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00:03:22 The Perfect Apology

00:04:41 A Mistake Can Be a Good Thing!

00:07:37 1. Express your genuine regret

00:09:50 2. Explain what happened

00:11:20 3. Take responsibility

00:12:24 4. Repent!

00:13:58 5. Offer to make amends

00:15:14 6. Ask for forgiveness

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• Conflict will happen, but what matters is how people respond to their mistakes. A perfect apology can actually strengthen a relationship if it consists of these six parts: expression of regret, explanation of what went wrong (without excuses or blame), taking responsibility, repentance, offering reparations, and a request for forgiveness, in order of importance.

• Good apologies are sincere and match the severity of the offense. Apologize quickly and remember that you are never owed an apology.

#Apologize #EQ #Lewicki #PerfectApology #Repent #Repentance #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ThePowerofE.Q. #Needs #Limits #Requests #Refusals...It’SAConstantNegotiation

They know themselves and are secure enough in their own self-worth to confidently seek out what they want and need, but they also know that they share the world with other people, and if they want to form meaningful relationships with those other people, they will sometimes need to accommodate their wants and needs. Your needs and limits will change over time, and so will your boundaries. Though people don’t like to admit it, as social beings we will need to bend at times to accommodate others. This give and take is not a bug but a feature of healthy relationships, and it builds trust and intimacy over time. That’s why having good boundaries is not just a single activity you do one afternoon and then forget about forever more. It’s something that requires continuous renegotiation—and sometimes you won’t get the balance right. In recent years it has become fashionable to “cut people out of your life” or have strict, ruthlessly strong boundaries that never budge.

The truth is, though, as long as we are socially connected to imperfect humans, we will occasionally feel like we’re taking too much, giving too much, or not quite understanding one another. This is not a problem so long as we use these occasions to communicate, learn more about one another, and take the opportunity to demonstrate trust and goodwill. In a way, that’s all relationships are: a constant shifting and changing of the barrier line between you and another person. Having good boundaries and the skills to navigate the social world is not about being rigid and inflexible. Rather, it’s about being confident in yourself, respectful, quick to forgive, and always ready to learn and adapt as circumstances evolve. Being emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean you experience less conflict—it just means you become a lot better at managing and making meaning from it! The Perfect Apology Throughout this book we’ve seen that emotional intelligence almost always goes two ways: As we develop self-awareness, we grow our awareness of others.

As we learn to trust and understand our own emotions, we get better at reading those of other people. Similarly, as we refine and assert our own boundaries, we can’t help but develop a new appreciation for other people’s limits, desires, and needs. What is the best way to respond to other people’s boundaries? Well, if they are reasonable and clearly expressed, then they ought to be respected entirely (“reasonable” here means that someone else’s boundary doesn’t inadvertently ask you to compromise on your own, doesn’t manipulate, and doesn’t make “do it or else” threats or demands on your behavior). Even the most emotionally intelligent of us will occasionally fall foul of someone else’s boundaries, though, and sometimes we hurt one another purely by accident. This is where the art of apology becomes a very valuable tool to have in your emotional itinerary. A Mistake Can Be a Good Thing!

Relationships can be irreparably damaged by a mistake—or they can be stabilized and strengthened. The difference lies not in the mistakes made, but in how people respond to those mistakes. Many of us hate saying sorry for an obvious reason: We hate being wrong. We may feel resistant to the idea that we are the “baddies” in a situation, that we don’t always know what we’re doing, that we’re not perfect, and that our actions have caused harm and upset. However, if we can be mature and conscious enough to own all this, we unlock the potential for deeper, more rewarding relationships. To understand what a perfect apology looks like, simply start with the shoe on the other foot. Think of a time when someone did you wrong and you desperately wanted them to apologize.

What made you feel better? What is the worst way they could have reacted? Probably not apologizing at all, or even worse, trying to shift blame or make you seem unreasonable for being upset. If you ever feel tempted to wriggle out of saying sorry because you think it will make you look bad, try to remind yourself that shirking responsibility often looks far worse ... You’ve probably also felt what it’s like to receive a faux apology that lacks any real spirit of remorse. Some of us may even know what it’s like to receive an apology that only feels like a further insult! Keep all this in mind when you pitch your own apology.

The best ones are invariably those that demonstrate remorse and are sincere, genuine, and voluntary. It turns out that psychologist Lewicki and colleagues have narrowed down the precise formula for a winning apology, which they believe needs to contain six important elements: •Expression of regret •Explanation of what went wrong (without excuses or blame) •Taking responsibility •Repentance •Offering reparations •Request for forgiveness Interestingly, Lewicki et al. also list these features in order of their importance—meaning that expressing genuine regret is the most important, and asking outright for forgiveness is the least. That means that if you forget all the elements and rush to begging for forgiveness, your apology is not likely to land well. Let’s take a closer look. 1. Express your genuine regret It’s not enough to simply acknowledge that the other person is unhappy. For whatever reason, human beings want to know that those who have done them wrong also feel unhappy about it—that they experience remorse and regret. The very first thing you need to do is acknowledge the mistake or offense and let the other person know that you’re truly sorry.

Have you ever thought what it really means to be sorry? There’s a subtle difference between I’m sorry this situation is happening because it’s inconvenient for me and I’m sorry that I did something wrong and sincerely regret it because it hurt someone else. Tone becomes very important here because the person you are apologizing to will be very sensitive to the subtleties in your message, even if you are unconscious of them or think that your real intentions are hidden. You simply cannot come across as annoyed, insincere, or sarcastic. Saying “I’m sorry you got offended” just won’t cut it, and the other person will recognize such a statement for what it is: an underhanded act of war! Instead, you need to make sure that you’re communicating a real understanding that something has gone wrong, you’re to blame, and that this fact troubles you. Send the message that you belong to the same moral universe as the person you’ve hurt, and let them know that, just like them, you regret your behavior.

Does it matter if your offense came down to genuine malice or was just an accident? No. The harm to the other person is the same, and if you begin your apology by listing all the ways it’s not your fault and how you’re actually a victim, too, you’re just issuing a useless faux apology. 2. Explain what happened There is a fine line between an explanation and an excuse, and again, tone and phrasing matter. You want to let the other person know how it came to be that the offense was caused ... without diminishing the offense or trying to wriggle out of taking responsibility. Share your thinking and reasoning and why certain things happened. Point out the rationalizations behind your choices, especially if you truly did not intend to hurt them.

So much of the offense we feel when wronged by others is because we imagine that someone has deliberately done something to harm us. It can inspire strong feelings of defensiveness against what feels like disrespect and insult. But if you can show that this was not your intention, it can lower that defensiveness a little. You want them to understand that the offense was caused not because you don’t care or because you’re thoughtless or deliberately trying to create trouble. If it was an error, say so. If it wasn’t an error—well, tread carefully and don’t try to pass it off as one. If you’ve done something wrong because you were reckless, selfish, or inconsiderate, your apology will have more impact if you can acknowledge this fact plainly and then move on.

3. Take responsibility This should lead neatly to the next step, which is where you explicitly take ownership of the choices you’ve made and the actions you’ve taken. Don’t assume it’s obvious. The other person will want to hear that you take responsibility and accept fault. It’s hard to do, but if you can muster enough maturity to show that you’re aware you messed up and won’t be blaming anyone or anything else, you might find it’s actually a relief. It can be helpful to literally say the words It’s my fault or I own up to this. I take responsibility. Try not to add any ifs, ands, or buts.

If you (even subtly) try to suggest that someone else made you do it, or the situation forced you to behave that way, you’re not apologizing at all but passing the buck. 4. Repent! This is a pretty old-fashioned word, but a good one where apologies are concerned. When we feel someone has done us wrong, it’s like the whole order of the universe has been upended and thrown off balance. An injustice has occurred, and people will feel negatively until they’re able to square away that injustice or make things right again. Repentance is a way to show people we’ve wronged that we are interested in helping them find this moral equilibrium again. We say to them, “I did something wrong.

But you have my word that it will never happen again. Here are some things I’ve changed to make sure it never happens again ... ” The other wants to know that the pain and inconvenience mean something, and that you’re not going to do the exact same thing again in a week. They want to know that you’ve “learned your lesson”! Of course, a promise to atone and do better only has value if you actually follow through. Keep your word and do what you say you will—in this way your mistake can be an invitation into deeper trust with the other person. Be grateful if you have the opportunity to boost your own credibility and strengthen the other person’s faith in you—it can make you feel that the universe has been put in the right order again, too. 5. Offer to make amends Connected to promising to never make the same mistake again are any genuine efforts to undo the impact of the mistake you’ve already made.

How are you going to move forward? How can you make things right? It’s not always possible to do something to fix or reverse the damage done, but if you can take steps to improve the situation, do so, and do it without being asked. This puts some practical heft to your apology and shows the other person you’re willing to take on some of the work of repairing things instead of just letting them clean up the mess. If appropriate, offer to pay for damages, but if the offense caused is more abstract or emotional, a nice gift of flowers or chocolates can go a long way as a symbolic gesture of compensation. These little tokens don’t have to magically solve the problem, but they should cost you something and have incurred some effort on your part to organize. 6. Ask for forgiveness Only after you’ve done all of the above can you move on to asking for forgiveness directly.

The thing about this final step, however, is that it’s optional—and it’s there mostly for your benefit, not theirs. If the offense is large enough, you could forego asking for forgiveness entirely, or wait for them to forgive you on their own initiative. If you do ask, however, be mindful of how you phrase things. Express your desire for forgiveness as a hope and a wish, rather than a demand on them. That’s because the other person is not in fact obliged to forgive you at all, and even if they are, the offense might be bad enough that they need some time before they’re willing to move on. Think of the request for forgiveness as a formality that you finish off with but deliver without the expectation of being immediately absolved. You simply cannot put the other person in the position of having to relive your guilt or make you feel better when they may still be feeling upset.

So there you have it—structure your apology to tick all these boxes, and you’ll give yourself the greatest chance of righting a wrong and maybe even strengthening rapport with the other person. A few things to keep in mind, however: •Match your apology to the severity of the offense (that is, the other person’s perception of the offense, not yours). If you tramped mud over the floor they just washed, it doesn’t make sense to write them a full remorse-filled email and send them a dozen roses. That said, realize that your idea of how big the offense is might not match their idea (hint—go with their idea!). •Express remorse and regret without dwelling too much on how bad you feel. This can be a subtle way of shirking blame, centering yourself, or even passively forcing the other person to pacify you and your bad feelings. Focus on them and their feelings instead.

•If it’s a small mistake, apologize as soon as possible. If major upset has been caused, you might want to gain a little distance. Write a formal letter and send it a little while after the other person has time to process. But don’t leave it too late! •If the other person doesn’t forgive you or even responds with hostility, accept their reaction with grace and dignity. They may never forgive you, and that’s okay. If they’re upset, don’t keep trying to apologize—speak your mind clearly but just once, and then leave it.

There is no need to repeatedly apologize. To finish off, let’s look at what a well-structured apology might look like: “I’m sorry I yelled at you the other night. It wasn’t fair on you, and I can see it really upset you, and I’m sorry (express regret). I lost my temper but not because I don’t care about you or wanted to hurt your feelings. I just think I’ve been so overwhelmed at work lately and have been feeling pretty stressed out (explanation). But that doesn’t excuse yelling at you, and I take full responsibility for that. I give you my word I will never do it again.

I know it’s unacceptable (repentance). If you like, maybe I can take you out for a nice dinner this evening, just you and me? (reparations). I can’t go back and change the past, but I hope you can forgive me anyway (request for forgiveness)." Hard to imagine staying upset after that, right? Summary: •Human beings are complex, and not all problems and conflicts can be solved by simply heaping on more and more empathy and understanding. Emotional intelligence means having boundaries that are not too permeable or too rigid.

•Take the time to understand who you are, what you want, and what is unacceptable to you, then take responsibility for communicating that message clearly and directly to others. Whatever type of boundary you are setting a limit for (time, money, emotional energy, etc.), make sure that you are willing to follow through, and not use boundaries to passively control or manipulate others. •The DEARMAN acronym can help you make requests and refusals while staying polite. It stands for describe, express, assert, reinforce, mindfulness, appear confident, and negotiate. Emotionally mature and intelligent people take responsibility for how they navigate social spaces, and know that their needs and limits are always changing and under constant renegotiation. Real life is messy sometimes; be flexible and open to accommodation. •Conflict will happen, but what matters is how people respond to their mistakes.

A perfect apology can actually strengthen a relationship if it consists of these six parts: expression of regret, explanation of what went wrong (without excuses or blame), taking responsibility, repentance, offering reparations, and a request for forgiveness, in order of importance. •Good apologies are sincere and match the severity of the offense. Apologize quickly and remember that you are never owed an apology. If you're craving more social savvy, head over to bit.ly slash pkconsulting and sign up for Patrick King's free resources and check out the power of EQ, available on Audible, Amazon, and iTunes. Thanks for being with us this week, and we'll see you next Tuesday.