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Divorce in midlife can feel overwhelming—whether you’re going through it yourself or supporting someone close to you. The emotional turmoil, the financial worries, and the uncertainty about what comes next can take a huge toll. But does it have to be that way?

In this episode, I sit down with Danielle Barbereau, the UK’s first divorce coach, who has spent over a decade helping people navigate separation with more clarity and dignity. We talk about how to choose the right lawyer, how to set boundaries at work so you don’t become office gossip, and why work can actually be a stabilizing force in the midst of personal upheaval.

Key Takeaways from This Episode:

✔ The most common emotions during divorce—and how to manage them

✔ Why setting boundaries at work and with friends is crucial for protecting your energy

✔ How to communicate your situation without oversharing

✔ The importance of keeping divorce out of court and how to find the right legal support

✔ Practical steps to make the process less adversarial and more respectful

Divorce is never easy, but it doesn’t have to define you. If you’re in the thick of it—or know someone who is—this episode is filled with practical, compassionate advice to help you move forward with strength and clarity.

If you're in midlife, chances are you've encountered

divorce, whether personally or through friends, colleagues or family.

And oh boy, most of those stories ain't pretty.

Divorce can be brutal, but does it have to be?

There has got to be a better way to end relationships at our age.

Enter Danielle Barbereau, the first divorce coach in the UK.

She's been guiding people through divorce since 2010.

In this fascinating conversation, she offers practical advice on choosing

the right lawyer to help you end your relationship with dignity,

minimizing both drama, and trauma.

She also explores how work can be a surprising source of stability

in the soup of messy emotions.

And she shares simple, compassionate ways to set boundaries at work and

with friends, so you don't become the center of juicy gossip mongering.

Let's dive in.

Danielle, even though I have many friends and family members who've

been through separations or divorces, I don't understand it personally.

What does a divorce coach do?

It's actually a new profession.

I think I was the first one to do this and primarily it was to help

clients through the difficulties of a divorce, the pain of a divorce at

a time when they are very confused.

But actually with time, I realized that what I really had planned to do

is gain perspective on where they are.

At a time when they are in full turmoil, they can't make

sense of what is happening.

And they need that little bit of distance to, to understand that

and be able to make difficult decisions, to instruct their lawyers.

And this is where I am.

I help them get that clarity to make those decisions and then

to even apply those decisions.

Sometimes clarity is about decided or not to leave a relationship.

And I would say that about half of my work is that.

And this is hard, people who ask the question, know something is

not right, but are frightened of the consequences, not surprisingly.

So this is where my work is.

Wow, it's interesting you mentioned them feeling frightened.

I'm super curious.

What are some of the most common emotions you see your clients experiencing

when going through or deciding whether to initiate a divorce process?

When you go through a divorce, it's a turmoil of emotions.

It's an absolute soup.

They are worrying for their families, for example, their children.

They have guilt to deal with and feel that they are going to be blamed.

And I think confusion is probably the first thing when somebody hears uh, I'm

sorry, but our marriage is at an end, it's that feeling of confusion before

even hurt, and obviously there is hurt.

There is pain, loss, grief.

Even if you know that you should be leaving your partner, it

is extremely scary to do so.

And you know that some people are not going to understand the decisions that,

so that is certainly a big thing, fear.

And I think my work is to help clients understand it and contain it.

Because sometimes clients are so frightened, I lose my house,

I lose this, I lose that.

Actually, it's not going to happen.

So we try to bring it back to size.

But that's normal to feel that.

Shame, there's a shame in ending a marriage.

Humiliation, if for example there is a another party involved,

somebody else is in the background.

And sometimes other people know before so that's very humiliating.

Guilt, that's a nasty one because even if it's right, even if you didn't

choose it, you're going to feel guilty that your marriage is at an end.

Even when some people lose their partner by bereavement, they feel

guilty that they're still alive.

So guilt is a very, powerful emotion which has to be worked through.

So there's a super turmoil of emotions but they have to be worked through so you

can get clarity and calm in those in the decisions you have to make and go through

a process which frankly is not easy because, society is designed for couples.

It's hard to be on your own sometimes.

That, that was an amazing answer.

The myriad of emotions, it's.

It's almost, I imagine, overwhelming.

I'm now imagining that some people, most people in fact, might have to keep their

work life moving at the same time as this soup of emotion that you talk about.

One of the most difficult things you could possibly go through in life.

Do you have any pointers maybe on how an individual might communicate

their situation helpfully at work?

So I think the first thing which needs to happen is to

communicate with your line manager, with people, at work, even with colleagues.

But when I say that, I don't mean that you owe them chapter and verse

about everything that is going on quite the opposite, you know, some

people almost see it as a bit of a juicy gossip, how's it going on?

None of that.

So this is where a word which is so important to me comes into play.

It's the word boundaries.

So yes, you're going to say.

I'm very sorry to say that my marriage has come to an end.

And however much I try to keep going, it's hard.

Something like that.

Pretty bland.

The sentence stops having too many questions pushed back because you

can only reveal what you want.

And certainly at work, you don't want to be washing your dirty

linen in such an environment.

And I believe in short sentences like this, like My marriage has come to an end.

It's sad, but I'll keep working.

Or I'll, I'm thinking what my future is going to look like at home.

Whatever.

Keep it simple, but don't reveal what you don't want to reveal.

So simple, clear messages, but be honest.

How could you hide that there's something so monumental happening at home?

It's just not possible.

So honesty but bind read honesty.

Exactly what you see.

boundaries is so important.

It's also actually important outside of work when you speak to

your friends, to family, whatever.

Just have these simple sentences and be kind to yourself

and respect your own space.

You're not a subject of gossip.

No way.

If one of our listeners is currently embarking on any kind

of separation or divorce process, can you give any practical advice

to help them through this process with as little trauma as possible?

I'm glad that it is becoming more possible.

People speak of an amicable divorce, whatever.

I can't say I've really seen one of those after over 1, 600 clients.

It's hard.

There's no disguising it.

It's hard, it's tough, but it's a passage and you get to the end of that.

However, there are ways of making it more dignified, more

palatable, more respectful.

To me, it's essential to try to keep a divorce out of court.

You know, In film, you see the big drama, see you at court.

No, don't see you at court because frankly, nobody wins.

It's terrible, it's traumatic, it's expensive and you probably

still have to co parent if you have children at the end of that, so no.

And that points to going to lawyers who understand that and there's a lot of them,

mostly if they are trained by something called resolution, which is a commitment

to resolve a divorce out of court.

Those lawyers work in teams with mediators.

So mediators work in the middle and try to help the clients see

ways forward in terms of finance, in terms of access to children.

There's also in those groups financial advisors, because nobody knows how

to divorce and what that means.

So if you can find a lawyer who works in team and in team with somebody like

me, a divorce coach who is going to try to make sure that often in the

separation, one client is lagging behind either because they didn't know it was

going to happen or because they are really struggling with the concept.

So I can help keep this afloat.

And I think the more you can do that in a respectful way, the better it is for you.

So when you start to understand that what you're doing is just facilitate

the process and not try to score points, you're more likely to do it in a good way.

And it's a win win situation because you, as a result, will be less hurt than

if you do something really adversarial.

And the courts, the family law now is in favor of this kind

of more gentle resolution.

It's never easy, but it's less horrible, let's put it like that.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my

Life Satisfaction Assessment.

It's a 30 minute program where I guide you through a deep dive into 10 areas

of your life to assess what's bringing you joy and what's bringing you down.

I call it D Railed.

It's a fabulous place to begin a joy at work redesign.