Shownotes
Blair and Alana talk about grief, life, a book they love, and a game they play called “Which is Worse.”
⚠️ Content Note: Some episodes may contain themes that could be distressing. Please take care of yourself while listening, and don’t hesitate to seek support from a mental health professional if needed.
About the Hosts:
Blair Kaplan Venables is a British Columbia-based grief and resilience expert and coach, motivational speaker and the Founder of The Global Resilience Project. Her expertise has been featured on media platforms like Forbes, TEDx, CBC Radio, Entrepreneur, and Thrive Global. She is named the Top Grief and Resilience Expert of the Year 2024 by IAOTP. USA Today listed Blair as one of the top 10 conscious female leaders to watch and she empowers others to be resilient from stages around the world. 'MyStory,’ which is a television show available on Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV+ and Google Play, showcases Blair's life story. She is the host of the Radical Resilience podcast and specializes in helping people strengthen their resilience muscle using scientifically proven methods and guides grieving high performers with her Navigating Grief Framework. The Global Resilience Project’s award-winning book series are international bestsellers, and her fourth book, RESILIENT A.F.: Stories of Resilience Vol 2, will be published in January 2025. In her free time, you can find Blair writing, in nature, travelling the world and helping people to strengthen their resilience muscles.
Links:
https://theglobalresilienceproject.com
https://www.linkedin.com/in/blairdkaplan
https://www.facebook.com/blair.kaplan
https://www.facebook.com/BlairKaplanCommunications
https://www.instagram.com/globalresiliencecommunity
https://www.instagram.com/blairfromblairland/
https://www.facebook.com/globalresiliencecommunity
https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-global-resilience-project
Alana Kaplan is a compassionate mental health professional based in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. She works in the mental health field, and is a co-host of the Resilient A.F. podcast. Fueled by advocacy, Alana is known for standing up and speaking out for others. Passionate about de-stigmatizing and normalizing mental health, Alana brings her experience to The Global Resilience Project’s team, navigating the role one’s mental health plays in telling their story.
Engaging in self-care and growth keeps her going, and her love for reading, travel, and personal relationships helps foster that. When she’s not working, Alana can often be found on walks, working on a crossword puzzle, or playing with any animal she sees.
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Transcripts
Welcome back to another episode of Resilient AF with Blair and
Speaker:Alana. And guess what? We are both here. Hi.
Speaker:Yeah. Hello. We we just tried to record something else, but we
Speaker:have the sillies. We got the giggles. And, you know, it's
Speaker:funny because I was like, Alana, come on. Pull it together because she had the
Speaker:giggles. And she's like, blur, I haven't had the giggles in a long time.
Speaker:Let me be. It's true. I needed the
Speaker:giggles. Yeah. Sometimes we just need the giggles.
Speaker:You know, I was talking to
Speaker:someone the other day about something that you and I fight about,
Speaker:and they're like, you should podcast about it. And
Speaker:What do we fight about? Who's gonna die first?
Speaker:Oh, me. Me. No.
Speaker:I I think we should have a pact and do
Speaker:it. I'm dying first. Let's start at the exact same time.
Speaker:Yeah. And then we'll have no executor of our estate. I
Speaker:have no estate, so it's fine. But, yeah,
Speaker:like, Alana and I, like, I just like, I
Speaker:know that life is there's still gonna be more deaths in
Speaker:my life. Like, it's just inevitable. We have lots of family, but Alana and I
Speaker:joke because I'm always telling her like, oh, man. I just hope I die before
Speaker:you. And she's like, you can't. That's not how it works.
Speaker:I mean, it does technically because, like, you're older, but, like,
Speaker:no. You know?
Speaker:We're dying at the same time or I'm first. And, you
Speaker:know, it's interesting because the reason it's so funny because, like, for us,
Speaker:talking about death is like talking about breath or the weather. Like, it's it's a
Speaker:real fact. And talking about breath.
Speaker:Breath. You know, breathing.
Speaker:The sillies. Sorry.
Speaker:Sorry, folks. This it's a
Speaker:it's a Monday night, and the sillies are silly. We were
Speaker:supposed to do this yesterday.
Speaker:Yeah. But I was dizzy. I couldn't sit
Speaker:up. I had a real bad case of the dizzies
Speaker:yesterday. I bet I wouldn't have had the sillies yesterday.
Speaker:Which is worse, the sillies or the dizzies. Had the dizzies, and you drove halfway
Speaker:you drove across the city to see someone that's in the hospital.
Speaker:I know. And so you're sitting with
Speaker:this person eating an orange, hoping the disease go away, and you're like,
Speaker:Blair, like, I think we need to reschedule. And then you made it
Speaker:home. Yeah. The disease did not go away, but I made it home.
Speaker:Well, I figured I needed to go visit I wanted to go visit this person.
Speaker:And I was like, okay. Well, if I'm dizzy and something happens, at least
Speaker:I'm in the right place. Yeah. I mean, hero for
Speaker:driving an hour in total to that person, dizzy. But
Speaker:yeah. So Sunday dizzy is equal Monday sillies. But Yeah.
Speaker:What we're what I was talking about is so death is, like, a matter of
Speaker:fact. And, like, some people just avoid the conversation, but, like,
Speaker:it's part of my life, and it's definitely part of your life because, well, the
Speaker:work you do and the work I do and, like, everyone in our life died
Speaker:or will die. And Mhmm. And it's so interesting because, like, I do talk
Speaker:about Shane, my husband. And, like like,
Speaker:I don't want anyone to die, but he's 9 years older than me. He's type
Speaker:1 diabetic. He has a bad heart. And so I don't talk about it
Speaker:all the time, but sometimes in a conversation, I may bring up matter of fact
Speaker:of, like, maybe, you know, one day, you
Speaker:know, when when Shane dies, I'll move back to Winnipeg, or, like, I'll
Speaker:sell that. And we just I talk about the matter of fact of it. And
Speaker:it really catches people off guard. Mhmm. Because
Speaker:they're like, don't talk like that. I'm like, but it's talk like what? Like,
Speaker:ideally, an ideal world would die before everyone. But,
Speaker:like, if not, you know, this is what's
Speaker:going to happen because Shane and I even talk about it because one day,
Speaker:I was saying to him so we live in British Columbia, and, like, I'd like
Speaker:to somehow eventually end up back in Manitoba with my friends and family. And right
Speaker:now, we live with, you know, close to Shane's friends and family. And one day,
Speaker:I said to Shane, like, Shane, I think I wanna get another property in
Speaker:Winnipeg. He's like, well, why? I'm like, so when you die, I have somewhere to
Speaker:go. He's like, well, when I die, you sell the house in Kamloops, and
Speaker:then you buy something in Winnipeg. And I've shared this with a few people, and
Speaker:they're just kind of like, why do you even talk like that? And, like, it's
Speaker:because it it's gonna happen. Like, you can't just ignore death.
Speaker:Yeah. It's going to happen to everyone, and I
Speaker:honestly think by not talking about it, people are doing a disservice
Speaker:to their loved ones. Yeah. A 100%.
Speaker:So, you know, it to me, it's just really interesting
Speaker:because, like, I know I'm doing what I can to normalize the
Speaker:conversation about loss and death and, like, grief And,
Speaker:you know, being in the space as a grief and resilience
Speaker:coach, I talk about it all the time.
Speaker:Mhmm. And it must be really interesting for you, Alana, because now you're working in,
Speaker:like, the palliative hospice world. Yeah.
Speaker:I mean, it comes up multiple times a day.
Speaker:It's it's like, oh, what did you eat for breakfast?
Speaker:So you're dying soon. How's your breath? How's your
Speaker:breath? It's not actually like that, but, you know, it's very
Speaker:different than the work I previously did where I was working with children and
Speaker:families and talking about various
Speaker:mental health things. And and those for sure come up too.
Speaker:But the conversations I'm having are very matter of fact
Speaker:because the end is near for
Speaker:these folks and for their loved ones. And
Speaker:by avoiding it, it's not gonna make it go away.
Speaker:No. And, inevitably, like, we're all going to die. Like,
Speaker:it's like the great equalizer. Trauma, grief, like, death, like, no
Speaker:one makes it out alive. And I think that's the one
Speaker:thing that going into, like, our our mom's death
Speaker:Like, it's so interesting because you and I had such different experiences because
Speaker:when mom died, you said to me, Blair, that was my worst nightmare. I'm like,
Speaker:what was? And you said, mom dying. Where in my head, mom was never
Speaker:going to die because Baba Ruthie, our mom's mom,
Speaker:lived to be 90 something. And her diet was
Speaker:chicken fingers and Chinese food. I'm pretty sure she never drank water. And
Speaker:at one point, probably smoked like a chimney. Mhmm. And
Speaker:she had, like, a bad heart. Yeah. Like, she just wasn't healthy, but she lived
Speaker:to be, like, 90 something. And so in my head, that's what our mom
Speaker:was going to do. And so not once did I think when mom dies
Speaker:are being worried when you know, that she was going to die.
Speaker:It's interesting because, yes, that was my biggest fear and
Speaker:worst nightmare. Yet, when before
Speaker:it happened, like, before we found out that she was palliating
Speaker:and dying, I didn't even consider that as an
Speaker:option. Oh, and I saw it. And I was like, Alana, mom's
Speaker:gonna die. And you're like, no. I'm like, I
Speaker:see this happening. Yeah. I was in denial.
Speaker:Denial is not just a river in Egypt. It was also
Speaker:the experience. I experienced You know, it's it's
Speaker:interesting because, like, a lot most of my friends' parents are still with
Speaker:us, both of them. I have very few orphaned friends.
Speaker:And I don't know. Do you, Lana? I know a lot of your friends have
Speaker:lost parents. A lot of my friends have lost a parent. I
Speaker:believe I am the only orphaned
Speaker:one, but there's something in the water in my friend group
Speaker:because the majority of us have lost a parent.
Speaker:And so it's interesting because I'll never forget. Like, our mom was
Speaker:very organized and loved making notes upon notes. And, like, when she was
Speaker:dying, she's like, under like, here is all the accounts
Speaker:and the passwords and everything you need is here. And
Speaker:I I would say, like, you know, I have some friends with aging parents
Speaker:or parents, you know, who are sick. And, you know, sometimes
Speaker:I say to them, like, make sure now while they're still, like, able to, like,
Speaker:break down all their social media and, like, account passwords. Get the
Speaker:phone numbers for places they have insurance policies and then the numbers
Speaker:and the contact info. Our mom made
Speaker:her dying a little easier for us for her with her level of organization.
Speaker:And I'll never forget sitting in TD Bank trying to close her
Speaker:accounts, and the bank dude was like, your mom is
Speaker:the most organized person. Like, I walked in with a
Speaker:piece of paper saying these are her accounts. We need to close them,
Speaker:where, normally, it's like a treasure hunt. Yeah.
Speaker:Like our dad. It was a treasure hunt that we never started.
Speaker:With our dad? Yeah. Wait. Was there any treasure? I don't know.
Speaker:We never started it. Oh, yes. Our parents
Speaker:both our parents dying were very different experiences. Yeah. You
Speaker:know, it's it's interesting because I'm thinking lots about it. And it's
Speaker:not because of the work we do, but it's because of the book you recommended
Speaker:to me. Oh, the in between?
Speaker:I I love it. Yeah. I'm listening to it, and
Speaker:Hadley, I want to be her friend. Let's talk about
Speaker:it. Yeah. So the book, The In
Speaker:Between, is about a hospice nurse in
Speaker:Florida, then I think eventually Mississippi or maybe she moved to Mississippi
Speaker:after she wrote the book. Might not even be Mississippi, but somewhere.
Speaker:Anyways, she talks about her experiences
Speaker:as a hospice nurse. So
Speaker:hospice is similar to palliative in Canada. So when you're enrolled
Speaker:in a program, it usually means you're dying
Speaker:within a certain time frame. And so nurses will go out to
Speaker:visit depending on the needs
Speaker:and severity. So sometimes a nurse visit, at least where
Speaker:I work, it's once every 2 weeks. Sometimes it's every day,
Speaker:twice a week, depending on what the need is. And so
Speaker:Hadley talks about all the lessons she's learned
Speaker:from the different folks she's met in this program in not the
Speaker:program, but essentially in her work and how she
Speaker:got into the work in the 1st place and how I
Speaker:mean, she's seen many more folks that than
Speaker:she writes about, but there's a really
Speaker:few poignant is that the word? Stories. I
Speaker:don't wanna spoil it. She basically yeah. She
Speaker:basically shares the way the book is broken out is every chapter
Speaker:is the some of the like, some lesson she's learned from a specific
Speaker:patient. And the way she tells the story
Speaker:of this person's last chapter and her experience with them
Speaker:is so moving and beautiful, and there's so many
Speaker:lessons in each of these chapters. Mhmm. And I find
Speaker:it really profound because, first of all, what a gift it is
Speaker:to be with someone during their last season.
Speaker:Mhmm. Yeah.
Speaker:And she also goes
Speaker:through her own grief as well
Speaker:within in this book. And, Blair, have you gotten to the chapter
Speaker:about Albert yet? I have an
Speaker:hour and a half left. So far? Think so.
Speaker:Oh. Maybe? Maybe. I don't even know if that's his
Speaker:name. Okay. So then maybe not.
Speaker:Have you gotten to the chapter of Leonard?
Speaker:Leonard is like Albert. I don't know. I can't remember. It's
Speaker:Is it The work that Hadley does is very similar to the work I do,
Speaker:except I'm not a nurse. I'm not so on the front line every day
Speaker:that the wonderful nurses I work with are. So I only get a
Speaker:slice of the pie that Hadley talks about.
Speaker:It's just a wonderful story about seeing that
Speaker:in between place of, like, yeah, knowing you're dying. I think it's just
Speaker:a great book for everyone to listen to or read, but
Speaker:she reads it. Because I think it
Speaker:shows it's a good glimpse into what the end of life potentially could
Speaker:be. And I think it takes away a lot of the fear
Speaker:behind it. I mean, it's interesting, like, are you scared of
Speaker:death? No.
Speaker:Well, it depends when. Like,
Speaker:I I I don't want to leave.
Speaker:Well, I know I'm dying before you, but aside from
Speaker:that, like, I don't wanna leave, like,
Speaker:any animals. So you're scared to die before
Speaker:your cat? Yeah. But not before me. No.
Speaker:I'm glad I I'm glad that you're not scared to leave me.
Speaker:I'm scared for you to leave me, but I'm not scared for the other way
Speaker:around. I am scared to leave Molly, and I'm scared from when the time
Speaker:comes that Molly will leave. Molly the cat, by the way. Molly
Speaker:the cat. My sweet little Yeah. Pet death is the worst. It's interesting,
Speaker:like, I was doing I was in a training, and we were talking about,
Speaker:like, fears around death and dying. And
Speaker:the actual act of dying. Like, I sure hope it's, like, quick and, like, in
Speaker:my sleep and painless, but
Speaker:my fear around it is not fully living my
Speaker:life. Interesting. Yeah.
Speaker:And it's not and, like, I am
Speaker:fully living my life. Like, I have a list of things I wanna accomplish and
Speaker:do. And I know that I I've I I know that I've tried to build
Speaker:a life that I don't wanna retire from, but I also wanna build a life
Speaker:that like, in a legacy that I've if something were to happen to me tomorrow,
Speaker:I'm still proud of everything I've accomplished. And I could proudly
Speaker:say I am, but there's still so much I want to do. Like, even just
Speaker:like I wanna travel to Bali. Maybe I do that next November. I think
Speaker:maybe that's what I'll do. And, you know, there's just, like, things I wanna do
Speaker:that I haven't done yet, and I don't want I don't wanna
Speaker:die not doing these things because there's such a big world to
Speaker:see. And I wanna see see things and experience things. And I've already
Speaker:done a lot more than the average person when it comes to, you know, like,
Speaker:I'm about to we're about to publish our 3rd book,
Speaker:my 4th book, and we're working on 2 more books. Like, that's pretty epic, and
Speaker:I'm not even 40 yet. You know? Career wise, I feel like I've
Speaker:accomplished a lot, and I've definitely made an impact. But I
Speaker:wanna see more, do more, and experience more.
Speaker:You know? And if I got some sort of diagnosis or
Speaker:tomorrow would be the end, I'd be really upset not because it was the end,
Speaker:but because I didn't do a lot of the things on my list.
Speaker:Yeah. That's very fair. I
Speaker:yeah. And I'm dying before you, so you can finish my list.
Speaker:No. It's not happening. Hey, listeners.
Speaker:Do you wanna take a bet on who's gonna die first?
Speaker:Oh, I was gonna just make a joke, but I'm not gonna do it.
Speaker:Okay. Yeah. No. That's interesting about, like,
Speaker:things that yeah. It's like there's things I want or places I
Speaker:wanna go to. And at the same time,
Speaker:like, if I didn't get to go to them, because I would like, say
Speaker:I were to have something that wouldn't let me do that.
Speaker:I don't know. There's always next life. Oh my god. No.
Speaker:No. I only want life. So hard. This one is This was a very hard
Speaker:life. I'm coming back as a as a house cat for a
Speaker:my lines. Well, I also wanna come back as a house cat
Speaker:for a rich a rich, woman. A
Speaker:childless woman? Yeah. I don't I don't wanna be a I don't
Speaker:wanna live as a cat with a kid. No. They're terrible
Speaker:to they can be terrible to to cats. Yeah. I I
Speaker:think, like, for me, like, if I got a diagnosis where it was terminal
Speaker:and I was able to, I would do what
Speaker:I can on that list. Yeah. Like,
Speaker:I, like, I want how have I never been to Australia, New Zealand,
Speaker:and Bali? Like like, how how come? I mean, besides the pandemic
Speaker:and, like, grief, like, that's, like, half a decade right there that I'd never
Speaker:you know, that time. That's why. That's why. So now we're doing
Speaker:it. And, you know, I I'm just I think what I'm gonna do is
Speaker:I mean, there's stuff on my bucket list. Like, I crushed a couple things this
Speaker:year. Like, I I hiked the West Coast Trail, which was bananas, like,
Speaker:a 100 kilometer hike for 7 days. And I did a TED
Speaker:Talk, and that's 2 bucket list things I did this year. And that's actually pretty
Speaker:good, 2 things in a year. Yeah. It's pretty impressive. And I think I'm gonna
Speaker:try and I mean, Shane doesn't know this yet, but maybe he's listening to us
Speaker:record. But I think because November's kind of a really hard month.
Speaker:It's sad and gloomy, and it's, like, also just sad. It's a
Speaker:sad month for me. I think I'm gonna maybe go
Speaker:to Bali next November. Do
Speaker:it. Okay. I'm gonna maybe go to BravoCon
Speaker:next November. Very different.
Speaker:Yeah. Potato, potato. Bali, bravo con. BravoCon.
Speaker:Koana sponsors. Oh my god. BravoCon. Yeah. I
Speaker:mean, like but yeah. So I think I think this might be a good place
Speaker:to wrap up. Like, if you are listening and and, you know, this
Speaker:resonates at all well, you wanna say something? We started talking about
Speaker:this because we were talk gonna talk about
Speaker:the game we play. Oh, yeah.
Speaker:Sorry. The sillies gave me momentarily amnesia.
Speaker:So, Lana, let's wrap up with the game. Okay. And let's do we could do,
Speaker:like, a lightning round. Okay. So Okay. So you explain the game.
Speaker:You okay. I'll explain the game. You explain the game. So
Speaker:Alana and I have this game we play,
Speaker:which is which is worse, blank or
Speaker:mom dying? And it really helps put into perspective
Speaker:our complaints. Mhmm. And while everyone
Speaker:has valid complaints, it's still better
Speaker:than your mom died. Yeah. But, also, this is just for me and Alana. Like,
Speaker:it's not just for us. Yeah. So, like, don't
Speaker:it's okay if you take offense because that's how you feel.
Speaker:Just know that this is just between us. And, also, like, now you to be
Speaker:considered. We expect our our mom dying is not gonna impact you as much
Speaker:as it impacted us. Yes. Like, to be fair.
Speaker:So and it's interesting because I on the West Coast
Speaker:Trail, I wanted to quit
Speaker:a couple hours in. I was climbing up this ladder with this 40 pound bag.
Speaker:I'm like, what am I fucking doing? This is so incredibly
Speaker:physically hard and hard like, I felt like it was
Speaker:impossible. And then I was, like, taking a break, you know,
Speaker:basically, 90 degrees, like, resting on the ladder because I had to because I couldn't
Speaker:breathe, and I was like, oh, suck it up. Like, you buried your mom.
Speaker:And then I got through. I didn't I didn't feel like I wanted to quit
Speaker:ever again. But, yeah, Alana, I do this game. Like, Alana hit
Speaker:had a bump in the road, and we talked about it. Which was worse, the
Speaker:experience of that or mom dying?
Speaker:Mom dying. 100%. Really bad traffic
Speaker:day the other day. I was really frustrated. Which is
Speaker:worse? This traffic or mom dying?
Speaker:Mom dying. Mom dying. Which is worse? Giving your sister an enema or
Speaker:mom dying? Mom
Speaker:died. Die. It's a tie. Mom died. We never
Speaker:talked about I don't know if people know about this. What's that's for another time.
Speaker:Okay. We'll leave it to your imagination. You have no idea what happened.
Speaker:Yeah. Falling through a shelf while doing a lipstick
Speaker:reno on your bathroom and having to go to the ER or mom dying?
Speaker:Mom dying. Mom dying. Honestly, I can't really
Speaker:think of too much that has happened
Speaker:even even my miscarriage or even dad dying. Like
Speaker:Yeah. Nothing is worse than that experience. And it wasn't like that
Speaker:physical death of mom. It was everything around that situation. Yeah. The physical
Speaker:death was quite peaceful, actually, but everything else sucked.
Speaker:K. Let's keep going. Let's do a couple more, which is worse. Which is
Speaker:worse. Going on a date with someone with super bad breath and bad
Speaker:teeth and plaque and him kissing you, or mom dying?
Speaker:Mom dying, which is worse. Being starving,
Speaker:ordering a meal off of a food delivery
Speaker:service, and then it not only
Speaker:coming an hour late, but it was the wrong order.
Speaker:Oh, mom dying. K. Which is worse?
Speaker:A shard and white pants in an important meeting or mom dying?
Speaker:Mom dying. Oh, I got one. K. And this is it. Life experiences.
Speaker:Which is worse? Puking on yourself in public
Speaker:transit or mom dying? You just
Speaker:wanna say it wasn't me who did that. It was me.
Speaker:I was not. Alana, which is worse, puking on yourself in public
Speaker:transit or mom dying.
Speaker:Mom dying, for sure. I mean, it was bad, but
Speaker:Mom dying was worse. But mom dying was worse because that was
Speaker:temporary. And that is a good message. It's, like,
Speaker:everything is temporary except mom dying. Yeah. Except
Speaker:for when someone dies that that's permanent, the death. Yeah.
Speaker:So thank you to everyone who tuned in for another episode
Speaker:with me and Alana of Resilient AF with Blair and Alana.
Speaker:You laughed. You giggled. You cried. We talked about death.
Speaker:Talk about death. We went all over the place today. But, you know what? It
Speaker:was great. Little griefy gals riff is all about. So thank you for
Speaker:tuning in to another episode. You know, it's okay to
Speaker:not be okay. It's okay to take a break because you have the sillies
Speaker:and the gigglies. You know? Sometimes you just gotta lean into it because
Speaker:it feels so, so good. And, you know, just know that it's okay to
Speaker:not be okay. Like, you're not alone. You have me. You have Lana. You have
Speaker:our community, the Global Resilience Project.
Speaker:And, friends, remember, you are
Speaker:resilient AF. Bye.
