Do you have difficulty learning to trust others? If this has impacted your life as an adult, listen in to today’s episode with Dana Nygaard.

TRUST is formed at a very early age and plays a crucial role in our infancy. Trust also significantly shapes how we communicate and connect with others in adulthood. 

In this episode, we sit down with Dana Nygaard, a cognitive-behavioral therapist and relationship coach who unpacks the intricacies of attachment theory and how it shapes our relationships. 

Dive into a candid discussion on overcoming insecurities, building healthier connections, and the transformative power of forgiveness. 

Whether you’re looking to heal past wounds or strengthen your relationships, this conversation offers valuable insights and actionable advice to move forward. 

Redeem Your Business Today by the Following:

How can we honor God in our business?

We can invite the Holy Spirit as our copilot. When we welcome the Holy Spirit into our everyday lives, we allow him to guide our mouth and help understand what people’s intentions are. If the Lord presents an opportunity to discuss Him, we should respond.

One challenge from today:

Trauma and insecurities don’t need to follow us around and have a detrimental effect on our personal and professional relationships. 

More from this episode:

Dana emphasizes how working on forgiveness is an important stepping stone to healing and more effective communication.

• Forgiveness helps release guilt, shame, or resentment that may fuel insecurities. 
• Forgiveness leads to a more open and understanding mindset, encouraging trust and deeper emotional connections in relationships. 
• Forgiveness is letting go of past grievances and clears the path for healthier communication and collaboration.

More About Dana Nygaard

Clarity Please: Helping single women break patterns of choosing the wrong guy

Home | Dana Nygaard: Learn more about Attachment Theory

*Christian vs. Catholic. While we may not agree on

everything theologically, we are unified in our desire to help others overcome

their past to live a better life.  

More About David Schmidt

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David:

[0:00] Today, it's my pleasure to have with me Dana Nagard, professional counselor

David:

[0:04] and licensed therapist. She also works with single women to help them build strong faith-driven relationships. And she's the owner of Christian Comfort Counseling, three Cs. That's kind of tricky. Dana, welcome to Redeeming Business Today.

Dana:

[0:19] Thanks, David. I'm really happy to be here.

David:

[0:21] Yeah. And so, Dana, what is one way you believe we can honor God in our business that others may not know about?

Dana:

[0:30] All right, that's a fabulous question. So I think by every day as we, such as if we drive into work or if we're at home before we get on our computers, is to invite in the Holy Spirit to be our co-pilot that day and to ask him like, guard my mouth, right? That's very important. And I think another great one is to ask the Holy Spirit to, would you please reveal to me what this person's intentions are? It can maybe you're going to be hiring someone or maybe you're looking for a job, right? Are they going to bless you? Are they going to betray you? I think that's important to ask. Or if you're simply going into a meeting, and I think it's also helpful to ask the Holy Spirit to help you bless the other people. And for, especially if you work in some place that's secular, is Lord, if you want there to be an opening for us to talk about you, you make it happen and then I'll step through it.

David:

[1:26] Yeah, very good. That's excellent. Excellent. Thanks. So you are in the therapist realm, the psychological realm. How did that start? What got you interested in that throughout your life?

Dana:

David:

[3:08] Okay. So it was just a gradual thing that way. That's neat. Yeah. Very neat. Thank you. Very good.

David:

[3:14] So we had talked earlier about attachment theory and with relationships. Explain, what is attachment theory?

Dana:

[3:22] So attachment theory is who, it goes back to our childhood. So whoever were the main caregivers, it could have been mom or dad, it could have been grandparents, foster system, whatever that situation was. And it's how those adults attach to us as children. When we cried, did they come to us? or were we like you know you heard years ago about romanian orphanages when you go in you think there'd be this cacophony of you know all these kids crying no it was pretty quiet why they learned after a while hey if i cry no one comes over here because there simply weren't enough workers and there were so many children so they fell into learned helplessness what's the point i might as well just lie here and be sad on my own and those children then had failure to thrive. But when our parents attend to our needs, and it takes us quite a while as children to start getting manipulative. Hey, if I scream, my parents come running and then I laugh at them. You know, if you're a parent, your kid has done that to you. But when they're little, they don't have that ability. And trust is formed in the first four months of life. And so if we have a secure attachment, then we're likely to securely attach to a future spouse, bosses, our children, and so forth. But if we have an insecure attachment, we're going to really struggle and suffer a lot in life unnecessarily. And there are three different types of insecure attachment.

David:

[4:46] Okay. So even as a young, I know kids aren't manipulating me, but I've had a lot of children and from very get go, I think they know what they're doing. When they cry, they want to get held or fed or whatever. So I know what they're doing. But you're saying that as parents, how you relate to them, how you take care of them at an early age affects them later on in life.

Dana:

[5:10] Yes, because if every time my newborn, my son's there now, but when he was newborn, when he would cry, I would go to him because that's his only way of saying, my bottom hurts because you need to put some diaper cream on me. My tummy hurts. I'm hungry. I have something poking me. I'm too hot. I'm too cold. And so that's why babies are so darn cute. because if not, we'd probably lose our minds because they're exhausting there a lot, right? And so that is how a baby communicates. And after a while as a parent, and for the listeners who haven't had children yet, God willing, you'll get to, you'll start to notice a difference in their cries. Oh, that's the hungry cry. That's right, that's the, you know, whatever cry. So if you go to your children at the beginning, and even if you don't know what's wrong at the moment, if you're still doing that, you know, sing-songy, hey, it's okay, what's going on? The child's brain says, oh, I'm suffering and someone cares. So that's how it works at the beginning.

David:

[6:11] Okay. And so obviously we want to have people caring for us. And so you're saying if we do not have people caring for us,

David:

[6:20] that affects us later on in life. So in relationships, like people dating who are going to get married, what kind of things are flags, you might say, to somebody who has an attachment issue or not attachment issue?

Dana:

[6:33] No, that's a great question. So let's say that there's a single person in there. Let's say it's a woman and she's dating a guy, okay? If she has avoidance issues, that's one of those three types, then she's probably going to feel more distant from any kind of emotional intimacy. I'm not talking about physical intimacy. And she's going to be hyper independent to an extreme degree that almost, I don't need anyone. I can do everything on my own. Well, no one's an island, and we know God built us to be in community with each other. And people that are avoidant, they're going to suppress their emotions. So if I have a client and I ask them, wow, that sounded like a really tough situation you went through, and there were so many aspects to it, how did you feel during that? Because they have not mentioned a single feeling. A lot of times they'll say, I don't know.

Dana:

[7:24] And they're not being evasive. They really don't know. If a person has a more ambivalent attachment style, then that person, they're going to crave that closeness, but then at the same time, they're going to fear it because they fear abandonment. So they want this, but the whole time they're thinking, you're going to leave me, which is why they constantly ask for reassurance. Do I look pretty? Do you really like me? Do you really, really like me? That sort of thing. And then the last one is disorganized. This person doesn't know if they're coming or going. They come towards you and you think, oh, this is lovely, and they back away and you're like, wait, what just happened? And then they come towards you and they back away. And that is due to trauma. And it could be trauma that happened at home. It could be trauma they witnessed because there was an explosion outside. It can be from all sorts of things.

David:

[8:11] Okay. List them all three again.

Dana:

[8:14] Okay. So the insecure, it's avoidant. Okay. So they're avoiding attachment. They're the people that are very standoffish. Then the next one is ambivalent. They want the closeness, but they fear abandonment. So they have to reassure them all the time. Then the last one is disorganized. And that's where they're hot, they're cold, they're hot, they're cold, they're hot, they're cold. And it can be that way for women. It can be that way for men. But here's what's interesting. Like attracts like. and I don't mean law of attraction. I don't believe in any of that hoodoo. If I'm, let's pretend emotional 10 is really healthy. And let's say I'm single, I'm happily married, but let's pretend. And I'm an emotional one. I just don't have a lot going on in that way. If I met an emotional 10 after two seconds, he'd be like, no, that woman's not for me because I would be needy or I would be cold or I'd say something. He'd be like, what the heck is she talking about? So if we heal that with God or with Jesus as a divine physician, then our brain can rewire, which is just brilliant.

David:

[9:19] Okay. So how does this affect us at work when you have this attachment issue or how does it affect people in the workplace?

Dana:

[9:29] Yeah, it's so interesting because at work, it's going to show up. So like, let's say I work for a company and my boss is like, what's up with Dana? She has some, she has some issues going on, right? So if I have that avoidant tendency, then I'm going to be very aloof. And if my bosses say, I need you to work on this collaborative project, I'm probably not going to be a good fit. And it's not because I'm being obstinate or a jerk, even though those people do exist. It's really because I'm avoiding those people knowing who I am and then we can look at if you want to go on the details we can look at how that would apply to the other types of attachment insecure attachments too okay

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