This is an encore episode — the companion to the episode about loving someone with relational trauma. This time, the conversation is for the partner with the deeper wounds.

You want to be close. You do. But when the moment arrives, something shifts. You pull back, shut down, say you're fine when you're not — and then hate yourself for it. Because no one told you that relational trauma doesn't disappear just because you found someone safe. If anything, safety is often when it shows up most.

This episode is for the partner who has been through things they don't always want to talk about. The one still learning what it means to be safe with someone, not just safe from them. It names the protection strategies that once made complete sense — the escalating, the vanishing, the performing, the perfecting — and looks honestly at what those strategies cost in a relationship where someone is genuinely trying to love you well. Not to shame those patterns. To help you see them clearly enough to start choosing something different.

What makes this episode particularly tender is the distinction it holds: your pain is real, your protective moves make complete sense, and they are also affecting the person trying to reach you. Both things are true at the same time. Understanding that isn't about guilt — it's about wanting the kind of relationship where you don't have to keep choosing control over closeness.

The shift isn't about being perfectly regulated or never getting triggered again. It's about learning to narrate what's happening instead of disappearing into it — to take one small emotional risk, make a repair a little sooner, and let your partner see you in the messy middle instead of only after the storm has passed. You don't have to be fully healed to love well. You just have to be willing to keep showing up.

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Resources

• Free 7-Day Relationship Challenge: 7 short emails and daily challenges that you can do with your morning coffee. You'll never see your relationship the same way again.
• Work with Me - Individualized Guidance: High-touch, individualized support for deep relational pattern change.
• Meaningful Journey Counseling (WA residents only): Licensed therapy services for individuals and couples in Washington State.

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for mental health treatment, therapy, diagnosis, or medical advice. Listening to this podcast does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing significant distress, please seek support from a licensed mental health professional or medical provider.

You're listening to Coupled With, the podcast that helps you take the guesswork out of feeling seen, heard, and valued in your relationship. If you've ever felt stuck in the same arguments, struggled to stay connected, or wondered how to better communicate with your partner, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Rachel Orlik, a couples therapist and coach, and together, we're going to make relationships make sense. Let's dive in.

You want to love, you do, but sometimes the moment gets close and you pull back. You shut down and then lash out. You say you're fine when you're definitely not, and then you start to hate yourself for it. Because here's the truth no one told you. Relational trauma doesn't go away just because you found a good person. It shows up

especially when you're safe, when someone sees you, stays with you, loves you well. That's when your system panics. Can I really trust this? When is the other shoe going to drop? What if I open up and I get hurt all over again? This week's episode is for you, the partner with the deeper wounds, the one who's been through things you often don't wanna talk about.

who's still learning what it means to be safe with another person, not just safe from them. This isn't about blame or shame. It's about truth telling and healing. Not perfection, not fixing yourself, but learning how to take tiny emotional risks so your partner can feel close without you losing yourself in the process. This episode is the second in a two part series

Last time I spoke to the partner loving someone with trauma, this time I'm talking to you. So let's get into it. Relational trauma isn't just bad relationships. It's about what your nervous system learned to expect in love. Maybe you grew up with a parent who exploded over small things or one who went quiet for days, leaving you guessing maybe you were wrong.

Maybe you were told your emotions were too much, that your needs were a burden, that being lovable meant staying small, perfect, or invisible. Or maybe it wasn't one big thing at all. Maybe it was all those little moments that taught you love equals control, or predictability, or betrayal. And now, even though you're with someone who's not trying to hurt you,

your body still responds like danger is right around the corner. That's not weakness. That's not drama. That's your nervous system doing what it learned to do to protect you. But here's where it starts to get kind of complicated because the strategies that once kept you safe, they can quietly sabotage the closeness you actually want now.

Let me share a story I've seen many versions of over the years, some in client work and even some in my own life. So someone in a long-term relationship comes into therapy because they're exhausted, not from their partner, but from themselves saying things like, they're so good to me. I don't know why I keep shutting down when things are going well. I just wait for something bad to happen. Sometimes I just start a fight.

just to get space, but then I feel horrible and I start to get clingy afterwards. That person isn't broken. They're relationally wired for survival. Because trauma says don't need too much, don't get too close, don't show them all of you or they're gonna leave, or worse, they'll stay and hurt you even more. And even when your partner is calm, steady, and safe,

Your body remembers the moments that weren't. So you might withdraw when conflict starts, numb out during sex or intimacy, assume the worst in their tone or their silence, feel guilty when things are good because it feels unfamiliar, and even get overwhelmed by everyday closeness, like they're just too in your space. Let's name something clearly here.

This doesn't make you toxic. This makes you human. Relational trauma doesn't mean you're doomed. It just means you learned love a different way. And now you have to learn it again in real time with someone who actually sees you. So let's talk about the moment where things start to go sideways. You're having a normal conversation, maybe even a good one. And then something shifts. Your partner's

tone changes or they look or say something that feels a little off. And before your brain can even catch up, your body reacts. Your chest tightens, your jaw clenches, your heart rate picks up, and you go cold or hot or blank. Maybe you say something sharp without meaning to. Maybe you go completely silent. Maybe you suddenly feel nothing, flat, numb.

like you're watching it all from outside of yourself. This is what trauma does. It doesn't wait for logic. It doesn't ask permission. It hijacks the moment and drops you into an old pattern that feels safer than being vulnerable. Because somewhere along the way, your system decided, I want to act first so I don't get hurt. Or I need to act to know that they care about me.

Or if I disappear emotionally, no one can abandon me. If I keep control, I'm not gonna get blindsided. And so those protectors show up fast and they're good at their job. But here's the catch. They don't just protect you from the pain. They also block connection. Let me give you some examples of how this actually shows up in real relationships.

There is what I call the escalator. When someone feels something off and they get loud, not because they're trying to be mean, but because silence terrifies them. You'd rather start the conflict than wait to be heard by it, or you escalate as a way to signal to yourself that your partner is still in it and with you and cares. But your partner experiences it as intensity or attack. And then there's the vanisher.

You go quiet, you freeze, you tell yourself you're processing, but really you're disappearing because speaking your needs or feelings feels really dangerous and it always has. You don't know how to stay present and vulnerable at the same time. Maybe you're the performer. You stay nice and agreeable, low maintenance. You read your partner's mood like a pro. You become whatever they need and later,

You're just full of resentment and you don't even know why. You might be the analyst. You talk in circles around your feelings. You intellectualize instead of getting messy. Vulnerability feels really slippery. So you stick to logic, but your partner is left wondering, do they actually feel anything at all?

and you might actually be the perfectionist. You try to be the ideal partner. You keep the peace. You avoid conflict by anticipating every need, fixing the problems before they even happen so they don't escalate at all, being there three steps ahead. But you're always tired, and under it all, you're feeling lonely. Do any of these sound familiar? These patterns are not personality traits.

There are adaptations and brilliant ones at that. They helped you survive. They protected you from chaos and abandonment and emotional whiplash. But in your relationship now, especially if you're with someone who's trying to love you well, they just don't serve the same purpose and they actually become barriers. Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because connection requires presence.

And trauma-trained protectors tend to be really good at getting you out of the present. One client I work with said that they didn't even realize they were testing their partner. They'd always just pull away and see if he would follow. And if he didn't, they'd tell themself, see, I knew he'd leave. But the truth is that they never gave him a chance to show up. That's the cruelty of trauma.

It makes you rehearse the outcome you fear just to feel like you have control over it. And when you're caught in that loop long enough, you start to believe that you're the problem, that you're too complicated, too reactive, too much to love. You are not broken. You are trying to feel safe in the only way that you know how. And here's the good news. Your patterns aren't set in stone.

They're just well practiced and you can learn new ones slowly, gently in a relationship with someone who's willing to go there with you. So we're gonna talk about what this actually looks like in real life because healing isn't about being perfectly regulated or never getting triggered again. It's about learning how to recognize your protective moves and choose something different, something truer.

when connection matters more than control. Let's talk about something tender, because while this episode is here to honor you, your history, your healing, and your inner world, we also have to name this truth. Your pain affects the person who loves you.

And I know, hearing that can feel brutal, because chances are you're already hard on yourself. You already carry shame for the way you react sometimes. You already worry you're too much or too cold or not emotionally available enough. So let me be clear upfront. I'm not blaming you. This is about repair.

Because understanding how your trauma shows up for your partner isn't about guilt. It's about being in the kind of relationship you actually want. One where you don't have to keep choosing safety over closeness. So let's name what it's like for them. Your partner may be wondering if you even like them. Feeling like they're always walking on eggshells?

constantly guessing how to say it right so you don't pull away, giving more than they get emotionally, and afraid to bring up their needs because they don't want to overwhelm you.

These are things that I deal with in my relationship every day.

And the truth is that our partners love us deeply, but they may also feel lonely or confused. Or like no matter how gently they try to reach for you, they just get met with distance, defensiveness, or shutdown. I've sat with many partners who say, just want to feel chosen, or I'm constantly trying to prove that I'm not this bad guy.

Sometimes they just feel invisible, like there's no room for them in a relationship. And I know that's really hard to hear because it can sound like they're saying, your trauma is the problem.

Quick pause here, because what we're talking about in this episode is often part of a larger pattern. One partner starts trying harder to hold the relationship together, the other partner starts pulling back, and both nervous systems end up feeling more and more overwhelmed. If that dynamic feels familiar, I made something that might help. It's a free 10-minute training called Why Love Feels Like Too Much, where I explain the cycle that escalates both partners.

and a short nervous system reset that can help you interrupt the spiral before it turns into another painful fight. You can find it at the link in the show notes.

But it's not. What they're really saying is, I want to be close to you and I don't know how. And let's be honest, you don't always know how either. I struggle with that too. There are times that I just want to let my husband in. I really do. But sometimes it's like there's a wall that I don't even remember building. And that's really what makes this work so frustrating.

The very things you do to protect your heart are often the things that make your partner feel shut out. And then you feel ashamed. And then you feel shut down more. And then you get quieter or angrier. And round and round the cycle it goes.

As you may have gathered, I've been on both sides of this. There have been many times in my marriage when I've just felt so activated, so raw and on edge from things outside of our relationship that end up playing out inside our relationship. And I become really emotionally unavailable. I pull away without meaning to. I get cold when what I really want is comfort.

but I don't know how to let that comfort in. I don't trust it.

and my husband? He's steady, he's kind, and he's human.

But there comes a point where there's only so much that he can take without feeling like I'm just shutting him out completely. And when I hear that, it guts me. And it's not because he said anything wrong. It's because I realized that I'm making him work so hard to love me. And I wasn't giving him the chance to show up and help me feel safe.

You know, when we have those moments where he and I talk and we're able to notice what's happening, it doesn't fix everything, but it shifts something. It makes me ask myself, what do I want more, control or connection? And that's the question I want to offer you now, because you can't undo the past. You can't erase the ways your body learned to protect you, but you can start choosing differently.

You can start noticing when you're about to shut down and say, wow, this feels really hard for me right now, but I don't want to disappear. You can let your partner see you in the messy middle instead of only after the storm passes. You can make room for their needs too. Not because yours don't matter, but because you matter enough to show up in the fullness of real love. Not just the safety of control.

So let's talk about how this actually looks. How to take small, doable emotional risks so they don't overwhelm your system, but start building the trust that you crave, both in them and in yourself. You don't have to leap, you just have to start moving toward. So here's the part where your brain might start screaming, okay, I'm fine, I get it, but how?

How do you take risks when everything in your body says protect and pull back and don't you dare get hurt again? The answer? You don't bulldoze through the fear. You get curious about it. And then you take one small step anyway. Because the goal here isn't to be fearless, it's to build a new relationship with fear, where it doesn't have to drive the car anymore. Let's break this down into some small doable steps.

emotional risks that start to shift your relationship without overwhelming your nervous system. Number one, narrate, don't perform. You don't have to be perfectly regulated when you speak. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is simply name what's happening inside of you. Even if you don't know what to do with it yet. Instead of disappearing or snapping, try, something about this is making me shut down and I'm not sure why.

or my first instinct is to walk away right now, but I'm trying to stay in it. Or maybe you can try something like, I feel my body bracing and I just wanna let you know that's happening. It's not because you did anything wrong, but because something old is getting triggered here. These are tiny acts of vulnerability and they do two things at once. One, they help your partner stay connected instead of confused.

And two, they help you stay present instead of checked out. Then we can move on to step two. You own your own patterns without shame. You don't have to solve them all right now, but you can start to own your part in the cycle. Try saying something like, I know I tend to get quiet when I feel overwhelmed. I don't wanna make you feel like I'm pushing you away.

or sometimes I test closeness because I'm scared it's not gonna last. I'm working on it. When you name a pattern with care, not an apology and not self-loathing, it builds trust. It tells your partner, see what's happening and I want something better for us. Then number three, just make repairs sooner. Your old survival strategy says to avoid

disappear and wait for it to blow over. But a secure connection says, come back, you're still wanted. So start with something like, that didn't go the way I hoped. Can we try again? Or, I pulled away earlier because I was overwhelmed, but I don't wanna stay disconnected. Repairs really don't have to be eloquent. They just have to be real and honest.

And the more you practice returning, coming back even awkwardly, the more your body learns that closeness doesn't equal danger anymore. Which leads me to number four, which is to celebrate the brave moments. It's so easy to focus on what went wrong, but your nervous system needs evidence that change is actually working. So when you stay present during a hard conversation, when you reach, even though your gut says shut down,

When you express a need clearly instead of testing it sideways, pause and say, well, that was hard and I did it anyway. Better yet, let your partner reflect that back to you. You deserve to feel your own growth, not just track it. This work isn't linear. Some days you'll do all the things. And then other days when you're in survival mode, it's gonna take the wheel again. But that doesn't mean you're failing.

It means you're learning and rewiring and you're choosing something new. It's one breath, one conversation, one risk at a time. And the truth is, you don't have to be fully healed to love well. You just have to be honest about your humanity and willing to keep showing up even when it's messy. Let's take a moment here. Just a breath before you rush back into the rest of your day.

Because if you made it to the end of this episode, you didn't just listen. You actually showed up. You showed up for yourself and your partner and for the parts of you that learned to protect instead of connect. And those are the parts of you that are finally starting to wonder if there might be another way. So let's anchor this in a few final truths. You are not too much, you are not broken, and you are not hard to love.

You are someone who survived what wasn't safe. And now you're learning how to live and love differently. That deserves recognition, not shame, not pressure, and not another list of things you should have done better. This isn't about perfection. It's about choosing to stay connected to yourself and to the people who love you.

even when your system is screaming for distance. That's the real work. That's the brave work. And you're already doing it. So if this episode resonated, if it made you cry or breathe a little easier, please don't let it end here. Let it become a conversation. Forward it to your partner, not as a confession, not as a plea, not as a way to criticize, but as an invitation.

This helped me understand myself a little bit more. I'd love for you to hear it too. Or you can go one step further. You can grab my free seven-day email course. It's called Break the Cycle if you haven't already. It walks you through short daily insights and practices to help you stop the same painful fight from playing out again and again. Even if you've tried everything, even if you're exhausted, even if you're scared, you'll never get this right.

You can find it at my website, www.drrachaelorlack.com, or I'll list it in the show notes. And if you need to hear this one more time, you're not failing, you're learning, you're growing, and love doesn't require you to be perfect. It just asks you to stay in the room as yourself, even when it's hard, maybe especially when it's hard.

Thanks for being here with me today and I'll see you next time. If you want the guided version of this work, my private audio series is linked in the show notes. You can start anytime. That's it for today's episode of Coupled With. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to hit subscribe so you never miss what's next. And if you found it helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a quick rating and review.

It really helps more than you know. And if you're curious about how we might work together or want more resources to strengthen your relationship, head over to my website, www.drrachaelorlick.com. You'll find free tools, podcast extras, and ways to go deeper. Thanks again for listening and I'll see you next time.