In this powerful episode of "What's the Story," Matt Edmundson sits down with Pete Farrington to discuss his inspiring journey of faith, overcoming depression, self-harm, and finding hope in the midst of crisis. Pete shares his story of transformation and the life-changing revelation of God's love that brought him from brokenness to wholeness.

Show Notes

1. Introduction to Pete Farrington and his story

• Pete's struggles with depression and self-harm as a teenager
• The impact of bullying and feeling different
• The onset of self-harm and suicidal thoughts
• The challenges of growing up in a Christian family while struggling with mental health

   2. The turning point: Pete's experience at a discipleship training school in Germany

• Understanding the depth of God's love and the power of the gospel
• Overcoming depression and stopping medication
• Finding purpose and a deeper relationship with God

  3. Facing a crisis: When Pete's newborn son nearly lost his life

• The harrowing experience of his son's battle with strep meningitis
• Feeling helpless and afraid during the hospital stay
• Clinging to faith and the knowledge of God's love during the darkest times

  4. The transformative power of God's love

• How understanding God's love changed Pete's perspective on his past struggles
• Recognising God's presence in the midst of pain and hardship
• The importance of preaching the gospel to oneself

  5. Encouraging others who may be struggling with depression or self-harm

• The importance of seeking help and talking to someone
• Remembering that God is always with you, even when it doesn't feel like it
• Holding onto hope and the truth of God's unconditional love

The significance of God's name, "El Roi" (the God who sees), and its relevance to Pete's story

This episode is a must-listen for anyone who has ever struggled with depression, self-harm, or feelings of worthlessness. Pete's raw and honest account of his journey will inspire you to hold onto hope and trust in the transformative power of God's love, no matter how dark the circumstances may seem.

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And now, let's meet your host and our special guest for today.

Okay, so welcome to another episode of What's The

Story with me, Matt Edmundson.

So opposite me is the beautiful man himself, Mr.

Pete Farrington, who if you're a regular crowd they will know you from all of

the talks that Pete has done for crowd.

And so we thought, let's get him in the studio.

Yeah, this time.

Yeah, thanks for having me, Matt.

It's great to be here.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this.

So we're going to record What's The Story the podcast.

If you're listening, you know that already because there'll

have been a nice little intro.

Which we've not heard.

And so yeah, welcome to What's The Story.

We're going to dig into Pete's story about his Christian faith, challenges

that he's faced and Some of the things that God taught you along the way, which

I'm looking forward to getting into.

Yeah, it's gonna be good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How long have we known each other now?

I don't really know.

It's difficult to answer because we've I grew up in a church that we've

both been part of for a long time.

But it's been probably only four or five years.

Maybe that we've actually gotten to know each other a bit.

Yeah.

I think that's because of your brother as well.

Yeah.

If you're, again, if you're a regular crowd, you'll have seen John on here

and his beautiful wife, Anna Grace.

She also did a What's The Story before they went off to America, got her

in the studio, which was really sad.

It's great, but it was sad that they've gone, but they seem to be having a

nice time from what I understand.

So yes let's dig into it.

So you've been.

A resident of Liverpool, but you've not been a resident

of Liverpool your whole life.

No, not at all.

So yeah, people don't usually believe me when I say that I grew

up in Liverpool because I don't, yeah, I don't sound like it.

Yeah, so growing up we did move around a little bit.

So I, we lived in the Midlands for about seven years.

And then when we moved back to Liverpool I didn't pick the accent.

I didn't pick it up again.

It got beaten out of me in the Midlands.

Literally yeah.

And then when I was 19, 20, I'm not quite sure.

I moved abroad.

Such a long time ago now, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's I don't know when it was.

It was a while ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I lived abroad for a number of years.

Now you lived in Italy, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

In Florence.

Which is just, it just sounds amazing.

Yeah.

Just to go live in Italy.

How long did you live there?

Six years, I think it was.

And you studied fine art, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I moved there to study painting to oil painting.

Yeah.

Which is what I'd always wanted to do.

And yeah, I heard about this small little academy that, that teaches

just the traditional techniques of oil painting nine to five every day.

And yeah, it was a dream come true.

As cliche as it sounds, Sounds it, it was, yeah, no doubt.

It was amazing.

No doubt.

A renaissance.

It was, yeah.

Such a beautiful city.

. Matt Edmundson: Do you miss it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you ever go back?

I, I dunno.

I think, we love living in Liverpool and so it would need something

major for us to actually like, move back there, but it's, yeah.

Yeah, it's got a very special place in my heart.

Yeah, no doubt.

And you're fluent in Italian, right?

Ah fluent is a push

You know enough get by, you can order a pizza.

Yeah.

Yeah, which is amazing.

I've tried over the years off and on, when you, I don't know if you

do the same as what I do Pete, but off and on as I go through.

Life over the years I'll think, Oh, I'll just try and learn how to speak dot.

And I'll try and pick up French again from school or German or Spanish or Italian.

And you get so far and then I'm just in, I'm just so

confused about the whole thing.

Yeah.

And it's hard keeping it up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So hard.

I'm in awe of people that do that, but

that's where you met Albioli, your wife.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we met the very first weekend that, I was in Florence.

She'd moved there two years before me to study dentistry.

Yeah.

And we met in an international English speaking church in Florence.

And

so you've got this multicultural family now, right?

Just which is just incredible.

So how long have you been back in Liverpool then?

Five years.

Just over five years.

Yeah.

So you came back just

like pre lockdown.

We've been back for a couple of, so it

was like the autumn of 2018.

So we've been back for a couple of years before that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then a lot happened.

Dun.

And all the things that happened with you guys as well, which we'll get into.

Yeah.

So you grew up in a Christian family.

What people would term a Christian family, isn't it?

Your mum and dad go to Frontline.

Your dad was, the reason you were in the Midlands, your dad

was part of a radio, Christian

radio.

Yeah.

He was a radio presenter for the biggest Christian radio station in the UK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

UCB.

DJ Mike Farrington.

Yeah.

Playing the tunes.

DJ Mike.

Did he do

that?

I hope not.

I can't, I just can't imagine Mike ever doing.

But no, it's so yeah, so you you grew up in a Christian family, but then I'm

guessing for you, like for most people that grew up in a Christian family,

there, there came a point where you had to make some kind of decision yourself

about the Christian faith, right?

Yeah.

Cause my, my earliest memories are like running around The church hall after

the service and that grew up in that.

So heard it all every week, every day for years and years.

But I remember when I was probably like around 13 I remember standing

standing in church holding the printouts of the song lyrics.

I guess this was as we were transitioning away from acetates

and the over, the projectors.

I remember being the acetate guy.

I remember, I'll do worship today.

I said, I'll change that sheet of plastic for the next one.

And you always make sure you get it the right way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They got to get the right way.

You've got to get it square.

Yeah.

Cause you don't want people doing this, I don't think, I don't think

my kids knew what it was like.

Right then.

What do you mean you had to change a piece of plastic to

get the lyrics on the screen?

You had to do what?

It's mad,

isn't it?

I can't remember what I was saying.

Oh yeah, you were growing up, running around the church.

Yeah.

So I remember reading the song lyrics during worship and just really

thinking like what does this mean?

Yeah.

And is this just my parents faith?

I guess I was asking myself two questions, like one, do I believe this?

Yeah.

Do I believe that God is real?

Do I leave this?

Do I believe this to be true?

To which I think my answer was always yes, I don't think I ever,

doubted the existence of God.

But then the second question was like, okay, what's my engagement in that?

Yeah.

And, do I want to?

Have a personal faith or is this just Yeah.

Something I, yeah.

I'm growing up in and at some point, I have to make a decision.

Yeah.

Either way.

Yeah.

So how old were you when you roughly?

Yeah.

Maybe even as early as 12.

Yeah.

But yeah.

Yeah.

I've got vivid memories of standing there hearing the songs, singing

the lyrics, but thinking like.

What's this all about?

Yeah.

To me.

Yeah.

Wow.

So were you, if someone said to you, when

did you become a Christian?

How would you answer that question?

I

dunno.

? No I think I definitely did , make a decision in my teens to follow God

and did really powerfully encounter God during my teens.

But then there were many ups and downs throughout those years and

then a big down when I was 18, 19 shortly before moving abroad.

I can't really pinpoint like a day or a moment really it's been yeah.

Yeah, a long journey to which I can't really say oh, that was

the day I became a Christian.

Yeah, I

think there's a lot of people like that, which is interesting, isn't it?

Because you and I both have this evangelical background where there's,

for a lot of people, there's a very definite time and date where, yeah, I

made the decision at this point, right?

It's easy for me, in a lot of ways, because I didn't grow

up in a Christian family.

And so for me, there was a very definite point in time where I was like, But

for my kids, I don't know if there is I think it's not black and white.

There's this transitioning, isn't there?

Yeah.

I think it's when you grow up in a Christian family, it feels like

there's a lot of micro decisions.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And you can't pinpoint and go, oh, that is the exact point in time.

Yeah.

Which is interesting.

Nothing related to anything, but I was interviewing a guy called Oh, his

name's completely blanked out my head now, but he's the head of Google data.

A big guy, Neil Hoynes, that's his, Neil, and I was interviewing him on

a different podcast and he's a head of Google data, so he knows what he's

talking about with data is concerned.

And in the world of digital.

We try and attribute everything.

So if you go to a website and you buy, I don't know, a pen, right?

And, What the guy who owns the pen website wants to know is, what was

the reason for that sale, right?

So it's called attribution.

So if I can attribute that sale, like if you saw my ad on Facebook, came to my

website and bought the pen, I'm going to go, that Facebook ad is working, right?

So I'm going to throw a lot more money at that ad and get a lot more pens.

And evangelicals are like this when it comes to salvation, at

what point can we attribute it?

But Neil Hoynes was really interesting.

Ah, so it's that made it work.

Yeah, it's that one.

Now, let's throw some money down at that.

And Neil made this really interesting point, not about

salvation, but about attribution.

He he said that, they were watching this one particular lady buy

a pair of shoes on a website.

It's not a sexist remark, this is just a genuine story, right?

Yeah.

They're watching this one lady buy a pair of shoes.

There were 236 points of contact for that one lady before buying

that pair of shoes, right?

I agree.

Facebook Organic, Facebook Ads, Instagram Ads, the website,

the blog, the YouTube channel.

Yeah.

Looking at 14 different other colours.

Do you know what I mean?

And Neil has this really interesting question.

At what point did she decide to buy those shoes?

How do we attribute that sale?

Yeah.

The answer is you can't.

Yeah, obviously.

And I think for people like yourself, like my kids, I don't know if there

is that attribution and that's okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's it's okay.

We do.

There's lots of little things that happened along the way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what happened at 19 then?

19.

So I started university.

Yeah, I guess I was 19.

I'd taken a year out at some point along the way.

And It's not great with a timeline.

I think it's Monday today.

But basically I started university and almost immediately I

completely lost my appetite.

I had zero energy had no, I was basically like just spent 20 hours a day in bed.

I didn't, yeah, I just had no, I didn't think I had any reason really to get up.

But for a few years prior to that, I'd been really struggling with

self harm for a couple of years and thought I'd gotten a handle on it.

And I think I had a huge amount of, that was a very private struggle.

Knew about it.

And I think there was a huge amount of self, I would call

it self loathing really.

I was growing up a very timid, very timid guy.

And yeah, very low self esteem.

And it, and I had a lot of questions.

I guess I'm going back a little bit to point where I became a Christian,

that whole journey, but I had, along that journey, I had questions about

why why things were as they were in my at home, and and why I was like I was,

all that just came to a head at 19.

So I was just in bed 20 hours a day, I think I went to uni about three times.

Wow.

I obviously didn't last long there.

I dropped out.

So this wasn't Florence?

No, sorry.

Yeah, this was in England.

Yeah, in Liverpool.

Yeah.

And yeah, I was diagnosed with depression shortly after all of that.

And yeah, but I was very depressive and it was really dark time.

I never, I did entertain suicidal thoughts for a long, I remember a

couple of months where I just, yeah, really entertain those thoughts.

I don't think I was ever like close to, attempting anything, but but

it was on my mind all the time.

I, I hate, I hated myself really did.

And I was still in amongst all this, I was still going to church every Sunday

being the good Christian, that was important to me to maintain that veneer.

So where did all that hatred come from?

I think that there were multiple things.

Joked at the beginning about how the Scouse accent got beaten

up me in the Midlands, but I, I was bullied a lot at one point.

I thought there were.

I thought I was just a really weird kid and there were a lot of things

about my life that didn't, that, that made me different to, or, I thought

made me different to those around me.

I was a Christian, or grown up in a Christian family which is weird at times.

I'd also been homeschooled for for a long time.

So I, there were lots of things that were thought were odd.

Yeah.

And yeah, I hated that I was super skinny and it was like a whole bunch of stuff.

Yeah.

So when did, if you don't mind me asking, when did the self

harm start?

That's yeah.

So that was younger.

I did get a timescale all out of whack, but when I was 16 or 17,

yeah.

Do you remember the first time?

I do.

Yeah, I do.

And it was actually after a youth group meeting like back at home.

I was like still going to church, doing all the midweek stuff.

But I.

And I, like I said I don't think I ever stopped believing that God is real.

But it really stopped getting down to my heart around that time, as in the fact

that God might love me and the fact that I might not just be a nuisance to him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, so it started around when I was like 16, 17, and I think it was to me the

perfect expression of what I felt inside.

So I think that's why I was drawn to that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

because I've heard, obviously, I've heard lots of

harrowing stories of self harm.

To be honest with you, not many men, I've not heard many men

talk about it, but I've heard, obviously, women talk about it a lot.

And I sit here listening to you talk, going, man, that's horrific.

My 16 year old kid feeling that is the way to express themselves at that

point in time, because I'm sitting here with my, my logical brain.

Yeah.

And it, my brain's going, this does not compute.

Why would somebody want to do that?

And I'm just curious obviously, I don't want to get graphic because yeah.

You never know who's listening to the podcast in the car.

But at the same time, I want to be real.

How did you get into it?

I think that I was, at the time, I was in

college and I was studying art.

And there were a lot of depressive people around me.

Yeah, I can imagine.

So I was aware of it as something that some people did.

And art, at least what I was studying at the time was all

about looking inside yourself.

And expressing whatever you find there.

And what I found there wasn't pretty.

Yeah.

And yeah, what I saw when I looked inside myself was something I hated.

And so the, yeah I guess I was drawn to it.

Yeah, I was aware of it at being a thing.

I knew people who.

Who had struggled with it?

Not, I didn't know anyone who promoted it, but Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it, like I said before, it was the only way I felt that I

could truly express when I was feeling inside and find an outlet for that

self-loathing, for that self-loathing.

And I said about like suicidal thoughts.

I don't think I, it was ever something that I.

Was close to acting upon.

But the very sort of exploration in my mind of those things was just a

continuation really of that I wanted to die, but that I really hated

myself and I didn't see I didn't see a way out of that abyss really.

So then it's it's only a matter of time before it comes out in some form.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's hard.

So the phrase I hear counselors use, and I definitely am not a counselor,

but the phrase I hear counselors use is are they actively suicidal?

So when you.

Have suicidal thoughts is one thing, but if people start to intervene

when you're actively suicidal so you're dealing with this then

as a teenager.

Yeah.

That's a lot to deal with as a teenager.

Yeah.

Fast forward now, right?

Few years down the line.

Do you still struggle with depression?

No.

It's been I, but I would add that I know that it's something that

I would have a tendency towards.

So I'm not sure what, when was the last time I could say I struggled,

I was struggling with depression then, but it's been a very long time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was actually talking about this with someone the other day cause I yeah, like I

love painting and I a number of years ago I wanted to create a painting that would

capture some of the feeling of what I was, some of the feelings that I had inside me.

Back when I was 18, 19, so that I never, so that I never forget what that felt

like, I want to be able to always.

or empathize with people who are going through dark times.

And also never want to forget just how dark that was so that I don't forget

just how good God's been to me, yeah.

So that's an aside, but.

Oh, no, we're going to get into all of that.

Yeah.

I'm curious how you went from that place to where you want, what happened?

How did God help you?

With that and I suppose I think if I'm listening to you talk, Pete, and I'm

not a Christian listening to you share your story part of me is I'm curious

to hear how God brought you out of it.

What did God do?

But another question that would be in my mind would be why did God let that

happen to you when you were a teenager?

I don't know if you ever wrestled with that.

Yeah, absolutely.

And, and not just that time, but, the time since.

Absolutely wrestled with those questions of why is this happening?

And actually, that was part of my, the questions that I had for God at the time.

Yeah.

Like, why do I see so much pain in some of the lives, in so much pain in

some of the lives of people that I love?

Yeah, so 100 percent that's definitely been something I've wrestled

with but hindsight is amazing.

And I actually haven't, I haven't talked about the whole self harm thing for quite

a long time, but when I look back at.

That time and other times that have been difficult since then, although I wish

that I didn't have to go through those seasons, it is at the same time difficult

for me to say, I wish that they never happened because they are they are to

me now, so precious because of what I have since experienced of God's love.

As a result does that make sense?

Yeah, totally.

And it's one of those things, isn't it?

I, it sounds a bit weird if you've never been in that situation, but

sometimes you, your mum and dad used to say to me, my parents would say to me,

you just don't know what you've got.

Do you know what I mean?

You don't know you're born, there's all that sort of phrase.

And I think sometimes you don't know what it is you've got until you haven't got it.

And you take for granted, I think a lot of things breathing until someone stands

on your lungs and you can't breathe.

Yeah.

In which case you are very much fighting for it.

And I think when you've experienced these things, I, it totally makes

sense how you would look at that and go that has given me a revelation,

which I am so very grateful for.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think I have a, I have the same outcome, a very different

story in terms of how I got there.

But the same outcome that actually, I became a Christian when I was 18, 19.

I can't remember the timeline either, to be fair people.

But at the same time, I'm aware of life before Christ, and I'm

aware of life after Christ.

And I think whilst I wouldn't choose for my kids to go through what I went

through, Going through them is part of the reason why I'm where I am.

Yeah, and yeah, I don't know if you can read, can you regret them and

not regret them at the same time?

It's a really bizarre position to be in.

100%.

So you obviously have to deal with the depression.

Do you deal with that then before you head off to Florence?

Yes.

Yeah.

After I dropped out of uni, I was talking with a friend who'd

recently been on something called a discipleship training school.

The DTS.

Yeah.

DTS.

The YWAM DTS.

And he'd come back a very different person, still the same guy, but he seemed.

lighter.

Yeah.

And I remember just thinking whatever has happened in your life, I need

the same thing to happen to me.

So on a bit of a whim, I decided to do this nine month school in Germany.

So went there and and for the first sort of three months,

there's lots of like Bible teaching and worship sessions and stuff.

And basically in the first week, there was this.

One of the first weeks, there was this teaching on the

Father, Heart of God for a week.

And there were like a hundred people in this room every day.

And people were just in, in bits the whole time, like loads of tears.

Yeah.

It was like, I remember turning to the guy next to me and saying something like this.

This is just a room of like very sick people, and I was one of them

it was like open heart surgery for three months that time.

And yeah, God just started revealing to me all of the things that I'd buried beneath

the surface that needed dealing with.

And I was just able to, see and understand really for the first time something of

what it meant that God is a father to me.

Yeah.

And and that he loved me and that, I could start to see how he had been

there throughout those difficult years.

And Yeah, really precious time and I stopped it, yeah, so I'd been taking

antidepressants for a while at that point and stopped and haven't needed them since

so for me, I know it's not, this is not how it happens for everyone, but for me

it was just like, it was night and day.

Yeah.

There have been moments since where I've a couple of times

been close to slipping into that.

Yeah.

Melancholic, is there something that I, yeah, I naturally would with the

Christian lingo tone in my sort of sinful nature would or the old man, the old self

would have a tendency towards Definitely.

Yeah.

But it was a night and day.

Yeah, hot.

It was.

Yeah.

It's a great, it's a great story that,

God came down and met you at.

In Germany, of all places, let's go to Germany, Pete.

That's where you need to go get yourself sorted out.

But it's really, I love hearing stories of God's just transforming

people, like you say, sometimes that's super, night and day in an instant,

or quite a quick timeframe for people.

It takes years, but God still transforms.

And you meant you use this phrase, God revealed to me the father

heart of God and his love for me.

But what does that mean?

What actually happened there?

Like on that day,

Just how did God reveal his love to you?

How did he reveal his father heart to you?

I guess, again, I'm thinking people listening to the show

might not know what that means.

Yeah.

Was it like a fortune cookie or do you know what I mean?

It's that kind of, how did, what happened to you?

How did he reveal these things to you?

And how did that get into your heart to the point where it,

God just transforms everything?

I remember someone was praying for me and they had we'd call it a word of

knowledge where they, they felt God saying something to me that God had

given them a message to give to me.

And I had everything together at that point.

But as this person started speaking, it was like he actually repeated

almost word for word things, that things that had been spoken in like

a conflict and argument at home and what had been a really painful time.

And things were just, memories were coming to my mind of Oh gosh, yeah, I'd

almost forgotten that specific event had happened, but now it's there so

vivid in my mind and oh my goodness, I've never dealt with this and yeah

just floods and floods of memories.

And and I it's so hard to put something like this into words because it's.

It's like I, so I could feel viscerally all of the pain in the past, but at the

same time I felt a comfort and yeah, comfort is just the word really that

that God was with me and had been with me and that there was a protection and a

care that the father would provide that.

He was providing for me and yeah, I think, I don't know if

that answers the question, but

Yeah, it's just an interesting question, isn't it?

And it's an even more interesting answer really, because I think again,

everybody's story is different.

Yeah.

How did God work in your life?

How did you encounter God?

How did you experience God?

Yeah.

And everybody has different stories.

It's just shows of the greatness of God and that it's not a one size

fits all, but I was just curious.

So you go to Germany, you encounter the love of God, you

encounter the Father heart of God.

Yeah.

Which interestingly, I still think is perhaps one of the biggest

revelations that we can experience is the Father heart of God.

That what that means, what that nature is.

You come back.

Like Your Friend Changed?

Are you lighter on your feet?

Just, is it, did you get what you wanted?

Yeah.

100%.

Yeah.

And more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I felt like I I felt like I had purpose.

I felt I knew God, that it wasn't just knowing about him.

Because I knew a lot about him, I'd been told a lot about him and yeah, but during

that time it was like I met him and that yeah, that I actually learned what it

was to to live life with him and to not be doing things alone, to not be alone.

And yeah, so he really was.

Yeah, totally transformative.

Fantastic.

Yeah.

So then you go to Florence.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So when I was in Germany I met the director of this art school in Florence

yeah, so I basically decided straight away okay, I'm going to Florence, I'm

going to go to this school and yeah.

And then that's how I met my wife.

So the whole thing was like this.

God orchestrated this roundabout way of getting to yeah.

All the little jigsaw puzzles and all the

bits, you just you're like, God, I just, how you put this together,

I have no idea, well done, all these little stories intertwining.

So you met your wife you're there for six years.

Yeah.

You learned some exceptional talents.

I've seen your paintings, they're extraordinary.

Oh, thank you, Matt.

A really great, unbelievable what you can do.

Thank you.

I just.

I'm in awe.

You come back with your bride back to the UK.

How was that?

Yeah, it was strange because my wife was actually more,

more keen to move here than I was.

I think you've been away for a long time, like six years, a lot of changed,

like most of the people who I was really close to, no longer lived in

Liverpool and you have this idea in your mind that yeah, okay, six years

have passed, but nothing will have, six years won't have passed in Liverpool.

That would still be insane.

Yeah.

Yeah, but so it definitely took some time to, to get used to, to being here again.

By the time we'd gotten used to that, it was like straight into lockdown.

Thanks a lot, man.

Yeah, no, but it's,

That's when you came, I know you've had various things throughout

your life, but it's fair to say that's when you came across probably the most

significant challenge in life, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's definitely one, the one that that comes to mind.

So my our little boy, Leo, who is, he's just recently turned three.

He was born February, 2021.

Get a timeline right there.

Yeah, I'll be able to.

So this was like deep into the longest lockdown.

Yeah.

So it was that like, yeah, that second year, wasn't it?

And gosh, yeah.

So I remember going to we go into the hospital and, restrictions

were really tight at that point.

It was a difficult, it was a difficult labor.

And I was I was allowed to stay just for a little bit after the birth.

But everything appeared to be fine.

And I went home after a few hours after the birth.

Absolutely elated.

It's it's the most awesome thing to have Witnesses is a strange word,

but yeah, just truly awesome moment.

So I went home absolutely elated thinking everything's fine.

Albiola is still so I haven't said that's my wife's name Albiola.

They kept her in overnight with Leo and I went in the following

day for the short visiting slot that was allowed at the time.

They wanted to keep her in a bit longer, so I went home a few hours later.

So it's like late afternoon and then we hear, they want to keep her in overnight.

They were just a little bit, something a little bit funny about his breathing.

Alibiola and Lewis, they were going to stay in for a second night

and then got into the evening and got a phone call from Alibiola.

I was actually with John and Anna Grace at the time and Alibiola was

panicking and my heart just plummeted.

She didn't have a clue what was going on.

They'd taken Leo, she didn't know what was happening and it transpired

that he had strep the meningitis.

Wow.

And I dunno how long he was away from Alavita, but I was yeah, I then

went straight over to the hospital and they had to resuscitate.

Leo and bless her, Albiola was basically by herself for a lot of this

time, watching his health deteriorate and and yeah, he was, oh, it was just

absolutely terrifying, truly terrifying sight, like seeing our little boy in

the incubator and so pale and just horrible, I'll never forget that.

And yeah they were very concerned.

Yeah, yeah, consultants were like, they couldn't say if he was going to make it.

And so for two or three days, it was touch and go as to whether

he was going to pull through.

And yeah, like it's, It had been a dream of mine to be a dad.

Like I just always dreamed of that.

And so then to actually then be a dad and for the whole thing to be on a knife edge

for this, this human being who you've had, part in bringing into the world to

then, very possibly lose him, it's just.

Yeah, I can't put it into words.

But yeah, for 48 hours, it was like, man, we could lose him.

And so that, but those 48 hours felt like an eternity, and obviously I've

already should have given a spoiler alert, but he, he's just turned three.

So he did.

He's still around.

Yeah.

But those two, so he was in the NICU for two and a half weeks.

And obviously neither of us particularly Albiola hadn't slept for a long time.

But those, in those, yeah, those two or three days in particular,

immediately after birth were harrowing and and a, a real test of faith and.

Yeah, but we can go into it more, but I would say as well, I alluded to it before.

This is one of the other times that I would say we're really dark.

I wish that didn't have to have happened to my son, to Albiolo, to me.

But I look back on it now, it's like some of this some of the sweetest

moments of my life because of how I experienced the love of God about it.

Yeah, so it's again, that tension, isn't it?

Yeah.

That crazy tension.

You're in this I remember during the first lockdown, my brother was in

hospital because he had a stroke.

Oh, wow.

And I couldn't get in to see him, he's a couple of years younger than me.

And I couldn't get in to see him because they wouldn't let anybody in.

I couldn't even get in on the right, the Reverend card.

I don't know if you know about the Reverend card, but you get into

hospital, you're a church minister.

Yeah.

I don't care.

I don't care.

God's not coming in.

Okay.

And I remember.

I remember that.

I remember thinking, man, it, this was my brother, love my brother, I

think is a legend, I really, but at the same time, it's going to be a

lot worse if that's my wife and son.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

And so I can't, I'm trying to think what that would have felt like

for you, but I can't empathize.

I can think about my brother and not being able to get to see him.

And, but at the same time, I'm like my wife and son.

I didn't have that, I can talk about what Sharon went through with Josh,

but it was nothing compared to this.

And so I'm what was that like

here?

Horrible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I had to fight to be able to get in the first place when I heard that news.

Yeah, so initially it was like a lot of coming and going for the first.

I don't know, like four or five days, I think I would have to leave at night.

I was like so sleep deprived.

So just, and then, yeah, and then my wife and my son who I've spent

a handful of hours with both there, I don't know if he's, I don't

know if he's going to make it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was brutal, brutal and yeah, and just felt utterly

helpless in a way that I've.

I've just never had that feeling before, like there is

literally nothing that I can do.

No can't even, I can't even just be there all the time.

Yeah,

horrible.

Yeah, no, no doubt.

No doubt.

And for Albie Eller as well, I would have thought.

Yeah.

Wrestling with this in hospital.

Jeez.

What was faith like at this point?

So 'cause a lot that like 2020 was a obviously a weird year

especially likely for everyone . It was mental, like for a lot of

people, our lives had really shrunk.

Lot of stuff had been stripped away and thinking about faith and church, like

you didn't have the buzz of community of being around people all the time.

So that, that was gone.

You didn't have communal times of worship that was gone and so it really caused

both of us to really think hard about what our faith is actually built on.

And if you, yeah, if you take away, if you take away the good vibes

on a Sunday morning and the nice music and everything what's left.

Yeah.

And I.

I remember reading a book, what was it called, Cross Centred Life, I think,

Which just unpacks the gospel.

Yeah it's not a big book, but just absolutely ruined me for the gospel again.

And in a way, so like when you asked the question, when did you become a Christian?

Part of me is tempted to say 2020, right?

Because up until that point, the cross, the death and resurrection

of Christ had been something that we pay homage to every Easter.

Yeah.

You might watch the Mel Gibson film, Passion of Christ and have a sort of,

somber Good Friday service and it was so wink at it once a year, but really like in

terms of how I live my life, I would see it as a as a course you graduate from oh

yeah, I took that class in the nineties.

Yeah.

It was the gospel.

Was just absolutely wrecked by it I just read a lot and really thought over and

considered a big, a really important passage was Romans 5 God demonstrates

his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Just those words alone to think it wasn't when I was lovable,

it wasn't when I was, yeah.

God's child, yeah, that's why the fact that he adopted me means something, yeah,

it was that the innocent died for the guilty and it wasn't just that wasn't

just that someone died for another in the place of another, took the punishment of

another, it was that, that the victim.

God's the victim that he died for the perpetrator and and I think really

just think like I was I guess God just revealed to me again, the depths

of my sin and in doing so revealed to me how much higher the heights

are of his grace and his mercy.

So then going forward to being in the hospital was like, I know Alibiola

would say the same, has said the same as well, that it was like we

had a deep well to draw from.

My prayers in the hospital were like, really only went

as far as the word father.

It was just father, like I have, I had no other words.

I was so sleep deprived my vocabulary is already like a dozen words anyway but

was so utterly helpless and so afraid that we might lose Leo, but I knew in

those 48 hours when everything was on the line, when his life was on the line.

Yeah.

I knew in the deepest part of my soul that I didn't need God to save Leo

in order to know that he loves me.

My being convinced of his love for me was not contingent on

the outcome of this situation.

Because God demonstrates, present tense, God demonstrates his love

for me in that while he was still the sinner, Christ died for me.

And like when Jesus is prophesied about in Isaiah and he's called

Emmanuel God with us the with being in between God and us shouldn't be

possible that the God would be with us.

If everything was fair and we just got what we deserved, that wouldn't be it.

And God is the gospel for him to have given himself to us.

He's not a means to the end.

He is the end.

And to just to have him, so to, to be there in the midst of all that to know

that God was with me was everything.

And so that's why I say it was like some of the sweetest

moments of my life because.

Because everything was on the line and I didn't know at the

time what was going to happen.

But I knew that I had everything because I had God.

And thankfully that the story ended happily.

But But it really was coming to a deeper understanding of the gospel

that I think, like I, I'm genuinely, I would genuinely terrified to imagine

what that would've been like without

Yeah.

Without that to draw from.

Yeah.

Yeah, like a life without God really, truly, I think a terrifying,

terrifying thought like to yeah.

To just, to know that God is with us, changes everything.

Absolutely everything.

Yeah,

it's powerful, isn't it?

And thank you for sharing.

Because these things aren't always easy to talk about, I don't think.

They're not always nice things to remember.

But like you say, at the same time you find God in them, don't you?

You experience God in ways that actually, in ways that are rarely

taught in evangelical churches.

Do you know what I mean?

It's that kind of and in some respects, fair, why would you talk

about it in, from a church service?

But I suppose I could argue it either way, but it's a remarkable story, Pete,

and as someone who watched from afar, like, all you could do during lockdown

was you got text updates and you're like we'll keep praying then I guess.

I don't know what else to do.

And, like prayers not enough.

Sometimes we just I'm really sorry, all I can do is pray like you what?

That's great.

That I'll take that.

Yeah.

Like we undermine prayer sometimes by apologizing.

That's all I can do.

But I think You know, someone who's watched you guys from afar and just,

even today we've done the, in the drive on the way down to the studio,

you were talking about how Leo is now able to drink a glass of milk.

Yeah.

It's God, these things that people have been praying for.

And one of the things that I don't say it to many people, but there are some

people that truly inspire me, right?

Like you guys, you and Albiola with just unbelievable.

And the people that inspire me, the people that have gone through something

so horrific, but come out just the sweetest, just loveliest people, not

bitter, not angry, just love God, have a revelation of the gospel.

In that and just come out of it with a desire to share Christ with the world.

Do you know what I mean?

It's the most extraordinary thing.

There's some friends in London like that, some friends in the States and actually,

it is, I find it utterly inspiring.

The people that I've met a lot of wealthy people over the years,

and they're great to hang around.

Don't get me wrong.

I've mentioned before in Crowd Church that I've flown on their private

jets, I've had their chefs cook me meals and all kinds of crazy things.

And would be irresponsible to say that I didn't enjoy that.

But do I find those people inspiring?

No, not really.

I just find they're nice people to hang around with and they're wealthy

people, got a lot of money, some parts of their life are inspiring.

But it's the people that have been on the cold face and been refined

by fire for one's better expression.

Not that I would form a theology on that, by the way, just in case you're listening.

But it's just a phrase.

But no, I think you guys are honestly inspiring and I just love this the way it.

God was there and God met you guys, and I think, oh, good on you, man.

And a big shout out to Albiolia that kept you on the straight and narrow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As hard as it was for me, yeah, doubly hard, I think, to have, yeah, in very

different ways to have, because, Yeah, okay, I felt helpless but she was, there

all by herself, watching all happen.

Yeah, I remember reading a quote by Smith Wigglesworth once, which

said, Everything I am, in my life, under

God, I owe to my sweet wife, Polly.

And I remember reading that going, Yeah, I've been married 26 years

and I totally get that statement.

Do you know what I mean?

Cause my, and I'm sure you'd say the same thing.

My wife is utterly remarkable.

And I think actually you journey through this knowing that God is

enough, but there is something about journeying through this together with

a wife who has a strong faith as well.

Yeah.

Because you can support each other then, can't you?

And yeah, amazing.

If you could go back in time, have a conversation with your 16

year old self, what would you say?

That is a good question.

I think was believing a lot of rubbish, and I think I would preach to myself.

I think that's something that's that we need, I think that's something that's

we need to learn to do to ourselves.

I think I would, I think I would tell myself that I don't know if it would

have done anything, but I think I would have told myself that God is with you.

And even though you may not see any evidence of it that, that

doesn't mean it isn't true.

And things will look very different from a different perspective.

Yeah, also talk to someone.

Yeah, without a doubt.

Yeah, which I did do, but after far too long,

yeah, I'm just aware that there's people listening.

I'm always in, I love it when people come on, totally vulnerable, share their story,

and then I'm thinking of the listener going, there's going to be knowing God

the way I know God, there will be someone listening to you talk, who is feeling what

you felt, who is maybe doing what you did.

Yeah.

And either when you were a teenager, or they're feeling what

you felt, because their wife is in hospital in their child is sick..

And they'll be listening to your story, and there'll be prayers, and

there'll be heartfelt, there's going to be emotion and all kinds of things.

And I think it's probably fair to say if that is you, if you are listening and

you are engaged with self harm, then do seek out counsel, do talk to people, do

go, and if you don't know who to talk to, reach out to us here at Crowd Church,

when I'm not a trained counsellor, but we will definitely tell you where

to go see your GP as a good starting point, isn't it, but do seek help.

Yeah.

But also remember, God is with you.

Would you say that's true, even if someone's listening to the.

The show and they don't have a Christian faith just happened to

have stumbled across your story.

God.

So God is omnipresent.

He's everywhere.

And and you can cry out to him at any moment, he's yeah.

And because of Jesus, we have total access to him.

So he's made that, he's made that way possible.

Yeah,

you don't need a certain score on your perfect meter, do you?

Your perfectometer.

I had zero.

You don't need any kind of reputation or any kind of resumes, I'd say in

America, but you just go to God, pour out your heart and just keep doing it.

And at some point.

Something will break.

Yeah.

I just love, I love the story of one of my favorite stories in the

Bible is a woman with the issue of blood and Jairus's daughter.

So it's found in Mark chapter five and the woman has this bleeding

issue for 12 years, 12 years.

And the way the Bible talks about it is she spent all that

she had, but not got any better.

She'd got worse.

Yeah.

Life was just going from bad to worse for this lady, and this was

a serious condition back then.

But after 12 years of prayers, 12 years of longing, 12 years of trying what she

could do to make things better, in an instant, everything changed for her.

Yeah.

The word the Bible uses, suddenly.

And you're just like, I just love the way the Bible uses the word suddenly.

And then Jairus's daughter's sick.

She's not sick for 12 years, but we don't know how long she

was sick for, but she was sick.

She dies.

And then suddenly everything changes to him.

And that's just, that's Jesus, isn't it?

Sometimes it might take 12 years.

Sometimes it might just take a few days.

I just, but Jesus is, He's all about the transformation.

He's all about the suddenly.

And I think the hope that's in that is extraordinary.

Yeah, no matter what you're in, you can turn it around.

Yeah.

I think the other thing that just popped into my head

was I can't remember what the name is in Hebrew, but one of the names for

God in the Bible is the God who sees.

And I just think that is beautiful that God is, oh, is it El Roi?

Is that it?

Yeah.

ROI.

I think it is.

Okay.

Anna Kettle, who's another regular on, has just had it tattooed on

her wrist, yeah, the God who sees.

Yeah.

What a story she's got.

If you've not heard Anna's, what's the story?

Definitely check that out, with the miscarriages that those guys have had

heartbreaking stuff, but yeah, she's got that tattooed on the God who sees,

El Roi, El Roi I think it is, not LROI.

But yeah, he's not aloof, he sees you wherever you are and

that He's watching and he's ready, he's waiting and he's willing to transform,

yeah, absolutely.

Pete, listen, man, I'm aware of time, but yeah, it's great conversation.

Thank you so much for coming in, loved it, loved hearing

your story, love catching up.

I enjoy the car trip on the way home.

Yeah.

Chat about it.

Just more of this, just more of this.

But no, I really appreciate it and if you want to connect with Pete, you can

reach out to him through the Crowd Church.

We'll obviously pass on all message to him, but I'm not gonna put his

email out in the public domain 'cause that would just not work.

But thank you so much for coming on, man.

Yeah, an absolute legend.

Thanks for having me.

When are you next at Crowd?

It's for four or five weeks.

I'm recording it in three weeks.

Okay, five.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

What's the topic?

It probably shouldn't

say because it's going to date this written out.

It's fine.

What's the topic?

It is Fruit of the Spirit, kindness.

I think.

I

don't think it is because I'm just prepping that talk.

Oh, it's not that.

Maybe you're doing kindness, but we're both prepping.

All right, we're going to go and consult the teaching rota

right now, ladies and gentlemen.

Whether way, you'd be much better at it than me.

But no, legend.

Thanks, Pete.

You're a star.

Thank you.

And just like that, we've reached the end of

another fascinating conversation.

Crowd Church is a digital church, a community, a space to explore

the Christian faith, and a place where you can contribute and grow.

To find out more, check out www.

crowd.

church.

And don't forget to subscribe to What's The Story on your favorite podcast app.

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Our fantastic team is made up of Anna Kettle, Matt Edmundson, Tanya

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So that's all from us this week.

Thank you so much for joining us and we'll catch you in the next episode.

Bye for now.