Divorce mistakes, divorce recovery, women over 40, divorce support, life after divorce, divorce coaching, and emotional healing. In this episode of Doing Divorce Different, Lesa Koski shares the seven most common divorce mistakes she sees women make—and how to avoid them.

If you're navigating divorce, feeling overwhelmed, worried about finances, struggling with parenting decisions, or wondering how you'll rebuild your life, this episode is for you. Lesa draws from years of experience as a divorce mediator and coach to help women avoid costly mistakes while holding onto hope for the future.

You'll learn how to make better decisions during divorce, overcome fear around finances, protect your children from emotional fallout, build a support system, care for your physical and emotional health, and most importantly, keep hope alive during one of life's hardest transitions.

Divorce recovery is not about being perfect. It's about taking the next right step. Whether you're considering divorce, currently going through it, or rebuilding afterward, this episode will help you move forward with more confidence and clarity.

TIMESTAMPS:

(00:00) Introduction to the most common divorce mistakes

(03:10) Making decisions based on emotion instead of information

(08:45) Overcoming fear about finances during divorce

(15:12) Why the court won't provide emotional justice

(21:35) Protecting children during divorce

(28:05) The danger of refusing help and support

(34:18) Why taking care of your body matters during divorce

(42:40) Holding onto hope when life feels uncertain

(49:10) Final encouragement and next steps

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• Slow down and gather information before making major financial or legal decisions.

• Learning about your finances can reduce fear and build confidence.

• Children should never be used as messengers, therapists, or allies during divorce.

• Healing happens faster when you ask for help and build community.

• Hope is believing something good can still come from something hard.

HOST BIO:

Lesa Koski is a divorce mediator, coach, attorney, and host of Doing Divorce Different. She helps women over 40 navigate divorce with greater confidence, clarity, and hope through mediation, coaching, courses, and community. Her mission is to help women understand that midlife is not their crisis—it's their comeback.

RESOURCE LINKS:

Free Divorce Roadmap:

www.lesakoski.com

Divorce Comeback Community:

www.lesakoski.com

Connect with Lesa:

www.lesakoski.com

TAGS/KEYWORDS:

divorce mistakes, divorce recovery, women over 40, divorce support, divorce coach, divorce mediator, life after divorce, emotional healing, financial confidence after divorce, co-parenting, child custody, divorce advice for women, midlife women, rebuilding after divorce, hope after divorce, divorce comeback, divorce roadmap, women and divorce, personal growth after divorce

Welcome back to Doing Divorce Different.

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I'm Lisa, the divorce mediator and

coach who a lot of you know, and

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someone who has spent years helping

women to navigate, like, the most

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difficult transitions of their life.

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Today, we're gonna talk about seven common

mistakes women make during divorce, and

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more importantly, how to avoid them.

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So before I jump in, I just wanna be

clear, if you're making one of these

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mistakes, you're not doing anything wrong.

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Divorce is emotional.

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It's scary.

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It's overwhelming.

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And most people only go through it once,

and if you go through it again, you really

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wanna listen and, um, you know, you wanna

learn how to not have it happen again.

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So my goal today is to help you avoid

some of the most common pitfalls

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that can cost you time, money,

peace, and unnecessary stress.

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And I'll do another one about how

to not be here again in the future.

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And I think right now if you're in the

jumble of going through this emotional,

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um, thing like, you know, a divorce

is, I think you're gonna wanna know

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some of the pitfalls and not to let

them scare you because remember, I

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never want these to put fear in you.

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I always want you to hold onto the

hope, um, because you're, it's gonna

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be better on the other side, and this

is just here to help you because when

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we know better, we do better, right?

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So here's the first one.

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They're not really in any order.

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I don't know which one I would

categorize as the top mistake.

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But one of them is making decisions

based on emotion instead of information.

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And it's hard because when

people first discover, like, a

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betrayal or they're realizing

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their marriage is ending,

there's a lot of hurt.

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There's anger.

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There's people that feel scared.

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And I want you to know that makes sense.

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That's completely normal.

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And one of the biggest mistakes I see

is making financial or legal decisions

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while you're operating from pure emotion.

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And when I'm working with my clients,

sometimes I have to get them back

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to their body, um, because when

you're in the state of turmoil,

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it's hard to self-coach yourself.

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Sometimes you just have

to take some deep breaths.

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Sometimes you have to take a little

break and move your body, um, because

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you wanna be thinking clearly, and

it's hard when things are emotional.

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So do your best to get into a state.

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Prepare before you go into your

mediation or to talk about your divorce.

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Prepare yourself.

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Take care of yourself.

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Um- Because mistakes happen when

you've got that anger and emotion.

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Like sometimes I'll- I've seen women

keep the home because they wanna fight

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for it, and they want it for their

kids, and they can't really afford

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it, and it makes life unbearable.

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We've got podcasts about that.

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Um, I've seen people spend thousands

of dollars Fighting over something

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that's worth a fraction of the

amount of the, of the fight.

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So when emotions are high, slow down.

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You know, and I even…

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I just had some new clients, and this

is all new to one of the spouses.

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She's, uh, y- the spouse is learning about

deception and things that have happened,

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and I said, "Hey, take a little time.

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This is new to you."

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The other spouse knows about it.

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I want her to get in a good spot

before she can move forward.

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And I don't know if you can call it a good

spot, but you can get your mindset better.

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So and if you can slow that down,

it helps you gather information and

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understand your options and make decisions

from wisdom rather than reaction.

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I can…

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Let me tell you, I can do it in all sorts

of ways in my own life by reacting, and I

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have had to learn to stop and slow down,

surrender, be in stillness, stop the spin.

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So and you know what?

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You don't have to make

every decision today.

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Just start learning and becoming

aware of things surrounding your

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situation, your finances, and divorce.

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So give yourself permission to pause,

breathe, and get the facts because

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if you're like me, we women rush.

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I rush.

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I feel like I have to fix

everything right away.

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You don't.

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Surrender it.

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Be still.

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Give yourself the time.

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I'm not saying I want this to drag out

for your life, but you need time so

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that you can be in the right mindset.

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Okay, here's another big mistake, and

I have not been through a divorce.

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I've been through hard

times, as most of you know.

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Um, but this is something that

affects me just in life in general,

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and that is being afraid of finances.

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Some w- y- usually in a marriage, one

person takes care of the finances, and

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one person just kind of lets it go.

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I was kind of in charge of paying the

bills, but may, you know, didn't really

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know the, what our assets were, and

I'm telling you, and I was afraid.

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I didn't want to.

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But once I started learning about

our finances, it gave me power,

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and honestly, it's not that scary.

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So one of the most common things I hear

from women is, "Lisa, I'm terrified

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about finances, um, because my spouse

has handled all the investments.

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They paid the bills.

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I don't even know how to log

into a retirement account."

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You are not alone.

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I didn't either, and that's okay

because, like I said, you're not alone.

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And here's what I want you to know.

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You do not need to become a

financial expert overnight.

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You just need to become curious

because divorce can actually

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become an opportunity to learn new

skills you may have needed before.

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You may have never needed them before,

but you kind of did because it does

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make you feel stronger and better.

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So just start by understanding

What's coming in every month,

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what's going out every month.

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If you want, just send me a little

message, um, and I can send you my

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spreadsheet that has a little budget

that will help you remember like, oh,

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garbage is this, and oh yeah, my home-

my, you know, association fee, or whatever

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things you have that you might not

think of, I have that if you need it.

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You wanna know what assets you own.

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Um, getting the whole clear, big

picture is going to help you bec-

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this is what I want you to know.

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The number one worry when I meet with

clients is their kids and their finances,

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and once we have that meeting about

the kids and get the parenting plan

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down, they breathe a sigh of relief.

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Then we go in and we have that

financial and we look at everything,

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and they're so scared coming in,

and so many times they feel relief

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when they look at the whole picture.

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You can do that on your own.

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So just

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Every, just know knowledge reduces fear.

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It really does.

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Every financial document you review

is just one more step to confidence.

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I have done this, and I know you can too.

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And I've watched countless women,

countless clients that I've had say,

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"I can't do this," and then all of a

sudden they're like, "I've got this."

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And you just wait.

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When you're out there a year, you're

gonna be like, "Ah, I get to decide

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how I want to spend my money."

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There's women doing it all over.

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No one else is telling you

how to spend your money.

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It's a beautiful gift of

this whole stinky situation.

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Okay, here's another mistake or

misthought is that thinking the

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court will deliver emotional justice.

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They don't.

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So…

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And this one kind of

surprises people, and we…

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Like I always give legal information about

what the laws are, and they do basically

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say, you know, divide things 50/50 or…

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So many people believe that the legal

system is going to punish bad behavior.

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The truth is divorce courts generally

focus on just dividing the a- uh,

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dividing the assets and then addressing

support issues, creating parenting

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plans, setting up the child support.

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There's not…

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They're not there to like heal your

emotions, obviously, and they're

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not there to validate every hurt.

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So they're not going to listen to you if

you start talking about the bad things

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that happened, a- and they're usually not

there to punish someone, you know, for

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being a bad spouse in these situations.

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So just know that because I know we can

get focused on the things that happened.

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This is what I want you

to focus on, your future.

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And yes, know the laws.

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Know that, you know, things

should be divided 50/50,

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um, i- in general, you know.

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And understand spousal maintenance,

and if you need it, and if,

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how long you need it for.

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I have a podcast about that.

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Send me a note if you

have, um, more questions.

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And it's interesting too because

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When women are going through

this, sometimes the emotions

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make them quit too early.

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They just go, "I don't want to

deal with this anymore," and

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they don't get what they need.

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And the judge is gonna let you do that.

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Like, I've seen women give up a

lot of assets, and men, that they

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don't need to, but they just…

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the other person is a bully or they're

not leaving the house or whatever

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it is, and so they give that up.

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They give up a lot of the assets that

are just legally theirs because they just

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want to get that person out of their life.

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I'm not saying that's not legit.

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I just want you to know, I want you to

really think through your future and

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if that's what you really need, because

this can be a marathon depending on who

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you're, you're, you know, up against.

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But I don't want you to give up something

that you really are gonna need and

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that really should be yours according

to the law just to get it over with.

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So it goes both ways.

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I don't want you to fight over

something that doesn't make sense.

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So, okay, here's mistake number four.

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I got to keep moving.

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Um, and I had a past friend who did this

all the time, and I know, like, I can't

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be a no-no because I, I know it's hard.

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Using your children as

messengers, therapists, or allies.

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Do not alienate them

from the other parent.

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In my situation, this, uh, woman

who used to be my friend Was hurt.

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Her hu- I mean, there were issues in the

marriage, and yeah, it was horrible, and

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her husband cheated on her, and she told

her daughter, who was in kindergarten.

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She used her as her therapist.

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She told her everything bad about her dad.

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She kept the dad away, and that's…

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Everybody knows that they're half their

dad and half their mom, and everybody,

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you know, they need that relationships.

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People screw up, and your

kids don't need to carry that.

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They do not need to carry that.

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Get a therapist, and this gal did, and

she had friends, but she still did it.

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She just wanted her daughter to

hate her dad as much as she did.

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And I know divorce hurts, but your,

just, your kids should never carry

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that emotional weight of divorce.

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And they shouldn't deliver a message.

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They shouldn't take sides.

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They shouldn't hear the details.

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Never become your th- your therapist.

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Um, even adult children,

guys, they can feel trapped.

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I know they can handle more, but

it's still a big deal for them.

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Even when you're hurt, even when it's

difficult, even when you're disappointed,

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your children didn't create the divorce,

and they shouldn't have to carry it.

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So you're hurting them by…

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It's kind of like you're bringing the hurt

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your spouse put on you, and now

you're sharing it with your kid.

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Why?

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You don't need to do that.

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Mistake number five, refusing help.

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Guys, this is, ugh, my biggest thing.

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I have this great friend, Shannon, and

when I was going through my treatment,

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um, for, uh, when they caught that

stage one breast cancer, people

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would say, like, "What do you need?"

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And I would never say.

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It's really hard, and I do wanna

make this little Uh, point.

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If you're on the other

end, fly in and help.

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Because I can accept it when people

just come in and bring me a meal,

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but I can't tell you I need a meal.

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But I need to.

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You…

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And I know my mama, she is so cute.

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She's 80, almost 82, and

she hates asking for help.

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And we have to, because as we age, when

things happen in life, we need help.

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And I'm just gonna tell you, my husband

had heart surgery, and I didn't think

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it was gonna be as big of a deal

as it was because we were kind of

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led to believe this robotic surgery

wouldn't be that bad, and it was awful.

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And I came home.

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I hadn't done any preparing.

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I didn't have any meals, and

I didn't ask anyone for help.

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I thought I had to do it

all myself, and we don't.

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Let's heal from this because, a- and

I'm telling you, it's common among

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strong women because we have spent our

lives taking care of everyone else.

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Divorce is not a time

to do everything alone.

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Build a team.

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Maybe there's a therapist, a coach.

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I can coach you.

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Oh my gosh, I have to tell

you, I have this new group.

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You can ask for a link.

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You can find it on my website.

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It's $47 a month.

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We get together every Wednesday

at noon, Central Standard Time,

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and I'm there talking through.

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I'll have a topic that'll last about

20 to 30 minutes, and then I'm there

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to answer any questions that you have.

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And then we have a little community,

and it's a positive place.

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It's a support group for you if you're

going through something hard like divorce.

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And it doesn't just have to be divorce.

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Um, but that is the gist of it.

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It's called Divorce Comeback.

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But I'm telling you, if you are a

woman, um, of my age and coming back

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from anything, it can be helpful.

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So you need trusted friends.

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I think a church is good.

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And I have issues because I church

jump, and I feel like I need to find

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one because that can be a community.

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It matters for our overall wellbeing

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And that's, that's what I'm…

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I, I have a little note here, "Don't

forget to talk about The Divorce Comeback

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Club," because I watch women heal

faster when they realize they weren't

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alone, and that's why I want this group.

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I did…

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I actually did a group divorce mediation

where I had couples come together, and

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the women said, "This is so healing."

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We did their divorces together.

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I had couples.

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We didn't…

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Y- you know, we could have

separate meetings, but we would go

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through the gist of it together.

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I'm not doing that right now.

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I'm doing the Comeback, Divorce

Comeback, but it is that group

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setting that one of the women was

like, "This is so therapeutic."

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Um, okay.

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Mistake number six, that you

forget to take care of your body.

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It's the thing you hear all the time,

"Put the oxygen mask on yourself first."

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I know we get sick of hearing

that, but it's so true.

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If you are gonna serve God in what

other- whatever capacity he's got set

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out for you, as a mother, as a grandma,

as a store clerk, as a whatever it is,

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He's using you, and you gotta take care

of you because He loves you and He…

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Your whole body is a gift.

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So this is incredibly important to me, and

stress affects everything, and it's the

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thing that I have the hardest time with,

even when I feel my life is going great.

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So do everything you

can to get your sleep.

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It feels so good.

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Just let yourself go to bed.

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I sleep awful.

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I'm a, you know, menopausal woman,

and I wake up all the time, but I

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give myself such a long time in bed,

I usually get enough sleep anyway.

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So watch your hormones.

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I mean, you can go to a, a physician

if you feel like you're needing some

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support hormonally because that's

real, and we have podcasts on that.

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You want to just make sure you have

energy and, and taking care of your

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body is what's gonna help your mood.

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Remember how they say, like, getting

out for a walk for 30 minutes is just

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as effective as a antidepressant?

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Take care of yourself.

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Enjoy that walk.

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Take a beautiful one.

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Do it with a friend.

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It's gonna help with your

decision-making and your mood and

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your energy and all the things set.

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So When we're overwhelmed, taking care

of ourselves is the first thing to go.

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When I went through my hard time, I

kind of had to surrender everything,

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and it brought me back to that because

it was kind of the only thing that I…

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The only thing that I…

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We really can't control much, but

we can control how we love ourselves

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and how we respond to things.

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So take a walk.

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You know, lifting weights is so good.

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Eating your protein.

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Get outside.

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Drink water.

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Get sunshine.

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Rest when you're tired.

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Take a nap.

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It's okay.

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If you're like me, I thought, like,

ooh, you had to be up at the crack

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of dawn, and that was, like, showing

you were a successful person.

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A successful person knows when

to rest because then they're,

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they can use their gifts.

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And we're all different.

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I probably need more sleep than

most people, but who cares?

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It doesn't mean I'm lazy, and I

think I always thought it did.

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So I'm not talking about being

perfect with any of this, because

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that can be a problem too.

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Because w- you do have to surrender

it, and you have to have joy in it,

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but just think about what feels right.

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And sometimes I eat ice cream 'cause

it feels right to me at that time,

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and it brings me a little bit of joy.

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It's gonna help you stay strong to

navigate your hard conversations, and

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strong enough to make good decisions.

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It's going to help you build your

next chapter, and you deserve it.

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You're worthy.

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You deserve to take care of

yourself like you're your baby

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or your puppy or whatever.

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Take care of yourself, because God

loves you and you're important.

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The last mistake I'm gonna talk

about is letting go of hope.

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Oh, this is what…

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This probably I should have put first.

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This is the thing I

don't wanna have happen.

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Because when we're in dire situations,

we can, we can let go of hope.

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This is what I just need to say is

when you get on the other side of

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this, if you do this right and put time

into yourself, you're gonna learn so

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much, and you're gonna be thankful.

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You're gonna be thankful

for what you went through.

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You're not gonna like that you

went through it, but you're

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gonna have had so much growth.

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You're not gonna wanna go

through it again, but you're

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gonna have so much growth.

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So I, I think this might be

the biggest mistake of all, is

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that letting go of that hope.

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Because Divorce can feel like someone

ripped up the map of your life.

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The future you imagined may not

be the future you're living.

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But please don't confuse the end of

the chapter with the end of the story.

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One of the greatest privileges of

my work is watching women rebuild.

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I've seen women discover confidence

they didn't know they had.

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I've experienced it

myself through hard times.

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I've seen women start businesses.

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They've been on this podcast.

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I've seen women strengthen their faith.

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I've experienced that.

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I've seen women create

beautiful friendships through

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going through this hard.

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I've seen them reconnect with

joy, something that I was

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completely missing from my life.

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Not that I had a icky life, but I wasn't

thinking about what brings me joy.

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That's important, ladies.

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And, and it's not, it's not because

divorce was easy these women

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reconnected with joy, but it's because

they refused to let go of hope.

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And it's not pretending that everything

is okay because it's, it's not.

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Hope is believing something good

can still come from something hard.

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Something good can still

come from something hard.

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So if you're listening today, I

want you to borrow some of my hope.

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Believe it, borrow it from me until

you can find your own, because I have

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seen what's possible on the other side.

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And often it's far better than

people can imagine when the, when

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they're in the middle of the storm.

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You can't even see that, but it's even

better than what you're going to hope for.

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So if you're listening today

and you're in the middle of a

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divorce, I want you to hear this.

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You do not have to do

everything perfectly.

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You just need to keep

taking the next right step.

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Small steps.

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Get the information.

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Learn about the finances.

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Protect your children.

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Ask for help.

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Take care of your body.

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Hold on to hope one step at

a time, one day at a time.

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And remember, divorce is

something you're going through.

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It's not who you are.

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And as I always say, midlife is not

your crisis, it's your comeback.

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Thanks so much for being here.