer at the Utah State Prison

to teach coaching classes there

33

to the male inmates, and I've been

doing it for almost two years.

34

In September it'll be two years.

35

And this week we were talking

about their sentencing.

36

So in Utah, they don't give you, a

strict sentencing for your crime.

37

They give you, like, one to

15 years, or one to five.

38

so as they go into the prison,

they don't actually know how

39

long they're gonna stay there.

40

And so we were having a

discussion about this, and one

41

of the inmates said, "I like it.

42

I like that we don't have a precise

sentencing, because it makes it so I

43

don't count down the days, and it also

helps me feel like I can influence

44

the outcome by having good behaviors."

45

And so he's been in prison before, and

he said when he knows the exact date,

46

it seems like it takes more

time, or it's a little bit like

47

waiting for Christmas to come.

48

It just feels like so long.

49

So he said that that was his preference.

50

Whereas another guy said he hates that

it's like that, because he doesn't

51

know how long he'll be there, and he

wonders should he be selling his car,

52

should he be selling some of the things

that he has on the outside that he

53

isn't gonna be using for a while.

54

If he were gonna get out in a

year, then he wouldn't do that.

55

If he's gonna be in there for

10 years, then it seems smarter

56

to sell some of his assets.

57

And so he feels like the, the not knowing

is making it more challenging for him.

58

I had another discussion another

day about case workers, and one of

59

the inmates said, "I have this case

worker that I think is so amazing.

60

She's so great, and she's been so helpful

to me, and she's helped me prepare when

61

I go to see the board, and she's just

given me a lot of tips and insights."

62

And this other guy said,

"I hate my case worker.

63

She shouldn't even have a job here.

64

She's so lazy.

65

She doesn't do anything."

66

And then as we talked further, they

found out they had the same case worker.

67

So the topic we're discussing today is

how our thoughts create our feelings.

68

We can have the same circumstance,

which would be a sentencing of 1 to

69

15 years in prison, and one person

thinks that's a great way to do

70

it and another person hates it.

71

Or we can have the same caseworker,

and one person thinks she's doing

72

a great job and one person thinks

she's doing a terrible job.

73

And if we interviewed 15 more people,

we might find Some people that think

74

she's okay, or some people that

think she's been good at sometimes

75

and not so good at other times.

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Everyone's gonna have their own opinion.

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So it's not the caseworker

that's good or bad, or even the

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sentencing that's good or bad.

79

It's the thoughts we choose to

have about those circumstances

80

that cause our emotions.

81

If I feel like this woman's a waste

of time, she hasn't helped me at all,

82

chances are when I go in to have a

meeting with her, I'm gonna carry those

83

feelings in with me, and I might also

act like I don't care or be a little

84

resentful or resistant to her because

I think she's doing such a poor job.

85

So those feelings that I create

when I think she's not a good

86

caseworker are going to carry

in to my relationship with her.

87

And so that's why it's really important

to understand that our thoughts create

88

our feelings, because it affects

our relationship with other people

89

and our relationship with ourselves.

90

And I do wanna put a little caveat

here, that our thoughts create our

91

feelings in a regulated nervous system.

92

If I am in fight or flight or shut down,

if I have huge emotions, it's really

93

hard for me to access my rational way

of thinking because I feel like I'm

94

in danger or I'm trapped, or I feel

some trauma from some past experience.

95

Whatever it is that's causing me to

feel outside of my regulated nervous

96

system, I'm not gonna be capable

of accessing my rational thoughts.

97

So we wanna move into a place where

we feel calm so that we can access

98

our adult brain, so that we can

think about a situation in a way that

99

will help us to handle it better.

100

Let's talk about this a little more.

101

I'll give you a few more examples.

102

I think camping is an interesting example.

103

Camping in and of itself

is not a good or bad thing.

104

It's something that people choose to do.

105

They take their gear, they take their

food, and up they go into the mountains.

106

And some people have thoughts

about camping that make it

107

such a lovely experience.

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Like, "This is so fun.

109

I love nature.

110

I love the outdoors.

111

I love disconnecting

from all the technology.

112

Camping is just the greatest

thing in the world."

113

Other people might think,

"It's a lot of work.

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It's so much effort for so little time."

115

Or someone might say, "Camping's something

people did before they had homes,

116

where they didn't have any shelter.

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Why would you ever go camping when you

can sleep in a bed or stay in a hotel?"

118

So camping is just neutral.

119

It's just a circumstance until we have

a thought about it, and some thoughts

120

make us feel really warm towards

camping, and other people have thoughts

121

that make them never ever wanna camp.

122

And then there are some

in the middle as well.

123

Amusement parks is another example.

124

Some people have thoughts about

how fun it is to go on the roller

125

coasters and how fun it is to go on

things that turn 'em upside down.

126

They love, love amusement parks.

127

And other people would rather go

anywhere but an amusement park.

128

So amusement parks are not good or

bad, they are just available to us,

129

and we get to decide how we think about

them, and that will create how we feel.

130

It's been fun to watch the World Cup.

131

I had a daughter say to me she's had these

warm feelings about being an American in

132

the last couple of weeks, 'cause she lives

in Boston and there have been all these

133

people who've come from other nations

134

Scotland was one of the teams that

played in Boston, and she said she went

135

to baseball game at Fenway Park and all

these Scottish people were there, and they

136

were chanting and cheering and she said

they, they loved it here, and everybody

137

was so warm and friendly, and it just

felt nice to be a part of a country

138

that was so welcoming and loving.

139

And she said, "I just had these

feelings of being so proud of, of our

140

people and their kindness and their

openness and their welcomeness."

141

So sometimes we have thoughts,

especially in recent years, where

142

people are like, "We're so divided," and

everybody a- and the country's so torn.

143

And so we have those kinds of

thoughts about our country, and

144

then we feel isolated and alone.

145

But when we have thoughts

that everyone's friendly and

146

welcoming and this has been so

147

fun and healing, then I have different

feelings inside So the reason I

148

wanna talk about this today isn't

so that you can hurry and change

149

your thought to something else.

150

It's so that we can create an awareness

around the thoughts that we choose to

151

have and see what they're creating for us.

152

And when we know what our

thoughts are creating for us,

153

then we can decide whether or not

that's a pattern we wanna keep.

154

Because sometimes the thoughts that we

have are useful to us, and they create

155

strong bonds in our relationship.

156

Like, you might have really loving

feelings towards a sister or one

157

of your kids or your husband, and

those actually create really good

158

connections with those people.

159

But if I don't, rather than hurry and

switch it to something that I don't

160

actually fully believe, I wanna just

look at, what are my underlying thoughts,

161

and how is it affecting my emotions

that then affect my relationships?

162

So let me give you an example.

163

If you have a belief that somebody doesn't

like you, and it could be even true.

164

What if someone came to you and said,

"So-and-so told me, she doesn't like you"?

165

That could be a circumstance that

someone actually came and told you that.

166

So if that is my underlying thought,

"She doesn't like me, she doesn't like

167

me, she doesn't like me," I may feel

insecure around her or uncertain or unsure

168

And if I feel insecure or unsure,

the chances of me being warm and

169

friendly to her are very small.

170

Because when we feel insecure or

unsure, we tend to avoid, right?

171

We might see this person at church

or in the grocery store or on our

172

street, and when we do, we may look

the other way or go another way,

173

anything to avoid confrontation.

174

Because if my thought is, "She doesn't

like me," and I feel insecure, then I'm

175

gonna try to avoid, because my brain is

trying to keep me from anything that will

176

feel dangerous or uncomfortable, because

that's what my primitive brain does.

177

That's just interesting to know.

178

And then I can decide maybe I wanna

do that, maybe I wanna avoid her.

179

And I can.

180

I can do that the rest

of my life if I want to.

181

Or if I notice that that's a pattern

that I have, I could decide, "Hmm,

182

I don't really wanna focus on that."

183

And if I don't want to, then

I can change my thought.

184

But that's not what we're

talking about today.

185

Today we're talking about

just becoming aware.

186

Another one that might happen

is you thinking something

187

like, "He's a difficult child."

188

So sometimes my client will come

to me and say, "I have this son.

189

He's been very difficult

his whole entire life."

190

And we'll talk about how, well,

that's actually not a fact.

191

If I took a blood test, I

wouldn't be able to find…

192

I…

193

Oh, look, his blood says

he's a difficult child.

194

So it's not actually a fact, it's a

thought that this mother's having.

195

And so when I point this out

to her she will say to me,

196

"Oh, no, no, it, it is true.

197

When he was in first grade he did this,

and he had these problems in second

198

and third grade, and my husband has

had all this confrontation with him.

199

He's very difficult with

his siblings," right?

200

So she has lots and lots of evidence

that this is a difficult child.

201

And so when we have more evidence, it

feels so true to us that it's really

202

hard to believe that it's just a thought.

203

But if I can look at it and say, "Well,

let's look at some other situations.

204

What about his friends?

205

If I were to talk to them, would

they tell me he's a difficult child?"

206

"No, no, he has great

friends, and they love him.

207

And even his school teachers will

tell me he's so fun in class, and

208

he gets along with everyone, and

he's really respectful to me."

209

Right.

210

So often this parent is a little

frustrated like, "Why can't you be that

211

way at home if you're that way at school?"

212

But it's interesting to notice that the

friends and the school teachers have

213

different thoughts about this child.

214

So in their hearts and

minds, he isn't difficult.

215

So that's one way we know

that it's not a fact, because

216

different people are experiencing

this person in different ways.

217

So the fact is you have a son.

218

He's a certain age, he's a certain

height, he has a certain birthday.

219

All of those things are factual, but

our feelings about this person differ

220

because of the thoughts we have about him.

221

I think it's interesting,

like a bank account.

222

The husband and wife can see there's

the same amount of money in the

223

bank account, and one of them might

think, "This is not enough money.

224

We need to make more money."

225

And feel lots of scarcity around

that number, and the other spouse can

226

say, "Oh, there's plenty of money.

227

We're fine."

228

So it's not the money that is good or

bad, right or wrong, a lot or a little.

229

It's the thoughts we have that create

the scarcity or abundance, that create

230

the warmth towards this child or

the frustration towards this child.

231

'Cause if I'm constantly thinking it's

a difficult child, then my brain is

232

looking for evidence that that's true.

233

It never spends any time

saying, "Oh, no, no, he's great.

234

He's fun.

235

You should notice the good about him."

236

It just looks for evidence

that he's difficult.

237

And so if that's the thought that I choose

to have perpetually about my child, it's

238

going to be very difficult for me to

find the good in him because I have this

239

underlying belief that he is difficult.

240

So even if I have evidence, even if I

can give lots and lots of reasons why I

241

think this, if I can create some awareness

around it and recognize when that is my

242

primary thought, it affects my ability

to love and be open to the goodness in

243

this child, then that's when I might

wanna look at it and go, "Hmm, is that

244

the thought that I want to have as my

underlying belief about this child?"

245

So here are some things to consider

when you're trying to understand that

246

your thoughts create your feelings.

247

The idea is thoughts are optional.

248

The fact that you have a son, he's 17

years old, he's 6'1", he was born on

249

January 5th, those are all factual things.

250

My thought that he's

difficult is optional.

251

Most people have lots of reasons for

telling me this child is difficult.

252

So I'm not saying that thinking that

is a wrong thought or a silly thought.

253

There's no judgment around it, but

we do wanna notice that if that

254

is my pervasive thought, it will

affect my relationship with them.

255

So if I know that thoughts are

optional, then I can just say,

256

"That means they're not mandatory.

257

They're not required."

258

It's just an automatic thought

that my brain has handed to me.

259

It's a sentence that my brain has

offered up, and I've used it so often

260

that maybe it's become a habit for me.

261

And so if I realize that, then I can

recognize, oh, I could ask my brain to

262

offer up a different thought that might

be more useful and produce an emotion

263

that I like better So just know we have

these circumstances, these situations that

264

are neutral, whatever happened, right?

265

Someone telling you that this person

doesn't like you, the words she

266

said, she said she doesn't like you.

267

That could be my circumstance,

and It's not good or bad until

268

I have a thought about it.

269

'Cause I could think, "Hmm,

well, I don't really like being

270

around her that much either."

271

Or I could think, "She

doesn't know me well enough.

272

I'm sure if we got to know each

other better, it would be different."

273

Or I could think, "I need to go

over and talk to her and get to

274

know her better and, and let her

know that I'm a good person," right?

275

There's so many different things

that you could choose to do, but just

276

knowing that my thoughts are optional

is super useful because then I can

277

recognize, is it one I wanna keep?

278

Is it one I wanna let go of?

279

Are there other things

I can experiment with?

280

So it's not silly, and it's not

necessarily even false, right?

281

If someone says to you, "I don't

like you," or, or my friend…

282

If someone says to you, "She told me

she doesn't like you," I don't have

283

to tell myself, "That's not true."

284

I could say, "Okay.

285

Well, what do I wanna do with that?

286

Do I wanna not like her?

287

Do I wanna go around being nervous

and afraid and trying to avoid her?

288

Or do I wanna just let go of that

and not worry about it so much?"

289

If I realize that my thoughts are

optional, then I know that I have

290

lots of things to choose from, and

I don't have to choose the, "She

291

doesn't like me," and feel all anxious

and worried and uptight about it.

292

I don't want you to confuse

optional with I'm lying to myself

293

if I pick a different thought.

294

So if, for instance, your thought is,

"He's a difficult child," and and you're

295

trying to think of another way to think

about it, your brain might say, "Well,

296

I'm not gonna think he's great.

297

I'm not gonna think he's

obedient, 'cause that's not true."

298

So I'm not asking you to choose another

thought that's rainbows and daisies,

299

but I could just choose to loosen

my grip on the he's so difficult.

300

I could think, what are some things

that I do appreciate about him?

301

Or what are some ways that I've

seen him try and make effort?

302

And don't I love that his friends

love him so much, and that

303

his teachers love him so much?

304

Are there things that I could choose

to think other than he's so difficult

305

that feel true to me so they're not

lying, but they're not as heavy as

306

the he's such a difficult child?

307

So that's another thing to remember.

308

Your brain will try to tell you, "Well,

another thought will just be a lie,"

309

but that's not actually true, 'cause

people are very three-dimensional.

310

They're not just a sum of

their worst characteristics.

311

And so if I can loosen my grip

on that, I can choose to think

312

something else if I want to.

313

The second thing I want to talk to you

about is that thoughts mirror behavior

314

or they confirm an existing belief.

315

I had a client come to me years ago

and said, my daughter's so grumpy," and

316

we started talking about it, and she

was giving me all kinds of evidence.

317

She goes in her room, and she stays

in her room, and she never comes out,

318

and she doesn't talk to the family.

319

And so she had this belief that she was

so grumpy, but when the child did come

320

out, the mother, my client, was grumpy

with her because she had had all these

321

negative thoughts about this child,

rather than thinking, "Isn't it great that

322

she knows when she needs some downtime?

323

Isn't it great that she

loves reading so much?

324

Isn't it great that she knows

what she needs emotionally and can

325

take care of herself in that way?"

326

And she came back to me and

was like, "This is crazy.

327

When I started thinking different thoughts

about her and different thoughts about

328

why she goes somewhere else to read,

then when she did re-engage with the

329

family, I wasn't grumpy because I'd been

thinking different thoughts about her.

330

When I thought, 'She's

grumpy,' I got judgmental.

331

I got kind of hard on her.

332

And so when she returned, I was grumpy."

333

So that is a fascinating thing,

that we mirror the behavior that

334

we dislike in the other person.

335

I've seen it over and over again.

336

You know, someone tells me, "Well,

he's really judgmental," and then they

337

tell me all the things that he's doing

wrong, and then what's the result?

338

I'm really judgmental of him.

339

one last example, I've had this happen

before where I have felt like someone

340

didn't like me, and so I avoid them and

try to stay away because I don't wanna

341

be around people who don't because my

brain feels like that's scary and so it

342

tries to be protective and keep me away

from people that maybe don't like me.

343

But I remember this happening at one

point and I thought, "Wait a second,

344

but I actually like her, and I really

respect the kind of mother she is and

345

the things I've learned from her."

346

And so at one point, I approached her and

told her, "I'm really impressed with the

347

kind of mother you are and here are some

things I've learned as I've watched you."

348

And we had this really sweet interaction

and she showed me some pictures of

349

her kids and told me about some things

that were going on in their family,

350

and we had this beautiful interaction.

351

And I thought, "I don't actually know

if she likes me or doesn't like me, but

352

I could choose not to focus on that.

353

I could choose to focus

on what I like about her."

354

And I genuinely had things that

I could focus on, and it totally

355

changed how I interacted with her.

356

All of a sudden, I didn't need to turn

the other way or go down a different

357

street because I was taking charge

of the thoughts that I had, and that

358

automatically changed my feeling.

359

Another thing is that our

thoughts confirm existing bias.

360

So if I have a thought, "He's

always lying to me," then I'm gonna

361

look for evidence that he lies.

362

If I have a thought like, "I'm a terrible

mother," my brain is gonna look for

363

evidence of places that I have failed.

364

It's never gonna tell me,

"Oh, Brooke, it's not true.

365

You're a great mother."

366

It just doesn't do that.

367

It looks for evidence of whatever

it is that we choose to think

368

So the last thing I wanna talk to

you about how our thoughts affect our

369

relationships, our identity, and also

the meaning that we give to things.

370

So I've used examples.

371

I'll just touch on these briefly.

372

Relational things are the mirroring

kinds of things, like, "She doesn't

373

like me," or, "He's difficult,"

374

So if I have these thoughts in

relation to other people, it's gonna

375

affect my actions towards them.

376

If I'm going in with this leading belief

that she doesn't wanna be my friend, or

377

they don't really want us to come, or

they don't think we're very much fun, if

378

I have those thoughts, I'm gonna go into

that situation in a much more fearful

379

and apologetic manner, and I don't

present as the best version of myself.

380

So that's just good for me to know.

381

The second one is identity or

stories that we tell ourselves.

382

So if I have a client come to me

and she says, "I should have married

383

that boy that I liked in high

school," that's an identity issue.

384

Like, I made a mistake.

385

I shouldn't be in this relationship.

386

I shouldn't be in this marriage.

387

Or if they say something to me like,

"It's too late for me to change.

388

I'm too old.

389

I can't change my feelings about

my body," or, "I've made too many

390

mistakes with my daughter-in-law.

391

There's no way we can repair it now,"

those are identity thoughts that

392

keep us stuck in the same patterns.

393

If, for instance, I think I should have

married the boy that I liked in high

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school, it's impossible for me to be

open to the marriage I actually chose.

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It's gonna affect how I

have a relationship with

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the marriage that I'm in.

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If I believe it's too late for me

to repair my relationship with my

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daughter-in-law, it's gonna shut down my

ability to try or my ability to be open.

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And so if I can recognize that these

thoughts I have about my identity also

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affect my motivation, my willingness to

try, my openness to change and repentance,

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and belief that with the help of God

I can be a different person, if I can

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notice these are the thoughts that are

keeping me stuck in this place, and they

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create emotions that, that make me feel

overwhelmed or misunderstood or shut down,

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Then I can see, oh, are these

really beliefs and thoughts

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that I wanna hold onto?

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'Cause if they aren't, I can remember

that thoughts are optional, and these

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aren't the ones that I have to choose.

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And the last one sometimes

our thoughts are really loaded

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with meaning and heavier.

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So I've had a client come to me and say,

"My son is a functioning alcoholic."

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And as we talked about it in more

detail, she was able to share all

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these things she loved about her son.

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But she was leading with, "He's a

functioning alcoholic," and it was

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affecting her ability to see him as

a fully three-dimensional person with

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all kinds of strengths and weaknesses.

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And so that was a really

big aha moment for her

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Or another client who said to me, "I

thought my kids were gonna live by me."

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And so as they grew up and they got

married and then they didn't live by

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her, She just had a lot of feelings

about that, the circumstance might

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be she lives in Arizona, and they're

living in Colorado, and she thought

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everyone was gonna live in Arizona.

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So that's the circumstance.

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One child moved to Colorado, and I get to

decide what my thoughts are about that.

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For a while, she was choosing, "I thought

they were gonna live by me," and she

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felt really discouraged and sad and

heartbroken about this unmet expectation.

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But over time, as she processed through

that, she started to change her mind

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and started to see, oh, we're gonna

just get to love Colorado as well.

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So it's just an interesting thing that

we can change the way we choose to think

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I have people tell me they feel

like they've made covenants with

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God to get their children back to

the celestial kingdom, and that is a

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surefire way to get controlling and

manipulative and be sad all of the time.

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And so thoughts like that can be

really heavy and really loaded and

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cause all kinds of pain, not only for

you, but also for your family members.

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So we just have to notice these

thoughts that I have, are they useful?

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Are they helping me be the

kind of person that I wanna be?

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And if they aren't, then good news,

because thoughts are optional, and I can

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change the way I think about these things.

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But I don't wanna want you

to rush off to a new thought.

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when these heavy, loaded thoughts

are there, we don't wanna rush

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off because these are things

that have built up over time.

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These are things that you've

believed for a long, long time.

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And so to think that we're gonna

immediately just flip it to some new way

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of thinking isn't, isn't practical really.

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So we just wanna notice it and sit with

it and recognize what it's creating

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for us, and that awareness alone is

gonna make a huge difference for us.

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So we don't wanna think of the thought

as wrong or bad, we just wanna look

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at it and see what it's producing.

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And you may wanna talk

to someone about it.

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You may wanna talk to a friend or

talk to a coach and figure out, "Is

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this thought actually creating harm

in my relationship, or is it actually

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helping me in my relationship?"

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Because if it's optional, that's really

good news because I don't have to

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stay with it if it's creating problems

for me or for someone that I love.

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So in closing, understanding

what current thoughts create is

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where the transformation lies.

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Our goal is to just notice

that thoughts create feelings

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And even though you've heard it a

million times, and I hear clients say

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this all the time, "I know it's my

thoughts, I know it's my thoughts.

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My thoughts are creating my feelings."

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But really sitting with that or writing

it down and recognizing, oh, I'm feeling

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a little resentful, and it's coming from a

thought that she shouldn't be treating me

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this way, or I should be able to do this,

or it's not fair that this is happening.

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Sometimes we don't actually

even know what our thoughts are.

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They're just all jumbled up in our head,

and we never pour them out on a piece

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of paper or pour them out in a prayer so

that we can actually see what's going on.

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So recognizing that our thoughts

are creating our feelings, then

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walking it through and kind

of unpacking it a little bit.

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What feeling does this thought create?

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What actions take over

when I feel this way?

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What do I stop doing?

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What do I start doing?

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And then do I like the results it creates?

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And if I don't, then after that, after

all the unpacking and the thinking

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and the reflecting, then when I feel

ready, I can move to something else.

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And we'll talk about that on another day.

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But today, the goal is to just understand

that awareness that our thoughts create

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our feelings is where the magic lies.

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Because once I understand that and accept

that it's not something that I want,

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then it's much easier to move forward.

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So I hope you'll do that.

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Look at some relationship in your

life that's not going very well and

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think, "What are the predominant

thoughts I have about this person

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or about this relationship,

and how does it make me feel?

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And do I wanna feel that way towards them?

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Do I wanna feel that way in my own heart?"

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And let's just look at it.

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All right.

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Have a good week.

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Go get those free resources at my

website, or you can also get them

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in the show notes if you want.

491

All right.

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I just started another Bridges group this

week, and I'm super excited for them.

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If you wanna know more about that,

you can also find that on my website.

494

So if you wanna be in a group coaching,

if you want more help than you're

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getting from the podcast, or if you

wanna do private coaching, you can

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come to a consult call, and I can

explain those resources to you as well.

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All right, have a good week.

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See you next time.