For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs tackles one of the most common and most painful patterns parents face: knowing your anger is a problem, trying to change and finding yourself right back where you started.

Whether you have made promises to your kids that didn't hold, tried parenting tips that worked for a week and then faded, or felt the shame of yelling again after genuinely trying not to, this episode is for you.

Rather than offering generic parenting advice, Alastair gets to the root of why the same triggers keep setting parents off and walks through practical, specific strategies that actually change the pattern.

And the good news is, this is not about willpower. Once you understand what is really driving your anger in those moments, everything becomes more manageable.

Key Takeaways:

• Your child's behaviour is rarely the real cause of your anger. On a good day, spilled cereal gets a calm response. On a hard day, it triggers an explosion. The difference is what is already happening inside you, not what your child did.
• Before you react, take ten seconds to ask yourself what you are actually feeling. Overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed about something else entirely. Getting honest about what is yours and what is theirs is the first step to real change.
• Vague rules create conflict. Kids need specifics, not instructions like "be good" or "don't interrupt." When you give them a clear action to take instead, there is far less room for the kind of friction that tips you over the edge.
• Catch your kids doing something right. Children get attention when they misbehave and silence when they behave well. Specific praise for good behaviour teaches them what to do, not just what to avoid, and makes cooperation more rewarding than conflict.
• Say how you feel, not what they are. Telling a child they are difficult or that they never listen teaches them something is wrong with them. An I statement focuses on your feelings and keeps the conversation open instead of shutting it down.
• Sometimes the person who needs the timeout is you. When you feel the heat rising and you are about to say something you will regret, stepping away and saying "I need a minute" is not weakness. It is emotional intelligence, and your kids will learn it by watching you do it.
• You do not have to figure this out alone. Seeking help for your anger is not a last resort. It is what parents who care the most tend to do. Understanding what is driving your anger makes the pattern far easier to change.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you are ready to stop yelling and start feeling calmer and more connected with your kids:

• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
• Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

You've known your anger is an issue for some time.

Maybe you've even searched YouTube for parenting advice or how to control your anger.

And maybe you've even tried the tips you learned.

Or maybe you've even sat your kids down and promised them, or promised yourself that things were going to be different next time.

And for a while, maybe they were.

You felt more patient, more in control.

But then your stress crept back in, your tiredness hit.

The pressure built up and one day you found yourself right back where you started yelling, shouting, saying things to your kids you instantly regretted.

And then the guilt hit.

The wondering what's wrong with you, the shame, the embarrassment.

If you can relate to this, then here's what I want you to firstly, you are not alone.

Too many parents find themselves in your situation angry, seeking help.

But the anger management tips or parenting advice you've been given, it's likely been missing something critical.

Because the problem is not your kid's behaviour and it is not your willpower either.

The problem is what's happening inside you in those moments.

And until you understand that peace, nothing else will ever truly stick.

Hello and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm Alistair Dwes and for over 30 years I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

With that said, let's talk about the truth that most parenting books won't tell you to begin with.

Your child's behavior isn't actually what makes you angry.

I know that sounds wrong.

Your kid just dumped cereal all over the floor for the third time this week.

Of course that's what made you angry, right?

But think about this.

On a good day, when you've slept well and work's going fine, that same spilled cereal might get a calm okay, let's clean this up.

Response.

On a bad day, you explode.

Same behavior, different reaction.

The difference is what's already happening inside you.

A working mother I worked with recently realized she was angriest with her kids right after getting off difficult work calls, her son's typical 7 year old.

Chaos wasn't the problem.

Her unprocessed stress was just looking for an outlet.

So before you address your child's behaviour, take 10 seconds and ask, what am I actually feeling right now?

Overwhelmed.

Disrespected.

Exhausted.

Anxious about something else entirely.

You're not making excuses for bad behaviour.

You're just getting honest about what's yours and what's theirs.

And that clarity changes everything.

Next, give your kids a roadmap, not a guessing game.

Kids misbehave for lots of reasons, but one of the biggest is simpler than you'd think.

They genuinely don't know what you expect.

Be good means nothing to a child.

Don't be rude is also too vague.

They need specifics.

Instead of saying, don't interrupt, say when I'm on the phone, wait until I'm finished talking.

If it's urgent, you can tap my arm once and I'll know you need me.

Hear the difference?

In the second example, you've given them an actual action to take, not just a behavior to avoid.

This is something I help parents with all the time in my coaching.

We take those fuzzy rules that exist in your head and turn them into clear guidelines your kids can actually follow.

Because when expectations are clear, there's way less room for conflict.

Next, catch your kids doing something right.

Here's what happens in Most kids get attention when they misbehave and silence when they behave well.

Think about your own experience.

When was the last time someone noticed and commented on something you did right?

It felt good, didn't made you want to keep doing it.

Your kids are no different.

So instead of waiting for bad behavior to correct, start catching good behaviour to praise.

And I don't mean generic good job statements.

Get specific such I really appreciate how you put your dishes in the sink without me asking, or you did a great job waiting patiently while I finished that email.

I noticed you shared your toy with your sister.

That was kind.

This isn't about being soft or permissive, it's about being strategic.

You're teaching your kids what what to do, not just what not to do.

And you're making good behavior more rewarding than bad behaviour.

Next, say how you feel, not what they are.

When your child acts out, your natural instinct is to say things like, you're being so difficult right now, or why are you always like this?

But here's what your child actually hears.

Something's wrong with me.

I'm a difficult person, so try this instead.

Use I statements that focus on your feelings, not their character.

Instead of saying, you're being so loud and annoying, say, I feel frustrated when there's a lot of noise because I'm trying to concentrate.

Or instead of saying, you never listen, try I feel unheard when I ask you something and you don't respond.

A dad I work with struggled with this for months.

He'd grown up in a house where kids were told what they were.

Lazy, careless, difficult.

When he started using I statements with his own son, he said it felt awkward at first, almost too soft.

But within two weeks, he noticed his son actually started apologising and changing behaviour instead of getting defensive and shutting down.

Next.

Put yourself in their tiny, chaotic shoes.

Your four year old is melting down in the grocery store because you won't buy the cereal with the cartoon character on it.

Your first instinct?

Probably frustration, maybe embarrassment.

Definitely the urge to just make it stop.

But pause for a second and ask, what's actually happening for your child right now?

Maybe they're tired.

Maybe they've been dragged through boring errands all morning.

Maybe they saw something exciting and colourful, they wanted it.

You said no.

And they don't have the emotional regulation skills yet to handle that disappointment.

To them, this feels massive, unfair, overwhelming.

I'm not saying give them the cereal.

I'm saying respond to the feeling, not just the behavior.

Say, I know you really wanted that cereal.

It's hard when we can't get something we want.

Let's find another way to make today fun together.

When you do this, you've acknowledged their emotion, you've held your boundary and you've offered connection instead of conflict.

Because empathy doesn't mean permissiveness, it means understanding.

And when kids feel understood, they calm down faster.

Next.

Know when you need a timeout.

Here's a secret most parenting advice won't tell you.

Sometimes the person who needs the time out isn't your child.

It's you.

You feel that heat rising in your chest, your jaws clenched, Your kid just said something snarky for the 15th time and you're about to say something you'll regret.

That's your signal not to push through, not to stay strong, but to step away.

I need a minute.

I'm going to the other room to calm down and then we'll talk about this.

You're not abandoning them.

You're not avoiding the issue.

You're modeling something incredibly important that when emotions get too big, the healthy response is to pause, not explode.

A mom I worked with was shocked when her 8 year old daughter started doing this too.

After watching her mum take time outs for a few weeks, the daughter started saying, I'm feeling too angry to talk right now.

I need a break.

That's not weakness, that's emotional intelligence.

And you teach it by doing it yourself first.

Lastly, you don't have to figure this out alone.

If you're struggling to stay calm with your kids, you're not a bad parent.

You're human.

And just like you wouldn't feel ashamed about hiring a tutor for your kid's math struggles, there's no shame in getting help for your anger.

Parenting classes, Therapy, coaching?

These aren't last resorts, they're tools.

And the parents who use them and are usually the ones who care the most, not the least.

And my complete anger management system has helped thousands of parents break the yelling cycle faster than they thought possible.

Because once you understand what's actually driving your anger, you can finally change the pattern.

So here's what I want you to Discipline doesn't have to mean anger, and staying calm doesn't mean being a pushover.

And the most effective parents aren't the ones who never get angry.

They're the ones who've learned to catch themselves before the anger takes over, and who've built clear systems that make discipline less about emotion and more about teaching.

If you're ready to stop yelling and start connecting with your kids, visit angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute phone call with me where we'll talk about your specific situation and create a plan to help you stay calm even when your kids are pushing every button you have.

That's angersecrets.com okay, thanks for listening.

If you found this episode useful, please take a second to to like and review this podcast.

This helps other people find these valuable anger management tools.

And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

The anger management podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.