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#209 - The Ritual of Grief with Amy Taylor-Kabbaz
Episode 2097th September 2022 • Happy Mama Movement with Amy Taylor-Kabbaz • Amy Taylor-Kabbaz
00:00:00 00:08:42

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Can we talk for a moment about grief? I don't think it's something we do very well because so often we see our future in a certain way and letting go can be really hard work. Listen as I reflect on a recent conversation I had and talk about:

  • What happens when you experience the start of life? Do your priorities change? Are you a different person? That's what matresence is.
  • The grief of who we thought we were going to be.
  • Grief is a process, like all of these seasons and cycles in our life.
  • How grief can be exhausting, and also a catalyst for great change too.

There needs to be a change in the way mothers are valued and seen in our society. We are here to spread the whispers of Matrescence together. Find out more and receive your Matrescence map here https://www.amytaylorkabbaz.com/matrescence/


Transcripts

Amy Taylor-Kabbaz:

Welcome to the Happy Mama Movement Podcast.

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I'm Amy Taylor-Kabbaz.

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I would like to start by acknowledging the Gadigal people of the Aura nation

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on which this podcast is recorded, as the traditional custodians of this land.

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And pay my respects to the elders past, present and emerging.

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And, as this podcast is dedicated to the wisdom and knowledge of motherhood, I

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would like to acknowledge the mothers of this land, the elders, their wisdom, their

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knowing and my own elders and teachers.

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Welcome back Mamas.

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Can we talk for a moment about grief?

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It is just past father's day here in Australia.

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A day that was tough.

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My kids now spend Father's Day with their Dad, of course.

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And in the first days of our separation, I had visions of us

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still spending these days together.

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In fact, I remember a conversation around making sure we did just that.

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Two years on, and Father's Day is with him at his place.

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And that is a deep reminder of what has been lost.

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And I wanted to reflect on this with all of you, no matter

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what it is, we are grieving.

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This is a conversation that I had with a beautiful friend today.

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That moved me so much and inspired me so much, I had to

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jump on here and record this.

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Because whether we're talking about grieving, the end of a relationship,

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grieving someone we've lost or grieving a time and a season in our life, I

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don't think we do grief very well.

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It reminds me of Dr Aurelie Athan, my mentor and teacher on matresence.

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She came to the work of matresence by actually looking at what happens to

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a person when they experience the end of life is often like some kind of

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awakening, suddenly their priorities change, and they don't care about

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the things they used to care about and they make different decisions.

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They are different people because of what they've experienced.

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And she wondered, does the same thing happen when you

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experience the start of life?

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Do your priorities change?

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Are you a different person?

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And of course we all know the answer is, yes.

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And that's what matresence is.

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But what I really wanted to bring to all of us today is just as we

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don't acknowledge the rite of passage of the beginning of something,

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we also don't honor the rite of passage of the ending of something.

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Grief is whatever you feel around the loss of something.

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This can be the loss of a job, the loss of a career, a dream that you had, that

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you would be this person, and you would follow this path that was interrupted.

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There was definitely a grieving process for me, as I changed my

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career, even though what I was walking towards was so exciting.

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There was a grieving of who I thought I was going to be.

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Recently in a conversation, with a beautiful group of Mama Rising

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coaches, as we gathered together on the Sunshine Coast in June.

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We had one end of the table of women, of Mamas all sitting together and each one of

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us had a child who struggled in some way.

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One Mama had a child with autism, another with ADHD, me a child,

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struggling with mental illness.

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Each one of us really having a conversation around the

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process of acceptance.

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Because, there is an assumption.

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I think you could say there's an assumption of when you're in the toddler

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stage and in the early childhood stage that your child will get to a level of

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independence and not need you as much.

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You see your future a certain way.

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You assume they're going to be healthy in this way.

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You assume their independence, their opportunities.

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And in the process of accepting a diagnosis or an understanding of

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your child, there's a grieving.

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A grieving for them and also a grieving for you.

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And so again, I think all of us, as we move through matresence, part of this

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process is a process of learning how to let go of what we thought it would be.

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Whether it's Father's Day, whether it's a healthy child.

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Whether it's another baby, another pregnancy, whether it's a

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career, your body, your freedom, marathons that you used to run.

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Whatever it is in this season of our life and throughout our life.

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What if we could bring better understanding and rituals to the endings?

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Just as much as we are trying to bring better understanding to the beginnings.

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I don't have all the answers to this yet.

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I'm still very much moving through the grief of the ending of my

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relationship, even though it's been two years since the first realisation.

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What I have come to realise is that grief as a process.

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I know shock horror, Amy.

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, you're not the first to say that, but I say that legitimately.

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Like all of these seasons and cycles in our life, they sweep around and come back.

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I thought I was good, and then I wasn't.

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I thought I'd dealt with that, and then I realised I hadn't.

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Some days I have other days I haven't.

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Grief is exhausting, it's also the catalyst for great changes.

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And with grief and the ending, there's always a new beginning too.

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So beautiful Mama, whatever it is that you are realising is no longer on your

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path, whether it is an outcome for your child, an outcome for you, for your

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relationship, your career, whatever.

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Don't rush it.

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Be okay with that process that seems to come back out of nowhere, be

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okay with how you survived it and what you do every day to survive it.

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Meet ourselves with kindness, always the first step.

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We can, and we're allowed to grieve the small things as much as the big things.

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Grieving sleeping in.

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Grieving passionate nights of sex with your partner without having

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to worry about waking a baby.

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Grieving the freedom to dedicate yourself to travel or work.

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None of that means that you don't love being in this season of motherhood.

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It's a lie if we tell ourselves that if we long for what we've lost, we

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are not grateful for what we've got.

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And so here we are, women of seasons and cycles.

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Learning how to both celebrate the new and celebrate the end.

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To be okay with what is presented with us today.

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And if the emotions rise up out of nowhere, that's okay.

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I hope that this lands for whatever you are moving through,

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both endings and beginnings.

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Because this is what we should really be able to do with each other and for

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